Week Eight - Originally aired 14 May 2008
Sralan. London. Tycoons [of tomorrow - Rad]. Blah. 15 minutes later the show starts. Previously on the Apprentice, the teams went to Marrakesh, the better to prove to Sralan their mad haggling skillz. Lucinda looked fabulous. Sara proved able to bargain. Claire wished she were Alex’s girlfriend. Alex pouted. Again. Some more. Lee acted a bit of a twat, but less than he has done. Raef was a gentleman with some strange ideas about dressing up in ethnic garb. Helene was invisible. Michael claimed to be a good Jewish boy but didn’t know what ‘kosher’ meant so Sralan threatened to strip him off in the boardroom and find out just how Jewish he really was. Jenny Celery was vile, cheated, lied, and was fired. Jennifer was fired…for being a girl, maybe? It’s hard to tell. No valid reason, anyway. Nick and Margaret pwned all and sundry, including Scottish seats of learning. The mystery of NotFrances continued apace.
Early morning call. 6 am. Raef answers in his smoking jacket. Danse Macabre plays. (Not)Frances tells them that they’ve got to go to a church, bringing an overnight bag. Claire feels that she is gaining momentum. Helene would fire these people but has to work with them and doesn’t like it. Shut up. They arrive at the church, and it’s the one used in Four Weddings and a Funeral. In a far less tenuous way than normal for this show, the task involves weddings. They’ve each got two stands at the National Wedding Show in Birmingham. The team that sells the most will win.
Sralan rearranges them teams. Alpha is now Raef, Lee, Lucinda and Claire, while Renaissance is Helene, Michael, Sara and Alex. That hardly seems fair, in terms of putting all the likeable and/or competent people together [Alpha is always team likeable though, so it's not that unfair - Rad]. At the wedding show, they will sell dresses and ‘romantic accessories’. Dildoes?
In the car, Claire goes on about being a girly girl who loves dresses. Raef doesn’t fancy marriage. I love Raef the Toxic Bachelor.
Helene tells Renaissance that she used to model in bridal shows, looks around desperately for validation that she still could, receives none, and becomes PM.
Lucinda is PM for Alpha. We don’t see the discussion but presumably it’s because she is always stunningly well turned out. Claire suggests that one pair go to all the dress stores and one to all the accessories stores, so that they can make informed decisions, having seen all the options. I’m loving Claire again. [Me too - Fiona] [Me three! - Steve] She’s generally right, and ever since Sralan said, ‘stop being a bitch’, she has done.
Michael says split up the teams into north and south London for convenience. Helene agrees.
Michael says that they need to be professional and passionate. Sara agrees. Michael and Sara go to see designer Ian Stewart. His dresses sell for £2,5000. Michael says he likes that it’s not the same line of dresses and goes on for a bit about how he loves the dresses. Then says to camera that he feigned interest very well and that’s what he does for a living. For, like, a minute, he's just like 'yeah man, I can be interested in any old shit'. Sara and Michael slag off the dresses in the car and say they’re hideous. They’re in Brixton.
Helene sees another store. It sells coloured dresses (as opposed to traditional white or ivory) for less than £900. One is called soft scoop? Helene says it’s an acquired taste. The lady says celebrities like coloured dresses and raises the spectre of Jordan’s toilet-roll cover pink monstrosity as if it were a good thing. [Jodie Marsh wears them too, also said as if its a good thing - Fiona] Helene says the price offsets the objections about the dresses being kind of repulsive.
Claire and Raef visit the Ian Stewart dresses. Claire was chuffed to see the dresses and thinks Lucinda knows she’s a girly girl, which is why she let her see the pretty dresses. She asks where they are sold, he says worldwide. On the phone, Claire tells Lucinda that she was in wedding dress heaven. [I do wish Alex and Claire had been on the same team, so we could have seen the Morocco sequel - Rad] Mr Stewart won some wedding designer prize for four years running.
Lucinda and Lee are at a cake shop. Eating cake. To ‘test’ it. They cost £600. ‘Is that expensive?’ For a cake, yes. For a wedding cake, not really.
Raef and Claire are at a Bigger Brides store. Claire holds one up and says ‘Oh Raef, maybe I should get a boyfriend’. Love Claire. In the car, Claire and Raef discuss the fact that maybe selling Bigger Bride dresses and also cake might be a bad combination. Raef says, let’s face it, they’re fat because they love cake, but then he laughs so I think he’s being silly and not a cock.
Sara and Michael are at a cake shop. Sara’s been on a cake course. Sara loves cake.
Alex and Helene are looking at personalised wedding lingerie. Like, cheap red nylon pants with your name written on it in rhinestones. Apparently that’s nice. Alex is a bit horny and carried away with the panties. Helene loves it. She uses ‘yourself’ wrongly, telling the pants lady that she love it and ‘if the team chooses yourself too’ they’d love to work with her. No no no no no. The team can’t choose ‘yourself’. Yourself is reflexive and the only person that can do things to yourself is you. Gah! Fire her right now, just for that.
Michael’s cake seller is £545 for a 5-tier. Which isn’t that expensive, really. In the car, Michael says that they should have seen all the dresses to decide. Which, yes, that’s true and it was a good decision when Claire made it across the team barricade. But given that you suggested a geographical split, it’s a bit late to start kvetching (you see what I did there, Michael? Kvetch is a Yiddish word. You should know that, as a good Jewish boy.) about it.
Helene says that no-one will buy the cakes at a wedding fair. And, damn straight they won’t. You’ll have come from miles to the wedding fair, but you’ll want your cake to be local, apart from anything else.
Lucinda also likes the slutty wedding underwear. It’s cheap, so it will sell, is the apparent logic, rather than it is being nice, which it isn’t. Lucinda is resplendent in scarlet and black.
Raef and Claire dash to a BHS. They sell mix and match separates for bridal wear. Some of the stuff is actually really nice, in a simple, non-meringue sort of way. And they only cost £95. Claire likes it the most. Raef likes Ian Stewart the most. And no matter how pretty they are, you’re going to have to sell about 30 dresses for every one Ian Stewart dress to make up the price difference, so they’re not a good choice. [Besides a woman spending £95 on her wedding dress won't be arsed to travel all the way to Birmingham NEC - even if she lives in Birmingham - Fiona]
Helene and Michael are on the phone. Helene asks about the Ian Stewart dresses. Michael says they’re like from Beauty and the Beast and Les Miserables. Although he pronounces it LEZ Mizrahb. Helene says that she doesn’t want Ian Stewart because if you’re spending that much on a designer dress, you want the designer there. Which is a fairly good point. Only fairly, though.
Lucinda and Claire discuss over the phone what to do. Raef likes Ian Stewart. Claire likes the BHS ones. They discuss and decide on Ian Stewart. It’s all very civilised. Raef argues his point, Claire presents hers, then comes round to his point of view.
Both teams want the pants as their second range. Helene tells the pants lady that they’ve secured White Rose Collection. Which made me lol, because one of my journals at work is for stoma care, and the White Rose Collection I know is one that makes clothes for women that they can discreetly hide their colostomy bags in. Maybe the pretty colourful dresses do have colostomy pouches in. It would explain some of the ruching.
Lucinda tells the pants lady that they’ve got Ian Stewart and explains who he is. The pants lady is thrilled, because she has heard of Ian Stewart and would love for her cheap viscose and glitter crap to be associated with the other end of the market. The pants lady wants Ian Stewart dresses and therefore she apologises to Helene. She takes it in her stride but is clearly disappointed. Lee arroogas some more. I like you Lee, when you’re not being a cock, but stop with the ‘Come on! Arooga!’ nonsense. [Unless its during sex - Fiona] [I will never be able to look your husband in the eye again - Rad]
Helene’s team end up selling cakes. Michael says they’re expensive so if they sell a few they’ll make a lot of money. Yes, but see above re: Helene’s objection to selling cakes at a fair. And it does seem a bit unfair if there was only one non-cake option in the ‘accessories’ bit of the list, because…what if you don’t want to sell cakes? What about a florist? Or a shoe designer? Or hats for the mothers? [I thought this too, I can only guess they thought whoever went for designer dresses would also go for cake? -Fiona]
Lucinda was ecstatic when she saw the dresses. Claire tries one and cackles and says ‘it’s massive’. [Massive maybe but notice she couldn't do it up - Fiona] Lee asks if people will pay £2k for a wedding dress at a show, with the implication that only poor chavs would go to a wedding show.
Over with Renaissance, some of the dresses are short and slutty and gross. They didn’t get the dresses they saw at the store, so they’re a bit miffed.
The day of the fair. They’re selling until 6 o’clock in the evening. There’s a cake stand right next to Renaissance’s stand. They’re like, ‘oh balls’.
More than 70,000 visitors expected. I think I might have put an extra zero there when I was taking my notes. ‘Perhaps perhaps perhaps’ plays. Helene says to camera about how it’s all about the soft sell, the magical day, making the bride feel like you care about what she wants and that sort of thing.
On Lucinda’s stand, the big name brings the people in. There’s even a queue. Lucinda says ‘it doesn’t even need fitting!’ to one woman trying on a dress. The lady looks a bit ‘hmmm’ when she hears the price. As well she might.
Across the way, Alex is trying to sell a dress to a girl, telling her it’s a good colour for her skin tone, and it’s short, which is nice. The girl buys it. Fair enough. If Alex told me something made me look pretty, I’d buy it.
Filler shots of crowds and a wedding catwalk show and that sort of crap. [Wedding porn? That sounds so wrong - Fiona] [Maybe, but I'm sure I've seen something like that. Not that I look at porn, of course. Ooh, look over there! *runs away* - Steve]
Lee is selling the pants and stuff. ‘It’s proving an easy sell’ says Voiceover Man. Lee says it’s doing well but they need to back it up with wedding dress sales. Claire tries to talk a girl into buying a dress. Raef says to camera high risk = high gains, but on his head be it if it doesn’t pan out and they lose. [Is it just me or is his hair very helment this week? - Fiona] A girl loves an Ian Stewart dress but doesn’t buy it. She wants to go away and think, which is fair enough, given that it’s £2,000 on a dress.
Nick says to camera, ‘we’re not in Knightsbridge, we’re in Birmingham!’, thereby making explicit the previously only implied ‘only chav scum will go to a wedding fair’ idea, with an added blow at the whole of Birmingham, for fun. [I was in Birmingham at the weekend. It's nice! Shut up, Nick. - Steve]
Alex keeps telling girls about their skin tone. It’s, like, his one selling point. ‘It looks really good with your skin tone.’ Sara and Michael try to sell the really expensive cakes. Sara tells some girl that they’ll liase on the cakes for months and discuss ‘the floral arrangements’. Which, outright lie, surely? Unless she just means the cake will match the flowers. Michael babbles on at some hapless women. Alex says to camera that Michael pushes too hard because he’s used to telesales and there it’s important to keep people on the phone by being talkative and energetic, but it doesn’t translate into face to face sales, because it comes across as aggressive. Possibly the most observant and intelligent thing Alex will ever say.
Some girls want to phone the groom to discuss the cake purchase. Sara is like ‘GIVE DEPOSIT NOW! PHONE LATER!’ and actively discourages some girls because she’s so pushy and they’re like, ‘um, no thank you, creepy intense cake lady'.
Lee has sold over £300 worth of pants. Lee guesses the size lower than the ladies buying actually are, to flatter them, which is a good idea, but he’s super-obvious about it, guessing a size 12 lady as an 8. But then, I can work out girls’ bra sizes just by looking, so… (I haven’t done it for a while. Don’t test me.) Lee says he’s buzzing and passionate. ‘Let’s sell more knickers!’ [Lee is loving the pant selling so much I can't help but giggle - Fiona]
Helene sells another dress. She says to camera that the price is the big selling point, in that they’re not a bisquillion dollars. Michael tells some girls they’re only giving the cakes to a few brides. If by few you mean none, then sure. [I don't get this either but then he is talking utter shit - Fiona] Michael says they don’t want to decide on cake without husbands. Obviously. As though this is some astonishing revelation, rather than something Helene alluded to about a month ago.
Michael says he’ll kiss a girl if she buys a cake and is generally slightly creepy and over-eager and fails entirely. [God, he is a dick - Fiona] Lee wants more footfall. We see another girl try on an Ian Stewart dress, but still no sales. Raef says to camera that at 4 pm he was questioning his judgement because they’d sold no dresses.
Lucinda puts Lee on dress selling, to use his mad skillz. In a rather bizarre little interlude, Raef puts on the pants company promotional teddy bear outfit. In order to sell designer dresses that cost a few grand. Because nothing says haute couture like a cross promotional giant teddy bear from a company that Bedazzles your name on the gusset of your panties. Lee says to a lady that it’s a beautiful dress, but then says ‘I’ll let you have a talk, I’ll step away, it’s a bit much pressure.’ Lee is good at sales. He understands that screaming ‘IT’S LOVELY BUY IT BUY IT NOW!!’ isn’t always the best tactic.
Raef wanders about in the teddy outfit and basically freaks people out. Lee says if they don’t sell a dress, they’ll lose the task.
Michael is still trying to sell cakes, and tells a girl that he doesn’t want her to regret not doing it. The bride phones her groom to get his opinion on one of those tower-of-cupcakes cakes. Michael has somehow convinced her that this is a revolutionary cake concept, and not totally Los Angeles circa 2002. Her groom wants a traditional cake. Michael then basically abuses this girl to her face, and tells her that it’s her bloody wedding, a traditional cake is dull, and if she doesn’t buy the cupcakes cake she’s a fucking pussy whose husband will probably beat her because she’s so incapable of asserting herself. When this fails to result in a sale, he pouts and nearly cries, and to camera calls people dumb-dumbs because they’re not buying his revolutionary cakes.
Earlier customers come back to the Ian Stewart stall. Lucinda tells one girl she’s stunning. Lucinda is wearing a wedding dress in purple – kind of a dusky night sky purple. She looks stunning. A girl buys a dress! Claire says to camera ‘it’s not like going to the supermarket to buy a chicken’ and that people have come for the whole day, so it’s not surprising they’ve taken their time over such a big decision. [This was what I'd been expecting to happen for about half an hour. A £2,500 wedding dress is not an impulse purchase. If Alpha were going to make any sales, they weren't going to do it until the end of the day - but they'd had Claire laying some excellent groundwork, so I was confident they would. - Steve]
Sara tells more women they don’t need their groom’s permission for the wedding cake and says that they’ve tried the cakes and know they taste good.. ‘They’re not disgusting, are they?’, she asks. She says again and again that what really matters is the taste. And, for a wedding cake, not so much. Taste matters, but appearance matters as much, if not more. It has to fit in with the bride, the bridesmaids, the floral arrangements and so on. And yes, some grooms won’t give two shits about all that stuff, but lots will. She doesn’t think she was too pushy. But she totally was. She says that she has to push or people will leave, which is fair enough – they say they’ll come back and don’t, and she wants to secure the sale. But she’s still wrong, Because if you say, ‘I know it’s a big decision, go away and have a think, and come back later’ people will do so, rather than saying ‘I’ll come back!’ as a way to extricate themselves from the scary woman shouting about cake.
Claire sells another dress, with a bolero jacket, noting that they’ll remove the flower from the jacket so it can be worn in the hair. There was something very efficient and pleasant about the way she did it that I really liked. [Totally. I think I said this elsewhere, but she was acting like she was there because she loved wedding dresses - which, in fairness, she probably does - rather than because she was there to make money. I'd have bought a dress from her, and I am neither betrothed nor a girl. - Steve]
Margaret and Nick take the money from the teams. London porn.
Claire says she might as well throw herself under a bus if she doesn’t win. NotFrances sends them through. Sralan comes in and asks how the PMs were. Alpha sing Lucinda’s praises. Sralan says they hated her a few weeks ago. Nice, Sralan. Lucinda explains the split of the teams – two to the dresses, two to the accoutrements. Sralan asks how the decision went and they tell him about the Ian Stewart dresses. Sralan’s, like, big risk! Raef says the whole big risk big reward thing. Sralan asks if he’s taking the blame and in a mealy mouthed way Raef eventually says, ‘if needs be' [I did think it was about time someone claimed responsibility and was all 'go Raef', until he then mumbled something about team efforts - Rad] ’. Lee confirms he was selling sparkling pants and is now a foremost expert ‘on how to sell a thong’. [You're Fired pointed out that Margaret's look at this point was priceless, the saucy minx. Someone, somewhere is writing Margaret/Lee McQueen fanfic. Not me, though, I'm still all about Lee/Lucinda - Rad]
Alex said that ‘myself and Helene’ (and Alex, see above my rant about reflexive pronouns. You’re using it differently wrongly, but you are still WRONG) saw two dresses and Michael and Sara saw the other two. Michael says it was a bad decision because they couldn’t decide on which dresses as they weren’t fully informed. And yes, but splitting the teams the other way was your idea, maggot, and you only said it was a bad idea in the back of the car halfway through the day, rather than mentioning it to, erm, your PM. Ass-hat. He wanted the fancy dresses of Ian Stewart. Helene loved the dresses they ended up with.
Nick says they made £5752.99, 600-odd on knickers, the rest on three dresses. Renaissance sold five dresses but no cakes and made about £1,900. zomg wtf pwned. Nick talks about Claire’s sterling sales work, which is nice. And she really has stopped being a bitch. Sralan’s got them a spa visit. Team Competent for the win! [I get the impression they all got on well and actually enjoyed the task which is a nice change - Fiona]
At the spa, Lucinda says they’ve done very well and thanks everyone. You see? You thank your winning team for their work! Well done, Lucinda. They cheers over some tea. Claire doesn’t like it. ‘Maybe I’m too northern,’ she says. They’re go into a ‘fire’ room and do some primal scream therapy shouting. Unsurprisingly, Lee is down with the shouting. Claire cracks up, then Lee. Scott turns to me and says, ‘more firing, less relaxing’.
In the horrible abandoned café of death. Michael says low-risk doesn’t pay off. Alex said no cakes were sold. Sara says they were all great except Helene. Helene’s like, they’re cunts when you lose, they turn on you all of a sudden. Michael’s like, Helene’s shit.
DLR glamour shot. NotFrances sends them in. Sralan asks why Michael didn’t push for the posh dresses. He says he did. Helene says he didn’t. Margaret quotes from her pad, ‘quite niche, quite expensive, not to everyone’s taste’. Ha! Sralan tells Helene off for the team split and she totally doesn’t say that it was Michael’s idea. Helene says he didn’t argue for the Ian Stewart dresses strongly enough.
Sralan turns on Alex, who is a six-time veteran on losing teams. Helene says he did really well. Sralan is like, yes, or maybe he mesmerises people because he always loses but no-one ever says he’s bad. [Alex is totally the Jennifer M of this series (not to be confused with the actual Jennifer M of this series, of course) - always getting away with doing fuck-all just because he's got a pretty face. - Steve] Alex says he made three quarters of what little money they did make and Sara should go cos she sold too little. Sara says, ‘but you said you’d do the selling of the dresses and I brought people over, so fuck off.’
Sralan says that the wrong dresses were double-fail because it meant the team didn’t get the pants, which were a good seller. (And made them sell cakes? I demand to know if there other, non-cake, options.) Sralan says ‘oh, you wanted cakes, Sara and Michael, didn’t you?’ They say yes and admit it was a mistake but claim that they sold hard. Margaret swoops. Too hard, she says, and gives feedback from customers, using the words ‘relentless’ and ‘bludgeoned’ and ‘scared to buy a cake’.
Sralan says Sara transmits but doesn’t receive. She talks talks talks. You have to be interested in people and converse with them, ‘not bang bang buy my cake buy my cake’. Sara cops to desperation in the last half hour and being too pushy to get a sale at that point. Michael says they were just trying to make a sale.
Sralan says, basically, you two suck and golden boy over there has an appreciation society [Although he did also point out that Alex always loses - Rad]. Helene says Alex doesn’t deserve to be fired. So Ssralan knows she’s not bringing Alex, and he grudgingly admits that maybe Alex is good (or at least, least worst – srsly, on what grounds could she possibly bring the man who did not make the decisions about cakes or dresses and made three quarters of the revenue) [three-fifths, surely? They sold five dresses, and Helene sold two. It's nothing to boast about, either way. - Steve] and not just doing pouty hypnosis, although pouty hypnosis does seem to be Sralan’s preferred explanation. Helene is bringing back Sara and Michael, just for clarity.
Sralan says two of them could go. Margaret says all three. NotFrances sends them back in.
Sralan tells Helene she chose the wrong dresses. She claims that nobody strongly advocated the Ian Stewart dresses. Michael says he doesn’t want to get upset but he’s getting upset and they lost because of poor product selection. Sara jumps in. Sralan tells her to shut up, pwning her from side to side about she’s supposed to be a barrister but a judge wouldn’t let you jump in so wait your damn turn, missy. Michael says he’s a scapegoat. Sralan’s, like, ‘what? You chose the shitty cakes and saw the dresses that won for the other team. It’s not scapegoating when it’s actually your fault.’
Sralan tells him off for the hard sell. Michael says he didn’t give it the hard sell. He totally did. And if he didn’t, I don’t want to see his hard sell. Presumably it’s conducted at gunpoint. [Or with GHB. - Steve] Sara says they started off being nice, talking about. colours and flavours and this and that. She babbles. Sralan wants to smoosh her face on the cake and tells sara to shut up. Again. Some more.
Michael blames Helene. Helene blames Sara. She speaks at people, and doesn’t read body language. Sara says what did Helene do, nothing that’s what! Helene sold two dresses. Sara goes on about teamwork and Helene says ‘it wasn’t a team’.
Sralan summarises: Helene chose shit stuff and was shit. Sara has been shit for weeks and alienated customers. Michael is full of apologies and ‘putting your hands up’ but can’t actually stop being shit. Sralan has heard enough nonsense. He says he has a dilemma as to who’s going and then immediately says, ‘One thing I’m sure of, Sara, you’re fired.’ Not much dilemma there. She slopes off.
He tells Michael that he’s at the end of the rope. Yes sralan, I was wrong, no sralan, Blah. Michael is such a limp dick. Sralan is this close to firing his sorry ass. Michael begs to be project manager again, on the verge of tears. Let me prove myself, blah blah.. Fuck off, that trick is played out. I’d have fired him right there for even contemplating going back to that well. Don’t say that shit, and don’t fucking beg. Have some damn dignity. This isn’t the X Factor. [Not to mention the fact that he pulled that same shit last week and then didn't actually take the post this time around. Tit. - Steve] But Sralan is congenitally incapable of firing Michael sends them both back.
Once they’re gone, Sralan says ‘talk about cat with nine lives’. Nick looks at him with absolute disgust. Seriously, the WTFness of Nick’s expression is incredible. Scott says ‘talk about a dick who can’t see what’s in front of him’.
Eviction Coat Watch. Black. Vaguely military cut. Uneventful.
In the taxi, Sara says she’s cant have people telling her what to do so she’s not good in a team. Yu-huh. You do realise that even if you won, you’d be working for Sralan and not replacing him as Boss of NotAmstrad And That Computer Recycling Thing?
Back at the house, once she and Michael return, Helene says it was save yourself time, as there are seven of them and one job, so six are going to go. Which true, but you didn’t argue your case very well. You could have destroyed Michael if you’d thought about it for a moment, but instead you were fortunate enough that Sara turned out to be babbling aggressive freak in the end. [That so disappointed me. I really thought Helene would give good boardroom - Rad]
Next week, they sell tissues and make tv ads. Oh noes! They split up Team Competent [That's fine - less chance of one of them being fired - Rad]. Lucinda says, ‘I didn’t fucking volunteer!’ I love Lucinda saying fuck.
Thursday, 15 May 2008
Thursday, 8 May 2008
Rock the Casbah
(Sralan don’t like it - this is not kosher)
Week Seven - Originally aired 7 May 2008
This is going to be a good one so lets not waste time. 16 tycoons of tomorrow, job interview from hell, London Porn, bloody clue (as in you haven’t got a) yadda yadda.
Previously the teams had to create an occasion and greeting cards to accompany it. Sadly no one went for a ‘sorry your 11 year old's been shot by a hoodie’ day and accompanying card and instead Matt Lucus went for the environmental soap box and Sralan went for him.
So to this week and first and foremost what we really want to know is who is going to answer the phone and more to the point what are they (not) wearing....? 7am, the candidates are up, which makes a change. Raef is already fully dressed but wait, whose that? Willie Winkie in his night gown? No its the lovely Lucinda in a full length blue and white stripped number- is there any look this woman can’t work? [Let's not encourage her. - Steve] Alex is ironing a nasty purple shirt whilst wearing an even nastier yellow one and scores nil points. Ooo the phones ringing and flouncing towards it like a big girl comes Michael.
‘Sralan would like you to pack for a two day trip to Morocco’ comes the voice of Frances/Not Frances/Someone else. ‘Really?’ asks Michael. ‘Na just a wind up’ she says. OK, I’m lying, they are going to Morocco. Jenny The Chin screams and jumps around like a demented school girl while Raef, Lee McQueen and Michael debate the type of clothes to pack. Raef does have a linen suit which would be ideal but not with him, still light colours are the best, cooler. Cut to girls in a car all in black.
Marrakesh porn.
6am - Lee Mcqueen appears to sleep in a hotel bath robe - interesting. Alex is bleary, ruffled and asking for breakfast - Oh practising his French I see. Michael is demanding his lunch. In French. Tit.
The briefing. Margaret and Nick, both in white blazers as their only concession to the heat, are here but Sralan is in London [lazy sod - Rad] so conveys the task via a video. Marrakesh is the bargaining capital of the world so they have a list of items to buy and woo betide em if they pay top dollar for anything, he/she who pays least wins. Its time to mix it up a bit Jenny Maguire & Michael are sent over to Renaissance and Sara goes to Alpha. Lucinda is looking resplendent in purple dress and matching shoes co ordinate with a hot pink pashmina. I think I might love her quite a lot.
Lee and Jenny Maguire are named project managers and are handed maps and tourist info and detailed descriptions of the 10 items they must buy. Sara is already well aquatinted with mosque alarm clocks, a sparkly bed spread and kosher chicken. ‘Is that Jewish?’ Helene asks but no one answers. Jenny Chin suggests making some calls but Jenny Maguire wants to get stuck straight into the market ‘and get the marbles out of our mouths with the French and the negotiations,’ I sort of know what she means, but still, what the fuck?
Margaret sits watching coolly as always. Not even desert heat's going to make her break sweat. I love Margaret quite a lot too.
Over at Alpha, Lee first of all wants the inside track from people who have been to Marrakesh before. Wise man. Step up Raef and Sara. Raef suggests getting into ‘the local garb so they don’t stand out’ hmm that accents not a give away tho is it? Sara looks dumb struck, Lucinda points out that even dressed in a burka they’ll still spot her blue eyes and then wonder if they are taking the ‘pee’. (I even love the way she tried not to swear.) ‘Just a suggestions’ huffs Raef, his Lawrence of Arabia fantasies smashed.
Before Alpha leaves the hotel, Lee McQueen wants them to pinpoint places each item can be found. I love Lee, I thought I was turning gay a minute ago but maybe I’m bi.
Sara pointed out they need to find the Jewish area for the kosher chicken, as this is a Muslim country it won’t be widely available. Why do I feel this may be important later? [Sara is the most clued-up of them all, I think, going on the past few weeks. - Rad]
Lee decides to keep Lucinda and Sara with him to see if the feedback regarding their (lack of) involvement with tasks is justified. And they are off, well Nearly. Lee has a question, ‘are you ready to win Alpha?’ Chicken noises or is that a retro Lenny Henry impression? ‘Comeon man’ says Lee McQueen. Careful that vain in your neck don’t pop, that's what I’m talking about.
And so to the market, Claire spots snakes and recoils. She's not near them or anything but she wouldn’t even for a million pounds, if Sralan said Claire kiss that snake or touch it she wouldn’t. Now I am going to try really hard not to say anything further about snakes, money, Sralan, kissing and touching.
Oh, Margret's got shades on and Jenny Chin has a head scarf to replace her neck tie. Renaissance split up, Jenny M, Alex and Claire wonder off after a man with a chicken... Jenny Chin tells Michael they have no strategy and are like headless chickens. Which is good because it saves me the trouble.
Despite no preparation Jenny M, Alex and Claire stumble across their first item, a Santos orange juicer. Claire suggests they try some role-play with Alex and Claire as a couple. After all the woman always has the final say when buying items for the house and if Claire is difficult and walks away it will help Alex’s bargaining. Right. Claire is well up for trying that, Alex is less enthralled at pretending she's his girlfriend. And before I know what's happening she's asking why after 7 years together they haven’t got married [this whole thing was very funny, but also very terrifying- Rad].
So asking prices of the juicer is 1200 dirhams, they have 600 dirhams. Claire looks unimpressed and says she's going outside. What? That's it? Isn’t she going to wrap herself around Alex, look pleadingly into his eyes and tell him she’ll do anything but she must have that juicer - and then flounce out? I would. Claire reappears and offers 1100 dirhams? No one seems to know what's going on.
Meanwhile Lee McQueen is doing a great alarm clock impression and Raef and Helene are off to buy a cowhide complete with tail. Raef pronounces this as ‘grass roots negotiation, as dirty as it gets’. Lee is ‘guided by his research’ and off for the green mosque alarm clock. Yes, OK, we get that Alpha planned [Alpha have all the competent and/or likeable people in this week, and Renaissance have all the 'baddies' and useless ones, anyone else notice that? - Rad] and Renaissance didn't. Sara’s negotiating, why does she suddenly sound like a character from Goodness Gracious Me? [It's a shame one of the items on the list wasn't a small aubergine. - Steve] The shop keeper isn’t impressed with Sara or with Lee McQueen getting ‘busted’ by ‘his people’ and proceeds to play an imaginary violin. I don’t love the shop keeper cos he's not my type but he is pretty cool all the same. The team walk away, but I bet like all good shopping trips they’ll be back to buy the first thing they found.
Jenny M and co have meanwhile ‘stumbled’ across the textile quarter and the berber bedspread (cream with silver sequins). Jenny wants Claire to keep quiet, drop the double act and let Alex negotiate but she fails on both counts. I think Claire likes being Alex's girlfriend and is living the dream.
Ah cut in interview with Mr Michael Sopocles. He is arrogant apparently. That's nice.
Back to the cow hide with tail, I am loving the miming so far although as Jenny Chin already has a tail to match her horns and pitch fork she could just show the shop keeper that. Now Michael is channelling dodgy ‘comedy’ Asian accent, seriously what does he think this will achieve? They get the cowhide for a third of the asking price and high 5 each other for a double act well acted. Raef and Helene are at the tannery which stinks. But their dedication to the cause pays off when they procure (from a very ill sounding gentleman) their cowhide for 250, didn’t Laurel & Hardy just pay 834? Even Raef can’t believe it.
Woohoo - as predicted Lee is back having his balls busted by the original shop keeper for the green alarm clock. 2 items down and they are off to the Jewish quarter (pinpointed by their research) for their 1 and a half kilos of kosher chicken. This means chicken that was butchered under rules of the Jewish faith - got that? good.
Meanwhile in the Muslim quarter Jenny M can find plenty of chicken but no kosher ones, they need a holy man to bless the chicken apparently. Why the fuck do they want to take a chicken to a mosque? They do know what kosher means don’t they? ‘O look’ says Claire ‘its head's getting cut off’. I assume she's talking about a chicken but Alex isn’t in shot...... Oh there he is. No Claire, you are not being stupid, Kosher is indeed Jewish and you are in a Muslim country... oh so nearly there and yet not - Muslims do not have kosher chicken, they have halal. I am shouting at the tv. Sorry. Alexs lip twitches but he says nothing. Jenny M is ‘foxed’ so she hands the chicken hunt to Jenny Chin and Michael instead. That's passing the chuck, gedit.
They have located a chicken but please Mr Butcher don’t kill that chicken until Jenny Chin can get it blessed by someone for the Mosque. Cos that’ll make it kosher? NO IT WILL NOT. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE! ‘Religious’ says Michael trying to explain himself to the bemused butcher and then looks as if he is about to cross himself. For fucks sake there are quite important, one could say fundamental, differences between Judaism, Islam and Christianity. I really am shocked at how unaware these people seem to be.
A bystander starts talking about halal, ‘is it halal?’ asks Jenny Chin ‘Can you make it halal?’ I am saying nothing.
Well, other than now the butcher's is a mosque, or the butcher is going to pray or has already prayed for the chicken. I swear I am abstaining from alcohol and recreational drugs in order to provide a clear headed re cap but I am starting to wonder if a combination of the two might help me make more sense of this.
As is usual in these sort of tasks Sralan is going to fine them for any items that don’t meet his exact specification. Quite what he's going to make of the chicken is anyones guess but I suspect the Chin and Michael's self congratulation is premature. Jenny Maguire buying a white rather than green mosque alarm clock rather pales (crap pun sort of intended) into insignificance.
Next Claire spots the tagines but are they 3 red Akal branded tagines? Well if they are genuine they should cost about 800 dirhams, these cost 100. Margaret's very disappointed. Nuff said. [I like to think Margaret has the proper, correct Akal tagines in her kitchen - Rad.]
The teams continue to work through their lists. Lovely Lucinda hot foots it out of the car and runs shrieking to the sports shop looking for tennis rackets (2, medium strung) to find The Chin and Michael already there. The way Jenny says ‘Hi Lucinda’ as she walks in makes me fear for her safety, what's she up to?
Evil cow bag! She is trying to make the nice racket stringing man say he will string their rackets tomorrow, there's 10 dirham in it for him [which is about 70p, I believe - Steve]. He looks confused and possibly a little sick so they approach the manager instead. The Evil Chin now has a look of the snake from Jungle Book about her as she tries to convince the equally bemused manager to comply with their plan. The manager laughs, she doesn’t need their money.
The Evil Chin is on the phone to someone saying they have tried to delay the other team getting their rackets and ‘have been involved in espionage’ but frustratingly we don’t know who is is on the phone too. Damn.
2.45pm Claire realises they need a green clock, she remembers looking at the photo this morning ‘and thinking god that's green’. It really is amazing what goes on in their brains isn’t it? So they are back hunting for an item they already have, oh no balls to that, they’ll dump that on Evil Chin and Michael too. If they weren’t such evil, cheating feckless idiots, I’d feel sorry for them.
With an hour to go Lucinda measures and buys a large blue cactus, Raef and Helene buy the right tagines. They call Lee McQueen to tell him and he tells them he's just ‘nailed the fucking blue cactus’. O the mental image [ouch - Rad]. Raef apologises to the listening shop assistant for the bad language. He is such a gent, I can’t bring myself to love him too though.
Marrakesh is shutting up shop and going home while Jenny is still trying to find a green mosque alarm clock and Lee, Sara and Lucinda hunt for a Santos orange juicer. Lee and Sara swear a lot, meanwhile Lucinda is a woman on a mission running around finding second hand juicers. The word goes out tourists will pay good money for a Santos orange juice. Jenny meanwhile has found a shop with the alarm clocks. As the shop keeper opens each box checking the colour it reminds me of the hunt for the golden ticket in Charlie and the chocolate factory. Oh, and there is the elusive green one, there is much jumping and squealing. Oh and dancing to the call to prayer, nice work Jenny and Claire [it's not quite as offensive as Claire and Kevin's country yokel patronising the other week, but it's close - Rad].
Just before Alpha disappear into their cars, 2 juicers appear and they end up spending the equivalent of £75 on a scruffy second hand specimen, but at least they have one.
Lee McQueen shouts, gesticulates and ‘come ons’ a lot in the back of his car.
Back at the hotel the candidates stand in their teams while the lovely Nick & Margaret call Sralan and give him the facts and figures. Nice shots of Sralan talking to them whilst wondering through what I assume is his mansion. Nick says Lee did well and the ‘real revelation was Sara and also Lucinda, they did very well indeed’. Nice work there Nick. Love you. [N and M truly are the voice of the viewer. Now if only we could sneak them onto the panel for I'd Do Anything - Rad]
So Alpha got all items correctly with no penalties and spent £413.61. Renaissance spent £449.60 but 2 items are disallowed and they incurred penalties on 2 items bringing their total to £603.59. Hmm wonder what those 2 items were...
So Alpha's prize? A private air balloon ride. They all look excited till he adds it's at Leeds castle and well they might. An air balloon ride in Marrakesh would be exciting and exotic, not words I associate with Leeds [Leeds Castle isn't in Leeds, as far as I know. I think it's down south somewhere - Rad] [It's in Kent. I remember it being advertised a lot on local radio when I was little. - Steve].
Renaissance are in the boardroom tomorrow. Alpha are off for champagne cocktails and for the losers the ‘hotel cafe’. Hardly looks like a dive though does it? I mean this isn’t a caravan park, it looks like a pretty swish hotel. Michael and Evil Chin think that perhaps the cactus let them down because they didn’t count the prickles. Jenny Maguire tells them ‘if they know in their heart and soul they did the right thing today then they have nothing to be afraid of’. This isn’t confession or a fairy tale, there is nothing fair about the Apprentice.
Flying and hot air balloon porn. Aw Lucinda hanging on to the basket looking enchanted is so sweet. Raef brown noses Lee, he expected to win due to his managerial skills apparently and there is much clinking of champagne glasses.
On the way to the boardroom Michael is already concerned Evil Chin is going to put the blame on him. She's not back stabbed people before has she?
Renaissance greet Sralan with a chorus of ‘bonjours’ which goes down like a lead balloon. Not a good start.
First off the lack of research (not signposted at all by the voice over) and planning is pulled apart. So to the items they got wrong well the tagines weren’t the branded item and then there is the kosher chicken. That's kosher chicken blessed by a Muslim butcher. Sralan tells Jenny she's a ‘lady of the world’ (my Nan always used that term to infer a woman of lose virtue but moving on) ‘slightly older than the rest’ he continues. Evil Chin perks up, its my birthday today’ she says “i’m 36’. What's she expecting? Jelly and cake? [Green jelly, at that. - Steve]
36 she may be but she apparently has never heard the term kosher or knows it is a Jewish word. Sralan is flabbergasted and he’s not the only one. Sralan turns his attention to Michael, the first thing he apparently wrote on his CV was that he was a good Jewish boy. Michael doesn’t seem very willing to confirm it though but says grudgingly he's ‘a nice Jewish boy’. ‘If you’re unsure’ Sralan retorts ‘we can always pull your trousers down, we can check.’ LOVE IT! [Sralan is so fierce this series, bullshit firings aside. - Rad] Everyone giggles and Michael doesn’t look horrified but then he's probably used to having his trousers pulled down.
Back to the chicken, I don’t think Sralan is feigning disbelief about the origin of their ‘kosher’ chicken. ‘Are you havin a larf?’ ['Is 'e avin a larf? - Rad] he asks ‘I don’t know why you didn’t go the whole hog and find a Roman Catholic Priest to take the butcher to confession’ Michael is embarrassed. He doesn’t know the yiddish word Sralan just used but he does know schmuck. Hell, I know schmuck but then I also know what Kosher means. Anyway now he's half Jewish [which apparently is impossible. So he probably means he met a Jewish person once - Rad].
Sralan doesn’t give a shit, he’ll fire 3 of them, he’ll fire 5 of them it don’t bother him [Go on , Sralan, fire five of them! - Rad]. Alex interjects that he would be the first to put his hands up if he’d made a mistake. Sralan wants another expression for ‘put your hands up’, don’t start changing all the stock phrases now or how will we play the drinking game? Alex putting his hands up mainly involves blaming Claire for paying £60 too much for the bed spread.
Michael sees an opening to win back some brownie points. I was a good negotiator, I got some good deals he says and you can tell he believes it. Oh Michael, how your bubble is about to be burst. There was that piece of dead cow hide you got down from 2500 to 834 dirhams. The Evil Chin is not happy, she pipes up that she was there too, it was her negotiation. More to the point guys the other team got theirs for 250. Own goal there perhaps? O bless, his face, I almost feel sorry. Almost.
Hang on now the Evil Chin is trying to blame Michael for the ‘chicken article’. Michael told her it would be alright and with his Jewish roots - whoa there Nelly. 5 minutes ago you didn’t know what Kosher means but now you knew enough to think someone with a Jewish back ground would have more knowledge? Michael is right, it is a lie. Claire looks as confused as I feel.
Anyway, enough headless chickens. Margaret goes in for the kill and asks whose idea it was to try and persuade the sports shop not to string Alpha's tennis rackets *Fiona rubs hands with glee*. Evil Chin says that was her idea and then immediately switches to talking about ‘we’, we did, we thought, we asked. A cheap shot suggests Nick to which Evil Chin agrees. Sralan boots all of them out to ‘sit and reflect’, that's what they used to do to us at Sunday School (yeah I know) when we were naughty. Never worked then either.
Alex and Jenny M sit outside saying this is all news to them, SO WHO DID SHE RING AND TELL THEN? Claire is quiet....
The 5 are sent back in and Evil Chin is first up. Now she claims Michael told her to ask for Halal meet and give thanks to Allah. God I am bored of typing this, partly cos I can’t keep track of who she's trying to pin what on now, please save me Sralan...YES THANK YOU God/Allah/Sralan Jenny Evil Chin Celery is FIRED.
‘Who's next?’ asks Teddy Ruckspin
Eviction Coat Watch: black, long, instantly forgettable. Bah
Jenny is shocked, Michael was worse than her whinge whinge.
Back to the boardroom.
Maguire says she's owned up to her mistakes but she's prickly when Sralan says she can’t read I think its more a case that she didn’t read. She's doing Alex’s twisty lip trick - eek!
Michael says he owns his mistakes [Does he bollocks. - Rad] but he's not flash when he get things right. Alex is passionate and full of beans, he gave it 100% and he’d fire Claire for interrupting his negotiations. Is it just me or is that a shit reason? I’d fire Michael personally. Claire thinks Jen should be fired because there were too many mistakes, she bought the wrong items and had to re buy the alarm clock. Well that's a bit more of a solid reason (and Claire is my sweepie).
Jenny's straight back at you Claire, 'it's like working with a Tasmanian devil' says Jenny. It looks weak to round immediately on the person who has criticised you because whether you are right or not it looks like a knee jerk reaction. At least take a second and look like you are absorbing what they’ve said.
Michael steps up to the plate for Claire, she was a fantastic project manager and looked after him. Shocked.
‘Alex’ says Sralan, pause while Alex poos himself, ‘go back to the house’. [I would have loved it if he'd randomly fired Alex, just because - Rad]
The remaining 3 are sent out again. Come on already, just fire Michael for being a stupid tosser and I’ll be happy. Margaret deems him a waste of space and I agree with her (she scares me a bit too). Nick points out he is a Catholic, Margaret is a Protestant (nice to know Sralan does abide by equal ops) and they know what Kosher is. Michael did Classics at Edinbrough, he is a bright boy. Nick can’t understand it. But Margaret's not buying it, ‘Edinbrough’ she declares ‘is not what it used to be’. O they’ll not like that, might be a good idea to check the state of Hadrians wall...
The Boardroom part 576i769707
Jenny Maguire admits she lost control of the task but she still seems intent on blaming Claire but Sralan seems to be liking Claire and she's showing more signs of self awareness. This woman is shaping up to be this year's Badger [No, she isn't. This year's Saira, perhaps. - Rad] and he has softened towards her so I doubt this strategy is going to pay off. But come on it's got to be Michael for the chop.
Sensing that Claire's little speech has cemented her place for next week Jenny turns on Michael and the bribing fiasco. But it wasn’t him he just backed Jenny Chin up he says. Maguire points out you wouldn’t want a liar or a cheat in your company - she has a point. Michael ‘doesn’t want to go mental’ but he wants this more than anything and if Sralan is still apprehensive about him, he should let him be PM again. Can I say what a fucking lame card this one is? [Me, too. I HATE the 'make me PM' card. It was kind of cool when Alexa did it, but since then, no. I want Sralan to call them on that tactic next time - Rad] Of course you’ll try extra hard when you’re PM but you should try that hard every task ARGH!
Sralan can’t be have liars and cheats YAY... o hang on, he was young once, Michael reminds him of himself [At 22? Like fuck is MS 22 - Rad], confusing over enthusiasm yadda yadda WHAT? Fair play to Jenny Maguire ‘if you want liars and cheats in your company fire me now’. ‘You’re making a scapegoat, like a politician or something’ whines Michael. God he is a cunt, a whiny little liar and cheat whose got caught out. He wants his pants taken down and his bum smacking, and while you’re there check for evidence of a foreskin and we can settle that debate too.
Sorry.
Sralan makes it sound like Jenny Maguire is totally 2 faced which I don’t think is actually true. But he fires Jenny Maguire anyway. I don’t believe he's let Michael get away with it! Neither does Michael as he mops his fevered brow.
Eviction coat watch - black belted trench coat. She has a very waspy waist.
On their way back to the house, Claire says the boardroom is just people talking shit, she's been through it twice before and it's making her harder and more resilient. At work her name is the rottweiler. If I were her I’d stop equating myself with dogs, it makes it far too easy for people to draw easy and cruel comparisons.
Back at the house they all assume Michael playing the Jewish card has sealed his fate and are shocked when he walks in.
Next week
Its the National Wedding show, selling wedding dresses. Lucinda in a sexy red number with a tape measure around her neck *swoons and falls over* [Does your husband know about this? - Rad]
Week Seven - Originally aired 7 May 2008
This is going to be a good one so lets not waste time. 16 tycoons of tomorrow, job interview from hell, London Porn, bloody clue (as in you haven’t got a) yadda yadda.
Previously the teams had to create an occasion and greeting cards to accompany it. Sadly no one went for a ‘sorry your 11 year old's been shot by a hoodie’ day and accompanying card and instead Matt Lucus went for the environmental soap box and Sralan went for him.
So to this week and first and foremost what we really want to know is who is going to answer the phone and more to the point what are they (not) wearing....? 7am, the candidates are up, which makes a change. Raef is already fully dressed but wait, whose that? Willie Winkie in his night gown? No its the lovely Lucinda in a full length blue and white stripped number- is there any look this woman can’t work? [Let's not encourage her. - Steve] Alex is ironing a nasty purple shirt whilst wearing an even nastier yellow one and scores nil points. Ooo the phones ringing and flouncing towards it like a big girl comes Michael.
‘Sralan would like you to pack for a two day trip to Morocco’ comes the voice of Frances/Not Frances/Someone else. ‘Really?’ asks Michael. ‘Na just a wind up’ she says. OK, I’m lying, they are going to Morocco. Jenny The Chin screams and jumps around like a demented school girl while Raef, Lee McQueen and Michael debate the type of clothes to pack. Raef does have a linen suit which would be ideal but not with him, still light colours are the best, cooler. Cut to girls in a car all in black.
Marrakesh porn.
6am - Lee Mcqueen appears to sleep in a hotel bath robe - interesting. Alex is bleary, ruffled and asking for breakfast - Oh practising his French I see. Michael is demanding his lunch. In French. Tit.
The briefing. Margaret and Nick, both in white blazers as their only concession to the heat, are here but Sralan is in London [lazy sod - Rad] so conveys the task via a video. Marrakesh is the bargaining capital of the world so they have a list of items to buy and woo betide em if they pay top dollar for anything, he/she who pays least wins. Its time to mix it up a bit Jenny Maguire & Michael are sent over to Renaissance and Sara goes to Alpha. Lucinda is looking resplendent in purple dress and matching shoes co ordinate with a hot pink pashmina. I think I might love her quite a lot.
Lee and Jenny Maguire are named project managers and are handed maps and tourist info and detailed descriptions of the 10 items they must buy. Sara is already well aquatinted with mosque alarm clocks, a sparkly bed spread and kosher chicken. ‘Is that Jewish?’ Helene asks but no one answers. Jenny Chin suggests making some calls but Jenny Maguire wants to get stuck straight into the market ‘and get the marbles out of our mouths with the French and the negotiations,’ I sort of know what she means, but still, what the fuck?
Margaret sits watching coolly as always. Not even desert heat's going to make her break sweat. I love Margaret quite a lot too.
Over at Alpha, Lee first of all wants the inside track from people who have been to Marrakesh before. Wise man. Step up Raef and Sara. Raef suggests getting into ‘the local garb so they don’t stand out’ hmm that accents not a give away tho is it? Sara looks dumb struck, Lucinda points out that even dressed in a burka they’ll still spot her blue eyes and then wonder if they are taking the ‘pee’. (I even love the way she tried not to swear.) ‘Just a suggestions’ huffs Raef, his Lawrence of Arabia fantasies smashed.
Before Alpha leaves the hotel, Lee McQueen wants them to pinpoint places each item can be found. I love Lee, I thought I was turning gay a minute ago but maybe I’m bi.
Sara pointed out they need to find the Jewish area for the kosher chicken, as this is a Muslim country it won’t be widely available. Why do I feel this may be important later? [Sara is the most clued-up of them all, I think, going on the past few weeks. - Rad]
Lee decides to keep Lucinda and Sara with him to see if the feedback regarding their (lack of) involvement with tasks is justified. And they are off, well Nearly. Lee has a question, ‘are you ready to win Alpha?’ Chicken noises or is that a retro Lenny Henry impression? ‘Comeon man’ says Lee McQueen. Careful that vain in your neck don’t pop, that's what I’m talking about.
And so to the market, Claire spots snakes and recoils. She's not near them or anything but she wouldn’t even for a million pounds, if Sralan said Claire kiss that snake or touch it she wouldn’t. Now I am going to try really hard not to say anything further about snakes, money, Sralan, kissing and touching.
Oh, Margret's got shades on and Jenny Chin has a head scarf to replace her neck tie. Renaissance split up, Jenny M, Alex and Claire wonder off after a man with a chicken... Jenny Chin tells Michael they have no strategy and are like headless chickens. Which is good because it saves me the trouble.
Despite no preparation Jenny M, Alex and Claire stumble across their first item, a Santos orange juicer. Claire suggests they try some role-play with Alex and Claire as a couple. After all the woman always has the final say when buying items for the house and if Claire is difficult and walks away it will help Alex’s bargaining. Right. Claire is well up for trying that, Alex is less enthralled at pretending she's his girlfriend. And before I know what's happening she's asking why after 7 years together they haven’t got married [this whole thing was very funny, but also very terrifying- Rad].
So asking prices of the juicer is 1200 dirhams, they have 600 dirhams. Claire looks unimpressed and says she's going outside. What? That's it? Isn’t she going to wrap herself around Alex, look pleadingly into his eyes and tell him she’ll do anything but she must have that juicer - and then flounce out? I would. Claire reappears and offers 1100 dirhams? No one seems to know what's going on.
Meanwhile Lee McQueen is doing a great alarm clock impression and Raef and Helene are off to buy a cowhide complete with tail. Raef pronounces this as ‘grass roots negotiation, as dirty as it gets’. Lee is ‘guided by his research’ and off for the green mosque alarm clock. Yes, OK, we get that Alpha planned [Alpha have all the competent and/or likeable people in this week, and Renaissance have all the 'baddies' and useless ones, anyone else notice that? - Rad] and Renaissance didn't. Sara’s negotiating, why does she suddenly sound like a character from Goodness Gracious Me? [It's a shame one of the items on the list wasn't a small aubergine. - Steve] The shop keeper isn’t impressed with Sara or with Lee McQueen getting ‘busted’ by ‘his people’ and proceeds to play an imaginary violin. I don’t love the shop keeper cos he's not my type but he is pretty cool all the same. The team walk away, but I bet like all good shopping trips they’ll be back to buy the first thing they found.
Jenny M and co have meanwhile ‘stumbled’ across the textile quarter and the berber bedspread (cream with silver sequins). Jenny wants Claire to keep quiet, drop the double act and let Alex negotiate but she fails on both counts. I think Claire likes being Alex's girlfriend and is living the dream.
Ah cut in interview with Mr Michael Sopocles. He is arrogant apparently. That's nice.
Back to the cow hide with tail, I am loving the miming so far although as Jenny Chin already has a tail to match her horns and pitch fork she could just show the shop keeper that. Now Michael is channelling dodgy ‘comedy’ Asian accent, seriously what does he think this will achieve? They get the cowhide for a third of the asking price and high 5 each other for a double act well acted. Raef and Helene are at the tannery which stinks. But their dedication to the cause pays off when they procure (from a very ill sounding gentleman) their cowhide for 250, didn’t Laurel & Hardy just pay 834? Even Raef can’t believe it.
Woohoo - as predicted Lee is back having his balls busted by the original shop keeper for the green alarm clock. 2 items down and they are off to the Jewish quarter (pinpointed by their research) for their 1 and a half kilos of kosher chicken. This means chicken that was butchered under rules of the Jewish faith - got that? good.
Meanwhile in the Muslim quarter Jenny M can find plenty of chicken but no kosher ones, they need a holy man to bless the chicken apparently. Why the fuck do they want to take a chicken to a mosque? They do know what kosher means don’t they? ‘O look’ says Claire ‘its head's getting cut off’. I assume she's talking about a chicken but Alex isn’t in shot...... Oh there he is. No Claire, you are not being stupid, Kosher is indeed Jewish and you are in a Muslim country... oh so nearly there and yet not - Muslims do not have kosher chicken, they have halal. I am shouting at the tv. Sorry. Alexs lip twitches but he says nothing. Jenny M is ‘foxed’ so she hands the chicken hunt to Jenny Chin and Michael instead. That's passing the chuck, gedit.
They have located a chicken but please Mr Butcher don’t kill that chicken until Jenny Chin can get it blessed by someone for the Mosque. Cos that’ll make it kosher? NO IT WILL NOT. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE! ‘Religious’ says Michael trying to explain himself to the bemused butcher and then looks as if he is about to cross himself. For fucks sake there are quite important, one could say fundamental, differences between Judaism, Islam and Christianity. I really am shocked at how unaware these people seem to be.
A bystander starts talking about halal, ‘is it halal?’ asks Jenny Chin ‘Can you make it halal?’ I am saying nothing.
Well, other than now the butcher's is a mosque, or the butcher is going to pray or has already prayed for the chicken. I swear I am abstaining from alcohol and recreational drugs in order to provide a clear headed re cap but I am starting to wonder if a combination of the two might help me make more sense of this.
As is usual in these sort of tasks Sralan is going to fine them for any items that don’t meet his exact specification. Quite what he's going to make of the chicken is anyones guess but I suspect the Chin and Michael's self congratulation is premature. Jenny Maguire buying a white rather than green mosque alarm clock rather pales (crap pun sort of intended) into insignificance.
Next Claire spots the tagines but are they 3 red Akal branded tagines? Well if they are genuine they should cost about 800 dirhams, these cost 100. Margaret's very disappointed. Nuff said. [I like to think Margaret has the proper, correct Akal tagines in her kitchen - Rad.]
The teams continue to work through their lists. Lovely Lucinda hot foots it out of the car and runs shrieking to the sports shop looking for tennis rackets (2, medium strung) to find The Chin and Michael already there. The way Jenny says ‘Hi Lucinda’ as she walks in makes me fear for her safety, what's she up to?
Evil cow bag! She is trying to make the nice racket stringing man say he will string their rackets tomorrow, there's 10 dirham in it for him [which is about 70p, I believe - Steve]. He looks confused and possibly a little sick so they approach the manager instead. The Evil Chin now has a look of the snake from Jungle Book about her as she tries to convince the equally bemused manager to comply with their plan. The manager laughs, she doesn’t need their money.
The Evil Chin is on the phone to someone saying they have tried to delay the other team getting their rackets and ‘have been involved in espionage’ but frustratingly we don’t know who is is on the phone too. Damn.
2.45pm Claire realises they need a green clock, she remembers looking at the photo this morning ‘and thinking god that's green’. It really is amazing what goes on in their brains isn’t it? So they are back hunting for an item they already have, oh no balls to that, they’ll dump that on Evil Chin and Michael too. If they weren’t such evil, cheating feckless idiots, I’d feel sorry for them.
With an hour to go Lucinda measures and buys a large blue cactus, Raef and Helene buy the right tagines. They call Lee McQueen to tell him and he tells them he's just ‘nailed the fucking blue cactus’. O the mental image [ouch - Rad]. Raef apologises to the listening shop assistant for the bad language. He is such a gent, I can’t bring myself to love him too though.
Marrakesh is shutting up shop and going home while Jenny is still trying to find a green mosque alarm clock and Lee, Sara and Lucinda hunt for a Santos orange juicer. Lee and Sara swear a lot, meanwhile Lucinda is a woman on a mission running around finding second hand juicers. The word goes out tourists will pay good money for a Santos orange juice. Jenny meanwhile has found a shop with the alarm clocks. As the shop keeper opens each box checking the colour it reminds me of the hunt for the golden ticket in Charlie and the chocolate factory. Oh, and there is the elusive green one, there is much jumping and squealing. Oh and dancing to the call to prayer, nice work Jenny and Claire [it's not quite as offensive as Claire and Kevin's country yokel patronising the other week, but it's close - Rad].
Just before Alpha disappear into their cars, 2 juicers appear and they end up spending the equivalent of £75 on a scruffy second hand specimen, but at least they have one.
Lee McQueen shouts, gesticulates and ‘come ons’ a lot in the back of his car.
Back at the hotel the candidates stand in their teams while the lovely Nick & Margaret call Sralan and give him the facts and figures. Nice shots of Sralan talking to them whilst wondering through what I assume is his mansion. Nick says Lee did well and the ‘real revelation was Sara and also Lucinda, they did very well indeed’. Nice work there Nick. Love you. [N and M truly are the voice of the viewer. Now if only we could sneak them onto the panel for I'd Do Anything - Rad]
So Alpha got all items correctly with no penalties and spent £413.61. Renaissance spent £449.60 but 2 items are disallowed and they incurred penalties on 2 items bringing their total to £603.59. Hmm wonder what those 2 items were...
So Alpha's prize? A private air balloon ride. They all look excited till he adds it's at Leeds castle and well they might. An air balloon ride in Marrakesh would be exciting and exotic, not words I associate with Leeds [Leeds Castle isn't in Leeds, as far as I know. I think it's down south somewhere - Rad] [It's in Kent. I remember it being advertised a lot on local radio when I was little. - Steve].
Renaissance are in the boardroom tomorrow. Alpha are off for champagne cocktails and for the losers the ‘hotel cafe’. Hardly looks like a dive though does it? I mean this isn’t a caravan park, it looks like a pretty swish hotel. Michael and Evil Chin think that perhaps the cactus let them down because they didn’t count the prickles. Jenny Maguire tells them ‘if they know in their heart and soul they did the right thing today then they have nothing to be afraid of’. This isn’t confession or a fairy tale, there is nothing fair about the Apprentice.
Flying and hot air balloon porn. Aw Lucinda hanging on to the basket looking enchanted is so sweet. Raef brown noses Lee, he expected to win due to his managerial skills apparently and there is much clinking of champagne glasses.
On the way to the boardroom Michael is already concerned Evil Chin is going to put the blame on him. She's not back stabbed people before has she?
Renaissance greet Sralan with a chorus of ‘bonjours’ which goes down like a lead balloon. Not a good start.
First off the lack of research (not signposted at all by the voice over) and planning is pulled apart. So to the items they got wrong well the tagines weren’t the branded item and then there is the kosher chicken. That's kosher chicken blessed by a Muslim butcher. Sralan tells Jenny she's a ‘lady of the world’ (my Nan always used that term to infer a woman of lose virtue but moving on) ‘slightly older than the rest’ he continues. Evil Chin perks up, its my birthday today’ she says “i’m 36’. What's she expecting? Jelly and cake? [Green jelly, at that. - Steve]
36 she may be but she apparently has never heard the term kosher or knows it is a Jewish word. Sralan is flabbergasted and he’s not the only one. Sralan turns his attention to Michael, the first thing he apparently wrote on his CV was that he was a good Jewish boy. Michael doesn’t seem very willing to confirm it though but says grudgingly he's ‘a nice Jewish boy’. ‘If you’re unsure’ Sralan retorts ‘we can always pull your trousers down, we can check.’ LOVE IT! [Sralan is so fierce this series, bullshit firings aside. - Rad] Everyone giggles and Michael doesn’t look horrified but then he's probably used to having his trousers pulled down.
Back to the chicken, I don’t think Sralan is feigning disbelief about the origin of their ‘kosher’ chicken. ‘Are you havin a larf?’ ['Is 'e avin a larf? - Rad] he asks ‘I don’t know why you didn’t go the whole hog and find a Roman Catholic Priest to take the butcher to confession’ Michael is embarrassed. He doesn’t know the yiddish word Sralan just used but he does know schmuck. Hell, I know schmuck but then I also know what Kosher means. Anyway now he's half Jewish [which apparently is impossible. So he probably means he met a Jewish person once - Rad].
Sralan doesn’t give a shit, he’ll fire 3 of them, he’ll fire 5 of them it don’t bother him [Go on , Sralan, fire five of them! - Rad]. Alex interjects that he would be the first to put his hands up if he’d made a mistake. Sralan wants another expression for ‘put your hands up’, don’t start changing all the stock phrases now or how will we play the drinking game? Alex putting his hands up mainly involves blaming Claire for paying £60 too much for the bed spread.
Michael sees an opening to win back some brownie points. I was a good negotiator, I got some good deals he says and you can tell he believes it. Oh Michael, how your bubble is about to be burst. There was that piece of dead cow hide you got down from 2500 to 834 dirhams. The Evil Chin is not happy, she pipes up that she was there too, it was her negotiation. More to the point guys the other team got theirs for 250. Own goal there perhaps? O bless, his face, I almost feel sorry. Almost.
Hang on now the Evil Chin is trying to blame Michael for the ‘chicken article’. Michael told her it would be alright and with his Jewish roots - whoa there Nelly. 5 minutes ago you didn’t know what Kosher means but now you knew enough to think someone with a Jewish back ground would have more knowledge? Michael is right, it is a lie. Claire looks as confused as I feel.
Anyway, enough headless chickens. Margaret goes in for the kill and asks whose idea it was to try and persuade the sports shop not to string Alpha's tennis rackets *Fiona rubs hands with glee*. Evil Chin says that was her idea and then immediately switches to talking about ‘we’, we did, we thought, we asked. A cheap shot suggests Nick to which Evil Chin agrees. Sralan boots all of them out to ‘sit and reflect’, that's what they used to do to us at Sunday School (yeah I know) when we were naughty. Never worked then either.
Alex and Jenny M sit outside saying this is all news to them, SO WHO DID SHE RING AND TELL THEN? Claire is quiet....
The 5 are sent back in and Evil Chin is first up. Now she claims Michael told her to ask for Halal meet and give thanks to Allah. God I am bored of typing this, partly cos I can’t keep track of who she's trying to pin what on now, please save me Sralan...YES THANK YOU God/Allah/Sralan Jenny Evil Chin Celery is FIRED.
‘Who's next?’ asks Teddy Ruckspin
Eviction Coat Watch: black, long, instantly forgettable. Bah
Jenny is shocked, Michael was worse than her whinge whinge.
Back to the boardroom.
Maguire says she's owned up to her mistakes but she's prickly when Sralan says she can’t read I think its more a case that she didn’t read. She's doing Alex’s twisty lip trick - eek!
Michael says he owns his mistakes [Does he bollocks. - Rad] but he's not flash when he get things right. Alex is passionate and full of beans, he gave it 100% and he’d fire Claire for interrupting his negotiations. Is it just me or is that a shit reason? I’d fire Michael personally. Claire thinks Jen should be fired because there were too many mistakes, she bought the wrong items and had to re buy the alarm clock. Well that's a bit more of a solid reason (and Claire is my sweepie).
Jenny's straight back at you Claire, 'it's like working with a Tasmanian devil' says Jenny. It looks weak to round immediately on the person who has criticised you because whether you are right or not it looks like a knee jerk reaction. At least take a second and look like you are absorbing what they’ve said.
Michael steps up to the plate for Claire, she was a fantastic project manager and looked after him. Shocked.
‘Alex’ says Sralan, pause while Alex poos himself, ‘go back to the house’. [I would have loved it if he'd randomly fired Alex, just because - Rad]
The remaining 3 are sent out again. Come on already, just fire Michael for being a stupid tosser and I’ll be happy. Margaret deems him a waste of space and I agree with her (she scares me a bit too). Nick points out he is a Catholic, Margaret is a Protestant (nice to know Sralan does abide by equal ops) and they know what Kosher is. Michael did Classics at Edinbrough, he is a bright boy. Nick can’t understand it. But Margaret's not buying it, ‘Edinbrough’ she declares ‘is not what it used to be’. O they’ll not like that, might be a good idea to check the state of Hadrians wall...
The Boardroom part 576i769707
Jenny Maguire admits she lost control of the task but she still seems intent on blaming Claire but Sralan seems to be liking Claire and she's showing more signs of self awareness. This woman is shaping up to be this year's Badger [No, she isn't. This year's Saira, perhaps. - Rad] and he has softened towards her so I doubt this strategy is going to pay off. But come on it's got to be Michael for the chop.
Sensing that Claire's little speech has cemented her place for next week Jenny turns on Michael and the bribing fiasco. But it wasn’t him he just backed Jenny Chin up he says. Maguire points out you wouldn’t want a liar or a cheat in your company - she has a point. Michael ‘doesn’t want to go mental’ but he wants this more than anything and if Sralan is still apprehensive about him, he should let him be PM again. Can I say what a fucking lame card this one is? [Me, too. I HATE the 'make me PM' card. It was kind of cool when Alexa did it, but since then, no. I want Sralan to call them on that tactic next time - Rad] Of course you’ll try extra hard when you’re PM but you should try that hard every task ARGH!
Sralan can’t be have liars and cheats YAY... o hang on, he was young once, Michael reminds him of himself [At 22? Like fuck is MS 22 - Rad], confusing over enthusiasm yadda yadda WHAT? Fair play to Jenny Maguire ‘if you want liars and cheats in your company fire me now’. ‘You’re making a scapegoat, like a politician or something’ whines Michael. God he is a cunt, a whiny little liar and cheat whose got caught out. He wants his pants taken down and his bum smacking, and while you’re there check for evidence of a foreskin and we can settle that debate too.
Sorry.
Sralan makes it sound like Jenny Maguire is totally 2 faced which I don’t think is actually true. But he fires Jenny Maguire anyway. I don’t believe he's let Michael get away with it! Neither does Michael as he mops his fevered brow.
Eviction coat watch - black belted trench coat. She has a very waspy waist.
On their way back to the house, Claire says the boardroom is just people talking shit, she's been through it twice before and it's making her harder and more resilient. At work her name is the rottweiler. If I were her I’d stop equating myself with dogs, it makes it far too easy for people to draw easy and cruel comparisons.
Back at the house they all assume Michael playing the Jewish card has sealed his fate and are shocked when he walks in.
Next week
Its the National Wedding show, selling wedding dresses. Lucinda in a sexy red number with a tape measure around her neck *swoons and falls over* [Does your husband know about this? - Rad]
Thursday, 1 May 2008
Card sharks
Episode 6
Original airdate: 30 April 2008
Previously: the teams had to make ice-cream and sell it. Lucinda's team started well, but Claire's team got a highly valuable last-minute deal to scoop the victory. Lucinda claimed in the boardroom that Helene called The Best Salesperson in Europe "evil", which Helene denied, and Princess Lindi was fired, taking her awesome coat and weave with her.
6.30am. Darkness. The phone rings, and a sleepy Lee McQueen stumbles downstairs to answer it. Sleep attire update: sleeveless t-shirt and long pyjama bottoms. I deem this acceptable. Lucinda, to no one's surprise, apparently sleeps in a giant billowing nightgown of the type last seen sported by the Pevensie children as they disappeared through the wardrobe heading for Narnia. The Disembodied Voice of NotFrances tells them that Sralan wants to meet them at Hackney Town Hall, and the car will be there in half an hour. That is one of many reasons why I would fail hugely on this programme; it takes me at least three times as long as that to get ready in the morning. Lee thanks NotFrances politely. Upstairs Alex (I think) claims to have been awake for an hour and a half, "waiting for that bastard phone to ring", as Kevin puts it.
BeretWatch: Raspberry. Lucinda leads the team into their car. Voiceover Mark tells us that Sralan's roots are in Hackney; he was born and brought up there, and it was the place where he founded his business empire. Before it got moved to Brentford, but we're not supposed to talk about that, so shhhhh. He joins Nick and Margaret to face the teams. Sara is wearing a rather fetching mustard-coloured jacket. Sralan tells the teams that his birth and marriage were registered in Hackney, and if his blood pressure rises any further in the boardroom, his death will be registered there too. The candidates all smile politely, because if there is one skill at which they have all exceeded expectations, it's corporate toadying. The awkward segue here is that births, marriages and deaths are usually followed up by greetings cards. (Does anyone send marriage cards? Engagement cards, yes, anniversary cards, yes, and you buy a present for the the wedding, but I've never sent a "you got married!" card in my life.) [I always send wedding cards, Steve, and very rarely engagement ones. Who is right? There's on ly one way to tell.... FIIIIGHT - Rad] The task, then, is to come up with a special occasion and make a range of five cards covering that occasion. Once they've done that, they'll be pitching to three of Britain's biggest greetings card retailers. One team will win, the others will lose, and one member of the latter team will be fired.
Sralan calls on Michael Sophocles, and says he needs to get to know him better. From what I've seen of Michael Sophocles, I wouldn't advise it. Sralan tells Michael he will be team leader of Alpha, so Michael sidles over to the Alpha team. Kevin will be the Renaissance team leader. And truly, if there were ever a more fitting meeting of the non-minds than between Kevin and Michael Sophocles, I've not witnessed it. The teams are dismissed, and get into their cars and leave Hackney, thereby showing us that there really was no reason for them to have been there in the first place. That discussion could've been had in Hanwell, or Hillingdon, or Barnet, or Ashby-de-la-Zouch, and it wouldn't have made any difference. Though I'm sure Hackney Council were glad their borough got shown looking clean and sparkly on a nice sunny day, which really doesn't meld with my experience of Hackney at all, but let's move on.
Michael Sophocles is looking forward to working with new people, and is expecting open-mindedness from everyone, he says. He adds that lateral thinking is imperative. There are murmurs of assent, so I can only assume that what he said is apparently not total bollocks if you're from a business background. We're treated to an obviously pre-show VT of Michael saying he'd screw over anyone to win, because he, like everyone else on this show [Except Nick and Margaret, obviously - Rad], is an ass.
In the Renaissance Car, Sara thinks this will be an exciting task, because they have lots of creative people. Alex is wearing a lovely overcoat, but is still an utter tosser - you can tell by the way he's pursing his lips that he's already wondering who to finger to be fired in the event that they lose. Kevin says he couldn't be happier with his team, and another pre-show VT from Kevin shows him claiming that as a leader he inspires devotion, that people want to work for him because he makes their lives inspirational. This was where I texted my boyfriend and informed him that less than 10 minutes into the programme, Kevin was already inspiring serious lulz. Kevin goes on (and on and Ariston) to say that he had his first house by the age of 20, and a second house and a Porsche by 23, and now he wants a Ferrari. Do you want to make the obvious "penis extension" comment here, or shall I? [Can I just call him a total dick instead? - Fiona] He wants to be the most successful businessman the world has ever seen by the age of 40. I'm sure Bill Gates is terrified right now.
Alpha arrives at Hallmark's London studio, and have one day to invent a new occasion for their cards. The Best Salesperson in Europe suggests National Joke Day. Michael Sophocles thinks Cosmetic Surgery cards are the order of the day, though I assume he does not mean by implication that there should be a national day where everyone should have cosmetic surgery - he's just an idiot. Raef makes the bizarre point that women are happy to tell people they've had a boob job, but "more intimate" surgery like nose jobs is not the sort of thing you blab about. Oooookay. Michael Sophocles clarifies that this is aimed purely at the families of those who have had surgery. Proving that there is too such a thing as a suggestion you should keep to yourself, the flipchart (drink!) behind him says, brilliantly, "7. Aliens". Happy Aliens Day!
Renaissance. Jenny Celery suggests a Prom Day card, before suggesting an Environment card. Because really, what says "I AM ECOLOGICALLY AWARE" better than mass-manufacturing paper products that serve little to no purpose? Seriously, I know several people who do not buy cards any more because they're a waste of resources (either that or they're just tight), and I judge every single member of this team for not pointing out there and then what an absolutely fucking moronic idea that was. Sara suggests a religious theme like Eid cards, which she's had trouble getting hold of in the past, which is no doubt an excellent niche market to tap into, but is still not an event that they have created. Claire interrupts and asks Jenny Celery for more detail on the environmental cards. Jenny Celery's chin is fucking huge here, by the way. Jenny Celery elaborates on a possible Save the Planet day (because it can totally be done in 24 hours, with the power of a greetings card!) and Kevin adds that supermarkets are big on the eco-conscious theme nowadays. The supermarkets in Guildford where he shops, no doubt. Alex chew his pen. Kevin checks that everyone knows what they've been assigned, and they set off to "nail Alpha to the floor".
Voiceover Mark tells us about the pitches they will be making tomorrow: one is to the Celebrations group, with 288 stores across the country; one to Tesco; and one to market leader Clinton Cards. I have to quote this next piece of word vomit from Jenny Celery verbatim, because it's hilarious: "I would send a card to as many friends as possible to say look, start doing something about the huge impact that we're having on our environment. We're destroying the world with our actions. Let's take some action to counteract that." I bet her friends, assuming she has any, would love that. Incidentally, throughout this monologue Sara is busy looking through a dossier and taking notes, while Alex is staring off into space and pulling faces. This will be important later. Sara says they need to target the largest market possible, which causes Jenny Celery to snip that she's not going to target the smallest market, is she? Wow, professional! Sara tries to explain that she thinks pets might be a good idea, and Jenny Celery talks over her about how they need more than one idea, and basically does not let Sara get a word in edgeways. Alex continues to pull faces and stare into space (while wearing his lovely overcoat). All of this: important later. Sara complainterviews that her ideas are not being heard, which makes her think they must be rubbish, but when she brings them up again later, people want to know why she didn't say anything sooner. Because they're assholes, Sara - surely you can see that?
Sara, Jenny Celery, and Alex (whose coat does not look nearly as lovely from behind, and kind of makes him look like a monochrome Carmen Sandiego minus the hat) go to Clintons for product research. We see shots of cards "from the cat" and offering "diet congratulations", which confirms my belief that the greetings card industry is essentially pure evil. Jenny Celery asks a member of staff if they have any cards about losing weight or best friends, which they do, but that they don't have any support the environment cards. The employee does not add "because that would be utterly counterproductive, you total cretin", but you know she's thinking it. Outside, Jenny Celery interviews that the environment cards are "coming out on top", looking very pleased with herself, not that she doesn't usually.
Kevin agrees to go with environment cards, and is in the car with Claire on their way somewhere. He rhapsodises about how they can change the world, but only if the major retailers back them, so people can go out, buy a card, read some facts, and make a difference. Hopefully by vowing not to buy any more unnecessary cards. Interview Claire compares Kevin to a pitbull terrier, saying that he bites quickly and is arrogant, before adding that a lot of people in the house think he's got short-man syndrome, which is AWESOME and makes me love her [Claire is growing on me a lot, too - Rad]. Back in the car, Kevin tells Claire that pitching is whattiggers he does best. Interview Claire says that Kevin takes everything very seriously, but has a fun factor of zero.
Alpha team, consisting of Lee, Helene and Michael Sophocles, are also in a branch of Clinton's doing research. Michael Sophocles suggests they ask some people, so they go to the nearest pub and grab two drunk guys. Kidding! In a nearby shop (Card Fair, maybe?), Raef phones Michael Sophocles with an idea: how about a Singles Day for those who cannot celebrate Valentine's Day? This goes down well with Lee and Helene.
Lee and Michael Sophocles do research on the streets with actual real people this time. Michael Sophocles is embarrassingly overbearing, as usual. A group of young girls like the idea of a Singles Day, and suggest it should be the day before Valentine's Day. Team Alpha heads back to the studio to work on their Singles Day concept. Michael asks for a volunteer to do the pitch, since he's used to doing presentations over the phone rather than in person. In other words, he's one of those assholes who cold-calls you and tries to sell you broadband or something else you either already have or do not want. Ass. Everyone volunteers to do the pitch, and Michael Sophocles selects Raef to do it. Another pre-show VT, this time that one we've all seen before of Raef referring to the spoken word as his "tool". Fnar.
Renaissance head home to brainstorm designs for their cards. Kevin asks if anyone was good at poetry at school. Judging by his effort of "a house with no insulation / Is a crime against the nation / Don't be a cheat / Keep in the heat / And protect our next generation", Alex obviously was not. He looks ever so pleased with himself nonetheless.
Jenny Celery interviews that she's delighted the team is so passionate about her environmental idea. Emphasis on the "mental", no doubt. She claims to have talked Kevin into downsizing his Porsche for a bicycle. Don't do it, Kevin! Otherwise we'll have to add Boris Johnson to the long list of people you're likely to get mistaken for! Kevin brings up the subject of the pitch, and asks the others how confident they are that they could do it well. Claire says she'd be very confident, that she deals with pitches every day in her line of work and it doesn't faze her at all. Sara thinks on this occasion Jenny Celery or Claire would be the best person for the pitch. Jenny Celery is "hugely passionate about the project" and has a strong sales background. Kevin is "150% confident" (drink!) that he can go in there and nail the pitch, and decides that he should do it. Well, that's democratic. He thinks they should work together on what to go into the pitch, and then he can put his own personality into it. Sara looks a tad doubtful, perhaps because she alone has realised that Kevin's personality smells like rancid toxic ass. Interview Kevin brings on the hubris by saying that he's confident he can win an argument with Sralan Sugar about the environment, and that anybody who doesn't think the environment is worth saving is going to lose. Kevin has made many mistakes this week, but I think his utter failure to differentiate between "people who don't want to save the planet" and "people who consider this particular business venture to be unsustainable, hypocritical and massively flawed" is probably the most parlous one.
Raef is in bed, practicing his pitch to Lee and Michael Sophocles. Lee is very impressed with Raef's belief in his product. [I am very impressed with Lee - Fiona]
7.30am, the next day. The teams are off to shoot pictures and design their cards. They must be ready to pitch by 6pm. Kevin and Sara go to the design studio, where the chap in charge assumes Kevin's name is Alex. Heh. (This presumably implies that Alex made some kind of confirmation call to the design studio, which makes a sum total of two constructive things he has done on this task, assuming we can give him credit for the assy poetry.) The rest of Team Renaissance are at the photo shoot, with Jenny Celery and Alex trying to coerce a boy on a tricycle who looks like a MiniPops version of Chad from High School Musical [and also: that Ashleu/Sideshow Bob character from The X Factor the other year - Rad] to smile. MiniChad cries. [So would I if I had the child catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (Jenny Celerie) gurning at me - Fiona] I'm not necessarily sure the two things were directly related, but it's funny, so I'll let it go. Jenny Celery fashions a skirt out of bin bags. It's pretty good, actually.
At 12.15pm, professional model Tom arrives. Not wishing to be unkind, but Tom is kind of ugly for a professional model. I know that Miss Tyra taught me that models are often not conventionally pretty, but he's kind of pale and scrawny and just not what I'd picture a male model to look like. Though it becomes clear soon after that he has not been hired for his face, but for his ass. Tom will be wearing a kilt, which will be blown up with a fan, which per Jenny Celery "will produce a serious message about people utilising wind power to use global warming". If she didn't exist, you'd have to invent her. Tom does a practice with his pants on, then Jenny Celery offers him a thong. Claire clarifies it's a women's thong. Hee. Tom, who's clearly a good sport, wears the thong. I hope he also remembers to -~SmiLe wiT HiS EyeZ~-. Back at the studio, Sara laughs at the picture and says it looks like Kevin, first of all, then she decides it looks like a woman. Hee.
Margaret finally interviews what every sentient viewer has been thinking: that it's very strange to send a card to promote environmental issues when it will be made out of paper and require an envelope and other such waste products. She also expresses concern that the card will contain "some sort of sermon", which she thinks is not what people want. Sara asks Kevin what he thinks of the card. Kevin says nothing.
Over on Team Alpha, Michael Sophocles is supervising the design and has sent Lucinda, Helene and The Best Salesperson in Europe to co-ordinate the shoot. Because that's not a recipe for disaster or anything. True to form, Michael Sophocles has not officially delegated responsibility to anyone. Oh dear. Lucinda says they need to discuss it between the three of them there, presumably to avoid any confusion between them and three completely separate people elsewhere. "No one's telling you what to do," Helene non-sequiturs. Essentially what this boils down to is a passive-aggressive argument between Helene and Lucinda with each deliberately pushing the other's buttons, and The Best Salesperson in Europe sat in the middle wishing she were anywhere else right now. Arriving at the studio, Helene wants to direct because she had a lot of the ideas. Helene interviews that Lucinda is always looking for an argument and trying to court sympathy. She's pretty on the money there, but Helene really hasn't behaved that much better either. Models arrive, and it has been decided that The Best Salesperson in Europe and Helene will direct the shoot, while Lucinda takes charge of the props. The first photo is for a card aimed at single mums.
At the studio, Michael Sophocles is working with Lee on the layout, but has a problem about the location of the apostrophe in "National Singles Day", if there is one. So he rings the Telegraph and asks for the editing department. Seriously. He then bitches that they're taking too long, and phones the British Library. A chatty-sounding woman says that it's a difficult one, and that she can check and ring him back, while the ever-charming Michael Sophocles rolls his eyes and make finger-gun gestures under his chin. ASS. They get a whole selection of conflicting answers, much to Raef's amusement.
Team Renaissance have done their pictures and are heading back to the studio. Claire thinks Kevin should have his pitch ready by now, since they've been working so hard, and hopes that he isn't going to drone on. Voiceover Mark informs us that the pitch is in two and a half hours. In the car, Claire thinks Jenny Celery should be doing the pitch, not Kevin. Alex says that he voiced that to Kevin last night, which my Alex-English dictionary translates as "KEVIN SHOULD BE FIRED SHOULD THIS GO DOWN THE SHITTER. NOT I."
They arrive back at the studio, and Kevin hands them the inside of the card to look over. Claire questions the italics, and Kevin tells her the font decision has been made, so Claire asks why he bothered to ask for her opinion in the first place. Point to Claire. Kevin sends Jenny Celery, Claire and Alex off to start work on the pitch while he and Sara finish off. Claire says that Kevin is stressed.
Over on Alpha, they've been arguing about the apostrophe for three-and-a-half hours, so Michael makes an executive decision to put the apostrophe after the s so they can get on and print. Back at Renaissance, Kevin puts his pitch together with a lot of help from Claire, who babies him through it. It becomes increasingly apparent that Kevin may have two houses and a Porsche, but he lacks a clue. Kevin realises he's fucked, and suggests Claire should do the pitch. Claire thinks that Jenny Celery should do the pitch. Jenny Celery and her chin are amused that it has come back to her at this late stage in the game. She says she wanted to do it yesterday, but is not prepared to do it at two hours' notice. She interviews that she was not willing to accept responsibility for Kevin's failings. Nor indeed her own, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
Pitching time! Alpha arrive at Clinton Cards HQ, and Raef pitches their Singles' Day idea. The cards look fairly good, but Male Clinton Executive questions the timing of the event, saying that they will have turned 40% of the store over to Valentine's Day in the run-up to the day itself, and he would be reluctant to have this fighting for space with one of their major seasons. They then head to Tesco, which is apparently No.2 in the greetings card industry, a fact that makes my soul die a little. I bet it kills them that they're not No.1, as well. Raef opens by bragging that they've just come back from a very positive meeting with the market leader, and I still haven't decided if that's a brilliant strategy or an appalling one, so I shall just keep going. Mr Tesco doesn't think people want to celebrate being single the day before Valentine's Day. Lee says that many single people despise Valentine's Day and they want to tap into that market and encourage them to be proud of their singledom. "Right. Who's going to send the card?" asks Mr Tesco. Silence.
Outside, the team discuss the issue with the date. Michael Sophocles and The Best Salesperson in Europe think the date is scuppering their pitch, while Raef thinks that to do so would be to undermine the whole thing. Michael Sophocles decides to remove the date from the pitch. They head to the Celebrations Group. Ms Celebrations asks when National Singles Day would be, and Raef flounders around being "open to suggestion", which she correctly reads as them not knowing. Lee interjects that they want to make sure logistically it's viable for the retailers, which is a very shrewd move at this point. Michael Sophocles smarms that he has single parent friends he would love to send that card to, because they're "a forgotten part of society". Really? Okay.
Team Renaissance pitch. Kevin tells Alex that the concept is so strong, he'd really have to balls this up for it not to sell itself. Well, he got 50% of that statement right. They go to Clinton's first, and Kevin opens by quoting statistics, which instantly puts me in mind of Nargis and the cat calendar and this was when I knew with absolute certainty that Renaissance would lose. Kevin's pitch is stilted and kind of angry. Female Clinton's Executive asks him who his target consumer is, and Kevin starts rattling off some nonsense about the diverse audience of the Live 8 concerts, who were totally there because they loved the planet and not because they wanted to see Madonna for free. Male Clinton's Executive makes this point too, and asks Kevin what the motivation is to go into the shop and buy this card. Kevin says their market is everyone. Jenny Celery opens her mouth wide and sticks her foot right in it by saying that she has cut down hugely on the number of cards she buys because she's aware of the environmental impact that they have. That's her entire point, in case you were wondering. And she still doesn't realise why this product is horribly, fatally flawed. Moron. Female Clinton's Executive asks if they really think that card will make somebody smile, and in fairness, it would make me smile because I would know that it was what got Kevin fired (oops, spoiler), but I see her point.
Oh, and this is where it gets awesome. Kevin: "If you don't put your weight behind it, then it's just the same as the US saying we don't care about pollution." OH YES HE DID. In the lady car, Claire derides Kevin's lack of presentation and wonders if they might've found him just a teensy bit angry, while in the man car, Kevin says to Alex that he doesn't have any concerns about the product, and that if Clinton's don't want to support it, they are an environmentally unfriendly company. Alex smiles to himself, safe in the knowledge that he can sit back and let Kevin get himself fired. "If that's the attitude everyone takes, then we're not going to be able to save any planet," mourns Kevin. Yep. You're certainly not going to save Uranus. (No, I'm not above that joke.)
At the Celebrations group, their buyer asks if an eco-conscious person wouldn't be more likely to send an e-card. Kevin thinks they wouldn't, because the point of this card is to be educational. Which apparently an e-card cannot achieve. He throws out some more statistics. The Celebrations Buyer thinks the message is good, but doesn't believe a card is the most appropriate medium. So Kevin suggests balloons, which totally won't pop over the sea and choke the fish and seagulls or anything. Outside, Claire advises Kevin to tone down the aggression in his pitch. I like that she at least has the decency to tell him that. Kevin goes in to pitch to Tesco, and their buyer doesn't seem to have any great objections that we see. Kevin calls for a Team Renaissance hug, though why he'd want to give the likes of Alex and Jenny Celery any more of an opportunity to stab him in the back is a mystery to me.
Boardroom. Sralan asks Michael Sophocles about his idea. Sralan asks who sends the Singles Day cards. The Best Salesperson in Europe says that you could buy a card for your friend or your sister at the same time as you're buying a Valentine's card for a loved one. Sralan makes the point as a retailer that he wouldn't want it jostling for space at one of his busiest times, and asks Michael Sophocles if he would reconsider the idea. Michael Sophocles does not recognise a leading question when he hears one, so he says no. Sralan asks for feedback on Michael Sophocles's leadership. Lee says he was good. Sralan asks for Nick's feedback, and Nick says that he did well, but brings up the four hour apostrophe catastrophe. Margaret laughs. Nick facetiously mentions the involvement of the editor of the Daily Telegraph. Michael Sophocles starts to roll his eyes, and Sralan tells him not to be so impatient because he's asking him a question. Michael Sophocles says that it was three hours, not four, somewhat impertinently. He is going to get such a smackdown later, you mark my words.
Sralan turns to Kevin. Sralan looks up scornfully at the idea of a Love Your Planet week, saying that cards are for personal sentiment, not political rhetoric. He asks who did the pitch, and when Kevin says that he did it, Sralan asks if the team thought he was the best man for the job. Claire says no, that she thought she or Jenny should have done it. Sralan remembers that Claire is a retail buyer by trade. Claire says that Kevin was determined to do the pitch himself.
Results. Tesco first of all: they bought 6000 cards from Renaissance, but only 1500 from Alpha. Clinton's didn't buy any cards from Renaissance, and another 1500 from Alpha. Celebrations didn't buy any cards from Renaissance either, and bought 19,500 from Alpha. Seriously. That there is one ass-whoopin', served up steamin'. Michael Sophocles screams (literally screams, I tell you) "COME ON! COME ON!!" and thumps the desk in triumph, looking like a murderous toddler. Margaret's look of horror is truly priceless [Although not as priceless as Nick's revelation on You're Fired that he and Margaret were texting about this on their way home. Also awesome on YF - Jenny Celery and Claire laughing when they found Little Britain cards with Matt Lucas on in the shops - Rad]. Sralan chides him for his outburst, which he says was like something you'd hear at a football match. Alpha's reward is a private recital from Myleene Klass. That is so fucking lame [I know! They could at least have got Barrowman to sing as well - Rad]. Alpha leave.
Sralan tells Renaissance that he could tell from the get-go that their idea was no idea, and that two leading specialist retailers agreed with him. They head off to Loser Café for the deconstruction. Kevin proves he has learnt nothing by saying that the concept is still strong, it's just not marketable. Claire thinks the first and second pitches were unclear. Jenny Celery, now acutely aware that she is royally in the shit, seizes upon the person she perceives to be the weakest: Sara. She tells the others that Sara contributed no ideas. Sara points out that any attempt she made to contribute ideas were shouted down and ignored by Jenny Celery. In an interview, Jenny Celery says that Sara delivered nothing but a smug look in the corner, and contributed nothing to the team.
I'm already overlong here, but let's just analyse that statement, shall we?
1) How does Jenny Celery know what Sara did or did not do for the vast part of the day at which they were working in entirely separate locations?
2) To say that Sara contributed no ideas is an untruth. Her religious cards idea was good but not in keeping with the task. Her attempts at conveying her ideas for pet-related cards were ignored, as were any other ideas she may have had.
3) What precisely did Alex do, if not sit there looking smug and doing as little work as possible? [as ever - Rad]
Myleene plays for Alpha. The Best Salesperson in Europe bobs her head to the music, which is kind of adorkable.
Boardroom 2: Electric Boogaloo. NotFrances sends the candidates in to see Sralan. Sralan repeats that he does not see the point of sending these cards, and tells Kevin that they went off on a misguided environmental crusade. He asks for the prime innovator of the eco-card, and Jenny Celery admits it was her. Sralan says that the last thing an eco-conscious person would do is buy a pointless card, and Kevin disagrees. Kevin says they were not trying to preach (lie) and Sralan rightly calls bullshit on this.
According to Sralan, better card ideas for today would be bereavement cards like, and I quote, "sorry to hear that your eleven-year-old beautiful child got shot in the head by a hoodie" or "sorry to hear that your loving husband with two children got kicked to a pulp". Well, if he will insist on living in Hackney. Sralan says that Clinton Cards thought the pitch was dreadful, that Kevin was cocky, preachy and arrogant. He asks if anyone else volunteered, and Claire and Jenny Celery raise their hands. The ever-reliable Margaret says it's a good idea that Jenny Celery did not do it, because she admitted in a meeting that she tries not to buy cards in order to be eco-friendly. Sralan is all, "bitch said what?" Jenny Celery says that the concept fulfils a hole in the market if pitched correctly. Sralan: *facepalm*.
Sralan reminds Kevin that Claire is a retail buyer, and that a good manager knows when to step back and let an expert use their own skills. Kevin says that when he tried to prepare the pitch at 3pm, he asked Claire to take over. Sralan correctly identifies this as Kevin having bottled it, though Kevin denies this. Claire explains that Kevin claimed to have known what he was doing, and that she tried to help out. Margaret points out that Claire tried to push Jenny Celery up to do the presentation instead.
This is Jenny Celery's moment to pounce on Sara, claiming that Sara did nothing on the first day (lie) and that while they at least tried to deliver success, Sara wasn't even a part of that. Frankly, I would've thought that "Sara contributed nothing to this wretched and flawed idea" is a ringing recommendation for Sara, but I doubt Jenny Celery sees it that way. Sara says that every time she tried to put an idea across, Jenny Celery attacked her. "That is absolute rubbish!" Jenny Celery says, attacking Sara. Jenny Celery asks Alex for support, and Alex, lazy fucking weasel that he is, tries to support Jenny Celery's view of events, but thankfully Sara, for once in her life, refuses to be shouted down and tells him to shut up and let her finish. Sara asks Kevin to back up her assertion that they worked very hard together designing the cards. Sralan says that he's old and wise enough to know when people are ganging up on somebody, which at least makes him smarter than Donald Trump, so he's going to discount 75% of what he heard. Sralan asks Claire who should be fired, and Claire says Sara, which is pretty snakey of her considering how hard she was gunning for Jenny Celery earlier. Kevin also names Sara as the one he would fire, because he has not one single lone thought that was not placed in his head by someone else. Sralan asks Kevin who he will bring back into the boardroom, and Kevin says Sara and Claire, thereby setting up his own firing. Excellent work there, Kev [he really was one of the most muppetlike contestants this year. How did he get as far as this? - Rad].
Sralan deliberates with Nick and Margaret while the three candidates wait outside. Sralan says Kevin is "not mature enough", while Claire should've taken over the pitch. He calls NotFrances to send them back in. Sralan asks Kevin what Claire is doing there. Kevin whimpers that Claire has commercial experience, which he lacks, and he feels that with her experience she could've recognised their product wasn't marketable. Sralan rightly points out that it was Jenny Celery's idea, and it would've made more sense to bring in Jenny Celery rather than Claire. Sralan asks Claire why she didn't step up and take over the task, and he doesn't understand why so much blame has been placed with Sara. Claire says that on the past three tasks, Sara has said afterwards that she had a great idea that wasn't listened to. Interesting. Sara is pretty efficient here though, asking Claire if she genuinely believes that the reason they lost is not because they had an utterly unmarketable product, or that they pitched poorly, but because Sara was allegedly not working hard enough at a point when Claire was not even present to witness it. Advantage Sara. Sralan asks Kevin why they failed, and Kevin admits it was the product, and is thus asked why Sara has been brought back in. Kevin parrots back a version of Claire's earlier answer.
Sralan asks Claire why they failed, and Claire says it was the product. Sralan asks her why, then, Jenny Celery is not at the final table. Claire: "I've got no idea. Kevin?" Hee. Kevin says that Jenny Celery worked very hard and very creatively, and Sralan says that she did so on a poor idea, and he suspects that she ran the task, which Kevin hotly denies. Kevin lies that he had complete control. Sralan asks Kevin to explain why he should not be fired. Kevin whines that Sralan will not find a more loyal, hardworking employee than him. Bitch, that reason didn't work for Simon so it sure as hell isn't going to work for you. Sralan expresses concern that all Sara does is moan. He tells Claire that they've had their run-ins, but he thinks she's learning from her experiences. And finally, he tells Kevin that the task was a fiasco, and fires him. Hooray! He sends Sara and Claire back to the house.
Kevin leaves. Coatwatch: a long, fairly dull black number with a round collar. It's not a patch on Lindi's coat last week. In the cab, Kevin says that he's angry that people are still in the house who should not be there, and he truly believes that Sara should've been fired.
Back at the house, Lee wonders who's coming back. Nervously, The Best Salesperson in Europe says that she would've fired Kevin. Jenny Celery's neck snaps around ninety degrees. "And not Sara?" she screeches. HO, SIT DOWN. The boardroom is over. Your muckracking has no place here. Sara arrives back and someone screams "told ya!" Lucinda gives Sara a hug, though her reception is lukewarm at best. I'm guessing Sara is not well-liked. Claire reappears and says that Kevin talked himself into his firing. Michael Sophocles says that Kevin should in no way have been fired this week. Bitch, you were ON THE OTHER TEAM. What the fuck do you know about it? Lee, who had previously seemed like a decent bloke, and who stood up for Lucinda last week when no one else would, suddenly flips: "If I'm project manager next week, and I've got to manage people like Sara, I don't know what I'm managing. If four people out of five thought you didn't contribute, why are you sitting on that sofa?" [I am no longer impressed with Lee - Fiona] Yes indeed, what possible reason could four people have to gang up against someone on a competitive reality show with a substantial cash reward for the winner? Sara says that it was a team effort, and that she contributed to the market research, and Lee interrupts: "The facts are this (sic): if you don't perform, you're out. Simple as that. And if you don't step up to the mark, you're going to the boardroom. Simple as that. End of story." I suspect the last story Lee McQueen got to the end of may have been one from the Janet and John series. Anyway, he's obviously got a nasty streak to him. Alex tries to pile on too, but Raef defends Sara, saying that Sralan has made a decision and there's nothing to be gained from grilling Sara. Alex falls back on the "but it's my opinion" argument, so beloved of the arrogant and wrong the world over.
"Did Sara's lack of contribution mean you failed the task? No it didn't," says Claire. This riles Jenny Celery: "Oh, so in future I'll take the easy option that will guarantee I can not work as a team member?" Well, if it means you won't be offering any more dipshit suggestions in future projects, I would say that's an excellent approach. We fade out on the candidates all arguing, and that was a deeply unpleasant way to end an otherwise highly enjoyable episode.
Next week: bartering in Marrakech [an opportunity for Michael Sophocles' ace negotiaon skillz to shine once again - Rad]!
Original airdate: 30 April 2008
Previously: the teams had to make ice-cream and sell it. Lucinda's team started well, but Claire's team got a highly valuable last-minute deal to scoop the victory. Lucinda claimed in the boardroom that Helene called The Best Salesperson in Europe "evil", which Helene denied, and Princess Lindi was fired, taking her awesome coat and weave with her.
6.30am. Darkness. The phone rings, and a sleepy Lee McQueen stumbles downstairs to answer it. Sleep attire update: sleeveless t-shirt and long pyjama bottoms. I deem this acceptable. Lucinda, to no one's surprise, apparently sleeps in a giant billowing nightgown of the type last seen sported by the Pevensie children as they disappeared through the wardrobe heading for Narnia. The Disembodied Voice of NotFrances tells them that Sralan wants to meet them at Hackney Town Hall, and the car will be there in half an hour. That is one of many reasons why I would fail hugely on this programme; it takes me at least three times as long as that to get ready in the morning. Lee thanks NotFrances politely. Upstairs Alex (I think) claims to have been awake for an hour and a half, "waiting for that bastard phone to ring", as Kevin puts it.
BeretWatch: Raspberry. Lucinda leads the team into their car. Voiceover Mark tells us that Sralan's roots are in Hackney; he was born and brought up there, and it was the place where he founded his business empire. Before it got moved to Brentford, but we're not supposed to talk about that, so shhhhh. He joins Nick and Margaret to face the teams. Sara is wearing a rather fetching mustard-coloured jacket. Sralan tells the teams that his birth and marriage were registered in Hackney, and if his blood pressure rises any further in the boardroom, his death will be registered there too. The candidates all smile politely, because if there is one skill at which they have all exceeded expectations, it's corporate toadying. The awkward segue here is that births, marriages and deaths are usually followed up by greetings cards. (Does anyone send marriage cards? Engagement cards, yes, anniversary cards, yes, and you buy a present for the the wedding, but I've never sent a "you got married!" card in my life.) [I always send wedding cards, Steve, and very rarely engagement ones. Who is right? There's on ly one way to tell.... FIIIIGHT - Rad] The task, then, is to come up with a special occasion and make a range of five cards covering that occasion. Once they've done that, they'll be pitching to three of Britain's biggest greetings card retailers. One team will win, the others will lose, and one member of the latter team will be fired.
Sralan calls on Michael Sophocles, and says he needs to get to know him better. From what I've seen of Michael Sophocles, I wouldn't advise it. Sralan tells Michael he will be team leader of Alpha, so Michael sidles over to the Alpha team. Kevin will be the Renaissance team leader. And truly, if there were ever a more fitting meeting of the non-minds than between Kevin and Michael Sophocles, I've not witnessed it. The teams are dismissed, and get into their cars and leave Hackney, thereby showing us that there really was no reason for them to have been there in the first place. That discussion could've been had in Hanwell, or Hillingdon, or Barnet, or Ashby-de-la-Zouch, and it wouldn't have made any difference. Though I'm sure Hackney Council were glad their borough got shown looking clean and sparkly on a nice sunny day, which really doesn't meld with my experience of Hackney at all, but let's move on.
Michael Sophocles is looking forward to working with new people, and is expecting open-mindedness from everyone, he says. He adds that lateral thinking is imperative. There are murmurs of assent, so I can only assume that what he said is apparently not total bollocks if you're from a business background. We're treated to an obviously pre-show VT of Michael saying he'd screw over anyone to win, because he, like everyone else on this show [Except Nick and Margaret, obviously - Rad], is an ass.
In the Renaissance Car, Sara thinks this will be an exciting task, because they have lots of creative people. Alex is wearing a lovely overcoat, but is still an utter tosser - you can tell by the way he's pursing his lips that he's already wondering who to finger to be fired in the event that they lose. Kevin says he couldn't be happier with his team, and another pre-show VT from Kevin shows him claiming that as a leader he inspires devotion, that people want to work for him because he makes their lives inspirational. This was where I texted my boyfriend and informed him that less than 10 minutes into the programme, Kevin was already inspiring serious lulz. Kevin goes on (and on and Ariston) to say that he had his first house by the age of 20, and a second house and a Porsche by 23, and now he wants a Ferrari. Do you want to make the obvious "penis extension" comment here, or shall I? [Can I just call him a total dick instead? - Fiona] He wants to be the most successful businessman the world has ever seen by the age of 40. I'm sure Bill Gates is terrified right now.
Alpha arrives at Hallmark's London studio, and have one day to invent a new occasion for their cards. The Best Salesperson in Europe suggests National Joke Day. Michael Sophocles thinks Cosmetic Surgery cards are the order of the day, though I assume he does not mean by implication that there should be a national day where everyone should have cosmetic surgery - he's just an idiot. Raef makes the bizarre point that women are happy to tell people they've had a boob job, but "more intimate" surgery like nose jobs is not the sort of thing you blab about. Oooookay. Michael Sophocles clarifies that this is aimed purely at the families of those who have had surgery. Proving that there is too such a thing as a suggestion you should keep to yourself, the flipchart (drink!) behind him says, brilliantly, "7. Aliens". Happy Aliens Day!
Renaissance. Jenny Celery suggests a Prom Day card, before suggesting an Environment card. Because really, what says "I AM ECOLOGICALLY AWARE" better than mass-manufacturing paper products that serve little to no purpose? Seriously, I know several people who do not buy cards any more because they're a waste of resources (either that or they're just tight), and I judge every single member of this team for not pointing out there and then what an absolutely fucking moronic idea that was. Sara suggests a religious theme like Eid cards, which she's had trouble getting hold of in the past, which is no doubt an excellent niche market to tap into, but is still not an event that they have created. Claire interrupts and asks Jenny Celery for more detail on the environmental cards. Jenny Celery's chin is fucking huge here, by the way. Jenny Celery elaborates on a possible Save the Planet day (because it can totally be done in 24 hours, with the power of a greetings card!) and Kevin adds that supermarkets are big on the eco-conscious theme nowadays. The supermarkets in Guildford where he shops, no doubt. Alex chew his pen. Kevin checks that everyone knows what they've been assigned, and they set off to "nail Alpha to the floor".
Voiceover Mark tells us about the pitches they will be making tomorrow: one is to the Celebrations group, with 288 stores across the country; one to Tesco; and one to market leader Clinton Cards. I have to quote this next piece of word vomit from Jenny Celery verbatim, because it's hilarious: "I would send a card to as many friends as possible to say look, start doing something about the huge impact that we're having on our environment. We're destroying the world with our actions. Let's take some action to counteract that." I bet her friends, assuming she has any, would love that. Incidentally, throughout this monologue Sara is busy looking through a dossier and taking notes, while Alex is staring off into space and pulling faces. This will be important later. Sara says they need to target the largest market possible, which causes Jenny Celery to snip that she's not going to target the smallest market, is she? Wow, professional! Sara tries to explain that she thinks pets might be a good idea, and Jenny Celery talks over her about how they need more than one idea, and basically does not let Sara get a word in edgeways. Alex continues to pull faces and stare into space (while wearing his lovely overcoat). All of this: important later. Sara complainterviews that her ideas are not being heard, which makes her think they must be rubbish, but when she brings them up again later, people want to know why she didn't say anything sooner. Because they're assholes, Sara - surely you can see that?
Sara, Jenny Celery, and Alex (whose coat does not look nearly as lovely from behind, and kind of makes him look like a monochrome Carmen Sandiego minus the hat) go to Clintons for product research. We see shots of cards "from the cat" and offering "diet congratulations", which confirms my belief that the greetings card industry is essentially pure evil. Jenny Celery asks a member of staff if they have any cards about losing weight or best friends, which they do, but that they don't have any support the environment cards. The employee does not add "because that would be utterly counterproductive, you total cretin", but you know she's thinking it. Outside, Jenny Celery interviews that the environment cards are "coming out on top", looking very pleased with herself, not that she doesn't usually.
Kevin agrees to go with environment cards, and is in the car with Claire on their way somewhere. He rhapsodises about how they can change the world, but only if the major retailers back them, so people can go out, buy a card, read some facts, and make a difference. Hopefully by vowing not to buy any more unnecessary cards. Interview Claire compares Kevin to a pitbull terrier, saying that he bites quickly and is arrogant, before adding that a lot of people in the house think he's got short-man syndrome, which is AWESOME and makes me love her [Claire is growing on me a lot, too - Rad]. Back in the car, Kevin tells Claire that pitching is what
Alpha team, consisting of Lee, Helene and Michael Sophocles, are also in a branch of Clinton's doing research. Michael Sophocles suggests they ask some people, so they go to the nearest pub and grab two drunk guys. Kidding! In a nearby shop (Card Fair, maybe?), Raef phones Michael Sophocles with an idea: how about a Singles Day for those who cannot celebrate Valentine's Day? This goes down well with Lee and Helene.
Lee and Michael Sophocles do research on the streets with actual real people this time. Michael Sophocles is embarrassingly overbearing, as usual. A group of young girls like the idea of a Singles Day, and suggest it should be the day before Valentine's Day. Team Alpha heads back to the studio to work on their Singles Day concept. Michael asks for a volunteer to do the pitch, since he's used to doing presentations over the phone rather than in person. In other words, he's one of those assholes who cold-calls you and tries to sell you broadband or something else you either already have or do not want. Ass. Everyone volunteers to do the pitch, and Michael Sophocles selects Raef to do it. Another pre-show VT, this time that one we've all seen before of Raef referring to the spoken word as his "tool". Fnar.
Renaissance head home to brainstorm designs for their cards. Kevin asks if anyone was good at poetry at school. Judging by his effort of "a house with no insulation / Is a crime against the nation / Don't be a cheat / Keep in the heat / And protect our next generation", Alex obviously was not. He looks ever so pleased with himself nonetheless.
Jenny Celery interviews that she's delighted the team is so passionate about her environmental idea. Emphasis on the "mental", no doubt. She claims to have talked Kevin into downsizing his Porsche for a bicycle. Don't do it, Kevin! Otherwise we'll have to add Boris Johnson to the long list of people you're likely to get mistaken for! Kevin brings up the subject of the pitch, and asks the others how confident they are that they could do it well. Claire says she'd be very confident, that she deals with pitches every day in her line of work and it doesn't faze her at all. Sara thinks on this occasion Jenny Celery or Claire would be the best person for the pitch. Jenny Celery is "hugely passionate about the project" and has a strong sales background. Kevin is "150% confident" (drink!) that he can go in there and nail the pitch, and decides that he should do it. Well, that's democratic. He thinks they should work together on what to go into the pitch, and then he can put his own personality into it. Sara looks a tad doubtful, perhaps because she alone has realised that Kevin's personality smells like rancid toxic ass. Interview Kevin brings on the hubris by saying that he's confident he can win an argument with Sralan Sugar about the environment, and that anybody who doesn't think the environment is worth saving is going to lose. Kevin has made many mistakes this week, but I think his utter failure to differentiate between "people who don't want to save the planet" and "people who consider this particular business venture to be unsustainable, hypocritical and massively flawed" is probably the most parlous one.
Raef is in bed, practicing his pitch to Lee and Michael Sophocles. Lee is very impressed with Raef's belief in his product. [I am very impressed with Lee - Fiona]
7.30am, the next day. The teams are off to shoot pictures and design their cards. They must be ready to pitch by 6pm. Kevin and Sara go to the design studio, where the chap in charge assumes Kevin's name is Alex. Heh. (This presumably implies that Alex made some kind of confirmation call to the design studio, which makes a sum total of two constructive things he has done on this task, assuming we can give him credit for the assy poetry.) The rest of Team Renaissance are at the photo shoot, with Jenny Celery and Alex trying to coerce a boy on a tricycle who looks like a MiniPops version of Chad from High School Musical [and also: that Ashleu/Sideshow Bob character from The X Factor the other year - Rad] to smile. MiniChad cries. [So would I if I had the child catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (Jenny Celerie) gurning at me - Fiona] I'm not necessarily sure the two things were directly related, but it's funny, so I'll let it go. Jenny Celery fashions a skirt out of bin bags. It's pretty good, actually.
At 12.15pm, professional model Tom arrives. Not wishing to be unkind, but Tom is kind of ugly for a professional model. I know that Miss Tyra taught me that models are often not conventionally pretty, but he's kind of pale and scrawny and just not what I'd picture a male model to look like. Though it becomes clear soon after that he has not been hired for his face, but for his ass. Tom will be wearing a kilt, which will be blown up with a fan, which per Jenny Celery "will produce a serious message about people utilising wind power to use global warming". If she didn't exist, you'd have to invent her. Tom does a practice with his pants on, then Jenny Celery offers him a thong. Claire clarifies it's a women's thong. Hee. Tom, who's clearly a good sport, wears the thong. I hope he also remembers to -~SmiLe wiT HiS EyeZ~-. Back at the studio, Sara laughs at the picture and says it looks like Kevin, first of all, then she decides it looks like a woman. Hee.
Margaret finally interviews what every sentient viewer has been thinking: that it's very strange to send a card to promote environmental issues when it will be made out of paper and require an envelope and other such waste products. She also expresses concern that the card will contain "some sort of sermon", which she thinks is not what people want. Sara asks Kevin what he thinks of the card. Kevin says nothing.
Over on Team Alpha, Michael Sophocles is supervising the design and has sent Lucinda, Helene and The Best Salesperson in Europe to co-ordinate the shoot. Because that's not a recipe for disaster or anything. True to form, Michael Sophocles has not officially delegated responsibility to anyone. Oh dear. Lucinda says they need to discuss it between the three of them there, presumably to avoid any confusion between them and three completely separate people elsewhere. "No one's telling you what to do," Helene non-sequiturs. Essentially what this boils down to is a passive-aggressive argument between Helene and Lucinda with each deliberately pushing the other's buttons, and The Best Salesperson in Europe sat in the middle wishing she were anywhere else right now. Arriving at the studio, Helene wants to direct because she had a lot of the ideas. Helene interviews that Lucinda is always looking for an argument and trying to court sympathy. She's pretty on the money there, but Helene really hasn't behaved that much better either. Models arrive, and it has been decided that The Best Salesperson in Europe and Helene will direct the shoot, while Lucinda takes charge of the props. The first photo is for a card aimed at single mums.
At the studio, Michael Sophocles is working with Lee on the layout, but has a problem about the location of the apostrophe in "National Singles Day", if there is one. So he rings the Telegraph and asks for the editing department. Seriously. He then bitches that they're taking too long, and phones the British Library. A chatty-sounding woman says that it's a difficult one, and that she can check and ring him back, while the ever-charming Michael Sophocles rolls his eyes and make finger-gun gestures under his chin. ASS. They get a whole selection of conflicting answers, much to Raef's amusement.
Team Renaissance have done their pictures and are heading back to the studio. Claire thinks Kevin should have his pitch ready by now, since they've been working so hard, and hopes that he isn't going to drone on. Voiceover Mark informs us that the pitch is in two and a half hours. In the car, Claire thinks Jenny Celery should be doing the pitch, not Kevin. Alex says that he voiced that to Kevin last night, which my Alex-English dictionary translates as "KEVIN SHOULD BE FIRED SHOULD THIS GO DOWN THE SHITTER. NOT I."
They arrive back at the studio, and Kevin hands them the inside of the card to look over. Claire questions the italics, and Kevin tells her the font decision has been made, so Claire asks why he bothered to ask for her opinion in the first place. Point to Claire. Kevin sends Jenny Celery, Claire and Alex off to start work on the pitch while he and Sara finish off. Claire says that Kevin is stressed.
Over on Alpha, they've been arguing about the apostrophe for three-and-a-half hours, so Michael makes an executive decision to put the apostrophe after the s so they can get on and print. Back at Renaissance, Kevin puts his pitch together with a lot of help from Claire, who babies him through it. It becomes increasingly apparent that Kevin may have two houses and a Porsche, but he lacks a clue. Kevin realises he's fucked, and suggests Claire should do the pitch. Claire thinks that Jenny Celery should do the pitch. Jenny Celery and her chin are amused that it has come back to her at this late stage in the game. She says she wanted to do it yesterday, but is not prepared to do it at two hours' notice. She interviews that she was not willing to accept responsibility for Kevin's failings. Nor indeed her own, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
Pitching time! Alpha arrive at Clinton Cards HQ, and Raef pitches their Singles' Day idea. The cards look fairly good, but Male Clinton Executive questions the timing of the event, saying that they will have turned 40% of the store over to Valentine's Day in the run-up to the day itself, and he would be reluctant to have this fighting for space with one of their major seasons. They then head to Tesco, which is apparently No.2 in the greetings card industry, a fact that makes my soul die a little. I bet it kills them that they're not No.1, as well. Raef opens by bragging that they've just come back from a very positive meeting with the market leader, and I still haven't decided if that's a brilliant strategy or an appalling one, so I shall just keep going. Mr Tesco doesn't think people want to celebrate being single the day before Valentine's Day. Lee says that many single people despise Valentine's Day and they want to tap into that market and encourage them to be proud of their singledom. "Right. Who's going to send the card?" asks Mr Tesco. Silence.
Outside, the team discuss the issue with the date. Michael Sophocles and The Best Salesperson in Europe think the date is scuppering their pitch, while Raef thinks that to do so would be to undermine the whole thing. Michael Sophocles decides to remove the date from the pitch. They head to the Celebrations Group. Ms Celebrations asks when National Singles Day would be, and Raef flounders around being "open to suggestion", which she correctly reads as them not knowing. Lee interjects that they want to make sure logistically it's viable for the retailers, which is a very shrewd move at this point. Michael Sophocles smarms that he has single parent friends he would love to send that card to, because they're "a forgotten part of society". Really? Okay.
Team Renaissance pitch. Kevin tells Alex that the concept is so strong, he'd really have to balls this up for it not to sell itself. Well, he got 50% of that statement right. They go to Clinton's first, and Kevin opens by quoting statistics, which instantly puts me in mind of Nargis and the cat calendar and this was when I knew with absolute certainty that Renaissance would lose. Kevin's pitch is stilted and kind of angry. Female Clinton's Executive asks him who his target consumer is, and Kevin starts rattling off some nonsense about the diverse audience of the Live 8 concerts, who were totally there because they loved the planet and not because they wanted to see Madonna for free. Male Clinton's Executive makes this point too, and asks Kevin what the motivation is to go into the shop and buy this card. Kevin says their market is everyone. Jenny Celery opens her mouth wide and sticks her foot right in it by saying that she has cut down hugely on the number of cards she buys because she's aware of the environmental impact that they have. That's her entire point, in case you were wondering. And she still doesn't realise why this product is horribly, fatally flawed. Moron. Female Clinton's Executive asks if they really think that card will make somebody smile, and in fairness, it would make me smile because I would know that it was what got Kevin fired (oops, spoiler), but I see her point.
Oh, and this is where it gets awesome. Kevin: "If you don't put your weight behind it, then it's just the same as the US saying we don't care about pollution." OH YES HE DID. In the lady car, Claire derides Kevin's lack of presentation and wonders if they might've found him just a teensy bit angry, while in the man car, Kevin says to Alex that he doesn't have any concerns about the product, and that if Clinton's don't want to support it, they are an environmentally unfriendly company. Alex smiles to himself, safe in the knowledge that he can sit back and let Kevin get himself fired. "If that's the attitude everyone takes, then we're not going to be able to save any planet," mourns Kevin. Yep. You're certainly not going to save Uranus. (No, I'm not above that joke.)
At the Celebrations group, their buyer asks if an eco-conscious person wouldn't be more likely to send an e-card. Kevin thinks they wouldn't, because the point of this card is to be educational. Which apparently an e-card cannot achieve. He throws out some more statistics. The Celebrations Buyer thinks the message is good, but doesn't believe a card is the most appropriate medium. So Kevin suggests balloons, which totally won't pop over the sea and choke the fish and seagulls or anything. Outside, Claire advises Kevin to tone down the aggression in his pitch. I like that she at least has the decency to tell him that. Kevin goes in to pitch to Tesco, and their buyer doesn't seem to have any great objections that we see. Kevin calls for a Team Renaissance hug, though why he'd want to give the likes of Alex and Jenny Celery any more of an opportunity to stab him in the back is a mystery to me.
Boardroom. Sralan asks Michael Sophocles about his idea. Sralan asks who sends the Singles Day cards. The Best Salesperson in Europe says that you could buy a card for your friend or your sister at the same time as you're buying a Valentine's card for a loved one. Sralan makes the point as a retailer that he wouldn't want it jostling for space at one of his busiest times, and asks Michael Sophocles if he would reconsider the idea. Michael Sophocles does not recognise a leading question when he hears one, so he says no. Sralan asks for feedback on Michael Sophocles's leadership. Lee says he was good. Sralan asks for Nick's feedback, and Nick says that he did well, but brings up the four hour apostrophe catastrophe. Margaret laughs. Nick facetiously mentions the involvement of the editor of the Daily Telegraph. Michael Sophocles starts to roll his eyes, and Sralan tells him not to be so impatient because he's asking him a question. Michael Sophocles says that it was three hours, not four, somewhat impertinently. He is going to get such a smackdown later, you mark my words.
Sralan turns to Kevin. Sralan looks up scornfully at the idea of a Love Your Planet week, saying that cards are for personal sentiment, not political rhetoric. He asks who did the pitch, and when Kevin says that he did it, Sralan asks if the team thought he was the best man for the job. Claire says no, that she thought she or Jenny should have done it. Sralan remembers that Claire is a retail buyer by trade. Claire says that Kevin was determined to do the pitch himself.
Results. Tesco first of all: they bought 6000 cards from Renaissance, but only 1500 from Alpha. Clinton's didn't buy any cards from Renaissance, and another 1500 from Alpha. Celebrations didn't buy any cards from Renaissance either, and bought 19,500 from Alpha. Seriously. That there is one ass-whoopin', served up steamin'. Michael Sophocles screams (literally screams, I tell you) "COME ON! COME ON!!" and thumps the desk in triumph, looking like a murderous toddler. Margaret's look of horror is truly priceless [Although not as priceless as Nick's revelation on You're Fired that he and Margaret were texting about this on their way home. Also awesome on YF - Jenny Celery and Claire laughing when they found Little Britain cards with Matt Lucas on in the shops - Rad]. Sralan chides him for his outburst, which he says was like something you'd hear at a football match. Alpha's reward is a private recital from Myleene Klass. That is so fucking lame [I know! They could at least have got Barrowman to sing as well - Rad]. Alpha leave.
Sralan tells Renaissance that he could tell from the get-go that their idea was no idea, and that two leading specialist retailers agreed with him. They head off to Loser Café for the deconstruction. Kevin proves he has learnt nothing by saying that the concept is still strong, it's just not marketable. Claire thinks the first and second pitches were unclear. Jenny Celery, now acutely aware that she is royally in the shit, seizes upon the person she perceives to be the weakest: Sara. She tells the others that Sara contributed no ideas. Sara points out that any attempt she made to contribute ideas were shouted down and ignored by Jenny Celery. In an interview, Jenny Celery says that Sara delivered nothing but a smug look in the corner, and contributed nothing to the team.
I'm already overlong here, but let's just analyse that statement, shall we?
1) How does Jenny Celery know what Sara did or did not do for the vast part of the day at which they were working in entirely separate locations?
2) To say that Sara contributed no ideas is an untruth. Her religious cards idea was good but not in keeping with the task. Her attempts at conveying her ideas for pet-related cards were ignored, as were any other ideas she may have had.
3) What precisely did Alex do, if not sit there looking smug and doing as little work as possible? [as ever - Rad]
Myleene plays for Alpha. The Best Salesperson in Europe bobs her head to the music, which is kind of adorkable.
Boardroom 2: Electric Boogaloo. NotFrances sends the candidates in to see Sralan. Sralan repeats that he does not see the point of sending these cards, and tells Kevin that they went off on a misguided environmental crusade. He asks for the prime innovator of the eco-card, and Jenny Celery admits it was her. Sralan says that the last thing an eco-conscious person would do is buy a pointless card, and Kevin disagrees. Kevin says they were not trying to preach (lie) and Sralan rightly calls bullshit on this.
According to Sralan, better card ideas for today would be bereavement cards like, and I quote, "sorry to hear that your eleven-year-old beautiful child got shot in the head by a hoodie" or "sorry to hear that your loving husband with two children got kicked to a pulp". Well, if he will insist on living in Hackney. Sralan says that Clinton Cards thought the pitch was dreadful, that Kevin was cocky, preachy and arrogant. He asks if anyone else volunteered, and Claire and Jenny Celery raise their hands. The ever-reliable Margaret says it's a good idea that Jenny Celery did not do it, because she admitted in a meeting that she tries not to buy cards in order to be eco-friendly. Sralan is all, "bitch said what?" Jenny Celery says that the concept fulfils a hole in the market if pitched correctly. Sralan: *facepalm*.
Sralan reminds Kevin that Claire is a retail buyer, and that a good manager knows when to step back and let an expert use their own skills. Kevin says that when he tried to prepare the pitch at 3pm, he asked Claire to take over. Sralan correctly identifies this as Kevin having bottled it, though Kevin denies this. Claire explains that Kevin claimed to have known what he was doing, and that she tried to help out. Margaret points out that Claire tried to push Jenny Celery up to do the presentation instead.
This is Jenny Celery's moment to pounce on Sara, claiming that Sara did nothing on the first day (lie) and that while they at least tried to deliver success, Sara wasn't even a part of that. Frankly, I would've thought that "Sara contributed nothing to this wretched and flawed idea" is a ringing recommendation for Sara, but I doubt Jenny Celery sees it that way. Sara says that every time she tried to put an idea across, Jenny Celery attacked her. "That is absolute rubbish!" Jenny Celery says, attacking Sara. Jenny Celery asks Alex for support, and Alex, lazy fucking weasel that he is, tries to support Jenny Celery's view of events, but thankfully Sara, for once in her life, refuses to be shouted down and tells him to shut up and let her finish. Sara asks Kevin to back up her assertion that they worked very hard together designing the cards. Sralan says that he's old and wise enough to know when people are ganging up on somebody, which at least makes him smarter than Donald Trump, so he's going to discount 75% of what he heard. Sralan asks Claire who should be fired, and Claire says Sara, which is pretty snakey of her considering how hard she was gunning for Jenny Celery earlier. Kevin also names Sara as the one he would fire, because he has not one single lone thought that was not placed in his head by someone else. Sralan asks Kevin who he will bring back into the boardroom, and Kevin says Sara and Claire, thereby setting up his own firing. Excellent work there, Kev [he really was one of the most muppetlike contestants this year. How did he get as far as this? - Rad].
Sralan deliberates with Nick and Margaret while the three candidates wait outside. Sralan says Kevin is "not mature enough", while Claire should've taken over the pitch. He calls NotFrances to send them back in. Sralan asks Kevin what Claire is doing there. Kevin whimpers that Claire has commercial experience, which he lacks, and he feels that with her experience she could've recognised their product wasn't marketable. Sralan rightly points out that it was Jenny Celery's idea, and it would've made more sense to bring in Jenny Celery rather than Claire. Sralan asks Claire why she didn't step up and take over the task, and he doesn't understand why so much blame has been placed with Sara. Claire says that on the past three tasks, Sara has said afterwards that she had a great idea that wasn't listened to. Interesting. Sara is pretty efficient here though, asking Claire if she genuinely believes that the reason they lost is not because they had an utterly unmarketable product, or that they pitched poorly, but because Sara was allegedly not working hard enough at a point when Claire was not even present to witness it. Advantage Sara. Sralan asks Kevin why they failed, and Kevin admits it was the product, and is thus asked why Sara has been brought back in. Kevin parrots back a version of Claire's earlier answer.
Sralan asks Claire why they failed, and Claire says it was the product. Sralan asks her why, then, Jenny Celery is not at the final table. Claire: "I've got no idea. Kevin?" Hee. Kevin says that Jenny Celery worked very hard and very creatively, and Sralan says that she did so on a poor idea, and he suspects that she ran the task, which Kevin hotly denies. Kevin lies that he had complete control. Sralan asks Kevin to explain why he should not be fired. Kevin whines that Sralan will not find a more loyal, hardworking employee than him. Bitch, that reason didn't work for Simon so it sure as hell isn't going to work for you. Sralan expresses concern that all Sara does is moan. He tells Claire that they've had their run-ins, but he thinks she's learning from her experiences. And finally, he tells Kevin that the task was a fiasco, and fires him. Hooray! He sends Sara and Claire back to the house.
Kevin leaves. Coatwatch: a long, fairly dull black number with a round collar. It's not a patch on Lindi's coat last week. In the cab, Kevin says that he's angry that people are still in the house who should not be there, and he truly believes that Sara should've been fired.
Back at the house, Lee wonders who's coming back. Nervously, The Best Salesperson in Europe says that she would've fired Kevin. Jenny Celery's neck snaps around ninety degrees. "And not Sara?" she screeches. HO, SIT DOWN. The boardroom is over. Your muckracking has no place here. Sara arrives back and someone screams "told ya!" Lucinda gives Sara a hug, though her reception is lukewarm at best. I'm guessing Sara is not well-liked. Claire reappears and says that Kevin talked himself into his firing. Michael Sophocles says that Kevin should in no way have been fired this week. Bitch, you were ON THE OTHER TEAM. What the fuck do you know about it? Lee, who had previously seemed like a decent bloke, and who stood up for Lucinda last week when no one else would, suddenly flips: "If I'm project manager next week, and I've got to manage people like Sara, I don't know what I'm managing. If four people out of five thought you didn't contribute, why are you sitting on that sofa?" [I am no longer impressed with Lee - Fiona] Yes indeed, what possible reason could four people have to gang up against someone on a competitive reality show with a substantial cash reward for the winner? Sara says that it was a team effort, and that she contributed to the market research, and Lee interrupts: "The facts are this (sic): if you don't perform, you're out. Simple as that. And if you don't step up to the mark, you're going to the boardroom. Simple as that. End of story." I suspect the last story Lee McQueen got to the end of may have been one from the Janet and John series. Anyway, he's obviously got a nasty streak to him. Alex tries to pile on too, but Raef defends Sara, saying that Sralan has made a decision and there's nothing to be gained from grilling Sara. Alex falls back on the "but it's my opinion" argument, so beloved of the arrogant and wrong the world over.
"Did Sara's lack of contribution mean you failed the task? No it didn't," says Claire. This riles Jenny Celery: "Oh, so in future I'll take the easy option that will guarantee I can not work as a team member?" Well, if it means you won't be offering any more dipshit suggestions in future projects, I would say that's an excellent approach. We fade out on the candidates all arguing, and that was a deeply unpleasant way to end an otherwise highly enjoyable episode.
Next week: bartering in Marrakech [an opportunity for Michael Sophocles' ace negotiaon skillz to shine once again - Rad]!
Thursday, 24 April 2008
Ice, Ice, Baby
Episode five
Broadcast 23 April 2008
Last week, the teams took some photos in shopping centres. Helene’s team had a David Beckham lookalike but Lucinda couldn’t work the computer. Simon’s team set up a ‘glamour’ themed photo shot and ballsed it all up. Everyone started hating on each other, Simon was fired, and Joel recapped it all for you.
We open on the house, where Claire and Jenny chat. Jenny points out that it’s crazy Claire is PM again when five other people haven’t done it yet. Which, yes it is. Oh, hold on a minute, what’s that? Why it’s Sralan doing the obligatory mid-series turn up at the house and get the candidates out of bed routine. Claire goes up to get the others and says ‘Sralan's here, can you just put some PJs on or something’ which leaves me with a horrible mental image of candidates sleeping in the altogether. [Or indeed, sleeping all together. Ew. - Steve]
The candidates are all in the PJs, except Lucinda, who has a matching skirt and sweater, because she is ace in the wardrobe department. Sralan moves Matt Lucas to Renaissance. Claire is the Renaissance PM and Lucinda the PM for Alpha. He says she doesn’t think she’s good at sales or technology so he’s going to find what she is good at. Their task is to work with two ice cream firms that don’t work in London, to help develop several flavours to expand business into London, and the candidates need to go out and sell to trade. I would say this is potentially more interesting than the trade sales tasks in previous series. Anyway, you know the drill, the team that makes the most sales wins, on the other team someone’s ganna get fired.
Claire meets with her team and says to them to tell her if she gets overpowering. Nick winces, presumably he can see this isn’t going to go well. She says they need to think about flavours, and they must come up with a minimum of three. Jennie Celery suggests cocktails, such as pina colada. Claire interjects with vodka and coke: and really, so many jokes. Michael Sophocles says he’s just not sure a family will be going into the cinema to purchase a sex on the beach ice cream. Which is fair enough, so why not do Pina Colada and two other flavours?
Over at team Alpha, they are all about the health food angle: carrots, ginger, ginseng, gogi berries. Lee Mcqueen suggests ‘What about a nice cup of tea?’. I’m sure if tea ice-cream worked, someone would have made it by now, but it’s kind of cute. [It's kind of a brilliant idea all the same. I really wish they'd at least tried it. - Steve]
COUNTYSIDE PORN! For we are, lest we forget, in the country this week. Err, and some very twee music.
Claire and co in the cab. She says their tasting session is in the village hall behind the village pond. They laugh. Michael Sophocles jokes about there being a toothless crow with one arm there, and Claire adds that there will be someone with webbed feet. And seriously, I want them to get fired right now and for this to come back and haunt them. Renaissance are cunts. [It's particularly rich when they're on the same team as Kevin the Slack-Jawed Yokel. - Steve]
Voiceover man tells us we are at Bockingfold Farm in Kent, where Claire and team will represent farmer Alaistair. Look at him, he’s a sweet, kindly business man, with a look of the James from series one about him. I feel sorry for him already.
They have decided to make three ice-creams: berry mania (blueberry, strawberry, cherry), chocolate orange, cider and elderflower. Which: cocktails theme? Anyway, they all sound quite good, so fine.
Alistair tells them for chocolate orange they need to get fifty oranges and hand squeeze them – it’s laborious but gets the best flavour, and Claire says fine. Yes, fifty may be fine but what about when you have to make a large batch? Alistair then says to them that the secret is to be organised. Is this a portent of doom?
George Dawes, Sara and Alex are in the kitchen, cracking eggs into a funky little chute thing. Comedy music. Alex points out they have 1100 of them to get through. The voiceover tells us that Claire has taken ‘Jen’ and Michael to town. JEN? Where did that come from?
We are now at Downsview farm, East Sussex, with Alpha. And a moment, please, because THE BERET IS BACK. Maybe now all of Lucinda’s powers will be restored. They discuss flavours. They have already agreed on toffee apple and cosmopolitan. Lucinda suggests blue cheese and cranberry? There is a silence as everyone silently blees. The Best Salesperson in Europe suggests avocado. Lucinda goes a bit passive here when she says ‘I’m not an avocado fan but I’m not going to stop anyone else from putting that forward’. Anyway, avocado, toffee apple and cosmopolitan it is.
Princess Lindi has been made second in command, and sent to drum up business. They go to a local garage, where she says ‘I’ve come to bring you some good news (to you in David’s town this day is born a child…?). Oh there’s a local farm producing local ice cream (in a local shop for local people?) – and they have a free taste testing.' I was waiting for her to offer some kind of personalised service – spoon washing, perhaps - but sadly not. [24-hour spoon hotline! - Steve]
Alpha are in the kitchen. They have put avocado and chilli in ice-cream? Wrong show, surely, that sounds like the kind of MODERN! BRITISH! Food that will go to Glory at the Gherkin in Great British Menu. There is a lovely lady in the kitchen who seems up for a laugh. Lee smells an ice cream: perfection. Laughs and jollity ensue.
Unusually, Margaret gives a long piece to camera singing Lucinda’s praises and saying she has a nice manner and is doing well at managing her team.
Helene, Lee and the nice woman taste avocado ice cream and say it’s quite nice, and there is general bounciness all round.
Renaissance taste their berry ice cream, which is also nice, but Claire and her half are missing. Matt Lucas is concerned they are ‘almost gonna have to scrap the chocolate orange icecream’ (eh?). In an echo of the Renaissance poshos drink coffee scene from a couple of weeks ago, we see Claire and Michael Sophocles drinking cider.
Back with Alpha, and Raef is on the phone in a pub: ‘Hello, it’s Raef, I’m the CEO of Alpha luxury ice creams’. It’s half cringey, half LOL-worthy. Princess Lindi, The Best Salesperson in Europe and Raef are calling round people to get some potential custom. The Best Salesperson in Europe chats to a cinema guy who agrees to see them, saying to him ‘get ready to taste some of the best ice cream youse have ever had in your whole entire life’. He sounds unconvinced. Raef then businessprattles about one hit, that’s all you need, it just boosts you, its like a snowball effect in fact. The Best Salesperson in Europe says to camera ‘I’m very pleased with the independent cnemas, pyulral (sic) I managed to bag today. I’m very pleased with myself’. Anyone else think this is coming back to bite her later? The voiceover says that with six sales meetings secured, Lucinda’s sales team put down their phones and pick up their knves and forks. Dum dum durrrrr. Although, I know we are supposed to see this as a bit of self-congratulatory slacking off, but they do have to eat, right? Anyway, they all congratulate each other. It won't be for the last time.
Back with Renaissance, Clare’s team return with the oranges and stuff. They ask the kitchen team ‘shall we leave you to it?’ Alex and H from Steps bitch about it being a fucking joke. The voiceover informs us that no-one has been invited for the product tasting. Claire is shown in the car saying she doesn’t think a huge amount will happen around here, this might be the talk of the village, that there’ll be old ladies talking in the post office about it. And seriously, how patronising and offensive can you get?
They find the pond and village hall and decide to disturb a yoga class. I’m not convinced a yoga place is the best environment to find ice cream tasters, but whatevs. Michael Sophocles explains what they doing and asks if the villagers are around for a tasting at 8.30. They all say no, in unison. Heh, country web-footed, blind crowy yokels 1, Renaissance O.
Claire outside says ‘just think about it, they’re in their weekly yoga class in the village hall and in walks a random guy, asking them about ice cream’. Indeed, Claire.
In Lucinda’s kitchen, their ice-cream is finished. Lee McQueen tastes it and says ‘I’m telling you now that is a toffee apple (and when Lee McQueen tells you that’s a toffee apple, that’s a toffee apple). Helene laughs, and it’s all much jollier than last week.
Lee McQueen tells the lovely ice cream lady that they, no she, is gonna make millions. Awww.
Princess Lindi is in their local village hall , and in a primary school teacher fashion, explains what will happen and checks everyone has a spoon. She tells them ‘the thing you have just tasted is a cosmopolitan’. Woman 1: ‘I’m not sure. It tastes of nothing’. Princess Lindi: ‘so it’s a cocktail we’ve made into an ice cream’. Woman 2: ‘it tastes like mashed potato’. Seriously, villagers for the win.
The villagers are told they’ve just had avocado and a kid gag faces. A woman says it was actually quite tasty. People apparently like the toffee apple, too, so toffee and avocado go through. Princess Lindi saying she thinks they’ll have no problem making their sales and blowing the other team out of the water, it’s going to be a walk in the park, businesscliche, businesscliche.
The voiceover tells us that Claire’s team are still in the kitchen and are thirty minutes late for their tasting session. They arrive at their venue, where the lights are off and nobody’s home. Michael Sophocles tries his luck at the local pub. He collars two men and says ‘We really need some people with discerning palates who know about food to taste the ice creams’. Man 1 slurs: ‘do you think we are going to have discerning opinions after a couple of good bottles of wine?’ Absolute win. I LOVE THE VILLAGERS. MS: ‘well I think if you’ve got a good palate, you’ve got a good palate, no matter how you’ve had to drink. Look, I can see you're clearly busy…’ Clearly, they’re not, so this is just another case of Renaissance’s crack negotiators strike again. The man retorts back that yes, they are really busy (can he be The Apprentice, please?). They taste them anyway. In the car park. Seriously, the two drinking men from the pub are the only people tasting it. Nick is in the background making notes, presumably which say ‘ZOMG Alan employ the villagers instead of these numpties’.
Jenny Celerie asks ‘would your wife go for those?’ Man 2 says ‘I don’t have a wife but I think my sister in law would like them’. Man 2 says ‘my EX wife would like the first one’. Villagers approximately 8, 000, 000. Renaissance 0. And that, folks, was the sum total of Renaissance’s tasting session.
Alpha are at the house. Lucinda says she wants to mix up the teams, Princess Lindi with Helene and Lee, her with the others. The silence is so thick you could cut it with a knife. Lucinda says, ok that went down like a lead balloon. The Best Salesperson in Europe bitches that no-one liked it. Lucinda says 'oh well, we're all tired, lets go to bed'.
Drums of doom music, night to day London porn. [Though obviously London can never compare to Beautiful Cardiff. - Steve]
Alpha are all dressed up and full of pep, saying they have all great appointments, they’re a great team, come on let's do it etc. The two sub-teams remain as they were.
There is comedy bumbling music at the house as Claire holds a team meeting. The obligatory flipchart of business bullshit is out (drrrink). They apparently only have two concrete appointments. Alex bitches about how Claire and co had all day yesterday to make appointments, and they’d get fired if they were in telesales. [And Alex was doing...what? He bitched that he couldn't make the ice-cream because Claire hadn't come back with the oranges, so why didn't he use his downtime to make some sales calls off his own back? You are such a lazy fuck, Alex. - Steve]
Princess Lindi’s team are in an independent shop. They tell the owner the ice-cream is called avocadolicious. Its called what now? Lucinda and co go to their second appointment… at an ice cream parlour. Helene pitches. The owner points out they make their own ice cream. As they leave, Lucinda says it was a bit of a fuck up but let’s move on. Helene grumbles about the SALES TEAM OF AWESOME and says its not about quantity of appointments but quality. The car of overconfidence call Lucinda and say they got first order for a WHOLE 15 LITRES and give themselves big woohoos. Lucinda points out some of the stores they have been to have their own ice cream maker. Princess Lindi says we can still sell to them, Lucinda says if they not going to buy, they not going to buy, but you’re the sales team you know best. In car, The Best Salesperson in Europe asks Princess Lindi if she’s worried. Princess Lindi says she isn’t, she’s just pissed off about people telling her how to do things she knows how to do (which wasn’t the case, Lucinda was simply pointing out that half the leads were total crap). I sense she will be in danger of getting fiyud if Alpha end up in the boardroom.
Renaissance are going door to door. Daffyd and co go to a cinema. The names of their ice creams are: Veryberry and Ciderlicious (a bit better than Alpha’s effort). Vikki Pollard tells the man that says more people are drinking cider, its almost the new champagne, which I suppose is true for a school-girl like her, but isn’t really the case for anyone else. Anyway, the manager says he likes them, they are good, but all products have to go through head office because they are one of 18 cinemas. They arrange another meeting back at three. Alex says ‘we are potentially gonna secure a MASSIVE deal’.
Notting Hill: The salesteam of WE IZ WIN meet with another cinema in the same chain as Renaissance, only they meet with the chain’s manager and head buyer. The Best Salesperson in Europe is quite pushy, saying ‘if you buy today, which I’m sure you will, you will have the exclusive cinema rights on these.’ They decide to order 100 products. A cinema man calls Alex and tells him Alpha made the sale already. Alex gets stroppy. He goes back in and the manager says they can’t do it. Kenny Craig says it’s game over and totally looks like he’s going to cry. When they tell Claire about Alpha, her face is a mix of impressed and how dare they disgusted. She says it’s a shame, really bad news for them but they can’t do anything about it now.
Voiceover man tells us that Claire’s door to door strategy only sold 30 litres. Claire goes on about how they’ve got to be positive, keep momentum etc. Sara makes a good sale – I like Sara, I think she might win this whole show, you know. [Me too. She's doing the whole stealth competence thing quite well. - Steve] Alex says its about big deals not small ones: if you fail to prepare, you prepare to fail and that’s what Claire’s done. Anyone sense that if Renaissance lose, Claire and Alex will be having a boardroom bitch-off?
In an independent café type shop, a woman takes a small order. Nick says this is the perfect shop for them, and if they had one of these orders every hour they’d do well. Nick says he thinks they’re in trouble.
Lucinda and team go to specialist outlets, and piece about how the avocado ice-cream can be a starter or dessert (Great British Menu is soooo calling). Lee McQueen has fallen a little bit in love with Lucinda and says she has been brilliant: cool, calm, collected. She’s clearly a manager.
Princess Lindi is with the chief buyer of a chain of gastropubs. He asks for them to agree the prduct won’t go into other pubs for three months (so let's hope Lucinda et al haven’t sold to any pubs, eh?). They decide to do that. The man orders 130 litres. Princess Lindi says it was all so easy, and the TEAM OF TEH AWESOME SALEZ go on about how they are utterly amazing and haven’t a care in the world.
Bubbles DeVere and Alex finish some more deals off. Renaissance go to a final meeting at ‘a trendy bar and grill’. They make a deal for 200 litres, £800, which suddenly makes Alpha look a bit threatened for the only time all episode.
Back at the house, Alpha big themselves up in the kitchen to the others. They are all eating Muller yoghurt, not ice cream, which made me chuckle. Princess Lindi bitches to camera about how she was more of a PM than Lucinda. Claire says she feels a guillotine literally (drink!) inches away from her neck.
In the boardroom Sralan bigs himself up a bit by saying it was all about doing good deeds for farmers, which is almost as patronising as Renaissance’s village bitching, but anyway.
Over to Renaissance. Was Claire a good PM? Jenny and Damon Albarn say she was. I call lies. Sralan asks about their ice cream. Sara tells him about Veryberry being healthy. Sralan is all like: ice cream, healthy? Sara says that berries are full of antioxidants. SR: but all the fat…? Nick says they were trying to persuade mothers to give kids five helpings a day because of the five fruit and veg thing. Kristina and lollies to children springs to mind and why weren’t we shown this? Claire tells him about the cider one. He asks about their testing. Jenny Celery says they had fewer people than expected so got two guys from the pub who may have been slightly intoxicated. Sralan: ‘two drunks? I’m gonna have a flying guess at which one they liked?’ Heh. Sralan calls them on their uselessness.
We turn to Alpha. Their tasting went well. Helene and Lee say Lucinda was a good PM and Lee sings her praises some more. The Best Salesperson in Europe says that Lucinda’s been more positive but she wouldn’t say she was a great team leader. Princess Lindi bigs herself up, saying they managed to book six appointments. Margaret continues her four-series streak of being awesome by pointing out three of them made their own ice cream. Sralan chuckles and asks if they’d thought about that before. Raef babbles on about selling anyway, Sralan tells him he’d be wasting his bladdy time (drink!). Lucinda says she tried to mix up the teams, and Sralan says it was a good idea, he would do that himself. I think he is developing the Lucinda love. Has she been taking magic vag lessons off Swimbint from Hollyoaks? Lucinda says she got a very negative response and The Best Salesperson in Europe lies that she would have done whatever Lucinda wanted. So. Much. Haaaaate. [Oh, I don't doubt she would have done it, but she'd have moaned and whined and dragged her heels and done it as ineptly as possible on purpose, much like Claire and Alex did to Simon last week. - Steve]
Onto the numbers: Alpha, orders £1273.74. Renaissance: £1455.45. Seriously, what the fuck? They did not deserve that victory, and let’s hope they appreciate that.
Sralan says to them that it’s not just about sales, it’s about finding the farmer those new deals, its like gold dust to him. Claire cries. As well she might, she knows how lucky she’s been this week. I don’t share the Claire hate a lot of people out there do, but this week she should really have been fired. End of.
Their prize is a helicopter ride to learn archery and golf. What a shite prize. [I kept hoping someone was going to accidentally fire an arrow into Kevin, but to no avail. - Steve]
Sralan says that despite £1200 sales, Lucinda’s team lost (in other words, this is one of those weeks where both teams did quite well). He talks to Margaret and Nick and says they did some good for British farmers, and seriously, enough with the patronising already. Nick says Claire was a changed person after Sralan’s talk which: notsomuch.
In the café of crap, The Best Salesperson in Europe says she never bitched about the teams. Lucinda says it was the looks she was giving and some people in the team have a problem with her. Lee McQueen steps in and says there was no issue then we got in boardroom, now there’s an issue (Lee McQueen has become all awesome this episode. Lee McQueen and Sara for the final four, surely?) and bigs up his new TL4E some more. Helene pieces to camera that The Best Salesperson in Europe is a bitch, and Lucinda did really well. The Best Salesperson in Europe says she’s gutted as this was one of her best tasks, which is fair enough, as if I’d lost to the shower of shite that was Renaissance in this episode, I’d be pissed too.
In the boardroom of blue, Sralan says the key to the task was the leads, and asks what the marketing team were doing? Princess Lindi says they did their best, that admittedly some of the leads weren’t as god as they should have been, but they put their all in etc. Sralan calls her on her use of clichés. Lucinda says Helene managed an appointment through cold calling, despite being on the kitchen team [yeah ALEX - Steve], so why couldn’t the others? Helene says accountability needs to be with the sales force as the product was good. Sralan asks about the aborted team splitting up and Lucinda says The Best Salesperson in Europe was giving it all negative body language, and that Helene had expressed concerns about working with Jennifer. Helene turns and fake faces a ‘no I didn’t’, which is as bad a bit of boardroom turncoating as Alex last week. The ladies bitch a bit.
Margaret tells them off and brings up the cinema chain and them offering exclusivity without the chain asking for it. The Best Salesperson in Europe says she offered them it, she thought it was a good business deal. Sralan is incredulous: exclusivity for cinemas for the whole of London? On what basis would you do that? And he brings up the point of, you know, the farmer whose business this is. The Best Salesperson in Europe makes a bullshit excuse about them coping with the capacity, which Sralan pulls to pieces. Raef says they didn’t discuss exclusivity before going to the meeting and thinks Jennifer was just excited by doing the deal. The Best Salesperson in Europe then lands no longer BFF Princess Lindi in it about the pub deal. Princess Lindi says it was for three months and only for chains. Lucinda points out one of the other pubs they went to was a chain. Sralan says they no right offering any exclusivity whatsoever, they potentially lost the farmer business and had he known this earlier on, these sales would have been void.
Surprise surprise, Princess Lindi and The Best Salesperson in Europe are coming back in with Lucinda, and one of them IS GANNA GET FIYUD.
Sralan asks Lucinda if she used skills from her job, she said she did. He says ‘you’re in risk assessment, better start assessing the risk of you being fired’. Sralan says to Princess Lindi that she was put in charge of sales, and they lost on sales. She babbles on about nothing much before blaming The Best Salesperson in Europe on the exclusivity. He asks why she didn’t pipe up. She said she thought they may have lost customer. Sralan: ‘sometimes you have to, you cant give away the shop’. L: ‘I totally agree with you’. (Whatevs). [Seriously, the "why didn't you stop her?" bit was irrelevant. Once someone's put it on the table in a meeting, you can't overrule them like that because it makes you all look incompetent. Although they should have discussed things like this beforehand, and WINNAR OF SALES FOAR EUROPE should've known better than to offer it in the first place. - Steve]
The Best Salesperson in Europe and Princess Lindi bitch about each other and Lucinda looks there, looking a bit relieved. The Best Salesperson in Europe tells Sralan to ask any PM except Lucinda about her, she’s always given support. Nick says he’s always felt a chill in the air between her and the others. It’s not quite ‘lips for sin’, but a pretty good burn nonetheless.
Princess Lindi babbles at Sralan, he asks who should be fired, she babbles to get out of it and then says on this task Jennifer. The Best Salesperson in Europe butts in and says Lindi was complimenting her the whole task. They bitch at each other a bit.
Sralan talks to Lucinda: does he need a risk assessor? To The Best Salesperson in Europe: she screwed up big time, what she did was unforgiveable, she is cold with people, he doesn’t just need a sales person. But Princess Lindi was ultimately responsible, so Princess Lindi is fired.
He turns to The Best Salesperson in Europe and apparently she said on her application form that one of her weaknesses is giving idiots a second chance, well maybe it’s rubbed off on him because she has a second chance. Getting burned by both Nick and Sralan in quick succession is some going, it does not bode well for The Best Salesperson in Europe.
Back at the house, Alex thinks Lucinda is coming back, Raef thinks not, and most people seem to hate The Best Salesperson in Europe. They are all shocked at who returns.
Coat watch: a nice green belted thing. Good work, Princess Lindi.
In the house, Helene bitches about Lucinda calling her on her bitchiness, and seriously, I am really going off Helene now. [Also, The Best Salesperson in Europe repeated Sralan's line about the chill between her and the others, expecting a rebuttal only to be greeted with an appropriately frosty silence. It was awesome. - Steve]
Princess Lindi in the cab says that Sralan has not seen how special she is. Princess, why would you want some crappy job running one of his failing businesses like previous winners, when you should be sitting on a throne or something anyway?
That’s it for this week. Join us next week when our hapless anti-heroes have to create an event to sell greetings cards. One of the teams plumps for ‘singles day’ (as in being single, not 7”s, as the latter would be made of win, and this is a task clearly made of lose) and Jenny Celery makes a young boy cry. I call both teams doing badly, and someone getting fired.
Broadcast 23 April 2008
Last week, the teams took some photos in shopping centres. Helene’s team had a David Beckham lookalike but Lucinda couldn’t work the computer. Simon’s team set up a ‘glamour’ themed photo shot and ballsed it all up. Everyone started hating on each other, Simon was fired, and Joel recapped it all for you.
We open on the house, where Claire and Jenny chat. Jenny points out that it’s crazy Claire is PM again when five other people haven’t done it yet. Which, yes it is. Oh, hold on a minute, what’s that? Why it’s Sralan doing the obligatory mid-series turn up at the house and get the candidates out of bed routine. Claire goes up to get the others and says ‘Sralan's here, can you just put some PJs on or something’ which leaves me with a horrible mental image of candidates sleeping in the altogether. [Or indeed, sleeping all together. Ew. - Steve]
The candidates are all in the PJs, except Lucinda, who has a matching skirt and sweater, because she is ace in the wardrobe department. Sralan moves Matt Lucas to Renaissance. Claire is the Renaissance PM and Lucinda the PM for Alpha. He says she doesn’t think she’s good at sales or technology so he’s going to find what she is good at. Their task is to work with two ice cream firms that don’t work in London, to help develop several flavours to expand business into London, and the candidates need to go out and sell to trade. I would say this is potentially more interesting than the trade sales tasks in previous series. Anyway, you know the drill, the team that makes the most sales wins, on the other team someone’s ganna get fired.
Claire meets with her team and says to them to tell her if she gets overpowering. Nick winces, presumably he can see this isn’t going to go well. She says they need to think about flavours, and they must come up with a minimum of three. Jennie Celery suggests cocktails, such as pina colada. Claire interjects with vodka and coke: and really, so many jokes. Michael Sophocles says he’s just not sure a family will be going into the cinema to purchase a sex on the beach ice cream. Which is fair enough, so why not do Pina Colada and two other flavours?
Over at team Alpha, they are all about the health food angle: carrots, ginger, ginseng, gogi berries. Lee Mcqueen suggests ‘What about a nice cup of tea?’. I’m sure if tea ice-cream worked, someone would have made it by now, but it’s kind of cute. [It's kind of a brilliant idea all the same. I really wish they'd at least tried it. - Steve]
COUNTYSIDE PORN! For we are, lest we forget, in the country this week. Err, and some very twee music.
Claire and co in the cab. She says their tasting session is in the village hall behind the village pond. They laugh. Michael Sophocles jokes about there being a toothless crow with one arm there, and Claire adds that there will be someone with webbed feet. And seriously, I want them to get fired right now and for this to come back and haunt them. Renaissance are cunts. [It's particularly rich when they're on the same team as Kevin the Slack-Jawed Yokel. - Steve]
Voiceover man tells us we are at Bockingfold Farm in Kent, where Claire and team will represent farmer Alaistair. Look at him, he’s a sweet, kindly business man, with a look of the James from series one about him. I feel sorry for him already.
They have decided to make three ice-creams: berry mania (blueberry, strawberry, cherry), chocolate orange, cider and elderflower. Which: cocktails theme? Anyway, they all sound quite good, so fine.
Alistair tells them for chocolate orange they need to get fifty oranges and hand squeeze them – it’s laborious but gets the best flavour, and Claire says fine. Yes, fifty may be fine but what about when you have to make a large batch? Alistair then says to them that the secret is to be organised. Is this a portent of doom?
George Dawes, Sara and Alex are in the kitchen, cracking eggs into a funky little chute thing. Comedy music. Alex points out they have 1100 of them to get through. The voiceover tells us that Claire has taken ‘Jen’ and Michael to town. JEN? Where did that come from?
We are now at Downsview farm, East Sussex, with Alpha. And a moment, please, because THE BERET IS BACK. Maybe now all of Lucinda’s powers will be restored. They discuss flavours. They have already agreed on toffee apple and cosmopolitan. Lucinda suggests blue cheese and cranberry? There is a silence as everyone silently blees. The Best Salesperson in Europe suggests avocado. Lucinda goes a bit passive here when she says ‘I’m not an avocado fan but I’m not going to stop anyone else from putting that forward’. Anyway, avocado, toffee apple and cosmopolitan it is.
Princess Lindi has been made second in command, and sent to drum up business. They go to a local garage, where she says ‘I’ve come to bring you some good news (to you in David’s town this day is born a child…?). Oh there’s a local farm producing local ice cream (in a local shop for local people?) – and they have a free taste testing.' I was waiting for her to offer some kind of personalised service – spoon washing, perhaps - but sadly not. [24-hour spoon hotline! - Steve]
Alpha are in the kitchen. They have put avocado and chilli in ice-cream? Wrong show, surely, that sounds like the kind of MODERN! BRITISH! Food that will go to Glory at the Gherkin in Great British Menu. There is a lovely lady in the kitchen who seems up for a laugh. Lee smells an ice cream: perfection. Laughs and jollity ensue.
Unusually, Margaret gives a long piece to camera singing Lucinda’s praises and saying she has a nice manner and is doing well at managing her team.
Helene, Lee and the nice woman taste avocado ice cream and say it’s quite nice, and there is general bounciness all round.
Renaissance taste their berry ice cream, which is also nice, but Claire and her half are missing. Matt Lucas is concerned they are ‘almost gonna have to scrap the chocolate orange icecream’ (eh?). In an echo of the Renaissance poshos drink coffee scene from a couple of weeks ago, we see Claire and Michael Sophocles drinking cider.
Back with Alpha, and Raef is on the phone in a pub: ‘Hello, it’s Raef, I’m the CEO of Alpha luxury ice creams’. It’s half cringey, half LOL-worthy. Princess Lindi, The Best Salesperson in Europe and Raef are calling round people to get some potential custom. The Best Salesperson in Europe chats to a cinema guy who agrees to see them, saying to him ‘get ready to taste some of the best ice cream youse have ever had in your whole entire life’. He sounds unconvinced. Raef then businessprattles about one hit, that’s all you need, it just boosts you, its like a snowball effect in fact. The Best Salesperson in Europe says to camera ‘I’m very pleased with the independent cnemas, pyulral (sic) I managed to bag today. I’m very pleased with myself’. Anyone else think this is coming back to bite her later? The voiceover says that with six sales meetings secured, Lucinda’s sales team put down their phones and pick up their knves and forks. Dum dum durrrrr. Although, I know we are supposed to see this as a bit of self-congratulatory slacking off, but they do have to eat, right? Anyway, they all congratulate each other. It won't be for the last time.
Back with Renaissance, Clare’s team return with the oranges and stuff. They ask the kitchen team ‘shall we leave you to it?’ Alex and H from Steps bitch about it being a fucking joke. The voiceover informs us that no-one has been invited for the product tasting. Claire is shown in the car saying she doesn’t think a huge amount will happen around here, this might be the talk of the village, that there’ll be old ladies talking in the post office about it. And seriously, how patronising and offensive can you get?
They find the pond and village hall and decide to disturb a yoga class. I’m not convinced a yoga place is the best environment to find ice cream tasters, but whatevs. Michael Sophocles explains what they doing and asks if the villagers are around for a tasting at 8.30. They all say no, in unison. Heh, country web-footed, blind crowy yokels 1, Renaissance O.
Claire outside says ‘just think about it, they’re in their weekly yoga class in the village hall and in walks a random guy, asking them about ice cream’. Indeed, Claire.
In Lucinda’s kitchen, their ice-cream is finished. Lee McQueen tastes it and says ‘I’m telling you now that is a toffee apple (and when Lee McQueen tells you that’s a toffee apple, that’s a toffee apple). Helene laughs, and it’s all much jollier than last week.
Lee McQueen tells the lovely ice cream lady that they, no she, is gonna make millions. Awww.
Princess Lindi is in their local village hall , and in a primary school teacher fashion, explains what will happen and checks everyone has a spoon. She tells them ‘the thing you have just tasted is a cosmopolitan’. Woman 1: ‘I’m not sure. It tastes of nothing’. Princess Lindi: ‘so it’s a cocktail we’ve made into an ice cream’. Woman 2: ‘it tastes like mashed potato’. Seriously, villagers for the win.
The villagers are told they’ve just had avocado and a kid gag faces. A woman says it was actually quite tasty. People apparently like the toffee apple, too, so toffee and avocado go through. Princess Lindi saying she thinks they’ll have no problem making their sales and blowing the other team out of the water, it’s going to be a walk in the park, businesscliche, businesscliche.
The voiceover tells us that Claire’s team are still in the kitchen and are thirty minutes late for their tasting session. They arrive at their venue, where the lights are off and nobody’s home. Michael Sophocles tries his luck at the local pub. He collars two men and says ‘We really need some people with discerning palates who know about food to taste the ice creams’. Man 1 slurs: ‘do you think we are going to have discerning opinions after a couple of good bottles of wine?’ Absolute win. I LOVE THE VILLAGERS. MS: ‘well I think if you’ve got a good palate, you’ve got a good palate, no matter how you’ve had to drink. Look, I can see you're clearly busy…’ Clearly, they’re not, so this is just another case of Renaissance’s crack negotiators strike again. The man retorts back that yes, they are really busy (can he be The Apprentice, please?). They taste them anyway. In the car park. Seriously, the two drinking men from the pub are the only people tasting it. Nick is in the background making notes, presumably which say ‘ZOMG Alan employ the villagers instead of these numpties’.
Jenny Celerie asks ‘would your wife go for those?’ Man 2 says ‘I don’t have a wife but I think my sister in law would like them’. Man 2 says ‘my EX wife would like the first one’. Villagers approximately 8, 000, 000. Renaissance 0. And that, folks, was the sum total of Renaissance’s tasting session.
Alpha are at the house. Lucinda says she wants to mix up the teams, Princess Lindi with Helene and Lee, her with the others. The silence is so thick you could cut it with a knife. Lucinda says, ok that went down like a lead balloon. The Best Salesperson in Europe bitches that no-one liked it. Lucinda says 'oh well, we're all tired, lets go to bed'.
Drums of doom music, night to day London porn. [Though obviously London can never compare to Beautiful Cardiff. - Steve]
Alpha are all dressed up and full of pep, saying they have all great appointments, they’re a great team, come on let's do it etc. The two sub-teams remain as they were.
There is comedy bumbling music at the house as Claire holds a team meeting. The obligatory flipchart of business bullshit is out (drrrink). They apparently only have two concrete appointments. Alex bitches about how Claire and co had all day yesterday to make appointments, and they’d get fired if they were in telesales. [And Alex was doing...what? He bitched that he couldn't make the ice-cream because Claire hadn't come back with the oranges, so why didn't he use his downtime to make some sales calls off his own back? You are such a lazy fuck, Alex. - Steve]
Princess Lindi’s team are in an independent shop. They tell the owner the ice-cream is called avocadolicious. Its called what now? Lucinda and co go to their second appointment… at an ice cream parlour. Helene pitches. The owner points out they make their own ice cream. As they leave, Lucinda says it was a bit of a fuck up but let’s move on. Helene grumbles about the SALES TEAM OF AWESOME and says its not about quantity of appointments but quality. The car of overconfidence call Lucinda and say they got first order for a WHOLE 15 LITRES and give themselves big woohoos. Lucinda points out some of the stores they have been to have their own ice cream maker. Princess Lindi says we can still sell to them, Lucinda says if they not going to buy, they not going to buy, but you’re the sales team you know best. In car, The Best Salesperson in Europe asks Princess Lindi if she’s worried. Princess Lindi says she isn’t, she’s just pissed off about people telling her how to do things she knows how to do (which wasn’t the case, Lucinda was simply pointing out that half the leads were total crap). I sense she will be in danger of getting fiyud if Alpha end up in the boardroom.
Renaissance are going door to door. Daffyd and co go to a cinema. The names of their ice creams are: Veryberry and Ciderlicious (a bit better than Alpha’s effort). Vikki Pollard tells the man that says more people are drinking cider, its almost the new champagne, which I suppose is true for a school-girl like her, but isn’t really the case for anyone else. Anyway, the manager says he likes them, they are good, but all products have to go through head office because they are one of 18 cinemas. They arrange another meeting back at three. Alex says ‘we are potentially gonna secure a MASSIVE deal’.
Notting Hill: The salesteam of WE IZ WIN meet with another cinema in the same chain as Renaissance, only they meet with the chain’s manager and head buyer. The Best Salesperson in Europe is quite pushy, saying ‘if you buy today, which I’m sure you will, you will have the exclusive cinema rights on these.’ They decide to order 100 products. A cinema man calls Alex and tells him Alpha made the sale already. Alex gets stroppy. He goes back in and the manager says they can’t do it. Kenny Craig says it’s game over and totally looks like he’s going to cry. When they tell Claire about Alpha, her face is a mix of impressed and how dare they disgusted. She says it’s a shame, really bad news for them but they can’t do anything about it now.
Voiceover man tells us that Claire’s door to door strategy only sold 30 litres. Claire goes on about how they’ve got to be positive, keep momentum etc. Sara makes a good sale – I like Sara, I think she might win this whole show, you know. [Me too. She's doing the whole stealth competence thing quite well. - Steve] Alex says its about big deals not small ones: if you fail to prepare, you prepare to fail and that’s what Claire’s done. Anyone sense that if Renaissance lose, Claire and Alex will be having a boardroom bitch-off?
In an independent café type shop, a woman takes a small order. Nick says this is the perfect shop for them, and if they had one of these orders every hour they’d do well. Nick says he thinks they’re in trouble.
Lucinda and team go to specialist outlets, and piece about how the avocado ice-cream can be a starter or dessert (Great British Menu is soooo calling). Lee McQueen has fallen a little bit in love with Lucinda and says she has been brilliant: cool, calm, collected. She’s clearly a manager.
Princess Lindi is with the chief buyer of a chain of gastropubs. He asks for them to agree the prduct won’t go into other pubs for three months (so let's hope Lucinda et al haven’t sold to any pubs, eh?). They decide to do that. The man orders 130 litres. Princess Lindi says it was all so easy, and the TEAM OF TEH AWESOME SALEZ go on about how they are utterly amazing and haven’t a care in the world.
Bubbles DeVere and Alex finish some more deals off. Renaissance go to a final meeting at ‘a trendy bar and grill’. They make a deal for 200 litres, £800, which suddenly makes Alpha look a bit threatened for the only time all episode.
Back at the house, Alpha big themselves up in the kitchen to the others. They are all eating Muller yoghurt, not ice cream, which made me chuckle. Princess Lindi bitches to camera about how she was more of a PM than Lucinda. Claire says she feels a guillotine literally (drink!) inches away from her neck.
In the boardroom Sralan bigs himself up a bit by saying it was all about doing good deeds for farmers, which is almost as patronising as Renaissance’s village bitching, but anyway.
Over to Renaissance. Was Claire a good PM? Jenny and Damon Albarn say she was. I call lies. Sralan asks about their ice cream. Sara tells him about Veryberry being healthy. Sralan is all like: ice cream, healthy? Sara says that berries are full of antioxidants. SR: but all the fat…? Nick says they were trying to persuade mothers to give kids five helpings a day because of the five fruit and veg thing. Kristina and lollies to children springs to mind and why weren’t we shown this? Claire tells him about the cider one. He asks about their testing. Jenny Celery says they had fewer people than expected so got two guys from the pub who may have been slightly intoxicated. Sralan: ‘two drunks? I’m gonna have a flying guess at which one they liked?’ Heh. Sralan calls them on their uselessness.
We turn to Alpha. Their tasting went well. Helene and Lee say Lucinda was a good PM and Lee sings her praises some more. The Best Salesperson in Europe says that Lucinda’s been more positive but she wouldn’t say she was a great team leader. Princess Lindi bigs herself up, saying they managed to book six appointments. Margaret continues her four-series streak of being awesome by pointing out three of them made their own ice cream. Sralan chuckles and asks if they’d thought about that before. Raef babbles on about selling anyway, Sralan tells him he’d be wasting his bladdy time (drink!). Lucinda says she tried to mix up the teams, and Sralan says it was a good idea, he would do that himself. I think he is developing the Lucinda love. Has she been taking magic vag lessons off Swimbint from Hollyoaks? Lucinda says she got a very negative response and The Best Salesperson in Europe lies that she would have done whatever Lucinda wanted. So. Much. Haaaaate. [Oh, I don't doubt she would have done it, but she'd have moaned and whined and dragged her heels and done it as ineptly as possible on purpose, much like Claire and Alex did to Simon last week. - Steve]
Onto the numbers: Alpha, orders £1273.74. Renaissance: £1455.45. Seriously, what the fuck? They did not deserve that victory, and let’s hope they appreciate that.
Sralan says to them that it’s not just about sales, it’s about finding the farmer those new deals, its like gold dust to him. Claire cries. As well she might, she knows how lucky she’s been this week. I don’t share the Claire hate a lot of people out there do, but this week she should really have been fired. End of.
Their prize is a helicopter ride to learn archery and golf. What a shite prize. [I kept hoping someone was going to accidentally fire an arrow into Kevin, but to no avail. - Steve]
Sralan says that despite £1200 sales, Lucinda’s team lost (in other words, this is one of those weeks where both teams did quite well). He talks to Margaret and Nick and says they did some good for British farmers, and seriously, enough with the patronising already. Nick says Claire was a changed person after Sralan’s talk which: notsomuch.
In the café of crap, The Best Salesperson in Europe says she never bitched about the teams. Lucinda says it was the looks she was giving and some people in the team have a problem with her. Lee McQueen steps in and says there was no issue then we got in boardroom, now there’s an issue (Lee McQueen has become all awesome this episode. Lee McQueen and Sara for the final four, surely?) and bigs up his new TL4E some more. Helene pieces to camera that The Best Salesperson in Europe is a bitch, and Lucinda did really well. The Best Salesperson in Europe says she’s gutted as this was one of her best tasks, which is fair enough, as if I’d lost to the shower of shite that was Renaissance in this episode, I’d be pissed too.
In the boardroom of blue, Sralan says the key to the task was the leads, and asks what the marketing team were doing? Princess Lindi says they did their best, that admittedly some of the leads weren’t as god as they should have been, but they put their all in etc. Sralan calls her on her use of clichés. Lucinda says Helene managed an appointment through cold calling, despite being on the kitchen team [yeah ALEX - Steve], so why couldn’t the others? Helene says accountability needs to be with the sales force as the product was good. Sralan asks about the aborted team splitting up and Lucinda says The Best Salesperson in Europe was giving it all negative body language, and that Helene had expressed concerns about working with Jennifer. Helene turns and fake faces a ‘no I didn’t’, which is as bad a bit of boardroom turncoating as Alex last week. The ladies bitch a bit.
Margaret tells them off and brings up the cinema chain and them offering exclusivity without the chain asking for it. The Best Salesperson in Europe says she offered them it, she thought it was a good business deal. Sralan is incredulous: exclusivity for cinemas for the whole of London? On what basis would you do that? And he brings up the point of, you know, the farmer whose business this is. The Best Salesperson in Europe makes a bullshit excuse about them coping with the capacity, which Sralan pulls to pieces. Raef says they didn’t discuss exclusivity before going to the meeting and thinks Jennifer was just excited by doing the deal. The Best Salesperson in Europe then lands no longer BFF Princess Lindi in it about the pub deal. Princess Lindi says it was for three months and only for chains. Lucinda points out one of the other pubs they went to was a chain. Sralan says they no right offering any exclusivity whatsoever, they potentially lost the farmer business and had he known this earlier on, these sales would have been void.
Surprise surprise, Princess Lindi and The Best Salesperson in Europe are coming back in with Lucinda, and one of them IS GANNA GET FIYUD.
Sralan asks Lucinda if she used skills from her job, she said she did. He says ‘you’re in risk assessment, better start assessing the risk of you being fired’. Sralan says to Princess Lindi that she was put in charge of sales, and they lost on sales. She babbles on about nothing much before blaming The Best Salesperson in Europe on the exclusivity. He asks why she didn’t pipe up. She said she thought they may have lost customer. Sralan: ‘sometimes you have to, you cant give away the shop’. L: ‘I totally agree with you’. (Whatevs). [Seriously, the "why didn't you stop her?" bit was irrelevant. Once someone's put it on the table in a meeting, you can't overrule them like that because it makes you all look incompetent. Although they should have discussed things like this beforehand, and WINNAR OF SALES FOAR EUROPE should've known better than to offer it in the first place. - Steve]
The Best Salesperson in Europe and Princess Lindi bitch about each other and Lucinda looks there, looking a bit relieved. The Best Salesperson in Europe tells Sralan to ask any PM except Lucinda about her, she’s always given support. Nick says he’s always felt a chill in the air between her and the others. It’s not quite ‘lips for sin’, but a pretty good burn nonetheless.
Princess Lindi babbles at Sralan, he asks who should be fired, she babbles to get out of it and then says on this task Jennifer. The Best Salesperson in Europe butts in and says Lindi was complimenting her the whole task. They bitch at each other a bit.
Sralan talks to Lucinda: does he need a risk assessor? To The Best Salesperson in Europe: she screwed up big time, what she did was unforgiveable, she is cold with people, he doesn’t just need a sales person. But Princess Lindi was ultimately responsible, so Princess Lindi is fired.
He turns to The Best Salesperson in Europe and apparently she said on her application form that one of her weaknesses is giving idiots a second chance, well maybe it’s rubbed off on him because she has a second chance. Getting burned by both Nick and Sralan in quick succession is some going, it does not bode well for The Best Salesperson in Europe.
Back at the house, Alex thinks Lucinda is coming back, Raef thinks not, and most people seem to hate The Best Salesperson in Europe. They are all shocked at who returns.
Coat watch: a nice green belted thing. Good work, Princess Lindi.
In the house, Helene bitches about Lucinda calling her on her bitchiness, and seriously, I am really going off Helene now. [Also, The Best Salesperson in Europe repeated Sralan's line about the chill between her and the others, expecting a rebuttal only to be greeted with an appropriately frosty silence. It was awesome. - Steve]
Princess Lindi in the cab says that Sralan has not seen how special she is. Princess, why would you want some crappy job running one of his failing businesses like previous winners, when you should be sitting on a throne or something anyway?
That’s it for this week. Join us next week when our hapless anti-heroes have to create an event to sell greetings cards. One of the teams plumps for ‘singles day’ (as in being single, not 7”s, as the latter would be made of win, and this is a task clearly made of lose) and Jenny Celery makes a young boy cry. I call both teams doing badly, and someone getting fired.
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