Maybe Baby

For those of you not paying attention, this programme is a serious attempt by Sralan Sugar to find a dogsbody to pay a 6 figure salary to for doing some stuff for his company Notamstrad.

Last time the hapless hopefuls had to re brand Margate. Ignite decided to re-brand the sea side by not re-branding and aimed for families. Empire shot for the moon and targeted the gays. Mona was so far out of her comfort zone she needed a passport to come back, MarGAYte was overlooked as a tag line and with regret Mona was fired.

The 'answering the phone first thing in your undies' sequences have been a let down so far. And this week - argh a Ben torso shot and Debra in her PJ's - no need!

They are off to meet Sralan at University College Hospital. James VT - he knows he is skating on thin ice and Sralan is waiting for it to crack. In the cars they are guessing what the task will be be based on their destination. Howard suggests whatever they think they should go for the opposite and they'll be closer. Debra thinks its a race to administer mouth to mouth to the largest number of presumably dying volunteers. The team with the most left alive win. I think not although it does sound like a reasonable idea for a Big Brother task. [Well, you can volunteer if you want, but I wouldn't put my life in the hands of anyone in that house - Rad]

In a maternity wing, Nick looks very uncomfortable and they are all wearing nice blue shoe covers. They have to have a stand at the Baby Show, choose 2 products from those offered and the team who sell the most (and makes the most) wins.

Its time to mix up the Magnificent Seven. Ben and Yasmina go to Empire and Howard to Ignite. Interestingly Sralan picks the mums and dads as the team leaders meaning James leading Empire and Lorraine leads Ignite. Yes they have procreated - are you scared yet?

Before we go any further I should tell you right now. I am a woman, I have given birth twice, I am not cutting them any slack this week and I fully expect Ben to invoke my wrath more than usual.....

Shots of babies and the Baby Show. I want to say baby show porn but obviously that's wrong. Anyway some babies are cute, some not.

The first job is to pick the 2 winning products that are going to fly off the stand and make the teams a fortune. Lorraine has been to the Baby Show previously as a mum and says she went to get furniture but ended up buying lots of impulse purchases too and suggests this as a strategy, 1 high end item and 1 impulse type buy. This is wise.

James and Ben are already disagreeing. James is not so fussed about timing as getting the products right which is OK up to a point. They have 6 hours to choose the products. Start the clock!

In the cars some classic conversations:
James randomly announces 'One thing that is really important when you’re breastfeeding is the mother needs to be happy. Because if she is a little bit anxious there is something in nature which switches off the tap in her breast.' (He is correct sort of although I suspect the majority of Apprentbitch readers will not be so bothered about this trufact so I will abstain from any further comment)

Debra has learnt something new. 'James! I didn’t know I had a tap in there mate!' (She has no soul and no heart so why not tittaps?)

Ben actually makes a funny, that's funny: 'Do you know the left one is hot and the right one is cold?' Is he actually going to be less of a cunt this week?

In the Ignite-mobile Howard seems pleased Lorraine is in charge rather than James. 'How many people is James going to ask “when is it due?” when they are not pregnant?'

In Holland Park James and Yasmina are viewing the 'latest' birthing pool. So basically its a big paddling pool but with sturdier sides for the labouring woman to lean over. Course James is straight in demonstrating full blown labour. Only a person whose never done it will mock it but I stop swearing at him when it becomes apparent he does seem to know his stuff. Mags looks like she finds the whole thing slightly distasteful. The woman showing them the pool tells them she took 5k in 3 days at a baby show. Pound signs flash in their eyes. James knows the pool will target a smaller market but with potentially higher return.

Debra and Ben are looking at a protective head cap. I can tell you every mum I know thinks these are stupid. Ben says he wants his kids to get cuts and bruises. Nice. 'Its CODSHIT' says James. Indeed it is. They sort of look like those velcro hats you wear to play that game where you catch the ball with your head - or did I imagine that?

Meanwhile Lorraine views the take off pushchair - it collapses quickly and easily. Wins. I actually want this pram, I never want anything I see them trying to flog. I feel this is a good sign. But somehow I think it will prove harder for anyone other than Mr Demonstrator to collapse and put up. Its priced at £135 - not bad for a buggy but a little high end for a stroller, (come on people keep up). Still they'll throw in a changing bag.

Kate and Howard are looking at shoes for babies - with high heels - these caused outrage in the parenting community when they came out. Even the woman pitching them says shes had death threats - OK I am exaggerating but only slightly. These things are pointless and foul and really whatthefuck? I will not launch into a rant because it will be incoherent and mostly involve 'argh' over and over again. [I echo your 'what the fuck' and expect a Daily Mail expose by the middle of next week - Rad]

Debra and Ben are looking at rocking horses, built to order by a man wearing pressed jeans and a nice shirt. Known as best rocking horse makers in the world, they sell to kings and queens and the price tag to match - £1500 plus VAT. Eeek. Ben mounting and rocking in any sense turns my stomach. They love the horses. If they sell one they are quids in -this is true but oh so risky

Now Lorraine is in the birthing pool. Its not complicated guys, you get in, it makes the worst pain of your life a bit more bearable. The selling lady is getting a bit biological now and encourages Lorraine to find but her coccyx and pubic bone. Nick looks worried as well he might and Lorraine declines to grab her crotch on national TV.

Now Kate and Howard are at protective head gear HQ. It may be nice to see kids wearing the gear but the kids don't look happy. The kid is thinking 'fuck you mum I look like a total Dick on national TV'. In the car Kate says she wants to play on the guilt factor. Grr like parents need anymore guilt heaped on them and if your 6 month old falls over as in they were stood unaided never mind walking, you have a prodigy on your hands so you need to call Mensa not stick a thud hood on them. (I trademark that name right now by the way)

James is now at the buggy take away and he likes the pram. Lorraine has decided she wants the pushchair and the birthing pool. Howard agrees and says only 2% of women have births at home so we'll go for the pushchair and to balance it go for the 'thud guard'. Lorraine corrects him that its 2.2% but whatevers.

Debra and Ben go for the horse, the horse, they are all about the horse. At gun point from James they are forced to choose something else, they suggest the pram. James compares the buggy that folds differently to a laptop that folds differently - like you'd be bothered. I'd LOVE to see a laptop that folded differently and anyway and he has kids? I'd kill for that pram! I can only assume he has never had to collapse a pram under pressure and the gaze of a whole bus full of cunts and then hold aforementioned pram for the whole journey. He plumps for the pool.

Back at Crackden Towers, Lorraine is trying to demonstrate the buggy, you know the one that comes up and goes down easier than a tarts knickers? She may have broken it. It's pissing her off. Howard says they need to be able to smoothly put it up and down. Thankfully the hat just goes on your head.

£1700 of horse next door. James' pep talk consists of - sell the bloody (bladdy?) rocking horse.
Quite.

On the way to Earls Court James is determined someone will buy the horse. If sheer force of will alone can make it happen they'll be OK, they are all straining so much they appear constipated. Lorraines notes that if the other team have chosen the horse then 1 sale will blow them out the water. [A risky strategy but sometimes it works on this show - Rad]

At Earls Court they have prime sites and start checking out the competition, Ignite aren't worried - until they see another stand with the take away buggy. So not exclusive then. Lorraine is kicking herself for not checking whether others exhibitors would have it and shes kicking the buggy because she can't work it.

9.30am they have 7 hours to sell. Yasmina is selling the birthing pool by giving a ever so slightly graphic 'my brother was ripped from my mothers womb' birth story. Lorraine tries to demonstrate the buggy. Badly. Customers not impressed, Howard not impressed, Nick says Lorraine is making a complete 'Horlicks' of it. Not as good as codshit. Now the customers showing them how to do it. Face palm.

Customers are giving Empires 'stable' a wide berth - so they take the prices off.

Yasmina sells a birthing pool. It's pulling in the preggy ladies - in fact some look like they might need to use it there and then. James describes how it opens everything up so far the baby jumps out - have forgiven his labour impression but worry he may get done for false advertising when these women actually give birth.

The toddler hard hat is selling well - just my opinion here but actually like many similar products it's stupid and can actually be dangerous as it gives parents a false sense of increased safety. Howard seems to think it babysits and entertains the kids, 'just make sure hes still in the room' (but basically you can ignore him).

Horses not happening. They are still under starters orders and other such horse race inspired witticisms.

Lorraine's team have got finally got the buggy licked. Mr Fiona really wants one now, I am resisting the urge to google them.

Empire have now got kids on the horses, for free rides . Ben says its not just a rocking horse, but an heirloom. One dad pissed off cos he can't sit on it too. Debra is realising if they don't sell the horse its her and Ben that pushed for it.

O no! A customer tells them another stand is telling the buggy for £100 meaning that anyone who was interested earlier in the day and planning on coming back has gone to the competition. With 15 minutes to go another exhibitor is after a horse but wants £200 off. Debra pushes for full prices and pushes some more. She even offers to work for a day, for a week if he buys it at full price. Drop the price woman, they can't drop the price Debra says whatever and they loose the sale.

James feels like he's been dumped, his football team's lost and he backed a losing horse. Ho ho.

Oh James. I have grown to really like you. If he has sense he'll take in Debra and Ben 'if' he looses.

Boardroom

Ben lays straight into James. James confirms the products chosen, risky strategy says Sralan. James gives a surprisingly comprehensive reason for not choosing the pushchair - too expensive. And as noted earlier it is more expensive than for a basic stroller but I think he underestimated the USP.

Lorraine was a good team leader, Kate describes their strategy of high and low price items. Ben justifies why he didn't choose the head gear. Sralan calls Lorraine on getting totally busted by someone else under selling her
results
Empire - sale £722
Ignite £1660.89
Treat - National Portrait Gallery to meet Gerald Scarfe for a caricature each - quite cool but quite low budget. [Cool for us, rather than them, surely? A Scarfe caricature, whilst acurate, is rarely flattering. Still, better than Myleene playing the piano or Kathryn Jenkins warbling - Rad]

At the National Portrait Gallery - champagne, carnival of animals (- fossils) and a man with a voice like sex and a wicked pen.

Loser Cafe. Debra tells James they should have gone for the buggy and James should be fired. Ben also says we should have got the buggy not a birthing pool. What short memories these 2 goldfish/piranhas have. Like the horse wasn't a problem?

Sralan and Nick start on the everyone needs a buggy and 2% need a pool. Fuck that - its the horse that shit all over it. Debra takes it on her sizable chin and admits the horse was a distraction, suddenly Debra was pushing for the buggy? when? Debra and Ben have definitely decided to tag team James.

Yasmina says they choose the pool because the seller had a proven track record. They get into some random calculations. The pool was at a reduced price so people were coming to them.
Sralan doesn't understand why they couldn't give the reduced price for the horse. There was no special offer Ben, leaving a deposit is not a special offer Debra. £1500 is better than £0.

James is bringing back Ben & Debra but if he could he would take in Debra twice if he could. Sralan notes it's the 4th time all 3 have been in the last 3.

Mags doesn't know how they didn't ask for a discount, Ben thinks too much of himself, Debra is over powering and James is disorganised.

Ben is all don't fire me I have raw acumen and talent as per. Sralan say so like where? Ben gives more bluster with no back up. He can complete at world class level, bladdy sandhurst - Sralan NOT impressed: he was a Jewish bugler. [He also referenced Sandhurst types not being able to cook on a bean can a la 'cheese from Makro' Paul, which made me LOL - Rad]

James is a senior manager but he is a nice guy who makes sensible decisions. I can get on with people he informs Sralan, Debra would have half notamstrad on strike in a day. Sralan tells him not to worry his pretty little head about that and anyway there is no room for Mr nice.

Turning to Debra, Sralan tells her that Nick and Mags are not your fans. He continues that shes alienating people, causing aggro and is a BLADDY WOMAN. Debra responds that her personality might be abrasive but she is good at her job, passionate and fearless and 'that's me' - but she's not ruthless. She wants to go from a lump of coal to the diamond he wants - zirconia snorts Sralan.

Debra, after prompting from Sralan, takes responsibility for the horse while still managing to blame James. He responds by making the point that he would have been a shit PM if he had given them the mandate to choose items and then ignored their opinions.

The verdict:
Ben is showing promise, Debra - no one likes you and James you're nice but you are maybe too nice. There is light at the end of the tunnel, Ben shakes his head, but the light's gone and BEN is out!!

He sits outside and weeps slightly.

Debra has escaped because she is belligerent. Remind you of anyone?

Debra hugs Ben - god he is tiny

Coat watch - black and boring.

Mags says Ben's raw material is good. I am so confused, he wasn't that much of a cunt this week. I actually think it should have been Debra rather than him and I didn't think I'd ever hear myself say that! Everyone says they'll be shocked if Ben has gone and shocked they are.

In the taxi Ben is adamant he is better than James and he is still tearing up. All these babies has made me soft and for a second I feel a glimmer of compassion for him.

Next week: YES ITS TV SHOPPING CHANNEL WEEK PEOPLE.

Summer gays , drifting away

Previously on The Apprentice... Our hapless heroes thought they were going somewhere exotic but they went Oop North. Mona didn’t go for any of Sralan’s ace leads put pulled off some awesome negotiations. Lorraine’s team picked some rubbish items and Philip, Ben and Kate couldn’t be arsed to sell anything. In the boardroom Philip was a dick, Lorraine snitched on his relationship with Kate, Kate wiped the floor with both of them and Philip was fired, which was a joke. According to Philip.

It's 5.10am(!), and NotFrances calls. Mona, barely awake, answers the phone. The cars will be with them in half an hour and they have to take an overnight bag. Sunrise over London porn.

This week’s tenuous venue is the Millennium Dome the O2, built ‘about ten years ago’. Yes, Sralan, for that big thing that happened ‘about 10 years ago’ called the millennium. Anyway, it rebranded successfully (allegedly, although I defy anyone to see a picture of it and not think of it as the Dome first) and so they’re going to rebrand Margate. Considering the wealth of creative brandng talent on show so far this series, I bet Margate can't wait. They're surely kicking themselves over Philip's firing last week when he could have come up with a wonderfully inappropriate concept this time around as well.

The teams have two days to come up with a ‘marketing makeover’. In team one, everyone wants to be the manager, especially Howard, but Debrabarr tells him he can be the subteam manager if he wants. I can't work out whether she's incredibly harsh here or just incredibly awesome by deciding she's PM and not engaging in any debate. It's pretty forceful, whatever.

In team two, Yasmina and Kate are wearing matching waistcoat/tanktop combos. Yasmina wants to be PM and everyone else agrees.

Mona apparently knows Margate well and says ‘it’s all about families’. Which, yes, it's a seaside resort, that stands to reason. Howard and James say that’s not rebranding. Howard asks how they feel about the gay market. Mona says she’d rather go with families but the others want to actually rebrand as per the task remit, so the gays it is. Mona PTCs that Kent is not a place for the gays and no gays are in Kent. Kent says no to gays!

Over in team two, Lorraine says with the ‘economic downturn’ (drrrink) more families will want to holiday in Britain. The team quickly agree to sell to families.

Lots of London porn and twiddly classical music.

In team two’s car, Lorraine is working a Jenny Celery-esque scarf and discussing things with Ben and it’s all rather amicable. It's actually quite amazing how the dickwipe quotient in that car has decreased by about 110% (drink!) since Philip left - even though it still has Lorraine AND Ben in it.

Mona and James discuss how they need to find out what’s going on in Margate.

Team one – Empire, apparently – are casting for their models. They have two men and Howard asks if they’ve ever done any same sex modelling? They say no. Howard then gets lots of boys to touch each other up for his and Debrabarr’s pleasure.

Margate, we are told, is ‘just another faded seaside town’. Cue lots of shots of broken glass and boarded up shops. However! Margate needn't be sad, as the candidates will fix all of this! Or! The producers have just dealt the Margate tourist board a nasty blow.

Mona and James talk to the locals and say they want to rebrand Margate. The locals say ‘that’s our job’. They mention attracting the gays. The locals are all well up for it, but Mona keeps trying to talk them out of it. Kent is up for the gays after all!

Yasmina and Kate, still in matching outfits, audition for the ‘perfect’ mum and dad. They get people to flash their legs and chests. These auditions are really just an excuse for a good old perv, aren’t they?

Ben and Lorraine are looking for something to make Margate special and attract young upwardly mobile (hello 1987) families. They settle for a nice shot of some rockery in what’s either a park or a crazy golf course, I can't really tell, with a view of the sea behind. Ben VTs that Margate is hardly the Seychelles. He comes up with a slogan ‘shellebrate family fun’ and phones Y and K with this. They lol and are all ‘NO WAI’. He then says something about it being the epitome of British culture and they LOL some more. Lorraine suggests seeing it through children’s eyes and they are up for that.

Mona talks to a pre-op transsexual and asks if Margate is for the gays and then asks what her sexuality is. She is told about waiting for the op and asks so ‘are you a boy or a girl’ and says 'you can't tell' (which: you could tell a mile off, sorry) seems rather shocked by the whole thing. Oh, Mona. The complete horror of this exchange doesn't work so well in recap but it's essentially something only to be watched through the gaps in your fingers.

James phones back and says everyone’s thought it was time to move on from the blue rinse brigade, and they’re onto a winner.

8am, the morning of the photo shoot and it’s all fogtastic. It will be interestinf to see if Sralan can blame then for the bladdy weather in the boardroom. I wouldn't put it past him. Lorraine and Ben call Yasmina in a panic and she’s all ‘get a nice shot, we want background with lots of space in’ and not really getting the whole weather situation.

Over at team gay, five models are pretending to be lesbian and gay. The lesbians are clearly in a three-way setup. Progressive! Not only is Margate embracing the gays, it's embracing threesomes! Brilliant! Mona asks them to pose. James hangs on to a pole-dancing pole. Nick says it’s all looking a bit stiff and wooden (heh) and they’re not getting much direction. I'm not entirely sure why Howard isn't in team Margate, as being the creative one, it would seem to make more sense.

Ben is taking control of team nuclear family and making lots of square ‘framing’ gestures with his fingers to show he knows what he is doing, right. It's all very Michael Sophocles, film director, except even crapper, which I wouldn't have thought was possible.

In London (because there are no design guys in Margate, clearly), Yasmina lays out her leaflet, whilst Debra and Howard are struggling with their posters – Howard thinks there’s too much text and there should only be four words. The design guy sits and stares into space. Debrabarr's, all 'I dunno, four words isn’t many'. Howard says you’re not listening to me, which, no, she’s just not convinced, Fishy. At this point I assume they'll come up with a compromise, you know, more than four words, but less than oooh, let's say ten. Let's see whether this happens, shall we?

James is taking a shot of two ‘gay’ men with ice-creams and says ‘not too much suggestive licking guys’.

Ben is back ‘framing’ again and says ‘none of this horrible stuff; more of the sea, less of Margate’. The Margate tourist board put their collective heads in their hands. Lorraine thinks the shots are too boring (families sitting down) and wants an action shot with them jumping for a beach ball. In London, Yasmina receives the photos and bitches that they don’t have enough empty space for the text. Ben rings and she says ‘Ben you dickwad, where’s my empty space? And you Lorraine’. Lorraine’s all ‘you don’t put text on photographs in posters’ which: when was the last time you saw a poster, Cassandra?

Debrabarr and Howard have a discussion. Debrabarr suggests comparing Margate to Manchester and Brighton, as the next big gay destination. Howard says ‘thought you knew about Margate?’ It all seems very civil.

Yasmina asks Lorraine what she thinks of the poster. Lorraine says 'I think the photo should be the centre'. Yasmina says 'we need to finish it and then talk about it afterwards'. Lorraine’s all ‘that would be too late, numpty’. They then have a big fight. We see the poster and it’s a random image of a child and parent doing pottery with a slightly random font choice - a nice font, but rather formal for a child-oriented thing. Kate tries to bridge over the troubled waters a little.

Team gay aren’t convinced by their leaflets because they don’t have enough content and the design guy doesn’t have enough time to get all the content on. It’s not clear whose fault this is. They leave a big space in the bottom right hand corner, which Nick points out and they decide they have to leave it. In the taxi, Debrabarr says she’s pissed off they didn’t finish the leaflet. Howard asks if there’s an image, a colour, anything in the gap. Debrabarr says no, they left it empty. Howard pulls the face of one who knows they've just lost.

They now have to pitch to ‘industry experts’ and the people of Margate. First to hear the pitches are two industry chiefs and a tourism expert.

Kate’s team show their posters and Kate gives a reasonable presentation that sounds confident and mentions how they played on the British weather. One exec asks if they took their logo off, would they recognise it as their campaign? They say yes, the blue is key, the ad execs say, well not really. The logo is a wave with margate on, and the design is all blues and whites, which is quite nice, but it all looks rather formal rather than ‘fun’.

Howard pitches for team gay. He starts by asking ‘do you know Margate?’. One exec withers ‘yes’. Their posters are ridiculous and I can only deduce that their graphic designer is either a fake, or hates the gays/the candidates, because regardless of the 'creative direction' of the candidates, no graphic designer worth their salt would even contemplate something that looks like this. They've used ugly as hell fonts and a nasty beige colour that all looks so amateur, and there are several paragraphs of text on each poster, although some of their photos could be nice if used differently. Essentially, it looks like a year eight poster produced in a PSE lesson to promote some sort of 'issue'. Howard fudges the blank on the leaflet saying it’s for adverts. One ad man says ‘posters should be under 10 words, yours has 70’. One ad lady says ‘your leaflet isn’t finished, is it?’ Mona says it’s a work in progress, and really, just hold your hands up and say you ran out of time.

Pitching to Margate. Kate pitches through children’s eyes. Slogans say things like ‘see the children enjoy themselves’ and ‘award winning sandy beaches’ which seem more parent-oriented to me, but, hey. One lady says Kate’s pitch was ace but the leaflet image looks like an oil slick and she thought they might offer something different. A man says it’s solid, safe and pedestrian, they want to promote arts and culture and there’s nothing there. Kate says some nonsense about long-term strategy and this being the first campaign in a lengthy rebranding. Oh Kate, you know how this show works by now, and longevity is never a factor (except when offerng exclusivity on other people's products like Princess Lindi and The Best Salesperson in Europe).

Howard says people associated Margate with dull, grey, old people and the camera pans to some older, grey haired officials. Ooof. Howard explains their publicity better than he did with the execs. A woman says nice pitch but dreadful visuals – we can’t read the posters. Howard says, yeah, you’re right. The man who told Kate they were safe then tells them off for limiting the marketing just to the gays. What the hell does Margate want? Howard says where the gays lead, everyone else follows.

Boardroom time, and there’s a shiny blue screensaver on NotFrances’s desk to match the shiny blue lighting and shiny blue eyes. Mona is now wearing Kate and Yasmina’s shirt/tank top uniform.

He asks Ignite how they came up with a family theme. Yasmina says they had a bit of discussion. Sralan interjects as to why she was PM. She says they all wanted her to do it. Sralan: hmmm. Sralan asks about their ideas and the others try to claim they had some brilliant ones. They go on about children liking the beach and Sralan points out there weren’t any children on their rather arty beach shot. Surprisingly, Lorraine doesn't bang on about her unused beach ball photo here.

He asks who put themselves forward as Empire team leader. Debrabarr says she and Howard wanted to. Sralan asks how did you decide? Howard says they agreed on a compromise. If compromise means Debra telling you what you're doing, then sure. Howard explains they chose the gays because it was all about rebranding. Sralan says yes, but your marketing sucks. Howard says ‘we had some clear points’. Sralan says, yes, very clear and shows two blank sides of paper. Fail. He asks Debrabarr who was weakest on their team. She says James and Mona.

The marketing people marked the teams out of 10. From the Margate jury, Team gay: 4; Team nuclear family: 7. From the pro jury, Team gay: 4; Team Nuclear family: 7. It seems to boil down to them having nicer looking publicity and an actual slogan, which is fair enough, even though they didn’t really do any rebranding, and if they'd lost, you just know Sralan would have taken them to task for this. They win some fast car driving, which is probably a bit more fun than laughter yoga. James almost cries.

At the car track, Ben has an orgasm to the camera and they all whoop a lot. Last year's apprentices collectively shudder as watching the fast cars evokes the memory of the supercar task.

In the café of doom, Mona says the fail was because Margate hates the gays (even though they clearly love the gays as we all saw). She then asks if Debrabarr only left an hour for the leaflet. Debrabarr says we wanted to wait for you. James says we lost because our leaflets and posters were shit and turned around in five minutes. Trufax.

Sralan says they made a bold statement about going for the gay market, then whispered the message. Howard says ‘we didn’t want to alienate people’. Sralan says the people were all up for the gays, you just sucked. Sralan says the posters were confusing. Margaret says they should have one big picture and only ten words. Howard says they wrote too much text. Sralan says who wrote it, you or her? Howard and Debrabarr say they both did. Sralan says Mona, you live in Kent, so why didn’t you give them hints? Mona says yes I live there but Debra didn’t listen [to my homophobia]. Sralan says Nick and Margaret say Mona doesn’t have many ideas and where’s her creativity? Mona says she found locations and spoke to a gay, which must mean she's creative and progressive, right? James says she was inappropriate at times. Mona says it was because she was uncomfortable with the subject. Mona says she didn’t agree with the concept. James says whatever your own opinions you need to leave them aside and get on with it. James has come a long way from the doofus of the early weeks, hasn't he?

Sralan says this leaflet isn’t finished. Debrabarr flusters and Nick says you said it was designed for advertisers. Margaret says they didn’t like being lied to and it blew the trust between advertisers and clients. Sralan: 'you’d have been better off saying to them…' Debrabarr: ‘I had Mona in my ear for 15 minutes and couldn’t get on?’ Sralan: 'exactly'. James says he and Howard had no responsibility. Mona says she and James were shocked that nothing was done when they arrived. Debrabarr says the Margate team weren’t creative enough. No-one takes any responsibility. Debrabarr: is it just the images and text that were wrong? (Well, no, it;s the lack of them in the case of the leaflet) Sralan: maybe it’s you. Debrabarr’s bringing back James and Mona. Sralan says you couldn’t bring Howard back because he did loads, although he was also with the 'designer' so I'm not entirely sure he should escape all culpability.

Margaret says they didn’t get a lot of support from the team in Margate, Sralan says Debrabarr needs to think on her feet more and stop lying, although surely you end up lying if you think on your feet too much?

He asks James for a rundown as he hasn’t had much time to talk to him in recent weeks. James says Debrabarr is a bulldog and difficult, but at least she's consistent, whilst Mona blows hot and cold. Debrabarr says Mona wasn’t up for it. Mona says ‘why did I talk to a gay person if I wasn’t?’ Debrabarr says they gave her limited ideas. James and Mona said she thought their ideas were great. Sralan asks who was responsible for the lousy posters. James says Mona was responsible for 15 minutes and Debrabarr for six hours. Debrabarr says I was sat in front of the computer but I needed my team and I wish I was you two sat out eating fish and chips. She and Mona fight a bit.

Sralan tells Mona she sits in the background and doesn’t do anything. Mona says ‘with all due respect Nick and Margaret are not always there and don’t always listen'. What's with the candidates trying to hate on Nick and Margaret this series? Sralan says she just says what she thinks people want to hear. Sralan accuses James of also taking a backseat. James says he doesn’t. Debrabarr asks what he did. He says he sorted out all the photos and didn’t have time to look at the posters. Sralan says he’s playing a clever game to make sure he doesn’t get brought back into the boardroom. James says if he’s looking for someone who says yes Sralan no Sralan three bags full Sralan, that’s not him, he's not a knucklehead. Unfortunately James, that's exactly the kind of person Sralan wants in his organisation.

Sralan says Debrabarr is bossy and can’t afford that in his organisation (but she'll be a good one to come second, or to go out in the rottweiler stage). He says James is a court jester, but he’s not looking for that, and with Mona he doesn’t see any creativity and has to think abot where she would slot into his oh-so-creative organisation. He thinks she might be right at the end of the pier in this process. Mona, with regret, you’re fired. He’s going to keep his eyes on James. I'm not getting why Sralan still hates James so much. I mean, he sucked royally at the start, but he's seemed pretty competent recently, and everyone else seems to like him.

Coatwatch: boring black but with a fetching green scarf. Note to other candidates: if you must wear boring black coats, accessorising is the way to go.

In the cab we hear that Sralan was wrong because Mona’s a stronger candidate, but she’s not going to cry over it.

Crackden apts. They’re not sure who will be back. Lorraine really likes Debrabarr but thinks she’s gone. Ben hopes it's James because to send back the weakest would be an ideal situation for him, because he knows he's going to get fired soon anyway. They return and Debrabarr says she’s ace so she knew she wouldn’t go, and she thought James would go before Mona. Ouch.

Next time: the candidates scare small children at a baby goods sales fair.

Value Added Twats

As you may have heard, there’s this job going at NotAmstrad. The pay will be bang on £100,000 which is much less than the runners-up will make from media appearances, and in order to succeed at it, you’ll need to lose all sense of personality or ambition and develop a strong appreciation for sitting in a storecupboard with no windows. Still, that’s months away and for now you’ve got a telly show to make… welcome to The Apprentice.

I’ve realised that every time I get to do a recap it’s a really dull week so I apologise in advance for this one and the rather dull task, it’s clearly my fault for being on the rota. So, onwards.

Last week Kate stormed to victory with an advert that had a jingle I’ve still got in my head a week later, whilst on the losing team, Philip bulldozed everyone into thinking selling breakfast cereals to children using a character called Pantsman, who is allowed to wear his pants outside his clothes, but you’re not because eating the cereal means you don’t put your pants on over your clothes. Everyone was confused, Kimberly proved to be a cream puff, but not in the least bit ruff or tuff and was FIRED and Steve recapped it all for you a little further down the page.

Crackden Apartments. Philip finally answers the phone in his pants, but it’s too late to try and get us interested in you now, cuntwipe.

This week we’re off to an auction house in Chiswick and in this place people come to have their products VALUED and sold. Get the emphasis there? Good, because the next think Sralan says is that this task is about selling. He’s then all cryptic and like ‘sell them but don’t take everything at face value’.

More team swapping, which makes Ignite and Empire meaningless as team names. Anyway, Kate and Noorul swap, presumably on the grounds that swapping possibly the best candidate with possibly the worst one will make the teams more even. Ben and Philip are the team leaders which automatically means there’s no-one to root for this week.

Sralan asks if everything’s clear – it truly isn’t.

Sralan PTCs that they have ten items but don’t have to sell them all, they do have to sell them at the right price and the right value. This wasn’t particularly clear from his instructions earlier, although it was revealed on You’re Fired that the written brief was a little clearer. The items they have to sell include a rug, some shoes and a box of books. Ben tells Imnite they need to value their items.

Ben VTs that he is a natural born leader and that’s what Sandhurst saw in him, and situations when he’s under pressure, under gun fire, is when he can lead. Interestingly, his voice wobbles a bit as he’s saying this.

Over at Egpire, Philip says he and Lorraine fight but he doesn’t want that any more. He then tells Lorraine off for looking at a rug which isn’t important. He VTs that she’s erratic, for example, she’s looking at a rug made ‘about five years ago’ and that she’s volatile.

Ben decides to ‘lead from the front’ and takes seven items to sell, whilst Philip divides his team’s articles in half.

Philip is convinced the skeleton has the highest value and goes to see a dealer in old curiosities. They tell him it’s amazing and ask if he’s sold that kind of thing. The dealer says no, it’s too new, and suggests they try the universities.

Ben ‘leads an assault’ on book dealers. Interestingly their pile includes some sort of Take That annual circa 1992. The VO tells us the booksellers know their stuff but can’t be rushed. After a few seconds, Ben starts to ask for a decision on a costume book, which the dealer says is worth £10 at the most. After a couple of valuations, Ben leads and says he can’t take any shit ‘I’m fed up of these book people talking shit to me for too long’. Debrabarr says they just want to talk at you. Ben then snarks that this is a horrible task for him to be PM of so will no doubt blame the task if it all goes wrong.

Philip still has his skeleton bone-on whilst Lorraine is keen on the rug. Philip says ‘it’s a nylon rug, made in the last year, try and heed some of my advice’. Lorraine tries to persuade him to get a valuation and he dismisses her.

Ben’s team go to another book dealer with their first edition Octopussy – it’s a James Bond specialist store, so they’ve struck gold. Debrabarr negotiates well and gets £100 from him. Ben shakes his hand, just in case you were worrying he didn’t totally nail that negotiation with his ace skillz.

Philip and co wheel their skeleton into a pub and accost some customers asking if they are doctors or nurses. Philip then shouts out ‘anyone interested in buying a skeleton?’ Someone asks how much and says he’ll give them two quid. Another man asks what it retails at. Philip says £250-300 and the man offers £150. They agree on £160 cash. Margaret says they were very lucky ‘they found someone in a bar who’d wanted one all his life’ but that they learned it was worth trying. I think she might be vaguely impressed at their gall.

Kate tries to flog another book to a market trader and they debate over whether or not she has hungry eyes, and I think he's trying to come onto her a bit which makes me feel rather queasy.

Yasmina and Ben sell some jellied eels in melting ice for £30 to a fishmonger who doesn’t seem keen but thinks getting on the telly might boost his business.

The voiceover tells us that the Indian rug is worth over £200. At this point, everyone I was watching with exploded with glee.

Philip tries to sell it at a flea market and the sellers all think it’s too expensive for them to afford. Margaret says this must be one of the most stupid activities they have ever engaged in. Lorraine VTs that she keeps bringing up the need for the rug to be valued and keeps being told it’s a piece of shite, so she;s quite confused as to whether it’s a gem or a piece of shite. Heh, love Lorraine a little bit today.

Noorul’s found a taker for the skeleton, and both the voiceover and Yasmina sound amazed he’s managed to sell. It’s apparently worth over £150 (not £250-300). They meet a man who says he’s a student and therefore needs a discount. He offers them £50 and Noorul flounders for an eternity before Ben steps in and says he appreciates the man’s a student, ‘but it’s springloaded on the jaw!’ They agree on £60.

Yasmina and Deke go to some rug shops in North London but are told it’s too expensive for that area by several shop owners, who clearly wouldn’t know a piece of one year old nylon shite if it walked into their shop rolled up. Oh, wait…

Philip and co try selling door to door, but people don’t seem to need rugs. Margaret is speechless and apart from Lorraine, they’ve ignored its true value all day and they’ll be lucky to get £10 for it the way they’re going on.

Two hours left and Ben can’t get a buyer for the commode. He suggests selling it as ‘an accessory, rather than what it actually is’. A dealer says it’s not interested as he doesn’t have clients for those types of chairs. They ask if he’ll buy it for a fiver. He says he’ll give them a fiver to go away. Ben wonders if they should offer people money to take it. He calls Debrabarr’s half of the team and tells them to get rid of the rug and come back to him. She says they don’t have time. Yasmina bitches that Debrabarr’s tone of voice is horrible, and she clearly hasn’t forgiven her for futureblackbabygate.

In Greenwich market, Ben’s trying to offload his remaining five items, including vintage shoes worth over £100. He suggests selling them as a load of crap for £1. Nick VTs that they’re treating the whole thing as a ‘flog-off’ and Ben needs to get a grip.

Thirty-five minutes to go, and Philip still has the rug and he ‘cannae believe they cannae sell it’. A market trader tells him she doesn’t have the clientele for it. Philip has not heard a single word a trader has said to him all episode. I imagine Philip’s head is like Homer Simpson’s when he has that little cartoon jingle going on in it all the time, only in Philip’s head is a loop of him singing the ‘pants on your head’ song and guffawing at himself. They call out at a passer by and ask if he wants to buy a rug. The man asks if it’s blue. Philip says he needs to sell it and will offer £50. The man says he wants blue. Mona says ‘there’s blue in it’. The man is all ‘are you avin’ a larf?’ He says he’ll give them £50 because it’s brand new (and he’s on telly). He goes off and Lorraine says ‘that was the gem’ and she feels the rug and the shoes were the valuable items. Philip says ‘you never fail to disappoint, you didn’t say anything about the rug all day and now you’re changing your tune’. A whole nation throws darts at their tellies.

Boardroom.

Sralan says some of those products were worth more than you thought, bit like him, not much to look at but worth lots. He asks if Ben was a good team leader. A couple of the team go ‘alright’ in the most damning-with-faint-praise way ever. Sralan asks if he’s tired. Ben says ‘exhausted’. Sralan says ‘never mind’. He asks Ben if it was too tough for him. Ben says yeah but no but yeah but no.

He asks if Philip was a good team leader and if they've gotten over last week. Lorraine says yes, they were professional. Philip talks about the books and Sralan makes a racialist slur by saying he can’t understand Philip’s accent. He asks if anyone else made valuations. Lorraine says she wanted to value the rug but no-one else did and she didn’t want to cause trouble like on the previous task. Sralan says ‘but you were right last time’. Yes, and you told her off for it. Margaret calls her the ‘Cassandra’ of the team, which no-one else in the room gets, but Margaret is clearly on a BBC-sponsored mission to educate and inform us about classical mythology, so now we all know that Cassandra was a 'prophetess' who was always right but nobody listened to. Sralan says Lorraine needs to speak up, which is exactly the opposite of what he told her last week, so I think the poor bladdy woman's on a hiding to nothing, and tells Philip off for not taking any notice of his team.

Sralan will be calculating profit/loss on what they sold against what the items were worth. Impire make a loss of £96 and Egnite make a THUMPING net loss of £269. Sralan says as far as Philip’s team are concerned they won, but not for him as they made a bladdy loss. He says Philip’s mind is like concrete, fully mixed but set in its ways. Heh. He says their prize is truffle tasting, but not the chocolate kind. Kate cheers and everyone else looks nonplussed, presumably as they’d prefer chocolate.

The other team need to prepare themselves and they’re gonna need that bladdy commode as one of them’s gonna get fired.

At the meal, Philip says he’s always wanted this to happen to him, although we’re not clear what the ‘this’ is and he says there must be a real difference between cheap wine and other stuff because what they’re drinking is really smooth. No shit, Sherlock. He toasts ‘Cassandra’ for putting up with him and she looks displeased because she knows he's learned fuck-all this past couple of tasks.

Loser café is looking even more crumbly than ever. Yasmina says ‘it’ll be interesting to see where Sralan points us to apportion the blame’, clearly proving she will know how to read a boardroom should she end up leading a team in there. Interesting. Debrabarr VTs that she doesn’t know who’ll get fired but it won’t be her.

Sralan says anyone with half a brain cell would sit down and work out where the gems are in the pile of stuff and work out what to sell. Why didn’t that happen? It didn’t happen in the other team either, which might suggest that your instructions were a crock of shit. I’m just saying. Sralan says they failed in identifying prices and seemed to think it was important to sell at any price because for the first time ever they were clearly thinking of previous tasks. Nick says Ben closed the deal with the skeleton. Noorul says ‘no he didn’t, I did’. Nick says erm no you dickweed, you floundered about and Ben had to step in.

Sralan asks Debrabarr what the problem was and she says the division of items didn’t work, they should have divided them equally. Yasmina jumps in on her very quickly and says she’s making the same point over and over again and Debrabarr is just a vortex of negativity. Debrabarr says she sold the most and didn’t cause any rift in her group (Ben: ‘that’s cos I didn’t let you’). Nick says Ben was instrumental in the books. Debrabarr says ‘Nick, how can you say that? I sold it and Ben was just there’ and although SHE DID NOT just shout at Nick, she is actually completely in the right here. Ben flounders, because he knows he did fuck all, and ends up saying ‘are you disagreeing with Nick?’

Sralan tells her off for talking to Nick like he’s a second-class citizen, and really, she should totally know better than to react like that in the boardroom, but I can understand her frustration. However, making an enemy of Nick is never a good move, and this could come back to bite her in future weeks.

Sralan asks Ben who he’ll bring back. Ben says when you decide you look at how people have done over the whole competition. Sralan says ‘no you won’t, that’s my job, you pick on this task, you asswipe’. Ben says he’ll bring back Noorul and… Deke. Deke and Sralan are all ‘Deke? Read the room’ so Ben says ‘oh no no I was deliberating between Deke and Debra’. Debra says BRING IT LOSERBOY and Ben flimflams that he’ll bring Debra, he doesn’t know what James contributed. Sralan asks if he was bringing back Deke because a village was missing its idiot. In the end it’s Debra and Noorul. Noorul says ‘you’d better have good reasons for bringing me back’. Oh, Noorul.

Nick, Margaret and Sralan conflab and Nick says Ben’s lost his fighting spirit, and this from a man who got an offer from Sandhurst. Margaret: ‘he didn’t actually GO there, though, did he?’

Sralan says Ben looks like a defeated man. Ben says 'I CAN WIN', which is apparently this year’s MAKE ME PM and 'the man to my left doesn’t have any qualities'. Noorul tries to defend himself and the two of them shout over each other. Noorul says he was brought in because he had the balls to say the strategy was flawed because the others were shitting it in case speaking up puts them in the bottom three, which is the only insightful thing he’s said all series. Ben shouts that his strategy was fine. Debrabarr tries to argue and he shouts at her to shut up and LET ME FINISH. Debrabarr says ‘when you’re finished, will you let me know?’. Heh.

He moans at Debrabarr about being ‘corrosive’ and she says they should have divided the items up. He says ‘that’s got nothing to do with it’ (even though he had five items to flog at the last minute). They all bicker and Ben shouts and whinges that the other two shout too much. He says he brought Debrabarr back because she was rude about booksellers. Pot. Kettle. Debrabarr helpfully reminds him of this and he sniffles about how he didn’t and his MUM IS DEAD. Oh, wrong show.

Sralan asks Noorul why he shouldn’t be fired. Noorul says he sold three items (also: is it just me, or does Noorul look like a Halloween mask with those big dark circled hollow eyes of his?), and names the skeleton as one of these and the bike as another. Sralan says he sold the bike at a lower price than anything else. He says Ben is volatile and didn’t do anything, he’s rude, arrogant and doesn’t let anyone speak. This is usually the cure for Sralan to make some comment about how someone reminds him of his youth, so I’m not excited it’s going anywhere. Sralan says Ben talks down to so many people, he’s getting a rick in his neck looking up. Noorul thinks Ben should be fired.

Debrabarr thinks Ben should go for being an asswipe and Ben thinks Noorul should go because Sralan hates him and has had it in for him for weeks he’s sat on the fence throughout the competition. Noorul tries to defend himself and Ben goes ‘just let me finish (big huffy sigh), just let me finish’. Noorul tells him to speak properly and justify his reasons. Ben fails to do so.

Sralan asks why Ben shouldn’t be fired. He says I’m a good leader and I’m really really good at it and I CAN DO THIS. Noorul says Ben’s always on about his magazine deals. Ben says ‘that’s unfair, I say that erm, as a joke’. Sralan’s bladdy eyes go through his bladdy eyebrows.

Sralan is worried Ben is a broken man because of his age, which is not 24. Ben shakes his head. Sralan says Noorul is a bit lucky and other people have been outraged he hasn’t been brought into the boardroom when they were. Debrabarr, I can’t put up with someone with a mouth like yours, trust me love, you’re nothing special (but you could easily come in second). However, Noorul, to no-one’s surprise whatsoever, you’re fired. He tells Debrabarr never to shoot her mouth off like that again but fails to warn Ben for being a total cunt. He says whoever employs Noorul better get a receipt. That’s us isn’t it, from our taxes? Money back, NOW.

Coatwatch, boring and grey. How appropriate. (Although I’m secretly excited that it’s grey and not black). Noorul gives the usual ‘Sralan made the wrong choice’ spiel, but I don’t think he believes it.

Crackden apts. They are split over who should return, but ‘Cassandra’ thinks it’ll be Debrabarr in a shock firing. Ben and Debrabarr return. Deke tells Ben he gives it all mouth and then he crapped his pants. Beginning to love Deke, despite him clearly being a bit crap.

Next week: trade sales, which is always cause for much epic failery, although two sales tasks in two weeks is a little badly planned.

Working at the car wash (yeah)

Welcome back to another year of London porn, 110%, the best salespeople in Europe (after Jennifer Maguire of course), epic fails and, if rumours are to be believed, the return of our favourite ever task, shopping channel week, later in the series. Steven, Fiona, Joel and I (and possibly Carrie occasionally) will be here to recap it all for you week by week in all its 'glory'.

Every now and then we get asked how to play the drinking game - there are no hard and fast rules, but essentially any business cliche, London porn, mention of 110%, appeal to be project manager, eyeball roll from Margaret, pursed lips from Nick and so on are the things to watch out for. This week I'll give you some handy DRINK hints, but forgive us if we don't bother doing that after this time - we'd clearly end up with a blog that was impossible to read (and you'd end up without a liver, so be careful kids).

Opening voiceover: The job interview from hell, Britain's brightest business prospects (ahem) yadda yadda yadda.

And into the obligatory 'I'm great, me' VTs we go:

'Making money is better than sex' (Ben) 'I am outstanding, it's a given. I'm intelligent, articulate, eloquent' (Anita) 'Making money's more important than being popular' (Phil) 'I'm a winner. I'm a winner every single month that I do what I'm paid to do' (and by that token so are the rest of us, yay, we win, everyone) (Debra), 'I was born to do great things' (Majid), errr... 'I'm a rough, tough cream puff from New York'. Bless you Kimberly, but I don't think you've got the hang of this thing yet.

They'll fight it out for a 'top' job with a six figure salary (I half expected that to have been 'credit-crunched' this series).

'People say it's the taking part that counts. Rubbish, it's the winning that counts' (DRINK!)(Noorul). The others clearly didn't give good enough VT.

Here's Sralan, who started out selling car aerials from the back of a van (DRINK!) and here are some snazzy close up shots of his face iterspersed with a few choice boardroom Sralan moments from later in the series, although none of them are as memorable as those from previous series. Someone didn't sell, apparently. He now heads up a 'vast' business empire rather than an umpteen-hundred-million pound one, so clearly its value is depreciating... helicopters, London porn (DRINK) and Sralan saying 'first prize is working for me, second prize is a lucrative media career for a year, a few days of public adulation, lots of 'you woz robbed' headlines and more money than the winner will get, plus the bonus of not having to have the life drained out of you at NotAmstrad for a year or more'. Or rather that's what he should be saying. He actually says 'second prize doesn't exist'.

The voiceover calls them 'YOUNG business prospects'. They may be young, but are they 24? That's young, you know. The voiceover is all over the 16 candidates thing, which bags the question of whether this was recorded pre-contestant 16 jumping ship (he was on You're Fired. He seemed a bit of a twat. Some very strange men I know thought he was attractive).

NotFrances calls them into the boardroom where Sralan delivers the news that one of the men has 'bottled it' and 'you can't even blame me cos I've never met him'. They laugh nervously as he lectures them about being able to put up with pressure. He wants to find out if they're good with words as he knows the words to 'Candle in the Wind' but it don't make him Elton John, which I don't entirely get, and neither do they judging by the two people giving a vague nervous laugh in response. He then gets a slight dig at Helene Speight in by saying 'don't tell me you're a Global strategist, cos you're talking a load of balls'. He tells them he's as hard to play as a Stradivarius (which, no. Make me PM Sralan! I'm a good Jewish boy like you Sralan! I worked hard from the ground up Sralan! I made sure I kept showing the product in the advert Sralan!) whilst they are as easy to play as bongo drums (as a percussionist I reserve the right to huff a bit here). He's looking for a diamond and reminds them that a diamond started out as a piece of coal but then came good. So is he actually looking for a piece of coal then? Grubby, a bit useless and needs to be crushed? Actually, that's possibly fair, going on several previous winners.

Close ups on people's scary boardroom-blue coloured eyes as we get our first look at the contestants. My PVR is currently paused on the face of someone who looks nothing like anyone in the publicity shots. I'm guessing it's Yasmin but if so, it must be her on a bad, bad day, as her skin looks rough, her hair's a mess and she looks nothing like the fierce-Jennifer-Maguire-bitch-potential-esque person I imagined.

Sralan tells us he was never afraid to dirty his hands (DRINK) and their first task will involve them getting their hands dirty. They have to clean things - toilets, windows, anything. They have some vans with equipment, every time they take something from it, they'll be charged, and the team who makes the most profit wins. Got that, everyone? Good.

They have ten hours of hard graft ahead, which seems quite a lot of time to be cleaning, actually. James and Philip introduce themselves to each other, and this is the first instance in the episode of anyone being named (this series has got so lazy with its opening episodes since it moved to BBC One and assumed everyone was well-versed in the pre-publicity. I mean, most of us are, but that's no reason to get cocky about it). Some of the other men talk about their job and Noorul (who actually gets a name tag) shuts them all up by boasting that he's a teacher, he likes to stand out in his job (which is surely the point, I mean you don't want the kids thinking you're one of them. I teach students and occasionally get mistaken for one and it's embarrassing). In his best Manc accent he tells us he looks posh and talks posh, which: no. Also, way to go, Mr Choudhury, abandoning your class to appear on a reality show that you'll never even win (see also Beverly from that show with all the dead relatives and Westlife songs).

The third Appleton sister, working a nice shirt and waistcoat (Kate Walsh) tells us she's not a dumb blonde, she's a straight A student and that's why she should be the next apprentice. One thing in your favour: if a bladdy woman has to win, it's likely to be the pretty blonde. One thing against: the last pretty blonde woman to win did a bladdy runner.

Anita is the complete package (DRINK) and has the rainbow of skills, apparently. She's a lawyer that doesn't work as a lawyer. Debra, who looks like the bastard offspring of Sharon Horgan and a Moomin, says she doesn't think anyone's background will be a particular advantage. Anita sneers and turns her back.

We're told it's hard to start a business in the recession (DRINK, for I feel recession/credit-crunch relevance will be a recurring theme). They discuss what to clean and Jo Cameron mk2 (Paula) suggests 'people'.

They arrive at a warehouse that the men think looks like a mafia den. Poor Kimberly proves her inability to be on this show by being jolly and suggesting they call themselves Shazam. Bless. The others piss themselves and she looks quite hurt. Noorul suggests 'Carpe diem which is like seizing the day' in a clear attempt to prove he's of superior intellect to the others, which: that's the one bit of Latin every buuger in the world knows, and you pronounced it Carp-like-a-fish Deeyemm, so score one for the 'standards in our schools are slipping' brigade. [People on this show should really steer clear of Latin-inspired team names - I remember a team on the third season of the US version mispronouncing 'magna cum laude'. - Steve]

Philip suggests Empire, as it's distinctly British and reminds us of the greatest nation and of us once being a super-power, and I sure as hell hope he's not a secret BNP man. They settle on Empire anyway. [Let's hope future tasks involve setting up a record shop and a magazine. - Steve] The women want something strong and not stupid. They debate Genesis briefly, before settling on Ignite.

Time for the poisoned chalice of first PM of the series. The men fight about it, with both Philip and Howard (who runs ten pubs apparently) fighting for that. The women all pretend they have no business experience because they know exactly how dodgy being the first PM is. Mona leads the discussion and essentially talks herself into it. She says 'it's a cleaning task for god's sake so we've got to win'. This will not be the last time this series that sexist stereotypes are employed. The yellow pages are out, roles are allocated, Anita is put in charge of the women's spending, the music playing is full of doom. This may be important.

Howard tells the men to work our what they will spend as this will help them work out the profit. He sends them off in the dark and the next minute we see them in the sunlight. Eerie. They're going to wash cars but Howard suggests not taking on jobs that involve cleaning the interiors. Philip's VT. He gives a paltry 100%. Tut tut, Philip. The non-car wash men are going to clean shoes.

Mona pronounces her name 'Monna', much to the displeasure of everyone on the interweb, who all recall the great Craig McLachlan hit and now can't use it. The women are also cleaning cars but can't agree on how much to spend. Nick VTs something about getting a spanking in the boardroom. Ooh-err. Anita says they've used their budget wisely and have come within budget at £196-something. [And looks to Nick for approval - he's not your PM, dear. - Steve] The other women fear they've spent too much money. This may be important. Just a hunch, y'know.

The men pitch to a man to clean cars for £17 a unit. He tells them they can do it for £15 and they settle on £16. It's all pretty quick. He tells them they'll only pay for work they're happy with. James compares unravelling a hose to Sudoku. James says he's looking for a 'doer' on this task. The men start to lean a car before the doors are closed. With a jetwash. Oh.

The women negotiate to clean some of those fugly hummer limo things you get for stag and hen dos. They offer £300 and the business owner balks, saying their current supplier is way cheaper. Mona asks what their supplier does for them and he lists the works. I am dying for someone to offer a 24-hour hotline here, but sadly not. He says his current supplier charges £20 a car and the women are all 'THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE'. Mona tells him he's got his figure wrong. Good start.

The other half of the women's team, led by Debra, say they'll do the cars on the front for £80 all in and then pitch for the other ten in the showroom at £10 a time. No-one told them it was impossible to clean cars for under £20. They need to ask one of the car showroom staff how to work the pressure washer. Nick tuts (DRINK).

Mona's half are 'haggling', offering to do £60 per hummer. They come down to £45 and the men concede they can do it for £40 because of the telly cameras (I presume) and Mona says they;ll get a good job because they're women, not stinky men. To a couple of men. Oh, Mona.

At St Pancras station, and Howard, Maj and Noorul are cleaning shoes, which makes me think someone's been playing Animal Crossing: in the City and taking tips from that. Expect fortune tellers, forged paintings and pink hair makeovers later in the series if so.

With the car washing men, their client tells them off for washing the car with the doors open and disses their cleaning because the cars are, you know, not actually clean. Howard rings them to discover they're finishing off their first car. He sighs and decides to bring his half of the team over. Phil snarks that Howard won't be able to clean a car. In the cab Howard moans that he told them not to clean the outside. Maj says they can't lose to girls: 'I'm not a sexist but...', which is the equivalent of 'I'm not a racist but...'

One of the hummer limos drives away and it really is the ugliest car I've ever seen. Back with Debra's team, and they didn't do a fantastic job, with ace mad cleaning skillz as great as the men's. The man at the showroom points out there are five cars left and there isn't time. Debra's all 'we can do five in an hour easy' and he's like 'well it took you three hours to clean four so do the maths'. He then says 'it's great that you've done these' in the kind of patronising manner you use for praising a three year old whose big brown splodge on paper is meant to be you. It's even funnier because he looks about twelve.

Notalie Appleton phones the others and pretends their epic fail is a 'change of plan'. She has a ridiculous sidegob, almost worthy of Pirate Jessie.

The men regroup and that Western music they always use for stand-offs, which I'm sure one of the others will know the name of. Margaret VOs, Churchill-stylee that 'never have so few cars been washed by so many people in such a long time' and doubts their ability to break even.

Notalie begs a man for business and the other ladies accost people in the car park of a shopping centre (DRINK). Lorraine jumps in front of a car shouting 'stop' then says 'I'm not scary honest. Oh, clearly I am'. Heh.

Debra gets frustrated and phones Mona to moan about the other team members (DRINK). The teams regroup, London porn (DRINK), Philip VTs about how crap Howard is. It's only half an hour into the show. How long will this boardroom be? Mona VTs about how she's been a fantastic team leader.

NotFrances sends them through. Sralan jokes about Ignite setting the world alight and calls Mona 'Mono'. American Kimberly says she thinks Mona did a good job of keeping people under control, Kate snarks that she was crap and Mona was all 'so why didn't you make yourself PM, bitch?' Sralan jokes that Howard was the emperor for the day, and I will never get the image of the Empire Stores Catalogue out of my head when thinking of this team from now on. Phil bitches that shining shoes was rubbish and Ben backs him up.

Figures. Ignite took £35 and spent £196.45 = £160.55 profit. Empire took £347, spent £107.39 = profit of over £239. Empire win, Howard looks 'surprised'. He says 'relieved'. Sralan comes over all The Queen and says 'one's going to congratulate you on it'. They win cocktails.

The loser cafe looks slightly different, and in fact more prison like. Mona demands answers and the others are appalled, but Mona bitches that her half of the team did better than the others. She calls Debra on her bitchy phone call. Debra is all 'Anita is crap at cleaning cars'. The whole thing descends into shouting.

The men go back to the NEW! PENTHOUSE! LUXURY! house. Someone says it's 'so feng shui'. [Which: no. Be quiet, whoever you were. - Steve] Oh. There's a fishtank, which is rumoured to have one fish per contestant, which will dwindle during the series. There only look to be about two fish in it from the brief glimpse I get so maybe the others are all hiding. It's bright blue, though, like the boardroom. Nice touch.

Someone else feels like P Diddy and another one does the 'I'm the King of the World' schtick on the balcony. The cocktails are poured, jollity ensues. There's an impressive bit where one of the bartenders pours four different cocktails at once.

The women arrive back and start talking, and I hope for a moment we're going to get the first night of everyone hating each other stuff we got in series 1-3, but it's not to be, as 'the boardroom awaits'. I won't be impressed if the rest of the series is all twenty-plus minute long boardroom. I mean, the boardroom is great, but it doesn't need to be more than fifteen minutes max.

Debra says she knows Mona will take her to the boardroom and if she doesn't, it'll be a waste of a good suit.

In the boardroom Debra bitches about Mona being crap. Mona says 'we wasted time' in the most long-winded way possible but admits she's not right about everything, she's human, she's here to learn and at least she had the courage to be PM unlike this lot who are all mouth and no trousers. She says Anita was given the job of costing. Sralan points out they didn't have a 'budget', they had to spend as little as possible. Notalie says she can see this, Sralan's all 'why didn't you speak up then?'.

They bitch about who made what decision. Sralan says to Anita 'didn't it occur to you that the way to win was to spend less'. Anita looks dumbfounded at a leading question, so he tries again 'didn't you think to question it?' she flounders some more and says there was a team of strong individuals and she didn't want to be a strong individual as well. Sralan hasn't got a bladdy clue (DRINK).

Mona decides to bring Debra and Anita back. Debra says everyone on her sub-team a did great job and Mona says 'so why bitch about them on the phone to me then?'. Margaret calls them a complete shambles (DRINK).

Mona says Debra was a rubbish group leader, has failed her and has failed the task. She says Debra is dishonest. Debra says they lost because Mona didn't delegate early enough and they spent too much money. Mona says Debra's half of the team didn't sell as much. Sralan says he can understand why Mona thinks she's done better. Nick says the failing to win ten cars and £100 was a problem. Anita says she added up some sums, which was what she was asked to do. Sralan says 'you were elated at being in budget? What bladdy budget?'. Anita says with hindsight she can appreciate she should have done more. Sralan asks what she'll bring to his party. She says she's hungry for it (DRINK) and really really wants the job (DRINK) and doesn't think she was responsible for the failure. Debra says she worked hard and is different from people who want to remain under the radar. Mona says she made a profit and the people they worked with WOULD refer them unlike the other half of the team. Sralan says how do you know? The other two snark that they needed to plan. Nick points out they'd have won if Debra's half had cleaned the other ten cars. Debra gives Nick a bitchface, which will surely come back to haunt her.

Srals says Mona has shown spirit, but no business acumen, Anita saw the money flow out, Debra, at the end of the day (DRINK) is seriously responsible for a lot of the things that went out. His gut instinct is telling him something. Anita put herself forward as one of Britain's best business prospects but showed no initiative - Anita, you're fired. Sralan says Anita showed no business acumen. Nick sharpens his knives for future use and says Debra should count herself lucky.

Coat watch: stylish but boring black thing.

Back at the house, Notalie says they made more money, Phil says they made more profit, Ben businessclichés (DRINK) that 'turnover is vanity, profit is sanity'. Everyone whoops and cheers at the returnees, which I doubt will happen in future weeks. They all laugh and joke.

Anita is bitterly disappointed, and 'without appearing to have a chip on my shoulder I think Sralan doesn't like lawyers. Let's sit and see if in ten year's time he doesn't think that maybe I made the wrong decision'. Yes, let's see.

Next week: cookery task! Yay! And the men wear togas. Ummm.....

Toy Story 2

Previously on The Apprentice Does Comic Relief: London porn! Ten celebrities had to design a toy! The ladies made a velcro suit and one of my friends enjoyed Carol and Ruby getting stuck together a little too much. The boys created a ‘swap belt’ that would have cost the earth to produce. Gok dressed some tables in Jordan’s vomit, Jonathan annoyed the life out of Jack, Michelle and Pasty had a big row about very little, Gerald Ratner revealed his ACE BIZNISS SKILLZ again by saying theirs was a ‘shit or bust’ product. Alan Sugar decided the boys’ product would cost too much bladdy money so the girls won.

Tonight: one of them will be fired. Whether that means the other nine will have to work for NotAmstrad for the rest of their days is not disclosed.

Sralan discusses the result with Nick and Margaret. Nick says Sralan isn’t as enthusiastic as he would be about the belt, which conjures up some strange mental imagery for me of Nick walking round with Bootay and co dangling from his waist. Sralan explains the rules about the PM’s role for anyone who’s missed the series proper.

NotFrances sends them in and they all adjust their clothing a bit. They go in and Jack gets a seat this time. Sralan says the girls’ product was no bladdy rocket science but it was more viable in terms of making money. He asks Gerald if they’ve done any market research. Gerald says they haven’t. Sralan says their market research was just talking to one kid in a shop, and the kid named it. Gok says he thinks this was a genius thing. Jonathan backs this up by saying the name Pokemon came from a kid in Japan. this raises interesting questions about how Jonathan's kids were named.

Sralan says it’s crazy for them to say it’s going to work, Gerald says it’s crazy to say it won’t. Sralan says listen you daft twatjob who put his own firm under by calling it crap and therefore I have every right to look down on you, despite selling products that were just as crap, I’m telling you why it won’t work. Gerald says kids love it and it’s sexy (umm… and here we’re back to the ‘intimacy’ issues of the previous episode) and he’d rather listen to someone like Gok to a pen-pusher who tells him what it’ll cost. This is not what retailing’s about, it’s about gut instinct. Says the failed retailer. He says they’d have sold it at a profit. ‘No you wouldn’t’ says Sralan. Sralan boasts about his former market share of 23% and Jonathan says ‘that’s some got penetration right there’. Gerald says if you’ve got a hot line (a 24-hour one?) and the kids all want it… and Sralan cuts him off by pointing out the number of children in that market isn’t that huge in the first place. Jonathan says yes, but they’ll all buy loads of them, not just one or two, and actually sounds a bit serious for the first time all show.

Sralan says he knows a lot of ordinary people who would tell their kiods they’re not wasting any more bladdy money on more toot when they’ve got their Tamagoochi (sic) egg still around. They all have a big circular argument about it, which gets rather tedious. Sralan says no-one’s taking responsibility. Jonathan says it’s because no-one agrees with him. Gok sighs that they’re all a bit gutted because they have put *so much* into it. I do feel that being Gok must be quite tiring, having to have a strong emotive response to everything.

Time for Gerald to decide who to bring back. He thinks they all gave him support and Jonathan performed well (by, umm, tightrope walking on a sofa?) and Gok designed it, so they shouldn’t come back. Sralan thanks them and Gok blows everyone a kiss as they leave.

End of part one.
What feels like hours later, somewhere around midnight…

Terri Seymour and Simon Cowell doing a VT together? Haven’t they split up? Or are they back together again? My celebrity gossip radar is so lacking.

Fern and Alan are presenting and she ribs him a bit about losing and being brought back into the boardroom.

More London porn. Gerald looking serious and Alan cracking up in the waiting room. Sralan tells Nick and Margaret the men are being belligerent and Margaret says they should have brought Gok back. Sralan says Jonathan gave a good presentation and seemed to run the team. Nick says he enthused them all, so full marks to him. Are these hints as to who will win series five? A glorified cheerleader?

Gerald interviews that he’s not been a good PM. Jack says he takes failure on the chin until it eats away at him and he becomes unbearably depressed. Alan says he’s never been told ‘you’re fired’ but ‘Alan don’t come back on Monday’. Gerald doesn’t seem to be getting the game, really. NotFrances sends them through, and Gerald has the look of a condemned man on his face.

Sralan says they’re all in violent disagreement about his decision and asks Jack why he shouldn’t be fired. He reels off some Apprenticecliches – I gave my all, I didn’t let anyone down (no 110%, sadly) and says he thinks Nick should be fired for doing nothing and acting as if he wasn’t in the team, and he borrowed money off him. Sralan says it’s the first time he’s heard accusations against his advisors.

Sralan says ultimately the leader, the business man should be responsible, shouldn’t they, and Gerald, ever the PR master, says yeah, if you want to fire me, fire me. Jack says ‘that’s no attitude’. Gerald says they did a good job and he’s responsible. Sralan says he’s spoken to the people from the industry who said ‘this ain’t a runner’. Gerald snarks he spoke to people who said it was a good idea. Jack Dee says he watches The X Factor and sometimes Simon Cowell says ‘I think I’ve made a mistake’ and they run and get the person back, and Sralan could do that, get the girls back and fire them instead. Alan says the girls’ product was laughable. Jack says it’s highly flammable and you could get stuck to the carpet, the health and safety implications are terrifying. There’s then some bizarre conversation about socks and Alan doing a LOL!STRAIGHT!NOT RLY! joke about Carol.

Sralan asks why he shouldn’t fire Alan. He says he’s an all-rounder and he can rap. He bigs up Jonathan and Gok and says he provided the tea and coffee. Sralan: ‘a bit of a runner then?’ Alan says sometimes you need to gee someone up and that’s his skill, he can’t run around shops getting fairy costumes. There’s then a bizarre interlude where Sralan compares them to the three wise men.

Sralan says the fault lies firmly with the team leader who is a ‘respected’ businessman and perhaps got carried away. He’s struggling to understand what Jack did other than being miserable. Alan is a very very nice fella with a miserable team leader and this miserable bloke over there. He says he’s going to rescue him and take him away from the miserable environment – Alan you’re fired – start a new life. Maybe they really do work for NotAmstrad then? That's a very tantaslising prospect. Alan says so he’s the winner? Sralan – er yeah, yeah.

Is it just me, or was he expecting to sack Jonathan Ross and this all backfired? It's hardly a result. But then I don't think anything can top the first one of these with all the politicians and Piers Morgan and whatnot for tantalising results.

Sralan thanks the boys and says he hopes the products go somewhere and raise lots and lots of money. As no-one on the night announces imminent arrivals of either product in the shops, perhaps not.

No coat watch, as we don’t see Alan leave, but in the car he feigns crying and blames those bloody gurus who talked to Sralan. I think he means the toy people and not Nick and Margaret.

That's all from us for now, but we'll be back in a couple of weeks for all the highs and lows and misogyny and London Porn and business cliche of series five. Join us then!

Release the hounds.

Week Eleven. Original air date 4th June.

Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. These people want jobs. Sralan is as a god to you loathsome plebs. You know the score. Previously, the team tried to sell rides in cars. Michael’s insult your customer and then cry technique failed and he was, finally, fired. Lee was the ‘latest in a long line of project managers’ to clash with Lucinda.

Alex got £10,000 of business selling rides in shiny cars to men with small penises who wanted to compensate for it. He really was terribly good at that. Hmm. And apparently the economy really is in a bad state, because inflation is spiralling so badly that the £8,000 Alex made last week has risen to £10,000 in just a week. Stupid show. Sralan told Helene she was boring and shit.
Early morning call. Various candidates perform various ablutions. Shirtless Lee. Whatevs. Not/Frances phones. They’re off to one of Sralan’s head offices. They all know this is when Sralan sets his personal attack dogs on them. Lee is nervous because he’s going to get ‘an arsechewing’. His words, not mine.

Lucinda earns over £100,00 a year, and has been on the winning side on eight out of ten tasks. And should have won the icecream one except for stupid flukey last minute sales. She’s determined and stuff. Claire has six losses, the most. [Except Alex has also been on the losing team six times, and unlike Claire, has actually been the project manager of a losing team. Funny how that got brushed under the carpet. - Steve] She says losing is character building. I admire her stoicism but it’s not like she could say anything else. Lee has never been brought back in to the boardroom on a losing team. He tries to draw a football analogy. And fails.
In the car, Claire goes ‘it’s so exciting’ in a crazy voice. Heart Claire a little bit.

Alex draws attention to the fact that, at 24, he is YOUNG. His CV is not ‘long in the tooth’. He’s dynamic and agile. I’m not sure what he thinks the final job is going to be, where agility is part of the remit. Oh well, at least he didn’t say ‘supple’. Or ‘lithe’. Helene is a pricing leader for a global corporation. I still don’t know what that means. She claims she has a good CV and it’s not bullshit and she’s giving everything she’s got. Yawn.

Funky spy music plays as the cars pull up. Lucinda is resplendent in red. Sralan introduces the interviews. His rottweilers will report back and three people will get fired tomorrow.
Lee’s claims that his arse is on the floor because he’s shitting himself. Enough. I don’t even want to think about Alex’s arse, let alone Lee’s. [I still think about Lee's arse on occasion, but not in this context - Fiona]

Sralan’s rottweilers are:
Property magnate Paul Kemsley. He is assigned to go after strength of character in the candidates. He calls Alex boring.
Claude Litner was Sralan’s troubleshooter but is now his own boss. He calls Lucinda unemployable.
Gordon Catchup, CE of Viglen, says to Claire ‘you’re not the apprentice are you?’
Karren Brady, MD of Birmingham City football club, is A Bladdy Woman. She has to focus on personal strengths of the candidates, because god forbid a woman actually try to assess people on business acumen. She pwns lee on his skills.

All these people, with the possible exception of Brady, are vile, so I reserve the right to have spelt their names wrong and refer to them as different people.

Lee again says he’s nervous. WE GET IT. All his hard work could be out the window.
He says ‘good to meet ya’ to Paul. First impressions, Lee. Paul says that Lee’s CV says he uses humour to lighten things and asks Lee to perform his ‘reverse pterodactyl’ impression. Lee wheels his arms backwards and squawks. It’s bizarre. And I want to know what a forward pterodactyl looks like, and why a reverse one is necessary. Paul didn’t find it funny, and Sralan wouldn’t either. He asks why Lee didn’t say no, that it was a serious interview, and he wasn’t going to mess around. The answer is because Lee is a puppy dog who is so desperate to please that if you kicked him in the face he’d apologise for getting spittle on your shoes. But he tries to prove his seriousness, by giving an example of when he fired a 42 year old man with kids, who begged for his job. Nice. [And going on what happens later, I bet he totally made this up - Rad]

In the waiting room, Lee complains to Claire he was called nice. Claire’s like, that’s good! Lee says nice guys don’t win. Claire’s, like, ‘oh’. [Tim Campbell, nice guy, winner. Michelle Dewberry/Simon Ambrose - hardly nasty. Winners - Rad] [Tell that to Simon's former tenants. - Steve]

Claude says Lucinda is unemployable. She says that she’s a contractor and has never been out of work, so she’s not unemployable, you twat, as people keep employing her. He says ‘isn’t it because you’re unemployable?’ and somehow tries to twist the fact that Lucinda can swoop in and demand a massive amount of money for various companies into the fact that she can’t get a permanent job. It’s the weakest argument ever. He says that Lucinda is shit at teamwork. That’s fairer. She does tend to pout a bit when she’s not in charge. He asks how it was with the team mates. She says it was a struggle.

Claire says to Helene that Lucinda will stutter and get told to shut up and does a little posh ‘em.. hem…but I’ impression which, though mean, is not inaccurate. Lucinda says people don’t like her because nice voice and funny dress sense. Claude says ‘what about listening?’ Lucinda reiterates that she can do teamwork. Claude remains unconvinced. In the waiting room, Lucinda says to the others, ‘What am I doing here? Do I want to be a permanent employee with little diversity? I’d be crawling the walls.’ [Why does anyone want to work for NotAmstrad? It sounds dreadful. I still don't think Tim or Michelle have recovered - Rad]

Claude talks to Claire. He doesn’t like how she’s been in cosmetic, it seems, because he rants on about it. She was a club rep. OH! That makes so much sense. She claims that she likes a drink and likes boys, but hasn’t done anything her grandma would be embarrassed by. In her company, she increased profit to £8million. She’s on £85k, her bonus was £27k. He says that she’s shit at negotiating and should have got more money if she made that much profit. Outside, Claire says he was hot and Neanderthal and she should have sucked his lips off. [Yet another mental image I didn't need - Fiona]

One of the male rottweilers says to Alex, ‘you work in a supermarket?’ Alex is like, was fuck you I’m a regional manager. The bloke, says ‘Your CV is shit’. Alex thanks him. Karren asks Alex what his substance is. He says I’m great for my age, which is 24. I’m the best 24 year old ever and have achieved more than should ever be possible for one so very, very young. I’m practically a foetus. Karen says, ‘I ran a football club at 23, twatnut, what else you got?’
Claude questions why Alex has ‘English (fluent)’ listed on his CV. Is that not a given, pretty boy? [Well, Lee probably couldn't put that on his... - Steve] Alex says that he, at 24, is better than his friends, who are also 24, and went to private school for 14 years. Claude asks Alex what he’ll offer Sralan. Alex says he’s adaptable. And 24. Claude is like stop talking shit and give me something to work with. Alex claims to be ‘motivational’. So he doesn’t really say anything at all.

Helene talks about how she’s ballsy and a rottweiler is like ‘you’re not ballsy, you’re A Bladdy Woman’ and she’s like ‘I ran a team of all male engineers, and took over from a man in his 40s and they resisted and I whipped their sorry arses into show, the same way I will do yours if you continue to question my ballsiness.’ He’s like, but you ‘re leaving that job, with the implication that she can’t handle it and is, in fact, not ballsy, and she’s like yes I fucking am leaving cos I’m better than that job.

Brady asks Helene her best most defining experience. She talks about her alcoholic parents meaning she had to leave school really early and fought her way up. Credit where it’s due, she isn’t keen to talk about it and doesn’t seem entirely to rely on it, so she’d never get anywhere on the X Factor. Karen asks if it makes Helene a stronger candidate? Yes! She then tells Karren she struggled with the process cos she’s not used to being surrounded by 15 gobshites. Which, HA!, but also, perhaps not the best turn of phrase in a job interview.

Lucinda meets Paul. She likes pressing flowers, scuba diving and Chinese medicine. He then says she’s not a serious business woman. Because if she were a serious business woman, she’d be a man. He say she’ll probably fuck off and open a yoga retreat in Nepal. Because yoga is the same as aromatherapy and Chinese medicine if you’re A Tough No-Nonsense Businessman. Lucinda says that if she’d wanted to open a yoga retreat in Nepal she’d have done it by now. He says ‘are you motivated by money?’ and Lucinda totally pwns him with ‘no, because I earn in excess of what they’re offering’.

In the waiting area, they all sit about and bitch about Lucinda not wanting the job. Lucinda says she’s struggled with the process of people cackling and shoving. She says the process wasn’t fair. Paul is like ‘you’re a stupid gobby bitch who likes flowers and I hate you because you’re not a cunt’. Lucinda says, ‘nice to meet you anyway’.

Alex is told to find some energy. He goes on about being on full commission, which proves he has Hardcore Biznizz Skillz. His family got forced to move out…so they went to a farm and sold rocks and made money. And that’s entrepreneurial. Well done. I might have missed a step, but I swear that’s what he said. [He did - he and his brother sold rocks and made £7000 A WEEK. Of course they did. - Rad]

Scary cellos of doom.

Claude rips apart Lee’s application because he made about a million spelling mistakes. Lee is disappointed by his ‘grammical’ errors. Claude is like, did you do a degree pussy boy? Lee’s like, nah I’m thick. I did a two-year course for my catering managerness. Claude is like the uni says you were there 4 months! You lying little scrote. Cluade is worried that someone’s able to bullshit and Lee’s like i’m not going to bullshit and Claude’s like you just did. Lee’s got a blip in his integrity but he was ashamed about being thick. Poor Lee. It’s not his fault he’s badly educated and perhaps dyslexic, but lying on your CV for The Apprentice was bladdy stupid.

Helene’s form said ‘I’ve dipped my toe in the sea of success and am ready to dive into the ocean of opportunity.’ Oh man.

Claire says Sralan calls her big gob motor mouth but she doesn’t like all talk and no action, and she gets things done. She expects high standards and if she wants an email by 10 am she wants it there at 10 am. If she didn’t get it, she’d yell, and if she didn’t get it again, she’d stop working with that person.

Karren’s like why do you want it Lucinda? You earn more money, you’re doing what you like. Lucinda says it’s not money, she wants to be the best she can in a role that stretches her. Karren, being a nasty bitch, goes to the appearance well and is a bit snide about Lucinda’s colourful clothes and berets. Lucinda says that she stands out, which isn’t a bad thing, and the minute she opens her mouth they know she means business. Lee asks how she did. Lucinda says she felt better in the afternoon than the morning andnow she does want it.

Lucinda to-cameras that she’s glad to do it because she’s not a quitter. She’s got the skills and credibility and personality. Claire says for every her you need 10 quieter people, but people like her bring the business forward. Lee talks about being thick some more and says he made a mistake and learned from it. Not so much a mistake as a deliberate act, piggy, but I’ll let you off.
They’re all done. Back at the house, Lee says, ‘tomorrow, three of you will get fired’ and Alex is like three of YOU? Helene says there’s no shame in going in final five. Other than the shame of wanting to be on The Apprentice in the first place, of course.

Next day. Board room./ The rottweilers sit opposite Sralan, like candidates. Sralan thanks them for their time and so on.

Gordon says Alex is nice, positive, really wants the job. He was impressed that Alex was commission-only. Paul says he thinks Alex will be surprised because he likes him – he’s young (JUST 24!!!) and ambitious. Karren says he’s charming and good looking. We cut back to her interviewing him about his good looks, and she says he should embrace it and shouldn’t be ashamed of it. Sralan’s like ‘I’veve always traded on my looks’. They lol. Karren says Alex is The Apprentice. Nick suddenly loves him too. Paul says ‘junior apprentice’ and suggests he might need more training up. [They have all been hypnotised by has magic cock, just like all the PMs were. It's the only explanation! - Rad] Claude don’t like him.

Another bloke says Lucinda is brilliant, intelligent, and would be a disaster. Paul says she could aromatherapy the office. Because she is A Bladdy Woman and women only know about flowers and Lucinda is the floweriest of all. Karren says shut up you cunt. Sralan says she was on winning tasks eight times, and was great at leading. But is she good at being a team member? Margaret is like she’s shit at that, and has tantrums. Gordon says she’s shit and she doesn’t need the money. Sralan says ‘I’ll make you be her boss if you’re not careful.’ [Hee - Rad]

On Lee, Paul says the dinosaur impression was shit but Lee is nice. But he winked on his way out, which was bad. So Lee makes a bad first impression and a bad last impression. Good job. We see Karren making Lee sell her a crappy biro. He does quite well, but I’m doubting Karren’s business sense if the best challenge she can come up with is ‘sell me this pen’. Karren says it was good. It’s his big chance cos he’s cheesy and brash. George brings up the two years at uni lie. If he’s done as well as he’s claimed then he doesn’t need to do that. He’s got a hang up on his qualifications. Paul’s like, I lied about my qualifications too! It’s fine! Claude won't dismiss Lee out of hand.

Karren thinks Claire is fantastic, She knows everything about her business, and is a doer, and ‘if you don’t give her a job, I will’. She’s been on a journey. Oh, sorry. I mean, Been On A Journey. Claude doesn’t like her. Paul says she’s nice and he can see her in the canteen leading people in the Birdy Song because she is A Bladdy Woman. George says she won’t shut up. We cut to Claire gabbling about how she talks. Sralan talks about how she listened when he told her to shut up. One of the rottweilers says it’s an act and that she actually won’t shut up, ever. Which, so what? Whether she’s shut up or has pretended to shut up, so long as she’s quiet, who gives?

Claude likes Helene. She had a hard background. Sralan says ‘don’t care!’ [You cared a lot when it was Michelle, enough to fawn all over her and give her the job, you tosspot - Rad] Claude is like, ‘if you let me finish you cunt, she left school early because she was forced to work and not cos she’s thick and she’s actually kind of awesome’. Karren agrees. Paul says put her in the backroom because she is A Bladdy Woman and can’t be trusted. Karren says she lost her way a bit, but her upbringing is significant. Sralan says blah ‘I don’t like sob stories’ and Karren’s like, shut up, she’s good, her background is relevant, and she didn’t want to actually talk about it. Sralan thanks them all and especially Karren for being a lady. Srsly. He’s like, ‘and thanks especially to Karren for being A Bladdy Woman and giving us important perspective on Bladdy Woman issues like how the candidates smell and whether or not kittens are pretty’. [I'd have been more offended by this if Karren hadn't spent so long focusing on how pretty she thinks Alex is. - Steve]

Nick says that it’s odd that there was no clear favourite. Is it? Sralan says there are five good candidates and ‘Let’s call the apprentices in’. Apprentices in potentia, surely? Sralan says it was different from a task but still difficult. Sralan says to Alex – they don’t think you came alive in the interviews. Did you not think it was important? Alex is like I totally did but I don’t lose my temper. [No, he just gets snitty and defensive. That's way better. - Steve] Sralan is like I don’t like people who lose their temper. Alex manages not to lol in Sralan’s face and is like, l’m softly spoken but gave it my best. Sralan says Lee has worked in recruitment so it should have been a breeze. He asks what Lee thinks of people who overflower their CVs? What would you have done if someone had lied about education on their CV? Lee says he’d evaluate how important the lie was. Sralan says it puts into doubt how true the rest of his CV is.

Sralan says Claire took on board the too much talking thing. But you were talking again. Claire says they were intimidating and she’s chatty. So awesome. He says aren’t you lying and pretending to be quiet just to please me? Fuck off. That’s a bloody stupid thing to say and it doesn’t even matter. This really looks like they’re trying to build a ‘justification for Claire not getting the job’ edit. She says ‘I’ve changed since the first week, but I don’t think I should change completely.’ You go, girl.

Sralan says to Lucinda that as team leader, your teams thought you were great, but when you’re not in charge it’s crap. Lucinda says ‘I do like authority’ and Sralan says ‘I’m the boss’ and she’s like ‘I know you twat’. Another bullshit argument because, yes, she wouldn’t be in charge of everything, but she’d clearly be in charge of whatever wrecker’s yard in Basildon Sralan puts the apprentice in.

Alex sweeps in with a bit of ‘oh mim mim mim, by the way Miss, she said she didn’t want it’ and Lucinda’s like ‘I said I wasn’t sure, but I thought about it, and I do’ and Alex is like ‘you’re an airy fairy bitch’ and she’s like ‘I don’t need the job I want it, I’m taking a pay cut, so it’s obvious I want it, unlike you fucking wimps who are desperate, I can afford to do this for the hell of it’. Helene and Alex mim mim mim some more about how they do need the job. [Alex is such a disingenuous little snake. That was unforgivable, and I hope that every potential employer watching realises what a total bastard he is and never hires him for anything ever. - Steve]

Sralan says he has to decide who’s leaving and tells Helene that he’s a bit at sea with what she’s got to offer. Helene says ‘I’m not good at sales, but I did lots of things, unlike these twunts who do sales all the time and did sales when they came here, proving that they’re good at selling watches from the lining of a jacket, but little else. I’d have got fired from my Big American Company if I was shit, simple as that.’

He tells Alex that he’s young but ‘I want someone rounded’. Alex calls himself a partially painted canvas.

He tells Lucinda she’s a very clever lady, but asks if she’s channelled it correctly? She says she found it horrific to go through the process. He says ‘I warned you’. She’s like I lead awesomely and you know it. He says she’s too zany. And is fired. [Still - too zany is a fine enough reason to be fired - Rad] She gets her wheely case and leaves.

Lee is told to defend himself on CV lies. Lee says ‘I deliver! I have never failed to deliver as a leader or team member.’

Claire – ‘same thing, come on’. Not the same thing cos she didn’t change her CV so doesn’t have to defend it. She says she took a lot of critique – she means criticism – but kept coming back for more because she wants to learn. He goes on about how she talks too much and doesn’t listen. WHICH IS NOT TRUE.

But I’m going to let you stay. I’m going to let you all stay! Woohoo! Party! So yeah. They’re all in the final except Lucinda. Great. Sralan says ‘unusual final, but fair cos they’re all contenders’ [Or 'they're all bladdy useless, so let's see how they get on with a few months' working at NotAmstrad before I decide - Rad]

Eviction Coat watch. Kind of white and black giraffe print. Awesome, of course. Sralan says she’s a mystery and will never be in the company. Nick says ‘damn straight, girlfriend’. In the cab, Lucinda says she hasn’t been herself. She doesn’t yell about how she is great. Her accent wasn’t liked, the way she dresses wasn’t liked but she doesn’t care because ‘I am who I am and I don’t have to answer to them’. Go you! Heart Lucinda. She’s too good for this shit.

The final task is making a scent for men. It’s two teams of two. By the looks of it, Lee, rather than Claire, will be doing a sales pitch [and ditto for the other team, Alex pitching instead of Helene], which is an idea made of pure grade-A fail.

And next week we will be LIVE! BLOGGING! the final, so come and join us...