In which that horrible ruddy-faced bastard does not appear

So, after weeks of cleaning things and cooking things and selling things and going on the telly to sell things, we are down to the interview stage, if by interview you mean ‘see how well the contestants handle being insulted to their faces for several hours’.

We get the usual bumph and then the recap of last week’s episode, where Debrabarr excelled at being the sort of almost-human that does well on shopping channels, and Howard went home.

The comparatively late time of 6.30. Kate answers the phone with no make-up. The cars are coming in 30 minutes. She stomps about rousing people. The Humanise Debrabarr Edit continues apace, as she sits in a tracksuit and singsongs ‘We’re going for interviews!’ to Lorraine like a small child, then gives Lorraine a bit of a pep-talk and a hug and tells her not to worry about the interviews. Yasmina to-cameras that she’s never had an interview and not got the job. Lorraine to-cameras that all the rest are looking forward to interviews, but she’s bricking it.

A kind of dull and repetitious introduction to the candidates. Debrabarr is a bit mean. Kate is unflappable. Lorraine has six wins and is the most successful (Yasmina’s 3 for 3 record as project manager would like to have a word) and has a spotty CV because she spent time raising her kids. Yasmina is going to be brilliant at the interviews, she says. James says he’s the best candidate. Yuh-huh. He makes an unpleasant analogy involving his arse and Alan Sugar.

At Viglen’s offices, Sralan’s like ‘no tasks lol! Interviews though! 3 of you will be bladdy fired! Lol!’

The four rottweillers are (and as ever, I reserve the right to misspell their names, because they’re asses) Borden Chatchuk, CE of Viglen; Claude Littner, ex-assassin of Sralan; Karrrren Brady, MD of Birmingham City; and Alan Watts, a bladdy lawyer [presumably to prove that he doesn't hate them after all - Rad].

There’s a weird badly-edited confusing montage of interview clips. We see several of them saying ‘Pleased to meet you’ to the interviews, which: sigh. The correct, polite, thing to say is ‘How do you do?’ when meeting someone for the first time in a formal situation. [I didn't know that. Never let it be said that this blog isn't educational. - Steve] Kate just wants to get started. James thinks it’s like waiting to see the headmaster.

Claude tells James his CV is ‘exceptional’ – but exceptionally bad. He goes on for about twenty minutes about how James has far too many telecoms-specific terms in it; though he does complain about ‘SLA’, which is ‘service level agreement’ and isn’t that bizarre, really. [Seriously. I've encountered that one in nearly every job I've had. - Steve]

Kate tells Bodrun about herself – first class degree, marketing for a coffee chain, so on. Bodrun is impressed, but asks why she’s there. She says she wants to work in another industry, and get the chance to progress. As she comes out, the other candidates are amused that she’s smiling. She says ‘I always smile’ and then does a funny little twitch, which is either her taking the piss out of her own smiling façade, or is it legitimately slipping. Either way: heh.

Karrrren asks Yasmina about her restaurant. She and her brother were working in a restaurant and decided ‘Rah! No more making money for The Man! We shall make money for ourselves!’ Claude looks at her CV, and we get to see that she is owner, finance director and waitress of her restaurant (Claude has written ‘Why not MD?’); that she was fired from a housekeeping job in the Alps; and that her hobbies are eating nice food, horse-riding, and surfing. He praises her website and says the restaurant looks lovely. He then gets into her figures. 4.5% of her turnover was profit. She gets a bit flustered and says ‘bottomline profit’ and then gets confused between gross and net profit. Then Claude pulls out her accounts, to her astonishment, though he says ‘they’re public documents’ and she calms down. Then he tells her off some more about what she claimed her turnover was – she said it was £8,000 a week, but her accounts didn’t show £400,000 for the first year. She asks if it says £370,000 and he refuses to tell her. Which, yeah. C’mon Yasmina. Know your own figures [seriously. Has she never watched Dragon's Den? I know it's not the same show, but surely the same principle applies - Rad]. She’s dressed like a pilgrim. She comes out and tells everyone he was nice, and it was enjoyable. [or not! - Rad]

Lorraine says she’s nervous, Yasmina reassures her. Lorraine goes to see Karrrren – ‘Pleased to meet you!’ GRRR! – and Karrrren asks about Lorraine’s CV, which claims she has ‘a special gift’. Turns out this is intuition, and not firing pingpong balls from her cooch. Karrrren then picks her up on the fact that she says her job was May 07 to present, when in fact it was May 08, and asks why she LIED. [She should have said 'because lying on your CV wins you this show' - Rad]

James says the guy interviewing Debrabarr will be more scared than she is. Claude says that she’s got a great degree and so on, but she’s not a team player and seems a bit ruthless. Debrabarr says she’s ambitious, but she doesn’t want to ‘ruin’ anyone else, and she doesn’t really like the term ruthless.

Claude tells James off for saying that his job was ‘putting a leash on people who spunk money up the wall’ and then asks James why the hell he said he brought ‘ignorance’ to the table on his CV. James claims it’s a good ignorance. That’s okay then. Lorraine says that James said he was there for the challenge, and Debrabarr is all ‘Nuh-uh! He don’t challenge himself no how!’ Alan calls James immature. James gets het up and says that he doesn’t want to be seen as the joker, and has achieved everything asked of him. You weren’t asked to lose all those tasks, sweetness.

Claude asks why Kate’s CV says her greatest challenge would be working in an all-female team. She starts off fine, saying that she has worked with men more, and that’s her comfort zone, but then says that women have more ‘emotions and bitching’ but she does acknowledge that it’s a generalisation, and only her experience. Still though. Poor show, Kate.

Alan says one of Debrabarr’s references say she’s arrogant and tells people to fuck off. Does she? Yes she does! He then says that if you have to swear to communicate (fine so far), it shows that you’re arrogant (WRONG). If you have to swear to communicate it shows that you’re too inarticulate to express yourself any other way, which, by the way, is a bigger flaw in a businessperson than arrogance. Interviewer FAIL. [I don't like this assumption about people "having" to swear. I don't HAVE to, I just fucking choose to. - Steve] Then Karrrren dives in and says that her colleagues says ‘you love her or hate her, but lots of people hate her’ and ‘she thinks she’s the dog’s bollocks’. Debrabarr literally snorts with laughter at this and responds brilliantly, basically saying that yes she’s driven, yes she’s passionate, and if you see those qualities in a woman, it’s easy to turn around and call her a bitch. Karrrren, who, by the way, is wearing this bizarre white smock thing, with like a cummerbund with a blue pattern on it – looking like she’s inspired by Lady GaGa’s china outfit and got a bit muddled – goes on about how she’s a successful businesswoman, but nobody calls her a bitch. Debrabarr doesn’t even dignify that shit with a response and just stares at Karrrren. Outside, they ask if anything was nice at all, and Debrabarr says ‘Yeah! “Pleased to meet you”!’ and laughs beautifully. She really should laugh more.

Karrrren then goes to Kate, oooh, you’ve got trouble with emotions in the workplace, but you had emotions for Philip, didn’t you? Kate’s like, nah, not really. Karrrren’s like ‘oh, but it was a problem for other people!’ as though Lorraine wasn’t using it as a brilliant boardroom tool as opposed to something the actually gave a shit about. Kate says it’s ‘a nonsense’ and people’s own binniz be they own binniz. Karrrren’s like, so you’re not whinging and moaning then? Kate’s like, well, yeah, I am now and we see a flash of personality for a second, but she locks that down with a quickness to ‘everyone has the right to whinge and moan’ sometimes. Karrren, all smug like she’s just struck the coup de grace says, but that’s your greatest problem! Women who whinge and moan! I caught you out! I am the fucking Sherlock Holmes of Apprentice interviews! Much like Debrabarr, Kate doesn’t even respond.

Alan has a big go at Yasmina that her mother remortgaged her house to raise finance for Yasmina’s restaurant. As though she held her mother at gunpoint, rather than this grown woman making her own decision. What a bullshit thing to complain about.

Karrrren asks if Lorraine is tough. She claims she is – dealing with her husband leaving her and her daughter being ill. Karrrren asks if she rubs people the wrong way, and Lorraine is like ‘Apparently! Who knew?’

Claude tells Kate she’s Little Miss Perfect – she says nobody is perfect – and that even though she’s clearly very very competent, and even in this interview she’s well within her comfort zone – but she’s not passionate. Kate says that she is and says that at 16 she was the youngest person to be put forward for the McDonald’s management programme (managing in her tone of voice to express ‘this is a little bit ridiculous, but it does still prove my point’) and that you can’t achieve excellent results without having passion.

Debrabarr tells Alan that the biggest thing she’s learned the past ten weeks is how her personality may impact on other people, and even though that was hard it was brilliant, because at 23 she has the opportunity to transform that. Perfect answer.

James says blah blah blah he doesn’t want to go home yet.

Debrabarr has never had so much negative feedback in one day, but really wants to be the Apprentice.

Back at the flat, they eat dinner and Cheers! each other. Lorraine’s second Irish line of the episode tells us that she’s a bit shocked and she says that if she gets this it will show she’s more than what she’s achieved so far.

To the boardroom. NotFrances’s computer has no icons at all on the desktop.

Sralan’s interviewers chat to him, Nick and Margaret. Alan starts off on Lorraine. She talks too much but doesn’t answer the question. Karrrren goes off on one about the special gift and intuition. Bordun goes on about how she claimed to read minds. We see in a clip she said no such thing, but that she was able to mirror people. He asks what he’s thinking, and her third Irish line of the episode says he doesn’t know if she’s for real. Margaret defends her, saying she makes the right call when others don’t, but doesn’t know when to shut up about that. Others say that she’s not right and wouldn’t cope with the stress.

Claude says Yasmina actually shows entrepreneurial spirit, and has her own business, but that she didn’t do that well once he questioned her accounts. Alan asks why would she want to be back on the ladder, rather than running her own business. Claude then goes back to that bullshit well about her mother’s mortgage. Karrrren tells him to shut up because the restaurant is a success and so it was a good risk. Claude says ‘Hindsight is great!’, all petulant, and srsly, what the hell is your damage, Mary? Sralan then reminisces that his parents used all their savings to buy him a car, so shut up Claude. Nick says parents make sacrifices, so shut up Claude. Karrren (now wearing a nasty blue dress that appears to be made out of some rubberised material an has funny little peak sleeves like the uniforms in Captain Scarlet, and as we will see, again with the weird patterned cummerbund) says Yasmina is great.

James didn’t have a good interview with Karrrren. He recognised that it wasn’t good. She gave him one opportunity to say something impressive, and he said he wanted Sralan to be Willy Wonka and give him the keys to the factory; he couldn’t stop joking. Bordun says he’s got some impressive achievements. Nick says he’s lucky and ‘shimmied through’.

Karrren was very impressed with Kate, but perhaps she was too good, and a bit robotic. Interview flashback to Karrrren and Kate, with Kate saying that she definitely isn’t boring, and anyone who knows her would say that. Nick says, as a genuine suggestion, ‘maybe she hasn’t got a personality!’ Karrrren raises her complaint about bitchy emotional women again. They conclude that unflappability isn’t a bad thing and that Kate would be a great employee.

Karrrren says that Debrabarr’s references were harsh, and Alan says he wasn’t convinced by her argument that she’s learnt to moderate her personality. Bodrun says she might upset people. Claude says she’s young enough to be able to change. Sralan says she’s got some nasty ways, but some great qualities. They all agree that she’s very mature for 23, (although 23 isn’t the magical age of 24, so she doesn’t carp on about it), and has some great qualities but could be risky.

The interviewing folk leave. Margaret says they’re all good but none are perfect, but that would be too much to ask. NotFrances sends the candidates through. Sralan wants them to tell him why they should get the job. Who wants to kick off? Nobody responds. Eventually James does, saying that he doesn’t look great on paper, and has lots of losses, but he thinks he and Sralan could be a good match. At this, Kate’s eyes practically bulge out on stalks. James prattles on about how he’s not just a joker blah blah blah.

Sralan moves to Debrabarr. They’ve forgotten that she’s just 23, but can she curtail her attitude? She says that she’s taken on the negative feedback, which has been hard, but she’s now willing to adjust her personality if that’s what’s necessary. Sralan says she needs to conquer herself before she conquers the world.

He tells Kate that the interviewing people considered her robotic; she awesomely says ‘I’ll take that as a compliment’ and says that she’s very composed and controlled. Sralan says he’s never met anyone that controlled who is successful. She says she isn’t always like that, but in interview situation, it shows strength of character to stay composed and not get flustered. Sralan says that he’s a bit old-fashioned and doesn’t like storyboards and spreadsheets and so on; Kate says that’s great, and it’s about acting appropriately for the situation.

Lorraine has had some tough times and Sralan does believe she’s tough as an ox. However, she’s been a focal point of conflict, and has been a bit more critical of people than others. She was a bit shocked by the feuding and so on. Sralan’s like ‘that’s nothing compared to these CREDIT CRUNCH times!’.

Sralan asks Yasmina why she wants to curtail her freedom by coming to work for him and she says that she feels a bit wasted in the catering industry, and she wants to develop her skills and then get that freedom back later. He asks if she’s one of the most credible, and she says definitely.

Sralan, verbatim: ‘Debra, leopard, spots. Will it change? Won’t it change? Young.’

‘Yasmina. Here for the right reason? Dunno.’ Cue HWUH? face from Yasmina.

Lorraine might not be right, Kate always has the right answers. He tells James there’s nothing wrong with being friendly, but he’s a corporate man and that don’t exist at Sralansugarindustries Incorporated, so with regret he’s fired. James thanks him, and says it’s been brilliant.

Debrabarr starts to cry. Yasmina, seated between them, has an arm on Debrabarr and Lorraine, reassuring them. Sralan sends them out for a breather. Sralan, Margaret and Nick says James is great. Notfrances sends them back in.

There will only be two people in the final. HOORAY! He tells Yasmina he’s concerned about her commitment because of her restaurant. She says that she didn’t want to do the graduate training programme like everyone else (cue slight bitchface from Kate, who did one) and wanted to learn about business from the grassroots level. Kate’s received lots of compliments, but she’s clinical and robotic. She says that she’s performed well and achieved results, and you don’t do that as a robot. She claims she’s not short on personality but manages to seem like a total robot while doing so. I think Kate’s issue is that she’s so into this ‘being professional and composed’ mode, which is a good thing, that she finds it hard to let it slip and let herself come out. I don’t believe she’s a robot, she just has incredibly strict Work-Life boundaries.

Lorraine starts on about her tough background, and Sralan basically says ‘I’m sympathetic, but shut up’. She says that she’s learnt when to push herself forward more and will take it with her for the rest of her life. Sralan says to take that with her now, cos she’s fired. She thanks him for the opportunity. She and Debrabarr share a touch as she leaves.

Sralan says there are three awesome people left, basically. He tells Yasmina that the big hiring computer would tell him not to hire her cos she already has a business. He tells Debrabarr that if she manages her character, her reputation will manage itself. She says she can do that. He says that’s just words. She says no, she’s done it over the last ten weeks and will continue doing so. [Which is true, and is also pretty much what Claire did last year - Rad]

Sralan says, ‘Kate, you’re in the final’ and it’s bizarre to watch. First you have her very professional ‘thank you Sralan’; then a ZOMG!!! Face; then professional calm; then ZOMG!! again.

He tells Debrabarr and Yasmina there is nothing between them and it was a tough decision. He’s not worried about the person who’s leaving. Debrabarr, you should be proud of yourself, and I wish you the best of luck, you’ll be successful in the future, you’re fired. And, because it’s awesome, Debrabarr verbatim: ‘Thank you very much, each of you, for your feedback, and I’ll take it with me, and be a success’. Sralan tells her to keep in touch. She grins hugely and hugs Yasmina and then Kate. Nicest firing and best firing response ever. [It almost felt like Debrabarr fired Sralan, somehow, given how she totally came out on top. It was awesome. - Steve]

Yasmina can’t seem to process that she’s in the final. It was the toughest decision he’s had to make, and walking out that door might be his biggest mistake. He doesn’t want them to let him down, blah di blah. Back to the penthouse! Kate and Yasmina hug and prance in the lobby.

Now, I love both Kate and Yasmina, so this is an awesometastic final. And last year’s four-way final was ricockulous. But a three-way Debrabarr, Yasmina, Kate final would have been amazing.

Londonporn. The girls gossip in the back of a taxi. Very excited, blah-di-blah.

Next week (or rather, on Sunday): the fired candidates come back (obviously) (Yasmina: ‘Awww!’). They have to design and launch a new box of chocolates. Debrabarr says ‘It looks like a box of Tampax.’ Philip choreographs something. I generally like to predict who’ll win by which fired candidates they take, but as Kate appears to have Ben, and Yasmina appears to have Philip, they’ve got an albatross each, so who can say?

[Join me tomorrow LIVE! For a Liveblog! And crying about Margaret quitting - Rad]

The Smell Of success

Tonight I make the executive decision to dispense with the striding, the suitcases, the belligerent boss bit. Still that took as long to type as it does to watch.

Last week it was all about exercise. The teams were told to invent a piece of portable fitness equivalent. James Bingo Buster was a great idea (better than sexercise) but sadly it became an evil box of doom that even Ben slapping his arse couldn't sell. Debra was busy being right on sister but the team did come up the body rocker that looked almost like a real fitness product. Maj got fired. Just like that.

We open with some nice peaceful ducks and London porn. That doesn't sound right somehow....

The phone rings, the fish look worried and Kate answers the phone. She is dressed head to toe in black – whose funeral - or is she really a ninja?

Cue undressed apprentices – not very sexy, teeth brushing and Noorul in a very red vest. Phil seems to be having his make up done, metrosexual indeedy. [I'm thinking this series' trend of women answering the phone in their pyjamas will make a lot of people very unhappy. We all know it's supposed to be men in pants - Rad]

The cars take them to Kew gardens, not just a park, a leading botanical research centre. In the temperate house the very drably dressed candidates gather. Paula is wearing a dress that makes my eyes go blurry.

This week is all about natural body products. Its a lucrative market worth more than 3 billion in the UK alone and its not just women spending the money its men. The task is to produce 2 natural body products and sell them to the public. The teams are mixed up, Yasmina, Debra and Paula move to Empire and Howard and Kimberly move to Ignite.

Sralan decided that as he has been 'quiet' (slight understatement there) Noorul will be the Ignite team leader. Paula will lead Empire.

It's simple the team that makes the most amount of profit will win. The one that doesn't will lose and from that team one of them will be fired.

Sralan VT about needing good profit margins and keeping the cost down. Make it for pennies and sell for pounds.

Paula is happy with her team and on her way to Dorset dismisses some of the other team as weak. In her VT she says she shouldn't be dismissed by anyone just because she comes from the public sector.

VT Noorul – He is not here to be managed by people, he is a natural leader. Right-o. In the Ignite cars Noorul seems confident with his team as Phil wears make up, so he was having his slap done by Kate first thing then. Phil confirms he has 'a fair grasp of the market'.

Poole in Dorset in the mad scientist lair aka an industrial estate, o the glamour. Ben is taking a back seat? Really? He doesn't buy soap? What even after all that time he spends in the gym? They should be aiming for women he says. OK so sit there and be quiet then. No? Thought not. They quickly decide on soap and shower gel.

Ignite look non nonplussed – er soap and bubble bath? O everyone is very fired up! Much puffing up of cheeks and eye rolling and blank stares (and that's just Noorul).

Each team need to select a natural ingredient to use in their products. Empire are liking seaweed (and with mint?) Ocean fresh and all that. Paula acts like a team leader and quickly makes the call in favour of seaweed. James suddenly trying to be team leader reminding Paula about cost. You were in charge last week love but I fear your words may prove prophetic. Paula asks for Ben and Yasmina to keep her on track with costings.....

Over at Ignite Noorul goes into teacher mode and tells them not to talk at once but hey at least they are talking. Phil thinks apples and berries are awesome. Howard VT – Noorul is already struggling and they are off to a shaky start.

Paula sends Debra, James & out on a boat to pick seaweed. In the 'lab' Paula, Ben and Yasmina are doing their best Chris Lloyd impression, mixing and sniffing. [Those bottles looked like Lush ones - at least the font - Rad] Ben pours water in to a pan. This impresses Yasmina, 'look at the chemist' she coos to Ben who retorts he has 'DNA level chemistry'. I assume that's a good thing?

Paula mentions cost again, someone could sit down and work out how much its going to cost. That's a good idea, that, Paula. A very good idea.

Ignite have now decided on honey and Lorraine, Kim and Phil are dispatched to get stung, er collect honey from local bees, but they don't know how much to actually get. While Noorul and co prat around deciding how much, the 3 in bee keeper suit get very stressed and squeally and basically COVERED IN BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES.

Why would you go get in the kit and stand by the hives until you know how much you want?

Back on the beech with Empire they collect seaweed and are scared of crabs. They have a huge bucket of seaweed and then call the lab. 300 grams is all they need as Paula says it will be an 'infusion'. James is knee deep in crab shit – it looks like water to me.

Mr Simon the perfumer is here to help with fragrances. Yasmina and Paula sniff little strips of cardboard and pronounce one unfortunate concoction smells like Tequila and dog. That would make lovely shower gel? Surely the more they sniff the less they'll smell. Ben is still on his 'girls know about soap and shit but I'm a MAN so will stay here doing my DNA level chemistry'.

Sandalwood £1200 per kilo and Cedar wood £26 per kilo and Yasmin and Paula can't get that straight. O dear. I replayed this bit and Paula says sandalwood and lavender, then cedar wood straight afterwards. Simon asks her to clarify and she says sandalwood Hmmm. Simon thinks they got a bit confused. No shit Sherlock. [The man from Lush, sorry, the anonymous smelly things business place, could have actually said something here. It was a bit unfair. Also, watching it on replay - totally Yasmina's mistake - Rad]

Paula and Yasmina sit down to work out the cost. Not only can they not tell the difference between cedar and sandal neither can they tell the difference between 3 grams and 3 percent. £1.97? That's all you'll pay? Round it up to a fiver? Hmmmm

Kimberly in charge of brand identity. She is a marketing director. She wants to call the honey soap 'Honey I'm Home' [which sounds very Lush - Rad]. Phil says she must have big splinters in her arse from sitting on the fence. I am paraphrasing. He gets a bit shouty and says she is stressing him out but I am not 100% sure what she's done to annoy him.

Paula does the Empire branding. She has chosen 'Rock Poole', which is clever as all the ingredients are from Poole. I like this. Debra thinks so too but she also picks up the huge expense of Sandalwood – no it's OK she's told we only bought half a gram. Er no – 450 grams actually, Yasmina is just pouring a huge beaker of it into the bubbling vat of Georges Marvellous medicine. Maybe she thinks that's what 3 grams looks like. Nick purses his lips.

Nice bit of Lush product placement. [I knew it! - Rad]

Team honey's concoction looks much more appetising but maybe too much like food. The print deadline is looming and Kims' team need a batch code. She is asking Noorul for it when Phil snatches her phone and gets more and more angry and Geordielike sounding and tells her and everyone else to get some balls. She's going to give him balls apparently and as she's at ball height, he better be careful.

Lorraine tries to diffuse the situation and the poor graphic guy timidly points out he's done at last. [I felt sorry for the graphics guy - I always feel sorry for the graphics guys on this show - Rad]

Phil is going to roast Noorul (Mags agrees Noorul is shit) if they fail. But it's OK because the profit margin for Empire isn't going to be healthy is it? Lorraine apologises to poor graphic guy for being so argumentative and unprofessional. [And is kind of unprofessional in the way she phrases it too, but the ticked-off mother aspect was funny, so I'll let her off this time. - Steve]

Empire are boxed up and ready. Now they just need to work out the actual cost per unit so they can price up. 87p per item all in? Having stalked round the periphery, Nick feels his moment has arrived and asks them how much they think they spent on fragrances. He tells them they bought 450 grams of sandalwood Yasmina is non nonplussed, 'no half of 450 grams – shit'. Indeed. Kate's face makes a perfect pink O and the penny drops with a resounding clang. 'Would it surprise you to learn you have spent more than £700?' continues Nick. Paula yes you may well look stunned and yes you are shit at costing, but good deflection on to everyone else. Nick having dropped his bombshell and 'leaving it with them' stalks off. Surprised he has told them!

Next day they all try out their products. Queue more shower scenes but still nothing interesting to report on that score.

Paulas' team are doubling their prices, as well she might (but it would have been funnier if they didn't know.) The soap is beautifully packaged with little labels tied on - seagrass?

Honey soap sounded good but the reality is sticky. It sort of gloops out of the wrapper. It feels nice says Mona, 'slippy and smooth' which is not going to be much a USP for soap really.

The team have 8 hours to sell their products. Half of Empire are based at Portobella market – right next to a hot dog van. One smells nice and one doesn't. Other half at Bond Street tube.

Ignite are at fashionable Carnaby street – in Bee Keeper outfits. They are selling theirs as sets for a fiver and now its called Honey with Love. The rest of Ignite are doing brisk business at Camden Lock. Selling the softness as 'freshness' which is smart.

Lunch time at Portabello James tries to stick a bottle of bubble bath in someone's face. They justify the price by saying how expensive the sandalwood is, a fact surely engraved on their very hearts now and the trendy Notting Hill set are not put off by the price. Nicks looks happy with them.

On Carnaby Street the bee-keepers are happily selling. Well except Noorul – no sale. The sweet smell of success eludes him and the honey can't hide the whiff of desperation. O dear sweepy.... Noorul pulls out of Carnaby Street *snigger* sorry and gets lost. He decided on Bond Street Tube station, hardly a prime selling location as already discovered by Empire who swiftly moved on.

Empire has steady sales so James suggests upping the price by 50p which somehow feels like a shitty thing to do but that's probably because I am not a good capitalist. [I thought they were selling it pretty cheaply even after the price rise, if you compare it to the prices of Lush and similar - Rad]

Noorul's decision to move has badly back fired. People don't want to stop.

At Camden Lock 'customers are melting away' and half the stock unsold so Kim, Howard Phil call Noorul and ask to start selling for £1 but Noorul says 2 for £3 till he gets there. Phil can't believe it and neither can I. Its a bit late to try and impose his authority on the situation and for once I can understand Phils frustration. [I get why they were doing this, but I'd be scared of buying something so cheap for fear of what it would do to my skin - Rad]

Portabello the last dash – Ben is selling very well for a man who thinks soap is girlie. [Ah, but selling is MANLY, GRRR. Or something. - Steve]

Noorul is stuck in traffic on his way to Camden. He shushes Lorraine and Mona is pissed off. Howard begs to be allowed to use his discretion and Noorul finally gives in.

Paula's team sell all their remaining stock to a stall holder. Wins. OK I am actually impressed, I think I have done a total U turn and now want Empire to win. They have come up with a product I would buy and done their best to recover from their huge fuck up. At least Paula has been involved with her team.

Lorraine starts trying to berate rockers to buy honey stuff for his mums. Has he been buzzed? That's a bit personal where I come from. He runs away as well he might. Even Phil thinks she's being scary. Finally we are flogging at 2 for £1 – suddenly I think Paula's team might have got this in the bag – thanks to Nick's heads up. They sell out - somehow that feels profound.

London Porn

Showered, washed and perfumed, it's time for an appointment with Sralan.

The usual opener of 'were they a good team leader?'

Phil and Howard enjoyed working with Noorul. Mags comments that enjoying working with someone and them being a good team leader aren't the same thing. She hands Sralan Ignite's products like they are dirty nappies. Phils confirms they are, in fact, luxurious. Noorul starts to list the contents but SA says it sounds like a bladdy cocktail. Noorul as a chemist and science teacher should know how to make soap shouldn't he?

On the Empire side of the table, James and Ben put the boot in straight away and I am surprised (more fool me) because I thought they had all worked together to try and overcome the small miscalculation. Rather than answer the question Ben already tries to start blaming Paula for the costings. Sralan tells Ben to not read out half the bladdy magna carta and Ben shushes.

And so to the all important figures:

Ignite have sales of £900. 85 They spent £406.88 making a profit of £493.97

Empire had sales of £1073.20 but they spent £1141.24 leaving a £68.04 loss

Damnit I was rooting for them. If they had only gone for cedar wood. Nick laments that if only Paula and Yasmina hadn't confused themselves and opted for cedar wood, they would have made a profit of £598. Ouch.

Sralan says her keeps banging on about controlling cost, what's going on? What's going on is they don't listen.

Noorul's team wins and the prize is a sushi and sake evening. Making and eating. Nice. Fishy fingers. Noorul declares they 'absolutely destroyed the other team' - Noorul you did not destroy the other team – you just fucked up less. Phil quips 'whose he going to sake-e?'

Groan

In loser cafe, Paula insists she delegated costs to 2 financial people and it wasn't done properly. But wasn't it her and Yasmina choosing and working it out? Kate says they should have costed from start to finish. Paula mentions that 'Ben did come over and have a sniff' again that has different conitattions to me but I assume she means he gave the costings a cursory glance. Shes probably going to take Ben and James in then? Ben will 'rip her to shreds' if she tries apparently.

I like Paula's hair by the way. I wish mine looked like that.

In the boardroom Sralan comments that he likes the products far better than the honey shit produced by Ignite. Kate gives credit to product and packaging to Yasmin and Paula. But it's a good product at the wrong price. Paula's 'fragrance for a fiver' comment comes back to bite her bum. Ben was too busy mixing to do any more than take Paula's word for how much it was all costing. He says 'yeah I should have been doing costing but I was like making stuff and Paula said it was a fiver and stuff so it's not my fault'. So even if its a problem with costing and I was meant to be doing it but its not my fault., Nick points out he was only 3 metres away. 'Yeah' says Sralan, 'you weren't in Scotland.' Indeed.

Debs reiterates that if they had chosen cedar wood not sandalwood Sralan feels that the product was good and that's all down to Paula. He compliments Paula on the presentation, in particular the soap and Ben jumps in that was him, so basically everything was him, comments Sralan, except the costings.

Oh, she's bringing back Yasmina and Ben. Interesting...

Ben looks at her like he actually will rip her to shreds.

Sralan suggests they hang on to some of their lovely soap because if they think they are sweating now they soon will be.....

Paula knows how to work out redundancies on a calculator says Sralan menacingly. So why couldn't she work out costings for a bar of soap?

Paula reiterates that she nominated Yasmin and Ben to take care of costs and that she would oversee them. That translates as, 'yes I asked you to do it and then I tried to do it myself and and THEN I remembered why I wasn't doing it in the first place.'

Paula calls Ben 'an idiot' for not checking her costs. Want to talk about idiots he says? This bit is verbatim because I don't like Ben but this is a pretty impressive smack down:

B: 'We're talking about idiots now? Well lets talk about £5 and £700 if you want to talk about idiots (Sralan's eyebrows disappear into his hair line) at the end of the day you made a complete balls up of it, you two were the two responsible for the cock up with the fragrances, you were the project manager, you were the one who should have been going on about me getting involved with the costings if you wanted me to and -'

P: 'I asked you to'

B: 'If you let me finish (because I haven't quite obliterated you) and the next day I sold my bloody heart out for you just to do damage control.'

P: 'The cost of the fragrances was a cost, it wasn't a cost on its own. I asked you to look after costs and you didn't' (eh?)

I don't like him but that's pretty persuasive. Sralan looks shocked that Ben managed to construct a comprehensive put down.

Ben says fire Paula. Yasmina says Paula too but puts it but slightly nicer. Ben tells Paula she 'didn't just get it a bit wrong, she got it very wrong'. Paula brands Ben a bit of a thug and so he drops in his scholarship to Sandhurt because this relates to his ability to sell how? That is bound to score points with Sralan – not. Neither is him interrupting Sralan's summing up. Why do they never learn not to do that? It is rude anyway but just stupid in this situation.

Yasmina has gone 6 steps forward and 10 steps back, its not looking good which of course means she'll have to be project manager another day. O Sralan is getting tricksy!

Paula is deemed ultimatley responsible for the fatal mistake and fired.

Hmmm why do I suspect that Ben is this year's Tre? He isn't going to win but he is such a villain that we can all hate so he'll be around a bit longer mark my words. [At least Tre was occasionally funny. Ben's more like Sophocles or Paul Torrisi, and just typing those two names makes me feel a little gross - Rad] Still Ben can't shut up, 'talk any more and you'll talk yourself out the door'.

If only.

Coat watch – black and a coat. O Lucinda how I miss thee let me count the ways!

In the cab Paula says she's gone for making mistakes and not lying or cheating. Therein is the problem. Going on past series that's what clinches you the win isn't it?

Back at the crack den Mona is quite upset and Yasmin for a moment seems genuinely sad she had to turn on her 'mate' until she adds she'd do it again to any of them because now she knows she can.

Nice.

Next week Pirate Parrots, a giant smurf, healthy breakfast cereals and Sralan has one of them for breakfast. Yes folks, it's the TV ad episode.....

'Snot Fair

Epiosde 9

Aired May 21, 2008

Last week our hapless heroes hosted stalls at the national wedding fayre in Birmingham. Claire sold some dresses well, Lee McQueen was FACKIN TALKIN ABAHT pants, Raef dressed as a teddy bear, Michael and Sara failed to sell any cake, Michael was an utter cunt in the boardroom as usual, and Sara was fired.

Claire is the one on the phone to (Not)Frances today and doesn’t sound all that excited. I think we need men on the phone in every episode, as they always give a little bit of flirt action to poor old Frances. The women just don’t seem to care. Anyway, Sralan wants to meet them at the National Theatre. There is a lot of piano music in the background. Is Myleene back?

We see Michael in his pants, which is an image made of DO NOT WANT. Alex is topless in bed, which is better, but the spoilsport only lets us see his shoulders and head. Booo, pretty boy! [At least we didn't have to see much of his weird scrotal chest hair. - Steve] Everyone knows that’s all you’re here for!

We see a VT of Raef ding up his cufflinks saying that everyone has got to that point in the game where they have realised there are six people stopping them. We see the candidates leaving. Lucinda is working a bright blue beret and a bright red coat. Brave, but probably foolhardy.

London porn, including added South Bank bonus feature.

Sralan is changing the teams again and it takes me ages to figure out which is which. Anyway, it transpires that Alex, Lucinda and Lee are this week’s Alpha, leaving Raef, Helene, Claire and Satan as Renaissance. Sralan sayss he knows Michael begged to be project manager, but Raef and Alex are doing it. HAH!

Their task is to produce packaging and TV ads for boxes of tissues (and we are back to rather tenuous locations for giving out the task, I think). I thought they said it was print ads, too, but seeing as there is no mention of a print ad ever again, I must have misheard. [No you didn't - that's what the poster image they were working on was for, I think. - Steve] [But other than that it was never mentioned again - Fiona] Now, let’s just recap the rules of the advertising task from previous years, shall we kids? 1) Both ads will be made of fail and will be absolutely awful 2) the one that plugs the product most heavily will win. That’s it. Do we think they’ll have got that?

Anyway, the voiceover tells us that the tissue industry is big business and Sralan wants the ads to be mini-dramas. I sense an ‘oh dear’ moment or two along the way. Raef tells us that he has theatre in his background and just loves advertisements. Michael Sophocles did drama and musicals too, and apparently he and Raef were both in Guys and Dolls. Though not together. As far as I can tell. Anyway, Michael starts singing, and please no. Raef is very excited about directing his own little 30 second feature apparently.

We are briefly at an ad agency, where Nigel from EastEnders tells them the box of tissues is the only thing they can’t change.

Alpha are having a branding session. Lee McQueen tries to plug the name ‘cozinose’. Lucinda says it sounds like a pair of socks. [It actually sounds like cosytoes whch is what you put on a pram - Fiona] He suggests atishoo, which they all like. Lucinda is working a nice black top and a black and white skirt with red scarf. Anyway, it’s all rather jolly.
Renaissance are keen on a montage for their advert, involving such exciting shots as a mother wiping a baby’s nose. They brainstorm names. Claire says they should go with ‘I love…’ like ‘I love NY’: ‘I love my nose’. Helene: ‘I love my tissues’. Hmmmm, hardly the snappiest name, ever. [In fact I don't get that particular mental leap at all - Fiona]

Back with Alpha and Lucinda is having a bit of a ball. She is brainstorming about a mother dropping a child off at the orphanage, which would be so win. Except they’d lose the task, but whatevs. She says they should use shock tactics so people will remember, and suggests homosexuality. [Last time this was used in an advert on The Apprentice it was made of epic fail, so it's good they didn't go with it. That said, I would have loved to hear more of Lucinda's idea, just because it's Lucinda. - Steve]

Alex doesn’t think anyone would buy it. He says Lee would come over to his house and say ‘there’s that gay box of tissues’ and that’s the reality. Lee McQueen doesn’t stand up and say he isn’t a homophobe, so maybe he would. The voiceover tells us Alex wants a family feel and he is going to meet the designer. Lucinda says she’d like to be there as well, and Lee probably would, too. The voiceover tells us that Alex has dispatched her to look at locations. Lucinda VTs that maybe Alex thinks she’s too domineering. I kind of like domineering Lucinda – well, she’s better than wet blanket Lucinda of a few weeks ago.

The Alpha boys are with the designer, looking at [vomit inducing-Fiona] pics of kitties and kiddies and probably hoping this will keep the ladies interested in them. Margaret tells us all the pictures they look at involve blankets and don’t go together well or help get the message across.

The voiceover reminds us that Raef and Michael have backgrounds in musicals and theatre and they start waxing lyrical about the roles they have played and Raef looks like he might cry/cum over one story but won’t tell it all to Michael in the car/in front of the cameras because it’s ZOMG too emotional.

Michael tells us he was in OLIVER - Cameron Mackintosh and Andrew Lloyd Webber, are you watching? He starts singing. Badly. But I’d still rather he was Nancy than Pirate Jessie Sidegob.

Claire pieces to camera about enjoying the brand task, and has been hanging round with Raef and Lucinda for too long, because she pronounces it ‘tarsk’. She says Girls Aloud will buy their tissues. Er…?

Raef has booked Sian Lloyd for their advert because she has a wholesome mumsy look. Which she really doesn’t, so big WTFs all round, I think. They discuss Lembit Opik and Raef says he had a thing for a cheeky girl. Michael says don’t we all though? No.

The boys' ad is set in a school. And for some reason, my brain hears this as a boys’ school and remains under that confusion for most of the episode, as you will soon discover. Anyway, they meet the contact lady there. Raef asks ‘are you Sarah?’ She replies ‘Louise’. It’s not clear if they got her name wrong or if this is just a different person from the one they spoke to on the phone. They are shown the kindergarten (which means this is a private school, as all normal schools would use the terms ‘nursery’ and ‘reception’). Michael says they could see Sian coming in here. Raef is unconvinced. He wants it to say school. Michael is bewildered and says it does say school. We see them outside on the crappiest playing pitch ever. It’s seriously the size of a slightly-larger-than-normal back garden. Raef says he can see Sian as a spectator, in this great space. He then pieces to camera about wanting to wear his cravat as director tomorrow and this is the moment where I fear that this could be the end of Raef, and Michael could well live to smite another day.

Alpha are holding casting sessions – Alex and Lee want the family in their commercial to include a sick child, which is all very X Factor. A cocky boy unconvincingly says ‘How can I go to school if I’m ill, that’s the thing?’ and sounds not ill at all, and would probably receive a clip round the ear and a ‘get dressed’ from his family instead. [Ah, so you've met my mother then? - Steve] [Well she's met mine...-Fiona] Desperate Jordan and Scary Sam are not Oliver and are now in need of work, get them in. Lucinda is not convinced. She says as a woman there are things she wouldn’t want in the advert and suggests they might be being a bit sexist by ignoring her opinion. Alex gets annoyed and he and Lee bitch about Lucinda not having any input, which shatters my dreams of Lee/Lucinda love a bit. Lee then says he’s never seen this side of her, and sounds a bit sad, so maybe all is not lost. Some more people pretending to be a family come in. Alex says he is ‘gonna let you freestyle, be off the cuff’, which makes him sound a bit Street . The parents go very OTT about the kid (a little girl who looks not unlike a baby version of the central character from Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit) [See they are sneaking in a subliminal gay message - Fiona]. Lucinda says it’s not interesting to see a bog-standard family, and you’d be better off watching Neighbours. Of course you would, because Neighbours is the bomb. Ahem. [I was a bit gutted to hear her dis the mighty Ramsey Street Residents- Fiona]

Back with Renaissance, and Claire says Raef is too much into the berets and big hair and cravats and she and Helene need to keep him in check. Seeing as they haven’t been shown together all episode, I’m not sure how this keeping in check is working. Raef and Michael are upstairs listening to music, miming being Sian Lloyd in a car. Michael is eating yoghurt, Raef says ‘look what you’ve done Georgie, all over your face’. I get the feeling we are watching Raef and Michael foreplay and it’s not a pleasant feeling.

Their brand name is Mytissues. The girls show them the box. It’s nice, all blues and whites, but perhaps a bit like every other tissue box out there. Raef tells the girls they’ve done a good job.

Alpha’s ‘Atishu’ box is yellow and colourful with pictures of families and kids blowing their noses on it. Lucinda says it’s ugly, who wants to see people blowing noses? Alex and Lee say they thought it was OK. Lucinda bitches to camera about Alex being useless, which may be true, but so were you for the first half of the series, so be careful. There is then a bit where she says Alex is naughty naughty naughty, but I missed what it was about as I was texting Fiona about our collective fears for Raef. Lee pieces something I don’t understand to camera about if you are short staffed you need people to come together, and this didn’t work for Lucinda. In the car, Lee asks why Lucinda volunteered to go to the house if she wanted to work on the creative side. Lucinda says ‘I didn’t fucking volunteer!’ (and her purple beret is back). Lee asks her why she didn’t say she was creative and wanted to work on that side of things. Lucinda points out that she did. We are seeing Lee’s ugly side, a la the week he yelled at Sara, and I don’t like it. Are the women in the house refusing to sleep with him or something? Cos he’s being a bit of a misogynist prick. [There is a misogynist theme this week, the voice over keeps calling Helen and Claire Raef's girls which pisses me off in several ways grrrrr - Fiona]

Back with Renaissance and dreamy music plays whilst the voiceover tells us they are waiting for their star. Well, Michael and Raef are. Claire and Helene are off somewhere being busy at not getting fired this week. Sian Lloyd appears, looking very blonde and extensiony. Michael almost bows to her. They show her the tissues. She says they are nice, did they design them? Raef says it was their colleagues. Had Michael got a word in, he’d have said he did it, blindfolded, with his feet, in thirty seconds flat, no doubt. Nick shows up after being absent all episode (this episode seriously lacks Nick and Margaret) and says you use a celebrity for what they are known for – Sian Lloyd is a weather girl, and they are getting her with a kid being a mum, wiping his nose. [They should've got Kerry Katona, wiping the kid's nose with an Iceland carrier bag and offering him a boozy brownie as consolation. - Steve]

Sian asks them why they don’t want her to do something relating to weather. Raef says she is wholesome and lovely, and I can only presume he wants to bone her, despite that mental image being wholly made of DO NOT WANT. Sian pieces to camera and says if they’d googled her, they’d know she has nothing to do with kids, she’s not a mum and she’s not really that wholesome (which makes me like her) although she’s flattered they think of her like that.

We cut to the shoot. Raef and Michael have their boy wank club behind the camera and Raef tells Michael he should be the next Fellini. There are no words.

Back with Alpha, and Alex is directing. A blonde mum asks the Oranges… kid how she feels and gives her a tissue. The parents improvise really fucking badly and the dad says the tissues are anti-bacterial, she’ll be fine. He rubs her nose, which is a bit eww, considering she is al germy as she hasn’t used a tissue yet. The kid doesn’t look very ill. Alex can’t work his black and white stripy shirt, but it appears he is friends with Lucinda again.

Back at the school (which I still think is a boys’ school at this stage). Raef and Michael are with some naughty boys on a bench. They say this is the final scene, where the tissue is handed from one kid to other – he says to the right hand boy that when you wipe away the tears you can smile and OH SO MUCH HOMOEROTICISM. They stole Lucinda’s idea about tissues for the gays. Raef says something incomprehensible about wanting something like Woody Allen, or DiCaprio, and they think they’ve got that with the bench scene.

In the edit suite, Raef asks about a close-up of the product. Michael says that it looks bad. We see Sian telling the boy he’s forgotten something. Raef says ‘The close up is tackiness par excellence’ (which Michael ends with personified. I don’t think tissues personify tackiness, but then I believe giving 110% is mathematically impossible, so clearly I’m not smart enough for this show).

Alpha are looking at their pack shot. It’s surrounded by greenery and pink flowers. Lucinda is distraught that there are some dead flowers there. Bless. [In fairness to Lucinda, that's exactly the sort of thing I'd expect Sralan to pick up on. - Steve] Alex says that Lucinda wants to be in control and if sitting in the middle in the edit suite makes her feel good, it’s fine by him.

The voiceover tells us that the ads are to be thirty seconds long and that Michael and Raef are viewing their directors' cut. Heh. ‘When you say nothing at all’ is playing and Raef clicks his fingers and pulls a ‘hey’ face when the chorus kicks in. The commentator tells us their epic movie is twice as long as should be. Michael asks if they need the first scene with Sian Lloyd. Raef says, of course, where is he going to get the tissue from? (OF COURSE) Michael, for the one and only time in his life says something sensible: ‘but does it mater, can’t he just produce the tissue?’. Raef says ‘but she’s a celebrity’. Michael would rather keep the homoerotic scene. VT of Raef saying he and Michael have a symbiotic relationship but he’ll still put his foot down if Michael doesn’t agree with him.

Claire and Helene reappear from nowhere, where they have been hiding all episode. Helene looks good in jeans and a vest. She should give up on the power suits. She’s scrubbed up much better in the dress last week and the casuals this week. Helene’s portrayal is the most inconsistent of all the candidates this series. She’s either bolshy and bitchy or competent and COMPLETELY SILENT. It’s weird. Claire says they can’t see the product in the ad at all. Raef says the close-up looked tacky. Which it did, because you didn’t take any time to film it properly, Mr Cinematographer. Claire tells the camera that the branding is bad and she says she can see Sralan saying ‘I can’t see any bladdy tissues in the ad’. She says it’s embarrassing, she wouldn’t show it to her family, let alone the biggest ad agency in the UK and would leave it out of the pitch.

Raef says that if one thing will fail it it’s if people don’t believe in the product itself. What, if they don't believe in tissues?

We are shown that the audience for the pitch includes several people from the ad agencies (who no doubt all begged to be there for the lulz) and Sralan.

Claire is going to pitch for Renaissance, she tells us that she and Helene created the brand whilst the boys were busy playing director. She blahs in the presentation about this being a unique thing for the tissue market – to fill a gap in the market for something fun, as opposed to other tissues that are like politicians. Que?

Cut to Lee blahing in Alpha’s rehearsal about when people think of tissues they thought Kleenex... now they think Atishu. They all start arguing. Margaret says the last thing you need 20 minutes before a pitch is two other people telling you what to do.

Back with Renaissance, and Helene says their ad is the first in a series. That appears to be her only line this week, folks. Still, I have her in a sweepstake, and not speaking usually = not getting fired, so that’s fine by me.

We see the advert. Michael voiceovers that in any kind of relationship we all need a little bit of comfort. Sian Lloyd is only shown giving the tissue to the boy, no face or voice. Here comes the homoerotic scene – oh no, it’s a girl!!!!!! Ooops! A tissue box is shown underneath the image at the end. Helene says (oh, a second line) their ad shows the relationship between boy and mum, boy and girl, tissue and consumer. It’s bollocks, but confidently presented bollocks.

Lee pitches for Alpha. He says he’s here to introduce a new product, the name is derived from us all needing tissue and it also says what it is. It’s aimed at the female genre, and I think he means demographic. He says the ad depicts family life, happy family life and the reason why is that Annie has a cold and their tissue has allowed the family to come together and spend quality time with each other. He doesn’t sound like normal RUARGH confident Lee Mcqueen at all. He doesn’t seem to know WHAT HE’S FACKING TALKIN’ ABAHT.

They play the terrible family ad. There is a deafening silence.

Alpha come off and feedback to the camera. Lucinda says the audience were fidgety and bored. Alex says yeah, but it was the first time with a real audience (and it’s a pitch, not a play, you don’t have EIGHT SHOWS A WEEK to get it right, like the Nancies do), they thought there’d be three people, then they found twenty, and Sralan, and Nick, and Margaret.

Nigel from EastEnders and two other people sit with Sralan deconstructing the adverts. The comments generally go along the lines of ‘awful’, ‘crap’, ‘made of fail’. Or words to that effect. One man says something positive, which perplexes me.

Claire and Lucinda give pre-boardroom comments. Claire says the task has shown that behind every successful man is a woman and that she and Helene were managing the boys. From another room, apparently. Lucinda says she is ready and prepared to fight her corner, (NuFierceLucinda rocks) and she does think they may be going in.

In the boardroom of blue, Sralan asks Raef how he broke the team up. Raef says he thought the best two people for packaging were Claire and Helene. Sralan asks who was responsible for cinematography. Raef says he and Michael have had experience on the stage and Michael has directed. Sralan says ‘have you?’ Michael says he had his own theatre production company at uni. I predict this was a one-man operation. Still, it’s not quite as audacious a claim as Tre’s five international business offices or whatever it was last year. Sralan jokes to Alpha that they are in trouble as we have Spielberg and Fellini in the room.

They show the ad again and the girl is smirking, not crying (so much for acting ability) and Sian Lloyd is really not in it much at all.

We move to Alpha. Sralan says Lee’s presentation was fumbly and poor and he lost him out of boredrom. That’s not what I’m fucking talking about, indeed. Nick continues his love for the lady candidates this year by saying Claire didn’t have one note. Sralan says, quite proudly, she did it straight out of her head, a bit jabbery, but that’s Claire. Sralan loves Claire long-time.

Sralan asks Alex about his team. Alex says Lee was fine, it was his first time with Lucinda and she was abrasive. Lucinda says she wanted to do the creative part as she used tissues. Lee tries to drop her in it as he did in the car by making out she didn’t ask, and he really is being a bit of a bastard again today. Lucinda reiterates that she did. Sralan says their garish box might stand out, and he likes the name.

He shows the video and Renaissance wet themselves at the crappy family ad with the ‘You are the Sunshine of My Life’ soundtrack, as well they might, had they not produced an equally terrible advert, with Ronan fucking Keating on. Sralan asks their opinion.

Raef uhms and says the telly ad lacks any subtlety. I understand you need to make it clear what selling, but… Sralan interjects: do you? And Raef completely fails to read Sralan, who is sending out clear THIS IS THE ADVERTISING TASK. THE TEAM WITH CLEAR BRANDING ALWAYS WINS messages. Rafe burbles about artistic quality. Michael has read Sralan and says yeah, ours was better quality but theirs showed the product more. Indeed.

Sralan jumps in with you can’t tell what your bladdy product is (an almost exact copy of what Claire predicted) and YOU LOST not just for me, but for the people wanting to sell tissues. Your ad was better quality but you couldn’t tell what the product was. Which I believe is the exact same boardroom scenario we have had for this task four years running. Sigh. He points out that the other team with their crappy ad and crappy box kept saying tissues, antibacterial, kept throwing it in people’s faces.

Their prize is shopping at Harvey Nicks, which beats archery any day.

Sralan is working quite a nice white tie with blue circles and spots on today. I feel I should compliment his vast image improvement this series. [That eye bag plastic surgery gubbins didn't make much difference though did it? - Fiona]

Michael says he feels terrible, he’s never felt this bad in life before, he put his heart and soul in etc. In the café of crap, Helene says she feels she did an impeccable job, which she may have done, but we didn’t get to see it. Raef says the boardroom can be a place of fireworks but they will present a unified front. No-one echoes this sentiment, least of all Michael. Raef says he and Michael were in the editing suite, period. He says the other team’s ad was vulgar, and if that’s what ads about these days, god help us. Oh, Raef, you’re so not cut out to work for Sralan. [And have obviously never seen a real advert - Fiona]

Havey Nicks porn, all lights and snazzy oufits. Lee tries on a boring suit, Alex looks funky in a hat, scarf, jeans and jumper combo, Lucinda wears a sparkly ‘Cant Get You Ouf Of My Head’ type dress. They all say it is the best treat EVARZ.

Salan tells Raef, ‘I didn’t send you out to remake Ben Hur’. Raef says yes, but he wanted it to be artistic, quality direction. Sralan points out that artists’ bread comes from clients like him who want to show the product. Raef says there was a close up and he will take responsibiltity but YOU (MS) said it was vulgar. Michael says we both were, we both removed it. Sralan asks where does I love my tissues come from? Do you love your towel, your bar of soap? Claire owns up (unlike a certain toady someone beginning with M) and says it was her idea, it was late in the day when they came up with the brand.

Sralan asks why Sian Lloyd was there: why cast and pay for a celeb if you don’t use them? He says he can understand if it’s about the weather or being upset cos her boyfriend blew her out for a cheeky girl, but she’s not even a mother, what’s the point? Raef says they wanted a celebrity, we live in a culture of celebrity. Sralan says but I didn’t notice her, I blinked and I missed her.

To no-one’s surprise, Raef will bring back Claire and Michael. With regards to Claire, he says, she has worked in marketing and he and Michael haven’t.

Sralan, Nick and Margaret chat. Sralan says 'poor weatherwoman what’s she doing there'? Margaret says the box was awful, the ad was awful, the name was awful. Sralan says they have two despondent gentleman (Raef is a gentleman, Michael notsomuch) and Claire will come in with 50 rounds of bullshit and deafen us all. They’ll have to see which one really wants to stay in.
He calls them in and says Raef has experience in acting, so needs to give a rendition of why he should not be fired. Raef says there are times I fall flat on my face and I will learn and get up again. I’ve only been in this threesome once (unwanted mental image. Very, very unwanted) and that was in week one and I will pull my socks up.

And here, kids, is where it gets just bizarre. Michael says ‘everything you liked in this advert, everything good about it was DOWN TO ME’. Of course. And I invented the wheel and sliced bread yesterday Sralan, pick me Sralan, I could play Oliver Sralan. Raef is, rightly, all ‘what the fuck?’ Michael continues: ‘the emotional pull, the only decency in this task came from ME’. The scary thing is that I think he actually believes it.

Raef says that’s gibberish and they both did it together in the edit and if he’s taking credit for it, he has to stop being the person who tries to escape sinking ship. Word, Raef. I hate Sophocles so much. I know in a few weeks it’ll all be over and I’ll be hating on Big Brother contestants or something, but right now, so… much… rage. [But then, Raef wanted Michael Sophocles to take full responsibility for the removal of the pack shot about two minutes ago, so he's not coming out of this with a particularly bright halo either. - Steve]

Claire says they both said they got lost being artistic, and they needed tissues in there. Sralan says Claire is always self-preserving in the boardroom why didn’t she act like that on the day? This is a pretty good echo of what he said to her the week he fired Simon, so let’s hope she pays attention.

Claire says the situation was emotional, they’d been in there all day and there was too much testosterone and spunk flying around. Except she only implied that last it. Sralan asks why she wasn’t forceful in there and putting up a fight. He says not wanting to salvage a win for the team shows selfishness. [What bollocks. She told them, if they didn't listen it's no one's fault but their own. I'm sick of Sralan blaming the women for not stopping the men from fucking up. - Steve] [You and me both Steve - Fiona]

He turns to Michael and says ‘you think you’re proud [of the ad], but I’m not looking for art directors’. He turns to Raef: ‘You put yourself across as Mr elegance, perfect. You have all the words, enthusiastic, ‘will do this for you’… but I’ve never said this before, I think you’re lucky that you’ve only been in this boardroom once. The one of you that is going is the one I think is full of hot air (which could be all three, surely)… Raef, you’re fired’. And as despondent as we all may feel by this, I think we knew it was coming. Michael Sophocles is a cockroach. [And a cunt. I was surprised by quite how angry I felt about his survival - Fiona]

He has nothing more to say to the others and sends them back to the house. Margaret says that was a close call, Sralan agrees. Nick says he’s sorry to see Raef go because he’s a decent bloke but behind all the elegance and all that flowery language, there ain’t much there.

Coat watch – black, formal, high collared, boring. Raef, you disappoint me so much.

The house look a bit shocked but also a bit resigned at who comes back, seeing as I can’t remember the last time the boardroom didn’t have Claire or Michael in it, they probably partly expected it. They asked what happened. Michael says nothing much happened except Raef’s gone and it was a difficult ordeal cos he was a good friend to me. Yeah, but not so good that you didn’t stitch him up. Raef in cab says he is sad because of Michael and him and their friendship. And this is all played out like an epic love story, except they haven’t been on teams together for ages, so it seems a bit out of the blue.

Anyway, join us next week when the teams have to rent sports cars to special clientele, and Lee and Lucinda wear matching clothes. Yay!

Rock the Casbah

(Sralan don’t like it - this is not kosher)

Week Seven - Originally aired 7 May 2008

This is going to be a good one so lets not waste time. 16 tycoons of tomorrow, job interview from hell, London Porn, bloody clue (as in you haven’t got a) yadda yadda.

Previously the teams had to create an occasion and greeting cards to accompany it. Sadly no one went for a ‘sorry your 11 year old's been shot by a hoodie’ day and accompanying card and instead Matt Lucus went for the environmental soap box and Sralan went for him.

So to this week and first and foremost what we really want to know is who is going to answer the phone and more to the point what are they (not) wearing....? 7am, the candidates are up, which makes a change. Raef is already fully dressed but wait, whose that? Willie Winkie in his night gown? No its the lovely Lucinda in a full length blue and white stripped number- is there any look this woman can’t work? [Let's not encourage her. - Steve] Alex is ironing a nasty purple shirt whilst wearing an even nastier yellow one and scores nil points. Ooo the phones ringing and flouncing towards it like a big girl comes Michael.

‘Sralan would like you to pack for a two day trip to Morocco’ comes the voice of Frances/Not Frances/Someone else. ‘Really?’ asks Michael. ‘Na just a wind up’ she says. OK, I’m lying, they are going to Morocco. Jenny The Chin screams and jumps around like a demented school girl while Raef, Lee McQueen and Michael debate the type of clothes to pack. Raef does have a linen suit which would be ideal but not with him, still light colours are the best, cooler. Cut to girls in a car all in black.

Marrakesh porn.

6am - Lee Mcqueen appears to sleep in a hotel bath robe - interesting. Alex is bleary, ruffled and asking for breakfast - Oh practising his French I see. Michael is demanding his lunch. In French. Tit.

The briefing. Margaret and Nick, both in white blazers as their only concession to the heat, are here but Sralan is in London [lazy sod - Rad] so conveys the task via a video. Marrakesh is the bargaining capital of the world so they have a list of items to buy and woo betide em if they pay top dollar for anything, he/she who pays least wins. Its time to mix it up a bit Jenny Maguire & Michael are sent over to Renaissance and Sara goes to Alpha. Lucinda is looking resplendent in purple dress and matching shoes co ordinate with a hot pink pashmina. I think I might love her quite a lot.

Lee and Jenny Maguire are named project managers and are handed maps and tourist info and detailed descriptions of the 10 items they must buy. Sara is already well aquatinted with mosque alarm clocks, a sparkly bed spread and kosher chicken. ‘Is that Jewish?’ Helene asks but no one answers. Jenny Chin suggests making some calls but Jenny Maguire wants to get stuck straight into the market ‘and get the marbles out of our mouths with the French and the negotiations,’ I sort of know what she means, but still, what the fuck?

Margaret sits watching coolly as always. Not even desert heat's going to make her break sweat. I love Margaret quite a lot too.

Over at Alpha, Lee first of all wants the inside track from people who have been to Marrakesh before. Wise man. Step up Raef and Sara. Raef suggests getting into ‘the local garb so they don’t stand out’ hmm that accents not a give away tho is it? Sara looks dumb struck, Lucinda points out that even dressed in a burka they’ll still spot her blue eyes and then wonder if they are taking the ‘pee’. (I even love the way she tried not to swear.) ‘Just a suggestions’ huffs Raef, his Lawrence of Arabia fantasies smashed.

Before Alpha leaves the hotel, Lee McQueen wants them to pinpoint places each item can be found. I love Lee, I thought I was turning gay a minute ago but maybe I’m bi.

Sara pointed out they need to find the Jewish area for the kosher chicken, as this is a Muslim country it won’t be widely available. Why do I feel this may be important later? [Sara is the most clued-up of them all, I think, going on the past few weeks. - Rad]

Lee decides to keep Lucinda and Sara with him to see if the feedback regarding their (lack of) involvement with tasks is justified. And they are off, well Nearly. Lee has a question, ‘are you ready to win Alpha?’ Chicken noises or is that a retro Lenny Henry impression? ‘Comeon man’ says Lee McQueen. Careful that vain in your neck don’t pop, that's what I’m talking about.

And so to the market, Claire spots snakes and recoils. She's not near them or anything but she wouldn’t even for a million pounds, if Sralan said Claire kiss that snake or touch it she wouldn’t. Now I am going to try really hard not to say anything further about snakes, money, Sralan, kissing and touching.

Oh, Margret's got shades on and Jenny Chin has a head scarf to replace her neck tie. Renaissance split up, Jenny M, Alex and Claire wonder off after a man with a chicken... Jenny Chin tells Michael they have no strategy and are like headless chickens. Which is good because it saves me the trouble.

Despite no preparation Jenny M, Alex and Claire stumble across their first item, a Santos orange juicer. Claire suggests they try some role-play with Alex and Claire as a couple. After all the woman always has the final say when buying items for the house and if Claire is difficult and walks away it will help Alex’s bargaining. Right. Claire is well up for trying that, Alex is less enthralled at pretending she's his girlfriend. And before I know what's happening she's asking why after 7 years together they haven’t got married [this whole thing was very funny, but also very terrifying- Rad].

So asking prices of the juicer is 1200 dirhams, they have 600 dirhams. Claire looks unimpressed and says she's going outside. What? That's it? Isn’t she going to wrap herself around Alex, look pleadingly into his eyes and tell him she’ll do anything but she must have that juicer - and then flounce out? I would. Claire reappears and offers 1100 dirhams? No one seems to know what's going on.

Meanwhile Lee McQueen is doing a great alarm clock impression and Raef and Helene are off to buy a cowhide complete with tail. Raef pronounces this as ‘grass roots negotiation, as dirty as it gets’. Lee is ‘guided by his research’ and off for the green mosque alarm clock. Yes, OK, we get that Alpha planned [Alpha have all the competent and/or likeable people in this week, and Renaissance have all the 'baddies' and useless ones, anyone else notice that? - Rad] and Renaissance didn't. Sara’s negotiating, why does she suddenly sound like a character from Goodness Gracious Me? [It's a shame one of the items on the list wasn't a small aubergine. - Steve] The shop keeper isn’t impressed with Sara or with Lee McQueen getting ‘busted’ by ‘his people’ and proceeds to play an imaginary violin. I don’t love the shop keeper cos he's not my type but he is pretty cool all the same. The team walk away, but I bet like all good shopping trips they’ll be back to buy the first thing they found.

Jenny M and co have meanwhile ‘stumbled’ across the textile quarter and the berber bedspread (cream with silver sequins). Jenny wants Claire to keep quiet, drop the double act and let Alex negotiate but she fails on both counts. I think Claire likes being Alex's girlfriend and is living the dream.

Ah cut in interview with Mr Michael Sopocles. He is arrogant apparently. That's nice.

Back to the cow hide with tail, I am loving the miming so far although as Jenny Chin already has a tail to match her horns and pitch fork she could just show the shop keeper that. Now Michael is channelling dodgy ‘comedy’ Asian accent, seriously what does he think this will achieve? They get the cowhide for a third of the asking price and high 5 each other for a double act well acted. Raef and Helene are at the tannery which stinks. But their dedication to the cause pays off when they procure (from a very ill sounding gentleman) their cowhide for 250, didn’t Laurel & Hardy just pay 834? Even Raef can’t believe it.

Woohoo - as predicted Lee is back having his balls busted by the original shop keeper for the green alarm clock. 2 items down and they are off to the Jewish quarter (pinpointed by their research) for their 1 and a half kilos of kosher chicken. This means chicken that was butchered under rules of the Jewish faith - got that? good.

Meanwhile in the Muslim quarter Jenny M can find plenty of chicken but no kosher ones, they need a holy man to bless the chicken apparently. Why the fuck do they want to take a chicken to a mosque? They do know what kosher means don’t they? ‘O look’ says Claire ‘its head's getting cut off’. I assume she's talking about a chicken but Alex isn’t in shot...... Oh there he is. No Claire, you are not being stupid, Kosher is indeed Jewish and you are in a Muslim country... oh so nearly there and yet not - Muslims do not have kosher chicken, they have halal. I am shouting at the tv. Sorry. Alexs lip twitches but he says nothing. Jenny M is ‘foxed’ so she hands the chicken hunt to Jenny Chin and Michael instead. That's passing the chuck, gedit.

They have located a chicken but please Mr Butcher don’t kill that chicken until Jenny Chin can get it blessed by someone for the Mosque. Cos that’ll make it kosher? NO IT WILL NOT. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE! ‘Religious’ says Michael trying to explain himself to the bemused butcher and then looks as if he is about to cross himself. For fucks sake there are quite important, one could say fundamental, differences between Judaism, Islam and Christianity. I really am shocked at how unaware these people seem to be.

A bystander starts talking about halal, ‘is it halal?’ asks Jenny Chin ‘Can you make it halal?’ I am saying nothing.

Well, other than now the butcher's is a mosque, or the butcher is going to pray or has already prayed for the chicken. I swear I am abstaining from alcohol and recreational drugs in order to provide a clear headed re cap but I am starting to wonder if a combination of the two might help me make more sense of this.

As is usual in these sort of tasks Sralan is going to fine them for any items that don’t meet his exact specification. Quite what he's going to make of the chicken is anyones guess but I suspect the Chin and Michael's self congratulation is premature. Jenny Maguire buying a white rather than green mosque alarm clock rather pales (crap pun sort of intended) into insignificance.

Next Claire spots the tagines but are they 3 red Akal branded tagines? Well if they are genuine they should cost about 800 dirhams, these cost 100. Margaret's very disappointed. Nuff said. [I like to think Margaret has the proper, correct Akal tagines in her kitchen - Rad.]

The teams continue to work through their lists. Lovely Lucinda hot foots it out of the car and runs shrieking to the sports shop looking for tennis rackets (2, medium strung) to find The Chin and Michael already there. The way Jenny says ‘Hi Lucinda’ as she walks in makes me fear for her safety, what's she up to?

Evil cow bag! She is trying to make the nice racket stringing man say he will string their rackets tomorrow, there's 10 dirham in it for him [which is about 70p, I believe - Steve]. He looks confused and possibly a little sick so they approach the manager instead. The Evil Chin now has a look of the snake from Jungle Book about her as she tries to convince the equally bemused manager to comply with their plan. The manager laughs, she doesn’t need their money.

The Evil Chin is on the phone to someone saying they have tried to delay the other team getting their rackets and ‘have been involved in espionage’ but frustratingly we don’t know who is is on the phone too. Damn.

2.45pm Claire realises they need a green clock, she remembers looking at the photo this morning ‘and thinking god that's green’. It really is amazing what goes on in their brains isn’t it? So they are back hunting for an item they already have, oh no balls to that, they’ll dump that on Evil Chin and Michael too. If they weren’t such evil, cheating feckless idiots, I’d feel sorry for them.

With an hour to go Lucinda measures and buys a large blue cactus, Raef and Helene buy the right tagines. They call Lee McQueen to tell him and he tells them he's just ‘nailed the fucking blue cactus’. O the mental image [ouch - Rad]. Raef apologises to the listening shop assistant for the bad language. He is such a gent, I can’t bring myself to love him too though.

Marrakesh is shutting up shop and going home while Jenny is still trying to find a green mosque alarm clock and Lee, Sara and Lucinda hunt for a Santos orange juicer. Lee and Sara swear a lot, meanwhile Lucinda is a woman on a mission running around finding second hand juicers. The word goes out tourists will pay good money for a Santos orange juice. Jenny meanwhile has found a shop with the alarm clocks. As the shop keeper opens each box checking the colour it reminds me of the hunt for the golden ticket in Charlie and the chocolate factory. Oh, and there is the elusive green one, there is much jumping and squealing. Oh and dancing to the call to prayer, nice work Jenny and Claire [it's not quite as offensive as Claire and Kevin's country yokel patronising the other week, but it's close - Rad].

Just before Alpha disappear into their cars, 2 juicers appear and they end up spending the equivalent of £75 on a scruffy second hand specimen, but at least they have one.

Lee McQueen shouts, gesticulates and ‘come ons’ a lot in the back of his car.

Back at the hotel the candidates stand in their teams while the lovely Nick & Margaret call Sralan and give him the facts and figures. Nice shots of Sralan talking to them whilst wondering through what I assume is his mansion. Nick says Lee did well and the ‘real revelation was Sara and also Lucinda, they did very well indeed’. Nice work there Nick. Love you. [N and M truly are the voice of the viewer. Now if only we could sneak them onto the panel for I'd Do Anything - Rad]

So Alpha got all items correctly with no penalties and spent £413.61. Renaissance spent £449.60 but 2 items are disallowed and they incurred penalties on 2 items bringing their total to £603.59. Hmm wonder what those 2 items were...

So Alpha's prize? A private air balloon ride. They all look excited till he adds it's at Leeds castle and well they might. An air balloon ride in Marrakesh would be exciting and exotic, not words I associate with Leeds [Leeds Castle isn't in Leeds, as far as I know. I think it's down south somewhere - Rad] [It's in Kent. I remember it being advertised a lot on local radio when I was little. - Steve].

Renaissance are in the boardroom tomorrow. Alpha are off for champagne cocktails and for the losers the ‘hotel cafe’. Hardly looks like a dive though does it? I mean this isn’t a caravan park, it looks like a pretty swish hotel. Michael and Evil Chin think that perhaps the cactus let them down because they didn’t count the prickles. Jenny Maguire tells them ‘if they know in their heart and soul they did the right thing today then they have nothing to be afraid of’. This isn’t confession or a fairy tale, there is nothing fair about the Apprentice.

Flying and hot air balloon porn. Aw Lucinda hanging on to the basket looking enchanted is so sweet. Raef brown noses Lee, he expected to win due to his managerial skills apparently and there is much clinking of champagne glasses.

On the way to the boardroom Michael is already concerned Evil Chin is going to put the blame on him. She's not back stabbed people before has she?

Renaissance greet Sralan with a chorus of ‘bonjours’ which goes down like a lead balloon. Not a good start.

First off the lack of research (not signposted at all by the voice over) and planning is pulled apart. So to the items they got wrong well the tagines weren’t the branded item and then there is the kosher chicken. That's kosher chicken blessed by a Muslim butcher. Sralan tells Jenny she's a ‘lady of the world’ (my Nan always used that term to infer a woman of lose virtue but moving on) ‘slightly older than the rest’ he continues. Evil Chin perks up, its my birthday today’ she says “i’m 36’. What's she expecting? Jelly and cake? [Green jelly, at that. - Steve]

36 she may be but she apparently has never heard the term kosher or knows it is a Jewish word. Sralan is flabbergasted and he’s not the only one. Sralan turns his attention to Michael, the first thing he apparently wrote on his CV was that he was a good Jewish boy. Michael doesn’t seem very willing to confirm it though but says grudgingly he's ‘a nice Jewish boy’. ‘If you’re unsure’ Sralan retorts ‘we can always pull your trousers down, we can check.’ LOVE IT! [Sralan is so fierce this series, bullshit firings aside. - Rad] Everyone giggles and Michael doesn’t look horrified but then he's probably used to having his trousers pulled down.

Back to the chicken, I don’t think Sralan is feigning disbelief about the origin of their ‘kosher’ chicken. ‘Are you havin a larf?’ ['Is 'e avin a larf? - Rad] he asks ‘I don’t know why you didn’t go the whole hog and find a Roman Catholic Priest to take the butcher to confession’ Michael is embarrassed. He doesn’t know the yiddish word Sralan just used but he does know schmuck. Hell, I know schmuck but then I also know what Kosher means. Anyway now he's half Jewish [which apparently is impossible. So he probably means he met a Jewish person once - Rad].

Sralan doesn’t give a shit, he’ll fire 3 of them, he’ll fire 5 of them it don’t bother him [Go on , Sralan, fire five of them! - Rad]. Alex interjects that he would be the first to put his hands up if he’d made a mistake. Sralan wants another expression for ‘put your hands up’, don’t start changing all the stock phrases now or how will we play the drinking game? Alex putting his hands up mainly involves blaming Claire for paying £60 too much for the bed spread.

Michael sees an opening to win back some brownie points. I was a good negotiator, I got some good deals he says and you can tell he believes it. Oh Michael, how your bubble is about to be burst. There was that piece of dead cow hide you got down from 2500 to 834 dirhams. The Evil Chin is not happy, she pipes up that she was there too, it was her negotiation. More to the point guys the other team got theirs for 250. Own goal there perhaps? O bless, his face, I almost feel sorry. Almost.

Hang on now the Evil Chin is trying to blame Michael for the ‘chicken article’. Michael told her it would be alright and with his Jewish roots - whoa there Nelly. 5 minutes ago you didn’t know what Kosher means but now you knew enough to think someone with a Jewish back ground would have more knowledge? Michael is right, it is a lie. Claire looks as confused as I feel.

Anyway, enough headless chickens. Margaret goes in for the kill and asks whose idea it was to try and persuade the sports shop not to string Alpha's tennis rackets *Fiona rubs hands with glee*. Evil Chin says that was her idea and then immediately switches to talking about ‘we’, we did, we thought, we asked. A cheap shot suggests Nick to which Evil Chin agrees. Sralan boots all of them out to ‘sit and reflect’, that's what they used to do to us at Sunday School (yeah I know) when we were naughty. Never worked then either.

Alex and Jenny M sit outside saying this is all news to them, SO WHO DID SHE RING AND TELL THEN? Claire is quiet....

The 5 are sent back in and Evil Chin is first up. Now she claims Michael told her to ask for Halal meet and give thanks to Allah. God I am bored of typing this, partly cos I can’t keep track of who she's trying to pin what on now, please save me Sralan...YES THANK YOU God/Allah/Sralan Jenny Evil Chin Celery is FIRED.

‘Who's next?’ asks Teddy Ruckspin

Eviction Coat Watch: black, long, instantly forgettable. Bah

Jenny is shocked, Michael was worse than her whinge whinge.

Back to the boardroom.

Maguire says she's owned up to her mistakes but she's prickly when Sralan says she can’t read I think its more a case that she didn’t read. She's doing Alex’s twisty lip trick - eek!

Michael says he owns his mistakes [Does he bollocks. - Rad] but he's not flash when he get things right. Alex is passionate and full of beans, he gave it 100% and he’d fire Claire for interrupting his negotiations. Is it just me or is that a shit reason? I’d fire Michael personally. Claire thinks Jen should be fired because there were too many mistakes, she bought the wrong items and had to re buy the alarm clock. Well that's a bit more of a solid reason (and Claire is my sweepie).

Jenny's straight back at you Claire, 'it's like working with a Tasmanian devil' says Jenny. It looks weak to round immediately on the person who has criticised you because whether you are right or not it looks like a knee jerk reaction. At least take a second and look like you are absorbing what they’ve said.

Michael steps up to the plate for Claire, she was a fantastic project manager and looked after him. Shocked.

‘Alex’ says Sralan, pause while Alex poos himself, ‘go back to the house’. [I would have loved it if he'd randomly fired Alex, just because - Rad]

The remaining 3 are sent out again. Come on already, just fire Michael for being a stupid tosser and I’ll be happy. Margaret deems him a waste of space and I agree with her (she scares me a bit too). Nick points out he is a Catholic, Margaret is a Protestant (nice to know Sralan does abide by equal ops) and they know what Kosher is. Michael did Classics at Edinbrough, he is a bright boy. Nick can’t understand it. But Margaret's not buying it, ‘Edinbrough’ she declares ‘is not what it used to be’. O they’ll not like that, might be a good idea to check the state of Hadrians wall...

The Boardroom part 576i769707

Jenny Maguire admits she lost control of the task but she still seems intent on blaming Claire but Sralan seems to be liking Claire and she's showing more signs of self awareness. This woman is shaping up to be this year's Badger [No, she isn't. This year's Saira, perhaps. - Rad] and he has softened towards her so I doubt this strategy is going to pay off. But come on it's got to be Michael for the chop.

Sensing that Claire's little speech has cemented her place for next week Jenny turns on Michael and the bribing fiasco. But it wasn’t him he just backed Jenny Chin up he says. Maguire points out you wouldn’t want a liar or a cheat in your company - she has a point. Michael ‘doesn’t want to go mental’ but he wants this more than anything and if Sralan is still apprehensive about him, he should let him be PM again. Can I say what a fucking lame card this one is? [Me, too. I HATE the 'make me PM' card. It was kind of cool when Alexa did it, but since then, no. I want Sralan to call them on that tactic next time - Rad] Of course you’ll try extra hard when you’re PM but you should try that hard every task ARGH!

Sralan can’t be have liars and cheats YAY... o hang on, he was young once, Michael reminds him of himself [At 22? Like fuck is MS 22 - Rad], confusing over enthusiasm yadda yadda WHAT? Fair play to Jenny Maguire ‘if you want liars and cheats in your company fire me now’. ‘You’re making a scapegoat, like a politician or something’ whines Michael. God he is a cunt, a whiny little liar and cheat whose got caught out. He wants his pants taken down and his bum smacking, and while you’re there check for evidence of a foreskin and we can settle that debate too.

Sorry.

Sralan makes it sound like Jenny Maguire is totally 2 faced which I don’t think is actually true. But he fires Jenny Maguire anyway. I don’t believe he's let Michael get away with it! Neither does Michael as he mops his fevered brow.

Eviction coat watch - black belted trench coat. She has a very waspy waist.

On their way back to the house, Claire says the boardroom is just people talking shit, she's been through it twice before and it's making her harder and more resilient. At work her name is the rottweiler. If I were her I’d stop equating myself with dogs, it makes it far too easy for people to draw easy and cruel comparisons.

Back at the house they all assume Michael playing the Jewish card has sealed his fate and are shocked when he walks in.

Next week
Its the National Wedding show, selling wedding dresses. Lucinda in a sexy red number with a tape measure around her neck *swoons and falls over* [Does your husband know about this? - Rad]

Ice, Ice, Baby

Episode five
Broadcast 23 April 2008

Last week, the teams took some photos in shopping centres. Helene’s team had a David Beckham lookalike but Lucinda couldn’t work the computer. Simon’s team set up a ‘glamour’ themed photo shot and ballsed it all up. Everyone started hating on each other, Simon was fired, and Joel recapped it all for you.

We open on the house, where Claire and Jenny chat. Jenny points out that it’s crazy Claire is PM again when five other people haven’t done it yet. Which, yes it is. Oh, hold on a minute, what’s that? Why it’s Sralan doing the obligatory mid-series turn up at the house and get the candidates out of bed routine. Claire goes up to get the others and says ‘Sralan's here, can you just put some PJs on or something’ which leaves me with a horrible mental image of candidates sleeping in the altogether. [Or indeed, sleeping all together. Ew. - Steve]

The candidates are all in the PJs, except Lucinda, who has a matching skirt and sweater, because she is ace in the wardrobe department. Sralan moves Matt Lucas to Renaissance. Claire is the Renaissance PM and Lucinda the PM for Alpha. He says she doesn’t think she’s good at sales or technology so he’s going to find what she is good at. Their task is to work with two ice cream firms that don’t work in London, to help develop several flavours to expand business into London, and the candidates need to go out and sell to trade. I would say this is potentially more interesting than the trade sales tasks in previous series. Anyway, you know the drill, the team that makes the most sales wins, on the other team someone’s ganna get fired.

Claire meets with her team and says to them to tell her if she gets overpowering. Nick winces, presumably he can see this isn’t going to go well. She says they need to think about flavours, and they must come up with a minimum of three. Jennie Celery suggests cocktails, such as pina colada. Claire interjects with vodka and coke: and really, so many jokes. Michael Sophocles says he’s just not sure a family will be going into the cinema to purchase a sex on the beach ice cream. Which is fair enough, so why not do Pina Colada and two other flavours?

Over at team Alpha, they are all about the health food angle: carrots, ginger, ginseng, gogi berries. Lee Mcqueen suggests ‘What about a nice cup of tea?’. I’m sure if tea ice-cream worked, someone would have made it by now, but it’s kind of cute. [It's kind of a brilliant idea all the same. I really wish they'd at least tried it. - Steve]

COUNTYSIDE PORN! For we are, lest we forget, in the country this week. Err, and some very twee music.

Claire and co in the cab. She says their tasting session is in the village hall behind the village pond. They laugh. Michael Sophocles jokes about there being a toothless crow with one arm there, and Claire adds that there will be someone with webbed feet. And seriously, I want them to get fired right now and for this to come back and haunt them. Renaissance are cunts. [It's particularly rich when they're on the same team as Kevin the Slack-Jawed Yokel. - Steve]

Voiceover man tells us we are at Bockingfold Farm in Kent, where Claire and team will represent farmer Alaistair. Look at him, he’s a sweet, kindly business man, with a look of the James from series one about him. I feel sorry for him already.

They have decided to make three ice-creams: berry mania (blueberry, strawberry, cherry), chocolate orange, cider and elderflower. Which: cocktails theme? Anyway, they all sound quite good, so fine.

Alistair tells them for chocolate orange they need to get fifty oranges and hand squeeze them – it’s laborious but gets the best flavour, and Claire says fine. Yes, fifty may be fine but what about when you have to make a large batch? Alistair then says to them that the secret is to be organised. Is this a portent of doom?

George Dawes, Sara and Alex are in the kitchen, cracking eggs into a funky little chute thing. Comedy music. Alex points out they have 1100 of them to get through. The voiceover tells us that Claire has taken ‘Jen’ and Michael to town. JEN? Where did that come from?

We are now at Downsview farm, East Sussex, with Alpha. And a moment, please, because THE BERET IS BACK. Maybe now all of Lucinda’s powers will be restored. They discuss flavours. They have already agreed on toffee apple and cosmopolitan. Lucinda suggests blue cheese and cranberry? There is a silence as everyone silently blees. The Best Salesperson in Europe suggests avocado. Lucinda goes a bit passive here when she says ‘I’m not an avocado fan but I’m not going to stop anyone else from putting that forward’. Anyway, avocado, toffee apple and cosmopolitan it is.

Princess Lindi has been made second in command, and sent to drum up business. They go to a local garage, where she says ‘I’ve come to bring you some good news (to you in David’s town this day is born a child…?). Oh there’s a local farm producing local ice cream (in a local shop for local people?) – and they have a free taste testing.' I was waiting for her to offer some kind of personalised service – spoon washing, perhaps - but sadly not. [24-hour spoon hotline! - Steve]

Alpha are in the kitchen. They have put avocado and chilli in ice-cream? Wrong show, surely, that sounds like the kind of MODERN! BRITISH! Food that will go to Glory at the Gherkin in Great British Menu. There is a lovely lady in the kitchen who seems up for a laugh. Lee smells an ice cream: perfection. Laughs and jollity ensue.

Unusually, Margaret gives a long piece to camera singing Lucinda’s praises and saying she has a nice manner and is doing well at managing her team.

Helene, Lee and the nice woman taste avocado ice cream and say it’s quite nice, and there is general bounciness all round.

Renaissance taste their berry ice cream, which is also nice, but Claire and her half are missing. Matt Lucas is concerned they are ‘almost gonna have to scrap the chocolate orange icecream’ (eh?). In an echo of the Renaissance poshos drink coffee scene from a couple of weeks ago, we see Claire and Michael Sophocles drinking cider.

Back with Alpha, and Raef is on the phone in a pub: ‘Hello, it’s Raef, I’m the CEO of Alpha luxury ice creams’. It’s half cringey, half LOL-worthy. Princess Lindi, The Best Salesperson in Europe and Raef are calling round people to get some potential custom. The Best Salesperson in Europe chats to a cinema guy who agrees to see them, saying to him ‘get ready to taste some of the best ice cream youse have ever had in your whole entire life’. He sounds unconvinced. Raef then businessprattles about one hit, that’s all you need, it just boosts you, its like a snowball effect in fact. The Best Salesperson in Europe says to camera ‘I’m very pleased with the independent cnemas, pyulral (sic) I managed to bag today. I’m very pleased with myself’. Anyone else think this is coming back to bite her later? The voiceover says that with six sales meetings secured, Lucinda’s sales team put down their phones and pick up their knves and forks. Dum dum durrrrr. Although, I know we are supposed to see this as a bit of self-congratulatory slacking off, but they do have to eat, right? Anyway, they all congratulate each other. It won't be for the last time.

Back with Renaissance, Clare’s team return with the oranges and stuff. They ask the kitchen team ‘shall we leave you to it?’ Alex and H from Steps bitch about it being a fucking joke. The voiceover informs us that no-one has been invited for the product tasting. Claire is shown in the car saying she doesn’t think a huge amount will happen around here, this might be the talk of the village, that there’ll be old ladies talking in the post office about it. And seriously, how patronising and offensive can you get?

They find the pond and village hall and decide to disturb a yoga class. I’m not convinced a yoga place is the best environment to find ice cream tasters, but whatevs. Michael Sophocles explains what they doing and asks if the villagers are around for a tasting at 8.30. They all say no, in unison. Heh, country web-footed, blind crowy yokels 1, Renaissance O.

Claire outside says ‘just think about it, they’re in their weekly yoga class in the village hall and in walks a random guy, asking them about ice cream’. Indeed, Claire.

In Lucinda’s kitchen, their ice-cream is finished. Lee McQueen tastes it and says ‘I’m telling you now that is a toffee apple (and when Lee McQueen tells you that’s a toffee apple, that’s a toffee apple). Helene laughs, and it’s all much jollier than last week.

Lee McQueen tells the lovely ice cream lady that they, no she, is gonna make millions. Awww.

Princess Lindi is in their local village hall , and in a primary school teacher fashion, explains what will happen and checks everyone has a spoon. She tells them ‘the thing you have just tasted is a cosmopolitan’. Woman 1: ‘I’m not sure. It tastes of nothing’. Princess Lindi: ‘so it’s a cocktail we’ve made into an ice cream’. Woman 2: ‘it tastes like mashed potato’. Seriously, villagers for the win.

The villagers are told they’ve just had avocado and a kid gag faces. A woman says it was actually quite tasty. People apparently like the toffee apple, too, so toffee and avocado go through. Princess Lindi saying she thinks they’ll have no problem making their sales and blowing the other team out of the water, it’s going to be a walk in the park, businesscliche, businesscliche.

The voiceover tells us that Claire’s team are still in the kitchen and are thirty minutes late for their tasting session. They arrive at their venue, where the lights are off and nobody’s home. Michael Sophocles tries his luck at the local pub. He collars two men and says ‘We really need some people with discerning palates who know about food to taste the ice creams’. Man 1 slurs: ‘do you think we are going to have discerning opinions after a couple of good bottles of wine?’ Absolute win. I LOVE THE VILLAGERS. MS: ‘well I think if you’ve got a good palate, you’ve got a good palate, no matter how you’ve had to drink. Look, I can see you're clearly busy…’ Clearly, they’re not, so this is just another case of Renaissance’s crack negotiators strike again. The man retorts back that yes, they are really busy (can he be The Apprentice, please?). They taste them anyway. In the car park. Seriously, the two drinking men from the pub are the only people tasting it. Nick is in the background making notes, presumably which say ‘ZOMG Alan employ the villagers instead of these numpties’.

Jenny Celerie asks ‘would your wife go for those?’ Man 2 says ‘I don’t have a wife but I think my sister in law would like them’. Man 2 says ‘my EX wife would like the first one’. Villagers approximately 8, 000, 000. Renaissance 0. And that, folks, was the sum total of Renaissance’s tasting session.

Alpha are at the house. Lucinda says she wants to mix up the teams, Princess Lindi with Helene and Lee, her with the others. The silence is so thick you could cut it with a knife. Lucinda says, ok that went down like a lead balloon. The Best Salesperson in Europe bitches that no-one liked it. Lucinda says 'oh well, we're all tired, lets go to bed'.

Drums of doom music, night to day London porn. [Though obviously London can never compare to Beautiful Cardiff. - Steve]

Alpha are all dressed up and full of pep, saying they have all great appointments, they’re a great team, come on let's do it etc. The two sub-teams remain as they were.

There is comedy bumbling music at the house as Claire holds a team meeting. The obligatory flipchart of business bullshit is out (drrrink). They apparently only have two concrete appointments. Alex bitches about how Claire and co had all day yesterday to make appointments, and they’d get fired if they were in telesales. [And Alex was doing...what? He bitched that he couldn't make the ice-cream because Claire hadn't come back with the oranges, so why didn't he use his downtime to make some sales calls off his own back? You are such a lazy fuck, Alex. - Steve]

Princess Lindi’s team are in an independent shop. They tell the owner the ice-cream is called avocadolicious. Its called what now? Lucinda and co go to their second appointment… at an ice cream parlour. Helene pitches. The owner points out they make their own ice cream. As they leave, Lucinda says it was a bit of a fuck up but let’s move on. Helene grumbles about the SALES TEAM OF AWESOME and says its not about quantity of appointments but quality. The car of overconfidence call Lucinda and say they got first order for a WHOLE 15 LITRES and give themselves big woohoos. Lucinda points out some of the stores they have been to have their own ice cream maker. Princess Lindi says we can still sell to them, Lucinda says if they not going to buy, they not going to buy, but you’re the sales team you know best. In car, The Best Salesperson in Europe asks Princess Lindi if she’s worried. Princess Lindi says she isn’t, she’s just pissed off about people telling her how to do things she knows how to do (which wasn’t the case, Lucinda was simply pointing out that half the leads were total crap). I sense she will be in danger of getting fiyud if Alpha end up in the boardroom.

Renaissance are going door to door. Daffyd and co go to a cinema. The names of their ice creams are: Veryberry and Ciderlicious (a bit better than Alpha’s effort). Vikki Pollard tells the man that says more people are drinking cider, its almost the new champagne, which I suppose is true for a school-girl like her, but isn’t really the case for anyone else. Anyway, the manager says he likes them, they are good, but all products have to go through head office because they are one of 18 cinemas. They arrange another meeting back at three. Alex says ‘we are potentially gonna secure a MASSIVE deal’.

Notting Hill: The salesteam of WE IZ WIN meet with another cinema in the same chain as Renaissance, only they meet with the chain’s manager and head buyer. The Best Salesperson in Europe is quite pushy, saying ‘if you buy today, which I’m sure you will, you will have the exclusive cinema rights on these.’ They decide to order 100 products. A cinema man calls Alex and tells him Alpha made the sale already. Alex gets stroppy. He goes back in and the manager says they can’t do it. Kenny Craig says it’s game over and totally looks like he’s going to cry. When they tell Claire about Alpha, her face is a mix of impressed and how dare they disgusted. She says it’s a shame, really bad news for them but they can’t do anything about it now.

Voiceover man tells us that Claire’s door to door strategy only sold 30 litres. Claire goes on about how they’ve got to be positive, keep momentum etc. Sara makes a good sale – I like Sara, I think she might win this whole show, you know. [Me too. She's doing the whole stealth competence thing quite well. - Steve] Alex says its about big deals not small ones: if you fail to prepare, you prepare to fail and that’s what Claire’s done. Anyone sense that if Renaissance lose, Claire and Alex will be having a boardroom bitch-off?

In an independent café type shop, a woman takes a small order. Nick says this is the perfect shop for them, and if they had one of these orders every hour they’d do well. Nick says he thinks they’re in trouble.

Lucinda and team go to specialist outlets, and piece about how the avocado ice-cream can be a starter or dessert (Great British Menu is soooo calling). Lee McQueen has fallen a little bit in love with Lucinda and says she has been brilliant: cool, calm, collected. She’s clearly a manager.

Princess Lindi is with the chief buyer of a chain of gastropubs. He asks for them to agree the prduct won’t go into other pubs for three months (so let's hope Lucinda et al haven’t sold to any pubs, eh?). They decide to do that. The man orders 130 litres. Princess Lindi says it was all so easy, and the TEAM OF TEH AWESOME SALEZ go on about how they are utterly amazing and haven’t a care in the world.

Bubbles DeVere and Alex finish some more deals off. Renaissance go to a final meeting at ‘a trendy bar and grill’. They make a deal for 200 litres, £800, which suddenly makes Alpha look a bit threatened for the only time all episode.

Back at the house, Alpha big themselves up in the kitchen to the others. They are all eating Muller yoghurt, not ice cream, which made me chuckle. Princess Lindi bitches to camera about how she was more of a PM than Lucinda. Claire says she feels a guillotine literally (drink!) inches away from her neck.

In the boardroom Sralan bigs himself up a bit by saying it was all about doing good deeds for farmers, which is almost as patronising as Renaissance’s village bitching, but anyway.

Over to Renaissance. Was Claire a good PM? Jenny and Damon Albarn say she was. I call lies. Sralan asks about their ice cream. Sara tells him about Veryberry being healthy. Sralan is all like: ice cream, healthy? Sara says that berries are full of antioxidants. SR: but all the fat…? Nick says they were trying to persuade mothers to give kids five helpings a day because of the five fruit and veg thing. Kristina and lollies to children springs to mind and why weren’t we shown this? Claire tells him about the cider one. He asks about their testing. Jenny Celery says they had fewer people than expected so got two guys from the pub who may have been slightly intoxicated. Sralan: ‘two drunks? I’m gonna have a flying guess at which one they liked?’ Heh. Sralan calls them on their uselessness.

We turn to Alpha. Their tasting went well. Helene and Lee say Lucinda was a good PM and Lee sings her praises some more. The Best Salesperson in Europe says that Lucinda’s been more positive but she wouldn’t say she was a great team leader. Princess Lindi bigs herself up, saying they managed to book six appointments. Margaret continues her four-series streak of being awesome by pointing out three of them made their own ice cream. Sralan chuckles and asks if they’d thought about that before. Raef babbles on about selling anyway, Sralan tells him he’d be wasting his bladdy time (drink!). Lucinda says she tried to mix up the teams, and Sralan says it was a good idea, he would do that himself. I think he is developing the Lucinda love. Has she been taking magic vag lessons off Swimbint from Hollyoaks? Lucinda says she got a very negative response and The Best Salesperson in Europe lies that she would have done whatever Lucinda wanted. So. Much. Haaaaate. [Oh, I don't doubt she would have done it, but she'd have moaned and whined and dragged her heels and done it as ineptly as possible on purpose, much like Claire and Alex did to Simon last week. - Steve]

Onto the numbers: Alpha, orders £1273.74. Renaissance: £1455.45. Seriously, what the fuck? They did not deserve that victory, and let’s hope they appreciate that.

Sralan says to them that it’s not just about sales, it’s about finding the farmer those new deals, its like gold dust to him. Claire cries. As well she might, she knows how lucky she’s been this week. I don’t share the Claire hate a lot of people out there do, but this week she should really have been fired. End of.

Their prize is a helicopter ride to learn archery and golf. What a shite prize. [I kept hoping someone was going to accidentally fire an arrow into Kevin, but to no avail. - Steve]

Sralan says that despite £1200 sales, Lucinda’s team lost (in other words, this is one of those weeks where both teams did quite well). He talks to Margaret and Nick and says they did some good for British farmers, and seriously, enough with the patronising already. Nick says Claire was a changed person after Sralan’s talk which: notsomuch.

In the café of crap, The Best Salesperson in Europe says she never bitched about the teams. Lucinda says it was the looks she was giving and some people in the team have a problem with her. Lee McQueen steps in and says there was no issue then we got in boardroom, now there’s an issue (Lee McQueen has become all awesome this episode. Lee McQueen and Sara for the final four, surely?) and bigs up his new TL4E some more. Helene pieces to camera that The Best Salesperson in Europe is a bitch, and Lucinda did really well. The Best Salesperson in Europe says she’s gutted as this was one of her best tasks, which is fair enough, as if I’d lost to the shower of shite that was Renaissance in this episode, I’d be pissed too.

In the boardroom of blue, Sralan says the key to the task was the leads, and asks what the marketing team were doing? Princess Lindi says they did their best, that admittedly some of the leads weren’t as god as they should have been, but they put their all in etc. Sralan calls her on her use of clichés. Lucinda says Helene managed an appointment through cold calling, despite being on the kitchen team [yeah ALEX - Steve], so why couldn’t the others? Helene says accountability needs to be with the sales force as the product was good. Sralan asks about the aborted team splitting up and Lucinda says The Best Salesperson in Europe was giving it all negative body language, and that Helene had expressed concerns about working with Jennifer. Helene turns and fake faces a ‘no I didn’t’, which is as bad a bit of boardroom turncoating as Alex last week. The ladies bitch a bit.

Margaret tells them off and brings up the cinema chain and them offering exclusivity without the chain asking for it. The Best Salesperson in Europe says she offered them it, she thought it was a good business deal. Sralan is incredulous: exclusivity for cinemas for the whole of London? On what basis would you do that? And he brings up the point of, you know, the farmer whose business this is. The Best Salesperson in Europe makes a bullshit excuse about them coping with the capacity, which Sralan pulls to pieces. Raef says they didn’t discuss exclusivity before going to the meeting and thinks Jennifer was just excited by doing the deal. The Best Salesperson in Europe then lands no longer BFF Princess Lindi in it about the pub deal. Princess Lindi says it was for three months and only for chains. Lucinda points out one of the other pubs they went to was a chain. Sralan says they no right offering any exclusivity whatsoever, they potentially lost the farmer business and had he known this earlier on, these sales would have been void.

Surprise surprise, Princess Lindi and The Best Salesperson in Europe are coming back in with Lucinda, and one of them IS GANNA GET FIYUD.

Sralan asks Lucinda if she used skills from her job, she said she did. He says ‘you’re in risk assessment, better start assessing the risk of you being fired’. Sralan says to Princess Lindi that she was put in charge of sales, and they lost on sales. She babbles on about nothing much before blaming The Best Salesperson in Europe on the exclusivity. He asks why she didn’t pipe up. She said she thought they may have lost customer. Sralan: ‘sometimes you have to, you cant give away the shop’. L: ‘I totally agree with you’. (Whatevs). [Seriously, the "why didn't you stop her?" bit was irrelevant. Once someone's put it on the table in a meeting, you can't overrule them like that because it makes you all look incompetent. Although they should have discussed things like this beforehand, and WINNAR OF SALES FOAR EUROPE should've known better than to offer it in the first place. - Steve]

The Best Salesperson in Europe and Princess Lindi bitch about each other and Lucinda looks there, looking a bit relieved. The Best Salesperson in Europe tells Sralan to ask any PM except Lucinda about her, she’s always given support. Nick says he’s always felt a chill in the air between her and the others. It’s not quite ‘lips for sin’, but a pretty good burn nonetheless.

Princess Lindi babbles at Sralan, he asks who should be fired, she babbles to get out of it and then says on this task Jennifer. The Best Salesperson in Europe butts in and says Lindi was complimenting her the whole task. They bitch at each other a bit.

Sralan talks to Lucinda: does he need a risk assessor? To The Best Salesperson in Europe: she screwed up big time, what she did was unforgiveable, she is cold with people, he doesn’t just need a sales person. But Princess Lindi was ultimately responsible, so Princess Lindi is fired.

He turns to The Best Salesperson in Europe and apparently she said on her application form that one of her weaknesses is giving idiots a second chance, well maybe it’s rubbed off on him because she has a second chance. Getting burned by both Nick and Sralan in quick succession is some going, it does not bode well for The Best Salesperson in Europe.

Back at the house, Alex thinks Lucinda is coming back, Raef thinks not, and most people seem to hate The Best Salesperson in Europe. They are all shocked at who returns.

Coat watch: a nice green belted thing. Good work, Princess Lindi.

In the house, Helene bitches about Lucinda calling her on her bitchiness, and seriously, I am really going off Helene now. [Also, The Best Salesperson in Europe repeated Sralan's line about the chill between her and the others, expecting a rebuttal only to be greeted with an appropriately frosty silence. It was awesome. - Steve]

Princess Lindi in the cab says that Sralan has not seen how special she is. Princess, why would you want some crappy job running one of his failing businesses like previous winners, when you should be sitting on a throne or something anyway?

That’s it for this week. Join us next week when our hapless anti-heroes have to create an event to sell greetings cards. One of the teams plumps for ‘singles day’ (as in being single, not 7”s, as the latter would be made of win, and this is a task clearly made of lose) and Jenny Celery makes a young boy cry. I call both teams doing badly, and someone getting fired.