You can't take glamour to Bluewater

Episode 4
Airdate 16/04/2008

Usual bumph. Sralan says that he’s unique. His entire business empire is worth £800 million, which…isn’t that much really. A lot for your personal fortune, yes, but for your entire business in all its forms to be worth £800m isn’t that shocking, really. The people that wanted to buy Sainsbury were going to give over £10 billion.

So, last week the task was to set up restaurants in pubs. The girls thought it would be a good idea to sell tickets, which they got printed for free, thereby guaranteeing themselves money; cook curry, which is easy to do in bulk; and have a strong theme to draw in punters. The boys thought it would be a good idea to pay lots of money for their flyers; cook Italian, which requires more portion control; buy all their ingredients in Tesco; give their customers a half pizza when they ran out; and price things without knowing what they would cost. Surprisingly, the girls won. Ian was fired for being incompetent, unable to read a room, and kind of a liar.

The phone rings at 6.20 in the morning. A woman answers, but I’m too disappointed that it’s still not Alex in tiny pants that I don’t care who she is. To add insult injury, they show us Raef in the shower. Which, ew. They have to meet Sralan in half an hour. Jenny Celery thinks they’ll be doing canal boats, for some reason, but instead they got to the Wallace Collection in Marylebone. Or Marry Lee Bun, according to voiceover man [Was I the only one that noticed Raef looking around thee room with an 'o yes i iz no art, i iz b kulchered' expression on his face? - Rad]. There’s a big shot of The Laughing Cavalier. In the normal tenuous Apprentice way, Sralan tries to talk about art (and fails) before saying that there are some portraits here and so the teams will be taking photographic portraits of people. Because that’s the same. Simon is like ZOMG YES PHOTOS! We shall see why. Sralan tells the contestants that he’s found them the biggest shopping centre in the world ever ZOMG. As though it was just lying around and he stumbled across it.

Sralan is ANGRY and UPSET about all the BAD ATMOSPHERE among the teams, so in a Shock! Twist! he’s going to muddle them up. Jenny Celery, Sara and Claire go to the boys. Raef, Lee and Kevin go to the girls. In a shocking departure, the team with the most profit wins and someone gets fired from the losing team.

They’re going to Bluewater to take the photos, where ‘Shoppers are known as guests’. There are 27million of these guest a year.

Simon is like GIEF leadership! He’s very very keen to be in charge. He talks about his 170 IQ [And at this point, my notes read 'Simon to be fired' because I figure proclaiming your intelligence on this show is always a sign of imminent doom - Rad], so I lose all respect for him immediately. He doesn’t really earn it back during the episode. (Spoiler!) Alex and Claire, particularly, demand to know why he should be leader. His best friend is a cameraman so he knows about lenses and photos and the lingo, and he knows Bluewater because he’s from there. [I believe he may also actually say 'these are my people' - Fiona] Alex wants him to stay on the ball. Simon says he’ll stay calm. And if not, he’ll get fired, so it’s okay. Claire says she doesn’t care if he gets fired, she wants to win the task. Which, yay – refreshing change from looking who to blame from word go. [If only she'd kept up that attitude for longer than 30 seconds. - Steve]

Helene will be in charge of the other team. She tells us she has balls. Kevin tells the team that he is really good at selling. Helene puts Raef and Lucinda in the back room to do technical stuff. Lucinda protests, strongly and clearly, that she can’t even use a mobile phone; she doesn’t know how to use a digital camera; she is a complete technical incompetent and it would be a terrible idea to put her in charge of anything involving technology. Helene is like ‘suck it up and do as you’re told, stop being difficult’.

Simon wants to put Alex as second in command; Alex is being a twit and being all ‘are you sure you want to do that? Don’t abdicate responsibility’. He very clearly wants absolutely nothing to do with the role. Simon’s like, ‘okay, Claire, you do it.’ She says yes. Alex looks all screwface and pissed off and it’s like, don’t say you don’t want it then get pissy when it’s taken away. You’re pretty, but you’re not so pretty I can’t think you’re a twat.

Simon chooses a beauty and glamour theme, because women who shop in Bluewater are orange-skinned chavs and it’d be nice for them to look nice for once in a while. That is literally his logic. In the other cab, Claire says he’s a toddler and too emotional.

Simon looks for props for his glamorous photo shoot. Simon lies on the floor to show what he means by glamour. Sophocles doesn’t think it’s a theme. He says that it’s just a word, and I kind of see his point.

Both teams will print photos onto anything, not just paper – so mugs, jigsaws, what have you. Helene goes to a digital printers. Raef is in charge of processing images. Lucinda is in charge of the computer. She’s still a bit scared of it.

Helene decides to gets a lookalike for her theme. Del Boy. Queen Victoria. Cherie Blair? George Clooney? A really old Britney Spears, who makes me want to cry. [Not wanting to be an utter bastard, but "Britney" was not trim enough for that tight red PVC catsuit. - Steve] Cherie also does Thatcher. Then a Beckham lookalike comes in, accompanied by romantic Italian strings. Lindi drools. Beckham is the winner.

Simon is still looking for props. And you know what store is synonymous with glamour? That’s right. Poundstretcher. That’s where Simon looks for nice props with Sara and Michael. The rest of the team learns how to use the printer. Simon phones. Claire says ‘you called us’ and he’s like ‘oh yeah’. He’s found some cheap sparkling wine. Claire asks if he got glasses for the wine. He says that he’s looking for champagne flutes, and that Claire shouldn’t call him an idiot. She’s like, ‘I didn’t, you cunt, I asked a question. It’s easy to forget things.’ Everyone hates Claire, it seems, but it’s points like this that I don’t see the problem with her. She was right. Simon is going to look at frames, for the pictures. Claire and Alex are like ‘you’ve delegated products to us. We’ve priced it without frames. We don’t need frames.’ Simon’s, like, ‘I want to look at frames, and I’m the boss, so I’m going to, and you bastards with your logical pricing structures aren’t going to stop me, because I’m the BOSS.’ Simon is also going to cut up his shirts to dress the customers in, to make a nice dress shirt [Everything about Simon's idea for the photoshoot gave me the heebiejeebies - Rad]. Sara is in charge of glamourising the women and playing with their bra straps to make them look sexy. Don’t look at me like that. I’m just reporting what happened.

180,000 shoppers are expected. Stop advertising Bluewater. Teams can only accept payment once the photos are printed. Well, good. Lucinda is in charge of formatting things on the computer, Rafe is printing things out. Helene ‘oversees’. The word oversee has its roots in the Old French ‘oversee’, which literally means, ‘to do nothing at all except bitch people out and consider yourself above doing work because you’re The Boss’.

Simon’s like ‘listen to me’ and fires more random babble at his team and sets up his spot, which gets busy busy. Their glamorous backdrop…isn’t. At all. It’s red. And it appears to have some giant mushrooms? Which might be seats. But it ain’t glam. There’s not even any leopard print.

The Beckham shoot is £15.99 [£15.99!!! - Fiona] a picture, plus more for other stuff like mugs &c. They’ve spent £590 on materials and stuff for the shoot, so they have to make that much before they can turn a profit. All costs are deducted from proceeds.

All Simon’s team are selling. Alex is like, let me do it and stop telling me what to do, because I can do it well if you let me. Jenny Celery says they’ve spent 20 minutes arguing rather than taking photos. Claire tries to make a comment, Simon says ‘don’t tell me how to manage’ even though she was just saying one thing and basically babbles like a cunt and acts like one and still has a massive stick up his arse about how he is The Boss.

Kevin comes in and tells the backroom team to make mugs in 20 minutes. There’s a lovely little edit that runs thusly:
Voiceover man: ‘The only person trained to use the equipment…’
Lucinda: ‘Oh fuck’
Voiceover man: ‘… is Lucinda.’
Lucinda says, ‘I don’t know how to do this.’ Lindi sells more stuff, unaware that the printing is fucked. Raef fucks up a mug. It seems that his whole role is peeling off the sticky paper from the printed items, which: give that to Lucinda the technical incompetent. I’m sure she can peel a sticker [And probably better than Raef and his kerrazy upside-down method- Rad].

Simon’s team sell. Sophocles is charming, trying to get some ladies to have a photo. Simon is gross, doing the same thing, being all ‘don’t make me pick you up and put you on the chair!’ [I thought Sophocles was just as gross, to be honest. He sounded like he was going to take them away and cut them up in bin bags once he was finished photographing them. - Steve] They’re charging £24.99 for platinum package of portrait, keyring, and jigsaw. Who the fuck would want a jigsaw of their own face? How Cubist. £580 invested, so that’s how much they have to make back.

Simon says he is David Bailey. Renaissance – finally, we know which team remains which - log their shot numbers so that they can process the photos. But no-one is printing the pictures. Claire goes off to print stuff with Alex and Jenny Celery. The shot numbers don’t show up on the computer, so the log of numbers is rendered useless. They tell Simon that, but it doesn’t register, or he doesn’t really care, or something, cos he just carries on with photos. We see a girl with her kids saying ‘bored now, leaving.’ Margaret says ‘they is leaving lol, this team is teh suck.’ [And can I just say here: the woman in jeans with a bit of purple cloth strung round her top half and a brooch flung on to make her look 'glamourous'? She has the biggest sympathy of the night from me - Rad]

Lucinda still can’t work the computer [Which - why apply to work for Alan Sugar then? Also which - what the hell have you been doing for the last fifteen years? - Rad]. She says, ‘I managed to burn a CD this morning, I don’t know how.’ She says that she really shouldn’t be doing the technical stuff and Helene’s like ‘it’s my decision!’ and it’s like, ‘yeah, you decided to assign someone something she specifically said she can’t do. Good going, Brains Trust’ Nick is not happy. A soundtrack of ominous Windows noises suggesting errors of various kinds are occurring. Lee says to stop selling so they can clear the backlog. Best idea anyone has for the whole episode. The stand closes. AT THE MOST BUSY TIME OF DAY. They try to make it seem like a mistake, but it’s clearly a good idea.

Montage of Bluewater. Yo Sushi. A child. People wander about.

Simon’s team still can’t work the numbers. People are getting pissy. Simon calls Claire to the sales floor. Simon says his team are not ‘pulling in my direction’ and that Claire is impossible to manage. And again, everyone else seems to hate her and agree with Simon, but from my view, she was just trying to tell him not to be a retard and/or an arsehole. [True, but she started saying that long before he started being a retard or an arsehole, and it's the same thing she was doing to Sara last week. I guess we're going to have to agree to disagree on this one. Claire sucks. - Steve] He’s makes Claire go back and forth, describing the people and the shots so that they can get printed. It’s a 10 minute walk.

Simon’s team are printing things wrong. A guy is like ‘yeah, this is bullshit, where are my photos?’ There is a ‘rogue photo’ floating around. Alex and Claire look at a jigsaw and say ‘he’s on crack’ but they mean Simon, not the little boy in the photo. Simon is like ‘fuck fuck fuckity, I’m shutting the stall.’ He says to camera that if he loses it’s his fault cos he last control and he’s depressed and tells the cameras to leave him alone. Twat. Boo hoo. It’s not because you lost control, it’s because you were trying to hard to have it and shouted down everyone. [Again, as I saw it, faced with a team like Alex and Claire who were determined not to listen from the word go, he didn't have much of a choice. But again, it's all a question of perception, I guess. I'm not trying to undermine you. OR AM I? - Steve] [Well, I thought all three of them were pretty nasty pieces of work this week and hated them all, I don't think it has to be an either/or situation - Rad]

Helene’s team aren’t selling. Or printing. Lucinda says. ‘Do not speak to me like that!’ Helene goes on about how she spent 11 hours in the kitchen on the restaurant task (she said it was 10 earlier) and she didn’t want to do it, so Lucinda should do this. They squabble. Lucinda says she can’t do stuff, and Helene says ‘Raef makes mugs all the time!’, presumably meaning they’re all doing things they’re new to. She goes on and on about how she didn’t like being in the kitchen’ and if she is so shit that she can’t see the difference between making people do things they don’t want to do and making them do things they are incapable of, then there’s not much hope for her as a manager. Lucinda attempting to sell herself as a businesswoman when she can barely turn on a computer is a separate issue, but does really make her suck, quite a lot, lovely as she is. [And...does she not know what sort of business Sralan is in? - Steve]

Claire reassures Simon they broke even. Helene can only print onto standard A4. For £15.99. Jesus fucking Christ. Lucinda says she’s ecstatic to print onto paper. Apparently, though, some people are willing to pay £16 for a photo on A4 of themselves with a David Beckham lookalike. Who knew? [The David Beckham lookalike for the win. He was awesome, especially when he rivalled Margaret and Nick for disdainful stares at the candidates. - Rad].

They pack up and go home and blah.

Boardroom. Lucinda has her beret on! They say, ‘Morning Sralan’, like at an assembly. Sralan asks what Team Helene sold. Kevin says they did not make stuff. Helene says it was cos Lucinda was shit. Sralan says, ‘Why didn’t you say you wee shit?’ Lucinda says that she did, repeatedly. Helene outright lies and says that Lucinda didn’t say she couldn’t do it. Nick says she should have shuffled the team, and she was wishy washy. I wouldn’t say wishy washy so much as completely bullheaded and refusing to change her decision about Lucinda, because then if she lost she wouldn’t have a scapegoat.

Simon’s theme was glamour. He generalises about ‘dowdy’ shoppers being made pretty. Claire tries to disagree but Sralan shushes her. There were some ‘ordering issues’, which Simon reckons lost him a couple of hundred pounds. Sralan is like ‘You couldn’t print either? You’re shit too? Fucking hell!’ Simon’s team made a £73 loss. Helene’s team made £145 profit. They get sailed to the Isle of Wight on a yacht for a dinner. Yeah, well done. That’s £145, between Helene, Lee, Lucinda, Kevin, Raef, Lindi, and the invisible other Jenny. So, just under £20 each for a day’s work. Yep. That’s the way to make your fortune. [That was my thinking too. Even if you were only running a team of three, which is probably the bare minimum you could get away with, you wouldn't have made enough to earn a decent wage between you. - Steve]

In perhaps the best Apprentice moment ever, Sralan says,‘Interestingly enough, I’ve got to go off now, I’m going to have LUNCH, with the PRIME MINISTER’.

Helene thinks she has a lot of credibility and Lucinda should stand up and prove herself, but she’s shit and won’t. And, kind of, yeah. I love Lucinda and her nice clothes and saying ‘fuck’ in a posh voice, but being lovely doesn’t necessarily mean good at business. Helene’s still a bitch, though. [I liked Helene until this week. I am sad now. - Steve] [Me too. I even have her in a sweepstake and as an avatar and everything. Now I am torn as to whether to use another sweepstake pick, Keisha from I'd Do Anything instead - Rad].

Jenny Celery is taken aback by the loss. She was certain they’d won. Simon says people want to abdicate responsibility but he’ll fight his corner. Back into the boardroom. Sralan asks what happened when Simon was leader. Claire said he was like a missile that would go off in your face. Sralan thinks she shows no respect. ‘You’re in the team, and the team’s got to win.’ Sralan still loves Simon and rips Claire a new one for about five minutes about being rude and a bitch and mean and unmanageable. Margaret says they didn’t communicate enough and treated Simon like dirt.

Simon says that Alex said he didn’t want to be second in command. Alex says he didn’t say that, that he didn’t back down. Margaret says ‘you stepped so far back from it, you were practically out of the room’. HA! Love Margaret. [Even better was when she looked witheringly at him and said "ALEX! I was THERE." Margaret is so awesome. - Steve] Sralan says there was panic from 10.30 til 1 o’clock. Jenny and Alex say they didn’t know what was going on on the ‘shop floor’ and there was no communication. They didn’t know there were angry customers and so on. Sralan asks whose fault it was. Alex says that originally he thought Simon, but, ‘hearing it now’ he thinks maybe it was Claire’s fault. And that’s awesome. I’m sorry, I know it’s turncoaty and two-faced and backstabby, but people not being able to read Sralan’s massively sign-posted opinions bugs the hell out of me. Alex was specially blatant about it, but he just sucked up to Sralan, which is what you do to win this shitty show. [The look on Jenny Celery's face as all of this happens suggest she agrees with you. She looked simultaneously disgusted and admiring of Alex's toadiness. - Steve] Simon brings back Alex and Claire. Nick says Claire failed as a link. NotFrances sends them back through.

Simon says Claire was dismissive and unmanageable. Claire tries to speak. Simon says that she doesn’t know how to speak to people, she’s dismissive, rude &c. He said ‘I’m project manager’ and she said ‘don’t be autocratic’, is his evidence of this. But he was being, he spent the whole day saying ‘I’m the MANAGER’ and not listening to people. Claire and Alex communicated badly, yes, but he refused to listen also. Sralan says that Claire’s application form said she was basically a bit of a bitch and he’s not sure he likes bitches. Which is a lie. He just doesn’t like brunette bitches. Claire says that Alex is lying for saying he didn’t know what was going on. Simon says everyone is trying to pass the buck. Simon says that he was all good on the floor, making people laugh and getting customers. Srlalan says that makes it worse: ‘I drummed up a lot of business and then screwed everything else up!’ Sralan says Simon lost him money. Simon says it won’t happen again. Sralan’s like damn straight, bitch. Claire thinks she’s a scapegoat. Simon says she’s not, but he could have made a lot of money ‘this morning’ if there weren’t the problems. This morning?! The Apprentice LIES!! How can that be the same day, if Sralan went out to LUNCH with the PRIME MINISTER and they spent the whole day at Bluewater?.

Claire says she was bold and took chances and that she doesn’t want to be one of those people that flies under the radar for weeks and doesn’t get fired because people forget they’re even there. Sralan yells at her. ‘I’m sick of looking at you!’ and ‘Get out! Get out that door!’ and then ‘Get out that door and back to the house. I’m sick of looking at you and you’re PM next week.’ Then, with a sense of crushing inevitability, he says to Simon, you can build a wall, or dig a trench, but you can’t manage my portfolio. ‘With regret, you’re fired.’ Yeah. He was shit. He was awesome in the first weeks but exploded spectacularly as PM. NotFrances tells him the cab’s ready, and he says ‘Thank you Frances.’ Which, what a gent, but what? She’s NotFrances, not Frances. It must be like Officer Jenny and Nurse Joy from Pokemon. Okay, the Franceses look different, but there must be a factory somewhere. CoatWatch. Black. Plain. Nice but unadventurous. Much like Simon.

Raef, wearing a pink jersey, says Claire will go. They do a drumroll and Claire comes in. Claire announces that she’ll have to be PM next week [Which I don't like. She's already been PM and there are a stack of people who haven't had a go yet - Rad][Its alright, no one else liked it either judging by their faces!- Fiona]. Awesomely, Lucinda looks worried by Claire being PM. She twiddles her glasses.

In the cab, Simon says ‘I give it my best shot.’ You gave it your best shot. Past tense is your friend. He says he made everyone smile in the shopping centre, again. Not really the best business credential.

Next week. Alex in a vest. [I hate him, but yay! - Steve] And something about being an Apprentice. But mostly, Alex in a vest.


YOU’RE FIRED HIGHLIGHTS

Photographer Terry O’Neill, Fi Glover and Trevor Nelson are the guests.

Simon says that he sucks and is a loser and deserved to go, and that ‘if you lose Sralan money, you’ve got to go’. He’s fairly stoic. He thought he’d go through a trapdoor when he said ‘Alan’ instead of Sralan.
They laugh at Simon’s photos, particularly the old woman draped in a purple sheet, which is not glamorous, so much.
We get a little recap of Lucinda saying she can’t use computers, then Helene denying she said it, a little loop of Helene saying ‘You didn’t,’ about five times. Fi Glover hates Helene. Simon thinks Helene is actually straight down the line. Sure. If ‘straight down the line’ means ‘bitch’, then yeah. We get to see Jenny Celery’s lizard-eyes dart side to side when Sralan tells off Claire. It’s awesome.
When Sralan said ‘get out that door’ Simon thought ‘I’ve got a result here’ but when he went on to say ‘back to the house’ he realised he was doomed.
The majority of the audience thought he shouldn’t have been fired, which is nice.

That’s it. You’re Fired isn’t really very interesting.

Cooking Up Trouble

Episode 3 Aired 9 April 2008

Its business as per usual for the first 1 minute and 24 seconds. If you haven’t committed the London porn and catchphrase montage to memory just yet click here.

Previously on The Apprentice, dirty laundry was the order of the day. The boys managed to win a contract with a hotel and washed, dried and ironed theirs. They won the task, got sweaty and bonded. The girls meanwhile wasted time airing theirs in public and lost. Shazia’s whimper as the axe swung down still makes me feel slightly tearful. But that was last week people, live in the now.

Its 6am, it's dark and the phone starts to ring. I am hold my breath without realising it, ‘please’ I beg ‘let Alex’s PJs be in the wash’. My heartfelt plea is rewarded with... shit, it’s the Celerie...In a rug? And she already has a damn scarf on! Its Francis, Sralan would like to see them at the Tate Modern and the cars will be there in 30 minutes. Little tousled heads are poking out of doors, Celerie heads back upstairs shouting 30 minutes and the ballet of revolving shower doors (is Claire wearing her pearls as she comes out of the shower?) and electric toothbrushes begins.

Does a nice aerial shot of the Tate Modern count as London Porn? Sod it, DRINK. It’s raining as the candidates stride purposely into the building and on to the escalators. Oh, it’s a bit from the opening credits, as they stand still on the escalator Sralan is striding purposely through the galleries to their meeting point. Nice juxtaposition there.

Sralan is talking about how the Tate is a great example of the ‘redeployment of a building’. I guess this has something to do with this week's task but I am distracted by Lucinda’s outfit. This week she is resplendent in a tartan beret which seems to have heather pinned to the side. Possible of the lucky variety she bought from a passing gypsy to repel Celeries evil eye. She is also wearing a very fetching green scarf/shawl/pashmina and a monochrome skirt [I kind of hope she stays quite a long time purely for outfit watch. I can't wait to see her eviction coat - Rad].

OK, so the task, take two pubs and put on a theme night. Pubs are suffering in recent times (and for this I sincerely apologise. I stopped drinking when I got pregnant 3 years ago and it seems I sent the whole industry into decline. Whoops). It sounds straightforward, so to help the teams bugger it up comprehensively, Sralan is not letting them choose their team leaders, he is doing it for them. Step forward Ian and Sara. The team that comes back with the most amount of profit is going to win, the team that doesn’t is going to lose and from within that team someone is going to get fired [I thought this was a bit early for Sralan to choose PMs. Isn't it usually week 4 or 5 when he does that? Dammit, I need my formula intact. - Rad].

The nice voice-over man expands slightly. The teams have 24 hours to transform a pub into a fully themed restaurant serving a range of 3 course meals in a style of their choice. I am a bit disappointed they aren’t actually being asked to organise a piss up in brewery, it would have made my job easier. In the girls car, Sara is trying to be a friendlier team leader than Alpha enjoyed last week. ‘If I am talking too much and not listening, please tell me’ rabbits Sara, ‘Just slow down for a start’ suggests Helene ‘The problem is I go too fast, you know when I was at school....’ interrupts Sara. ‘You’re doing it now’ interjects Helene with a smile and the opportunity for a fascinating insight into Sara's school days is lost. Listening is clearly Sara’s strong point then.

The boys have the Duke of Hamilton pub. Team leader Ian commits to giving, a 110%? No clear and concise management to ensure that they get the next treat from Sralan? NO DRINK. In a frankly scary move Ian asks to go round the room and get their individual commitment to winning this task. Rafe is up first and he is giving…YES 110%. DRINK! [Oh Rafe, 110% is so over. It's become the catchphrase of contestants on The X Factor. Why not come up with somethign new like 341% or something? - Rad]

We are treated to the interview clip of Ian's ‘There are winners in life and the others that I can’t spell, can’t say and won’t say’. Am I the only one shouting LOSER at the TV whilst making the appropriate hand signals? So to the brainstorming, getting the theme right. Hang on a KFC minute, did someone just say chicken in a basket? American Dinner, says Lee McQueen. Alex suggests mash, sausage and pies etc. It’s a pub known for its award winning ales so traditional English makes most sense to me too hot lips. Michael suggests Italian, pizza and pasta. Yes for once I agree with him they are quick and easy to cook. Whoa hang on there, ‘light bulb moment?’ ‘shoot it down or keep it up there?’ Alex looks as confused as I feel [me too. What the hell WAS that? - Rad] but they’re off. Italian flags, white table clothes, fake moustaches and faker accents for those waiting tables. Why have the Chuckle Brothers just sprung to mind? Sealed with a cry of Renaissance and all fists in the middle of the table together.

Seriously, do boys do this because they daren’t risk slopping off for a quick hand shandy? [And once again, one of my co-writers brings to mind unpleasant mental imagery about the boys from Renaissance - Rad].

Over at the King's Head, we have the girls. Jennifer Maguire suggests a murder mystery night. Sara looks like she’s chewing a lemon. Claire suggests classic English: also a good idea. Sara has swallowed her lemon and suggests Bollywood night. Hmm. Who’d want curry rather than a pie in the middle of the afternoon, interjects Claire. Frankly, right now I’d have both and then head over for an Italian but I’ve been on a diet for 5 days. [I did think Claire's piece to camera about how she totally disagreed was going to be one of those moments where she would either be totally vindicated or totally fired - Rad].

Sara's ‘rounding it up’, which is candidate speak for ‘we are doing my idea so suck it up.’ Oh, Nick seems to have voted for Bollywood too, I wondered where he’d got to [this episode was generally great, but it had far too little Nick and Margaret for my liking - Rad].

The boys are dividing up roles. Kevin is head chef with Simon as his side kick. I bet he cooked in Bosnia too so he is sure to rock at this. Ian tells Kevin he’s shit with no personality, he didn’t phrase it quite like that but ‘everything that comes out of that kitchen, on your head be it.’ Wow, the buck's already being passed and they’ve barley started.

London Porn.

Jenny Celerie, Jenny Maguire and Helene are in charge of promotions while Sara, Claire and Lindi are in the kitchen. The kitchen girls head off to a local Indian restaurant to basically steal their menu while the boys brand their night. ‘A Taste of Italy at the Duke of Hamilton’ suggests Rafe. They love it so much they repeat it several times in ecstasy. ‘Oh, and we can all feign Italian accents’ he continues clearly on a roll. ‘Write it down’ Ian is instructed but didn’t Simon make that suggestion earlier? No time to worry about that, Ian doesn’t know how to spell accent. The rest if the table spell it for him. That is nice the way they are all bonding isn’t it?

‘So they don’t poison anyone, both teams get a kitchen advisor’ says voice over man. Thank fuck for that!

Kevin tries out his ideas, he’s a culinary adventurer apparently. So what Italian delights can we expect? Spag Bol and Carbonara with bacon…or ham…or chicken and crème fraiche. Is he waiting for Jack the advisor to tell him he’s right or will he keep naming random food stuff indefinitely? Baked mushroom with salt and pepper pureed into a sauce? His resemblance to Matt Lucas is doing nothing to help the fact this is descending into a comedy sketch. Margaret’s not impressed either. £30 latte machine? Coffee as a desert?! Wash that man's mouth out with tiramisu [Coffee is in no way a dessert, I agree. However, to not have proper coffee for an Italian meal would also be ludicrous - Rad].

While the kitchen team head out to get ingredients, the marketing team of Rafe, Alex Ian and Michael put the finishing touches to their glossy and expensive menu. They just need the prices so they call Kevin. '£4.25 for soup?' scoffs Ian, ‘where is this pricing coming from?’

‘Well you price it then’ snaps Kevin and in a retort which has already gone down in the annals of The Apprentice as both toe curling cringey and magnificent, Ian replies, ‘I am concerned, Lee McQueen is concerned...’ he expands on his concerns but I can’t hear or see through my own laughter or tears.

I’ve calmed myself now, its OK. Simon's smacking his fist into his hand and getting all excited about dealing in absolutes and facts. Is he back on his time in the Army or the price of a Panini? I’m hungry again, I would cop for the episode all about food wouldn’t I.

London Porn.

The girls get free Saris for them to wear in return for free advertising at Bollywood night. They also go for tickets (are they menus too?) to sell and get them printed for free. Get in the girls and I suspect Sralan will approve. But Nick is concerned a dog's dinner is all they’ll be serving if they don’t pull their fingers out and actually get some food.

Sara and Claire are not getting on, but really its quite restrained as arguments on this show go.

Michael calls to question the pricing. Kevin’s getting haughty at being questioned. He has paid £4.25 for soup in Guildford. Sadly he is over ruled. This pricing and buying of ingredients has ‘one whole chicken per pizza' written all over it.

The boys stand around a market trying to work out what ingredients they need and in what quantity. Kevin’s calculation of tomatos to bowl to customer equation just made my brain bleed a bit. Alex calls, he has negotiated the menus down from £2 each to £1 each. Ian asks if Alexs thinks this is a good idea, well Alex just negotiated 100% off, so yes he does.

Eh? Would a 100% off not mean they were free? Does he mean 50%? Cos my maths is shit but not totally non existent. Anymore of this and I shall have to lie down. Ian is getting Alex to make the call, what a pussy.

The boys door to door giving away their expensive menus, the girls are selling their free ones for a fiver. Is it a menu or a ticket? Anyway it gets you straight to the front of the queue and doubles as a £5 off voucher. They are smart. Meanwhile Simon can’t even record an answer phone message for the telephone bookings. This is less impressive but I’ve just realised that Renaissance Events fits well with an Italian theme and I do like it when things fit.

London Porn. Drink!

The boys never did buy anything from the wholesalers. I assume the sellers withered away and died when Kevin calculated tomotoes. So instead, it's Dolmio from Tescos [The spectre of cheese from Makro looms large - Rad]. Ian has a calculator that he uses to keep track of their spending, and the figures are not pretty. Why not just choose Tesco Value pasta sauce as it's loads cheaper, and every little helps? (I’m sorry I tried to resist but like Jordan at a premiere it just popped out.)

While the boys spend over £300, the girls have done their shopping locally for less than £100. That’s good but Sara’s bought the wrong spices. That’s a bit of a pain but not like they are a major part of a curry, oh, hang on…. [Spices from MAKRO! DRRRRRINK! Also: who buys spices from Makro rather than an Indian foods wholesaler? Also also: Indian food without Garam Masala or Cinnamon??? Fools. - Rad].

Meanwhile, the boys have forgotten ciabatta bread, black bags and a tin opener. They ask the sales boys to pick them up but they are not happy. Lee McQueen in particular is not happy, he swears quite a bit so Ian hangs up and goes himself. Nice strong management skills there.

The girls may have sold 45 tickets at a fiver a pop (which is er……£225? God no more maths please) but lunch is not ready to be served. In fact I don’t know what’s in that pot but it shouldn’t look like that.

The boys are open though and here come the orders. I am disappointed to note a lack of dodgy Italian accents on Rafe and co’s part but its probably for the best. Kevin’s upset because people are erm ordering items from the menu but they aren’t meant too, he’s not doing the full menu. He gets a bit shouty cos ‘that’s what chefs do’. Whatever blondie - chefs wear hats too.

Lunch is off but did Sara (that’s Sara not ‘Sarah’ Helene) actually take responsibility or not? I am not sure because they are all yipping at once again. The boys are back off to Tesco again, and so far the food they have managed to serve is tasteless, cold, disgusting and bland. Oh, Dolmio that’s not going to help your sales. Lee McQueen is not happy, he’s in the kitchen and he don’t want no backchat (fools - sorry but he is definitely channelling Mr T) as he just had to give away 2 main meals. Lee McQueen has tips for successful Italian cooking, these include removing the skins from tomaotos and ensuring that spaghetti is cooked. Lee McQueen has a point (and I pity the fool that don’t listen to Lee McQueen)

Back in Tesco, the boys haemorrhage another £123. Just think of all those club card points and vouchers for schools though. Meanwhile the girls have secured themselves a Bollywood dancer from somewhere. Jenny McGuire just needs to get him some music. English, rap or Indian’ he enquires. There is an Irish woman in front of you dressed in a sari who has recruited you to dance for a Bollywood night so what do you think Einstein? Tsk. Luckily Indian is ‘alright.’

The girls start welcoming customers. What’s this personalised service they are inflicting? Intimate, personalised service Lindi? No! I don’t want to be interrogated , I don’t want to chat, I don't want to know your name. I want you to serve my food and then fuck off so I can talk to the person I came to dinner with. *shudders* [Princess Lindi is obsessed with personal service? Remember last week's 24-hour pants hotline nonsense? Can't wait to see her as PM... - Rad].

The boys are outside having a pep talk before service starts. Kevin appears to be running this, who is the team leader again? *checks notes* Oh, Ian.

Michel seems to relish saying words like ‘massive’, 'meat’ and ‘filling the hole’. [Must you lot always be so filthy? - Rad] Shame then that despite spending a lot of money in Tescos they are running out of food again, items like pizza. But Ian has a cunning plan - he’ll just serve people half a pizza instead of a full one. I can see that going down well. Off he sends Michael, those plates are artfully arranged but still half full and the customer (because he’s not dead) rumbles Michael straight away. 'The chef made me do it' squeaks Michael before removing the offending plates and running back to the kitchen.

O dear, here comes the dancer to end Bollywood night. I can’t watch, this is painful (and unrhythmic) and what’s Nick doing right down the front? If he’s not careful Patrick Swazye here is gong to give him a lap dance.

O the horror. No! No more. My eyes.

Thank god for London Porn (drink. It's time for the boardroom, so lots of bluster from the team leaders. I want to win, I gave it my all etc etc.

Now the Boardroom tends to make me lose a bit of interest if I am honest. They squirm, squeal and backstab and rarely do it with much class. However the total silence that meets Sralan's question as to whether Ian as a good team leader is riveting and painful. Simon says sometimes ‘silence is thunderous’: a poet, a cook and a laundry assistant on a par with Dot Cotton. If I wasn’t ideologically opposed to his accent I could fall in lust with him.

Simon is actually quite keen to show how he did the more menial parts of the task. ‘I was the bus boy Sralan, I chopped onions’. ‘Ah Chopper Smith’ Sralan replies. Simon has been given a nickname, high praise indeed and Sralan must like him because he doesn’t shoot him dead on the spot when Simon mistakenly calls him Alan, nice recovery mate, amazing what I shared love of football can do eh? I try and not think about Simon having more than just physical abilities.

So was Sara a good team leader? It's Claire that steps up and says yes, there were a few initial problems, but they over came them. Sralan turns his attention to their tickets. He is practically purring, not all the ticket holders turned up which made them money for nothing and the girls started their service in profit, that’s got to be a first? He is obviously impressed because he doesn’t really lambaste them for not being ready to open at lunch.

So to the figures. The boys had takings of £844.97 but they spent a whooping £543. This gives them a piddly £301.97 profit. The girls took £795 but with a total spend of only £190.73 they win with just over twice (that’s the last bit of maths my brain is bleeding) the profit, a grand £604.27.

The girls win an evening in a country house being taught to cook by a professional chef, is it just me or I that a bit of a bus man's holiday? [Ah, Busman's Holiday. Now there was a show. - Rad]

The boys are off to the greasy spoon. Ian has lost, similar to a word that’s not in his vocabulary. Like that quote was never going to come back and bite him on the bum!

The girls make crumble and drink and get on, that won’t last.

So Ian, you lost and you are happy to take some of the blame but really its Kevin’s fault. Kevin meanwhile is not worried, not vulnerable and did a great job so he’s alright. For both his sheer arrogance and the fact that his little piggy eyes are too close together I almost want him to be fired but I think he probably is safe. Choose wisely Ian.

London Porn.

Sralan has the boys back in and he’s annoyed because they took more money than the girls but still lost, ‘it’s the epitome of blowing in the wind’. Hang on, blowing in the Wind is a Bob Dylan track, or is that Catch the Wind? either way, Sralan, the phrase you are looking for here is pissing.

So in a roundabout way Sralan says whose fault was it? Ian says Kevin and Kevin pulls a face. This bit's always like being back at school, eventually someone will retort with ‘well you smell’. Kevin’s right that Ian did use Kevin’s position as head chef to shift responsibility to him. Every question he is asked he is bouncing it over to Kevin. This won’t work, everyone knows the team leader needs to accept just enough responsibly for failure to show a degree of humility but not too much. Who else is in the firing line? Simon. Well now you are up shit creek with no fucking paddle me old mucker because while you seem as incapable of reading the room as you are at leading a team, everyone else has realised that Sralan loves Simon. Difficult communication style? You just gave Simon more rope to hang you with. I pity the fool.

Can Lee McQueen’s voice get any lower or gravellier? Anyway in conclusion, they buggered the whole thing up because they didn’t do basic costing and Sralan is bitterly disappointed, they haven’t got a ‘bloody clue’ DRINK!

Ian’s bringing back Kevin and Simon. At this point in a certain chat room I happen to frequent 10 people virtually scream READ THE FUCKING ROOM!

Whoa there Nelly, what’s with Francis sex chat line voice there [Was that Frances or NotFrances, though? They are really confusing me with receptionists this series - Rad]? She just purred at Sralan, is she after a pay rise?

O dear Ian’s gone into full on whine mode, they didn’t help me *sniff sob*. Not more sums Simon! This is how food works people, you buy a loaf of bread and some peanut butter for £1.50, make 25 sandwiches (big loaf of bread) which you sell for £1.50 each. £1.50 for a peanut butter sandwich? Not fucking likely but I take your point.

Kevin is back labouring the point that he eat in a lot of Italian restaurants so he knows what’s popular and what to cook.

The bitch fight over who organised the ‘motivational talk’ at 5pm rages. The crux of this seems to be who was actually in charge. We all know that Kevin looks like Matt Lucas so maybe that’s why I am expecting ‘yeah, but no but yeah.’ Did Kevin get the team together for a motivational pep talk asks Sralan (who now sounds as exasperated as I feel)? Kevin says yes, Simon says yes, Ian was ‘at Kevin’s meeting’ but he says no. Well despite Ian's constant interruptions about the fact they took £800 (er yeah but you still lost) we are back to Vicky Pollard.

Oh, I give up and Sralan's also had enough. For a gut-clenching moment it seems like there may be a repeat of last week's firing fiasco, not Simon? Kevin? He speaks a great game but is it smoke and mirrors?

Simon needs to show he can do more than graft, he needs to lead too [And I hated him for this. I was with the guy right up until he pulled the 'make me PM' card. - Rad]. He also needs to stop interrupting Sralan, not once but twice, come on learn from your mistakes! Phew, he is safe, (Anyone care to place a bet on who’ll be Renaissance team leader next week?) Simon may just have come in his pants.

He may work to very high morals and be an honest individual but he is a gonner and there is a collective punching of the air as the undeniably pretty and spineless Ian gets the chop. He doesn’t beg or plead but maybe the realisation that he is a loser is starting to hit home. Outside the boardroom, he sort of hugs Kevin and then looks at his hands as if they are dirty.

Coat Watch- bit non descript and black mid length, nice collar. Ian is pretty isn’t he? [He looks similar to Rhys off Hollyoaks, who is also pretty, and also a bit of a bastard - Rad] I think his eyes are blue whether he’s in the boardroom or not.

Kevin and Simon return to the house. Simon pronounces Ian was 'a dead man walking' and Kevin let him talk and then ‘nailed him to the ground‘, did he watch a different show to me?

Next week they are photographing people in shopping centres. This concept leaves me slightly non plussed, [Me too, I'm sure we're overdue the go shopping for things off alist and get all confused task. I want to see the crap negotiators from Renaissance offer to pay more, not less, for things - Rad]I’m off to lie down.

[EDIT: Ian Stringer now has a website. He spells programme (as in TV programme) the American way. So much for being a media professional. Cock. - Rad]

A load of old pants

Episode 2: A Dirty Job
Original airdate: 2nd April 2008

You know, the best thing about recapping The Apprentice is that the first three minutes or so of every week's episode are exactly the same. Sralan Sugar, hard to please, vast business empire, on the hunt for an apprentice, blah blah etc. If you want more detail, refer to Rad's recap from last week.

Previously: Sralan sent the teams to sell fish on the streets of London. The women were disorganised, but not as disorganised as the men, who underpriced their lobsters and failed to negotiate well with the customers. Both teams performed poorly, but the women performed marginally better, so they won, and Alex brought pompous Raef and Nicholas the Victorian Drag King into the boardroom, whereupon Nicholas was fired, experiencing failure for only the second time in his life, but surely not the last. [Poor Racey Lacey.-Joel]

Sunrise. London porn. The phone rings. Unaware that the correct attire for passably fit men when answering the telephone first thing in the morning is nothing but a pair of skimpy briefs, as demonstrated by Simon Ambrose last year, Alex instead chooses to sleepily wander downstairs in a Superman t-shirt. And matching boxer shorts. That sound you just heard was the noise of my erection withering and collapsing under the weight of such disappointment, never to be seen again [Waaay too much info there, Steven. They were cute, but no green pants - Rad]. Small respite arrives in the form of shirtless Ian, who's quite buff and hairy, but not distractingly so. I approve. The Disembodied Voice of Frances [Thank goodness she's back after that nonsense with NotFrances last week - Rad] tells the teams to go to their computers. This is all very Charlie's Angels, so again I approve. The teams troop across the house in their sleepwear, and Sralan appears on QuickTime video [on an hp laptop. His selling Amstrad presumably means we won't get to see any more of their kerrazy electronic contraptions this series. For shame. - Rad], claiming that he's been called away on an urgent matter. Probably a market shortage of e-mail phones in Kidderminster. Sralan tells the candidates that their challenge for this week is to bring back money to the boardroom "from virtually a zero position" - their task is to run a laundry business. Sralan has provided the laundry premises, but the contestants must find the punters, price the service, do the actual laundry, and return it all to the correct people (nb. this will be important later, so remember that). [Not really that much of a zero position. Giving them the laundry? Slackers.-Joel]Shazia looks a bit tearful watching this, for some reason. Sralan informs us, and Sketchleys, that when stuff comes back from the laundry that he doesn't like, he slings it back at them. He doesn't just return it, he slings it back at them. Because that's how you behave when you're a working-class boy made good, don't forget. The team that comes back with the most amount of money wins, the other team does not, and somebody from the losing team will get fired.

Narrator Mark tells us that each team has a laundry, but the premises are only available until 2am the next morning. I have no idea if that's standard laundry practice or just an arbitrary deadline to add a heightened sense of drama, and I'm sure I will never know for sure. All the laundry must be returned before they're due back in the boardroom tomorrow afternoon. Margaret and Nick will be watching, of course.

The teams choose PMs: Raef volunteers to lead the boys "if you're behind me", and several of them murmur "110%". GAH. Raef tells us that he is happy to be PM, because this is a chance for him to prove himself after the fuckup that was last week. Raef then demonstrates why absurdly posh people should never use the phrase "kick arse". Lee marblemouths that Raef is not sufficiently "wuuuurrrrggh" to be a leader. No really, that's what he says. Raef airily states that he will "take this, uh, you know, straight by the...uh...", leading several other team members to prompt him with "horns?", which I'm sure does little to inspire their confidence. Ian interviews that Raef has mannerisms that are unlike those of the rest of the team, possibly because Raef is the secret lovechild of Prince Charles. Ian says that Raef will need to pull his weight [I just noticed tonight that either Ian or Lee, the chisselled one, anyway, looks a bit like Rhys from Hollyoaks - Rad].

[Award winning saleswoman - Rad] Jenny Celery volunteers to lead the girls, and no one objects. Jenny informs Team Alpha that they're going to brainstorm, lay some foundations, and then work their cotton socks off. Meanwhile, Raef is delegating: Ian will be knocking on doors, and Simon, adorably, admits that he has laundry experience "in Bosnia", and waxes poetically about the many hours of ironing experience he accrued during his time in the army. He is just the cutest thing, I swear. He tells the boys that there are a lot of opportunities to fuck up, and points out quite rightly that even losing one sock is enough to lose a residential customer, prompting Raef to put him in charge of admin and logistics.

Upstairs, Jenny Celery [wearing a scarf that is knotted like a tie in a very WTF? moment - Rad] has been lecturing Team Alpha on sales for an hour, apparently. Foreshadowing rears its ugly head as Jenny bats away all attempts at questions from her team, and Sara interviews angrily that it's all very well planning what you're going to do, but you can't spend all day doing that. Margaret tells us that Jenny plays favourites, and her favourites appear to be Shazia and Helene, while Lucinda, it is safe to say, is not one of her favourites. She is also not wearing a beret of any sort, to the disappointment of an entire nation. She does, however, sport a chiffony lilac scarf as she interviews that there are already cliques in force amongst the girls, which she finds "irksome". To demonstrate, Lucinda tries to make a point about pricing to Jenny Celery, who stares at the spare from where she hears a voice but sees no real person, and absently tells the voice to speak to Helene instead.

Stealthy music plays as the boys come up with an idea: there are some "industrial-strength" irons in the house (and since we see them later, I really don't think that's accurate - they're common or garden domestic irons, as far as I can tell), which they plan to "reserve" by bringing them into Boy Space and hiding them away so the girls can't get them. Bad boys bad boys, what'cha gonna do? Michael Sophocles (I always have to say his full name, because it's fabulous) runs around gathering and hiding all the ironing equipment from inside the house. Raef interviews that the boys are going to "execute" this task with the "success" and the "vigour" that they need to, from which we cut directly to a shot of Raef outside, dropping all of his papers on the ground and walking all over them. Heh. This show's editors are for the win, let there be no doubt. [Srsly. They make the show. Dammit. Obviously they make the show, what with the editing and putting together footage. But they MAKE the show.-Joel]

The teams head off, but there is dissent in Team Alpha: they can't decide how to split the team. Raef has sent half of Renaissance out to go door to door touting for business, and Ian lets out some kind of war cry which sounds a bit like "hoo-cha!" and instantly makes it clear why he was the sort of person to inflict that horrid World Cup version of 'Is This The Way To Amarillo' on the universe. Narrator Mark tells us they are in one of London's "affluent suburbs". I'm guessing Chiswick, but I don't know. The girls have little luck with their initial doorstepping attempts. [There's a wonderful shot of the girls on a doorstep, with a disembodied posh lady's voice saying 'Not interested!'-Joel]

Narrator Mark tells us that Sralan has lined up some big business customers for the teams to pitch to, the first of which is a large hotel needing its bed linen cleaned overnight. Renaissance sensibly call some laundry services to get an idea of what pricing they should be aiming for, and we hear that a single bedsheet is 45p. In the car of Team Alpha, heading for the same meeting, Jenny Celery displays her acute saleswoman nous by suggesting a one-size-fits-all price of £4.99 per item. It's been a while since I outsourced my laundry, but I'm fairly certain that's expensive even for a single specialist item at high street prices, so to suggest that as a blanket (no pun intended) charge to a corporate client expecting a bulk discount is beyond absurd. Sadly, not one of the team considers this, and Princess Lindi even goes as far as to say she's "very confident" with Jenny Celery's pitch. Narrator Mark informs us that the job is 1,000 pieces of laundry, which normally costs the hotel £200, just in case we weren't fully aware of the scale of the epic fail we just witnessed [And here I note that Helene Speight is a Global Pricing Leader. I don't know what that is, but presumably she should have been able to help them price things more sensibly? - Rad]. [Maybe she prices globals.-Joel]

Alpha goes in to pitch first, with Princess Lindi and Jennifer leading the charge. Nick and Margaret are sitting in on the meeting. To the manager's credit, he reacts levelly when Lindi quotes him £4.99 per item, even though his face suggests for a second that he's expecting Ashton Kutcher to appear at any second. He asks if that's their best price, since it would come to £4,999 altogether. Jennifer, rather weakly, as though she's suddenly realised how insane this sounds, confirms this. Princess Lindi, to her credit, instantly starts to try and brazen out the pitch, offering the manager a "24 hotline" with "personal account managers". The manager tells them their price is "not beneficial". Princess Lindi asks how much he usually pays, and while he refuses to be drawn on a precise figure, he tells them it's "in the hundreds". Jennifer's face falls [but she's the best salesperson in Europe. She should have been able to clinch that. - Rad].

Renaissance go in to pitch, represented by Raef and Kevin. Kevin quotes the manager £556 for the whole job. The manager is encouraged by this, and thinks there's room to negotiate. The manager (whose name is Scott) tells them he's looking to pay "around the £200 mark", so Kevin offers to do the job for...£200. Can no one on that team haggle, even a little? At least go in with an offer of £350 or something and see if you can get him to bump it up a little. Why not chuck in a couple of free lobsters while you're at it? Anyway, Renaissance gets the job, and outside they celebrate gleefully. Michael Sophocles, who was apparently sitting in the hallway guarding their coats while the hardcore negotiations took place, kisses them both on the cheek. Scott shows them to the laundry, which fills five large pallets. It's Kevin's turn to look thoroughly dismayed. Clearly he learned nothing from his attempts to interest Mr Mann in alternatives to a pirate memory game. Obviously his negotiation skills amount to nothing without Margaret the quadriplegic in the back room to call on for assistance. The boys load the laundry into their van - it takes up the whole of the back and quite a lot of the front seat. "That's an awful lot of laundry to do for £200," laments Kevin. And whose fault is that, eh?

Lee and Alex are selling door-to-door, and I've got to say that pairing these two up for the domestic rounds was inspired. If these two fine-looking gentlemen came to my doorstep, I would buy whatever they were selling. Paving slabs, double glazing, the Watchtower - you name it. I would be putty in their hands. Michael and Ian are on the other team, and take some orders for bedding. Alpha, on the other hand, keep striking out. Claire phones Jenny Celery for a progress report, and Jenny responds "we haven't won the contract, so it's becoming more and more obvious that the domestic market is going to be where the greatest margins are". I have no idea why that sentence made me laugh out loud, but it did. Lucinda winces. Margaret interviews that really at this stage they just need any business at all. Alpha abandons the residential area and heads to the high street, soon after closing a deal with a restaurant at a more reasonable £80 for the whole shebang. They bring in what looks like a lot of business.

The next set-up meeting is a fishmongers'. Jennifer and Princess Lindi go to inspect the pile, and Jennifer suggests offering £8. Princess Lindi thinks they should go higher, so they pitch £10 to the disbelieving fishmonger. Princess Lindi bargains him up to £15 with the ironing thrown in. Fishmonger Man can't believe his luck. The boys go in afterwards and Kevin pitches £49.50, which Fishmonger Man declares "a fair price", but he tells them that the girls quoted him less than half of that. Raef tells him they can't match that, so Alpha wins the business. [Good job girls. Good job.-Joel]

It's early evening, and Jenny Celery, Princess Lindi, Sara and Jennifer are going door to door, and manage to drum up some more business. Half of Renaissance (Ian, Simon, Lee and Alex) sets off, following Raef's orders to make a start on the hotel's bulk of laundry. It's sitting, rather unsecurely, in the pallets outside the premises. You can tell by their reactions that the four boys are acutely aware of having just been royally shafted. Simon rings the others to remind them of the magnitude of the task ahead; Michael Sophocles fobs him off by assuring him they were be there to help out ASAP. In the background, Kevin and Raef are mumbling "Just do the laundry!" Twats. Ian, Simon, Alex and Lee shed jackets and ties and get stuck in, while Raef, Kevin and Michael Sophocles giggle in the car about some of the stains that were on the hotel's laundry. Again: twats. Pleasingly, every time the camera cuts back to Alex, he appears to have unbuttoned his shirt further. The four guys look like they're doing a pretty good job [they did, and I thought Simon was particularly awesome here - Rad]. [This pissed me off so much. When a man who ran army laundries for several years tries to tell you something about laundry, might be an idea to listen.-Joel]

Alpha are still in transit, fretting about the things that have gone wrong so far. Helene calls Jenny Celery (or possibly the other way around, it's not clear) and Jenny, looking increasingly with every passing second like Doon Mackichan playing a parody of a clueless businesswoman in a Smack the Pony sketch, starts rambling on about asking Lucinda to come back to her with information on tumble-drying earlier, and complaining that Lucinda did no such thing. Lucinda takes the phone from Helene and curtly informs Jenny Celery that no such request was made of her. Jenny Celery, ever the professional, sticks her tongue out and waggles her head as she listens. Lucinda continues, saying that she is more than willing to help, but insists that Jenny not pin questions on her that she was not asked to research. And yes, she went on a bit, but the kernel of what she was arguing was fair enough. Jenny Celery hangs up on her and bitches that Lucinda is behaving like a "spoilt, silly little girl".

Renaissance Laundry. Raef has landed another order to clean butchers' jackets. Michael Sophocles rings a hot and flustered Simon, who tells them it's about time they came back to do the dirty work themselves. Alex's shirt is now fastened by one button only. Hey, I'm just here to report the facts: this gives me no pleasure. Honestly. Raef patronisingly tells Simon that they have been busy "making money" but that they're on our way. I think we all just got a little look-see into what it would be like to be married to Raef, and it really is not an encouraging thought. Simon tells the other hot, sweaty laundry boys (and in fairness, again, picking Lee, Alex, Simon and Ian to be the ones getting hot and sweaty was another good move - imagine if the teams had been reversed, who would've wanted to see Raef and Kevin stripping down one button at a time? Not I) that they're on their way, while the three breadwinners order lattes like the clueless swines they are. Glorious juxtaposition of Ian and Simon working hard, while Raef and Kevin daintily sip coffee in their car. The editing on this show is a work of art, I'm telling you.

Some time has clearly passed, since it is very dark now, and the hot sweaty boys phone the prim boys for a status update. Simon goes to great pains to point out how they are literally sweating over their task; Kevin, hilariously, says in all earnestness and with a touch of indignation, "so are we!" Then he ducks out of sight because he thinks he can see Gargamel on the horizon, trying to kidnap him. More shots of the laundry boys working and the latte boys bitching. "I can't stand whiners," whines Raef. (Another shot shows Alex's shirt more fastened than it was a minute ago - clearly this has been edited out of chronological order, or Alex is just teasing us, the little scamp.) Ian phones Raef again, and Raef claims to be three minutes away. Michael Sophocles shakes his head (and is it just me, or does he bear an uncanny resemblance to Martin from Green Wing?). "How many times do they need to be told?" wonders Raef to no one in particular.

Half of Alpha goes to do laundry. Shazia takes charge of labelling and organising the laundry so they can be sure that everything is returned to the correct customer. Jenny Celery is still touting for business. Princess Lindi interviews they need to get as much business as possible in order to beat the boys. The Three Mochateers return to Renaissance Laundry, to much relieved cheering from the laundry boys. Everyone mucks in. Simon interviews his concerns that they now have to deliver on all the business they've secured. In a glorious throwaway moment, we hear Alex say that he can "smell burning" and Simon (I think) rushes to remove some sheets from a presser, blowing out a tiny tiny fire as he does so. Hee!

It's 11pm. Jenny Celery has amassed £100 of new business and returns to the laundry with her extra washing. Shazia tells them about their great system - she's labelled the machines so they know what belongs to who. They get to work, but Narrator Mark says that the laundry must close in two hours. So it took Shazia one hour to explain her labelling system? It must be more complex than we saw. Helene interviews that they didn't expect to have so much to do so late in the day, and that they'll have to take some of it home. Shazia plots to return home to bagsy the irons before the boys get back, unaware that the boys have already secured them. Jenny Celery grants her leave, and she takes off with Princess Lindi, Claire and Jennifer. They trawl the house, only to reailse what we already know - there are no irons.

Elsewhere, both teams are finishing up in their laundries. Jenny Celery is packing up laundry to take home, but without Shazia on hand to help explain her obviously complex system. Sara finds some laundry without a label. Ruh roh! Renaissance folds its final sheet. There is much celebration, though the music editor misses a trick by not having 'Land of Hope and Glory' cued. Michael Sophocles wipes the "sweat" from his brow, despite the fact that he was only there for thirty seconds. Renaissance Laundry is closed for business.

Things are frantic at Alpha Laundry; Jenny Celery is trying to usher everyone to just shove everything into bags to take home, whereas Lucinda is a fan of the "shake and fold" technique which she thinks will save them having to iron things at all. I've got to say, if my laundry service pulled that shit, they would be getting some seriously soiled smalls in my next batch. Jenny Celery tells Lucinda to stop faffing and just shove everything in the van. In the car, Jenny Celery tells Lucinda that she "just wants to highlight" how appalled she was with Lucinda's behaviour. In front of Helene and Sara. Wow! Professional. Lucinda looks as though she has tuned out of Jenny Celery's frequency. Would that we could all be so fortunate. Jenny Celery busts out the incompetent manager's standby, that the whole task went to shit because she was too occupied with managing Lucinda. The fact that Jenny Celery barely acknowledged Lucinda at all during the task except to snipe at her as she walked past does not appear to have been taken into account. (For the record, I don't care for Lucinda much, but Jenny Celery is clearly a bitch on wheels and I would side with Satan himself if the only other alternative were Team Jenny.) Lucinda attempts to defend herself, and Jenny Celery refuses to let her get a word in edgeways, going as far as to tell Lucinda that she may not speak until Jenny Celery has finished. What a horrible, petty woman. Although in all of this I pity Sara, who's sat in the back with both of them, quite possibly wondering if it's too late to get a sex change and join Renaissance. Also, Sara is really pretty. It's not especially relevant, but I just thought I'd mention it. Jenny Celery continues to passive-aggressively browbeat Lucinda, including using the ugly construction "is that not fact?" You know what? I'm not going to recap any more of this exchange, because it is beyond tedious and I'm sure you get the idea by now. Sara is finally spurred into action, telling Jenny Celery that she zooms in on one little thing: "You focus on one side of the story, and then attack." With Jenny Celery's attention momentarily diverted, Lucinda cries quietly in the back seat.

As that half of the team arrives home, Princess Lindi notes that Lucinda appears to be crying, which merits an "oh for fuck's sake" from Jennifer. Nice. [Jenny is a stone-cold bitch, but I kind of agree. In the words of Martha Stewart, 'Cry and you are out of here. Women in business don't cry, my dear.'-Joel] Devoid of irons, the girls vote to get some sleep now and get up early to finish.

7am. Alpha calls a meeting, but Lucinda doesn't show until the meeting ends. Jenny Celery asks Lucinda to generate some invoices and they snap at each other, to everyone's great surprise. The boys, for their part, return the irons since they have no use for them. It was a cheap trick, but I do at least give them props for not being any more assholish about it than they already had been. Team Alpha does the ironing. Margaret turns up and voices her surprise that the girls have not yet finished. The suited and booted boys head off to return their laundry. The girls take another hour to finish, and there is still confusion about which laundry goes back to which person. I don't see this ending well, somehow. Shazia tells Claire that they shouldn't have left early because they were in control of what was going on. Well, yeah [I was really confused about what happened - did Shazia get told to leave, or choose to, or what? - Rad]. [I got the impression that Shazia suggested that someone secure the irons and Jenny sent her home to do it, rather than someone who wasn't in charge of an integral part of the proces. Jenny knows how to manage, you see.-Joel]

The boys return their laundry to their satisfied customers. It looks like they did good work, in fairness. In the Alpha Cab, the girls have a plan to maximise revenue: Princess Lindi thinks they should aim for at least a 15% tip from all of their customers. Lucinda is wearing a black cap, a sleeveless top with a plunging neckline, and fishnet tights. I'm hardly a prude, but that's not really acceptable business attire, is it? They return the laundry, and actually ask for tips, which is pretty cheeky, although also kind of genius: given that the majority of their customers were plummy sorts with obvious breeding, they wouldn't dare not give a tip if directly asked for one, lest their place in Debrett's Peerage become jeopardised.

Renaissance return the linen to Scott and his hotel - he hands over the agreed £200. They cheer. Note that all of the boys who did the actual work are not present for this ceremony and celebrate on their own. I'm guessing it's not just the girls who have cliques.

Jenny Celery drops off her domestic laundry, and attempts to be charming by apologising for the fact that she's come to collect money. It's about as convincing as Kevin's Fisher Price business suit. Jenny Celery tries to get away without giving a guy his change, but he calls on it. She busts out an unconvincing, possibly spur of the moment motto: "If you're happy with our service, please give us a tip. If you're unhappy with our service, please give us a tip on how to improve." The chap doesn't sound too impressed, but agrees to tip them a couple of quid. One woman checks her laundry before she offers a tip and finds that she's missing a checked shirt. Jenny Celery goes to look for it, but is informed it is not in their van. The involuntarily tipping man from earlier reappears with his cute posh son, who is in his pyjamas: they've got two shirts that belong to someone else, and are missing two of theirs. And they don't know which ones are missing because it was the lady of the house who handed them over in the first place. Oh dear. Narrator Mark warns that if the teams lose the clothes, they face fines. Jenny Celery returns the missing shirt to the first lady, who declines to tip them. Another lady spots that she's missing four pairs of boxer shorts. Claire rings the other van to see if they've got the missing items, but Princess Lindi informs her that everything has been returned to the correct customers from their end. D'oh! Shazia begins to look worried, as well she might.

Boardroom! Sralan asks Alpha who the team leader was, despite the fact that the team leaders always sit in the middle of the table, so it's obvious. He asks if Jenny Celery was a good team leader, and Claire says they had their ups and downs, but overall they were happy. Sralan asks Jenny Celery if her team worked well for her, and Jenny Celery singles out Lucinda as someone she had issues working with, not realising that this makes her look every bit as bad as it will make Lucinda look. Margaret mentions the lost items of clothing, and Sralan is not impressed; he asks Margaret to deduct £50 from the girls' total. He asks the boys if Raef was a good team leader and gets a firm chorus of approval.

Numbers: the girls' team took a net profit of £195.55, so it's obvious that the boys have won since their hotel order alone was worth more than that. Nick tells us that Renaissance's profit was £328. Their reward will be going to the Ritz for tea. Alpha will be returning to the boardroom so one of them can be fired. Outside, Michael does literally the gayest dance I have ever seen (and I've recapped Same Difference) and there is much homoerotic hugging. They have tea at the Ritz, and it is swanky. Simon interviews that he can't figure Raef out, claiming that even the officers he worked with in the army weren't as distinguished as Raef. Raef congratulates the team on a job well done.

Alpha retreat to a café for a summit. Princess Lindi says that she thought Jenny Celery was a great team manager, and every time she did something good, she got praised. So apparently this isn't so much big business as it is Crufts. Helene interviews that it's daunting to head to the boardroom. Shazia interviews that she doesn't believe she should be in the boardroom and will fight to be Sralan's apprentice. Jenny Celery is happy to go to the boardroom because she thinks Sralan needs to know what's going on in the women's team at the moment. Quite why Jenny Celery thinks she's qualified to judge this, I have no idea. She clearly doesn't even know what's going on inside her own teacup.

Establishing shot of the Gherkin at night [London porn - drink! London does actually look quite pretty in these shots though - Rad], to fool us all into thinking that Sralan Sugar's offices are anywhere at all inside the M25. Sralan summons Alpha into the boardroom. He tells Jenny Celery that her first pitch was underprepared, and asks her if the quote of £5,000 didn't sound ridiculous to her. Jenny Celery says that everyone was in agreement and she is not an expert on pricing (but interestingly does not mention that Helene is a "global pricing leader", whatever that is). Sralan rightly points out that one does not need to be a pricing expert to realise that £5 is too much to launder a pillowcase. He points out that you can buy a pillowcase for £5, and a disembodied voice (I would assume Margaret, but it doesn't sound like her so I have no idea who it was) says you can buy five for that. Heh. Nick tells them that their quote of £15 for the fishmonger's laundry was equally as ridiculous. Sara points out that when they went in they got £10 extra. "Yes, asking for tips!" spits Margaret with disgust. Sara splutters while Sralan asks what gives. Princess Lindi admits this was her idea, and Sralan tells her that their business should not involve tipping because they are not waiters - they should not expect to get extra money for doing the job they were contracted to do in the first place. He asks Jenny Celery if she condoned it, and she slyly admits that they were looking to maximise profits to beat the boys, so she considered it legitmate.

Sralan asks what other angles they were trying, so Princess Lindi mentions the 24 hour hotline. Sralan is not impressed by this, and asks who on earth would ring up to ask how their pants were doing. The man has a point. He asks who was responsible for losing the laundry. Lucinda explains how some people were sent back early, and that the people who were in charge of knowing what went where were sent back in the van. Helene pipes up that those delivering back the residential loads went through the embarrassment of missing garments because the last load was not labelled. Shazia explains that she was trying to secure an iron to get the job done, but Sralan is unmoved, and appears to be placing the blame for the lost laundry entirely at Shazia's door.

Next, Sralan asks Jenny Celery about her set-to with Lucinda, and asks if this was because Lucinda did not "step up". Jenny Celery says that it went beyond that; Lucinda actively caused trouble. She expands on this by pointing out Lucinda's failure to attend the 7am meeting, despite three separate members of the team attempting to wake her (and this reflects very poorly on Lucinda, I'll admit). Lucinda protests that this was not deliberate and she is being scapegoated. Sralan asks for Helene's input on why they failed the task. Helene says that she doesn't think it can be pinned down to just one person, and that what's clear from this whole scenario is that they do not gel as a team. I like Helene; she's opinionated, but she seems fair. Lucinda claims that this all comes down to the accountability of the project manager, a suggestion which is dismissed by Helene, who says they all have some degree of accountability. Sara joins in, and they all start arguing amongst themselves. Sralan says he's sick of listening to them all arguing, and that they clearly wasted time bickering when they could have been getting on with the job at hand.

He asks Jenny Celery who she'll be bringing back to the final table, and she opts to bring Lucinda and Shazia. Sralan dismisses the rest of the team, but not before telling them that they were a "bloody shambles" (drink!). Sralan, Nick and Margaret confer: Margaret thinks that Jenny was so fixated on being PM that she lost track of what was going on around her. She thinks Lucinda had her good points and her bad points. Sralan wonders if this is a case of clashing personalities, and instructs Invisible Frances to send them back in.

Sralan asks Lucinda why he shouldn't fire her. Lucinda over-earnestly tells him that team motivation and working within a group is one of her fortes, which causes Sralan to chuckle. She says that she was never wilfully detrimental to the task. Sralan turns to Shazia and asks her the same question; Shazia says she is an opportunist and a do-er, and that she doesn't know where she went wrong on this task, which is in all honesty probably not that clever a strategy. Sralan asks Jenny Celery where Shazia went wrong, and Jenny Celery says that Shazia lied and complained and "manipulated with other people". Shazia is very much "wtf?" in response to this, as am I, but I think Jenny Celery is officially Beyond The Edge Of Reason at this stage. Jenny Celery then moves on to the one genuine hold she has over Shazia; that she did not adequately perform the task to which she was assigned. Lucinda declares this "selective amnesia", to which Jenny Celery snits "be quiet". Lucinda points out Jenny Celery's habit of claiming to have allocated tasks to people when in reality she (allegedly) had not, and Jenny Celery snits that Lucinda has no idea what went on because she was in bed asleep. So the entirety of Shazia's lying, complaining and manipulation occured solely during that 7am meeting? I guess she's really not a morning person.

Jenny Celery tells the other two that the entire process has felt like she was "breastfeeding" them, a visual which I feel fairly sure in saying is made entirely of DO NOT WANT, and Shazia reiterates that she doesn't understand why she is in this situation because she delivered on everything she was assigned. This is clearly not true, and is not a sensible strategy. Sralan accuses her of leaving the laundry unattended; Shazia argues that she did so with Jenny's permission. She adds that Jenny didn't get to the laundry until 11:30, and when she did she brought more laundry than they could cope with. Sralan rolls his eyes. He asks if there is a personality clash here. Jenny Celery lies through her teeth that this is nothing to do with personality and entirely a business-related clash. Lucinda and Shazia attempt to interject at various intervals, at which point Jenny Celery gets a murderous look in her eyes and starts droning "Can. You. Be. Quiet. Please." repeatedly. Margaret does a facepalm. Sralan asks Lucinda and Shazia who they would fire, and they both name Jenny Celery. Jenny Celery claims that neither of them have supported her one iota, and appears to be on the verge of tears as she denounces both of them as entirely incapable of being Sralan's apprentice.

It's judgement time. Sralan says it's a difficult decision because he has very good reasons to fire all three of them. He tells Lucinda she's been accused of not co-operating, and Jenny Celery that she is unable to control her team and he has to hold her [fully, apparently. And yet also, apparently not - Rad] responsible for not being able to hold them together. He then rounds on Shazia and informs her that the most heinous of her crimes was deserting her colleagues and the laundry. Shazia shakes her head and pleads under her breath, but to no avail: Shazia is fired.

Sralan tells Lucinda and Jenny that their behaviour does not speak well of them, and that they should be grateful he hasn't fired all three of them, but he's given them another chance.

And seriously, that was such a bullshit firing [totally. My notes at this point consist solely of a very large WTF? - Rad]. Shazia cocked up, yes, but far too much of that task fell apart for the blame to not lie ultimately with Jenny Celery. I can only assume she's being kept around because she "makes good telly", even though I'd rather pull my toenails off with rusty garden shears than put up with her any more.

Poor unfortunate Shazia gets into her cab in a flattering black coat, and blames Jenny Celery for stitching her up, which I don't think is that far from the truth. Jenny Celery and Lucinda ride back to the house in silence. Claire and Princess Lindi cheer for Jenny Celery's return. Alex is wearing a black vest. Again, just the important facts is all I'm reporting here. Lucinda drags her rolly-case back down the hallway.

Next week: the teams sell pub grub. Sara wants to do a Bollywood night. Kevin fights with Ian. Alpha is awash with infighting. And the boys are breakin' dishes up in here (uh huh) all night. Somebody will get fired. Just for a change.

Fishy business

Welcome to a brand new series of The Apprentice. And we will be here to guide you through each step of the way…

We open on London porn (drink) as we are reminded that this is the job interview from hell, and that from across the country Britain’s ‘tycoons of tomorrow’ (ooh, that’s new) are heading for London…

We get our obligatory suitcase shots and pieces to camera.

Our first apprentice, a chiselled man, says that ‘there are two types of people in life: winners and the other one: I can’t say it and I wont say it’. I mark him out already as someone who will find this quote coming back to haunt him in the boardroom. And what’s his name? Seriously, show, you’re introducing us to sixteen candidates here, you could at least name them for us. Don’t just assume we’ve all memorised all their names from the promo material. [It speaks volumes for how thoroughly I devoured all the previews that I didn't even notice they weren't captioned. Ooops. Anyway, this was Ian, I think. - Steve]

The second apprentice (whom I do remember from the promo material as Sara Dadha) talks about playing to win being her strategy, and really, if that’s the best they can come out with in soundbites, then they are screwed. Number three is a posh fellow who says he is a natural born salesman, and the spoken word is his tool. Number four (And seriously, are we not getting names for any of these people?) is an Irish woman with a nice golden-yellow top and rather scary Barbie pink lipstick who says that as a salesperson ‘I rate myself as the best in Europe’. Again, I feel this comment may backfire in a future episode…

Now, I know who number five is, because I have seen his website. This, my friends, is Nicholas de Lacy Brown (NDLB from here on in because it’s easier). He says ‘In my law degree I got a first class honours, in my Maaarsters I got a distinction. There is something inherently within that means I have to get to the top’ and I can’t see this going down well at all with Sralan who isn’t exactly renowned for his love of smart alecs. Or lawyers.

Number six is a bloke who says he is here to get his dream job and is happy to cut people out of his life if it thinks it will help him be a success. I hope his friends and family are watching and realise how high the regard he has for them is.

Apparently that’s all the candidates we have time for right now, because we are about to meet Sralan (cue helicopter and yacht porn). Sralan left school at 16, sold car aerials, is responsible for computer giant Amstrad, which he recently sold for £125 million (which doesn’t sound that much) and now ‘controls a vast empire’. Ha! I love that even voiceover man doesn’t actually know what Sralan does. He also ‘has the ear’ of the Prime Minister, apparently. [That's nothing. Captain Jack Harkness has the hand of a Time Lord. - Steve] I hope that means a hilarious task in 10 Downing Street or something later on. We then see lots of clips of Sralan being cross and of the contenders arguing, and all this is backed by NEW dramatic music with lots of emphasis. We see a few upcoming ‘you’re fireds’ but nothing to match the ‘you’re a lightweight’ or ‘you’re a total shambles’ of previous series. Booo. Oh, and is it just me, or was the ‘no backstabbers, no arse-lickers, no bullshitters’ slogan missing? I can’t cope with the change.

Back to the familiar background music, we see the candidates waiting in the boardroom entrance. Someone is wearing very strong pinstripes. This area hasn’t changed. BUT HOLD ON A COTTON PICKING MINUTE? That person calling them in didn’t sound like Frances. Have they replaced her? What IS going on?

The candidates enter the boardroom, which looks a bit bluer, and more glowy. [This means everyone appears to have bright blue eyes, and Sralan and Nick look even silver foxier than usual - Fiona] Sralan is wearing a rather scary aqua-coloured tie. Sralan gives them the usual ‘nervous? You should be’ speech and the arrogant Irish one looks smug and as if she’s taking the piss out of him a bit. I think this may be relevant for future reference.

Sralan goes through the normal rigmarole of explaining there are two teams, there’ll be tasks, they’ll come back to the boardroom, someone is GANNA GET FIRED. He calls it a business bootcamp (and, seriously, no more invocation of The X Factor, kthankxbai). He reminds them that ‘Mary Poppins I am not’. Although Mary Poppins was pretty efficient and got those kids in shape so maybe she wouldn’t be a bad future host if Sralan ever gave it up. He introduces Margaret Mountford, who has ditched her trademark grey suit for a very severe black polo neck combo and some fierce new specs (please can they stop messing with the format already?) Fortunately Nick is exactly the same as ever. They both practice their ‘looks’.

Sralan goes on about how the candidates will be living in a ‘beautiful house, well actually it’s a disused factory. In my day they used to make glass, now they convert them for posers like you’ (Heh. But also: a new house?). And in another NEW! TWIST! he tells them they aren’t going there yet but are getting on with the task straight away. Which means we don’t get the bitchy cocktail party bit this episode, I’m afraid. Booo.

The task is that they have £600 of fish each to sell around London. There is another reminder of the rules yadayadayada. An anonymous blonde woman (who I know is Lucinda Ledgerwood, but this show has resolutely forgotten to tell us anyone’s names) is wearing a very bright green jacket. The ladies are more colourful this year than usual. The gents are not.

We see more candidate videos, except they aren’t even new candidates, they are ones we saw in the first bunch of clips. The posh man says that ‘when mere morsels quake, I don’t’ and Sara says that ‘business is simple: it’s about making money, making money and more money’. We then see the family hater man from before who is Michael Sophocles, a telesales ‘executive’. He says, ‘I am arrogant. What are you gonna do about it?’ Nice. I don't believe him though. He is more Samuel than Syed, I think. [I agree. I should think a hallmark of genuine arrogance is a total failure to recognise that anyone would be offended by your own obvious brilliance. - Steve]

We focus back on the task, which, in case you have dropped off, is selling fish. Sralan says that says some of them think they might be executive level people thinking, ‘oooh I don’t wanna get my hands dirty, that sort of thing’ and reminds us that he got his hands dirty as a salesman (DRINK).

We see a few of those tense in-car moments, but seeing as we DON’T KNOW WHO ANYONE IS YET, they aren’t that interesting.

And onto the infamous name choosing bit. The boys, as usual, have a big old fight about it. A blonde guy who looks and sounds like a Matt Lucas character (and will be called Matt Lucas until I learn his name) suggests ‘Alchemy’ because it’s all about making magic. Michael suggests ‘Dynamic’ or ‘Impetus’ which: no. Someone else we don’t get to see suggests 'renaissance' because it means rebirth and the team are involved in change. Pompous guys suggests 'Gravitas', because it means weight. Everyone ignores him and plumps for 'Renaissance'. Pompous guy looks pissed.

Over to the girls’ team and Lucinda suggests 'Alpha', because it means dominant, it’s the beginning of the Greek alphabet, also looks like a fish. (Which: it so doesn’t. Also, Alpha is the name of a very well known introduction to Christianity type course so it’s hardly a new and innovative brand name. Eclipse, now that was a brand, eh, Jadine?). Anyway, they all vote for 'Alpha'. And it’s at least better as a name than First Forte.

On we come to nominating the team leader. The best salesperson in Europe tries to pass the buck to someone else straight away because she’s, you know, like, to be on the floor and that (read: knows the girls’ team always lose in week one and the team leader always gets fired). A ginger lady whose name I also know because initial press coverage said she was Jenny Celerie (it’s actually Celerier, but let’s not remember that because Celerie is better) also ducks out, and northern prettier version of Kerry Katona, Claire, ends up taking it on. We see her little intro clip where she compares herself to the family German Shepherd dog, because she is always crashing into things to go and get what she wants, which is a bit of a clumsy analogy, but whatever. Also: this is the last candidate intro we get, so we have met (I think) seven of the sixteen candidates. WHY? I know their intro bits are all on The Apprentice website, but srsly, this is just remiss.

With the boys team, and a northern bloke says ‘we were looking at you mate’ to the pompous bloke. He stutters and says ‘I wouldn’t feel confident at this stage’ (Read: I don’t want to be the first fired). [This from the guy who said "where mere mortals quake, I don't," about two minutes ago. - Steve] A young boy steps up and says ‘I’m a regional sales manager of 14 (at the age of 14?? Work experience is better than it was in my day). I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate’. The pompous guy mumbles some crap about ‘I’m not passing the buck, I just do not want… I’m only used to managing myself’. Liar.

We see the vans and are told that the teams must work out what each fish is and what to sell it for. Footage of their feet walking. One of the girls has funky purple shoes. I think it may be Lucinda Ledgerwood as she is later shown in a purple slanty beret hat and a purple dress. There is a shot of Sara being a bit bolshy with a fishmonger as they discuss location.

The boys having location fight whilst wearing some oh-so-sexy white boots and blue aprons. The boy says he’ll make an executive decision and ‘on my head be it’. They decide to go to Islington (out of a choice of four locations). Of course, the girls are already in Islington. They are reversing the van along the market, and we see shots of bemused market traders and pedestrians. One marlet trader calls out that ‘it is total bollocks, we’re not allowed our vans here’. Maybe there will be some repercussions from this later? Anyway, another unidentified contender (she’s actually called Lindi, but in the promo she says she’s royalty, so she gets called Princess for now). Voiceover man says they have to identify and price 22 boxes of fish. They have red aprons – better than boys’ blue. Sralan has given them a file of pictures, but before they have time to set out their stock they’re surrounded by a mob of ‘bargain hunters’. Princess asks the customers what they usually pay, and Irish chaotically sells some lemon sole.

Cut to Nick. Hooray! He says it is swamped because they are selling it below wholesale prices: for example, dover sole is being sold at £5 a kilo less. Methinks the editing has gone a little awry here as they can’t surely have been swamped as soon as they arrived, but whatevs.

The boys traipse through. Michael says girls getting there first is the main issue, and they need to get to it straight away, no faffing about. And seeing as faffing about is a core component of teams in this show, I don’t think he will get his wish.

They dish out jobs. The boy is called Alex (and looks a bit Alexy, well, a bit like Alex Sibley from BB3, anyway). The job of identifying fish is given to ‘entrepreneur Rafe’. So that’s the name of pompous git. NDLB is pricing. The VO says that ‘he’s achieved at the highest academic level (which: no. Even two of your humble Apprent-bitch team have achieved higher levels of education than him and we know people waaay more educated than us. Still, we can feel a bit superior over him, which is nice). We see an intro clip where NDLB says he once got a B, which was a failure to him, having got straight As through school – other than that he’s never had a failure. [As revealed on You're Fired, NDLB's B was in French. I got an A*. Quel dommage. - Steve] And as we know he hasn’t a hope in hell of winning this show, I think his first failure is not too far away.

Alex goes to copy a local fishmonger’s prices (and disappointingly, doesn’t get chased) and decides to undercut the fishmonger on lobster. NDLB prices them at £4.90 each (not £4.90 per lb as Alex wanted) Michael then offers a customer another lobster for half price (seriously? WTF?). Margaret (yay) says they made a complete mix up, and that it’s easy to sell lobster for £5 each when it should be £10-15 each.

Girls’ team. Princess bargains with some customers and loses so sells her stock cheaper than it is priced. Er, top quality sales, there. Lucinda Ledgerwood (still in fetching beret) looks disgusted at the fish. Voiceover man informs us that after two hours, the girls’ stock is still not properly labelled. Chaos ensues as they have to reprice and relabel.

Boys: NDLB goes to the girls’ stall and sees that the girls are pricing lobster at £23 per kilo. He goes back and has an argument with Alex about pricing. Rafe acts as a self-appointed ‘peacemaker’ spouting some conflict resolution business mumbo-jumbo. NDLB tries to pass the buck – ‘I’m doing all the pricing, I can’t be responsible wah wah wah’. Dick. We see Michael speak to camera in a ‘later’ shot saying Alex was bullying Nick andd trying to make him a scapegoat. It didn’t really seem like that, but hey.

Back with the girls, and Sara counts money. They have only made £440, with ¾ of the stock sold. They have a big argument about who was responsible but it doesn’t go anywhere. Claire then takes Princess and a couple of anonymous others away to flog half of the remaining fish in an ‘upmarket area’.

The boys discover that ‘expensive monkfish tails’ have been labelled as turbot. The boys have an argument about it (and where are they all? We only ever see five of them – what are the others doing?). Rafe’s eyebrows are very disturbing. His hair even more so. What IS it? It looks like an avalanche sliding down his head. Northern man does a bit of barrow boy shouting.

Voiceover man tells us that teams must clear all their stock as Sralan doesn’t want it in the boardroom. The boys try to sell some to a chippy. We then see a shot of one of the boys (possibly Northern man) failing to chop a head off a fish, and then, and even worse failing to cut the fish it in half – just mushing it up. This is really not for squeamish vegetarians like me, especially when its eye spurts open. He says to the others that it’s alright because ‘she’s putting it in a stew anyway’. The customer looks less than impressed.

The girls try to flog their fish to a restaurmant for £150, eventually getting £125. Lucinda Ledgerwod is still wearing her beret.

More London porn.

The boys try to sell fish in a solicitors office. A man swears at them! He gives them the V! Oh no, my mistake. He actually says get two. At the stall, Northern bloke weighs and prices the fish up before the others go back to the solicitors. Alex says they should get £130. The sales team say to (another) solicitor they’ll sell it all for £100. He says £50. They offer £80. He says no. The boys have a fight amongst themselves. The solicitor guy says ‘the customer’s always right, yeah?’ Basically, he knows they are completely useless and he totally owns them here. Go solicitor guy. I miss The Badger. She’d have sold it for £300, I bet. Oh, and is Rafe wearing eyeliner? He looks like Noel Fielding‘s corpse. I am going to have nightmares tonight.

They go back to the others and Michael says he negotiated as much as he couldm and couldn’t get any more. Rafe said it wasn’t Michael, it was all of them. Yes, you were all a bunch of pussies who got completely pwned.

More London porn.

Taxi rides: the girls are eating crisps and sarnies in theirs, which is cool, and makes a change.

NDLB says he thinks the boys’ team is already split in half (them against us: us being Michael, Rafe, him and an unseen candidate who is also in the car). Alex says the shining stars were Simon (who?), Ian (who?), Lee (who?) and ‘myself to some degree’.

Princess says Claire was very vocal but not very dominant for someone supposedly managing million pound budgets.

Dramatic music. DRINK!

In the board room, Sralan establishes who led the teams. He asks if Claire was a good team leader, and the girls give a half-hearted yes. Sralan questions the logic of having the whole lot of them in the same place for four hours, and of their team organisation. Claire said the others just started selling despite what she was saying about pricing: ‘apart from hitting someone over the head with a fish I don’t know what I was supposed to do’. Sralan harrumphs that it was a ‘Bloody mess to me’.

When the boys are asked if Alex was a good team leader, half nod. NDLB says no, he emphasised the wrong things. Rafe babbles something about positivity being eradicated. Michael says spats went on. Sralan asks ‘do I detect a split in camp?’ Alex says it was split cos of delegation – different tasks. Rafe says there was a rift ‘because there was’. Right. A tall anonymous bloke says Alex had a strategy that they (Rafe and co) didn’t want. Alex says Lee, Simon and Ian did well. Michael gets strop about Alex singling out his friends for praise. Alex says Michael also did well and what do you mean friends, they only met today.

The figures: boys came back with £632.69 – profit of £32.69. The girls came back with £753.98 – profit of £153.98. So, for the first time ever the girls win in week one. Yet another NEW! TWIST! Sralan snipes about both profits being a bit poo, and sends the girls home to the new house, saying Jean Christophe Novelli is there to cook for them.

Alex looks nervous. Sralan bitches about the boys being a bloody shambles (DRINK!), and asks him to bring back his boardroom buddies cos ‘at the end of the day one of you is gonna get fired’ (DRINK!).

Oooh, I’ve just noticed. No-one has mentioned the dreaded 110% tonight! [Yet - Fiona]

The driver, wearing the biggest Bluetooth earpiece thing EVAR (bet it’s Amstrad), takes the girls to the new house. What. The Hell? It’s completely different. There’s a yellow ramp thing that looks like a piece of cheese, a spiral staircase, an oval table, a huge kitchen. It’s all very open plan and feels a bit Big Brother. What happened to the old house? There is general all-round squealing and Jennie Celerie sits in a large sunken bath.

The boys are in the café of crap. Alex asks how they can accuse him of causing a rift when they only met today. Rafe said he didn’t say Alex created it but there was a rift and Alex may have exacerbated it.

Back at the house with Jean Christophe – will he be serving his frozen food ready meals range that ‘is as good as the real thing’? Haha – it’s fish!!! The girls pretend they are happy about this but, clearly, no.

Boardroom. Sralan is using a very boring phone. What happened to the video phone thingy? Not Frances at least gets the lines right: ‘Sralan will see you now’. In the boardroom he says ‘I gave you pictures, I gave you the wholesale prices, what else could I do? It’s like Janet and John’. Nick says the girls’ pitch on a normal day outsells theirs by 5: 1. Salan asks how Rafe got the fish ID wrong. He says ‘I got ONE wrong’. Margaret calls him and says he got THREE boxes wrong. Heh. Sralan calls NDLB on prices. NDLB says he doesn’t see what he did wrong. Some of it was to do with identification. And what the hell is his moustache thing and hair cut? Posh boys can’t do hair, clearly. Nick says didn’t it strike anyone that £5 lobster was bloody cheap? Matt Lucas boy says something I don’t quite get about them getting fifty quid.

Shock! NDLB and Rafe are coming back in. They bitch stare Alex. I am worried here. The two posh boys clearly make good telly, but Alex is the only vaguely fit one so please let him stay. [Indeed. The contestants are generally more attractive this year, but I would've been crushed to lose the most obvious eye candy before the obligatory answering-phone-in-underwear shot. - Steve] Sralan sends them back to the house for tomorrow

London Eye porn.

On the way back, the chiselled anonymous bloke pouts and shakes his head. Back at the house, I notice that Tall bloke’s jacket doesn’t fit- it’s too small for him. Why am I so obsessed with what they all look like today?

NDLB bitches to camera about being a scapegoat and says ‘I’m relying on Sralan to see through the reality of the situation’ which makes no sense whatsoever. Next morning. Rafe says ‘I am going to fight to the death… a gladiatorial battle… I will come out on top’. Alex looks dishevelled like he’s had no sleep. He looks so doomed. But will Sralan really keep two posh boys in? Rafe is wearing a red tie and cravat and grey suit. He looks like an uber sinister member of Kraftwerk.

Defence time. Alex says he was the most adaptable, he’d never sold fish before but sold fish today, that he was not here to make friends, but here to be the apprentice. NDLB says a barrier has been drawn between the educated and the gritty sales people, which is the single most twattish thing I have heard anyone say on this show, ever. Perhaps. Alex says ‘I am educated, just cos I don’t go on about having a Masters in law. I am educated, I find that quite insulting’. NDLB then digs himself into a deeper hole: ‘Sralan, if I can explain to you, I am into art and culture. I don’t like to talk about football like some of these guys do’. Lest we forget, he is talking to Sralan the famous footie fan. [He might as well have started listing all the ways the Commodore 64 was superior to the Amstrad CPC if he wanted to be fired that badly. - Steve] Sralan asks ‘what’s that gotta do with work?’ NDLB says it’s about the division. Sralan: ‘you think theres a cultural divide’? Alex: ‘so I’m an uneducated guy who’s into football?’ Sraan: ‘I don’t care who I employ, they could be cockneys or toffs like yourself’ He asks if Rafe agrees with NDLB. Rafe: ‘I’m just finding this conversation incredibly boring. Sralan: ‘Well I’m sorry if I’m boring you. Rafe: ‘No no not yourself, this debate. I get on with prince or pauper’. Sralan: ‘Prince or pauper? And you’re the prince are you?’

Alex chips in that he is privately educated, has a degree and has ‘worked transatlantically since the age of 21’ (and what does that mean? He’s worked on a cruise ship?) Anyway, it’s quite good, because he is totally calling the two posh ones on their snobbery. Sralan asks NDLB if his degree was outstanding, why wasn’t he outstanding yesterday?.

Sralan asks Rafe why he shouldn’t fire him and Rafe says ‘I gave it all one hundred and ten…’ and here Sralan interjects, which is awesome. He obviously hates that phrase as much as me. He says these are just words, clichés, what did you do? Rafe: ‘by the way it’s not just words, I LITERALLY left with my hands bleeding’ (if so, why didn’t we see any blood porn, eh?). Alex then gets a little bit awesome (but only a little bit). He tells the other two they each sold less than fifty pounds worth of stock and each completely messed up the tasks they were given.

Sralan gives a beardy stroke (DRINK!). He says ‘I’ve been in business 45 years’ (DRINK!) and if someone identified the wrong products they would be fired ‘no question of a doubt’. He calls them all on their general rubbishness before delivering his verdict: ‘Nicholas: you told me you got an outstanding pass from the bar, you told me you were devastated when you got a B in your French, well now you’re going to be even more devastated because you got a big F from me, you’re fired’.

Alex he stayed because he put himself forward, and repeats this when talking to Nick and Margaret. Margaret says he wasn’t any good as a team leader, but none of them were prepared to do it.

Walk of shame time, and HANG ON A MINUTE, yet ANOTHER new building. Will you please stop fucking with things?! This is a big glass chrome thing that looks a bit warehousy, not a patch on the hotel type building of yore. Eviction coat watch: a big black trenchcoat thing that makes him look rather like a war villain or something. Margaret says she was surprised how badly he spoke up in his own defence. (Especially considering he is so outstanding at law and all that).

Back at the house... oooh, nice big garden. Northern man says he thinks Rafe is the kind of guy who could talk himself into getting fired by telling SAS he’s wrong. He’d be amazed if Alex doesn’t walk back, thinks the buck stopped with NDLB. The gents walk up the cheese ramp, everyone cheers. [Heh. It did seem that NDLB is not likely to be missed. - Steve] This new place is not like a proper cosy living room as in previous series, and the sofas look uncomfortable. Rafe says it’s one of the ‘most scariest things you will ever ever do’ (umm, the spoken word is his tool). NDLB in the bitch cab uses some crappy law metaphor for why he should have stayed in and it was all Alex’s fault. If it were it left to him he would always succeed. Oh, it couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.

Next week: virtual Sralan tells them to start a laundry business. Cue dirty linen metaphors.

You’re Fired highlights:

- Rafe says ‘the spoken word is my tool’. Adrian Chiles: tool is just about the right word there.

- NDLB is tiny. He wears creepy shades and a white tie. His hair is different but still weird, and he has a sinister mini beard thing going on.

- This set hasn’t changed. Thank fuck. All this messing with the format has worn me out.

- Some ace unseen bits of NDLB saying ‘I am from a sophisticated background, therefore its not always easy to mix with people who do come from a less cultured, a less privileged background’, and chatting to chiselled bloke in taxi, who says ‘what kind of art do you do’? NDLB: ‘Well, some people compare me to Dali’ (Who? Who are these people? I’ve ‘seen his art). Chisel: ‘Well, you know what my mum says, if you can piss you can paint. Adrian Chiles does on to rip the piss out of NDLB’sart which is rather ace but probably a bit disrespectful.

- Karren Brady reminds us Rafe said about not ‘quaking in his boots’ unlike ‘mere mortals’ and then completely pussied out of leading the team, and we see a seriously awesome boardroom clip where Sralan says to him ‘what is all this stuff about faced death many times? Where have you faced dath many times? A hairdressing shop?’ Word.

See you next week for all kinds of laundry-related mayhem!

Contenders, ready

The 16 apprentices have been revealed, but we don't want to give too much info on here about them yet, because it will totally spoil the fun of making snap judgements about them in episode one.

However, we thought you might like to visit their websites while you wait... Apprentice contestant websites have been a source of legend in the past, let's hope this lot are equally as fun.

• Helene Speight
• Jenny Celerie(r) - Under construction! Booo!
• Nicholas De Lacy Brown

And so far, that's it. How paltry. If anyone finds the sites for the missing contenders, do let us know. Note, we are aware of Sarah Dadha's car sales site, but it's just way too dull to bother with.