Selling what's smelling

Episode 3 – 22^nd October 2014

Hello, and welcome back to The Apprent-Bitch. I’m Helen and I’m back again, for the second week running. The things I do for you guys. We begin, as always, with the concept of The Apprentice and a recap of last week,where the concept of wearable technology was stretched to its absolute very limit.

So, to the business of this week. A phone rings in the Apprentihouse at 5.45am. Katie runs for it in the manner that we’ve become accustomed to from her. She’s basically the Hermione Granger of the process. Lord Sugar would like to meet them at the Royal Exchange and the car will be there in 20 minutes. Daniel doesn’t’ know what the Royal Exchange is. Sarah asks Nurun if she’s ok and she answers her in a manner that suggests that she really can’t give a single fup about being asked or answering.  Sanjay (I think it’s Sanjay) dries under his arms with a hairdryer which has taken my tolerance levels to their very limits.  Various boys discuss how they can’t lose to GIRLS again. Ugh. Really? Are we not over this shit yet? It’s only Solomon that mentions the boys’ performance so far has been a disgrace. Mark Wright goes one step further into awfulness and states that he doesn’t even want to be mixed up with the girls. He wants the boys to win a task as the boys without any help from stinky girls. Nurun poses the question of the teams being mixed up to the girls and Lindsey replies that she’s going to get on with it because she’s WELL BZNZ.

At the Royal Exchange, which is a posh shopping centre, Lord Sir Sugar welcomes them and says that he’s heard that posh candles is a good money spinner so they’re doing that. He reminds them that they’re basically selling a smell so they’ve got to concentrate on the easy margins. He reminds them that they’ve all been a bit pants so far so he hopes that they do better today. He is mixing up the teams though. Steven, Daniel and Filipe are going over to Tenacious D and Nurun, Lindsey, Roisin and Bianca are now team Summit.

Voicover man reminds us that candles and wick diffusers are big money and fashionable right now. So much that Lordsiralan’s researchers have told him about it. Kicking off with the teams, Filipe wants to know if anyone in Tenacious D has any experience and Steven makes a face that shows he’s concerned with the shade of it all over on team summit. Katie is putting herself forward as the leader of Tenacious D because she’s obsessed with the smell of her home. She’s not light hearted about it; she takes tit all very seriously. She asks for a hands up to vote for her and everyone’s happy to pass the buck. Katie interviews that it’s all about the margin and she’s all for making lots of money. By jove! She’s got it! Sarah chips in that it’s all about the fragrance and she thinks the candle should smell like food. Yup. Kebab candles. Kebandles. That’s unisex. Katie reminds her that nobody wants to smell food in a hotel room.

Over with Summit, Roisin seems to be the leader because she’s an accountant and it’s all about the numbers. Isn’t every task? She then goes on to list all the smells she likes. Helpful. Solomon wants a beach smell. Roisin interviews that she’d like to lead Summit to their first victory, even though it’s the most intense task they’ve had to date. It’s the third out of three, lady. She wants to make sure everyone knows what they’re doing. Lindsey’s all for being creative but not so much for the numbers. Nurun isn’t sure what she’s doing until Bianca reminds everyone that everyone has the ability to smell with a face that suggests that she has little time for anyone’s shit. Roisin is worried because there’s no time for passengers so she gives Summit a lecture about how the boys won’t be putting in the type of arse covering performance under her that they have been. That’s totally going to work. Over with Tenacious D, Katie is sending off her market research team and they have a little high five. [Why does this show ever bother with market research?  (Or "market research")  Once upon a time it was good for LULZ but now it does NOTHING AT ALL. - Rad]

In one of the Summit cars, Sanjay tells Nurun and Lindsey that he’s really pleased that he’s not on a team with Filipe, Steven and Daniel anymore because they’re the weakest links of the team. Little does he know that he’s talking to two of Tenacious D’s weakest links.  Lauren, Daniel, Steven and Sarah all go off to a candle shop to do some market research. The lady in the candle shop tells them NEVER to go for coloured wax or paraffin. Pay attention, because that bit is important. Filipe, Katie and Pamela, who hasn’t existed before this episode, are in a car on their way to East Sussex to do the fragrance stuff. Filipe has been doing sums and reckons that the soya wax over paraffin wax too expensive. Katie agrees and that Lordsirsugar was all about the margins and it doesn’t matter if their product is cheap because they can make it look expensive. [Finally!  Someone who has watched this show!  MOAR BASIL! - Rad] They phone up the Market Research team to tell them this. The market research team say that their market research of one shop has told them that paraffin wax is the way to go. Katie reminds them that it’s all about the margins and besides, they need it to be paraffin because they want coloured wax. The market research team collectively eyeroll again and say that their extensive market research has told them that coloured wax is a no no. Katie wants a pastelly yellow. Lauren is disappointed that their market research isn’t being listened to. Pamela says that they aren’t taking a stab in the dark and they know what they’re doing, which begs the question of what the point of the market research was, but what the heck do I know?

The creative halves of Summit and Tenacious D are already at the perfumery. Lindsey, Nurun, Sanjay and Solomon are sniffing beachy scents, whilst Katie, Filipe, Jemma and Pamela are looking for a Green Tea base with Aloe Vera. And that’s that. Done. The other halves are in charge of branding. Tenacious D’s Ella Jade wants a name that will bring meaning to the candle. How about “candle”. How much more meaning do you need? Lauren wants Evoke. Sarah suggests ‘Lemonise’ and helpfully mentions that it’s a made up word.  [Sarah's obsession with lemons is amazing and a unique way to have a character trait (as if Former PA AND hynotherapist wasn't character trait enough) - Rad] Someone else suggests ‘Nostalgia’, this is met with a ‘no’. The next suggestion, and I kid you not, is ‘Yellow Submarine’. My Daniel and I make the same face of despair. Daniel suggests British Breeze as he’s proud of being British. Nick interviews that the green tea is from China  the Aloe Vera from Africa and the lemongrass from Thailand so of course it’s British. HEY HEWER, THE EMPIRE STOLE ALL OF THOSE THINGS FAIR AND SQUARE.  They’re actually going for British Breeze and they put it on the box. They also put lemongrass as two words but we’re way past the point of worrying about that. Ella Jade declares it ‘Literally perfect’.

Summit’s creatives aren’t faring much better. Roisin wants something that evokes relaxation. Mark Wright wants ‘Smells from the Surf’. Bianca wants ‘Beach Dreams’ because people dream about the beach. Fair dos. Karren interviews that Roisin seems to have the right high end vision and thinks that they could really sell the product. Oh Karren, don’t tell me you don’t watch the programme either?

Tomorrow, both teams are selling the stock on the streets of London. Filipe asks Katie in the back of their car how much she would pay for a candle, speaking as the type of idiot person that buys this shit stuff? She reckons £25 to £30. There’s also a chance to pitch samples to high end trade.  Team Summit are deciding the pricing strategy for trade. Bianca is concerned about the margins on bulk buys. Katie has no such concerns. She wants to start at £35 per unit and work down. She wants to sell diffusers for £25. Sarah seems concerned that this is too much for one candle. Katie tells her to be quiet. Katie then says that they can only win if they make the most profit. That tends to be the definition of winning, unless you’re some kind of ‘everyone’s a winner’ hippy, the kind for which this show has no time for. Margins=profit apparently.

Over with Summit, they’re making the candles and wick diffusers. They begin by not being able to put a pair of rubber gloves on, which is an excellent start by anyone’s standards. Sanjay is already holding his head. He then tries to explain the formulas to a completely lost Nurun and Lindsey. They don’t get it. Tenacious D’s yellow candles are getting made next door. They’re very yellow. Back with Summit, Lindsey and Nurun are both going on about how Sanjay is the clever one and they’re just the glamour. Ugh, both myself and feminism would like to thank you both for that statement. Karren is also disgusted at the lack of contribution from the girls and reminds us that LordsirAlan has no time for passengers just as Lindsey tells Sanjay that she’s happy for him to do it all.

Team Beach Dreams, aka Summit, have arrived at a luxury hotel with samples. They’re selling to the posh, British Michael Moore who wants them to know that he’s only used to the very best. Mark Wright assures him that they’re at the high end of the fragrance arena, whatever that means.  He goes through the good points such as the soy wax, because there’s no point putting cheap wax in a luxury candle. Hotel man asks to smell one and James lights it with a ‘7 for £1’ lighter then makes a quip about jumping into bed afterwards. The hotel man looks at him and tells  him that it costs three and a half thousand pounds to do that in a manner that suggests that he probably couldn’t afford that. Candles lit, the hotel man thinks that it’s a nice gentle smell and this is good because he doesn’t want to overpower his clients. He then asks money. They’re selling for £15 each (!).  This doesn’t seem to upset him and he orders 25 candles and 25 diffusers. [Some people have money to burn eyethangyew - Rad]

Tenacious D are at a members club, Home House. Daniel offers them a discount on 50 candles. They reply that they’ve only got 20 bedrooms. Steven is pulling his shade face again as Daniel tries to sell them 30. Steven then sighs and says 25. Daniel doesn’t like this then says it again. It works and they sell 25 reed diffusers for £20 each.  Daniel isn’t happy about it and Steven explains to him very nicely that they weren’t going to buy more than 20, to which Daniel guffaws that they bought 25. Steven continues on that Daniel was intimidating them so he felt he had to save the pitch. Summit are still making yellow candles. Lindsey isn’t measuring and Solomon has dipped his tie in the wax. It’s a hot mess. [*Rimshot* - Rad] They finish and go back to bed though.

9am the next day and the finished product arrives. Roisin is happy with her Beach Dreams for Summit, but Tenacious D think that their yellow candles may be a bit too yellow. Lauren is disappointed that they’re not creamier. Katie says that she would buy it. But you’re an idiot, Katie.

The teams are divided up into who’s selling what. Roisin puts Solomon, James, Lindsey and Nurun out to sell to the public. Sanjay, Mark, Bianca and herself are selling to business. Mark Wright interviews that it’s a selling day and he’s a salesman. He’s going to ensure that he’s selling everyone. Roisin wants a subteam leader that’s clear on the pricing. James puts himself forward. He’s happy that James is on the stand and him on the businesses and he’s happy things are getting sold.

Tenacious D are deciding their sales strategy. Pamela suggests a starting price of £40 then working down. She doesn’t want them to go below £25. Roisin reminds Summit that their goal price is £25. She’s happy for them to sell them for whatever they can but doesn’t suggest a bottom line even though James suggests that selling for £5 may be better than selling nothing. James wants a deal, like 3 for £30 and even when Bianca insists that they shouldn’t sell them for a tenner, Roisin still doesn’t set an absolute bottom line. James says he’ll use his initiative. That’s going to go well.

Cars are loaded up. Team Tenacious D are in a new shopping centre “One New Change”. Sarah  seems to have picked today to be difficult. She asks Lauren where the stickers are. Lauren says they’re on the table and can she put them on discreetly. Sarah asks where discreet is and claims that the customers like it when they see you making the product in front of them. Lauren disagrees and tells her to get on with it. Sarah is listening and wishes that Lauren wasn’t so bossy. God, she’s awful. Lauren interviews that Sarah is the actual worst over footage of Sarah whining about being told what to do. She persists in being awful, to the point where Pamela has her head in her hands.

Summit are at Greenwich market. James has ignored all the chat about margins and is selling at £15 and claiming a recommended price of £45. Lindsey questions this and James just blathers some rubbish about high end products at hers. Karren then gets her knickers in a twist about the inflated RRP and tells James to take it down because its BZNZ LIES. He licks the price off. 

Over on the other side of town, Tenacious D are delivering their reed diffusers to the private members club. They like the packaging but the label isn’t on straight. Ella Jade says that this is ok because hopefully it will look ok from a distance, which coincidentally, is my online dating profile. Gentlemen. Katie jumps in and says that she’ll replace it. The man is grateful because they can’t have anything representing their brands which is  less than perfect. Katie then has to go through all the labels whilst Filipe runs to get another from the car.  Roisin is discussing pricing with an indifferent Sanjay on their way to their first appointment. Roisin’s pitch is to say that the product speaks for itself.  The sell the reed diffusers and half of their candles. Business deals done, they hope that the candles are being sold to individuals for a higher margin. They all talk about how Nurun is probably doing a good job in a manner which suggests they are trying to talk themselves into it.

Cut to Nurun failing epically at selling candles to anyone. The others are selling them for a tenner, which is going to go down well. James interviews that Lindsey hasn’t been doing anything much, over footage of her fiddling with a box. He wants to know what the story is then goes over to make her do some selling. She interviews that she hasn’t got the knack. We all know how much Lord Sir loves someone who can’t sell. Tenacious D are doing a bit better. They’re selling them for the high end prices. Well, everyone apart from Sarah is. Sarah says that she can’t sell them for more than £10. Everyone tells her that’s utter nonsense and they’ve all been selling them for around £30 so the problem must be her. She disagrees and says that her experience is clearly more important than everyone else’s. Nick reflects this in his interview. The others may not be selling much, but they’re all selling them at a profit. We see Sarah going up to people who clearly don’t want to be stopped.

Over at Summit, Solomon is hugging a deal out and James is selling two candles for £10 saying that there’s no such thing as a bad profit. Ah, I think there is, like when the profit isn’t a profit because you’ve sold too low? That’s surely a bad profit. Karren interveiwes that the pricing is a free for all and they’re ignoring the pricing strategy.  Business insights there, Karren.  Tenacious D arrive at Mahiki nightclub and sells some candles and diffusers to an evil genius. They take £900 for that deal alone. Summit are now delivering their goods to British Michael Moore. He’s surprised by the square glass but says that his expectations have been exceeded by the actual product and buys more than he said he would. He then asks about the diffusers and Mark Wright tells him that they’ve sold out. Bianca tells him that this may have been an error as he would’ve bought them. Karren tuts in a corner then interviews that they sold all the diffusers for £8.50 to a gift shop when they could’ve sold them to this man for more money. They’ve been ignoring the ‘Margin is king’ mantra. Roisin then calls into the other half of the team and says that they’re on their way to Kensington and wants to know what they’ve got left. Apparently, this is 53 candles and 2 diffusers. She wants them to pack up and bring them over. Upon hearing this, James decides to sell FORK HANDLES for £10 instead of carrying them over to Kensington to sell. *facepalm*.

Tenacious D aren’t selling any candles in the shopping centre. Sarah suggests making them more appealing. Pamela reports back that they’ve only made around £200. Katie wants them to move to a different location and start hustling. Katie reminds everyone that £200 is only 10 candles. I make it 7 if they’re selling at £30 but who’s counting? Sarah then offers to sell someone a candle at ‘£15, maybe £10’. She interviews that they’re too expensive and LordSir agrees. She sells one for £10. Cut to team Summit who are selling two reed diffusers to a bridal shop and Roisin actually takes a phone call in the middle of the sale.  It’s the other half of the team wondering how they’re getting on. Roisin says that they’re in the middle of closing a deal on two reed diffusers. James tells her not to bother and that they’ll sell more on the street so she cancels the sale.

I really, really, really hope Summit lose by the price of two reed diffusers.

Cut to Katie’s team running across the road to try to sell fragrance to a pub who says that they’d rather smell of beer. James tries to sell his final job lot to a shop that looks like it’s trying to be a pop up. He’s doubtful. He sells them all. The man in the pub buys five diffusers to make them go away. The street team of Tenacious D are disappointed at not selling enough. Daniel is gutted. He thinks that everyone knows they lost and is feeling bad about it, but he’s going to concentrate on covering his own backside.

BOARDROOM!

Lordsiralan thinks this task was dead simple, make a product, make it beautifully and sell it for a profit. He doesn’t want to hear any excuses about how you just do internet and how it’s not your job. Lindsey licks her teeth at this. It’s so simple anyone can do it. It matters not if you’re a butcher, baker or...wait for it... A CANDLESTICK MAKER. Oh dear LORD, who writes this stuff?

He kicks off with Summit. Roisin is the PM. She says she did this because her experience as an accountant could bring something to the team. Lordsir wonders what her strategy was. She went for high quality product and packaging.  He nods at the box and calls it ‘neat’. You’re not American, with respect, Lordsir. Next question is about the strategy. Roisin begins talking about the hotel and James chips in that the man ordered Candles and reeds. Karren then points out that the reeds were sold before they got there. Mark Wright is the only one with the decency to look embarrassed at this. Lordsir isn’t happy and all Roisin can do is repeat it when Karren says that he was unhappy that they turned up without them. Lordsir then goes on to pricing strategy. Roisin says that her strategy was to go in high then ‘be adaptable’ throughout the rest of the day as the market dictated. James purses his lips at this. He then wonders how Roisin did as PM. They’re all happy. James then pipes in and says that he had 50 units left at the end and he did a deal on them.

Over at Tenacious D, Katie Granger says that she was the PM because she’s the type of person that spends money on these things. Lordsir wants to know what’s in British Breeze but doesn’t make a crack about none of the ingredients being British. I’m worried. Is he unwell? Lauren says that she wanted the product to be ‘simplistic’ and neutral, which I don’t think is what she meant to say. Lordsir compares the candle to a glass of custard and points out that it’s hardly neutral.  Lauren then says that the focus of the market research was that the candle should be neutral but when that was fed back, the decision was already made. Lordsir then FINALLY explains the concept of market research being to inform you what to make or sell. Steven agrees and says that he fed back the market research and it was ignored. Nick Hewer dares to suggest that it might have been a waste of time. ON THIS PROGRAMME? SURELY NOT.  We then move on to the pricing strategy. Katie explains that they had a starting price of £35. They tried to stick to the selling price as much as possible, apart from Sarah, who found it hard to sell at that price. This lady has no self awareness in the slightest. Wouldn’t any sensible human just STFU at this point? She then goes on to say that she sold 3 for £25 in the first hour and Katie looks defeated. Lordsir makes an Aloe Vera/Goodbye Sarah joke that nobody even pretends to laugh at.  He begs for some good news and asks if they sold out. They didn’t.  They’ve got a little bit of stock left. Mark Wright looks excited on the other team. James does a pre emptive dance.

NUMBERS! Summit sold £2,177 worth and spent £607.68 making a profit of £1,569.32.

Tenacious D sold £2,217 and spent £633.26 making a profit of 1,584.09.

Summit have lost by £14.77. Which, coincidentally, is the price of two diffusers. This is my best day EVER. God, Roisin, that’s a thought to keep you up at night. If you hadn’t taken that phone call in the bridal shop, you’d have won.

Tenacious D can’t quite believe their luck, and in the worst case of Schrödinger’s Project Manager EVAH, Lordsir pretends that they did what they were supposed to by keeping the margins high and they’ve even got stock left over for EVEN MOAR profit. Mark Wright is gutted. He’s sending them all off to a spa for a treat. Nobody hugs Sarah outside. Summit have lost because they forgot about the margins. He’ll see them later.

Team Tenacious D enjoy a spa and say that they’ve worked well as a team whilst Summit are off to the Loser’s cafe. Roisin is bitterly disappointed that they lost by such a small margin. Roisin thinks it’s because nobody stuck to the margins. James says that he would rather sell them  than not. Roisin remarks that it wasn’t a fire sale. James interviews that he might have sold for less but at least he sold and yes, they could’ve made more profit, but they would’ve made less if he didn’t, plus, anyway, Lindsey only sold £12 worth. She’s also wondering what Nurun and Lindsey did. We’re wondering that too.

LORD SUGAR WILL SEE THEM NOW.

He goes straight into asking what Roisin thought went wrong. Roisin says that she’s gutted to have lost by such a small margin. Lordsir says that it’s not really that small when you take into account the leftover stock, but we’re not, so that’s a moot point. What isn’t though, is that if you hadn’t been rude to the bridal shop lady you would’ve won by 50p. Lordsir says that she’s an accountant by profession and that the task was about margins and she should’ve been more on the money. The other team’s average selling price was £16, and theirs was £9.50 and they should’ve kept an eye on that. James wants to know what percentage of that was to business. Lordsir reminds him that he asks the questions and he should speak when spoken to.

Karren then says that Roisin should tell Lordsir what she sold the diffusers for in the gift shop. This was apparently £8.50. Lordsir compares this to selling caviar in a chip shop and apparently they were having a closing down sale before they’d even opened. James says he reduced the price to make the candles more appealing. Lordsir says that any BLADDY FOOL can sell something at half price. He wants to know how he can be so much of a loose cannon. Roisin says that she was clear on the pricing strategy but Karren reminds her that she did  give permission to discount. James says the only reason he discounted because he wanted to sell something and he would’ve done the same. Lordsir is not happy with such a presumption and says so. James was selling two candles for £10 when he should’ve been selling them higher.  Roisin sees this as a chance to pounce and says that he was discounting too early in the day.  James doesn’t want the finger pointed at him so he turns it on Roisin saying that they could’ve sold the reed diffusers to the hotel at £15 but she chose to sell them to a gift shop at £8.50 and how’s that for BZNZ? Roisin sees she’s screwed and says she isn’t pointing any fingers whist subtly wrestling her pointing finger under the table. She claims to have given them a minimum price and they all sold below the recommended price. We know that’s bollocks, look up there. I wrote it.

The finger of Sugar then points to Nurun. What’s she been doing? She claims that she was involved in manufacture and actually sold £92 pounds worth. Roisin isn’t going down alone and claims that she would’ve expected more from a supposed market expert. Nurun isn’t a London market specialist, she’s big in Peterborough. Next, to Lindsey, who only made £12 sales.  Mark Wright wants to know what she did all day. So does Lordsir. Lindsey claims that nobody was interested and she was involved in making the product. Mark Wright calls her a cop out and says that she never speaks up or does anything decisive and now she doesn’t sell. He calls her and empty seat and she knows she didn’t do anything well. Lordsir reminds her that she’s a swimming instructor and that she’s probably drowning a bit. Seriously, he needs a new writer. He then makes two more water puns that are too awful to transcribe so I’m not going to do it to myself or you lot. He asks her to reply to the accusation that she’s a bit rubbish. She says she agrees and that she’s not doing as well as she thought and maybe she should stick to her job.  Lordsir says that she spent the day walking about holding a candle and taking up someone else’s space so she’s regretfully fired. BYE LINDSEY!

Lordsir doesn’t want to hear anything other than who’s coming back. It’s Nurun and James. He’s disappointed in all of them and one will be fired when they  come back. They leave, and he says that it’s regretful that Lindsey couldn’t cope with the process but she has to go. He thinks the problem with Roisin is that she took her eye off the pricing ball and lost control. Karren thinks Nurun should’ve done better on a task within her comfort zone and nick reminds us that with Lindsey gone, she’s now the lowest seller. Lordsir says that James doesn’t know when to shut up and that he doesn’t listen. He also doesn’t know if he will improve as time goes on.

LORD SUGAR WILL SEE THEM NOW. Firstly, Lordsir wants to know why James is there. Roisin says that it’s because he didn’t get the margins he was supposed to as Sub PM. James claims to have worked his balls off and that he didn’t want to have any stock left over then throws up the hotel farrago in his defence. Lordsir says that James is a young man. He agrees. Lordsir admires his enthusiasm but he needs to shut up and needs some polishing. He doesn’t like the way he pretended to reduce the price and his professional ethics may not be up to scratch. He asks James if he knows what ethics are, and makes sure that he doesn’t think it’s where Colchester is. James toads his way through the whole thing like Toby Young at a Natterjack exhibition. He says he’s  here to learn, he’s passionate, hungry and just like the man himself. Again, watch the show.  [I think he has.  He's seen it gets him a vague redemption arc leading to a boot at interviews like all the other JUSSLIKEYOUSRALAN chippy lads - Rad] He wants help and guidance and it’s all Roisin’s fault.  Roisin says that she knew the margin and gave a minimum price. Nick wonders if she lacks command. She doesn’t think so. OF COURSE she doesn’t think so. She’s got drive, energy and ambition and sneaks in some sideways shade about not shouting around like everyone else does and acting in a professional manner. James clearly resents his accusation.

Lordsiralan then wants to look back over the last three weeks. Nurun only won last week because she was less shit than the other team and if she would’ve lost, she probably wouldn’t be there. It’s a fair cop. He takes his hat off to her for having businesses but wonders whether she can make the leap needed from small to big business that he wants for the winner. She says she’s not a type A overachiever. AGAIN, WATCH THE BLADDY SHOW. EVERYONE IS A TYPE A OVERACHIEVER. THE FACT THAT YOU THINK IT’S OK TO SAY THAT YOU’RE NOT SHOWS THAT EVEN I WOULD FIRE YOU AND I’M FAIR. She claims to be a type C person, which from her description is a bit of a plodder and plodders don’t win THE BLADDY APPRENTICE. She’s not perfect Lordsugar and DON’T TELL HER WHAT SHE CAN’T DO LORD SUGAR because she’s going to do it Lordsugar, lordsugar sir. Lord Sugar. She forgets how to speak again.

He doesn’t care what she’s saying so neither do I. Lordsir turns his attention back to Roisin saying that she started well but it went wrong through her Lack of people management and pricing strategy. He then calls James a wideboy and that he came in with the wrong attitude and it went wrong because he paid no regard to the pricing. He tells him he talks too much. He agrees. He points out that this is still not shutting up. Will this boy ever shut up? He apologises for not shutting up.

But anyway, it’s Nurun he’s worried about. She thinks she’ll be fine with the opportunity. He disagrees. He thinks its regretful that James carries on like a bit of a Jack the Lad and he’s not going to be able to continue being one. Roisin messed up a simple task as an accountant. She promises it won’t happen again.

But it’s Nurun he turns on, she won last week purely by luck and he wishes her all the best but she’s FIRED. James gets told to listen to the Project Manager and he needs to pick up the phone when things go wrong. BACK TO THE BLADDY HOUSE. Lordsir thinks Nurun is lovely but he doesn’t think she can make the leap. She taxiterviews that she’s sad that her dream has ended and she feels her potential has been overlooked and James is lucky.

Back at the house, Filipe is telling the others that they tried to make a Ferrari and sold it like a Ford. Katie wonders who’s going to get fired. Someone thinks Roisin and Mark Wright thinks that James might get the elbow for being gobby. I like Mark Wright. He knows what he’s talking about. He’s probably going to prove me horrendously wrong. They walk into the kitchen and Roisin declares the whole thing horrendous. James promises to give it a bit less gob. I don’t believe it for a second.

NEXT WEEK! Join Rad for online video channels. Oh dear LORD. [Hey, in this post-teleshopping task era, I'll take it. - Rad]

You wear it? Well...

Episode 2 – 16^th October 2014

Hello, hello! It’s good to be back. If only that phrase hadn’t been sullied. We’d all want to say it all the time. I’m claiming it’s a 90s reference because I’m well 90s and I think it’s about time Oasis reclaimed that Gary Glitter reference and made it their own. I often wonder how much of Glitter’s income Oasis are personally responsible for. One can only claim that they’re making the same calculations and feeling thoroughly ashamed of themselves. Well, that’s a good starting point for self shame for them.

But I digress. Some things never change. I can’t stick to the topic and Lord Alan Sir Suga Suga Suga STILL insists that the best way to find someone to go into business with is to find a gang of idiots and make them be idiots for our own amusement, then arbitrarily pick the one he likes best/would most like to have a private meeting with. It seems like only yesterday when Rad talked talked you through the introduction to this year’s idiots, because it was. YES! Auntie Beeb knows when she’s on to a good thing and has thoroughly spoiled us this week with not one, but TWO hours of people being utter utter bellpieces on prime time television. WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE.

We begin with the usual, he doesn’t want anyone soft, and 20 “Entrepreneurs” are going to make their parent’s thoroughly ashamed for money. The previews of the following weeks seem interesting though.

The recap of yesterday shows that we still shouldn’t be over the SHOCKING fact that there are slightly more candidates this year. All the better to confuse me with, my dear. T-Shirtgate is brought up and we see Scott and Robert get a potentially portentous roasting again. (SPOILER – DUH). Still though, there are 19 of these idiots left.

Day two and the phone rings at 5.20am. Someone who is not a bare chested bloke runs to the phone, much to the disappointment of the nation. It’s Velma-negative Jemma, who takes a bit of recognising without her GHD-d within an inch of its life bob and glasses. Lord Sir Sugar wants them at Imperial College and the cars are arriving in 20 minutes. Does this man never sleep? Sarah hopes that whoever is the project manager today does as well as she did, which I can only take to mean ‘manages to scrape through enough to be slightly less shit than the boys”. She wants to win again. Because she’s a WINNER.

Meanwhile, the boys groom in their bedroom and make their hair directional. Solomon wonders aloud how many people could be fired today. His guess is up to three. Daniel, who is currently my special favourite boy, hopes that lots of people get fired because that can only improve his chances. THAT’S WINNING TALK. The Apprenti-cars arrive and we begin the back seat bitching. James Hill, the one that looks a bit like Mark Wright, the other one, says that he wants to smash it out the park because he’s a terrible, terrible cliché. Solomon just wants to beat the girls because he doesn’t want to be humiliated again. Oh we’re playing this game, are we? Scott looks wistfully out the window, clearly wanting to distance himself as much as possible from all the sexism. Good lad.

Londonporn shows us that we’re clearly nearing our destination, which is Imperial College, LONDON. This is allegedly a centre for engineering and technology. Let’s see how quickly that gets ruined. LordSirAlan arrives on his teeny little legs and welcomes them all. He then goes on to inform them that Imperial College is a centre for innovation and technology over the last century. His researcher has told him that wearable technology is now a thing so this is what today’s task is going to be about. Not only will they have to come up with an innovative idea, they have to make it look nice. They will then have to pitch their wares to three different retailers and the team with the most sales will win and from the other, at least one will be fired. AT LEAST ONE! DID YOU HEAR THAT? THEY’VE GOT EXTRAS AND HE’S GONE ROGUE.

Then LordSirSugar strongly suggests that because Robert was such a “Shoreditch Loving Person” (trans. Bellend) that would be the target victim audience for such a product, maybe he might like to think about being the PM. It’s phrased like a question but anyone with eyes or ears can clearly see that it’s not a question. Let’s hope he takes the hint. (SPOILER – AHAHAHA) He wishes them luck then sends them off.

The voiceover man explains that wearable tech is actually a real thing and not just something they’ve made up by talking about wearable workout measuring devices and headphones in hoodies, which should be one of Julie Andrews’ favourite thing. Now we’ve had wearable tech explained to us, it’s time for Cute Circuit to explain wearable tech to the candidates like they are five.  Apparently Wearable Technology should be beautiful and functional. This is illustrated by a miniskirt that lights up, to the astonishment of all the candidates.

The teams separate, Michael is already trying to wriggle out of the very strong suggestion that he should be PM, citing “reasons” as his excuse. Nick Hewer interviews that it takes a very brave man to ignore such a suggestion from Lord Sir and Michael had managed it within minutes. He continues to try and give reasons why he shouldn’t do it which culminate in him handing it to Solomon. Solomon actively grasps this poisoned chalice because he “works online in social media” which is a made up job if ever I heard one. In fact, from what he goes on to say about his work not occupying any physical space, I think he just means he does the twitter for his mate Gary’s roofing business. He also claims to have a good grasp of fashion. His outfit says otherwise. *rimshot*. Daniel is worried though. And Dreamy.

Scott puts himself forward because he’s been to a conference about wearable technology. The boys need no further discussion. He’s in. Sanjay is the only one that’s a little bit worried about Michael ignoring the Sugarlord but he’s ignored as Nick Hewer sucks on his pen in a manner which can only be described as smug.

Scott sets his stall out to the others. The bit he’s failed to mention when putting himself forward is that his background is clinical and he wants to have a wearable device that monitors diets. Daniel looks like he’s trying to eat his fist. Sanjay makes a face which portrays “Oh my god, I’ve made a terrible mistake” so perfectly that it can only be described as “Sandalwood”. Scott goes on to say that he would like to make something that could be worn all day and all night until the person goes to bed. I don’t think that’s how days and nights work, Scott, but nice try. Daniel shoots this one down by saying that he likes it, but it’s not exactly mass market, or possible until 10 years into the future. Scott interviews that he’s the kind of leader that points the finger when things go wrong. Oh the Sugarlord LOVES that. Why can’t anyone ON this show, WATCH this show? We then see him pointing fingers at everyone for coming up with ideas that are REAL and ACTUALLY POSSIBLE rather than his idea of a machine that tells you what you are eating like we’re in some fucked up episode of Futurama without any comic relief.  He then says healthcare and pharmaceutical again, then basically takes his ball back and tells them that if they can’t follow his orders, they have to come up with something themselves. This bodes so well.

Over with the female section of the programme, they’re still trying to come up with a slightly less shit team name. Tenacity and Pursuit come up, which is nearly Trivial Pursuit. They come up with Tenacity, which I have deliberately misheard as Tenacious D. [And also features the word TEN so I feel Nurun has been vindicated - Rad] Katie makes double sure that they all know what it means. Jemma assures her that it’s a good word. How in the hell can you go on this show and not know what Tenacious means? Katie then helpfully points out what kind of task it is and they all look at each other to see who is going to be project manager. Bianca looks like she’s waiting to be asked. She’s asked if her business idea is about fashion. Apparently, it’s about tights but she works as a stylist. ACTUALLY, she says, she manages a team of stylists and does “personal Branding” which sounds like a made up job if ever I heard one.  [It probably means she has a Facebook profile.  God I love Apprentice jobs - Rad] The finger is next pointed at Nurun, who is also apparently in fashion. “Asian Boutiques” apparently, which are totally different to this task, but aren’t actually a made up thing so Bianca sees this as her out saying that she’s more into knowing what’s trendy. Nurun insists that she’s more retail but Katie insists that her job is about “looking at things” which could be the job description for lots of things. Ella also sees this as a way out of any sort of PM duties and insists that Nurun is the one who can lead Tenacious D to victory via the medium of looking at things. Nurun cedes and says she’ll do it if everyone thinks she can. She then interviews that she isn’t happy about his whilst Lindsay, who manages to have 80s eyeshadow and 90s hair, gives her a look that’s 100% playground bully daring her to refuse to flush her own head down the toilet. Nurun thinks others would be better.

Meanwhile, the boys are still devoid of ideas. Scott’s plan as a project manager is to shout at everyone that they’re all talking at once. Solomon’s idea is light up leggings. Honestly. Sanjay wants a tshirt that has a screen on it that you can send a photo to. Well done boys, you’ve invented the Tellytubbies. Solomon gives him an actual eyeroll, and Scott agrees.

Tenacious D have decided that women wear jackets and jackets... wait for it... could warm things up. HOW ARE WE NOT FUNDING THIS? Lindsay thinks this jacket that warms things could also CHANGE COLOUR. Bianca thinks it could do both. Wow. Britain’s brightest business brains.

Market Research time! In the boys’ car, Not that Mark Wright is leading the bitching about Scott. Sanjay would like more ideas to put on the table but they don’t have any because Scott’s a whiny git. The girls subteam, led by Bianca, are doing market research on New Bond St. Tenacious D interview a woman in a bright yellow jacket about whether she would like to wear a bright yellow jacket. She says yes. Go figure. The other half of the girls are pitching to professionals. Katie is leading the pitch, they love the heated jacket idea but don’t want the lapels. Ella suggests solar panels so your jacket can charge your phone. Katie phones up the sub team and tells them that for the love of god, the people who know what they are talking about think that light-up lapels are a terrible idea. Bianca combats this by saying that they spoke to one woman in a yellow jacket who thought that a light up lapel would be excellent, and clearly the opinion of that one woman is more important than a room full of people WHO KNOW WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT.  Nurun cedes, and says that it should be light up, but subtle. Lauren interviews that Nurun is trying too hard to please everyone and needs to lead.

Over with the boys, they’re in London’s Trendy Hoxton (which isn’t Shoreditch) trying to pitch the Tellytubby costume to a focus group. The group look at them like he’s some kind of competition winner and tell them that they’ve invented a novelty, rather than a fashion item. The other half of the team are looking at fabric. Apparently Robert is an aspiring fashion retailer. Oh, the ticks in the No column aren’t half stacking up for him tonight. The sub team call Scott and feed back to him. Apparently, this Resonates with Robert and he’s given the phone by Scott because he’s the one that knows what he’s talking about. Not That Mark Wright interviews that Scott is a rubbish leader and can’t make any decisions, but Robert is no better because he should be the one Project Managing but is a great big shirker. My lovely Daniel then takes control and says that they’re definitely going for the Tellytubby idea and he’s had enough of their bullshit. He even tells the other boys not to stoop to the level of the rest of the team.  *SIGH*. SHARDPORN.

Half of Tenacious D are with the designers. Pamela seems to be taking control of the situation. Probably because she had a Fashion Wheel when she was a kid, or for some other tenuous reason. Nurun looks confused and tells them to add the technology. The designer begs them to reconsider their disaster of a jacket. Lauren goes back to the “market research” supporting the lights and insist that they are a feature. Katie pushes on all the functions. Nurun tries to make a decision whilst everyone shouts at her. Ella thinks she has no control over the stronger characters as this is beautifully illustrated by her having a near nervo over the whole thing. Katie takes control as she’s wearing a fashionable watch and insists on the LED lapels as Nurun waves her hands.

Half of the boys are now with the designer. It’s the half that doesn’t contain the Project Manager. They tell the designer that they would quite like to make a Tellytubby, please. Sadly, some would say obviously, it’s been done. NotThat Mark Wright suggests jumper with LED’s on it. Robert, who is not the project manager, takes charge and says that they can’t just have a light up jumper, it’s got to stand out. The sub team make faces at this whilst Scott blathers on about coming to him with solutions and not problems and they’ve got to make it work. There’s a Mexican wave of facepalms and headdesks as they realise that they have called what they thought was the organ grinder but have the monkey. I would say that the whole idea being already taken was a problem that the PM would have to deal with but what do I know about BZNZ. Scott’s half of the team collectively kiss their teeth whilst the other half ask for some time to come up with something else regroup to look at their contingency.

Over with Tenacious D, Katie is still taking control of the design and interviews to that effect, because funnily enough, when you bully someone into being PM when they don’t really know what they’re doing, they might not know what they’re doing.  The girls are wondering where the best place for solar panels on a jacket might be. Prime time TV, everyone. Ella wants them on the shoulder, but Bianca tells her that you can’t have stiff arms on a jacket and that she should stop trying to make stiff arms happen. Ella then comes up with shoulders. Nurun phones the subteam to tell them to put the solar panels on the shoulders under the fabric, but Katie reminds her that solar panels undercover a about as useful as, well, solar panels undercover. Lindsay is equally disgusted and nearly takes off her blue mascara facepalming.

Robert is leading the team, much like a PM, when we go back to the boys. Robert is talking about where he sees the logo on their sweatshirt. Yes. The best business brains in Britain have decided that a sweatshirt is the way forward. The other half of the team aren’t faring so well. They still can’t decide what their contingency is, and James has taken to just shouting about it randomly as my future husband Daniel holds his head and Sanjay does some more shouting. Nick Hewer interviews that there should be a sub team manager and by heck, he’s right. He feels that this chaos is in his top ten chaoses of all time and he’s not wrong. Sanjay takes decisive action and says that they’ve got to come up with something soon. James decides that a sweatshirt with a camera in it is a good idea, to take videos of your days out at theme parks. I think that it would be more for POV pr0n and stalking but the team take the “shit idea is better than none” approach and jump on it. [How would you even wash this jumper?  So much fail I can't even... - Rad] Sanjay comes up with an “On Air” brand which will come on when you’re recording, so that you can’t stalk in private. James then interviews that they’ve done all the bladdy work. Not that Mark Wright backs this up, IN FRONT OF THE DESIGNER and leads the boys in a bitching session about how Scott should’ve been involved. James thinks he’s done his best. We’ll see.

Everything done, the prototypes get made overnight. At 9am, everyone is sat round waiting for their products to arrive. The boy’s stalky shirt is called an EmotiShirt. Robert says he quite likes it in a tone that suggests he’s surprised. Fillipe is worried that it looks a bit like a Christmas jumper. He’s not wrong.  Nick interviews his shock that they’ve actually managed to get something sellable out of all the chaos.

Tenacious D’s jacket is too complicated to be made in time so Nurun decides to deal with this by yet again introducing her face to her palm and not really doing anything about it. Lauren bitchterviews that it was trying to be all things to ALL OF THEIR MOANING FACES so it’s obvious that it wasn’t going to be ready. That’s some seriously good business insight there. You saw a disaster happening and did nothing about it. They’ve still got to pitch though, and it’s probably going to be a disaster.

Over with the boys, everyone on the subteam is telling Scott why he’s rubbish and all Scott can do is bat it back to them, saying that they obviously are a bunch of bedwetters if they need to run every decision by their manager. I think what they’re more trying to say is that they didn’t want to do all the work whilst their so called PM was choosing sweatshirt fabric. James tries to explain to him that all they wanted was to know that they are ok to make decisions about the project without the project manager. Sanjay then has a go at Robert for shirking the responsibility of being PM then backseat driving the entire way. Robert squirms in his seat whilst Scott tries to talk his way out of it. Lovely Daniel just wants everyone to get a grip and get on with it.

Tenacious D’s jacket arrives and they have called it, wait for it, Little Smart Jacket. The solar panels aren’t covered. So they can see the sun. Bianca hates this and demands to know why nobody told her solar panels have to be exposed to the sun. I can’t even. All this whilst everyone else is cooing at the shape of the jacket. Like that is even a thing that matters. Ella Jade realises that they’re screwed and weakly suggests that they should just shut up and work with what they have. Yes, I would like to get on with this please. Nurun interviews that Katie and Ella were all very happy to have taken control and got all bossy yesterday but now they don’t like the product, they’re blaming her. CAN WE PLEASE HAVE PEOPLE ON THIS PROGRAMME THAT HAVE SEEN THIS PROGRAMME. The pointless arguing continues. Jemma takes control and tries to insist that the solar panels gaffer taped to the shoulder of the jacket are stripes and that’s their story and their sticking to it.

In the boy’s car, “social media specialist” Solomon is looking at Windows Media player and shouting out numbers about the videos. Daniel basically calls him a twat. He’s not wrong. First pitch is JD Sports, led by Scott and Sanjay. Sanjay insists that a jumper with a camera isn’t creepy whilst Steven shows the increasingly baffled team the video. The video is sideways. JD Sports ask if the video can be rotated. Scott pretends to know that it can whilst Steven actually turns round the laptop. [Steven <3 -="" .="" beginning="" do="" have="" i="" lso="" man="" many="" names="" nbsp="" of="" rad="" s="" so="" the="" why="" with="">Scott asks him if he’s happy with the presentation through gritted teeth. He is. Great.

Next up, Tenacious D are in Shoreditch talking to Firebox, which sounds like a Popbitch nickname. Ella is pitching. She says the jacket solves three problems, one of which is already solved by the concept of jackets. The jacket is warming up! Sarah invites everyone to touch her. They don’t want to touch her. They go on to the second and third functions, which are the phone charger and the lights, which are apparently for attracting potential lovers. Firebox rightly ask why they didn’t just concentrate on phone charging. Lauren handles this like a pro and says that just because the jacket does everything, doesn’t mean everyone has to use all the functions. Karren thinks it’s a novelty item. She says that if they like it they’ll buy it, and if they don’t, the team may have a problem. Thanks for that input, Karen. Helpful.

Finally! We get to see Roisin! She’s only modelling a jacket but yay! She’s here. She’s wearing the jacket to JD Sports whilst Bianca knocks over the flipchart. The boys subteam, with Daniel are doing excellently. He’s leading them all in a delightful little pep talk Robert looks so smug that I want to hit him. Daniel then interviews that he’s a successful market trader, but then breaks my heart by calling himself a selling machine and killing all my lovely thoughts about him. Why do that to me, Daniel? Eh? Daniel thinks the jumper could be a brand. The people they are pitching to think it’s a Christmas jumper and girls won’t want to wear it if it means people staring at their boobs all day long. All Daniel can do is agree and call it a novelty item. The man they are pitching  to wonders about the legal implications of wearing a jumper with a camera on it to, say, a nightclub. Daniel explains this by saying that it’s not really for wearing in public.

*awkward silence*

So! James and Solomon would totally wear it on a night out! Yeah they would! Daniel then says that he would wear it during the day and James is so crazy, he can’t even think about the day time. Oh dear oh dear oh dear. Not that Mark Wright can’t quite believe that Daniel said he wouldn’t wear their product in public. Daniel disagrees and said that he only said that he wouldn’t wear it on a night out.  I can sort of see his point, because who even wears a jumper to a nightclub anyway? Solomon tells him nobody is having a go at him. Daniel doesn’t see it like that and gets a bit fighty and I love him again. I’m so fickle. James just thinks he needs telling.

Last stop for both teams is John Lewis. Scott is selecting his best boys and wants to know how the subteam went. Daniel tells Scott that it went well. Not that Mark Wright disagrees and calls his error of saying that he wouldn’t wear the jumper in a public place “fundamental”. He’s got a point. Daniel disagrees and tries to squirm out by saying that he said he wouldn’t wear it in a public place AT NIGHT. Scott looks like he wants to lamp him.  The girls aren’t faring much better. Nurun is giving the type of pitch that would indicate that not only has she never given a pitch before, she’s never used words or her mouth to say them. Karren isn’t impressed. Scott wants to know that apart from Scott saying that he wouldn’t wear his own product in public, how did he do. Mark Wright calls it poor. Nurun fumbles her way to the end to be asked if the battery is charged solely by the solar panels. Lauren answers for her. They’re not impressed. Back with the boys and Scott is picking his dream team of Mark, Solomon, Robert and Daniel. Scott is going to finish up. James isn’t impressed that the only weak link is on the A Team. Daniel is trying to say that the red light on the jumper is going to be an icon. Robert wants to make privacy history. John Lewis respond by saying that privacy certainly isn’t history for their customers and suggest that the jumper may actually be a danger to small children. Robert still insits that jumpers with cameras are going to happen and that it’s a matter of who is first. Scott thinks they smashed it. They didn’t.

Tonight! Orders will be counted and the truth laid bare. BOARDROOM!

In the boardroom, the tech is out for everyone to avoid looking at. Christ, it’s shit. Lord SirSugar arrives and asks Tenacious D about their new name. Jemma says it was her idea because it’s all about what they are like.  He then goes on to ask Nurun why she’s project manager. She said she was bullied into it and she doesn’t even know what she’s doing there anyway. LordSir isn’t impressed that she’s mainly into selling scarves and that his paper round didn’t make him Rupert Murdoch. THIS IS THE POINT THAT SHE IS MAKING. He then asks Bianca why she didn’t go for it. She said that her skills aren’t in styling even though that’s her job. She then says that it’s more Nurun’s job and she then says Asian Boutiques a few more times. Bianca then tries to make her look like a tit by saying that it’s still a shop that sells clothes. Nurun says that she may have been able to do better if it was about turbans or burkas. [OMG can you IMAGINE if tmaking those was a challenge on this show? - Rad] Lordsir isn’t impressed and asks Bianca if she is or isn’t wanting to do tights for a business which is fashion as far as he’s’ concerned. Bianca then says that the basis of the task was technology and it’s unfair of him to expect her to PM. She says this without irony. Lordsir can’t be doing with the bullshit and tells her that scarves aren’t technology either and that Bianca stitched her up. He wants to move on though, and asks Nurun to talk her through the jacket. She shows him the solar panels and he thinks it’s all a bit 80s and Dallas. Bianca says that this wasn’t’ her idea and that she wanted the solar panels covered. FAIL BIANCA! Any fule no that solar panels have to be exposed to work. They then move on to the phone charger and the lights which LordSir can’t see the point in.

He wants to know who briefed the designers for the monstrosity. Nurun rightly fingers Katie. She then sees that her jacket is shit and blames Nurun for lack of structure whilst Nurun chews the inside of her cheek. She jumps on Katie and Ella for taking over and says that if she wanted to be the boss of her she should’ve taken on the PM job. Lauren is the only voice of reason and says that Nurun failed when she tried to please everyone and everything has ended up too complicated. Lordsir wonders how they got on in the pitches. They think it went well. We’ll see.

Over at the boys, daddy isn’t impressed that Scott was PM when he asked Robert and asks him to explain himself. Robert says that he didn’t PM because the ShitStalkyJumper was clearly a high street product and that isn’t Robert’s area. Daddy then gets out his REZOOMAY which says he will lead tasks about branding, advertising and design and if that isn’t this task he doesn’t bladdy know what is. Robert says that  if it was a £5000 product and they were pitching it to a posh shop it totally would be his thing. YET AGAIN. WATCH THE SHOW BEFORE YOU GO ON IT YOU BUNCH OF IDIOTS. Mark Wright says that they tried to get Robert to do it. Robert says they didn’t and it was all about Scott. LordSir thinks he bottled it. He then moves on to Scott and says that he put himself forward despite being in biochemistry. Scott said he did it because nobody else did. He then points the finger at Solomon, wondering why he, as someone with a technology business plan, didn’t go for it. He says it’s because he does social media from his bedroom in his mum’s house  purely online. Doesn’t matter though, because he’s disappointed in everyone. They talk through the POV Pr0n jumper. Scott invites Solomon to give the technical details, which amount to him using words like “SD card” and “battery pack” then explains that the lights light up. Lordsir just says “it’s a jumper with a camera in it” and yep. It is. The only thing it does is redefines “I saw you coming”. It’s hard to argue.

To the results! Karren feeds back that John Lewis liked the girls’ pitch, which is weird because it’s the one that Nurun did. However, they thought the jacket was beyond help so no orders. The boys’ product had “no place in their store”. Over to JD Sports, the girls didn’t give them a sports product so no orders. The boy’s product also has no place in JD Sports. Finally, Firebox hate the girls’ lights but want to get their name on telly so they’re ordering 250. No orders for the boys. The girls have it!

LordSir declares the girls the winners but he isn’t convinced. Karren says it’s just as well they won because Sarah and Lindsey didn’t do anything. She’d like to see more of the tenacious in Tenacious D.  They’re off to Surrey Docks to do some flying above water.

He’s very upset with the boys though, particularly as there were people who could’ve done better. He also doesn’t want everyone scapegoating Robert for the sake of it so he’s going to make it easy. He doesn’t like bottlers so Robert is CRASH!FIRED! Oh dear. I could get used to this. He thanks daddy for his punishment then leaves. May your socks-less frame never darken the doorstep again. There’s going to be at least one more firing, because he has no time for deadwood. In the taxi, Robert and his mustard scarf insist that fashion is a spectrum and that a canoe isn’t a yacht, or some bollocks. I don’t care. NEXT.

Cut to the girls putting on wetsuits and Nurun making digs about teamwork. She doesn’t care that it’s a hollow victory, it’s still totally a victory, thanks. Katie interviews that she’s not shying away from Project Management any more. Oh good. Over at the Loser’s Cafe, it’s all a bit tense. Mark Wright is still the voice of reason in that the product was just a jumper with a camera in it and it’s all Scott’s fault for losing control of the task at the start. They had no sales and no direction. Scott then says he’s deciding who goes into the boardroom so he wants to know what went wrong. He somewhat aggressively interviews that he’s put his balls on the line being PM and he’s going to fight until the cows come home. He can’t decide whether it’s Solomon or Robert’s fault, the latter all being a bit moo. Like a cow coming home’s opinion.

Back in the boardroom, LordSir declares the boys' product totally rubbish. He wants to know what happened. Scott says that he wanted to go in a health direction but nobody listened to him. LordSir says that’s no excuse and that his report from Nick is that he basically rolled over and abdicated responsibility at the first sign of trouble. Scott says that he totally didn’t hide away and he did it because nobody else does. Mark Wright rightly tells him that that is utter codswallop and that he banged on and on that he’d been to a conference and everything. Next, the finger goes to Solomon who says that his expertise are online and that Scott wanted to do it anyway. Lordsir is sick of bottlers and Solomon starts talking about light up running leggings out of nowhere. Nick then rightly says that it is a better idea but he didn’t stick up for it and drive it through. So who’s fault? James reckons Daniel’s shit pitch then his REZOOMAY is quoted back at him with all his salesman bollocks. He admits to making a mistake. LordSir wonders what that is. James then gets a bit hissy and says that a 26 year old man, pitching to his age range saying that he wouldn’t wear the product in public. Hold the phone, Daniel is 26? That’s one hella tough paper round. All he can do is admit his mistake and turn it around by saying that he meant not in a nightclub. James then goes on to say he agreed with all the issues. LordSir has a pop quiz for the pub quiz business man about the point of a pitch. It’s all about selling! Daniel thinks that it wasn’t the pitches fault, it was the shit product. James says that he came up with the product with no tech background. Mark Wright then said that the original idea of a Tellytubby was unfeasible and they were left with 15 minutes to come up with something. Scott is asked who he’s bringing back. He thinks that his ideas that were within his industry were ignored and Lord Sugar wants to know names. Karren tells him to stop covering his arse and name names. It’s Daniel and Solomon. The rest need to take a long, hard look at themselves. Agreed.

Team Lordalan chat. They don’t understand Scott and think he’s just a buck passer. Sounds like a good understanding to me. Solomon is the most technically advanced but wasn’t able to push his idea through. Daniel should’ve been able to sell but Karren is worried that the more sophisticated pitch isn’t his bag. Lord Sugar will see them now.

Why did Scott bring Daniel in? Well, because he didn’t sell any and was negative about the product. He said he was merely answering concerns about covert nightclub filming. LordSir is worried that he might not have any experience selling to trade as a market trader. Daniel doesn’t see this as the way out it’s intended to be and says that he does have experience and he sells his services to corporate companies. He still doesn’t get it. He says he can totally do it and he didn’t make  a concern. Scott is up next, and he’s in trouble for going off with the fashion team and coming up with something that needs something to cover your face to accompany it. Daniel says that the tech team did all of that anyway. Nick goes further and says that all the fashion team did was make a grey sweatshirt. He’s not wrong. Everyone but Scott is in agreement that he should’ve been with the tech team. He blames Solomon for this who says that not all technology is the same and there’s a world of difference between doing twitter for your mate’s burger van and designing terrible, terrible jumper. Scott still isn’t biting though, and says that he was actively trying not to hide by taking on the PM job and that should be taken into account. He then goes into full “well, if I’m going down...” mode and has another go at Daniel for not wearing the restraining order jumper in public and for Solomon being an expert in the wrong kind of technology. Scott’s got more to prove but Daniel thinks he’s rubbish anyway.

LordSir then sums up by saying that Scott was a bit of an idiot to take on the PM role and he should not have gone into a terrible huff when his idea was rejected and then hidden from everything. It could also be about lack of sales from Daniel or from Solomon not getting his ideas across and he needs to man up. Daniel’s got to get better at selling but Scott didn’t lead the team in the first place because he was too busy having a tantrum. It’s for this reason that he’s fired. BYE THEN.

The other two are dismissed. LordSir thinks he had to go and that the boys need to pull their socks up in general. Scott has a lovely scarf and taxiterviews that he takes the accusation of hiding very seriously, in a manner that suggests that he’s waiting behind AMS1 with a shard of a Gingie Bottle (I can say that, I’m Scottish.) Back at the house, everyone is very shocked to hear that Robert got his marching orders without warning. James thinks that Daniel will be fired for messing the pitch up and looks shocked when he returns. Daniel even asks him. He can’t reply with actual words.

NEXT WEEK! Home fragrance. You’ve got me again for that so I’ll see you then. 

Twenty Prenti Vision

Episode One

13 October 20147

Welcome back!  This is the tenth anniversary series of the Apprentice, and iPlayer called tonight’s episode ‘Ten Years of Selling’.  I therefore look forward to future episode titles such as ‘Ten years of the cringiest adverts known to humanity’ and ‘Four Years of Smelling Woss Selling because Lord Sugar is too belligerent to realise everyone hates it’.  On that subject, did anyone see the programme about the best bits of the past ten years?  It mainly made me nostalgic for the days of plain old Sralan, but there was also a section that reminded us how brilliant the shopping channel task is, which makes me hope it might finally return this year.

Before we get to that though, the return of London Porn!  The annual parade of twats with suitcases, none of whom will get name captions if the past few series are anything to go by!  Businesscliche bingo time!  Walk the walk and talk the talk?  Check.  Slightly rapey comments about being an Alpha male who can make women do what he wants?  Check.  Smashing the competition?  Check.  Beards that don’t match hair colour?  Check.  Sralan’s looking for someone who can bring in the big bucks; Red Rum, not a donkey.  And then there’s the usual parade of spoilers for upcoming episodes that I have to look away from.

The candidates are waiting in the boardroom, giving it all Blue Steel stares.  One of them is wearing a blue suit, with cream moccasins and no socks.  He smugly laughs, as he knows how much of a twatbasket he is, but also that he is likely to make “good telly”.  Lord Sugar welcomes the sixteen candidates in, and then he says he’s going to do things differently and the disembodied hand of NotFrances sends in four more candidates.  This doesn’t quite have the same response as when they chuck in new housemates in Big Brother, seeing as none of them know the others anyway.  However, TWENTY APPRENTI?  That is a lot of names to learn.  Lord Sugar clarifies that this not because the series is going to be longer, it’s mainly because he wants to put the wind up them and give himself the opportunity to fire more than one candidate a week for shits and giggles.  I have to say, the prospect of an EPIC TRIPLE FIRING is quite exciting. 

He clarifies the terms of their business partnerships: £250,000 investment, a 50/50 share of the business, he won’t do any work, the candidate will do all the grafting.  He has their CVs (not rez-hoo-mays?) that speaks highly of them.  He first picks on sassy Steven, a Canadian who looks like he would make an excellent drag queen.  Apparently he’s been some sort of social worker (the exchange is a bit muddied but from what I could tell, he and Lord Sugar interpret what his job is/was slightly differently) and has worked in the arctic.  Lord Sugar’s joke about him counselling penguins doesn’t tickle Steven’s funny bone, and the lack of toadying brings out Lord Sugar’s grump.  Steven’s business plan is some sort of care home for adults with learning disabilities and I imagine Labour peer Lord Sugar might feel somewhat icky about making a profit out of such a scheme, but I imagine even more that our Helen might have feelings about this whole endeavour.

James, whose accent suggests he’s not far from my part of the world (Chesterfield according to the website) is marked out as a ‘cheeky chappie’ whilst Colombian lawyer Felipe doesn’t look at all how you might imagine a ‘Colombian lawyer Felipe’ to look.  Also, I looked at their bios and either they are all giving their showbiz ages like a bunch of Paloma Faiths and Florence Welches, or BIZNESS really is a cruel, cruel world that ages you prematurely.  Felipe used to advise Arsenal FC and Lord Sugar gives him a bit of side-eye that goes slightly beyond London football club banter.  Scott’s CV bullshit has him describing himself as a cross between Gandhi and the Wolf of Wall Street which receives the WTF response you might expect.

Over with the women, Ella Jade has a business idea about making documentaries ‘to benefit the greater good’.  LOL Ella Jade I watched like 200 documentaries when I did my PhD and about 95% are there for reasons of ‘sensationalism’ or ‘entertainment’, which I suppose is kind of supporting the greater good in that you give people something to laugh at, but in a much less open manner than this show.  She has about 100 animals, but 80 of them are sheep, which I presume means she has some kind of farm or smallholding and so that number is less like a Channel 4 intervention show and more like a fairly normal lifestyle?  Sarah’s CV tells us she can sell snow to the Eskimos and she corrects Lord Sugar’s poor comprehension skills: ‘Ice actually’. 

The other people do not get to have a name nor a business plan.  Lord Sugar says he’s seen the ‘headlines’ of their business plans and not the detail – presumably to counter all the carping on the Twitters come interview week when the rotties pick apart plans he should have scrutinised already.  He announces the first task – they’re going to sell all the things previous Apprenti have sold in the first week selling task.  Aww, I’m feeling nostalgic already for Jo Cameron running round like a loon, that time all the women randomly tried to snog people and… all the other times. 

PMs are decided in the boardroom – the men suggest to get the salespeople selling and put a manager in the PM role.  Several of them say they’re good at selling and Felipe offers to PM.  Over with the women, they ask who the person was that ‘Sralan’ said could sell Ice to the Eskimos.  Sarah (who looks like what would happen if you put Katie Hopkins and Leah Totton in a blender and then watered down the result so much you had a homeopathy level of the original essence) says it was her and she’s happy to PM.  They’re sent off with a couple of days to complete the selling.

In the taxis, a few of the candidates introduce themselves to each other, and to us.  Still no name captions yet.  Robert (he of the ginger beard and not-ginger hair) ‘couldn’t give a shit’ that people look at him because he’s 6’7” and wears stupid coloured clothes.  He’s a ‘global sports nutrition’ marketing manager.  Nurun is also a marketing manager, with three small businesses.  We don’t yet learn what the others do nor most of their names.

Sarah (a former PA and hypnotherapist - which reads as the description of a horror movie psycho-bitch character) says she has a good feeling they will win, because most people prefer to buy from females because they’re nicer to look at.  She then wants all the women to dress provocatively and use sex to gain sales, much to the disgust of her team-mates.  Well, if you’re going to have a retro-themed task, you might as well relive some old strategies.  I look forward immensely to the returns of previous winning tactics such as voluminous hair, knees up Muvva Brown and SANDALWOOD. 

The candidates walk around Apprentice Mansions and Robert is disgusted at the lack of shower curtain.

Time for everyone’s favourite part now, the team naming!  In the men’s team, Robert suggests Dynamic; some Aussie or Kiwi nobody whom we haven’t met (I think this is Mark Wright but not that one) thinks Viper is a good team name (LOLZ); Daniel suggests Summit, because they’ve risen to the top.  Someone else (Sanjay maybe?  IDK this show isn’t helping me out any) points out it sounds like sommat, so they’re basically just calling themselves ‘something’ which is about as honest as team names on this show go. Daniel snarks that nobody’s ever called a business that before.  Except these people.  And these ones.  And these ones.  Sanjay-or-whoever says there’s a reason for that, but they settle on the name anyway.  Daniel (who runs pub quizzes, or summit) says that he’s been listened to and that’s how it’ll stay, and there’s no I in team, but there are five in individual brilliance.  Oh apprenti bullshit, how I have I missed thee.

Nurun suggests, as it’s the tenth year, a decade, they go for Decadence.  (Other options you could have chosen: TENtative; Design of a Decade; TENa Lady; Wining Women).  The others seem to like it but then they wonder what it means.  Ella Jade says it might be a bit OTT.  Chippy Mackem Katie suggest Grafters (LOL like that would ever be a team name on this show), but Sarah prefers Decadence and that’s what they go with.

Early morning and Felipe receives a call from NotFrances saying the cars will be with them in twenty minutes for them to meet Lord Sugar at Leadenhall Market.

Parade of flesh time: Mostly fairly coy, except for Sarah (towel) and James (bare-chest).  Sarah tries to vet the other women’s outfits.  Someone (Pamela?) manages to find time to use curling tongs even with a twenty minute deadline, which is either a) some organisation b) some misleading editing or c) some ace hair magic skillz.  She tells Sarah they need to think more about a strategy.  Sarah tells her to bring some nice make-up anyway.  Pamela (?) isn’t sure if she’s serious or not.  The products the Apprenti get to sell include flowers, floating fish, T-shirts, coffee, fruit and veg, cleaning equipment and sausages.

Steven tells the men to get as much value out of each product as possible and one man suggests they get the T-shirts printed.

In a Pizza Express nearby (other chains are available), Sarah suggests they cut up the lemons to try and get more sales out of them.  None of the other women can see the logic in slicing them not want to.  Bianca suggests printing the T-shirts and Sarah keeps trying to get them to chop the lemons, which no-one is buying.

The men say that hot dogs will get them a high profit and Rob suggests gourmet hot dogs to sell to Shoreditch hipster twats (sorry the ‘East London cool guy’) like himself.  They split into two sub-teams and Steve snipes that he’s been given the wrong task to do.  Chiles (Chiles!) is nominated as sub-team PM. 

The women bicker about their strategy and they confuse Sarah OMG so she decides to divide them down the middle of the table because she can’t tell who are the best sellers.  The women are all ‘we can tell you’ but then, you trust what an Apprentice candidate tells you about as much as you trust Nick Clegg to keep his promises (/biting political satire) so splitting down the middle is probably as good a strategy as any.  Bianca’s job title, by the way, is the delicious sounding ‘owner, personal branding company’.  I mean that could just mean she has a Facebook page, couldn’t it?  Apprentice jobs <3>

Cue fun montages of people running around with wheelbarrows and huge Perspex boxes and lots of lovely London porn!  The men go to an organic supermarket to buy things to make their sausages special (including, er, Edam).  Now, I don’t think the gourmet hot dog idea was a bad one, per se, but they should really just have bought their ingredients as cheaply as possible rather than going for niche products.  And in the revivalist spirit of this task, I just wish they’d gone to Makro.

The girls, with a sub-team led by Roisin, go to a T-shirt designer and get a T-shirt design with #London on it, claiming they’d buy it. #nope.  The other sub-team, led by Sarah, are selling coffee (for £3!) and flowers, and Sarah commits the cardinal sin of calling espresso ‘expresso’.  Her teamask if she’s going to be making coffee herself and she says no, she’s the manager, so she’ll talk to the customers thanks all the same.  The other team ring from the printers and say Sarah’s sub-team have run off with all the seed money.  Sarah takes responsibility, but instead of travelling over to hand the cash over (or, you know, using some sort of bank transfer process or paying for the T-shirts with a card like this is the twenty-first century or whatever), the T-shirt sub team come back.

Over with the men, and they’re taking so long buying ingredients that, Karren snarks, they’re not only going to miss the lunch trade, they’re missing the dinner trade.  Well yes, Karren, what with lunch and dinner being the same meal and all (/silently judging anyone who calls tea ‘dinner’).  The  Sugar’s profits you’re wasting!  They go to the printers and there’s a comedy montage of silence as none of them can think of anything to get printed.

The women run around selling potatoes to cafes and chippies.  Back to the men and they’re still struggling to come up with t-shirt ideas.  Eventually they come up with a slogan even worse than #London: ‘Buy this T-shirt’.  Steven suggests they go to a mashed potato shop and sell the spuds, but Chiles says they should sell the balloons instead.  I’m not sure, given why there are five of them, they couldn’t do both, but such is the way of the apprenti.  The other male sub-team are trying to sell hot dogs.  Daniel’s strategy is to shout at people aggressively whilst dressed as a hot dog.  He sells four ‘Mexicans’ which appear to have ‘houmous guacamole’ on them and little else.  I love houmous.  I love guacamole.  I never want to try them mashed together.  Or on a hot dog.  BLEE.

Chiles’ subteam negotiate a deal for their fish balloons after some very awkward fumbling whereby James attempts to charge too little and the others talk over him because he’s Northern and doesn’t understand London with its funny overpriced ways.  Back at the coffee cart, the women are still bickering and Sarah is still being all ‘I am your boss’ (Rory/Tre hatemance neva4get).  At this rate I can see the women unionising and forming an allegiance against fatcat managers. 

Back with the men, Karren bitches that Scott has done NOTHING.  But he’s done so little that we’ve barely seen him, so he isn’t going to get fired.

In the cabs, the women want to sell a ‘high-ticket’ item, like there were any of those and the men debate whether to go for T-shirts or cleaning materials.  Chiles’ subteam worry they won’t have time to get the T-shirts, but Felipe asks them to get them.  Chiles says they won’t and he and Steve have a fight about it where Chiles actually gives Steve the ‘talk to the hand’ gesture and the other men tell Steve not to throw Chiles under the bus.

Sarah’s subteam are at the zoo where they are trying to flog what the editors make us believe are a couple of buckets and a few mops and sponges for £250.  The zoo people ask where they got that price point from.  Sarah says it’s a bargain and she’s knocked it down from £300.  The zoo people ask if the products are environmentally friendly.  Sarah says she thinks so, but they are plastic so she wouldn’t want to see them near the penguins. Shame-faced, they slope off.  The other women, having done nothing but hope Sarah is hoist by her own petard, whine that it was a bit silly to charge so much.  I weep for the days of KGrimes making children cry at the zoo in order to peddle overpriced shit.

At Covent Garden market, the men try to flog flowers to a bunch of women giving them withering looks, whilst Chiles’ sub-team clean some windows in order to flog the cleaning equipment.

Roisin’s team go back to the printers and ask the printer to consider buying them.  He says ‘no, I’ll have them for years.’  He eventually agrees to buy them for £50 because they’ll ‘never sell them anywhere else’.  They unconvincingly try to claim they’d have sold them for a tenner each but don’t seem too keen to take them away themselves, presumably meaning neither team actually had enough time to print and flog T-shirts, which is interesting in the light of what… happens. Ella Jade convinces him to buy the hangers for an extra £10.  Last minute fruit and veg selling sees James call Maris Pipers Paris Mipers and try to sell their 100 kilos for £150, which he’s told is way over the odds from the chef who wants to pay £20.  The women also pluck prices out of the air in trying to flog lemons and spuds.  Steve gets all romantic about a potato to try and sell them, but Mark seals the deal by offering to chuck in the wheelbarrow for £75.  The women also do a deal and squeal and then go outside and bitch about Sarah some more.  Trading over!

Chiles updates Felipe with their sale of potatoes and admits they didn’t have time to get the T-shirts.  They ask Felipe’s sub-team how they’ve done and the phone call cuts out leaving Chiles’ subteam to conclude the others haven’t sold much.

To the boardroom!  It looks like a gaggle of children entering assembly when there’s so many of them – albeit freakishly middle-aged-looking-despite-claiming-to-be-twenty-or-thirty-something children.  Lord Sugar asks the men if Felipe was a good team leader and they concur.  He says, in the third person, ‘Felipe’s team went off to sell hot-dogs’.  One of the men (Solomon, not that we know this), looks like Paul Torrisi from series 1, or is that just me?

Nick whines that Decadence is a rubbish team name as it implies excess and ‘moral turpitude’ which are hardly the qualities Lord Sugar wants in his next business partner.  Still better than First Forte though.  Lord Sugar tells them to pick a different name, with a logical meaning.  Sadly, Logic has already been used.  *Crosses fingers for the revival of Winning Women.  Especially come week 8 when the teams bear no resemblance to their original configuration*.  The women snipe about Sarah’s lack of strategy and the way she split them.  She then forgets people’s names and we learn that one of the invisible women is called Gemma.  I don’t blame you for not knowing, Sarah, it’s not like the editors can be bothered to tell us who these people are.  Lord Sugar moans that Roisin is an accountant but didn’t check that she had money, and then they paid £150 to the printer and sold T-shirts back to him for £50 (‘£60!’ Ella Jade butts in, like that helps).  The men face palm which is a fair response normally, but a bit rich considering their own failings.  The women say Sarah’s project management was non-existent.

Figures time!  Felipe’s sub-team earned £365.70; Chiles’ sub-team £340 for a total of £696.70.  Roisin’s sub-team earned £312 and Sarah’s sub-team £441.50 for a total of £753.50.  DECADENCE DANCE PARTY!  Lord Sugar says the T-shirts cost the men dearly in case Felipe was unsure who to bring back.  He tells the women the first treat on the show was a trip on the London Eye (and they got progressively worse from thereon in) but this time they get to go in a nice pod not one of the ones with the dirty general public.  DECADENCE.  They seem a bit squished up in their pod as they toast and Bianca clichés that ‘team work makes the dream work’.

The men get dispatched to Loser café – proper loser café this time, not one of those inferior ones they’ve had recently – Steve and I once went on a pilgrimage there AND IT WAS CLOSED.  Chiles doomterviews that he’s the most credible candidate and shouldn’t go home.  Steven thinks people are ganging up on him and he’ll fight his corner. 

Back at the boardroom and NotFrances sends them in, where we see that Lord Sugar’s chair has a very high back, Karren’s a medium one, and Nick’s a very low one.  Countdown presenters, know your place.  Felipe says Steven was disruptive which is why they lost.  Steven says everything he did was for the good of the team and he said they should have sold the T-shirts.  Lord Sugar says he wanted to hear that and there were two killer items: sausages and T-shirts.  Sausages, I can believe.  When I was in year ten (a decade before The Apprentice was ever dreamed up, sadly, never mind Apprentice Babies) we had to run mini-businesses as part of an enterprise thing and we ran a hot dog stall at break time which made an absolute bomb, way more than anything else people tried, which paid for a trip to Alton Towers in the end (#obesitycrisisimaginetheheadlinesthesedays).  Not sure the T-shirts were ever going to be the best of those products in terms of generating value, but let’s not rain on Lord Sugar’s parade, I guess.  Lord Sugar asks Felipe to clarify Steven was the problem, not the lack of sales or T-shirts.  Felipe says the men told him they were bickering.  Nick says Chiles might have a motivation for fingering Steven.  Steven says he’s a scapegoat.  Nick snipes at Chiles that it’s handy to have a scapegoat and narrows his eyes at him.  Miaow.  Lord Sugar tells Robert off for making hot dogs fancy because all they needed was a bun.  Karren says they didn’t need to dress them up and they would have sold more because they wouldn’t have lost an hour of selling time.  Karren calls out Scott for being the worst salesman except Felipe, but Felipe didn’t claim to be a salesman.  Scott says the footfall was short but he did contribute to sales. 

Daniel is told he sold the most and asked who was responsible for the failure and he says it has to be Steven and Steven’s all ‘hayl no’.  Lord Sugar says Steven’s an irritant but that’s not a reason to pin the blame on him, to which Steven responds ‘exactly’ which is never a good idea on this show, but I guess he’s Canadian, so maybe he doesn’t know the ways of the Sugarman yet.  He gets a shat ap and says the task failed because of the hot dogs and T-shirts and says they should have sold 30 T-shirts for £30 each.  £30 each?  Lord Sugar tells Felipe not to bring someone back in for the wrong reasons, and in the first recorded instance of a PM getting the hint in history, he doesn’t bring back Steven but chooses Robert and Chiles.

As the men go out, Lord Sugar worries that Felipe didn’t manage and spits that Robert is an ‘arty farty’ person, which we all know he loves (even though he persists in giving out art tasks).  Karren says Chiles didn’t contribute even £1 in sales. 

They return.  Felipe says Robert was enthusiastic about the hot dogs.  Robert says they went to Shoreditch which is an ‘edgy’ area.  I can’t believe there are still hipster douchebags who don’t actually know they’re hipster doucehbags and neither can Lord Sugar who dismisses the bladdy yuppy rubbish as well as we might expect.  The men then all shout over each other until Lord Sugar asks Felipe if he was a good enough manager.  Felipe says he was an excellent manager and Robert tries to shout over him again but gets shut down.  Chiles’ CV says he owns two businesses and has been a manager in various areas and has managed 200 people.  He’s asked why he couldn’t manage a team of four and he said the T-shirt decision was his choice.  Felipe says he wanted the T-shirts and that Chiles is responsible.  He says Robert shouldn’t have told him to buy the ingredients and then they all start shouting over each other again.

Lord Sugar is worried about Felipe’s managerial skills and says you could argue the failure lies with him for that reason, but the men also lost lots of time for Robert’s fancy shopping.  He says he allowed Chiles in the process because he’s been there and done that but his fundamental business errors were unforgiveable, but Felipe, it’s regretful… that a lawyer allowed this to happen.  So Felipe is fired?  Nope, that’s one big old fake-out, so what frustrates him is the hot dogs, but… fake out 2… what frustrates him more is the T-shirts still being at the printer’s.  So Chiles is fired.  To be replaced by O'Briain.  Badumtish.

Lord Sugar reminds the others that he can fire multiple people if he wants to and he thinks they should share the blame for hot dogs, Robert for having arty farty ideas and Felipe for agreeing with them.  Robert tries to plead but he gets shut down and they’re both given the benefit of the doubt and sent back to the house.  There’s no warmth shown between them and Chiles as they leave.

Chiles exits.  Coatwatch: grey, double breasted, looks warm, scarf to keep out the cold.  Chiles cabterviews that he’s gutted and he stands by his decisions.

Back at Apprentice Mansions, Steve says Lord Sugar was concerned about the T-shirts.  Most of the men think Chiles should come back.  James says Felipe should be fired and Daniel says Robert was a complete passenger on the task.  Robert comes back and they all have a freak out about whether it was just him.  Felipe comes back and they all scream in astonishment. 

Tomorrow!  Wearable technology!  Helen will be here to talk you through that sure-fire recipe for failure!