Welcome back to another year of London porn, 110%, the best salespeople in Europe (after Jennifer Maguire of course), epic fails and, if rumours are to be believed, the return of our favourite ever task, shopping channel week, later in the series. Steven, Fiona, Joel and I (and possibly Carrie occasionally) will be here to recap it all for you week by week in all its 'glory'.
Every now and then we get asked how to play the drinking game - there are no hard and fast rules, but essentially any business cliche, London porn, mention of 110%, appeal to be project manager, eyeball roll from Margaret, pursed lips from Nick and so on are the things to watch out for. This week I'll give you some handy DRINK hints, but forgive us if we don't bother doing that after this time - we'd clearly end up with a blog that was impossible to read (and you'd end up without a liver, so be careful kids).
Opening voiceover: The job interview from hell, Britain's brightest business prospects (ahem) yadda yadda yadda.
And into the obligatory 'I'm great, me' VTs we go:
'Making money is better than sex' (Ben) 'I am outstanding, it's a given. I'm intelligent, articulate, eloquent' (Anita) 'Making money's more important than being popular' (Phil) 'I'm a winner. I'm a winner every single month that I do what I'm paid to do' (and by that token so are the rest of us, yay, we win, everyone) (Debra), 'I was born to do great things' (Majid), errr... 'I'm a rough, tough cream puff from New York'. Bless you Kimberly, but I don't think you've got the hang of this thing yet.
They'll fight it out for a 'top' job with a six figure salary (I half expected that to have been 'credit-crunched' this series).
'People say it's the taking part that counts. Rubbish, it's the winning that counts' (DRINK!)(Noorul). The others clearly didn't give good enough VT.
Here's Sralan, who started out selling car aerials from the back of a van (DRINK!) and here are some snazzy close up shots of his face iterspersed with a few choice boardroom Sralan moments from later in the series, although none of them are as memorable as those from previous series. Someone didn't sell, apparently. He now heads up a 'vast' business empire rather than an umpteen-hundred-million pound one, so clearly its value is depreciating... helicopters, London porn (DRINK) and Sralan saying 'first prize is working for me, second prize is a lucrative media career for a year, a few days of public adulation, lots of 'you woz robbed' headlines and more money than the winner will get, plus the bonus of not having to have the life drained out of you at NotAmstrad for a year or more'. Or rather that's what he should be saying. He actually says 'second prize doesn't exist'.
The voiceover calls them 'YOUNG business prospects'. They may be young, but are they 24? That's young, you know. The voiceover is all over the 16 candidates thing, which bags the question of whether this was recorded pre-contestant 16 jumping ship (he was on You're Fired. He seemed a bit of a twat. Some very strange men I know thought he was attractive).
NotFrances calls them into the boardroom where Sralan delivers the news that one of the men has 'bottled it' and 'you can't even blame me cos I've never met him'. They laugh nervously as he lectures them about being able to put up with pressure. He wants to find out if they're good with words as he knows the words to 'Candle in the Wind' but it don't make him Elton John, which I don't entirely get, and neither do they judging by the two people giving a vague nervous laugh in response. He then gets a slight dig at Helene Speight in by saying 'don't tell me you're a Global strategist, cos you're talking a load of balls'. He tells them he's as hard to play as a Stradivarius (which, no. Make me PM Sralan! I'm a good Jewish boy like you Sralan! I worked hard from the ground up Sralan! I made sure I kept showing the product in the advert Sralan!) whilst they are as easy to play as bongo drums (as a percussionist I reserve the right to huff a bit here). He's looking for a diamond and reminds them that a diamond started out as a piece of coal but then came good. So is he actually looking for a piece of coal then? Grubby, a bit useless and needs to be crushed? Actually, that's possibly fair, going on several previous winners.
Close ups on people's scary boardroom-blue coloured eyes as we get our first look at the contestants. My PVR is currently paused on the face of someone who looks nothing like anyone in the publicity shots. I'm guessing it's Yasmin but if so, it must be her on a bad, bad day, as her skin looks rough, her hair's a mess and she looks nothing like the fierce-Jennifer-Maguire-bitch-potential-esque person I imagined.
Sralan tells us he was never afraid to dirty his hands (DRINK) and their first task will involve them getting their hands dirty. They have to clean things - toilets, windows, anything. They have some vans with equipment, every time they take something from it, they'll be charged, and the team who makes the most profit wins. Got that, everyone? Good.
They have ten hours of hard graft ahead, which seems quite a lot of time to be cleaning, actually. James and Philip introduce themselves to each other, and this is the first instance in the episode of anyone being named (this series has got so lazy with its opening episodes since it moved to BBC One and assumed everyone was well-versed in the pre-publicity. I mean, most of us are, but that's no reason to get cocky about it). Some of the other men talk about their job and Noorul (who actually gets a name tag) shuts them all up by boasting that he's a teacher, he likes to stand out in his job (which is surely the point, I mean you don't want the kids thinking you're one of them. I teach students and occasionally get mistaken for one and it's embarrassing). In his best Manc accent he tells us he looks posh and talks posh, which: no. Also, way to go, Mr Choudhury, abandoning your class to appear on a reality show that you'll never even win (see also Beverly from that show with all the dead relatives and Westlife songs).
The third Appleton sister, working a nice shirt and waistcoat (Kate Walsh) tells us she's not a dumb blonde, she's a straight A student and that's why she should be the next apprentice. One thing in your favour: if a bladdy woman has to win, it's likely to be the pretty blonde. One thing against: the last pretty blonde woman to win did a bladdy runner.
Anita is the complete package (DRINK) and has the rainbow of skills, apparently. She's a lawyer that doesn't work as a lawyer. Debra, who looks like the bastard offspring of Sharon Horgan and a Moomin, says she doesn't think anyone's background will be a particular advantage. Anita sneers and turns her back.
We're told it's hard to start a business in the recession (DRINK, for I feel recession/credit-crunch relevance will be a recurring theme). They discuss what to clean and Jo Cameron mk2 (Paula) suggests 'people'.
They arrive at a warehouse that the men think looks like a mafia den. Poor Kimberly proves her inability to be on this show by being jolly and suggesting they call themselves Shazam. Bless. The others piss themselves and she looks quite hurt. Noorul suggests 'Carpe diem which is like seizing the day' in a clear attempt to prove he's of superior intellect to the others, which: that's the one bit of Latin every buuger in the world knows, and you pronounced it Carp-like-a-fish Deeyemm, so score one for the 'standards in our schools are slipping' brigade. [People on this show should really steer clear of Latin-inspired team names - I remember a team on the third season of the US version mispronouncing 'magna cum laude'. - Steve]
Philip suggests Empire, as it's distinctly British and reminds us of the greatest nation and of us once being a super-power, and I sure as hell hope he's not a secret BNP man. They settle on Empire anyway. [Let's hope future tasks involve setting up a record shop and a magazine. - Steve] The women want something strong and not stupid. They debate Genesis briefly, before settling on Ignite.
Time for the poisoned chalice of first PM of the series. The men fight about it, with both Philip and Howard (who runs ten pubs apparently) fighting for that. The women all pretend they have no business experience because they know exactly how dodgy being the first PM is. Mona leads the discussion and essentially talks herself into it. She says 'it's a cleaning task for god's sake so we've got to win'. This will not be the last time this series that sexist stereotypes are employed. The yellow pages are out, roles are allocated, Anita is put in charge of the women's spending, the music playing is full of doom. This may be important.
Howard tells the men to work our what they will spend as this will help them work out the profit. He sends them off in the dark and the next minute we see them in the sunlight. Eerie. They're going to wash cars but Howard suggests not taking on jobs that involve cleaning the interiors. Philip's VT. He gives a paltry 100%. Tut tut, Philip. The non-car wash men are going to clean shoes.
Mona pronounces her name 'Monna', much to the displeasure of everyone on the interweb, who all recall the great Craig McLachlan hit and now can't use it. The women are also cleaning cars but can't agree on how much to spend. Nick VTs something about getting a spanking in the boardroom. Ooh-err. Anita says they've used their budget wisely and have come within budget at £196-something. [And looks to Nick for approval - he's not your PM, dear. - Steve] The other women fear they've spent too much money. This may be important. Just a hunch, y'know.
The men pitch to a man to clean cars for £17 a unit. He tells them they can do it for £15 and they settle on £16. It's all pretty quick. He tells them they'll only pay for work they're happy with. James compares unravelling a hose to Sudoku. James says he's looking for a 'doer' on this task. The men start to lean a car before the doors are closed. With a jetwash. Oh.
The women negotiate to clean some of those fugly hummer limo things you get for stag and hen dos. They offer £300 and the business owner balks, saying their current supplier is way cheaper. Mona asks what their supplier does for them and he lists the works. I am dying for someone to offer a 24-hour hotline here, but sadly not. He says his current supplier charges £20 a car and the women are all 'THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE'. Mona tells him he's got his figure wrong. Good start.
The other half of the women's team, led by Debra, say they'll do the cars on the front for £80 all in and then pitch for the other ten in the showroom at £10 a time. No-one told them it was impossible to clean cars for under £20. They need to ask one of the car showroom staff how to work the pressure washer. Nick tuts (DRINK).
Mona's half are 'haggling', offering to do £60 per hummer. They come down to £45 and the men concede they can do it for £40 because of the telly cameras (I presume) and Mona says they;ll get a good job because they're women, not stinky men. To a couple of men. Oh, Mona.
At St Pancras station, and Howard, Maj and Noorul are cleaning shoes, which makes me think someone's been playing Animal Crossing: in the City and taking tips from that. Expect fortune tellers, forged paintings and pink hair makeovers later in the series if so.
With the car washing men, their client tells them off for washing the car with the doors open and disses their cleaning because the cars are, you know, not actually clean. Howard rings them to discover they're finishing off their first car. He sighs and decides to bring his half of the team over. Phil snarks that Howard won't be able to clean a car. In the cab Howard moans that he told them not to clean the outside. Maj says they can't lose to girls: 'I'm not a sexist but...', which is the equivalent of 'I'm not a racist but...'
One of the hummer limos drives away and it really is the ugliest car I've ever seen. Back with Debra's team, and they didn't do a fantastic job, with ace mad cleaning skillz as great as the men's. The man at the showroom points out there are five cars left and there isn't time. Debra's all 'we can do five in an hour easy' and he's like 'well it took you three hours to clean four so do the maths'. He then says 'it's great that you've done these' in the kind of patronising manner you use for praising a three year old whose big brown splodge on paper is meant to be you. It's even funnier because he looks about twelve.
Notalie Appleton phones the others and pretends their epic fail is a 'change of plan'. She has a ridiculous sidegob, almost worthy of Pirate Jessie.
The men regroup and that Western music they always use for stand-offs, which I'm sure one of the others will know the name of. Margaret VOs, Churchill-stylee that 'never have so few cars been washed by so many people in such a long time' and doubts their ability to break even.
Notalie begs a man for business and the other ladies accost people in the car park of a shopping centre (DRINK). Lorraine jumps in front of a car shouting 'stop' then says 'I'm not scary honest. Oh, clearly I am'. Heh.
Debra gets frustrated and phones Mona to moan about the other team members (DRINK). The teams regroup, London porn (DRINK), Philip VTs about how crap Howard is. It's only half an hour into the show. How long will this boardroom be? Mona VTs about how she's been a fantastic team leader.
NotFrances sends them through. Sralan jokes about Ignite setting the world alight and calls Mona 'Mono'. American Kimberly says she thinks Mona did a good job of keeping people under control, Kate snarks that she was crap and Mona was all 'so why didn't you make yourself PM, bitch?' Sralan jokes that Howard was the emperor for the day, and I will never get the image of the Empire Stores Catalogue out of my head when thinking of this team from now on. Phil bitches that shining shoes was rubbish and Ben backs him up.
Figures. Ignite took £35 and spent £196.45 = £160.55 profit. Empire took £347, spent £107.39 = profit of over £239. Empire win, Howard looks 'surprised'. He says 'relieved'. Sralan comes over all The Queen and says 'one's going to congratulate you on it'. They win cocktails.
The loser cafe looks slightly different, and in fact more prison like. Mona demands answers and the others are appalled, but Mona bitches that her half of the team did better than the others. She calls Debra on her bitchy phone call. Debra is all 'Anita is crap at cleaning cars'. The whole thing descends into shouting.
The men go back to the NEW! PENTHOUSE! LUXURY! house. Someone says it's 'so feng shui'. [Which: no. Be quiet, whoever you were. - Steve] Oh. There's a fishtank, which is rumoured to have one fish per contestant, which will dwindle during the series. There only look to be about two fish in it from the brief glimpse I get so maybe the others are all hiding. It's bright blue, though, like the boardroom. Nice touch.
Someone else feels like P Diddy and another one does the 'I'm the King of the World' schtick on the balcony. The cocktails are poured, jollity ensues. There's an impressive bit where one of the bartenders pours four different cocktails at once.
The women arrive back and start talking, and I hope for a moment we're going to get the first night of everyone hating each other stuff we got in series 1-3, but it's not to be, as 'the boardroom awaits'. I won't be impressed if the rest of the series is all twenty-plus minute long boardroom. I mean, the boardroom is great, but it doesn't need to be more than fifteen minutes max.
Debra says she knows Mona will take her to the boardroom and if she doesn't, it'll be a waste of a good suit.
In the boardroom Debra bitches about Mona being crap. Mona says 'we wasted time' in the most long-winded way possible but admits she's not right about everything, she's human, she's here to learn and at least she had the courage to be PM unlike this lot who are all mouth and no trousers. She says Anita was given the job of costing. Sralan points out they didn't have a 'budget', they had to spend as little as possible. Notalie says she can see this, Sralan's all 'why didn't you speak up then?'.
They bitch about who made what decision. Sralan says to Anita 'didn't it occur to you that the way to win was to spend less'. Anita looks dumbfounded at a leading question, so he tries again 'didn't you think to question it?' she flounders some more and says there was a team of strong individuals and she didn't want to be a strong individual as well. Sralan hasn't got a bladdy clue (DRINK).
Mona decides to bring Debra and Anita back. Debra says everyone on her sub-team a did great job and Mona says 'so why bitch about them on the phone to me then?'. Margaret calls them a complete shambles (DRINK).
Mona says Debra was a rubbish group leader, has failed her and has failed the task. She says Debra is dishonest. Debra says they lost because Mona didn't delegate early enough and they spent too much money. Mona says Debra's half of the team didn't sell as much. Sralan says he can understand why Mona thinks she's done better. Nick says the failing to win ten cars and £100 was a problem. Anita says she added up some sums, which was what she was asked to do. Sralan says 'you were elated at being in budget? What bladdy budget?'. Anita says with hindsight she can appreciate she should have done more. Sralan asks what she'll bring to his party. She says she's hungry for it (DRINK) and really really wants the job (DRINK) and doesn't think she was responsible for the failure. Debra says she worked hard and is different from people who want to remain under the radar. Mona says she made a profit and the people they worked with WOULD refer them unlike the other half of the team. Sralan says how do you know? The other two snark that they needed to plan. Nick points out they'd have won if Debra's half had cleaned the other ten cars. Debra gives Nick a bitchface, which will surely come back to haunt her.
Srals says Mona has shown spirit, but no business acumen, Anita saw the money flow out, Debra, at the end of the day (DRINK) is seriously responsible for a lot of the things that went out. His gut instinct is telling him something. Anita put herself forward as one of Britain's best business prospects but showed no initiative - Anita, you're fired. Sralan says Anita showed no business acumen. Nick sharpens his knives for future use and says Debra should count herself lucky.
Coat watch: stylish but boring black thing.
Back at the house, Notalie says they made more money, Phil says they made more profit, Ben businessclichés (DRINK) that 'turnover is vanity, profit is sanity'. Everyone whoops and cheers at the returnees, which I doubt will happen in future weeks. They all laugh and joke.
Anita is bitterly disappointed, and 'without appearing to have a chip on my shoulder I think Sralan doesn't like lawyers. Let's sit and see if in ten year's time he doesn't think that maybe I made the wrong decision'. Yes, let's see.
Next week: cookery task! Yay! And the men wear togas. Ummm.....
Thursday, 26 March 2009
Sunday, 15 March 2009
Toy Story 2
Previously on The Apprentice Does Comic Relief: London porn! Ten celebrities had to design a toy! The ladies made a velcro suit and one of my friends enjoyed Carol and Ruby getting stuck together a little too much. The boys created a ‘swap belt’ that would have cost the earth to produce. Gok dressed some tables in Jordan’s vomit, Jonathan annoyed the life out of Jack, Michelle and Pasty had a big row about very little, Gerald Ratner revealed his ACE BIZNISS SKILLZ again by saying theirs was a ‘shit or bust’ product. Alan Sugar decided the boys’ product would cost too much bladdy money so the girls won.
Tonight: one of them will be fired. Whether that means the other nine will have to work for NotAmstrad for the rest of their days is not disclosed.
Sralan discusses the result with Nick and Margaret. Nick says Sralan isn’t as enthusiastic as he would be about the belt, which conjures up some strange mental imagery for me of Nick walking round with Bootay and co dangling from his waist. Sralan explains the rules about the PM’s role for anyone who’s missed the series proper.
NotFrances sends them in and they all adjust their clothing a bit. They go in and Jack gets a seat this time. Sralan says the girls’ product was no bladdy rocket science but it was more viable in terms of making money. He asks Gerald if they’ve done any market research. Gerald says they haven’t. Sralan says their market research was just talking to one kid in a shop, and the kid named it. Gok says he thinks this was a genius thing. Jonathan backs this up by saying the name Pokemon came from a kid in Japan. this raises interesting questions about how Jonathan's kids were named.
Sralan says it’s crazy for them to say it’s going to work, Gerald says it’s crazy to say it won’t. Sralan says listen you daft twatjob who put his own firm under by calling it crap and therefore I have every right to look down on you, despite selling products that were just as crap, I’m telling you why it won’t work. Gerald says kids love it and it’s sexy (umm… and here we’re back to the ‘intimacy’ issues of the previous episode) and he’d rather listen to someone like Gok to a pen-pusher who tells him what it’ll cost. This is not what retailing’s about, it’s about gut instinct. Says the failed retailer. He says they’d have sold it at a profit. ‘No you wouldn’t’ says Sralan. Sralan boasts about his former market share of 23% and Jonathan says ‘that’s some got penetration right there’. Gerald says if you’ve got a hot line (a 24-hour one?) and the kids all want it… and Sralan cuts him off by pointing out the number of children in that market isn’t that huge in the first place. Jonathan says yes, but they’ll all buy loads of them, not just one or two, and actually sounds a bit serious for the first time all show.
Sralan says he knows a lot of ordinary people who would tell their kiods they’re not wasting any more bladdy money on more toot when they’ve got their Tamagoochi (sic) egg still around. They all have a big circular argument about it, which gets rather tedious. Sralan says no-one’s taking responsibility. Jonathan says it’s because no-one agrees with him. Gok sighs that they’re all a bit gutted because they have put *so much* into it. I do feel that being Gok must be quite tiring, having to have a strong emotive response to everything.
Time for Gerald to decide who to bring back. He thinks they all gave him support and Jonathan performed well (by, umm, tightrope walking on a sofa?) and Gok designed it, so they shouldn’t come back. Sralan thanks them and Gok blows everyone a kiss as they leave.
End of part one.
What feels like hours later, somewhere around midnight…
Terri Seymour and Simon Cowell doing a VT together? Haven’t they split up? Or are they back together again? My celebrity gossip radar is so lacking.
Fern and Alan are presenting and she ribs him a bit about losing and being brought back into the boardroom.
More London porn. Gerald looking serious and Alan cracking up in the waiting room. Sralan tells Nick and Margaret the men are being belligerent and Margaret says they should have brought Gok back. Sralan says Jonathan gave a good presentation and seemed to run the team. Nick says he enthused them all, so full marks to him. Are these hints as to who will win series five? A glorified cheerleader?
Gerald interviews that he’s not been a good PM. Jack says he takes failure on the chin until it eats away at him and he becomes unbearably depressed. Alan says he’s never been told ‘you’re fired’ but ‘Alan don’t come back on Monday’. Gerald doesn’t seem to be getting the game, really. NotFrances sends them through, and Gerald has the look of a condemned man on his face.
Sralan says they’re all in violent disagreement about his decision and asks Jack why he shouldn’t be fired. He reels off some Apprenticecliches – I gave my all, I didn’t let anyone down (no 110%, sadly) and says he thinks Nick should be fired for doing nothing and acting as if he wasn’t in the team, and he borrowed money off him. Sralan says it’s the first time he’s heard accusations against his advisors.
Sralan says ultimately the leader, the business man should be responsible, shouldn’t they, and Gerald, ever the PR master, says yeah, if you want to fire me, fire me. Jack says ‘that’s no attitude’. Gerald says they did a good job and he’s responsible. Sralan says he’s spoken to the people from the industry who said ‘this ain’t a runner’. Gerald snarks he spoke to people who said it was a good idea. Jack Dee says he watches The X Factor and sometimes Simon Cowell says ‘I think I’ve made a mistake’ and they run and get the person back, and Sralan could do that, get the girls back and fire them instead. Alan says the girls’ product was laughable. Jack says it’s highly flammable and you could get stuck to the carpet, the health and safety implications are terrifying. There’s then some bizarre conversation about socks and Alan doing a LOL!STRAIGHT!NOT RLY! joke about Carol.
Sralan asks why he shouldn’t fire Alan. He says he’s an all-rounder and he can rap. He bigs up Jonathan and Gok and says he provided the tea and coffee. Sralan: ‘a bit of a runner then?’ Alan says sometimes you need to gee someone up and that’s his skill, he can’t run around shops getting fairy costumes. There’s then a bizarre interlude where Sralan compares them to the three wise men.
Sralan says the fault lies firmly with the team leader who is a ‘respected’ businessman and perhaps got carried away. He’s struggling to understand what Jack did other than being miserable. Alan is a very very nice fella with a miserable team leader and this miserable bloke over there. He says he’s going to rescue him and take him away from the miserable environment – Alan you’re fired – start a new life. Maybe they really do work for NotAmstrad then? That's a very tantaslising prospect. Alan says so he’s the winner? Sralan – er yeah, yeah.
Is it just me, or was he expecting to sack Jonathan Ross and this all backfired? It's hardly a result. But then I don't think anything can top the first one of these with all the politicians and Piers Morgan and whatnot for tantalising results.
Sralan thanks the boys and says he hopes the products go somewhere and raise lots and lots of money. As no-one on the night announces imminent arrivals of either product in the shops, perhaps not.
No coat watch, as we don’t see Alan leave, but in the car he feigns crying and blames those bloody gurus who talked to Sralan. I think he means the toy people and not Nick and Margaret.
That's all from us for now, but we'll be back in a couple of weeks for all the highs and lows and misogyny and London Porn and business cliche of series five. Join us then!
Tonight: one of them will be fired. Whether that means the other nine will have to work for NotAmstrad for the rest of their days is not disclosed.
Sralan discusses the result with Nick and Margaret. Nick says Sralan isn’t as enthusiastic as he would be about the belt, which conjures up some strange mental imagery for me of Nick walking round with Bootay and co dangling from his waist. Sralan explains the rules about the PM’s role for anyone who’s missed the series proper.
NotFrances sends them in and they all adjust their clothing a bit. They go in and Jack gets a seat this time. Sralan says the girls’ product was no bladdy rocket science but it was more viable in terms of making money. He asks Gerald if they’ve done any market research. Gerald says they haven’t. Sralan says their market research was just talking to one kid in a shop, and the kid named it. Gok says he thinks this was a genius thing. Jonathan backs this up by saying the name Pokemon came from a kid in Japan. this raises interesting questions about how Jonathan's kids were named.
Sralan says it’s crazy for them to say it’s going to work, Gerald says it’s crazy to say it won’t. Sralan says listen you daft twatjob who put his own firm under by calling it crap and therefore I have every right to look down on you, despite selling products that were just as crap, I’m telling you why it won’t work. Gerald says kids love it and it’s sexy (umm… and here we’re back to the ‘intimacy’ issues of the previous episode) and he’d rather listen to someone like Gok to a pen-pusher who tells him what it’ll cost. This is not what retailing’s about, it’s about gut instinct. Says the failed retailer. He says they’d have sold it at a profit. ‘No you wouldn’t’ says Sralan. Sralan boasts about his former market share of 23% and Jonathan says ‘that’s some got penetration right there’. Gerald says if you’ve got a hot line (a 24-hour one?) and the kids all want it… and Sralan cuts him off by pointing out the number of children in that market isn’t that huge in the first place. Jonathan says yes, but they’ll all buy loads of them, not just one or two, and actually sounds a bit serious for the first time all show.
Sralan says he knows a lot of ordinary people who would tell their kiods they’re not wasting any more bladdy money on more toot when they’ve got their Tamagoochi (sic) egg still around. They all have a big circular argument about it, which gets rather tedious. Sralan says no-one’s taking responsibility. Jonathan says it’s because no-one agrees with him. Gok sighs that they’re all a bit gutted because they have put *so much* into it. I do feel that being Gok must be quite tiring, having to have a strong emotive response to everything.
Time for Gerald to decide who to bring back. He thinks they all gave him support and Jonathan performed well (by, umm, tightrope walking on a sofa?) and Gok designed it, so they shouldn’t come back. Sralan thanks them and Gok blows everyone a kiss as they leave.
End of part one.
What feels like hours later, somewhere around midnight…
Terri Seymour and Simon Cowell doing a VT together? Haven’t they split up? Or are they back together again? My celebrity gossip radar is so lacking.
Fern and Alan are presenting and she ribs him a bit about losing and being brought back into the boardroom.
More London porn. Gerald looking serious and Alan cracking up in the waiting room. Sralan tells Nick and Margaret the men are being belligerent and Margaret says they should have brought Gok back. Sralan says Jonathan gave a good presentation and seemed to run the team. Nick says he enthused them all, so full marks to him. Are these hints as to who will win series five? A glorified cheerleader?
Gerald interviews that he’s not been a good PM. Jack says he takes failure on the chin until it eats away at him and he becomes unbearably depressed. Alan says he’s never been told ‘you’re fired’ but ‘Alan don’t come back on Monday’. Gerald doesn’t seem to be getting the game, really. NotFrances sends them through, and Gerald has the look of a condemned man on his face.
Sralan says they’re all in violent disagreement about his decision and asks Jack why he shouldn’t be fired. He reels off some Apprenticecliches – I gave my all, I didn’t let anyone down (no 110%, sadly) and says he thinks Nick should be fired for doing nothing and acting as if he wasn’t in the team, and he borrowed money off him. Sralan says it’s the first time he’s heard accusations against his advisors.
Sralan says ultimately the leader, the business man should be responsible, shouldn’t they, and Gerald, ever the PR master, says yeah, if you want to fire me, fire me. Jack says ‘that’s no attitude’. Gerald says they did a good job and he’s responsible. Sralan says he’s spoken to the people from the industry who said ‘this ain’t a runner’. Gerald snarks he spoke to people who said it was a good idea. Jack Dee says he watches The X Factor and sometimes Simon Cowell says ‘I think I’ve made a mistake’ and they run and get the person back, and Sralan could do that, get the girls back and fire them instead. Alan says the girls’ product was laughable. Jack says it’s highly flammable and you could get stuck to the carpet, the health and safety implications are terrifying. There’s then some bizarre conversation about socks and Alan doing a LOL!STRAIGHT!NOT RLY! joke about Carol.
Sralan asks why he shouldn’t fire Alan. He says he’s an all-rounder and he can rap. He bigs up Jonathan and Gok and says he provided the tea and coffee. Sralan: ‘a bit of a runner then?’ Alan says sometimes you need to gee someone up and that’s his skill, he can’t run around shops getting fairy costumes. There’s then a bizarre interlude where Sralan compares them to the three wise men.
Sralan says the fault lies firmly with the team leader who is a ‘respected’ businessman and perhaps got carried away. He’s struggling to understand what Jack did other than being miserable. Alan is a very very nice fella with a miserable team leader and this miserable bloke over there. He says he’s going to rescue him and take him away from the miserable environment – Alan you’re fired – start a new life. Maybe they really do work for NotAmstrad then? That's a very tantaslising prospect. Alan says so he’s the winner? Sralan – er yeah, yeah.
Is it just me, or was he expecting to sack Jonathan Ross and this all backfired? It's hardly a result. But then I don't think anything can top the first one of these with all the politicians and Piers Morgan and whatnot for tantalising results.
Sralan thanks the boys and says he hopes the products go somewhere and raise lots and lots of money. As no-one on the night announces imminent arrivals of either product in the shops, perhaps not.
No coat watch, as we don’t see Alan leave, but in the car he feigns crying and blames those bloody gurus who talked to Sralan. I think he means the toy people and not Nick and Margaret.
That's all from us for now, but we'll be back in a couple of weeks for all the highs and lows and misogyny and London Porn and business cliche of series five. Join us then!
Toy story
Comic Relief Does The Apprentice
TX date: 12th March 2009
While we eagerly await the release of the line-up for the new series, the inevitable celeb charity spinoff has arrived to keep us entertained. The girls have won the previous two editions, but can they make it a hat trick? Let's find out.
London porn. 'Dance of the Knights'. So far so formulaic. Voiceover Mark informs us that this year's celebs come from the world of comedy (Jack Dee), entertainment (Jonathan Ross), journalism (Fiona Phillips, and the implication that she is a serious journalist provides the first giant laugh of the night from me) and business (Michelle Moan, sigh). There's the mention of some of the country's best-loved celebrities, at which point we see Carol Vorderman and Patsy Palmer. Okay, here's the rundown: fashion guru Gok Wan, who says he will be competitive, comedian and presenter Ruby Wax, who vows to "bite anyone who gets in front of me", comedian Alan Carr, who is a self-proclaimed bitch. And they are the only three who get VT time. Seems a bit unfair, especially as Gerald Ratner has had absolutely no screentime in this bit at all [To be fair, what would his screentime say? 'Remember me, I used to be a great businessman, but then I said my stock was crap and that was the end of that. I'm basically Rory Laing on an epic scale.' - Rad]. Then we get shots of Sralan, all of which are taken from last series, such as "you went out and lost me bladdy money", like they think we don't remember that. He reads the financial pages in a helicopter, as you do. And then, to whet our appetites, some preview clips: Michelle and Patsy having this year's obligatory catfight, Jack telling Jonathan to keep it brief, Gok telling people in the car that for every negative thing they say, they must say two positive things (the first indication that Gok and I are not going to get on AT ALL) [Ugh. We have posters at work demanding we do the same in a 'feedback sandwich'. For some, my backhanded positivity extends to writing 'interesting' and 'unique' - Rad]. Then a replay of last year's "you're fired/you're fired/you're a total shambles, you're fired" montage. Okay, here we go!
The ten celebrities anxiously await the summons to the boardroom from NotFrances. When it comes, they rise and walk in with some amount of trepidation. Nick and Margaret are already there, and the celebrities take a seat (and as usual, there aren't enough seats, so Jack and Fiona stand), and eventually Sralan enters irascibly. Actually, I'm not really sure how you can enter a room irascibly, but just assume that the adverb "irascibly" applies every time Sralan does something tonight and you won't go too far wrong. Sralan greets the celebrities and thanks them for giving up their valuable time. He informs them curtly that this is a different world to the "kissy kissy, lovey lovey, huggy huggy, love it darling" world of celebrity, as though the previous two celebrity editions of this show weren't entirely dependent on whoever had the richest friends available to air-kiss in order to bring in cash. Sralan asks Carol what "three to the power of three take away seven" is, and Carol takes a surprisingly long time to work it out, but I'll give her the benefit of the doubt since this is probably a rather heart-pounding scenario to be in. And then Sralan asks Alan what the first letter of the alphabet is, just to prove that the camp comic has a brain. How lovely. Sralan informs the celebs that one of them will be fired, though from what he doesn't actually say, since there's obviously no actual job on offer tonight. He introduces Michelle Moan, who will be assisting the ladies' team on matters of business, and Gerald "cheap shit" Ratner, who will be doing the same for the men. Gosh, I wonder who the project managers will be?
The task this time is to design a toy for children aged 5-8; and then to come up with packing and an ad campaign, and present it to a room full of advertising gurus. If the winning team's toy is brilliant, someone might license the product to sell in aid of Comic Relief. Is it just me, or does that seem like a rather big "if"? Like, if the winning product is shit, Comic Relief will actually not benefit from this show in any way? As tired as I was getting of the whole "throw a fundraiser, and whoever knows the richest person wins" celebrity tasks, at least they were guaranteed to make money for the cause. Ruby likes the idea, anyway.
Things are being switched up this year - Margaret followed the men's team on the previous two years, and they lost both times, so this year she will be following the women, and Nick will follow the men. "Nick looks more cross, though," complains Jonathan. Whatever: Margaret may not make mock-stern faces in the boardroom, she's still a way more fearsome adversary than Nick is. Sralan asks Gok if he could do a makeover on Nick. Gok's obvious response is "I'd like to see if he looks good naked," which is apparently the funniest thing Carol has ever heard, but far funnier for me is the fact that it appears to take Nick a good 30 seconds to get this reference, which suggests he has ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHO GOK WAN IS. Hee. Sralan wishes the teams luck, and sends them on their way.
They will have three days to design and pitch their toy. In the cab, Gok suggests getting on the phone to Hamley's and speaking to their marketing director to find out what's selling right now. Whether anyone actually does this in the end is never actually made clear. The girls drive past in their cab and Alan makes obscene gestures at them. In the ladycab, Patsy says the trick to success is in believing that you have already won. They will be based in the Mayfair hotel, which is very lovely indeed - I've not stayed there, but I went there for a preview screening once and it has very nice toilets. So at least we know these people will be pissing and shitting in the utmost of luxury for three days, and isn't that what really matters here?
The first thing Jonathan does is challenge Gok to a spacehooper race, except he calls him "Wok", and I hate to be the PC brigade here, but I can't have been the only one who thought that sounded slightly racially insensitive [Uh-oh, Steven, have you just inadvertently started another tabloid scandal? - Rad]. They race, and Jonathan cheats. By contrast, the women are having a very professional discussion about who should be PM, wherein Carol nominates Michelle. Michelle warns them all that she will be a pain in the backside. "You have no idea!" she says. Oh, Michelle. If they've ever watched You're Fired, I'm sure they'll have an inkling. She says that she'll force them all to stay up all night if it's what the job needs to get done. "That's what we need! You're doing it!" says Patsy, as Hubris arrives and helps itself to coffee and biscuits. Michelle confessionalises that she has OCD - "the real entrepreneurs are born with it, but a lot of us are psychos," she admits. And I have to give her credit for that degree of self-awareness.
Meanwhile, the men are now making the same decision. Jonathan and Gok would both like to be PM, while Jack proposes Gerald for PM because none of the rest of them have experience in seeing a project through from start to finish. Alan worries that Jonathan would be too enthusiastic a PM. Gerald says that he's happy to be PM unless anyone else really wants to do it. Gerald confessionalises that there are a lot of comedians on the team, "which is good because I like laughing." This statement is made in probably the most dour voice you've ever heard, which gives it a whole new level of unintentional comedy.
Gok thinks yo-yos are a timeless product which will always be on trend; Jonathan argues that they are not innovative. Jonathan's idea is about aliens coming from another planet, travelling through the universe helping other planets in need, with the possibility of add-on products like livestock and nurses' uniforms. The inside of Jonathan's head must be a very interesting place. Gerald points out that companies who sell products of that nature throw £200m-odd pounds at them, and they shouldn't try to compete with that kind of financial muscle. Jonathan compromises that they they need to come up with a product that they're all comfortable with that they can sell, and confessionalises that he is very persuasive and Jack or Gerald need to stick up to him if he gets a head of steam going. Because Alan and Gok are both homosexuals and therefore fundamentally incapable of standing up to a red-blooded breeder.
Team Lady: they are brainstorming when Patsy suggests a kind of outfit that the kids put on which makes funny noises when they hug each other. Ruby upgrades this to a suit made of velcro which makes the kids stick to each other - an idea that goes down very well.
Team Man: the idea is now a belt with little collectable figures dangling off it that kids can buy individually. Gerald wants it to be leather, and no one else agrees - the common consensus seems to be that it should be plastic.
At 2pm, the teams split up to do some research. In the back of the cab with Jack and Jonathan, Old Man Gerald says that when he was younger, he just played with lead soldiers. Understandably, he receives several comments of the "well, problem solved!" mocking variety. "Just a bar of lead," suggests Jonathan. "You can hit people with it, you can suck it..." "If you suck lead, you would die," says Gerald. Yes, Gerald. That was the joke.
Patsy and Fiona go off to do a focus group with a bunch of adorable moppets, whom they patronise moderately. Once they explain what velcro is to the children, the kids seem quite keen on the idea of the velcro suit. Meanwhile, Ruby, Carol and Michelle are going off to meet the designers. Fiona and Patsy feed back from the focus group, and they decide to go for the velcro suit idea. Michelle says they need to come up with creative ideas and "build on the brand". Steady on, Michelle.
Jack, Gerald and Jonathan go to Staines (this isn't said out loud on the show, but I totally recognise it) and look at collectable mini-figures in bubblegum-style vending machines outside a branch of The Entertainer. Jonathan and Jack corner a small boy in the shop to ask him what he thinks of their idea. Just one small boy, you'll note, as opposed to Fiona and Patsy's focus group of about ten. "So it's basically a swap belt?" says the boy. Jonathan says that they'd been planning on calling the toys Clip-Its, but the team seems to like "swap belt" better, even though it's about the least exciting brand name they could've possibly come up with.
At 5pm, Ruby, Carol and Michelle meet with the toy designers in Windsor. They play around with velcro. Michelle says that the pack needs to come with two suits, which is a good point - there's not really much point in only having one. She also says to the design team that they need to find the most cost-effective way of making the product, that will enable them and the retailer to make a profit. I mean, I'm sure the designers know this because presumably that's the same of any product they'd be making, but it's good that she has actually remembered this point, as we shall see later. Their estimated price is £15-£20, which seems to be around the price that similar products are selling for. Ruby is cross that this is for Comic Relief, because she could've actually made some money out of this. Heh.
Jonathan, Jack and Gerald are meeting with their designers to make the Swap Belt. There is some uncertainty over the cost of the product - the designer cautions that they would need to be making them in massive quantities, and Gerald is unsure that they can make them in sufficient quantities to be financially viable. "Too late now! We're committed!" says Jonathan. Gerald confessionalises that he is worried, because he doesn't want to end up with the wrong product and ultimately fail.
9pm. The teams head back to London. "You've got your Swap Belt, and your Swap Characters," says Gerald in the cab. Jonathan suggests they need something pithier than "Swap Characters", having apparently missed that "Swap Belt" is just as uninspired. Suggestions (all from Jonathan) include swappers, swippers and slappers. Sigh. "If they get stolen, I suppose that's swaplifting," observes Jack drily.
Day 2. The toys arrive from the design company, and the women are very excited by their product Stick Stuck, which is almost as exciting a brand name as Swap Belt. Patsy thinks her kids would love it. The men are also excited by theirs, but worried that they only have a belt and some design boards - no actual toys to hang from the belt. Crisis averted, however, when it turns out that Alan accidentally discarded the toys with the excess packaging. This bodes well, doesn't it? Jonathan suggests Alan should be fired. They admire the toys. "What little girl isn't going to want to have Mippy the Space Bunny hanging off her belt?" asks Jonathan. What little girl indeed.
Today is the day for commercial making, and Jonathan is directing for the chaps, with Jack assisting. Jack observes that there was never any chance that Jonathan would not direct the commercial himself. "I wouldn't be surprised if a cigar comes out by the end of the day," he says. Patsy is directing from the ladies, with Fiona assisting. She is planning to get as much help as possible from the camerapeople.
Jack and Jonathan film their commercial at a house in west London. No one appears to have booked Sian Lloyd to appear so far, but it's early days. Jack appears to be doing most of the logistical work, while Jonathan shows off the toys to the kids. At Patsy's shoot, the kids are enjoying playing with the Stick Stuck suits, which is a good sign. Fiona confessionalises that as soon as they put the suits on, the kids started laughing and giggling, but she doesn't want to get too complacent, as it could still all go wrong.
Gok, Gerald and Alan go to a recording studio to come up with their jingle. Alan raps their jingle, which is every bit as ludicrous as you might imagine. "We've lost! We've lost!" crows Gok, but he's laughing. The three of them are pretty much hysterical by the end. Back at the commercial shoot, we see Jack's notes from the day entitled "Jonathan's Opus". Hee. There is some disagreement about one of the shots. "Bear in mind that this is an establishing shot to get into the longer shot," says Jonathan, clearly mentally composing his BAFTA acceptance speech. "It'd be good if it was a nice shot," crabs Jack. Jack has probably got the worst job out of everyone at this point. Poor Jack.
Meanwhile, Ruby, Carol and Michelle record their jingle. Michelle is not used to being in a recording studio. They chant "stick! stuck!" and Michelle dissolves into giggles almost immediately and cannot recover. "It's an early menopause," Carol explains.
The teams are preparing their presentations at County Hall, where they must theme and dress their rooms. Gok and Gerald are disappointed that theirs is so small. "Everyone knows me as the stylist and the design person, so I feel I've got to reinvent Gucci," confessionalises Gok. He's not short of ideas, anyway. But then he starts to whine, "I don't know what they've got in the prop houses, I don't know what they've got in the costumiers, everyone thinks I can just rustle up 25,000 outfits and deck out a space in about three-and-a-half minutes, and I'm feeling a little bit annoyed now. I'm not happy." Yes, heaven forfend people should think that the man known for his design skills actually be put to work on the design part of the task. And nothing that we saw from Alan or Gerald suggested that they were putting any kind of pressure on him whatsoever, so I think the "everyone expects me to be INSTANTLY FABULOUS" drama was probably concocted entirely in Gok's head.
Bitchy cab ride, on the way to Cricklewood, which is where Gok invokes the "say one thing negative, say two things positive rule". If I were Alan or Gerald, I think one of my positives would be "for every minute I spend stuck in this traffic jam, it is at least one minute off the total of the number of minutes I have to spend with Gok before I can go home."
Ruby, Michelle and Carol go prop shopping. Let's just say that some of the costumes they try out are not exactly suitable for presenting a children's toy. Michelle's inner shame kicks in quite quickly, but Ruby's having none of it: "it's for kids! It's for Africa!" They do end up buying some things which seem to be mannequin limbs, and then Ruby can't open the door to get out.
Gok, Alan and Gerald shop for their own costumes and props. Gok is looking for things on a princess theme: "if Jordan were to throw up, it's what would come out." Silicone? Collagen? Bile? Gok continues to annoy, having given his list of requirements: "Is that cool? I'm beginning to feel a bit stressed out about it." I'm sure the woman taking your order does not give one tiny shit about your stress levels, Gok. Still, to his credit, he has a very clear idea of what he wants. In the cab on the way back, Gerald and Alan needle Gok by sarcastically claiming he's not pulling his weight. This would probably work better if either of them had been seen to do anything whatsoever on the outfit-shopping trip.
Day 3 is upon us, and the teams have eight hours left before they have to present their new toys. Ruby, Carol and Michelle are dressing the girls' room. Apparently the legs are to sit on the tables as centrepieces. Michelle is working out a presentation schedule down to the nanosecond. Patsy and Fiona are back in the hotel making costumes, and Patsy is complaining that they aren't getting to do anything exciting. Fiona, sensibly, is not getting involved beyond the occasional "mmm" and "yeah". Patsy whinges that obviously they've been correctly deployed in this task "because you're not really a presenter and I'm not really an actress." Patsy? When you are making Fiona Phillips look like the calm, mature, sane person in a partnership, something is very wrong.
At the hotel, Jack and Jonathan are preparing their pitch. Well, to be strictly honest: Jack is preparing the pitch, and Jonathan is being Jonathan. Jonathan freestyles a variety of "comedy" bits to work the room, eventually asking Jack what he thinks. "For the last five minutes, I haven't been listening to you," Jack replies.
Gok dresses the dancers for their presentation as children's storybook characters. Alan assists. That's pretty much all that happens in this scene. Next!
Jack prepares the presentation, while Jonathan: belches in his ear, tightrope-walks along the back of the sofa, fires a toy gun at him, falls asleep on an inflatable chair, and lounges on the sofa. That Jack does not at any point lamp him one is a testament to the true power of human patience. I wouldn't have lasted five minutes before battering him to death with a Bob The Builder.
Fiona and Patsy arrive at County Hall with their costumes, and Patsy is to choreograph the dancers. Michelle tells her they have to be out of the room in one hour. In probably the most classless moment of the entire show, Patsy confessionalises about how fed up she is with Michelle while standing a maximum of about two metres away from her, and she's clearly not making any effort to keep her voice down. Yeah, that's professional.
And so Michelle and Patsy have their bust-up, which stems from Michelle The OCD Psycho repeatedly telling Patsy that she needs to go and sort out a routine with the dancers while Patsy The Tantrum Throwing Teenager insists that she knows that and is in fact in the middle of it. It is the most pointless argument ever, and both of them are acting like assholes, but Michelle emerges from the whole thing with slightly less credibility than she went in with because of her outright determination to have the last word. And since her final assertion to Patsy that she has one hour with which to sort out the dancers is met with a clipped "piss off!", she doesn't even manage that. This, by the way, is pretty much exactly how you don't do conflict resolution, on both sides. And then Patsy bitches to the dancers and decides she's going to walk out. Fiona tries to stop her, but Patsy's having none of it. Margaret looks unimpressed. "You can't top this, can you?" confessionalises Ruby. "We just need a few more people here to be on the girls' team otherwise I'll be alone with a couple of mirrors so it looks like there's a crowd."
Jack and Jonathan arrive at County Hall, with Jack kvetching that Jonathan has wasted the morning. "I think I've done exactly what was required of me," Jonathan. Oh, if looks could kill. Gok prepares the dancers.
Elsewhere, Patsy prepares her own dancers and there is an uneasy truce with Michelle. Patsy confessionalises that she was ready to leave, but then she called her husband who reminded her how much this all meant to her. Translation: she called her husband who pointed out she'd look like a bint of epic proportion if she walked out on a charity TV show. We see the routine, and it is actually pretty cute. The team gives Patsy a round of applause. Michelle thinks they're going to win based on their presentation, their product and their commercial.
Bigwigs of all kinds arrive at County Hall, where the men's team will be the first to present their pitch. Jonathan leads the pitch, and they show their commercial. The commercial is okay, I guess - it's not the most sophisticated advert I've ever seen, but given the amount of time they had to prepare it, it's capable enough. The price, incidentally, is £7.99 for the belt, which includes a free "Swappy" worth £1.50. Jonathan explains that kids like to collect and swap, and they like trends - the fact that the belt doesn't look good with only one swappy on it provides the incentive to buy more trinkets.
Gerald takes over to talk numbers, and gets off to a poor start by saying "profit is sanity, turnover itself is just vanity", a saying he attributes to Sralan, but which Sralan corrects him from the crowd was actually uttered by "some schmuck on Dragons' Den." PRESENTATION FAIL. Gerald says they are hoping kids will buy 40 or 50 swappies. They show off the characters for the belt, with names like Princess Chakhra and Bootay. Someone in the crowd asks how many they'll need to sell to get it to craze proportions. Gerald says it will be a "shit or bust" product, which is ill-advised, explaining that it will either fall flat on its face or really take off. Wow, that just fills you with confidence, doesn't it? [Proving his PR skills haven't exactly improved in the last 20 years, there - Rad] Backstage, they think they really nailed it.
The women prepare for their presentation, which Ruby and Carol are doing, attired in bright blue and pink wigs. They've had their own adult-sized costumes manufactured for the purposes of the presentation. The whole thing is deliberately very stilted, but still awkward in the wrong sort of way. Apparently they've now turned it into some kind of Twister ripoff where you roll a dice to tell you which part of your partner's body you have to attach a limb to. I dunno, I think they're overcomplicating it - just get kids to put the suit on and throw themselves at each other, I reckon that's all you need. [See, I thought the Twister idea was good, but clearly it's only me and the team that think that way - Rad] Their commercial is no more sophisticated than the men's, but does at least do a slighty better job of explaining the point of their product. Theirs is priced at £14.99. A toy manufacturer called Mark suggests that young boys don't like to be intimate with their peers. Patsy says that when they filmed the advert, the boys didn't show any signs of hesitancy in putting the suits on and rubbing up against each other (there was no way of phrasing that that didn't sound wrong, I swear), but then queers her pitch by going "we're talking about babies! They shouldn't have a problem with intimacy," which is far too Oprah an answer for the question, and inexplicably merits a round of applause, and seriously, Patsy: five-to-eight year olds are not babies. A man sitting next to Margaret suggests the product is for 50- to 80-year olds. Fiona says that there's plenty of room for brand expansion. And then they end with their dancers, which just seems like really poor sequencing to me. They hug backstage, and now Sralan must decide who wins.
A little smidgen of London porn before the cars come to collect the teams from their hotels and take them to the boardroom. Jonathan says that if they lose, he's going to steal something from the boardroom for posterity, like Margaret. Michelle says she's taken this all very seriously, and is worried because she's never been fired before. Gok thinks the presentation went really well and they all played to their strengths. They arrive in the holding area, and NotFrances sends them in.
Sralan asks the ladies if they were pleased with their team manager. "Absolutely!" says Carol. "Not really, all the time," says Patsy, explaining that they didn't always think they were led very well. Sralan wonders if this is because she's not used to being told what to do. Patsy says that she doesn't mind that, but that half the time they didn't know what they were supposed to be doing, which is the opposite of the argument she had with Michelle at County Hall, so who even knows at this point? Michelle says she handled it to the best of her ability, and that Patsy wanted to work on her own. Carol says that she thinks they've got a fantastic product, and they had a great launch, and that was the business.
Sralan turns to the men, who think Gerald was a great team leader. Gerald says it was difficult to keep everyone under control because it's in Jonathan's nature to want to monopolise. Jonathan says that he felt utilised, and then compliments Sralan on his shirt. This does not wash with Sralan. Jack suggests firing whoever counts the chairs, "because both times I've been in here, I didn't get a chair, and Fiona's the same." Hee. Sralan says that one of the blokes from the toy company said that the product isn't marketable in its current form, because of the dice-throwing - that you should just put the suits on the kids and leave them to it. Also, the pink and blue theme was not wanted. Ruby says that they didn't want pink, and Sralan says that they should've said that last night.
Sralan turns to the boys, who are homing in on collectability which they know is big right now, because as Jack explains, between him and Gerald and Jonathan they have 10 children. (Gok and Alan don't have any, LOLGAY, and honestly, Jack, I thought you were above that.) Sralan presents a potential error here, in getting the product off the ground, because the items like that are very expensive to manufacture - a single-impression injection moulding tool costs around $60,000, and a multiple-moulding tool that makes several could cost around a quarter of a million USD. Given that they have 40-odd clip-on toys to manufacture, essentially this would make their business prohibitively expensive from a start-up point of view. Sralan, with the help of Carol's much-sharper-now mental arithmetic projects their net profit would be arond £210,000, which would not leave them much money for the necessary TV ad campaign to launch a craze of this nature. Jonathan admits they didn't cost it thoroughly enough. Sralan says that the task was to create a business with legs.
Sralan says that it's a very close-run thing, but after careful consideration of everything he'd been told by his associates in the toy manufacturing industry, the girls' product wins. Much celebratory cheering and hugging from Team Oestrogen. Jonathan congratulates them and the men clap, a little sadly. Sralan says that the winning team's treat is not having to work for him. He thanks them on behalf of Comic Relief and says that they are looking into getting the product manufactured. Carol suggests adult-sized versions as well, heh.
Sralan says that the boys lost because their proposition was not viable, and sends them out while he mulls it over with Nick and Margaret to decide who will get fired. Ruth will be on hand to recap that for you very soon! [Well, probably sometime tonight, as I am out all afternoon... but they kept us waiting forever for the result on the real night, so it's only fair to replicate the suspense - Rad]
TX date: 12th March 2009
While we eagerly await the release of the line-up for the new series, the inevitable celeb charity spinoff has arrived to keep us entertained. The girls have won the previous two editions, but can they make it a hat trick? Let's find out.
London porn. 'Dance of the Knights'. So far so formulaic. Voiceover Mark informs us that this year's celebs come from the world of comedy (Jack Dee), entertainment (Jonathan Ross), journalism (Fiona Phillips, and the implication that she is a serious journalist provides the first giant laugh of the night from me) and business (Michelle Moan, sigh). There's the mention of some of the country's best-loved celebrities, at which point we see Carol Vorderman and Patsy Palmer. Okay, here's the rundown: fashion guru Gok Wan, who says he will be competitive, comedian and presenter Ruby Wax, who vows to "bite anyone who gets in front of me", comedian Alan Carr, who is a self-proclaimed bitch. And they are the only three who get VT time. Seems a bit unfair, especially as Gerald Ratner has had absolutely no screentime in this bit at all [To be fair, what would his screentime say? 'Remember me, I used to be a great businessman, but then I said my stock was crap and that was the end of that. I'm basically Rory Laing on an epic scale.' - Rad]. Then we get shots of Sralan, all of which are taken from last series, such as "you went out and lost me bladdy money", like they think we don't remember that. He reads the financial pages in a helicopter, as you do. And then, to whet our appetites, some preview clips: Michelle and Patsy having this year's obligatory catfight, Jack telling Jonathan to keep it brief, Gok telling people in the car that for every negative thing they say, they must say two positive things (the first indication that Gok and I are not going to get on AT ALL) [Ugh. We have posters at work demanding we do the same in a 'feedback sandwich'. For some, my backhanded positivity extends to writing 'interesting' and 'unique' - Rad]. Then a replay of last year's "you're fired/you're fired/you're a total shambles, you're fired" montage. Okay, here we go!
The ten celebrities anxiously await the summons to the boardroom from NotFrances. When it comes, they rise and walk in with some amount of trepidation. Nick and Margaret are already there, and the celebrities take a seat (and as usual, there aren't enough seats, so Jack and Fiona stand), and eventually Sralan enters irascibly. Actually, I'm not really sure how you can enter a room irascibly, but just assume that the adverb "irascibly" applies every time Sralan does something tonight and you won't go too far wrong. Sralan greets the celebrities and thanks them for giving up their valuable time. He informs them curtly that this is a different world to the "kissy kissy, lovey lovey, huggy huggy, love it darling" world of celebrity, as though the previous two celebrity editions of this show weren't entirely dependent on whoever had the richest friends available to air-kiss in order to bring in cash. Sralan asks Carol what "three to the power of three take away seven" is, and Carol takes a surprisingly long time to work it out, but I'll give her the benefit of the doubt since this is probably a rather heart-pounding scenario to be in. And then Sralan asks Alan what the first letter of the alphabet is, just to prove that the camp comic has a brain. How lovely. Sralan informs the celebs that one of them will be fired, though from what he doesn't actually say, since there's obviously no actual job on offer tonight. He introduces Michelle Moan, who will be assisting the ladies' team on matters of business, and Gerald "cheap shit" Ratner, who will be doing the same for the men. Gosh, I wonder who the project managers will be?
The task this time is to design a toy for children aged 5-8; and then to come up with packing and an ad campaign, and present it to a room full of advertising gurus. If the winning team's toy is brilliant, someone might license the product to sell in aid of Comic Relief. Is it just me, or does that seem like a rather big "if"? Like, if the winning product is shit, Comic Relief will actually not benefit from this show in any way? As tired as I was getting of the whole "throw a fundraiser, and whoever knows the richest person wins" celebrity tasks, at least they were guaranteed to make money for the cause. Ruby likes the idea, anyway.
Things are being switched up this year - Margaret followed the men's team on the previous two years, and they lost both times, so this year she will be following the women, and Nick will follow the men. "Nick looks more cross, though," complains Jonathan. Whatever: Margaret may not make mock-stern faces in the boardroom, she's still a way more fearsome adversary than Nick is. Sralan asks Gok if he could do a makeover on Nick. Gok's obvious response is "I'd like to see if he looks good naked," which is apparently the funniest thing Carol has ever heard, but far funnier for me is the fact that it appears to take Nick a good 30 seconds to get this reference, which suggests he has ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHO GOK WAN IS. Hee. Sralan wishes the teams luck, and sends them on their way.
They will have three days to design and pitch their toy. In the cab, Gok suggests getting on the phone to Hamley's and speaking to their marketing director to find out what's selling right now. Whether anyone actually does this in the end is never actually made clear. The girls drive past in their cab and Alan makes obscene gestures at them. In the ladycab, Patsy says the trick to success is in believing that you have already won. They will be based in the Mayfair hotel, which is very lovely indeed - I've not stayed there, but I went there for a preview screening once and it has very nice toilets. So at least we know these people will be pissing and shitting in the utmost of luxury for three days, and isn't that what really matters here?
The first thing Jonathan does is challenge Gok to a spacehooper race, except he calls him "Wok", and I hate to be the PC brigade here, but I can't have been the only one who thought that sounded slightly racially insensitive [Uh-oh, Steven, have you just inadvertently started another tabloid scandal? - Rad]. They race, and Jonathan cheats. By contrast, the women are having a very professional discussion about who should be PM, wherein Carol nominates Michelle. Michelle warns them all that she will be a pain in the backside. "You have no idea!" she says. Oh, Michelle. If they've ever watched You're Fired, I'm sure they'll have an inkling. She says that she'll force them all to stay up all night if it's what the job needs to get done. "That's what we need! You're doing it!" says Patsy, as Hubris arrives and helps itself to coffee and biscuits. Michelle confessionalises that she has OCD - "the real entrepreneurs are born with it, but a lot of us are psychos," she admits. And I have to give her credit for that degree of self-awareness.
Meanwhile, the men are now making the same decision. Jonathan and Gok would both like to be PM, while Jack proposes Gerald for PM because none of the rest of them have experience in seeing a project through from start to finish. Alan worries that Jonathan would be too enthusiastic a PM. Gerald says that he's happy to be PM unless anyone else really wants to do it. Gerald confessionalises that there are a lot of comedians on the team, "which is good because I like laughing." This statement is made in probably the most dour voice you've ever heard, which gives it a whole new level of unintentional comedy.
Gok thinks yo-yos are a timeless product which will always be on trend; Jonathan argues that they are not innovative. Jonathan's idea is about aliens coming from another planet, travelling through the universe helping other planets in need, with the possibility of add-on products like livestock and nurses' uniforms. The inside of Jonathan's head must be a very interesting place. Gerald points out that companies who sell products of that nature throw £200m-odd pounds at them, and they shouldn't try to compete with that kind of financial muscle. Jonathan compromises that they they need to come up with a product that they're all comfortable with that they can sell, and confessionalises that he is very persuasive and Jack or Gerald need to stick up to him if he gets a head of steam going. Because Alan and Gok are both homosexuals and therefore fundamentally incapable of standing up to a red-blooded breeder.
Team Lady: they are brainstorming when Patsy suggests a kind of outfit that the kids put on which makes funny noises when they hug each other. Ruby upgrades this to a suit made of velcro which makes the kids stick to each other - an idea that goes down very well.
Team Man: the idea is now a belt with little collectable figures dangling off it that kids can buy individually. Gerald wants it to be leather, and no one else agrees - the common consensus seems to be that it should be plastic.
At 2pm, the teams split up to do some research. In the back of the cab with Jack and Jonathan, Old Man Gerald says that when he was younger, he just played with lead soldiers. Understandably, he receives several comments of the "well, problem solved!" mocking variety. "Just a bar of lead," suggests Jonathan. "You can hit people with it, you can suck it..." "If you suck lead, you would die," says Gerald. Yes, Gerald. That was the joke.
Patsy and Fiona go off to do a focus group with a bunch of adorable moppets, whom they patronise moderately. Once they explain what velcro is to the children, the kids seem quite keen on the idea of the velcro suit. Meanwhile, Ruby, Carol and Michelle are going off to meet the designers. Fiona and Patsy feed back from the focus group, and they decide to go for the velcro suit idea. Michelle says they need to come up with creative ideas and "build on the brand". Steady on, Michelle.
Jack, Gerald and Jonathan go to Staines (this isn't said out loud on the show, but I totally recognise it) and look at collectable mini-figures in bubblegum-style vending machines outside a branch of The Entertainer. Jonathan and Jack corner a small boy in the shop to ask him what he thinks of their idea. Just one small boy, you'll note, as opposed to Fiona and Patsy's focus group of about ten. "So it's basically a swap belt?" says the boy. Jonathan says that they'd been planning on calling the toys Clip-Its, but the team seems to like "swap belt" better, even though it's about the least exciting brand name they could've possibly come up with.
At 5pm, Ruby, Carol and Michelle meet with the toy designers in Windsor. They play around with velcro. Michelle says that the pack needs to come with two suits, which is a good point - there's not really much point in only having one. She also says to the design team that they need to find the most cost-effective way of making the product, that will enable them and the retailer to make a profit. I mean, I'm sure the designers know this because presumably that's the same of any product they'd be making, but it's good that she has actually remembered this point, as we shall see later. Their estimated price is £15-£20, which seems to be around the price that similar products are selling for. Ruby is cross that this is for Comic Relief, because she could've actually made some money out of this. Heh.
Jonathan, Jack and Gerald are meeting with their designers to make the Swap Belt. There is some uncertainty over the cost of the product - the designer cautions that they would need to be making them in massive quantities, and Gerald is unsure that they can make them in sufficient quantities to be financially viable. "Too late now! We're committed!" says Jonathan. Gerald confessionalises that he is worried, because he doesn't want to end up with the wrong product and ultimately fail.
9pm. The teams head back to London. "You've got your Swap Belt, and your Swap Characters," says Gerald in the cab. Jonathan suggests they need something pithier than "Swap Characters", having apparently missed that "Swap Belt" is just as uninspired. Suggestions (all from Jonathan) include swappers, swippers and slappers. Sigh. "If they get stolen, I suppose that's swaplifting," observes Jack drily.
Day 2. The toys arrive from the design company, and the women are very excited by their product Stick Stuck, which is almost as exciting a brand name as Swap Belt. Patsy thinks her kids would love it. The men are also excited by theirs, but worried that they only have a belt and some design boards - no actual toys to hang from the belt. Crisis averted, however, when it turns out that Alan accidentally discarded the toys with the excess packaging. This bodes well, doesn't it? Jonathan suggests Alan should be fired. They admire the toys. "What little girl isn't going to want to have Mippy the Space Bunny hanging off her belt?" asks Jonathan. What little girl indeed.
Today is the day for commercial making, and Jonathan is directing for the chaps, with Jack assisting. Jack observes that there was never any chance that Jonathan would not direct the commercial himself. "I wouldn't be surprised if a cigar comes out by the end of the day," he says. Patsy is directing from the ladies, with Fiona assisting. She is planning to get as much help as possible from the camerapeople.
Jack and Jonathan film their commercial at a house in west London. No one appears to have booked Sian Lloyd to appear so far, but it's early days. Jack appears to be doing most of the logistical work, while Jonathan shows off the toys to the kids. At Patsy's shoot, the kids are enjoying playing with the Stick Stuck suits, which is a good sign. Fiona confessionalises that as soon as they put the suits on, the kids started laughing and giggling, but she doesn't want to get too complacent, as it could still all go wrong.
Gok, Gerald and Alan go to a recording studio to come up with their jingle. Alan raps their jingle, which is every bit as ludicrous as you might imagine. "We've lost! We've lost!" crows Gok, but he's laughing. The three of them are pretty much hysterical by the end. Back at the commercial shoot, we see Jack's notes from the day entitled "Jonathan's Opus". Hee. There is some disagreement about one of the shots. "Bear in mind that this is an establishing shot to get into the longer shot," says Jonathan, clearly mentally composing his BAFTA acceptance speech. "It'd be good if it was a nice shot," crabs Jack. Jack has probably got the worst job out of everyone at this point. Poor Jack.
Meanwhile, Ruby, Carol and Michelle record their jingle. Michelle is not used to being in a recording studio. They chant "stick! stuck!" and Michelle dissolves into giggles almost immediately and cannot recover. "It's an early menopause," Carol explains.
The teams are preparing their presentations at County Hall, where they must theme and dress their rooms. Gok and Gerald are disappointed that theirs is so small. "Everyone knows me as the stylist and the design person, so I feel I've got to reinvent Gucci," confessionalises Gok. He's not short of ideas, anyway. But then he starts to whine, "I don't know what they've got in the prop houses, I don't know what they've got in the costumiers, everyone thinks I can just rustle up 25,000 outfits and deck out a space in about three-and-a-half minutes, and I'm feeling a little bit annoyed now. I'm not happy." Yes, heaven forfend people should think that the man known for his design skills actually be put to work on the design part of the task. And nothing that we saw from Alan or Gerald suggested that they were putting any kind of pressure on him whatsoever, so I think the "everyone expects me to be INSTANTLY FABULOUS" drama was probably concocted entirely in Gok's head.
Bitchy cab ride, on the way to Cricklewood, which is where Gok invokes the "say one thing negative, say two things positive rule". If I were Alan or Gerald, I think one of my positives would be "for every minute I spend stuck in this traffic jam, it is at least one minute off the total of the number of minutes I have to spend with Gok before I can go home."
Ruby, Michelle and Carol go prop shopping. Let's just say that some of the costumes they try out are not exactly suitable for presenting a children's toy. Michelle's inner shame kicks in quite quickly, but Ruby's having none of it: "it's for kids! It's for Africa!" They do end up buying some things which seem to be mannequin limbs, and then Ruby can't open the door to get out.
Gok, Alan and Gerald shop for their own costumes and props. Gok is looking for things on a princess theme: "if Jordan were to throw up, it's what would come out." Silicone? Collagen? Bile? Gok continues to annoy, having given his list of requirements: "Is that cool? I'm beginning to feel a bit stressed out about it." I'm sure the woman taking your order does not give one tiny shit about your stress levels, Gok. Still, to his credit, he has a very clear idea of what he wants. In the cab on the way back, Gerald and Alan needle Gok by sarcastically claiming he's not pulling his weight. This would probably work better if either of them had been seen to do anything whatsoever on the outfit-shopping trip.
Day 3 is upon us, and the teams have eight hours left before they have to present their new toys. Ruby, Carol and Michelle are dressing the girls' room. Apparently the legs are to sit on the tables as centrepieces. Michelle is working out a presentation schedule down to the nanosecond. Patsy and Fiona are back in the hotel making costumes, and Patsy is complaining that they aren't getting to do anything exciting. Fiona, sensibly, is not getting involved beyond the occasional "mmm" and "yeah". Patsy whinges that obviously they've been correctly deployed in this task "because you're not really a presenter and I'm not really an actress." Patsy? When you are making Fiona Phillips look like the calm, mature, sane person in a partnership, something is very wrong.
At the hotel, Jack and Jonathan are preparing their pitch. Well, to be strictly honest: Jack is preparing the pitch, and Jonathan is being Jonathan. Jonathan freestyles a variety of "comedy" bits to work the room, eventually asking Jack what he thinks. "For the last five minutes, I haven't been listening to you," Jack replies.
Gok dresses the dancers for their presentation as children's storybook characters. Alan assists. That's pretty much all that happens in this scene. Next!
Jack prepares the presentation, while Jonathan: belches in his ear, tightrope-walks along the back of the sofa, fires a toy gun at him, falls asleep on an inflatable chair, and lounges on the sofa. That Jack does not at any point lamp him one is a testament to the true power of human patience. I wouldn't have lasted five minutes before battering him to death with a Bob The Builder.
Fiona and Patsy arrive at County Hall with their costumes, and Patsy is to choreograph the dancers. Michelle tells her they have to be out of the room in one hour. In probably the most classless moment of the entire show, Patsy confessionalises about how fed up she is with Michelle while standing a maximum of about two metres away from her, and she's clearly not making any effort to keep her voice down. Yeah, that's professional.
And so Michelle and Patsy have their bust-up, which stems from Michelle The OCD Psycho repeatedly telling Patsy that she needs to go and sort out a routine with the dancers while Patsy The Tantrum Throwing Teenager insists that she knows that and is in fact in the middle of it. It is the most pointless argument ever, and both of them are acting like assholes, but Michelle emerges from the whole thing with slightly less credibility than she went in with because of her outright determination to have the last word. And since her final assertion to Patsy that she has one hour with which to sort out the dancers is met with a clipped "piss off!", she doesn't even manage that. This, by the way, is pretty much exactly how you don't do conflict resolution, on both sides. And then Patsy bitches to the dancers and decides she's going to walk out. Fiona tries to stop her, but Patsy's having none of it. Margaret looks unimpressed. "You can't top this, can you?" confessionalises Ruby. "We just need a few more people here to be on the girls' team otherwise I'll be alone with a couple of mirrors so it looks like there's a crowd."
Jack and Jonathan arrive at County Hall, with Jack kvetching that Jonathan has wasted the morning. "I think I've done exactly what was required of me," Jonathan. Oh, if looks could kill. Gok prepares the dancers.
Elsewhere, Patsy prepares her own dancers and there is an uneasy truce with Michelle. Patsy confessionalises that she was ready to leave, but then she called her husband who reminded her how much this all meant to her. Translation: she called her husband who pointed out she'd look like a bint of epic proportion if she walked out on a charity TV show. We see the routine, and it is actually pretty cute. The team gives Patsy a round of applause. Michelle thinks they're going to win based on their presentation, their product and their commercial.
Bigwigs of all kinds arrive at County Hall, where the men's team will be the first to present their pitch. Jonathan leads the pitch, and they show their commercial. The commercial is okay, I guess - it's not the most sophisticated advert I've ever seen, but given the amount of time they had to prepare it, it's capable enough. The price, incidentally, is £7.99 for the belt, which includes a free "Swappy" worth £1.50. Jonathan explains that kids like to collect and swap, and they like trends - the fact that the belt doesn't look good with only one swappy on it provides the incentive to buy more trinkets.
Gerald takes over to talk numbers, and gets off to a poor start by saying "profit is sanity, turnover itself is just vanity", a saying he attributes to Sralan, but which Sralan corrects him from the crowd was actually uttered by "some schmuck on Dragons' Den." PRESENTATION FAIL. Gerald says they are hoping kids will buy 40 or 50 swappies. They show off the characters for the belt, with names like Princess Chakhra and Bootay. Someone in the crowd asks how many they'll need to sell to get it to craze proportions. Gerald says it will be a "shit or bust" product, which is ill-advised, explaining that it will either fall flat on its face or really take off. Wow, that just fills you with confidence, doesn't it? [Proving his PR skills haven't exactly improved in the last 20 years, there - Rad] Backstage, they think they really nailed it.
The women prepare for their presentation, which Ruby and Carol are doing, attired in bright blue and pink wigs. They've had their own adult-sized costumes manufactured for the purposes of the presentation. The whole thing is deliberately very stilted, but still awkward in the wrong sort of way. Apparently they've now turned it into some kind of Twister ripoff where you roll a dice to tell you which part of your partner's body you have to attach a limb to. I dunno, I think they're overcomplicating it - just get kids to put the suit on and throw themselves at each other, I reckon that's all you need. [See, I thought the Twister idea was good, but clearly it's only me and the team that think that way - Rad] Their commercial is no more sophisticated than the men's, but does at least do a slighty better job of explaining the point of their product. Theirs is priced at £14.99. A toy manufacturer called Mark suggests that young boys don't like to be intimate with their peers. Patsy says that when they filmed the advert, the boys didn't show any signs of hesitancy in putting the suits on and rubbing up against each other (there was no way of phrasing that that didn't sound wrong, I swear), but then queers her pitch by going "we're talking about babies! They shouldn't have a problem with intimacy," which is far too Oprah an answer for the question, and inexplicably merits a round of applause, and seriously, Patsy: five-to-eight year olds are not babies. A man sitting next to Margaret suggests the product is for 50- to 80-year olds. Fiona says that there's plenty of room for brand expansion. And then they end with their dancers, which just seems like really poor sequencing to me. They hug backstage, and now Sralan must decide who wins.
A little smidgen of London porn before the cars come to collect the teams from their hotels and take them to the boardroom. Jonathan says that if they lose, he's going to steal something from the boardroom for posterity, like Margaret. Michelle says she's taken this all very seriously, and is worried because she's never been fired before. Gok thinks the presentation went really well and they all played to their strengths. They arrive in the holding area, and NotFrances sends them in.
Sralan asks the ladies if they were pleased with their team manager. "Absolutely!" says Carol. "Not really, all the time," says Patsy, explaining that they didn't always think they were led very well. Sralan wonders if this is because she's not used to being told what to do. Patsy says that she doesn't mind that, but that half the time they didn't know what they were supposed to be doing, which is the opposite of the argument she had with Michelle at County Hall, so who even knows at this point? Michelle says she handled it to the best of her ability, and that Patsy wanted to work on her own. Carol says that she thinks they've got a fantastic product, and they had a great launch, and that was the business.
Sralan turns to the men, who think Gerald was a great team leader. Gerald says it was difficult to keep everyone under control because it's in Jonathan's nature to want to monopolise. Jonathan says that he felt utilised, and then compliments Sralan on his shirt. This does not wash with Sralan. Jack suggests firing whoever counts the chairs, "because both times I've been in here, I didn't get a chair, and Fiona's the same." Hee. Sralan says that one of the blokes from the toy company said that the product isn't marketable in its current form, because of the dice-throwing - that you should just put the suits on the kids and leave them to it. Also, the pink and blue theme was not wanted. Ruby says that they didn't want pink, and Sralan says that they should've said that last night.
Sralan turns to the boys, who are homing in on collectability which they know is big right now, because as Jack explains, between him and Gerald and Jonathan they have 10 children. (Gok and Alan don't have any, LOLGAY, and honestly, Jack, I thought you were above that.) Sralan presents a potential error here, in getting the product off the ground, because the items like that are very expensive to manufacture - a single-impression injection moulding tool costs around $60,000, and a multiple-moulding tool that makes several could cost around a quarter of a million USD. Given that they have 40-odd clip-on toys to manufacture, essentially this would make their business prohibitively expensive from a start-up point of view. Sralan, with the help of Carol's much-sharper-now mental arithmetic projects their net profit would be arond £210,000, which would not leave them much money for the necessary TV ad campaign to launch a craze of this nature. Jonathan admits they didn't cost it thoroughly enough. Sralan says that the task was to create a business with legs.
Sralan says that it's a very close-run thing, but after careful consideration of everything he'd been told by his associates in the toy manufacturing industry, the girls' product wins. Much celebratory cheering and hugging from Team Oestrogen. Jonathan congratulates them and the men clap, a little sadly. Sralan says that the winning team's treat is not having to work for him. He thanks them on behalf of Comic Relief and says that they are looking into getting the product manufactured. Carol suggests adult-sized versions as well, heh.
Sralan says that the boys lost because their proposition was not viable, and sends them out while he mulls it over with Nick and Margaret to decide who will get fired. Ruth will be on hand to recap that for you very soon! [Well, probably sometime tonight, as I am out all afternoon... but they kept us waiting forever for the result on the real night, so it's only fair to replicate the suspense - Rad]
Thursday, 12 March 2009
The Bitch is Back!
Sralan and co will be back in a couple of weeks with a new series, and we'll be back here recapping and carping as usual.
However, tonight is the always wonderful Comic Relief Does the Apprentice, with the denoument (and firing) tomorrow. We will be here over the weekend recapping what went on, but in the meantime, Steve's previewed it over on Lowculture...
However, tonight is the always wonderful Comic Relief Does the Apprentice, with the denoument (and firing) tomorrow. We will be here over the weekend recapping what went on, but in the meantime, Steve's previewed it over on Lowculture...
Wednesday, 11 June 2008
Kicking up a stink
Week 12: The final
Broadcast Wednesday 11th June
So here we are, the final stretch of what has been an entertaining, if infuriating, fourth series of The Apprentice, and Fiona and I will be here all night to recap it for you, LIVE! with accompanying typos and missed bits (we're sure the boys will add those in later).
So let us recap where we were. Sixteen 'tycoons of tomorrow' have come to London to seek a terrible jon in NotAmstrad and work for 'Britain's most beligerent boss'. Several tasks made of fail and multiple bullshit firings later, here we are at the final. If you weren't here last week, the rottweilers ripped them to shreds(ish), Lee got found out as a CV-enhancing liar, Claire was Claire, Helene had a tragic background (wrong show) and Alex was 24. And young. And 24. And Lucinda got fired for being too zany. Booo, but also good for her, because Not Amstrad strikes me as a very grey kind of place to work anyway.
And in a SHOCK! TWIST! Sralan decided not to have a mere two people in the final but to have four, because they were all 'credible candidates' (read: he wanted them all to work at NotAmsrad for a few months so he could see whose spirit he'd managed to crush the most). And in case you've forgotten, here's a brief recap of our runners and riders:
Lee McQueen
Has an unfortunate habit of speaking about himself in the third person, knows what he's talking about, even if he's never made that explicit to the rest of us, is the only person in the country (perhaps the world) who knows what a reverse pterodactyl looks and sounds like, only spent four months at uni before dropping out, not two years, can't spell and looks somewhat older than his 30 years. However, he does have a degree of task competence, is a good motivator and team leader and Fiona likes his bottom.
Helene Speight
She has large eyes that mean she can sometimes look quite attractive and at other times like a Kit Kat clock (circa Charlie Brooker). Is tall and looks like she could be quite imposing, but somehow misread her brief and thought it said 'quiet' imposing so has thus stood around in the background most of the time. She is a ballsy woman. Depending on who is editing that week, she is either very competent or doesn't do anything, except perhaps bitch at Lucinda, but as that's not an option anymore, she'll have to actually do some work this week. Sralan doesn't like her much because she is 'tainted by working for a big corporation' and is a bladdy woman.
Claire Young
A German Shepherd/Rottweiler hybrid (in her own words), Claire has gone on the bigest journey (drrrrrrrink) of the series, from being loud mouthed and bitchy, to being a bit less loudmouthed and a bit less bitchy. But hey, this is The Apprentice, any progress at all is a miracle. She is generally competent and likeable and she wouldn't kiss a snake for a million pounds, not even if Sralan told her too, but she would suck the lips off that Paul fella who did the interviews last week.
Alex Wotherspoon
Alex is young, he's only 24 you know. Has an annoying habit of pouting and chewing the inside of his cheek. Is 24. Has hypnotised all his project managers, Sralan, the interviewers and even Nick Hewer by his good looks and magic cock. Is 24. Allegedly sold rocks for £7000 a week with his brother. Has achieved a lot for his age, which is 24. Is a passive aggressive, defensive prima donna. Who is 24.
Tonight we will be watching Claire and Lee and Alex and Helene, with an assortment of former candidates, trying to create and flog some new men's fragrances. Join us at 9 for the inevitable crushing disappointment as Alex wins. It's the final cuntdown!
In the car on the way to meet Sralan. They are at a posh restaurant - or semi-posh, as he 'doesn't have £800million from splashing out on lobster dinners' (circa Claire). Lee tells Sralan he supports Tottenham Hotspur. Nicholas deLacy Brown, that was what you should have said in week one. Helene talks about how they all need to raise their game, and there no strong, oops, I mean, weak link now. Sralan makes a feeble joke about Lee paying for their meals. My sides.
NotFrances calls them, but they seem ready this time, boring shot of Lee shaving (but at least no more shots of Michael in his pants). Today's destination is an empty art gallery. Fiona says it's the same one we've seen before, which it probably is. Some dreadful music plays in the background.
Srlan tells them there'll be two teams: Claire/Lee, Alex/Helene. They will be joint team leaders (how does that work?) A motley parade wanders in to help them: Jenny Celery, Raef, Sophocles, The Best Salesperson in Europe, Matt Lucas and Simon. The Best Salesperson is the last to be picked, so so much for her mad salez skillz. Wot no Lucinda or NDLB? Gip. He tells them the task: design and pitch a fragrance. Both losers will 'leave this process' (not get fired) and one of the people in the winning team will win. Sralan desn't say what criteria he will judge that on.
In the cab Helene lies to Alex that she would have chosen him over the others t work with and in their cab, Lee and Claire discuss being sick together. Yum.
The fragrance has to retail for £29.99 and they show lots of good adverts of men's frgrances to show us what they won't do tonight.
Lee and Helene have Kevin, Raef and BSIE on their team. Alex reminds us he is 24 years of age, he is young, he has the full package. Fiona doesn't want to think about Alex's package and then dissolves in girly giggles so I think she protests too much.
Lee's team has Jenny Celery, Simon and Sophocles. Claire, Sophocles and Simon do a focus group with sme very manly men who may or may not be lorry drivers or similar, as they are wearing some kind of polo shirt uniform. Their plan is to buck the 'metrosexual trend' and go for a 'macho brand' and I smell the scent of FAIL already.
Lee says he doesn't know many men who don't want to smell like James Bond. Fiona says she's married to one.
Alex's team don't know what to do. Kevin and Alex laugh about him smell like 'stimulate'. They discuss brand titles: enigma, trust, connect. Helene, BSIE and Raef hate them all. Kevin bitches that Helene isn't good at making decisions (says him). Fiona suggests they call the fragrance domineering.
Back with the other team, and Celery is wearing some kinky boots.
Kevin pieces to camera that he left the programme too early (srsly?) and wants to prove things today. He and Alex meet with the designers but have no roduct name to base the design on. The designers look exasperated as designers on this show always do. Kevin tells the designer he wants it to feel like the exterior of a stress ball. The designer tells him that his idea is ludicrous.
They have some kind of funky bottle design now, but no name. He tries to describe it to Helene but she is panicking about the name. He says 'you're not panicking are you?' She clearly is. He tries to describe the bottle and she says she has to go. Clearly there is more going on than we are allowed to see but clearly Helene is getting the LOSE edit, at least for now. The Best Salesperson in Europe bitches about Helene.
Lee is in the car making beatbox noises and talking about glow sticks and lights going on a roulette wheel. Clealry he has a nu-rave mets casino theme for his party. And that's what he's talking about. We are told he has won the most tasks of those left but he is nervous about pitching. Yes, because he sucks at it.
Today they have to sort out their presentation and design their advert. Raef is doing his auteur director bit for the campaign for 'Dual', which arrives in a very '80s style silver and black canister. Nick is all like Helene sucks, I LOVE ALEX. Nick is 'buoyed' apparently.
Helene is at a fragrance house and they play twee music that Fiona tinks may have been used in the House of Elliot. She points out that Alex and Helene aren't working together. They discuss fragrances, the perfumier suggests chocolate, curry, candy floss. Helene worries that you don't want to smell like a chicken balti.
Lee's idea is to revive 'the old fashioned gambling gentleman' and the location for their ad is a nightclub. Sophocles is behind the camera again, proving that neither he nor Raef have learned from the task fail before. Lee pulls a sex face and the whole nation feels dirty. He porn directs the models with phrases like 'you've wanted him for months'.
Helene and Alex bitch at each other about what time to get out of bed. They are like an old married couple; Claire will be jealous. Jenny M intervenes and bitches for no reason. They waffle on some more about what time to get up and it's a bit tedious.
Alex accuses Helene of being defensive which is the biggest case of pot and kettle the world has ever seen.
Claire and Lee hang their adverts and they are shockingly, awfully, terrible, like a low-budget 70s film with a leading man that looks like Lee without the scars. FAIL. But then all adverts produced in this show are FAIL so it means nothing. They practice their pitch and Lee stumbles. Here we would ask why Claire isn't doing it but we imagine they both have to do something. Claire tries to encourage him but he is very downbeat.
Alex and Helene are in the car, sitting as far apart from each other as possible and not speaking. Helene has her hair up and it doesn't look great. They and their team arrive at the location. The fragrance smells very chocolatey and they all look worried. Fiona thinks they have formulated the new chocolate Lynx.
Lee is stuttering outside and Claire is being all encouraging.
Time to practise the Dual pitch. Alex is pitching to a fake customer called Adam, who is 26 (not 24 and therefore not young), who works in a bank (doesn't sell grit) and it's all very reminiscent of Mavis, the home shopper.
Kevin says he wants to inject something into Helene (erk) and tries to show them how to pitch. Right.
We see the guests arriving, among them are 'top people' from perfume houses.
Roulette are up first, and here I think they should have just called the bottles Alpha and Rennaissance. Claire cries a bit and Lee says he's worked his tits off (with Helene and her balls, this Apprentice series is very gender challenged). At the event we have a casino layout, with a Christopher Lloyd lookalike juggleing glowsticks and some Moulin Rouge style dancers. We are confused and wish we had drugs and alcohol to help us make sense of this.
Claire pitches that gambling is important and this and fragrance are two booming industries. She gives cliches about placing a bet and really she is way too cheesy. Lee is up and says their guy is Wyan who is sick of metrosexuality and wants to look like a man and smell like a man. The guests look unimpressed and snigger at the smell like a man bit. The advert is rubish but at least shows the perfume, along with cheesy shots of the roulette and the couple. It's about forty years out of date though. The strapline is 'make the roules' which doesn't fit with the name Roulette. Claire says men are sick of smelling like their girlfriends and their fragrance smells of amber, Oriental spices and animals. Lots of gay botoxed men stick white strips up their noses.
They have some questions. One woman says she doesn't want to be endorsing gambling through her own brand. Claire BSes about the man who uses the perfume making his own rules. Claire says she hopes the other team balls it up because she wants to win. So you want to be the least worst then? Lofty ambition.
Alex and Helene have some martial-arty-shadow-boxers to launch theirs. Alex tells us we are going on a journey tonight (drrink). He tells us about Adam who lives in a cosmopolitan 24-hour society, and wants to release his inner self. He is the opposite of Wyan then.
They unveil Dual. Helene says there is nothing else like it: yuo can take out a 25mil bit from it but it isn't clear what the big bit does. She says it is something new that will stand out and their pitch is all a bit basic but probably better than the other team's in fairness. Their advert shows a young man being a twat, with some shape shifting action going on and a Raef vo about 'Dual: release your inner self' but the product doesn't appear til the end which Sralan won't like. One of the people in the audience loves the ad, says the message is coherent and Sralan is smiling. FUCKING ALEX IS GOING TO WIN, NO?
Someone asks them if they've done their pricing research. Alex says it would cost a few 'percentage points' more to make. What about pounds and pence, pretty boy? Sralan is sitting near Tim.
Some people there like the product but not the packaging. Some say Roulette owuld work immediately but wouldn't sell for long.
The voiceover growls that Sralans boardroom beckons, in the air the scent of victory andthe smell of defeat. The music playing sounds like Eminem's Lose Yourself and as they go into the boardroom, may I just point out the photos on the waiting room wall were taken by Dave Gorman.
Sralan asks Michael how Claire and Lee were. He says they were great. Jenny Celery and Simon don't say much, having been muted out of the whole programme so far. Claire says consumers want to smell like a man not unisex. Sralan tries to find out whether any of the apprentices are metrosexual. All but Simon, apparently. And Sralan and Nick, I imagine. Sralan questions them on the gambling. Claire says they were careful not to use gambling or chance in their ad or presentation. Nick says roulette=gambling, debt, misry. Some of the experts said the fragrance was 70s, which is exactly what we said some paragraphs up. We know our stuff.
Oh, Alex and Helene's team are Renaissance apparently. Alex tells them about the problems of deciding on a name. Kevin says Alex made all the decisions. Helene says she isn't surprised by the response ad that she helped guide the team discussions and chose how to spell 'dual', a job Lee McQueen clearly wouldn't have been able to do. Sralan says their fragrance was distinctive but he didn't like it. He asked Helene what she wears. She says Angel. Sralan said people had said it smelled like Angel/Amen. Sralan asks who designed the bottle and Alex pussyfoots around the fact that it was the designer's idea.
Sralan thanks the mostly quiet former apprentices and they leave. He tells 'Alpha' they made a mistake with the name roulette, that Lee's presentation has improved and Claire's Q and A was brilliant, but Q and A doesn't sell. Sralan tells Renaissance that the business side had slipped their mind because the packaging would cost 3-4 times more than the standard fragrance bottle. Sralan talks a bit of maths and says they have nothing left for marketing. He accuses them of not doing their sums and Helene says they didnt before Alex can pretend they did in some kind of roundabout way.
Sralan said the task was made up of several elements to bring his concerns to a crescendo and see whether they've signed on (what, like the 12 losers do each week at their local jobcentre plus?). Alex and Helene are fired and though I am sad that Helene is gone because I have her in a sweepy we are both very happy Alex is gone and Fiona is excited because Claire is her sweepy. And Alex is a cunt. We are so glad Alex has gone.
He cries in the car. He's only a baby, only 24, you know. Helene says they failed because of the bottle and blames Alex basically. Neither of them gets to wear a funky eviction coat. Alex goes on about being passionate and not eating. Fiona points out that Claire's been eating. And Sophocles proably. Alex is heartbroken.
We, and the nation, are probably going to be happy whatever. Margaret says they worked well together and managed the team well. I call Lee to win because the ballsy woman always, always comes second.
For some reason all their team are back in the boardroom, oh, it's to give opinions. Michael says Claire has shown tenacity and strength because of being in the boardroom. Simon says if you'd told his eight weeks ago he'd come back and champion Claire he have been surprised, but he loves both of them. Jenny Celery says Lee is an amazing guy and a real gentleman (which is not always true, as Sara and Lucinda could both attest to).
Claire pieces to camera that Lee would have cracked under pressure were it not for her. Lee says he WANTS it, because it's all about that andnot about competence.
Fiona thinks Claire will win, which is the opposite to me. Essex council have apparently offered an unspecified job to the runner up, so wit-woo, they both have the chance of some underwhelming work ahead.
Sralan asks why he should hire them. Claire says she has improved and she wants to keep improving. She says she is tougher than Lee and won't crumble, that she has more drive and she wants it more. Lee says he wants it more than anyone else in the process, that he has shown his leadership and sales abilities and his skills make him the next apprentice. Claire says she's proved it because most people would have cracked under the pressure. Randomly, Lee's gramar is better than Claire's today. Sralan questions Lee's self-confidence and whether he can keep going. Lee says he does and pulls himself together. Sralan says Claire has a point about resilience and Lee is good, doesn't she think? She says she's not interrupting.
Sralan worries whether Lee is a one-trick pony in terms of skills and he's not sure whether he can put up with someone like Claire. He likes Claire and Lee is very convincing. Lee - you're hired.
No alarms and no surprises and Claire joins Saira, Ruth and Kristina in the ballsy woman comes second camp, which I have been saying for weeks. Lee and Claire hug and she cries. Fiona says it's good because she's not sure what else Lee can do.
Lee is in the car saying it's unbelievable. Fiona says it looks like he really did want it.
Lee won a job selling advertising video screens. Umm, good for him.
That's all from us, but there'll be more bitching in August with The Bitch Factor, and join us for more Apprentice action next year! Probably!
Broadcast Wednesday 11th June
So here we are, the final stretch of what has been an entertaining, if infuriating, fourth series of The Apprentice, and Fiona and I will be here all night to recap it for you, LIVE! with accompanying typos and missed bits (we're sure the boys will add those in later).
So let us recap where we were. Sixteen 'tycoons of tomorrow' have come to London to seek a terrible jon in NotAmstrad and work for 'Britain's most beligerent boss'. Several tasks made of fail and multiple bullshit firings later, here we are at the final. If you weren't here last week, the rottweilers ripped them to shreds(ish), Lee got found out as a CV-enhancing liar, Claire was Claire, Helene had a tragic background (wrong show) and Alex was 24. And young. And 24. And Lucinda got fired for being too zany. Booo, but also good for her, because Not Amstrad strikes me as a very grey kind of place to work anyway.
And in a SHOCK! TWIST! Sralan decided not to have a mere two people in the final but to have four, because they were all 'credible candidates' (read: he wanted them all to work at NotAmsrad for a few months so he could see whose spirit he'd managed to crush the most). And in case you've forgotten, here's a brief recap of our runners and riders:
Lee McQueen
Has an unfortunate habit of speaking about himself in the third person, knows what he's talking about, even if he's never made that explicit to the rest of us, is the only person in the country (perhaps the world) who knows what a reverse pterodactyl looks and sounds like, only spent four months at uni before dropping out, not two years, can't spell and looks somewhat older than his 30 years. However, he does have a degree of task competence, is a good motivator and team leader and Fiona likes his bottom.
Helene Speight
She has large eyes that mean she can sometimes look quite attractive and at other times like a Kit Kat clock (circa Charlie Brooker). Is tall and looks like she could be quite imposing, but somehow misread her brief and thought it said 'quiet' imposing so has thus stood around in the background most of the time. She is a ballsy woman. Depending on who is editing that week, she is either very competent or doesn't do anything, except perhaps bitch at Lucinda, but as that's not an option anymore, she'll have to actually do some work this week. Sralan doesn't like her much because she is 'tainted by working for a big corporation' and is a bladdy woman.
Claire Young
A German Shepherd/Rottweiler hybrid (in her own words), Claire has gone on the bigest journey (drrrrrrrink) of the series, from being loud mouthed and bitchy, to being a bit less loudmouthed and a bit less bitchy. But hey, this is The Apprentice, any progress at all is a miracle. She is generally competent and likeable and she wouldn't kiss a snake for a million pounds, not even if Sralan told her too, but she would suck the lips off that Paul fella who did the interviews last week.
Alex Wotherspoon
Alex is young, he's only 24 you know. Has an annoying habit of pouting and chewing the inside of his cheek. Is 24. Has hypnotised all his project managers, Sralan, the interviewers and even Nick Hewer by his good looks and magic cock. Is 24. Allegedly sold rocks for £7000 a week with his brother. Has achieved a lot for his age, which is 24. Is a passive aggressive, defensive prima donna. Who is 24.
Tonight we will be watching Claire and Lee and Alex and Helene, with an assortment of former candidates, trying to create and flog some new men's fragrances. Join us at 9 for the inevitable crushing disappointment as Alex wins. It's the final cuntdown!
In the car on the way to meet Sralan. They are at a posh restaurant - or semi-posh, as he 'doesn't have £800million from splashing out on lobster dinners' (circa Claire). Lee tells Sralan he supports Tottenham Hotspur. Nicholas deLacy Brown, that was what you should have said in week one. Helene talks about how they all need to raise their game, and there no strong, oops, I mean, weak link now. Sralan makes a feeble joke about Lee paying for their meals. My sides.
NotFrances calls them, but they seem ready this time, boring shot of Lee shaving (but at least no more shots of Michael in his pants). Today's destination is an empty art gallery. Fiona says it's the same one we've seen before, which it probably is. Some dreadful music plays in the background.
Srlan tells them there'll be two teams: Claire/Lee, Alex/Helene. They will be joint team leaders (how does that work?) A motley parade wanders in to help them: Jenny Celery, Raef, Sophocles, The Best Salesperson in Europe, Matt Lucas and Simon. The Best Salesperson is the last to be picked, so so much for her mad salez skillz. Wot no Lucinda or NDLB? Gip. He tells them the task: design and pitch a fragrance. Both losers will 'leave this process' (not get fired) and one of the people in the winning team will win. Sralan desn't say what criteria he will judge that on.
In the cab Helene lies to Alex that she would have chosen him over the others t work with and in their cab, Lee and Claire discuss being sick together. Yum.
The fragrance has to retail for £29.99 and they show lots of good adverts of men's frgrances to show us what they won't do tonight.
Lee and Helene have Kevin, Raef and BSIE on their team. Alex reminds us he is 24 years of age, he is young, he has the full package. Fiona doesn't want to think about Alex's package and then dissolves in girly giggles so I think she protests too much.
Lee's team has Jenny Celery, Simon and Sophocles. Claire, Sophocles and Simon do a focus group with sme very manly men who may or may not be lorry drivers or similar, as they are wearing some kind of polo shirt uniform. Their plan is to buck the 'metrosexual trend' and go for a 'macho brand' and I smell the scent of FAIL already.
Lee says he doesn't know many men who don't want to smell like James Bond. Fiona says she's married to one.
Alex's team don't know what to do. Kevin and Alex laugh about him smell like 'stimulate'. They discuss brand titles: enigma, trust, connect. Helene, BSIE and Raef hate them all. Kevin bitches that Helene isn't good at making decisions (says him). Fiona suggests they call the fragrance domineering.
Back with the other team, and Celery is wearing some kinky boots.
Kevin pieces to camera that he left the programme too early (srsly?) and wants to prove things today. He and Alex meet with the designers but have no roduct name to base the design on. The designers look exasperated as designers on this show always do. Kevin tells the designer he wants it to feel like the exterior of a stress ball. The designer tells him that his idea is ludicrous.
They have some kind of funky bottle design now, but no name. He tries to describe it to Helene but she is panicking about the name. He says 'you're not panicking are you?' She clearly is. He tries to describe the bottle and she says she has to go. Clearly there is more going on than we are allowed to see but clearly Helene is getting the LOSE edit, at least for now. The Best Salesperson in Europe bitches about Helene.
Lee is in the car making beatbox noises and talking about glow sticks and lights going on a roulette wheel. Clealry he has a nu-rave mets casino theme for his party. And that's what he's talking about. We are told he has won the most tasks of those left but he is nervous about pitching. Yes, because he sucks at it.
Today they have to sort out their presentation and design their advert. Raef is doing his auteur director bit for the campaign for 'Dual', which arrives in a very '80s style silver and black canister. Nick is all like Helene sucks, I LOVE ALEX. Nick is 'buoyed' apparently.
Helene is at a fragrance house and they play twee music that Fiona tinks may have been used in the House of Elliot. She points out that Alex and Helene aren't working together. They discuss fragrances, the perfumier suggests chocolate, curry, candy floss. Helene worries that you don't want to smell like a chicken balti.
Lee's idea is to revive 'the old fashioned gambling gentleman' and the location for their ad is a nightclub. Sophocles is behind the camera again, proving that neither he nor Raef have learned from the task fail before. Lee pulls a sex face and the whole nation feels dirty. He porn directs the models with phrases like 'you've wanted him for months'.
Helene and Alex bitch at each other about what time to get out of bed. They are like an old married couple; Claire will be jealous. Jenny M intervenes and bitches for no reason. They waffle on some more about what time to get up and it's a bit tedious.
Alex accuses Helene of being defensive which is the biggest case of pot and kettle the world has ever seen.
Claire and Lee hang their adverts and they are shockingly, awfully, terrible, like a low-budget 70s film with a leading man that looks like Lee without the scars. FAIL. But then all adverts produced in this show are FAIL so it means nothing. They practice their pitch and Lee stumbles. Here we would ask why Claire isn't doing it but we imagine they both have to do something. Claire tries to encourage him but he is very downbeat.
Alex and Helene are in the car, sitting as far apart from each other as possible and not speaking. Helene has her hair up and it doesn't look great. They and their team arrive at the location. The fragrance smells very chocolatey and they all look worried. Fiona thinks they have formulated the new chocolate Lynx.
Lee is stuttering outside and Claire is being all encouraging.
Time to practise the Dual pitch. Alex is pitching to a fake customer called Adam, who is 26 (not 24 and therefore not young), who works in a bank (doesn't sell grit) and it's all very reminiscent of Mavis, the home shopper.
Kevin says he wants to inject something into Helene (erk) and tries to show them how to pitch. Right.
We see the guests arriving, among them are 'top people' from perfume houses.
Roulette are up first, and here I think they should have just called the bottles Alpha and Rennaissance. Claire cries a bit and Lee says he's worked his tits off (with Helene and her balls, this Apprentice series is very gender challenged). At the event we have a casino layout, with a Christopher Lloyd lookalike juggleing glowsticks and some Moulin Rouge style dancers. We are confused and wish we had drugs and alcohol to help us make sense of this.
Claire pitches that gambling is important and this and fragrance are two booming industries. She gives cliches about placing a bet and really she is way too cheesy. Lee is up and says their guy is Wyan who is sick of metrosexuality and wants to look like a man and smell like a man. The guests look unimpressed and snigger at the smell like a man bit. The advert is rubish but at least shows the perfume, along with cheesy shots of the roulette and the couple. It's about forty years out of date though. The strapline is 'make the roules' which doesn't fit with the name Roulette. Claire says men are sick of smelling like their girlfriends and their fragrance smells of amber, Oriental spices and animals. Lots of gay botoxed men stick white strips up their noses.
They have some questions. One woman says she doesn't want to be endorsing gambling through her own brand. Claire BSes about the man who uses the perfume making his own rules. Claire says she hopes the other team balls it up because she wants to win. So you want to be the least worst then? Lofty ambition.
Alex and Helene have some martial-arty-shadow-boxers to launch theirs. Alex tells us we are going on a journey tonight (drrink). He tells us about Adam who lives in a cosmopolitan 24-hour society, and wants to release his inner self. He is the opposite of Wyan then.
They unveil Dual. Helene says there is nothing else like it: yuo can take out a 25mil bit from it but it isn't clear what the big bit does. She says it is something new that will stand out and their pitch is all a bit basic but probably better than the other team's in fairness. Their advert shows a young man being a twat, with some shape shifting action going on and a Raef vo about 'Dual: release your inner self' but the product doesn't appear til the end which Sralan won't like. One of the people in the audience loves the ad, says the message is coherent and Sralan is smiling. FUCKING ALEX IS GOING TO WIN, NO?
Someone asks them if they've done their pricing research. Alex says it would cost a few 'percentage points' more to make. What about pounds and pence, pretty boy? Sralan is sitting near Tim.
Some people there like the product but not the packaging. Some say Roulette owuld work immediately but wouldn't sell for long.
The voiceover growls that Sralans boardroom beckons, in the air the scent of victory andthe smell of defeat. The music playing sounds like Eminem's Lose Yourself and as they go into the boardroom, may I just point out the photos on the waiting room wall were taken by Dave Gorman.
Sralan asks Michael how Claire and Lee were. He says they were great. Jenny Celery and Simon don't say much, having been muted out of the whole programme so far. Claire says consumers want to smell like a man not unisex. Sralan tries to find out whether any of the apprentices are metrosexual. All but Simon, apparently. And Sralan and Nick, I imagine. Sralan questions them on the gambling. Claire says they were careful not to use gambling or chance in their ad or presentation. Nick says roulette=gambling, debt, misry. Some of the experts said the fragrance was 70s, which is exactly what we said some paragraphs up. We know our stuff.
Oh, Alex and Helene's team are Renaissance apparently. Alex tells them about the problems of deciding on a name. Kevin says Alex made all the decisions. Helene says she isn't surprised by the response ad that she helped guide the team discussions and chose how to spell 'dual', a job Lee McQueen clearly wouldn't have been able to do. Sralan says their fragrance was distinctive but he didn't like it. He asked Helene what she wears. She says Angel. Sralan said people had said it smelled like Angel/Amen. Sralan asks who designed the bottle and Alex pussyfoots around the fact that it was the designer's idea.
Sralan thanks the mostly quiet former apprentices and they leave. He tells 'Alpha' they made a mistake with the name roulette, that Lee's presentation has improved and Claire's Q and A was brilliant, but Q and A doesn't sell. Sralan tells Renaissance that the business side had slipped their mind because the packaging would cost 3-4 times more than the standard fragrance bottle. Sralan talks a bit of maths and says they have nothing left for marketing. He accuses them of not doing their sums and Helene says they didnt before Alex can pretend they did in some kind of roundabout way.
Sralan said the task was made up of several elements to bring his concerns to a crescendo and see whether they've signed on (what, like the 12 losers do each week at their local jobcentre plus?). Alex and Helene are fired and though I am sad that Helene is gone because I have her in a sweepy we are both very happy Alex is gone and Fiona is excited because Claire is her sweepy. And Alex is a cunt. We are so glad Alex has gone.
He cries in the car. He's only a baby, only 24, you know. Helene says they failed because of the bottle and blames Alex basically. Neither of them gets to wear a funky eviction coat. Alex goes on about being passionate and not eating. Fiona points out that Claire's been eating. And Sophocles proably. Alex is heartbroken.
We, and the nation, are probably going to be happy whatever. Margaret says they worked well together and managed the team well. I call Lee to win because the ballsy woman always, always comes second.
For some reason all their team are back in the boardroom, oh, it's to give opinions. Michael says Claire has shown tenacity and strength because of being in the boardroom. Simon says if you'd told his eight weeks ago he'd come back and champion Claire he have been surprised, but he loves both of them. Jenny Celery says Lee is an amazing guy and a real gentleman (which is not always true, as Sara and Lucinda could both attest to).
Claire pieces to camera that Lee would have cracked under pressure were it not for her. Lee says he WANTS it, because it's all about that andnot about competence.
Fiona thinks Claire will win, which is the opposite to me. Essex council have apparently offered an unspecified job to the runner up, so wit-woo, they both have the chance of some underwhelming work ahead.
Sralan asks why he should hire them. Claire says she has improved and she wants to keep improving. She says she is tougher than Lee and won't crumble, that she has more drive and she wants it more. Lee says he wants it more than anyone else in the process, that he has shown his leadership and sales abilities and his skills make him the next apprentice. Claire says she's proved it because most people would have cracked under the pressure. Randomly, Lee's gramar is better than Claire's today. Sralan questions Lee's self-confidence and whether he can keep going. Lee says he does and pulls himself together. Sralan says Claire has a point about resilience and Lee is good, doesn't she think? She says she's not interrupting.
Sralan worries whether Lee is a one-trick pony in terms of skills and he's not sure whether he can put up with someone like Claire. He likes Claire and Lee is very convincing. Lee - you're hired.
No alarms and no surprises and Claire joins Saira, Ruth and Kristina in the ballsy woman comes second camp, which I have been saying for weeks. Lee and Claire hug and she cries. Fiona says it's good because she's not sure what else Lee can do.
Lee is in the car saying it's unbelievable. Fiona says it looks like he really did want it.
Lee won a job selling advertising video screens. Umm, good for him.
That's all from us, but there'll be more bitching in August with The Bitch Factor, and join us for more Apprentice action next year! Probably!
Live! Tonight! Crushing Disappointment!!!
Don't forget to join Fiona and me tonight, from 9pm, where we will be blogging the final. LIVE!
Thursday, 5 June 2008
Release the hounds.
Week Eleven. Original air date 4th June.
Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. These people want jobs. Sralan is as a god to you loathsome plebs. You know the score. Previously, the team tried to sell rides in cars. Michael’s insult your customer and then cry technique failed and he was, finally, fired. Lee was the ‘latest in a long line of project managers’ to clash with Lucinda.
Alex got £10,000 of business selling rides in shiny cars to men with small penises who wanted to compensate for it. He really was terribly good at that. Hmm. And apparently the economy really is in a bad state, because inflation is spiralling so badly that the £8,000 Alex made last week has risen to £10,000 in just a week. Stupid show. Sralan told Helene she was boring and shit.
Early morning call. Various candidates perform various ablutions. Shirtless Lee. Whatevs. Not/Frances phones. They’re off to one of Sralan’s head offices. They all know this is when Sralan sets his personal attack dogs on them. Lee is nervous because he’s going to get ‘an arsechewing’. His words, not mine.
Lucinda earns over £100,00 a year, and has been on the winning side on eight out of ten tasks. And should have won the icecream one except for stupid flukey last minute sales. She’s determined and stuff. Claire has six losses, the most. [Except Alex has also been on the losing team six times, and unlike Claire, has actually been the project manager of a losing team. Funny how that got brushed under the carpet. - Steve] She says losing is character building. I admire her stoicism but it’s not like she could say anything else. Lee has never been brought back in to the boardroom on a losing team. He tries to draw a football analogy. And fails.
In the car, Claire goes ‘it’s so exciting’ in a crazy voice. Heart Claire a little bit.
Alex draws attention to the fact that, at 24, he is YOUNG. His CV is not ‘long in the tooth’. He’s dynamic and agile. I’m not sure what he thinks the final job is going to be, where agility is part of the remit. Oh well, at least he didn’t say ‘supple’. Or ‘lithe’. Helene is a pricing leader for a global corporation. I still don’t know what that means. She claims she has a good CV and it’s not bullshit and she’s giving everything she’s got. Yawn.
Funky spy music plays as the cars pull up. Lucinda is resplendent in red. Sralan introduces the interviews. His rottweilers will report back and three people will get fired tomorrow.
Lee’s claims that his arse is on the floor because he’s shitting himself. Enough. I don’t even want to think about Alex’s arse, let alone Lee’s. [I still think about Lee's arse on occasion, but not in this context - Fiona]
Sralan’s rottweilers are:
Property magnate Paul Kemsley. He is assigned to go after strength of character in the candidates. He calls Alex boring.
Claude Litner was Sralan’s troubleshooter but is now his own boss. He calls Lucinda unemployable.
Gordon Catchup, CE of Viglen, says to Claire ‘you’re not the apprentice are you?’
Karren Brady, MD of Birmingham City football club, is A Bladdy Woman. She has to focus on personal strengths of the candidates, because god forbid a woman actually try to assess people on business acumen. She pwns lee on his skills.
All these people, with the possible exception of Brady, are vile, so I reserve the right to have spelt their names wrong and refer to them as different people.
Lee again says he’s nervous. WE GET IT. All his hard work could be out the window.
He says ‘good to meet ya’ to Paul. First impressions, Lee. Paul says that Lee’s CV says he uses humour to lighten things and asks Lee to perform his ‘reverse pterodactyl’ impression. Lee wheels his arms backwards and squawks. It’s bizarre. And I want to know what a forward pterodactyl looks like, and why a reverse one is necessary. Paul didn’t find it funny, and Sralan wouldn’t either. He asks why Lee didn’t say no, that it was a serious interview, and he wasn’t going to mess around. The answer is because Lee is a puppy dog who is so desperate to please that if you kicked him in the face he’d apologise for getting spittle on your shoes. But he tries to prove his seriousness, by giving an example of when he fired a 42 year old man with kids, who begged for his job. Nice. [And going on what happens later, I bet he totally made this up - Rad]
In the waiting room, Lee complains to Claire he was called nice. Claire’s like, that’s good! Lee says nice guys don’t win. Claire’s, like, ‘oh’. [Tim Campbell, nice guy, winner. Michelle Dewberry/Simon Ambrose - hardly nasty. Winners - Rad] [Tell that to Simon's former tenants. - Steve]
Claude says Lucinda is unemployable. She says that she’s a contractor and has never been out of work, so she’s not unemployable, you twat, as people keep employing her. He says ‘isn’t it because you’re unemployable?’ and somehow tries to twist the fact that Lucinda can swoop in and demand a massive amount of money for various companies into the fact that she can’t get a permanent job. It’s the weakest argument ever. He says that Lucinda is shit at teamwork. That’s fairer. She does tend to pout a bit when she’s not in charge. He asks how it was with the team mates. She says it was a struggle.
Claire says to Helene that Lucinda will stutter and get told to shut up and does a little posh ‘em.. hem…but I’ impression which, though mean, is not inaccurate. Lucinda says people don’t like her because nice voice and funny dress sense. Claude says ‘what about listening?’ Lucinda reiterates that she can do teamwork. Claude remains unconvinced. In the waiting room, Lucinda says to the others, ‘What am I doing here? Do I want to be a permanent employee with little diversity? I’d be crawling the walls.’ [Why does anyone want to work for NotAmstrad? It sounds dreadful. I still don't think Tim or Michelle have recovered - Rad]
Claude talks to Claire. He doesn’t like how she’s been in cosmetic, it seems, because he rants on about it. She was a club rep. OH! That makes so much sense. She claims that she likes a drink and likes boys, but hasn’t done anything her grandma would be embarrassed by. In her company, she increased profit to £8million. She’s on £85k, her bonus was £27k. He says that she’s shit at negotiating and should have got more money if she made that much profit. Outside, Claire says he was hot and Neanderthal and she should have sucked his lips off. [Yet another mental image I didn't need - Fiona]
One of the male rottweilers says to Alex, ‘you work in a supermarket?’ Alex is like, was fuck you I’m a regional manager. The bloke, says ‘Your CV is shit’. Alex thanks him. Karren asks Alex what his substance is. He says I’m great for my age, which is 24. I’m the best 24 year old ever and have achieved more than should ever be possible for one so very, very young. I’m practically a foetus. Karen says, ‘I ran a football club at 23, twatnut, what else you got?’
Claude questions why Alex has ‘English (fluent)’ listed on his CV. Is that not a given, pretty boy? [Well, Lee probably couldn't put that on his... - Steve] Alex says that he, at 24, is better than his friends, who are also 24, and went to private school for 14 years. Claude asks Alex what he’ll offer Sralan. Alex says he’s adaptable. And 24. Claude is like stop talking shit and give me something to work with. Alex claims to be ‘motivational’. So he doesn’t really say anything at all.
Helene talks about how she’s ballsy and a rottweiler is like ‘you’re not ballsy, you’re A Bladdy Woman’ and she’s like ‘I ran a team of all male engineers, and took over from a man in his 40s and they resisted and I whipped their sorry arses into show, the same way I will do yours if you continue to question my ballsiness.’ He’s like, but you ‘re leaving that job, with the implication that she can’t handle it and is, in fact, not ballsy, and she’s like yes I fucking am leaving cos I’m better than that job.
Brady asks Helene her best most defining experience. She talks about her alcoholic parents meaning she had to leave school really early and fought her way up. Credit where it’s due, she isn’t keen to talk about it and doesn’t seem entirely to rely on it, so she’d never get anywhere on the X Factor. Karen asks if it makes Helene a stronger candidate? Yes! She then tells Karren she struggled with the process cos she’s not used to being surrounded by 15 gobshites. Which, HA!, but also, perhaps not the best turn of phrase in a job interview.
Lucinda meets Paul. She likes pressing flowers, scuba diving and Chinese medicine. He then says she’s not a serious business woman. Because if she were a serious business woman, she’d be a man. He say she’ll probably fuck off and open a yoga retreat in Nepal. Because yoga is the same as aromatherapy and Chinese medicine if you’re A Tough No-Nonsense Businessman. Lucinda says that if she’d wanted to open a yoga retreat in Nepal she’d have done it by now. He says ‘are you motivated by money?’ and Lucinda totally pwns him with ‘no, because I earn in excess of what they’re offering’.
In the waiting area, they all sit about and bitch about Lucinda not wanting the job. Lucinda says she’s struggled with the process of people cackling and shoving. She says the process wasn’t fair. Paul is like ‘you’re a stupid gobby bitch who likes flowers and I hate you because you’re not a cunt’. Lucinda says, ‘nice to meet you anyway’.
Alex is told to find some energy. He goes on about being on full commission, which proves he has Hardcore Biznizz Skillz. His family got forced to move out…so they went to a farm and sold rocks and made money. And that’s entrepreneurial. Well done. I might have missed a step, but I swear that’s what he said. [He did - he and his brother sold rocks and made £7000 A WEEK. Of course they did. - Rad]
Scary cellos of doom.
Claude rips apart Lee’s application because he made about a million spelling mistakes. Lee is disappointed by his ‘grammical’ errors. Claude is like, did you do a degree pussy boy? Lee’s like, nah I’m thick. I did a two-year course for my catering managerness. Claude is like the uni says you were there 4 months! You lying little scrote. Cluade is worried that someone’s able to bullshit and Lee’s like i’m not going to bullshit and Claude’s like you just did. Lee’s got a blip in his integrity but he was ashamed about being thick. Poor Lee. It’s not his fault he’s badly educated and perhaps dyslexic, but lying on your CV for The Apprentice was bladdy stupid.
Helene’s form said ‘I’ve dipped my toe in the sea of success and am ready to dive into the ocean of opportunity.’ Oh man.
Claire says Sralan calls her big gob motor mouth but she doesn’t like all talk and no action, and she gets things done. She expects high standards and if she wants an email by 10 am she wants it there at 10 am. If she didn’t get it, she’d yell, and if she didn’t get it again, she’d stop working with that person.
Karren’s like why do you want it Lucinda? You earn more money, you’re doing what you like. Lucinda says it’s not money, she wants to be the best she can in a role that stretches her. Karren, being a nasty bitch, goes to the appearance well and is a bit snide about Lucinda’s colourful clothes and berets. Lucinda says that she stands out, which isn’t a bad thing, and the minute she opens her mouth they know she means business. Lee asks how she did. Lucinda says she felt better in the afternoon than the morning andnow she does want it.
Lucinda to-cameras that she’s glad to do it because she’s not a quitter. She’s got the skills and credibility and personality. Claire says for every her you need 10 quieter people, but people like her bring the business forward. Lee talks about being thick some more and says he made a mistake and learned from it. Not so much a mistake as a deliberate act, piggy, but I’ll let you off.
They’re all done. Back at the house, Lee says, ‘tomorrow, three of you will get fired’ and Alex is like three of YOU? Helene says there’s no shame in going in final five. Other than the shame of wanting to be on The Apprentice in the first place, of course.
Next day. Board room./ The rottweilers sit opposite Sralan, like candidates. Sralan thanks them for their time and so on.
Gordon says Alex is nice, positive, really wants the job. He was impressed that Alex was commission-only. Paul says he thinks Alex will be surprised because he likes him – he’s young (JUST 24!!!) and ambitious. Karren says he’s charming and good looking. We cut back to her interviewing him about his good looks, and she says he should embrace it and shouldn’t be ashamed of it. Sralan’s like ‘I’veve always traded on my looks’. They lol. Karren says Alex is The Apprentice. Nick suddenly loves him too. Paul says ‘junior apprentice’ and suggests he might need more training up. [They have all been hypnotised by has magic cock, just like all the PMs were. It's the only explanation! - Rad] Claude don’t like him.
Another bloke says Lucinda is brilliant, intelligent, and would be a disaster. Paul says she could aromatherapy the office. Because she is A Bladdy Woman and women only know about flowers and Lucinda is the floweriest of all. Karren says shut up you cunt. Sralan says she was on winning tasks eight times, and was great at leading. But is she good at being a team member? Margaret is like she’s shit at that, and has tantrums. Gordon says she’s shit and she doesn’t need the money. Sralan says ‘I’ll make you be her boss if you’re not careful.’ [Hee - Rad]
On Lee, Paul says the dinosaur impression was shit but Lee is nice. But he winked on his way out, which was bad. So Lee makes a bad first impression and a bad last impression. Good job. We see Karren making Lee sell her a crappy biro. He does quite well, but I’m doubting Karren’s business sense if the best challenge she can come up with is ‘sell me this pen’. Karren says it was good. It’s his big chance cos he’s cheesy and brash. George brings up the two years at uni lie. If he’s done as well as he’s claimed then he doesn’t need to do that. He’s got a hang up on his qualifications. Paul’s like, I lied about my qualifications too! It’s fine! Claude won't dismiss Lee out of hand.
Karren thinks Claire is fantastic, She knows everything about her business, and is a doer, and ‘if you don’t give her a job, I will’. She’s been on a journey. Oh, sorry. I mean, Been On A Journey. Claude doesn’t like her. Paul says she’s nice and he can see her in the canteen leading people in the Birdy Song because she is A Bladdy Woman. George says she won’t shut up. We cut to Claire gabbling about how she talks. Sralan talks about how she listened when he told her to shut up. One of the rottweilers says it’s an act and that she actually won’t shut up, ever. Which, so what? Whether she’s shut up or has pretended to shut up, so long as she’s quiet, who gives?
Claude likes Helene. She had a hard background. Sralan says ‘don’t care!’ [You cared a lot when it was Michelle, enough to fawn all over her and give her the job, you tosspot - Rad] Claude is like, ‘if you let me finish you cunt, she left school early because she was forced to work and not cos she’s thick and she’s actually kind of awesome’. Karren agrees. Paul says put her in the backroom because she is A Bladdy Woman and can’t be trusted. Karren says she lost her way a bit, but her upbringing is significant. Sralan says blah ‘I don’t like sob stories’ and Karren’s like, shut up, she’s good, her background is relevant, and she didn’t want to actually talk about it. Sralan thanks them all and especially Karren for being a lady. Srsly. He’s like, ‘and thanks especially to Karren for being A Bladdy Woman and giving us important perspective on Bladdy Woman issues like how the candidates smell and whether or not kittens are pretty’. [I'd have been more offended by this if Karren hadn't spent so long focusing on how pretty she thinks Alex is. - Steve]
Nick says that it’s odd that there was no clear favourite. Is it? Sralan says there are five good candidates and ‘Let’s call the apprentices in’. Apprentices in potentia, surely? Sralan says it was different from a task but still difficult. Sralan says to Alex – they don’t think you came alive in the interviews. Did you not think it was important? Alex is like I totally did but I don’t lose my temper. [No, he just gets snitty and defensive. That's way better. - Steve] Sralan is like I don’t like people who lose their temper. Alex manages not to lol in Sralan’s face and is like, l’m softly spoken but gave it my best. Sralan says Lee has worked in recruitment so it should have been a breeze. He asks what Lee thinks of people who overflower their CVs? What would you have done if someone had lied about education on their CV? Lee says he’d evaluate how important the lie was. Sralan says it puts into doubt how true the rest of his CV is.
Sralan says Claire took on board the too much talking thing. But you were talking again. Claire says they were intimidating and she’s chatty. So awesome. He says aren’t you lying and pretending to be quiet just to please me? Fuck off. That’s a bloody stupid thing to say and it doesn’t even matter. This really looks like they’re trying to build a ‘justification for Claire not getting the job’ edit. She says ‘I’ve changed since the first week, but I don’t think I should change completely.’ You go, girl.
Sralan says to Lucinda that as team leader, your teams thought you were great, but when you’re not in charge it’s crap. Lucinda says ‘I do like authority’ and Sralan says ‘I’m the boss’ and she’s like ‘I know you twat’. Another bullshit argument because, yes, she wouldn’t be in charge of everything, but she’d clearly be in charge of whatever wrecker’s yard in Basildon Sralan puts the apprentice in.
Alex sweeps in with a bit of ‘oh mim mim mim, by the way Miss, she said she didn’t want it’ and Lucinda’s like ‘I said I wasn’t sure, but I thought about it, and I do’ and Alex is like ‘you’re an airy fairy bitch’ and she’s like ‘I don’t need the job I want it, I’m taking a pay cut, so it’s obvious I want it, unlike you fucking wimps who are desperate, I can afford to do this for the hell of it’. Helene and Alex mim mim mim some more about how they do need the job. [Alex is such a disingenuous little snake. That was unforgivable, and I hope that every potential employer watching realises what a total bastard he is and never hires him for anything ever. - Steve]
Sralan says he has to decide who’s leaving and tells Helene that he’s a bit at sea with what she’s got to offer. Helene says ‘I’m not good at sales, but I did lots of things, unlike these twunts who do sales all the time and did sales when they came here, proving that they’re good at selling watches from the lining of a jacket, but little else. I’d have got fired from my Big American Company if I was shit, simple as that.’
He tells Alex that he’s young but ‘I want someone rounded’. Alex calls himself a partially painted canvas.
He tells Lucinda she’s a very clever lady, but asks if she’s channelled it correctly? She says she found it horrific to go through the process. He says ‘I warned you’. She’s like I lead awesomely and you know it. He says she’s too zany. And is fired. [Still - too zany is a fine enough reason to be fired - Rad] She gets her wheely case and leaves.
Lee is told to defend himself on CV lies. Lee says ‘I deliver! I have never failed to deliver as a leader or team member.’
Claire – ‘same thing, come on’. Not the same thing cos she didn’t change her CV so doesn’t have to defend it. She says she took a lot of critique – she means criticism – but kept coming back for more because she wants to learn. He goes on about how she talks too much and doesn’t listen. WHICH IS NOT TRUE.
But I’m going to let you stay. I’m going to let you all stay! Woohoo! Party! So yeah. They’re all in the final except Lucinda. Great. Sralan says ‘unusual final, but fair cos they’re all contenders’ [Or 'they're all bladdy useless, so let's see how they get on with a few months' working at NotAmstrad before I decide - Rad]
Eviction Coat watch. Kind of white and black giraffe print. Awesome, of course. Sralan says she’s a mystery and will never be in the company. Nick says ‘damn straight, girlfriend’. In the cab, Lucinda says she hasn’t been herself. She doesn’t yell about how she is great. Her accent wasn’t liked, the way she dresses wasn’t liked but she doesn’t care because ‘I am who I am and I don’t have to answer to them’. Go you! Heart Lucinda. She’s too good for this shit.
The final task is making a scent for men. It’s two teams of two. By the looks of it, Lee, rather than Claire, will be doing a sales pitch [and ditto for the other team, Alex pitching instead of Helene], which is an idea made of pure grade-A fail.
And next week we will be LIVE! BLOGGING! the final, so come and join us...
Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. These people want jobs. Sralan is as a god to you loathsome plebs. You know the score. Previously, the team tried to sell rides in cars. Michael’s insult your customer and then cry technique failed and he was, finally, fired. Lee was the ‘latest in a long line of project managers’ to clash with Lucinda.
Alex got £10,000 of business selling rides in shiny cars to men with small penises who wanted to compensate for it. He really was terribly good at that. Hmm. And apparently the economy really is in a bad state, because inflation is spiralling so badly that the £8,000 Alex made last week has risen to £10,000 in just a week. Stupid show. Sralan told Helene she was boring and shit.
Early morning call. Various candidates perform various ablutions. Shirtless Lee. Whatevs. Not/Frances phones. They’re off to one of Sralan’s head offices. They all know this is when Sralan sets his personal attack dogs on them. Lee is nervous because he’s going to get ‘an arsechewing’. His words, not mine.
Lucinda earns over £100,00 a year, and has been on the winning side on eight out of ten tasks. And should have won the icecream one except for stupid flukey last minute sales. She’s determined and stuff. Claire has six losses, the most. [Except Alex has also been on the losing team six times, and unlike Claire, has actually been the project manager of a losing team. Funny how that got brushed under the carpet. - Steve] She says losing is character building. I admire her stoicism but it’s not like she could say anything else. Lee has never been brought back in to the boardroom on a losing team. He tries to draw a football analogy. And fails.
In the car, Claire goes ‘it’s so exciting’ in a crazy voice. Heart Claire a little bit.
Alex draws attention to the fact that, at 24, he is YOUNG. His CV is not ‘long in the tooth’. He’s dynamic and agile. I’m not sure what he thinks the final job is going to be, where agility is part of the remit. Oh well, at least he didn’t say ‘supple’. Or ‘lithe’. Helene is a pricing leader for a global corporation. I still don’t know what that means. She claims she has a good CV and it’s not bullshit and she’s giving everything she’s got. Yawn.
Funky spy music plays as the cars pull up. Lucinda is resplendent in red. Sralan introduces the interviews. His rottweilers will report back and three people will get fired tomorrow.
Lee’s claims that his arse is on the floor because he’s shitting himself. Enough. I don’t even want to think about Alex’s arse, let alone Lee’s. [I still think about Lee's arse on occasion, but not in this context - Fiona]
Sralan’s rottweilers are:
Property magnate Paul Kemsley. He is assigned to go after strength of character in the candidates. He calls Alex boring.
Claude Litner was Sralan’s troubleshooter but is now his own boss. He calls Lucinda unemployable.
Gordon Catchup, CE of Viglen, says to Claire ‘you’re not the apprentice are you?’
Karren Brady, MD of Birmingham City football club, is A Bladdy Woman. She has to focus on personal strengths of the candidates, because god forbid a woman actually try to assess people on business acumen. She pwns lee on his skills.
All these people, with the possible exception of Brady, are vile, so I reserve the right to have spelt their names wrong and refer to them as different people.
Lee again says he’s nervous. WE GET IT. All his hard work could be out the window.
He says ‘good to meet ya’ to Paul. First impressions, Lee. Paul says that Lee’s CV says he uses humour to lighten things and asks Lee to perform his ‘reverse pterodactyl’ impression. Lee wheels his arms backwards and squawks. It’s bizarre. And I want to know what a forward pterodactyl looks like, and why a reverse one is necessary. Paul didn’t find it funny, and Sralan wouldn’t either. He asks why Lee didn’t say no, that it was a serious interview, and he wasn’t going to mess around. The answer is because Lee is a puppy dog who is so desperate to please that if you kicked him in the face he’d apologise for getting spittle on your shoes. But he tries to prove his seriousness, by giving an example of when he fired a 42 year old man with kids, who begged for his job. Nice. [And going on what happens later, I bet he totally made this up - Rad]
In the waiting room, Lee complains to Claire he was called nice. Claire’s like, that’s good! Lee says nice guys don’t win. Claire’s, like, ‘oh’. [Tim Campbell, nice guy, winner. Michelle Dewberry/Simon Ambrose - hardly nasty. Winners - Rad] [Tell that to Simon's former tenants. - Steve]
Claude says Lucinda is unemployable. She says that she’s a contractor and has never been out of work, so she’s not unemployable, you twat, as people keep employing her. He says ‘isn’t it because you’re unemployable?’ and somehow tries to twist the fact that Lucinda can swoop in and demand a massive amount of money for various companies into the fact that she can’t get a permanent job. It’s the weakest argument ever. He says that Lucinda is shit at teamwork. That’s fairer. She does tend to pout a bit when she’s not in charge. He asks how it was with the team mates. She says it was a struggle.
Claire says to Helene that Lucinda will stutter and get told to shut up and does a little posh ‘em.. hem…but I’ impression which, though mean, is not inaccurate. Lucinda says people don’t like her because nice voice and funny dress sense. Claude says ‘what about listening?’ Lucinda reiterates that she can do teamwork. Claude remains unconvinced. In the waiting room, Lucinda says to the others, ‘What am I doing here? Do I want to be a permanent employee with little diversity? I’d be crawling the walls.’ [Why does anyone want to work for NotAmstrad? It sounds dreadful. I still don't think Tim or Michelle have recovered - Rad]
Claude talks to Claire. He doesn’t like how she’s been in cosmetic, it seems, because he rants on about it. She was a club rep. OH! That makes so much sense. She claims that she likes a drink and likes boys, but hasn’t done anything her grandma would be embarrassed by. In her company, she increased profit to £8million. She’s on £85k, her bonus was £27k. He says that she’s shit at negotiating and should have got more money if she made that much profit. Outside, Claire says he was hot and Neanderthal and she should have sucked his lips off. [Yet another mental image I didn't need - Fiona]
One of the male rottweilers says to Alex, ‘you work in a supermarket?’ Alex is like, was fuck you I’m a regional manager. The bloke, says ‘Your CV is shit’. Alex thanks him. Karren asks Alex what his substance is. He says I’m great for my age, which is 24. I’m the best 24 year old ever and have achieved more than should ever be possible for one so very, very young. I’m practically a foetus. Karen says, ‘I ran a football club at 23, twatnut, what else you got?’
Claude questions why Alex has ‘English (fluent)’ listed on his CV. Is that not a given, pretty boy? [Well, Lee probably couldn't put that on his... - Steve] Alex says that he, at 24, is better than his friends, who are also 24, and went to private school for 14 years. Claude asks Alex what he’ll offer Sralan. Alex says he’s adaptable. And 24. Claude is like stop talking shit and give me something to work with. Alex claims to be ‘motivational’. So he doesn’t really say anything at all.
Helene talks about how she’s ballsy and a rottweiler is like ‘you’re not ballsy, you’re A Bladdy Woman’ and she’s like ‘I ran a team of all male engineers, and took over from a man in his 40s and they resisted and I whipped their sorry arses into show, the same way I will do yours if you continue to question my ballsiness.’ He’s like, but you ‘re leaving that job, with the implication that she can’t handle it and is, in fact, not ballsy, and she’s like yes I fucking am leaving cos I’m better than that job.
Brady asks Helene her best most defining experience. She talks about her alcoholic parents meaning she had to leave school really early and fought her way up. Credit where it’s due, she isn’t keen to talk about it and doesn’t seem entirely to rely on it, so she’d never get anywhere on the X Factor. Karen asks if it makes Helene a stronger candidate? Yes! She then tells Karren she struggled with the process cos she’s not used to being surrounded by 15 gobshites. Which, HA!, but also, perhaps not the best turn of phrase in a job interview.
Lucinda meets Paul. She likes pressing flowers, scuba diving and Chinese medicine. He then says she’s not a serious business woman. Because if she were a serious business woman, she’d be a man. He say she’ll probably fuck off and open a yoga retreat in Nepal. Because yoga is the same as aromatherapy and Chinese medicine if you’re A Tough No-Nonsense Businessman. Lucinda says that if she’d wanted to open a yoga retreat in Nepal she’d have done it by now. He says ‘are you motivated by money?’ and Lucinda totally pwns him with ‘no, because I earn in excess of what they’re offering’.
In the waiting area, they all sit about and bitch about Lucinda not wanting the job. Lucinda says she’s struggled with the process of people cackling and shoving. She says the process wasn’t fair. Paul is like ‘you’re a stupid gobby bitch who likes flowers and I hate you because you’re not a cunt’. Lucinda says, ‘nice to meet you anyway’.
Alex is told to find some energy. He goes on about being on full commission, which proves he has Hardcore Biznizz Skillz. His family got forced to move out…so they went to a farm and sold rocks and made money. And that’s entrepreneurial. Well done. I might have missed a step, but I swear that’s what he said. [He did - he and his brother sold rocks and made £7000 A WEEK. Of course they did. - Rad]
Scary cellos of doom.
Claude rips apart Lee’s application because he made about a million spelling mistakes. Lee is disappointed by his ‘grammical’ errors. Claude is like, did you do a degree pussy boy? Lee’s like, nah I’m thick. I did a two-year course for my catering managerness. Claude is like the uni says you were there 4 months! You lying little scrote. Cluade is worried that someone’s able to bullshit and Lee’s like i’m not going to bullshit and Claude’s like you just did. Lee’s got a blip in his integrity but he was ashamed about being thick. Poor Lee. It’s not his fault he’s badly educated and perhaps dyslexic, but lying on your CV for The Apprentice was bladdy stupid.
Helene’s form said ‘I’ve dipped my toe in the sea of success and am ready to dive into the ocean of opportunity.’ Oh man.
Claire says Sralan calls her big gob motor mouth but she doesn’t like all talk and no action, and she gets things done. She expects high standards and if she wants an email by 10 am she wants it there at 10 am. If she didn’t get it, she’d yell, and if she didn’t get it again, she’d stop working with that person.
Karren’s like why do you want it Lucinda? You earn more money, you’re doing what you like. Lucinda says it’s not money, she wants to be the best she can in a role that stretches her. Karren, being a nasty bitch, goes to the appearance well and is a bit snide about Lucinda’s colourful clothes and berets. Lucinda says that she stands out, which isn’t a bad thing, and the minute she opens her mouth they know she means business. Lee asks how she did. Lucinda says she felt better in the afternoon than the morning andnow she does want it.
Lucinda to-cameras that she’s glad to do it because she’s not a quitter. She’s got the skills and credibility and personality. Claire says for every her you need 10 quieter people, but people like her bring the business forward. Lee talks about being thick some more and says he made a mistake and learned from it. Not so much a mistake as a deliberate act, piggy, but I’ll let you off.
They’re all done. Back at the house, Lee says, ‘tomorrow, three of you will get fired’ and Alex is like three of YOU? Helene says there’s no shame in going in final five. Other than the shame of wanting to be on The Apprentice in the first place, of course.
Next day. Board room./ The rottweilers sit opposite Sralan, like candidates. Sralan thanks them for their time and so on.
Gordon says Alex is nice, positive, really wants the job. He was impressed that Alex was commission-only. Paul says he thinks Alex will be surprised because he likes him – he’s young (JUST 24!!!) and ambitious. Karren says he’s charming and good looking. We cut back to her interviewing him about his good looks, and she says he should embrace it and shouldn’t be ashamed of it. Sralan’s like ‘I’veve always traded on my looks’. They lol. Karren says Alex is The Apprentice. Nick suddenly loves him too. Paul says ‘junior apprentice’ and suggests he might need more training up. [They have all been hypnotised by has magic cock, just like all the PMs were. It's the only explanation! - Rad] Claude don’t like him.
Another bloke says Lucinda is brilliant, intelligent, and would be a disaster. Paul says she could aromatherapy the office. Because she is A Bladdy Woman and women only know about flowers and Lucinda is the floweriest of all. Karren says shut up you cunt. Sralan says she was on winning tasks eight times, and was great at leading. But is she good at being a team member? Margaret is like she’s shit at that, and has tantrums. Gordon says she’s shit and she doesn’t need the money. Sralan says ‘I’ll make you be her boss if you’re not careful.’ [Hee - Rad]
On Lee, Paul says the dinosaur impression was shit but Lee is nice. But he winked on his way out, which was bad. So Lee makes a bad first impression and a bad last impression. Good job. We see Karren making Lee sell her a crappy biro. He does quite well, but I’m doubting Karren’s business sense if the best challenge she can come up with is ‘sell me this pen’. Karren says it was good. It’s his big chance cos he’s cheesy and brash. George brings up the two years at uni lie. If he’s done as well as he’s claimed then he doesn’t need to do that. He’s got a hang up on his qualifications. Paul’s like, I lied about my qualifications too! It’s fine! Claude won't dismiss Lee out of hand.
Karren thinks Claire is fantastic, She knows everything about her business, and is a doer, and ‘if you don’t give her a job, I will’. She’s been on a journey. Oh, sorry. I mean, Been On A Journey. Claude doesn’t like her. Paul says she’s nice and he can see her in the canteen leading people in the Birdy Song because she is A Bladdy Woman. George says she won’t shut up. We cut to Claire gabbling about how she talks. Sralan talks about how she listened when he told her to shut up. One of the rottweilers says it’s an act and that she actually won’t shut up, ever. Which, so what? Whether she’s shut up or has pretended to shut up, so long as she’s quiet, who gives?
Claude likes Helene. She had a hard background. Sralan says ‘don’t care!’ [You cared a lot when it was Michelle, enough to fawn all over her and give her the job, you tosspot - Rad] Claude is like, ‘if you let me finish you cunt, she left school early because she was forced to work and not cos she’s thick and she’s actually kind of awesome’. Karren agrees. Paul says put her in the backroom because she is A Bladdy Woman and can’t be trusted. Karren says she lost her way a bit, but her upbringing is significant. Sralan says blah ‘I don’t like sob stories’ and Karren’s like, shut up, she’s good, her background is relevant, and she didn’t want to actually talk about it. Sralan thanks them all and especially Karren for being a lady. Srsly. He’s like, ‘and thanks especially to Karren for being A Bladdy Woman and giving us important perspective on Bladdy Woman issues like how the candidates smell and whether or not kittens are pretty’. [I'd have been more offended by this if Karren hadn't spent so long focusing on how pretty she thinks Alex is. - Steve]
Nick says that it’s odd that there was no clear favourite. Is it? Sralan says there are five good candidates and ‘Let’s call the apprentices in’. Apprentices in potentia, surely? Sralan says it was different from a task but still difficult. Sralan says to Alex – they don’t think you came alive in the interviews. Did you not think it was important? Alex is like I totally did but I don’t lose my temper. [No, he just gets snitty and defensive. That's way better. - Steve] Sralan is like I don’t like people who lose their temper. Alex manages not to lol in Sralan’s face and is like, l’m softly spoken but gave it my best. Sralan says Lee has worked in recruitment so it should have been a breeze. He asks what Lee thinks of people who overflower their CVs? What would you have done if someone had lied about education on their CV? Lee says he’d evaluate how important the lie was. Sralan says it puts into doubt how true the rest of his CV is.
Sralan says Claire took on board the too much talking thing. But you were talking again. Claire says they were intimidating and she’s chatty. So awesome. He says aren’t you lying and pretending to be quiet just to please me? Fuck off. That’s a bloody stupid thing to say and it doesn’t even matter. This really looks like they’re trying to build a ‘justification for Claire not getting the job’ edit. She says ‘I’ve changed since the first week, but I don’t think I should change completely.’ You go, girl.
Sralan says to Lucinda that as team leader, your teams thought you were great, but when you’re not in charge it’s crap. Lucinda says ‘I do like authority’ and Sralan says ‘I’m the boss’ and she’s like ‘I know you twat’. Another bullshit argument because, yes, she wouldn’t be in charge of everything, but she’d clearly be in charge of whatever wrecker’s yard in Basildon Sralan puts the apprentice in.
Alex sweeps in with a bit of ‘oh mim mim mim, by the way Miss, she said she didn’t want it’ and Lucinda’s like ‘I said I wasn’t sure, but I thought about it, and I do’ and Alex is like ‘you’re an airy fairy bitch’ and she’s like ‘I don’t need the job I want it, I’m taking a pay cut, so it’s obvious I want it, unlike you fucking wimps who are desperate, I can afford to do this for the hell of it’. Helene and Alex mim mim mim some more about how they do need the job. [Alex is such a disingenuous little snake. That was unforgivable, and I hope that every potential employer watching realises what a total bastard he is and never hires him for anything ever. - Steve]
Sralan says he has to decide who’s leaving and tells Helene that he’s a bit at sea with what she’s got to offer. Helene says ‘I’m not good at sales, but I did lots of things, unlike these twunts who do sales all the time and did sales when they came here, proving that they’re good at selling watches from the lining of a jacket, but little else. I’d have got fired from my Big American Company if I was shit, simple as that.’
He tells Alex that he’s young but ‘I want someone rounded’. Alex calls himself a partially painted canvas.
He tells Lucinda she’s a very clever lady, but asks if she’s channelled it correctly? She says she found it horrific to go through the process. He says ‘I warned you’. She’s like I lead awesomely and you know it. He says she’s too zany. And is fired. [Still - too zany is a fine enough reason to be fired - Rad] She gets her wheely case and leaves.
Lee is told to defend himself on CV lies. Lee says ‘I deliver! I have never failed to deliver as a leader or team member.’
Claire – ‘same thing, come on’. Not the same thing cos she didn’t change her CV so doesn’t have to defend it. She says she took a lot of critique – she means criticism – but kept coming back for more because she wants to learn. He goes on about how she talks too much and doesn’t listen. WHICH IS NOT TRUE.
But I’m going to let you stay. I’m going to let you all stay! Woohoo! Party! So yeah. They’re all in the final except Lucinda. Great. Sralan says ‘unusual final, but fair cos they’re all contenders’ [Or 'they're all bladdy useless, so let's see how they get on with a few months' working at NotAmstrad before I decide - Rad]
Eviction Coat watch. Kind of white and black giraffe print. Awesome, of course. Sralan says she’s a mystery and will never be in the company. Nick says ‘damn straight, girlfriend’. In the cab, Lucinda says she hasn’t been herself. She doesn’t yell about how she is great. Her accent wasn’t liked, the way she dresses wasn’t liked but she doesn’t care because ‘I am who I am and I don’t have to answer to them’. Go you! Heart Lucinda. She’s too good for this shit.
The final task is making a scent for men. It’s two teams of two. By the looks of it, Lee, rather than Claire, will be doing a sales pitch [and ditto for the other team, Alex pitching instead of Helene], which is an idea made of pure grade-A fail.
And next week we will be LIVE! BLOGGING! the final, so come and join us...
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