Like selling Chinese Cats to a Chinese Man in Chinatown.

Week 1, 7^th May 2013

Hello and welcome back to the Apprent-bitch, where everyone’s favourite LORDSugarDaddy is serving up sixteen fresh idiots to fail epically in our faces for our viewing pleasure.  May I just say I’m honoured to be leading the charge on this the Ninth series, and welcoming the opportunity to get my Telly Bitching muscles going again after their extended break.

So anyway, to BIZNIZ. The Shard is predominant in the LondonPorn as the voiceover man reminds us that we’re in a harsh economic climate and start-ups are struggling. It’s ok though! Lord Alan Sir Sugar still has enough moneys that he has to number his Bentleys so he’s here to help. There are sixteen new candidates ready to do battle. Someone is a great of his generation and takes his lead from Napoleon. Someone else is an actual machine. Someone else doesn’t have a gameplan, only effortless superiority. And the best eyebrow since the death of the Gallagher brothers. Quarter of a million pounds is up for grabs to the person that is best at not annoying Daddy Alan. Someone who looks like someone I can’t place takes the SKYRIDE to work thinks he’s a new breed of businessman because he has an old head on young shoulders. I’d agree with that, only he looks like he’s tried to pull the old head young with plastic surgery so his eyebrows unfortunately meet his hairline. Someone else is Business Perfection Personified. Such bold claims. I can’t wait to learn their names so I can hate them more efficiently. Someone else has the sex appeal of Jessica Rabbit and the brain of Einstein. Would it be too cheap to say that she’s got that the wrong way round? And even if it was can I honestly say that I’m above it? No I can’t, readers. You know me by now surely? No gag to cheap, no shot too low, no pun to obvious. The old ones are the best for a reason. Someone else will do anything to win. We’ll see.

But wait! Daddy’s home! He tells us that this isn’t about a job; it’s about him investing in a business. It’s an unbelievable opportunity. We’re reminded again about his East End Boy roots, and that he started with nothing. If they want to be picked, they’ve got to be brilliant. All they’ve got to do to get their hands on the cash is put themselves through a series of humiliating tasks for our amusement. Sounds fair enough. We’ve all done worse things for money. This will happen over twelve weeks and the winner will go home with the cash.

Let’s meet our pet doofuses, shall we? They’re all summoned to the boardroom at midnight, which to me sounds like either the beginning of a sexual harassment public information film or something that would be on Channel 5 in the early hours of the morning. Everyone tries to look the least nervous as Sugasugasuga calls them in.  He wishes them a good evening and tells them why they’re all there. He explains that it’s difficult to get investment in the CURRENT CLIMATE because the banks are all scared. He explains how lucky they are to be his assets. He points to their REZOOMAYS and tells them how they’re all full of BS and he’s sick of their thinking outside the box and their 110% and he wants to see what they’re made of in real life. How disappointed he will be when he sees that they’re made entirely of bullshit and clichés. Sigh.

Ludalan tells them that the point of this farrago is for them to get their Business Plans in front of him so that he can pick the one that he likes, or the person he likes, whatever.  He wants to know what everyone’s ideas are. He starts with Neil. Neil has a designer beard and a quiff. His business is a unique online estate agency. Ludalan quotes Myles’  REZOOMAY that says estate agents are tossers. Myles is the token old one. He also has directional hair. Neil replies that he’s not an estate agent, that’s just his business idea. Even I know Ludalan is going to pick holes in that little fact. Neil is going to win. Jaz is next, she seems nice but she’s the one that’s a machine. Her business is about online learning that will eradicate low levels of literacy. Leah is questioned next. She’s introduced as a doctor but that’s just a foil for the next hilarious contestant who thinks he’s Napoleon.  His name is Zeeshaan and I hate him and his humongous watch already. Jason has never had a full time job. He’s the one with the eyebrow. Ludalan accuses him of being a student his whole life with such venom that you’d think he was a murderer. He agrees that he has spent a long time studying Modern History. He compares him to Jason from the Greek Myths and he hopes he can live up to his metaphorical namesake and get the Golden Fleece. Oh stop being so smug Jason, someone wrote that for Alan. He couldn’t give less of a shit.

So what’s the task? Well, daddy has bought his directionless children a shipping container each of imported tat and they’ve got to sell it. Do you see? Vertical eyebrows looks horrified. Everyone else puts on their gameface. The aim of the game is to sell to trade in the metropolis that is London and they’ve got to do it all before 4pm tomorrow. The team that sells the most will win and someone will be fired from the losing team. It’s girls v. Boys as usual. Jaz puts herself up for PM because she’s enthusiastic and good at motivating people. Lordsugar comments on her bravery. Jason the student nominates himself to lead the men, which provokes a “REALLY?!” from daddy. Jason says that anyone else can come and have a go if they think they’re hard enough. Nobody else does. Nick and Karren need no introduction, but they get one anyway and we’re reminded that they don’t miss a trick. He’ll see them tomorrow at 5pm.

In the boy car, they do a complicated handshake whilst Jason introduces himself. He interviews that his intelligence is like a machete in the jungle – one swipe and he will get through. Oh poor Jason. Fatherlord doesn’t care about that! It amazes me that some people still haven’t actually watched this show.  His official job is Property Entrepreneur [Does this mean he has a lodger? - Rad] and PhD Student. Neil tells him the reason that he didn’t go for PM was because Jason had real balls. Hmm, ok. He then asks Kurt what he did for a living and he says this and that.

Jaz on the girls’ team is another entrepreneur, but this time an education one. [It was at this point I realised just how much of a wet lefty I am, because the idea of an education entrepreneur made me feel all angry. - Steve] She loudly tells the other ladies in the car that she doesn’t know why she put herself up for PM then interviews that she loves being in charge and bossing people around. Everything about her manner suggests that this is the truth. Back in the car she’s saying to the others that she’s not looking to boss people around. OOH, two faced too. I think I might like this one. Jaz interviews that if any idiots get in her way they will be moved aside. OOH. Think you may be bumping into a few, Jaz.

Next up to tell us what she’s all about is Luisa. She’s got a consumer electronics business and a cake shop. Neil has a 14 year proven sales track record. Eyebrows, who is called Alex, is a company director from Wales, who started his first business from a garage. He says he looks like Freddie Mercury and that’s the nail on the head. [He also looks like Nicechap. - Steve]

On to team names, which is my favourite bit. Leah suggests “something explosive” which to her is Asteroid. It’s better than C4 I suppose... [I was hoping for "Ejaculate". - Steve] This suggestion is met with disdain. Rebecca, who looks like a stretched Grace Dent suggests Alchemy. Sophie Lau does not know what that means. Luisa suggests Evolve because they’ll evolve together as a team. They like that.  Over with the boys, Jason suggests Endeavour for the boys. They all agree then Jason says he picked that name because they’re going to try to win even if they aren’t successful. This is met with several looks of confusion. [Endeavour sounds like such an Apprentice team name that I can't believe it's taken until series 9. - Rad]

The Apprent-cars arrive in Tilbury. Jason has never been to the docks before. Jaz is excited. We’re told that the containers have identical contents, which include Chinese waving cats, water, ukuleles and jackets that Zeeshaan thinks are amazing.  Jaz takes stock – Water, toilet rolls, cat litter, bubble wrap, leather jackets, Union Jack mugs and China Cats. Jaz then asks her team what they expect from her. They suggest delegation, direction and support. Jaz then asks them what they want from her if she does all of the above. This is met with blank faces. Sophie, a restaurateur thinks that Jaz is full of energy and motivational speeches and energy. She feels that there is an element of being patronising but this is because she’s a teacher. This is voiced over as she all but gives them a hug and a thumbs up each over the name choice. She’s gone full Mallett. Timmy Mallett is still safe to talk about right? Can someone edit this if he isn’t? TA. Jaz then instructs Leah to lead the sub team.

Over with Endeavour, Jason is having a bit of a hard time rallying the troops as they all endeavour to show who has the biggest business acumen. They assess the items and Jason urges them to use their inside voices. Karren notices that they’re basically all just having a gigantic pissing contest and she’s really starting to feel for Jason. She thinks it’s going to be a long night. ME TOO. Neil gets made the leader of the sub team which to his business addled brain makes him the real leader, or something. Vans are loaded and everyone makes their way into London at 4.30am.  The boys make appointments in the back of their car whilst Leah directs a subteam. The first person that is pissed off with her appointed task is Uzma, who looks a bit like a Bo Selecta mask of herself. She’s giving daggers at being appointed head of locations, which is basically just looking at a map. Rebecca and her fringe are in charge of selling because she’s won awards. Rebecca shows us that she’s SRS BZNIZ buy telling someone off for talking over her and wearing fierce eyeshadow. She interviews that she’s tough in life and in business and if someone crosses her it’s game over.

The girls plant themselves in an all night pub in Smithfields market. Leah tries to take control because she’s the leader of the subteam but Rebecca has wildly differing ideas and not only takes over the entire operation, but physically spreads her tailfeather of papers all over the table, leaving nobody in any doubt as to who is in charge. Rebecca tries to sell some water to the barman, who says that although he doesn’t want any water he will buy some. Leah thinks that she could’ve sold more.

The gents subteam are trying to flog the water to a coach company. Alex and his evil eyebrows actually wink at him when he says that they get through a lot of water, and he licks his lips in excitement. He wants to sell it at 15p a bottle, the man wants to buy it for 10p. Alex reiterates this and looks lost until the man he’s selling to points out that he’s currently buying it for 12p a bottle. Come on Alex! He decides to match that as long as he buys 1,920 of them. They have a deal. This is also all of the water. Alex thinks he may have given up too easily.  I don’t really think he tried at all, did he?

It’s suddenly the morning and the boys are off to a casino to try and sell the Lucky Cats. Myles is in charge of selling them for £6 each. The casino man thinks that they are tat and will only pay £3. Myles offers him £3.25 with the batteries. Jordan thinks that he just wanted to get a sale in his name, as they don’t even have any batteries.  Over with the girls, Jaz is starting to get slightly insane with lack of sleep. Sophie doesn’t have a clue about what to do with the cats. Jaz starts thinking aloud. “WHAT WOULD BE A PLACE WHERE THERE’S CHINESE STUFF AND SHOPS AND STUFF” and it takes a good few moments before anyone thinks of Chinatown and this isn’t even received as a good idea. Jaz thinks that Chinatown may be closed as all the shops don’t seem to be doing any business. They decide to come back at 10am.

The rest of the girls are trying to get rid of their water. Luisa makes a point of saying that they should sell the water in bulk and Rebecca gives her daggers. Hee! Luisa interviews that although she may look like a bimbo, she’s got a really good business brain and the screen tells us that she’s a multiple business owner. Cut to her getting into an argument with Leah about who should do the next sale. She thinks she should do the selling because Leah is a doctor. Leah disagrees because she has the figures and there’s no way that Luisa could remember the price of some water in time. CHILDREN, PLEASE. Luisa gets it though, and tries to sell some water to an American diner.

The other half of the girls are on Oxford St trying to get rid of the Union Jack mugs. Francesca and her amazing eyeliner feel that the whole thing is going into disarray. It’s also kamikaze and a bit crazy. Jaz stomps into a tourist shop and offers them what they are on the shelf to buy them. The man says that he wants to buy them, hugs them and says he’s just got to ask his boss. They move on. Nick interviews that she was very quick to stick up her hand to say she wanted to be the leader but she seems to have shown no real leadership skills. Well Nick, I’m not usually one to criticise you for you are generally awesome but that’s a bit No Shit Sherlock for someone of your level of insight. He also says that she seems like a pleasant woman but not all that good at business. Again, NSS [Oh God, those three letters are the bane of my life, standing as they do in my sector for 'National Student Survey'.  Just seeing that acronym gives me the shudders - Rad]. Jaz’ plan for the rest of the day is not to look or smell desperate.

Over with the other half of the girls, they’ve managed to flog the water to the people in the diner for more than the boys did. The boys are putting batteries in plastic cats at the casino car park, which affords us some OLYMPICLondonPorn. They’re delivered successfully to the casino so all is well on that score to the tune of £160. Jason wants to take  the lessons learned from the cat catastrophe forward. I judge him for not making the obvious pun. So does Myles.

Meanwhile, the boys sub team are spending lunchtime pushing for sales. Alex talks into a phone without a battery and tells someone that his toilet roll is unused. The other half are trying to flog the mugs and the ukuleles. Jason’s tack is to hold the items like they are professionals and point out the silky lining of the leather jacket. This is the moment that I cry the loudest at the end of Harry Hill’s TV Burp. They then smash the cup.

Over with the girls, they get rid of the leather jacket whilst Uzma looks at the Yellow Pages, They try to sell to a pet shop called the Mutts Nuts who don’t want it. Jaz suggests selling it to Battersea dogs home. I think the clue is in the name there, Jaz. Leah points out that it’s a bit of a trek to Battersea but this falls on deaf ears, but saying that, there’s no thought that dogs might not need cat litter. [To be fair, it is called Battersea Dogs and Cats Home nowadays. - Steve] Jaz suggests calling Battersea, but the boys have got there first. Alex wants to know who has a cat. Neil despises them. It’s at this point that I realise that they have cats at Battersea too, but none of the girls decided to question this so I’m keeping the above in.  Neil begins by lying that he loves the cats and Zeeshaan tries to sell the cat litter. They suggest a start price of £8, but Battersea laugh in their faces. They go off in a huddle to make a plan. Karren points out that Neil completely took over, which is true and calls him a backstreet driver. The Battersea man offers them £5 a bag to take the lot. They manage to haggle it up to £5.20 and Zeeshaan makes a dog eat dog world pun. IT’S ABOUT CATS.  [Always about cats - Nargis] Zeeshaan then phones in to Jason to say that they need to get rid of the high vis jackets whilst Neil has a tantrum because he wasn’t allowed to speak to him. All the while Tim sits in the middle looking like he would rather be anywhere else entirely than in his precise position at this time. He’s actually physically grinding his jaw.

Back with Jason’s half of the team, Alex’ idea is to try to sell everything everywhere. Excellent plan. Jaz’ half of the girls are back in Chinatown which now seems to be open.  Sophie points out the only flaw in the plan, which is that the people in Chinatown may buy stuff from China and it might be quite cheap. They plough on regardless. Sophie tries to sell the plastic waving cat to a Chinese person in Chinatown by saying that she’s half Chinese and she has a restaurant. She offers him £5 per unit but he’s not happy. He tells them that they would be cheaper in China. He’s offered £3 for 10 cats. Nick isn’t impressed and they’ve still got 40 cats. Sophie thinks that Chinatown might be the problem.

In South London, Fast Food Entrepreneur Tim is trying to sell high vis jackets to a trade seller and there’s some bartering before they’re sold for £1.20 per unit. Tim is ridiculously happy to have been given his moment in the spotlight and dances around like half of a flat haired Jedward at his successful sale. Aww, bless him. He goes through all the stages of the sale and does a little dance at his success. [I love Tim so much. - Steve] The boys are all well proud of their empty van and phone up Jason to tell him. Jason reports that they’ve still got six jackets and ukuleles. Alex and Neil have a little bitch about Jason, my favourite bit of which is Alex exclaiming that Jason can’t be that good a project manager as he can’t even sell six leather jackets IN LONDON. Zeeshaan says that he can’t be a good manager because he hasn’t even given them any help or anything.

The girls are scrabbling with 40 minutes to go. Natalie is insistent that they cannot offload the cat litter to one person. Rebecca has stolen the Yellow Pages from Uzma and is looking at it with furrowed brow. Rebecca spots a shop where they can offload the bubble wrap. She makes an offer of £33 and the man basically laughs in her face and tells them that he’ll buy it for £15. She also manages to get him to take the loo roll. Uzma isn’t happy about this basically because her job of being in charge of where to go for a bit is just as important as the job of doing the actual selling. She interbitches that once the sale has been made, all other contributions are forgotten. She rolls her eyes when Leah tells Rebecca that she is proud of her. I think she does this because her eyes are the only part of her face that moves. Seriously, the girl is like Michael Myers.

With half an hour to go, Jason wants to run like hell to sell the Ukuleles and the girls run to sell the cats. Jaz tries to sell the cats to what can only be described as an upmarket pound shop and shushes Sophie when she tries to help. She’s trying to offload them for £4.50. Jordan is trying to sell the ukuleles to a music shop for £6 a hit. Back with the ladies, Sophie offers a risky suggestion and Jaz would like to hear it unless it’s about the cats. She goes for it anyway but Jaz tells her to shut up. Jordan manages to sell the ukuleles for £5 a pop.

Time up and the team take stock. The girls’ main team have sold £272 and the subteam are disgusted by this and Luisa says that if Jaz even dares bring her in to the board room she will be on her like a fly on shit. Jaz asks the girls’ main team for some feedback on her “Project Manager-ship-ism”. Francesca merely opens and closes her mouth.  Neil is in the back of the car mouthing off that Jason has committed business suicide by appointing him leader of the subteam because he’s blown him away.  Jason feels that there’s only so much lion taming that he can do. He’s clearly exhausted. Bless.

Everyone waits nervously to be let into the boardroom.  NotFrances tells them that they can go in. They sit down and wait for daddy to come home. Lordalan wishes them a good evening and remarks at the length of the day. He starts with the girls’ team and wants to be told very quickly whether Jaz regrets being PM. She thinks she led the team and the team were brilliant. He wants to know the team name and where it evolved from. (AHAHAHA) Luisa takes full credit. Daddyalan wants to know what Jaz was like as a team leader. Francesca says that she had found her to be motivational and had asked Jaz to be decisive at the beginning of the day. Lordalan asks if she was. Francesca replies that she evolved. Tactical.  He then wants to know what the communication was like with the subteam. Luisa rats her out and says that there was none. Leah goes a step further and says that she felt like she led the subteam on her own and did a lot of the managing. Jaz gives her the stinkeye. The subteam report that they sold out of three of their products. The main team were left with seven leather jackets, all of the mugs and 40 lucky cats. Jaz does an impression of the cat. Nick says that they short circuited a bit on Oxford St and they agree.  They also say that they had the long chat with the hugging man who couldn’t even buy the stuff even if he wanted to. Daddyalan reminds them that the first rule of BZNZ is to ensure you aren’t speaking to the cleaning lady. Natalie says that they learned this lesson but Papa Sugar thinks that it was naive of them not to know this already.

Over to the gents, Ludalan isn’t too happy with the name Endeavour because it basically means to try, as Jason pointed out when he named them. Alan wonders if they’ve got the fleece. Jason thinks that they put in a robust performance and they all did their part from the team. Alan goes straight in and asks Neil why he took over. Neil says he did it because there wasn’t any clear leadership. Ludalan wonders how he knew this straight off the bat. This is met with some extraordinary faces from Jason as Neil points out what a bad leader he is. Jason points out that he was ensuring that they set off on the right foot rather than stomping off on the wrong one only to trip up.  Neil remarks that there was no foot at all. Evil Alex points out that Critical clear concise instructions were left out right from the beginning.  Karren sticks up for him and suggests that everyone was trying to show how good at BZNZ they were at the beginning and Jason was the only one that did any listening. Neil brazens through this and states that his team sold everything so he should have been the boss no take backs. Jordan then pops in and says that Neil is embarrassing and why is he even bringing it up. Yay Jordan! Neil persists in the same line and gets all puffed chest about who sold the most stock.

Jordan rightly points out that it’s not a competition because they’re a team.  Karren then admits that she’s had a whole day of this pissing contest and she’s very bloody fed up of it. Evil Alex then sticks his happen’orth in and says that he’s worked with “Liam” all day. He doesn’t seem even slightly embarrassed to be corrected. Anyway, he’s worked with Neil all day and Neil seemed concerned about Jason’s management style. Myles chips in and says that Jason may be a nice guy, but his sales approach is more Vicar of Dibley than market trader. I see what you did there, Myles. You’ve compared two popular BBC sitcoms. How funny. Lordalan thinks it sounds like a nightmare, but wants to know what they were doing putting BLADDY batteries into BLADDY cats at a BLADDY casino. Jason says that this was Myles’ idea and it was a waste of time. Ludalan wants to know what Tim thinks as he’s been quiet. He replies that he was waiting to be spoken to, but given his spotlight he starts ducking and diving and talking about what it was like not to have been heard. Ludalan reminds him that sometimes you can step back so far you end up over the cliff. Tim replies that he proved himself through sales and sold the lot. He says he sold the high vis jackets. He jokes that he must have seen him coming.

So!  Results! Ladies first and Evolve led by Jaz. Her team sold £271 but the subteam led by Leah sold £839.30 making a total of £1,109.30. Gents next. Endeavour, led by Jason. Jason’s team sold £324.50 and Neil’s sub team £843.40 making a total of £1,167.90. So, victory to the boys by a mere £58.60. They celebrate in an undignified fashion as is the tradition.  Their treat is going to a luxury hangout in Holborn where all the lawyers spend their time and they’re getting a chef from Fortnum and Mason to cook them dinner. Lordalan dismisses them and Tim pipes up that he’d just like to say that he’s taken all the comments on board and although he was struggling at the beginning he’s getting better. This is met with a confused look and the reiteration of the fact that they’ve won and he should shut up. It’s rather sweet. Aww, Tim. [Tim <3 -="" i="" steve="">] The rest of the boys speedily usher him out as the girls all smirk at him.

Ludalan dismisses the girls to the loser cafe and they’ve all got to come back tomorrow to get fired. The boys high five each other in the car on the way home. Alex is looking forward to champagne and caviar. Zeeshaan can taste the sweet victory already. You’ve already tasted it you numpty. They go back to their home which is the reward it seems. It’s all glass and angles. They get their dinner and Jason toasts the Judases with teamwork. How quickly they forget.

Over in the losers’ cafe, someone stirs an empty cup whilst Jaz becomes Captain Obvious by saying that the whole thing sucks and none of them want to be there. O RLY?  Leah doesn’t know what to say. Luisa doesn’t want to pass the buck but the team that she was on sold more than triple of what Jaz’ segment did. Way not to pass the buck there, Luisa. Uzma says that she had a structure and a strategy and they stuck to it. The other team make excuses, including the excuse that they can’t just sell toilet roll to a pub. Hmm, I think you can. Uzma says that she hasn’t finished. We never hear the end.

Leah tells us in the voiceover that she admires Jaz for putting herself forward to be Project Manager but perhaps she wasn’t the best person for the job, but she did do one thing right in  putting her forward to lead the subteam. Sophie thinks Jaz was a motivational leader but didn’t listen to her which cost them the win. Jaz would be quite happy to admit it if it was her fault that the team lost and she would put her hands up but she can’t see that she’s done anything wrong. It’s that kind of business insight that’s going to get you far in this competition. She’s going to fight like her life depends on it, because IT DOES. Oh hyperbole.

The ladies are ushered in to the board room. DaddyLordAlan reminds them that they’ve had all night to consider what went wrong and goes on to say that Jaz picked up the gauntlet of leadership quickly and that this was a brave move. She says that it was brave and that she was trying to be decisive. Ludalan wonders if she was just trying to be clever, which I think is nearer the mark. Luisa rightly points out that her bravery does not automatically save her in the event of her messing up.  Jaz sarcastically thanks her for her contribution and says she put her hand up because she knew that she would be able to lead the team through the night.  Lordalan suggests that her management style was a bit like a netball game and her motivational words add up to jack shit. He would have much rather she dealt in facts. Nick makes an “OOH BURN” face at this and rightly so. The ability to act like you’re presenting CeeBeeBees does not a good leader make. Ludalan suggests she may have been better finding out the strengths of her team members and using those to make her decisions. Jaz says that she did do that too and she would have done things differently in hindsight. Wouldn’t we all?

Lordalan then goes on to ask about the subteam lead by Leah. Leah said that they made all of their own decisions. Jaz says that this was totally what she wanted anyway and she wasn’t sitting down humming a tune herself, she was working too. Leah urges her to take ownership of the task failure and she does. Oh Jaz, just keep agreeing with everything everyone says to you. That’s excellent business sense. Jaz says that she’s a project manager of a team task, not a jack of all trades and she gave the subteam a strategy and sent them off to do it. Leah suggests that she made her own strategy in the subteam rather than following one that was given to her.

Ludalan points out to Jaz that she was supposed to analyse what products she could sell to trades that open up early in the morning so he wonders what on earth she was doing in Chinatown at 9am. She replies that she didn’t know it would be closed but they utilised their location to try to sell to the tourist shops. Uzma then sticks her oar in and says that her team’s stuff wasn’t all that easy to sell. Ludalan thinks that they’re probably easier to sell than Lucky Cats in the home of Lucky Cats.  Jaz sees this as an escape route and says that everyone uses water and toilet roll and bubble wrap. She admits that cat litter may be harder and that’s why she suggested selling it to Battersea dogs home. Luisa says that she was too busy selling stuff to even bother with Battersea.

Ludalan then turns his attention to Uzma and notes that his figures show that she didn’t sell anything. Uzma says that it wasn’t her role to do this, it was her role to look at the Yellow Pages and point. Leah backs this up. Karren wonders why they didn’t get to Battersea then, as they were sure to sell their cat litter there. Alan replies that the boys got there first. Ludalan then wonders what the first thing was that the girls sold. Luisa jumps in and says that she was disappointed that award winning salesperson Rebecca epically failed at selling some water. Rebecca picks up her water glass like it’s full of throwing wine and tells her that she’s happy to discuss the reasons why she didn’t epically fail at great length right now. She doesn’t get a chance now because DaddySugar points out that Rebecca was the best seller in the group and Luisa immediately switches tack and says how well she did.  The eye of Alan then moves on to Sophie who also didn’t sell anything. She said that she tried to pitch an idea regarding the cats but Natalie jumped in. Natalie said that she had to jump in or they were going lose the deal. Sophie said that this was why she didn’t want to sell the Chinese imports in Chinatown. Natalie says that this is news to her. Sophie says that she was saying it all the time.

Enough of that though, who is Jaz bringing back? Well, everyone, she’s using that age old one of “who she felt could have contributed more”. The first one is Sophie. Sophie doesn’t think that’s fair. No shit. Jaz isn’t going to discuss it because it’s her choice. The second one is going to be the person that didn’t think of Battersea Dogs home. Uzma says that if it wasn’t for her the team wouldn’t have sold. Leah says that if it wasn’t for her they would have sold literally nothing. Jaz then goes into full sarcatron mode and tells them that they’re all perfect and none of them did anything wrong. Uzma is still shouting about her plan and the whole thing descends into squabbling before Ludalan has to take control again and demands to know who the other one will be because he’d like to go home. It’s Uzma. He sends the others home and the remaining three outside so he can discuss them with Nick.

As regards the three potential firees, Ludalan thinks that Jaz spent far too much time on motivation the team but one shouldn’t underestimate PM pressure. Sophie was a disappointment to Nick and Karren believes that she was quick to criticise others but failed to see where she wasn’t all that. Uzma was apparently in charge of strategy but Alan thinks the jury is out on that one. They’re brought back in.

Ludalan starts on Jaz. He feels she should explain why she brought them in starting with Uzma. Jaz says that she didn’t sell anything and that being in charge of logistics she should have put the cat litter high up on the agenda. The fact that she now knows that the boys sold to Battersea dogs home and they could have had that sale. Uzma makes some noises but Jaz just wants to know that she at least tried to sell the cat litter. She says that she did. Alan says that he has a vision of Uzma orchestrating a military style campaign. She says that is exactly what happened and without her and her Yellow Pages they wouldn’t have sold anything. Sophie wonders whether Uzma realised that this was a selling task and she should perhaps sell? Dangerous ground from someone who also didn’t sell anything. Uzma retaliates by saying that maybe if they had someone like her on their half of the team they might of actually sold something significant. Jaz said she has no idea how she performed. Sophie then calls Uzma a logistics girl which she takes as some kind of insult and shouts that she is A BUSINESS WOMAN BITCH. Sophie then goes on to say that she didn’t sell anything. Ludalan thinks that Uzma thinks it was a logistics task.

Next up Ludalan wonders why Sophie is here. Jaz says that she was a passenger on the task and that she refused to drop the price on the China cats and that’s the whole reason why they failed.  Sophie says that she didn’t understand why Jaz wanted to sell imported products to the place where the imports come to. Jaz then wonders why she didn’t say something. Sophie says that she did and isn’t it logic that selling Chinese products to Chinese people at an inflated price might be a bit of a fool’s errand? Ludalan points out that selling the cats in Chinatown is like selling coal to Newcastle. Jaz realises that she’s losing and says that no matter what the results, she still led the team and that’s what really matters. The fact that they sold bugger all and lost really isn’t all that important. It’s so unimportant that she’s brought back Sophie and Uzma because they didn’t sell anything. Ludalan points out that Jaz didn’t sell anything either. She glosses over this.

Ludalan then points out that everyone’s main criticism of Jaz is that she doesn’t listen. This is backed up by her REZOOMAY that states that when she has an idea in her head, it’s GOING TO HAPPEN. He asks Sophie if this is correct.  She agrees. He also says that her CV says that she’s always right. She answers this by saying that she’s shown her leadership skills and she’s still got more to show. She’s not giving up and she’s got more to show. She’s only leaving because she’s not good enough, she’s not being anyone’s scapegoat. Alan says the only way he’ll know she’s not good enough is by listening to others and he doesn’t like what he’s hearing. He points out that Sophie says that she’s more culpable than her. She replies to this with an “oh man” and an eyeroll. Ludalan doesn’t like to be called man. He likes to be called LudSugar and he points this out. BYE THEN JAZ. Jaz believes that Sophie is more culpable than her because her task was to lead the team and she did. Sophie disagrees. Oh man, this is BORING. Ludalan has also had enough.

He summarises. He gives Jaz credit for putting her hand up to be PM but he’s not sure that it’s the cleverest of moves. The speed wasn’t clever either. Alan is confused as to why Uzma is brought back as a logistics person can also be the heart of a sales team so she’s safe. Sophie didn’t sell anything and Jaz was adamant she was coming back so she has to give that deep consideration. He thinks that Jaz led the team into mayhem and was a terrible leader who jumped in far too quickly and for that reason, SHE’S FIRED.  She thanks the Sugarlord for the opportunity. He’ll see the others on the next task.

Jaz’ coat is long and black as she strides into the taxi of doom. If she had her time again she knows that she would still volunteer to be PM but she’s gutted she didn’t get the chance to show how great she really was because she knew she would go to the end and her business plan is phenomenal. Bye then!

Back at the house, everyone agreed that it was Jaz’ fault that the girls failed and that Uzma should have been PM. Rebecca thinks that she’s a terrible manager but may have talked a good fight. Everyone is happy with the results. Uzma feels ready to go back into the boardroom after the first daunting time.

Fifteen left! Next time the task is all about beer. Flavoured beer. Join Rad to see how badly they can mess that one up! Hope you enjoyed reading. It’s very good to be back.