Last week! Smelling what’s selling! Selling fake tan to Essex (like selling snow to Eskimos, amirite?) Strategeh strategeh strategeh strategeh strategeh strategeh strategeh strategeh… oh, fuck off Azhar, yerfiyud.
Six am at the Business Big Brother-meets-Blockbusters mansion and a bleary-eyed Jade is informed by NotNotFrances that they’re to meet LordSralanSugar at Waterloo station in fifteen minutes where millions of people will be swarming like flies and we can remember that Napoleon, he did surrender. Isn’t some sort of pop music challenge well overdue? [I'd actually pay to see that - Helen]
In the cars, Adam says he ‘can’t be doing with three losses on the bounce’ and Tom pulls ridiculous sourface. Ever since our friend, Only Connect team-mate and sometime tellybitcher Chris pointed out how he was this year’s Wotherspoon, I’ve taken against him, and (spoilers) tonight he seems to finally get his – well, whatever the opposite of a redemption arc is – deredemption? Dedemption? Also, for those wondering why we’re not blogging The Voice, head over to Chris’s blog, as Steve is joining him on recap duty over there. It’s ever so modern, they have pictures and everything.
Nick and Stephen say Sterling are on a roll and they’ve each won five out of seven tasks, ‘as have you Gabi? Or is it four’. ‘Three’. I can’t quite work out if Stephen genuinely thought Gabrielle had won several or if he was deliberately trolling.
The candidates get to see LordSralanSugar in ‘high definition’ – which is just BBC voiceover speak for ‘on a big fuck-off screen in a tunnel because he can’t be bothered getting up this early just to stand in a sewer’. High definition is already sounding a bit 2008, isn’t it? It’s like when Radio 1 did that countdown on the bank holiday of the 150 best-selling songs of the 21st century so far and called it ‘of the millennium’, which was, I believe, the first time anyone’s used that word since January 2000, and it sounded hilariously out-of-touch in a Smashie and Nicey kind of way. But then, what are the likes of Fearne Cotton and Nick Grimshaw if not a younger Smashie and Nicey in hipster togs? And speaking of hipsters, the challenge this week is to sell ‘urban art’ in ‘cutting edge galleries’. LordSralanSugar can’t even hide his grimace as he says these words.
Anyway, it’s the return of the art task, and they have to represent two artists each and make the most commission they can. Gabrielle can’t hide her glee. Voiceover man tells us that graffiti artists like Banksy, and, erm, some other people, can make a lot of money. Thanks for that.
Over at Sterling, Stephen does that horrible thing of his where he puts his lips light up above his teeth so he looks like a hamster as he says he’d quite like to be PM, but Gabrielle pulls out her ‘I am this series’ designated creative one’ card and gets voted in. She mentions having done this before and the important part involves ‘sorting out the catering, making everyone happy’ – this may be important to remember later.
On Phoenix, Tom hipsterviews that he likes graffiti and that he ‘understands the technicalities of how it is produced’. Does he mean… a) he had a young-trying-to-be-trendy art teacher at school who once gave them the BEST LESSON EVER on how to do graffiti, with spray cans and stencils and everything, until the head of art found out and next week it was back to replicating Monets. Again. Some more, b) he once came up with his very own tag and scrawled it in marker pen on the bus stop round the back of Sainsbury’s. Such a rebel! c) He once scrawled his name in biro on the desk in the science lab or d) he flicked through the pages of Banksy’s Wall and Piece in Waterstone’s once. [I'm going for d) Someone got him "Exit Through The Gift Shop" for Christmas last year and the cellophane is still on it but he's learned about it through osmsis or something - Helen]
Tom says he knows what a ‘good quality piece is and a bad quality piece is’ and he would be able to read it, unlike ‘you guys’ who ‘might not know what the words say’. Nice way to insult your whole team there. Adam says ‘that’s music to my ears, Tom’. I can’t work out if he’s actually a genius and this village idiot schtick is a cunning ruse to get more airtime and thus the ‘music to my ears’ comment actually means he can smell a super-arrogant PM fail. But then again, it’s Adam, so probably not. He says most graffiti is just words (which he, as a mere simpleton and not a demigod like Tom, cannot possibly hope to understand) but he assumes it’s the ‘pictures’ that are worth money.
Tom says it needs to have ‘a message’ and ‘a bit of history behind it’ and ‘one of the reason’s Banksy’s so famous which you might not be aware of is that no-one knows who he is’. If we were playing Family Fortunes, and the public were asked to name a famous graffiti artist, not only would Banksy be the top answer, he would be the ONLY answer. And if they were asked to name one thing they knew about him, the whole ‘anonymity’ thing would be up there, way above the snogging policemen.
Back with Sterling, Gabrielle tells the team to listen to the artists with enthusiasm and listen to what they say (i.e. she’s seen this task before, so don’t do a patented Tre Azam ‘fish titties’ number, unless you want more screen time, in which case…). She reminds them that the artists will be picking them. Boo for sensible PMing! (Spoiler - It won’t last…)
There are five artists to choose from, half in London, half in Bristol – which is no surprise, as not only does it have the Banksy connection, it also contains the largest proportion of hipsters in the country outside of the twatty bits of London. (Bristol’s a nice place, don’t get me wrong, I go there fairly often as I have quite a lot of friends there, but seriously – So. Many. Hipsters.) [I blame Skins - Helen]
The teams have to become two sub-teams, with one sub-team going to each location. In Sterling’s sub-team, Ricky Martin and Nick2 have a serious conversation about whether they look ‘too corporate’ and if they should take off their ties. They then decide to ‘run that past Gabi’. It's actually quite cute. In Phoenix’s sub team, Jade blabs that ‘the whole mystery of Banksy is that no-one knows him’ to which Adam tries to earn more ‘real man’ points by saying ‘everyone knows him, but he’s like the Stig, innee?’ Top Gear jokes. What is this, 2009?
Their first stop is in Bristol, ‘hotbed of hipster twats’, sorry ‘urban art’. And also falafel. I have never seen a place in this country which sells so much falafel. Mmm. Falafel. /homersimpson. Jade and Adam meet ‘anti-establishment artist’ (So. Many. *Cough*s.) SPQR. He’s basically a third rate Banksy, and he looks a bit like a grumpy Matt the Hat from Dodgy. Only his hat is a beanie. Obviously. One of his art pieces is a giant needle. Adam claims to love it as ‘it gets your mind going’. Another piece says ‘keep your brain wash’ and Adam says ‘it’s like about the media and that’. As someone who teaches Media Studies, I feel I should offer some important comment here on the different models of audiencehood and the complex nature of our relationship with ‘the media’ but, nah, fuck it. It’s Adam.
He idiotterviews that he knows nothing about art, so his STRATEGEH is to give the artists his ‘unbiased’ (except, er, he means biased) interpretation of their art. Or, you know, ramp up his screen time. Again. Some more. Twat the Hat, like me, can’t tell if Adam is being insulting, naïve or calculating.
The other sub-team visit Renault, a corporate client laid on by LordSralanSugar in this year’s attempt to put a twist on the task. Tom says, ‘from my knowledge, you work very much with cool, joie de vivre’ (he means Renault here. Whose ad campaigns are Thierry Henry dicking about with trumpets and Papa/Nicole’s vaguely incestuous rumblings. Joie de vivre!). Laura lies that they are ‘bang on trend.’ A French member of team Renault says the most important thing is that they are French. French French French. So something with onions and garlic and the Eiffel tower and… oh yeah, and also sexy and innovative. Stick a trumpet on it, job’s a good ‘un. Tom asks about their budget and they say £5,000. Nick loveterviews that Tom did a good job and he’s going to be a good leader.
Gabrielle and co go to Beefeater Gin who want some urban art that is contemporary, about London and is also about the heritage they have. So a blurry picture of a red phone box then? Job’s a good ‘un. Gabrielle says they want someone who’s individual with a bit of a twist. Stephen tells them to get on the train with the artist. For why? Karren points out that they didn’t ask about the budget.
Gabrielle and her sub-team go to a very normal looking house (so hip!) and meet artist Nathan, whose pieces ALL seem to be deformed versions of Daleks in different colours [just like the abominations in the recent Doctor Who series then – Gallifrey Base]. He is wearing a twat hat. Readers of The Bitch Factor will know my feelings about these things. Nathan says he used to be a builder and he ‘came up with these characters’ based on builders. All resemblances to properties owned by the estate of Terry Nation are entirely coincidental, honest guv. Anyway, some of his pieces have Union Jacks on them, so Gabrielle is totally sold.
In Bristol, and Ricky Martin and Nick2 are wandering through graffiti-filled streets, looking scared that someone might, at any moment, leap out at them and try to sell them hemp soap. Or falafel. There are even some Nathan Daleks on a wall. Exterminate! Ricky Martin calls them ‘crazy alien workmen’ and says they’d sell well in London but he thinks they’re awful. But if they'll sell well in London, then surely that's the point?
They visit Copyright, whose paintings are actually not that bad, in a try-hard, would-appeal-to-people-who-wish-they'd-been-goths--when-they-were-younger-but-they-couldn't-be-bothered-with-the-music-or-clothing-although-they-did-wear-eyeliner-from-time-to-time sort of way. I googled him to see if he actually spelled his name KopiWright or anything, and he uses a copyright and a registered symbol for his C and R. The ‘C’ I could live with, but two of the things is just edginess gone mad. He also says this about his art: ‘Kinda bitter sweet, deadly tattooed hot chicks, dripping, melancholy, pop chop Chinatown.’ These urban artists really are like Apprenti, aren't they?
Anyway, the pieces are accessible enough that they’d sell, and the cheapest ones are just over £100, whilst the most expensive ones are £2,750. Nick asks if he’s been to THAT LONDON before, and Copyright says he’s been once and sold fifty paintings. Next up, a man who looks like someone’s dad and is REALLY OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW BETTER THAN TO CALL HIMSELF, ahem, ‘Pure Evil’. His paintings are all pop-art style canvases of Jackie Onassis crying paint. And other women crying paint. And one woman with a Dali moustache. EDGY. Tom tries to prove his hipster credentials by lying that he has urban art in his house [it’s not a lie! I have a Banksy postcard on my fridge and everything - Tom] and saying he associates urban art with ‘spray’ and he mentions Banksy and Andre the Giant and reads from a Wikipedia page about urban art at breakneck speed to show how well he’s memorised it. Given this guy uses paint rather than spray from the looks of things, I don’t think he gives two shiny shits, and he’s probably also trying to work out if Tom is putting a burn on him by suggesting he’s not proper ‘urban art’ and therefore unworthy of Tom’s Wotherspoony approval.
Nick loveterviews that Tom knows so much about urban art. I know Nick has to get an irrational boner for a contestant every year, but this episode he is so ridiculous with it, it’s embarrassing. Even he has to concede that he doesn’t think the artist will go with them because they don’t actually seem to like him much.
Tom and Laura in the cab delude themselves that the artist liked them and was ‘impressed’ with Tom’s ‘knowledge’. Gabrielle, on the other hand, sucks up to the artist and says she’s really drawn to everything in there. Guess which team he’ll choose anyone? Hard, I know.
Jade and Adam visit Copyright. Adam likes all the boobs and bums PHWOAR, like a real-man, honest gor blimey.
Gabrielle’s sub-team visit James Jessop, who produces huge B-movie style canvases, looks like a Mitchell Brother and speaks in a monotone that makes Gary Barlow sound dynamic, slurring his words together in a way that makes Leon Jackson sound articulate. Stephen asks if ‘Conno-saurs’ buy his work, and James Jessop says some sucker in Los Angeles paid £15,000 for two last week. In the Sterling cab, Stephen makes a late-ditch-attempt to out-Adam Adam by saying ‘these people’ are what art is about: ‘nutcases with a bit of genius in them’ and likens PURE EVIL having a silly name in his forties to Van Goh chopping his ear off.
Tom and Laura then go to see inarticulate James Jessop and his giant pieces. James Jessop, doing another great impersonation of an Apprentice candidate, makes a ‘rawr’ sound when he talks about one painting, and of another one, of an urban landscape with a train carriage on, he says ‘if I could go back in 1982 in the TARDIS and spray paint a whole train, this is what I’d do’. Talk to Nathan, maybe one of his Daleks could locate the Doctor for you. (Also: 1982? Why? We still have trains now) [Even if they are the preserve of the elite after all these train fare hikes – Guardian blog commentator]. Laura asks what he’d fetch. James says his ‘record’ is £10,000. Laura says they’re an ‘acquired taste’. No kidding. Tom says they’re a bit too much of a risk.
The teams then go to East London to their galleries. Gabrielle wants Pure Evil, whilst Nick2 and Ricky Martin want Copyright. In her one line of the day, Jenna asks if they think Copyright will work for the corporate client. Stephen shouts over Nick2 and Ricky Martin that they will decide who to go with for the corporate client thanks very much and goodbye sub-team we’re not listening to. Is this just his revenge on Nick2 for sending him to the warehouse last week? He says they’ve seen the distillery, not Nick2 and Ricky Martin, so they should just ignore them and go for Nathan and Pure Evil. The other team want Copyright and Pure Evil. Has there ever been a series where two teams wanted completely different artists/products? Tom phones Pure Evil who tells him he’s not that interested in Moderate Insolence and therefore he’d rather go with Sterling (this will be my only Pure Evil name-related joke as I think You’re Fired kind of exhausted them all). The voiceover tells us Tom has no Plan B. Because he wouldn’t listen to that corporate, ad-whoring toss on his precious Bang and Olufsen, amirite?
He speaks to Jade and Adam who say Banksy redux was ‘controversial’. Did anyone on Phoenix even see Nathan’s Dalek rainbow? Tom decides to go for James Jessop, because he knows that sometimes on this show, selling one big piece can win a task. So: Sterling win Pure Evil and Nathan Dalek, whilst Phoenix win James Jessop and Copyright. Tom bitches in the car that ‘having knowledge, having expertise, having rapport with people doesn’t mean anything, which doesn’t make any sense to me’. I think, by rapport, he means basking in the glory of Tom, but seeing as Nick, Karren, LordSralanSugar and the other candidates have spent the whole series fellating him, it’s easy to see how he’d be confused. He whines that Pure Evil is mental for going with people who were actually, you know, nice to him.
The voiceover reminds us that collectors, hipsters and the corporate clients who are very much a minor sub-plot, will come to the galleries.
Gabrielle shows Ricky Martin and Nick2 Nathan’s art. Ricky Martin doesn’t like it but Gabrielle points out that it has Union Jacks on it, which, as we all know, is all you need. Her plan (actually quite a good one) is to get Nathan live drawing for the benefit of the corporate client. Stephen then phones with an idea, ‘to create the illusion of criminality and edginess, like BANKSY’, Nathan should do his live drawing outside, round the bins where no-one can see him and his offensive twat hat. The others tactfully try to tell him that the idea sucks. Stephen emphasises that it’s ‘way out of the box’. Gabrielle, in her best primary-school-teacher-dealing-with-the-special-boy-who-eats-crayons-voice says she ‘loves the idea, but no’. Stephen whines ‘thank you Gabrielle for loving the idea but not enough to take it on’ at her, and she, either missing the burn or choosing to ignore it, thanks him. He strops some more. Jenna just smiles. Her hair has gone all curly. This is about the only thing of note that happens to Jenna all episode, but to be honest, that’s fine – she’s growing on me and an under-the-radar week means she isn’t going anywhere yet.
James Jessop tells Tom to price one of his hideous B-movie giant paintings at 9 (9 what? Be specific) and go down to '6'. In the gallery, someone likes James’ big green monster and tells Tom people can relate to it because they’ve ‘seen it a million times before’. Edgy! Tom says people need to talk themselves into paying £10,000 for a painting and there’s not much they can do. So. Much. STRATEGEH.
Over at Sterling, Stephen is trying to bully people into ‘taking that away with you’. Copyrights are selling well for Phoenix. Adam blabs to a customer that artists appreciate his naivete and says he interprets one piece (of a mirrored women) as things being ‘not always the same’. He groanterviews that he has been asked about which medium Copyright uses and ‘a medium to me is being able to contact the other side’. I’m not sure if this would rank higher than ‘the size between a small and a large’ on the Adam Corbally 1970s punchline spectrum. Also, according to the official BBC website, he’s ‘32’, which is as believable as Stephen being ‘33’. Maybe this series is like reverse Life on Mars, where they’ve come through from the 1976 version of this show and somehow found themselves in 2012. Are they mad, in a coma, or… no, definitely the first one.
Laura interviews that she’s trying to let people have a look around first but Adam then keeps pouncing on them. And, er, selling stuff. Somehow. Tom tries to sell the James Jessop piece to the hipster version of Mooleen from The Voice who say it would fit perfectly on their chimney breast.
Over with Sterling, and Pure Evil is selling well – what’s interesting to note about this year’s art task is that they’re selling lots of prints – I’m sure in the past we didn’t see them selling prints, just the big art work? Either way, the prints seem to be what are shifting, so it’s a shrewd move. The crying Jackie Onassis picture, by the way? It’s called JFK’s Nightmare. Classy. Ricky Martin chats to an art collector and offers him three Pure Evils for £4,500. The man wants to spend £3,000. Ricky Martin does some rubbish negotiating with him, as the man is happy to pay £3,000 for two instead and in the end he pays £3,100 for the three. Also, in another Doctor Who-esque moment, he’s wearing a very Matt Smith style outfit, but his bow tie is all the colours of the rainbow, like Colin Baker. They had him looking at the wrong artist's work there.
Phoenix’s clients come over and they’re greeted with drinks. Tom tries to flog Copyright to them but doesn’t mention France once, so that’s clearly a non-starter. At Sterling, none of the team are on the door and so miss the gin people arriving. Stephen then finds them, waving his own drink around. He has an awkward conversation with them where he says Nathan’s who they’ve chosen, after much prompting from the Joely Richardson-esque member of team Beefeater who fancies herself as bitch of the week and says ‘nobody’s told us’ what’s happening. None of the other team seem to have noticed the corporate clients arriving. Stephen fumbles about a bit and then asks if they want a glass of wine. One of them says ‘well, we were hoping for a gin and tonic’. Stephen, in classic fire-tease-edit mode, then retorts, ‘I wish’.
The corporate clients leave without even seeing Nathan’s live art. Eventually Jenna manages to do something (with her hair back up) – and sells some prints of the new Dalek Paradigm at long last.
Last minute selling montage, in which the point of note is that no-one buys a James Jessop.
Boardroom time!
LordSralanSugar says ‘graf-fee-tee’ like it’s something he stepped in and then offers a terrible completely hilarious ‘writing’s on the wall’ gag. Tom says he was the PM for Phoenix and the best, most knowledgeable PM the team has ever seen, and they were lucky to have him. Adam points out that he was out of his comfort zone, and Sralan agrees via a terrible Turner/Turnip prize gag. Meh. It’s no Knees up Muvva Brown.
They reveal that they didn’t get Pure Evil. Nick says they didn’t seem very enthusiastic about representing him. LordSralanSugar tries to liken himself to an artist. Tom says maybe he was ‘too interested’ in him, which makes no sense and LordSralanSugar points out that Tom was more interested in showing himself off. Tom makes an ‘I’m going to be sick’ motion into his hand.
He then says he had a RISKEH STRATEGEH to go for James Jessop. Nick2 and Jenna say Gabrielle was a good PM for Sterling, whilst Stephen and Ricky Martin sulk because they’re still bitter about last week. They could have sold all that tan! And more! Karren says Gabrielle was a great schmoozer and couldn’t have bestowed her schmoozing on better subjects. The editors then do an amazing cut to Tom wearing a face of hatred, plotting his revenge on her for schmoozing some two-bit artists when she should have been worshipping at his feet like all mere mortals must.
LordSralanSugar raises the gin company fiasco and Gabrielle’s usual aversion to maths. She says she didn't ask their budget on purpose because it’s art! They should be willing to pay any price for the beauty! Union Jacks! (I actually have a soft spot for Gabrielle, but then I quite like most of the creatives, even mad Rachel with her shoes off)
LordSralanSugar huffs that the gin company had a budget of £10,000. Oops. Figures time! Beefeater gin bought £0. Renault spent £5000, generating a £2000 commission. Gallery sales for Phoenix = £5980, commission = £2,442. Overall = £4442. Sterling’s sales = £11,630 and a commission of £4,579.65. Not a huge margin of victory, but a whopping difference on the gallery sales.
Their reward is to ‘action paint’, which involves dressing up in boiler suits and pressing themselves against a canvas. It’s basically a cross between that time the Stone Roses went all Jackson Pollocky, that time in Big Brother 1 where they all went mental and got naked and pressed their bums on the wall and that time in Byker Grove when PJ went blind and a whole generation were putt off paintballing for life. Arty! Needless to say, Gabrielle loves it. Also – what is with all the art-themed rewards this year?
Loser café. Tom pulls a sour face. Again. Some more. He acknowledges that it’s his fault, because of the RISKEH STRATEGEH. Adam calls him wet behind the ears, which is a little unfair, as he’s about thirty years younger than Adam.
In the boardroom, Laura says James Jessop was too risky a STRATEGEH. Tom says he put all his eggs in one basket of pure evil. Heh. LordSralanSugar says the other team made over £10,000 on Pure Evil’s stuff. Ouch. Tom says Adam is exempt from any blame because he’s playing the faux (possibly) naïf card, and therefore Jade is to blame for anything that went wrong on the sub-team. I’m not sure of the logic there, as Jade never professed to be up on art either, but I suppose she’s not really like you Sralan so any excuse would be fine. But Copyright sold OK, Tom decided to go with James Jessop instead of Banksy Redux and Jade’s said about as much as Jenna this week so this is all a moot point.
Tom says the lack of James Jessop was his call but they still could have sold more in the gallery. We know learn that Adam sold £2,480, Jade £1500, Tom £1200 and Laura £750 EVEN THOUGH she has her own shop. Sralan says she’s not a good salesperson. Laura says she can sell, and Adam did a great job, but it was blagging, ‘that’s not an insult but...’ and that she didn’t know much about art either… LordSralanSugar points out Adam sold more and he was the most out of his depth because he’s just a humble fruit’n’veg man like Gregg Wallace guv’nor, COR, give that pudding a big snog, buttery biscuit base. I’m still not sure why Adam is somehow less ‘qualified’ to know about art than any of the others, but nevertheless, his redemption (/being kept for a rotty mauling come interviews time) edit continues apace. Unfortunately.
Obviously Jade and Laura are coming back in. Nick, Karren and LordSralanSugar say Laura sucks on the task but is good in the boardroom, Jade stands back too much and ‘the only time Tom was in trouble’ was when he lost Pure Evil. Blech. LordSralanSugar mentions Laura putting sales on her ‘application’. I am missing the lack of REZ-HOO-MAY action this series. It’s about as disconcerting as the lack of PM firings.
Tom says Jade’s back there because she was on the sub-team and she didn’t like Banksy Redux enough. She tries to argue back and Tom whines that he ‘didn’t want you to push him, I wanted you to be objective’. I have no idea what he even means here. He then whines that he makes decisions unlike Jade and they have a pointless spat. Tom reminds us that he STRATEGISES and points out that he is YOUNG and blabs that he runs a company with a multi-million pound turnover (O RLY?). Also: BANKSY. SralanLordSugar then drops in the Katie Hopkins memorial ‘are you here for the right reasons’ curveball, which I am guessing will come back in interviews.
Tom then whines at high speed in much the same way he tried to ‘court’ Pure Evil by the sound of his own drone. He then says he doesn’t even know what Jade and Laura did. Jade points out she chose Copyright and sold more than him. He says Adam sold the most and he wooed the corporate client – although it wasn’t like he even let the others try. Jade says she chose the art work for the corporate client so it was a team effort. Tom sulks and then said Laura should be fired. Jade, immediately sensing which way this boardroom is going to go, stops attacking Tom and says Laura should go, and that she was with Tom when he chose the monster paintings so should take some accountability.
Laura blabs about how great she is, using that annoying Apprentice thing of saying ‘myself’ whenever she means ‘me’ or ‘I’. LordSralanSugar says she talks a lot, although she doesn’t talk as much as Tom and she is at least more animated. LordSralanSugar says Tom wasn’t good on this task and Jade sucked last week and should have pushed Banksy Redux. Tom gets the fire-teasing because LordSralanSugar is concerned about him ‘taking the space of someone else’. It’s like he’s dropping plot hints about the rest of Tom’s story arc, isn’t it?
Anyway, Laura is fired because she sold the least and because in this series, PMs never get fired. Coatwatch: the same belted brown thing she’s been wearing all series. It’s supposed to be like Big Brother, you’re supposed to have a (boring, black) eviction outfit prepared. Must try harder. She seems fairly philosophical in the cab, wishing she’d sold more.
At the house, Adam says anyone could go. He is the most enthusiastic at greeting the other two. Tom says he was kept in for making decisions. There are still eight of these people left, which seems a lot.
Next week: selling English sparkling wine! The traditional terrible TV advert task! Join us then!
Six am at the Business Big Brother-meets-Blockbusters mansion and a bleary-eyed Jade is informed by NotNotFrances that they’re to meet LordSralanSugar at Waterloo station in fifteen minutes where millions of people will be swarming like flies and we can remember that Napoleon, he did surrender. Isn’t some sort of pop music challenge well overdue? [I'd actually pay to see that - Helen]
In the cars, Adam says he ‘can’t be doing with three losses on the bounce’ and Tom pulls ridiculous sourface. Ever since our friend, Only Connect team-mate and sometime tellybitcher Chris pointed out how he was this year’s Wotherspoon, I’ve taken against him, and (spoilers) tonight he seems to finally get his – well, whatever the opposite of a redemption arc is – deredemption? Dedemption? Also, for those wondering why we’re not blogging The Voice, head over to Chris’s blog, as Steve is joining him on recap duty over there. It’s ever so modern, they have pictures and everything.
Nick and Stephen say Sterling are on a roll and they’ve each won five out of seven tasks, ‘as have you Gabi? Or is it four’. ‘Three’. I can’t quite work out if Stephen genuinely thought Gabrielle had won several or if he was deliberately trolling.
The candidates get to see LordSralanSugar in ‘high definition’ – which is just BBC voiceover speak for ‘on a big fuck-off screen in a tunnel because he can’t be bothered getting up this early just to stand in a sewer’. High definition is already sounding a bit 2008, isn’t it? It’s like when Radio 1 did that countdown on the bank holiday of the 150 best-selling songs of the 21st century so far and called it ‘of the millennium’, which was, I believe, the first time anyone’s used that word since January 2000, and it sounded hilariously out-of-touch in a Smashie and Nicey kind of way. But then, what are the likes of Fearne Cotton and Nick Grimshaw if not a younger Smashie and Nicey in hipster togs? And speaking of hipsters, the challenge this week is to sell ‘urban art’ in ‘cutting edge galleries’. LordSralanSugar can’t even hide his grimace as he says these words.
Anyway, it’s the return of the art task, and they have to represent two artists each and make the most commission they can. Gabrielle can’t hide her glee. Voiceover man tells us that graffiti artists like Banksy, and, erm, some other people, can make a lot of money. Thanks for that.
Over at Sterling, Stephen does that horrible thing of his where he puts his lips light up above his teeth so he looks like a hamster as he says he’d quite like to be PM, but Gabrielle pulls out her ‘I am this series’ designated creative one’ card and gets voted in. She mentions having done this before and the important part involves ‘sorting out the catering, making everyone happy’ – this may be important to remember later.
On Phoenix, Tom hipsterviews that he likes graffiti and that he ‘understands the technicalities of how it is produced’. Does he mean… a) he had a young-trying-to-be-trendy art teacher at school who once gave them the BEST LESSON EVER on how to do graffiti, with spray cans and stencils and everything, until the head of art found out and next week it was back to replicating Monets. Again. Some more, b) he once came up with his very own tag and scrawled it in marker pen on the bus stop round the back of Sainsbury’s. Such a rebel! c) He once scrawled his name in biro on the desk in the science lab or d) he flicked through the pages of Banksy’s Wall and Piece in Waterstone’s once. [I'm going for d) Someone got him "Exit Through The Gift Shop" for Christmas last year and the cellophane is still on it but he's learned about it through osmsis or something - Helen]
Tom says he knows what a ‘good quality piece is and a bad quality piece is’ and he would be able to read it, unlike ‘you guys’ who ‘might not know what the words say’. Nice way to insult your whole team there. Adam says ‘that’s music to my ears, Tom’. I can’t work out if he’s actually a genius and this village idiot schtick is a cunning ruse to get more airtime and thus the ‘music to my ears’ comment actually means he can smell a super-arrogant PM fail. But then again, it’s Adam, so probably not. He says most graffiti is just words (which he, as a mere simpleton and not a demigod like Tom, cannot possibly hope to understand) but he assumes it’s the ‘pictures’ that are worth money.
Tom says it needs to have ‘a message’ and ‘a bit of history behind it’ and ‘one of the reason’s Banksy’s so famous which you might not be aware of is that no-one knows who he is’. If we were playing Family Fortunes, and the public were asked to name a famous graffiti artist, not only would Banksy be the top answer, he would be the ONLY answer. And if they were asked to name one thing they knew about him, the whole ‘anonymity’ thing would be up there, way above the snogging policemen.
Back with Sterling, Gabrielle tells the team to listen to the artists with enthusiasm and listen to what they say (i.e. she’s seen this task before, so don’t do a patented Tre Azam ‘fish titties’ number, unless you want more screen time, in which case…). She reminds them that the artists will be picking them. Boo for sensible PMing! (Spoiler - It won’t last…)
There are five artists to choose from, half in London, half in Bristol – which is no surprise, as not only does it have the Banksy connection, it also contains the largest proportion of hipsters in the country outside of the twatty bits of London. (Bristol’s a nice place, don’t get me wrong, I go there fairly often as I have quite a lot of friends there, but seriously – So. Many. Hipsters.) [I blame Skins - Helen]
The teams have to become two sub-teams, with one sub-team going to each location. In Sterling’s sub-team, Ricky Martin and Nick2 have a serious conversation about whether they look ‘too corporate’ and if they should take off their ties. They then decide to ‘run that past Gabi’. It's actually quite cute. In Phoenix’s sub team, Jade blabs that ‘the whole mystery of Banksy is that no-one knows him’ to which Adam tries to earn more ‘real man’ points by saying ‘everyone knows him, but he’s like the Stig, innee?’ Top Gear jokes. What is this, 2009?
Their first stop is in Bristol, ‘hotbed of hipster twats’, sorry ‘urban art’. And also falafel. I have never seen a place in this country which sells so much falafel. Mmm. Falafel. /homersimpson. Jade and Adam meet ‘anti-establishment artist’ (So. Many. *Cough*s.) SPQR. He’s basically a third rate Banksy, and he looks a bit like a grumpy Matt the Hat from Dodgy. Only his hat is a beanie. Obviously. One of his art pieces is a giant needle. Adam claims to love it as ‘it gets your mind going’. Another piece says ‘keep your brain wash’ and Adam says ‘it’s like about the media and that’. As someone who teaches Media Studies, I feel I should offer some important comment here on the different models of audiencehood and the complex nature of our relationship with ‘the media’ but, nah, fuck it. It’s Adam.
He idiotterviews that he knows nothing about art, so his STRATEGEH is to give the artists his ‘unbiased’ (except, er, he means biased) interpretation of their art. Or, you know, ramp up his screen time. Again. Some more. Twat the Hat, like me, can’t tell if Adam is being insulting, naïve or calculating.
The other sub-team visit Renault, a corporate client laid on by LordSralanSugar in this year’s attempt to put a twist on the task. Tom says, ‘from my knowledge, you work very much with cool, joie de vivre’ (he means Renault here. Whose ad campaigns are Thierry Henry dicking about with trumpets and Papa/Nicole’s vaguely incestuous rumblings. Joie de vivre!). Laura lies that they are ‘bang on trend.’ A French member of team Renault says the most important thing is that they are French. French French French. So something with onions and garlic and the Eiffel tower and… oh yeah, and also sexy and innovative. Stick a trumpet on it, job’s a good ‘un. Tom asks about their budget and they say £5,000. Nick loveterviews that Tom did a good job and he’s going to be a good leader.
Gabrielle and co go to Beefeater Gin who want some urban art that is contemporary, about London and is also about the heritage they have. So a blurry picture of a red phone box then? Job’s a good ‘un. Gabrielle says they want someone who’s individual with a bit of a twist. Stephen tells them to get on the train with the artist. For why? Karren points out that they didn’t ask about the budget.
Gabrielle and her sub-team go to a very normal looking house (so hip!) and meet artist Nathan, whose pieces ALL seem to be deformed versions of Daleks in different colours [just like the abominations in the recent Doctor Who series then – Gallifrey Base]. He is wearing a twat hat. Readers of The Bitch Factor will know my feelings about these things. Nathan says he used to be a builder and he ‘came up with these characters’ based on builders. All resemblances to properties owned by the estate of Terry Nation are entirely coincidental, honest guv. Anyway, some of his pieces have Union Jacks on them, so Gabrielle is totally sold.
In Bristol, and Ricky Martin and Nick2 are wandering through graffiti-filled streets, looking scared that someone might, at any moment, leap out at them and try to sell them hemp soap. Or falafel. There are even some Nathan Daleks on a wall. Exterminate! Ricky Martin calls them ‘crazy alien workmen’ and says they’d sell well in London but he thinks they’re awful. But if they'll sell well in London, then surely that's the point?
They visit Copyright, whose paintings are actually not that bad, in a try-hard, would-appeal-to-people-who-wish-they'd-been-goths--when-they-were-younger-but-they-couldn't-be-bothered-with-the-music-or-clothing-although-they-did-wear-eyeliner-from-time-to-time sort of way. I googled him to see if he actually spelled his name KopiWright or anything, and he uses a copyright and a registered symbol for his C and R. The ‘C’ I could live with, but two of the things is just edginess gone mad. He also says this about his art: ‘Kinda bitter sweet, deadly tattooed hot chicks, dripping, melancholy, pop chop Chinatown.’ These urban artists really are like Apprenti, aren't they?
Anyway, the pieces are accessible enough that they’d sell, and the cheapest ones are just over £100, whilst the most expensive ones are £2,750. Nick asks if he’s been to THAT LONDON before, and Copyright says he’s been once and sold fifty paintings. Next up, a man who looks like someone’s dad and is REALLY OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW BETTER THAN TO CALL HIMSELF, ahem, ‘Pure Evil’. His paintings are all pop-art style canvases of Jackie Onassis crying paint. And other women crying paint. And one woman with a Dali moustache. EDGY. Tom tries to prove his hipster credentials by lying that he has urban art in his house [it’s not a lie! I have a Banksy postcard on my fridge and everything - Tom] and saying he associates urban art with ‘spray’ and he mentions Banksy and Andre the Giant and reads from a Wikipedia page about urban art at breakneck speed to show how well he’s memorised it. Given this guy uses paint rather than spray from the looks of things, I don’t think he gives two shiny shits, and he’s probably also trying to work out if Tom is putting a burn on him by suggesting he’s not proper ‘urban art’ and therefore unworthy of Tom’s Wotherspoony approval.
Nick loveterviews that Tom knows so much about urban art. I know Nick has to get an irrational boner for a contestant every year, but this episode he is so ridiculous with it, it’s embarrassing. Even he has to concede that he doesn’t think the artist will go with them because they don’t actually seem to like him much.
Tom and Laura in the cab delude themselves that the artist liked them and was ‘impressed’ with Tom’s ‘knowledge’. Gabrielle, on the other hand, sucks up to the artist and says she’s really drawn to everything in there. Guess which team he’ll choose anyone? Hard, I know.
Jade and Adam visit Copyright. Adam likes all the boobs and bums PHWOAR, like a real-man, honest gor blimey.
Gabrielle’s sub-team visit James Jessop, who produces huge B-movie style canvases, looks like a Mitchell Brother and speaks in a monotone that makes Gary Barlow sound dynamic, slurring his words together in a way that makes Leon Jackson sound articulate. Stephen asks if ‘Conno-saurs’ buy his work, and James Jessop says some sucker in Los Angeles paid £15,000 for two last week. In the Sterling cab, Stephen makes a late-ditch-attempt to out-Adam Adam by saying ‘these people’ are what art is about: ‘nutcases with a bit of genius in them’ and likens PURE EVIL having a silly name in his forties to Van Goh chopping his ear off.
Tom and Laura then go to see inarticulate James Jessop and his giant pieces. James Jessop, doing another great impersonation of an Apprentice candidate, makes a ‘rawr’ sound when he talks about one painting, and of another one, of an urban landscape with a train carriage on, he says ‘if I could go back in 1982 in the TARDIS and spray paint a whole train, this is what I’d do’. Talk to Nathan, maybe one of his Daleks could locate the Doctor for you. (Also: 1982? Why? We still have trains now) [Even if they are the preserve of the elite after all these train fare hikes – Guardian blog commentator]. Laura asks what he’d fetch. James says his ‘record’ is £10,000. Laura says they’re an ‘acquired taste’. No kidding. Tom says they’re a bit too much of a risk.
The teams then go to East London to their galleries. Gabrielle wants Pure Evil, whilst Nick2 and Ricky Martin want Copyright. In her one line of the day, Jenna asks if they think Copyright will work for the corporate client. Stephen shouts over Nick2 and Ricky Martin that they will decide who to go with for the corporate client thanks very much and goodbye sub-team we’re not listening to. Is this just his revenge on Nick2 for sending him to the warehouse last week? He says they’ve seen the distillery, not Nick2 and Ricky Martin, so they should just ignore them and go for Nathan and Pure Evil. The other team want Copyright and Pure Evil. Has there ever been a series where two teams wanted completely different artists/products? Tom phones Pure Evil who tells him he’s not that interested in Moderate Insolence and therefore he’d rather go with Sterling (this will be my only Pure Evil name-related joke as I think You’re Fired kind of exhausted them all). The voiceover tells us Tom has no Plan B. Because he wouldn’t listen to that corporate, ad-whoring toss on his precious Bang and Olufsen, amirite?
He speaks to Jade and Adam who say Banksy redux was ‘controversial’. Did anyone on Phoenix even see Nathan’s Dalek rainbow? Tom decides to go for James Jessop, because he knows that sometimes on this show, selling one big piece can win a task. So: Sterling win Pure Evil and Nathan Dalek, whilst Phoenix win James Jessop and Copyright. Tom bitches in the car that ‘having knowledge, having expertise, having rapport with people doesn’t mean anything, which doesn’t make any sense to me’. I think, by rapport, he means basking in the glory of Tom, but seeing as Nick, Karren, LordSralanSugar and the other candidates have spent the whole series fellating him, it’s easy to see how he’d be confused. He whines that Pure Evil is mental for going with people who were actually, you know, nice to him.
The voiceover reminds us that collectors, hipsters and the corporate clients who are very much a minor sub-plot, will come to the galleries.
Gabrielle shows Ricky Martin and Nick2 Nathan’s art. Ricky Martin doesn’t like it but Gabrielle points out that it has Union Jacks on it, which, as we all know, is all you need. Her plan (actually quite a good one) is to get Nathan live drawing for the benefit of the corporate client. Stephen then phones with an idea, ‘to create the illusion of criminality and edginess, like BANKSY’, Nathan should do his live drawing outside, round the bins where no-one can see him and his offensive twat hat. The others tactfully try to tell him that the idea sucks. Stephen emphasises that it’s ‘way out of the box’. Gabrielle, in her best primary-school-teacher-dealing-with-the-special-boy-who-eats-crayons-voice says she ‘loves the idea, but no’. Stephen whines ‘thank you Gabrielle for loving the idea but not enough to take it on’ at her, and she, either missing the burn or choosing to ignore it, thanks him. He strops some more. Jenna just smiles. Her hair has gone all curly. This is about the only thing of note that happens to Jenna all episode, but to be honest, that’s fine – she’s growing on me and an under-the-radar week means she isn’t going anywhere yet.
James Jessop tells Tom to price one of his hideous B-movie giant paintings at 9 (9 what? Be specific) and go down to '6'. In the gallery, someone likes James’ big green monster and tells Tom people can relate to it because they’ve ‘seen it a million times before’. Edgy! Tom says people need to talk themselves into paying £10,000 for a painting and there’s not much they can do. So. Much. STRATEGEH.
Over at Sterling, Stephen is trying to bully people into ‘taking that away with you’. Copyrights are selling well for Phoenix. Adam blabs to a customer that artists appreciate his naivete and says he interprets one piece (of a mirrored women) as things being ‘not always the same’. He groanterviews that he has been asked about which medium Copyright uses and ‘a medium to me is being able to contact the other side’. I’m not sure if this would rank higher than ‘the size between a small and a large’ on the Adam Corbally 1970s punchline spectrum. Also, according to the official BBC website, he’s ‘32’, which is as believable as Stephen being ‘33’. Maybe this series is like reverse Life on Mars, where they’ve come through from the 1976 version of this show and somehow found themselves in 2012. Are they mad, in a coma, or… no, definitely the first one.
Laura interviews that she’s trying to let people have a look around first but Adam then keeps pouncing on them. And, er, selling stuff. Somehow. Tom tries to sell the James Jessop piece to the hipster version of Mooleen from The Voice who say it would fit perfectly on their chimney breast.
Over with Sterling, and Pure Evil is selling well – what’s interesting to note about this year’s art task is that they’re selling lots of prints – I’m sure in the past we didn’t see them selling prints, just the big art work? Either way, the prints seem to be what are shifting, so it’s a shrewd move. The crying Jackie Onassis picture, by the way? It’s called JFK’s Nightmare. Classy. Ricky Martin chats to an art collector and offers him three Pure Evils for £4,500. The man wants to spend £3,000. Ricky Martin does some rubbish negotiating with him, as the man is happy to pay £3,000 for two instead and in the end he pays £3,100 for the three. Also, in another Doctor Who-esque moment, he’s wearing a very Matt Smith style outfit, but his bow tie is all the colours of the rainbow, like Colin Baker. They had him looking at the wrong artist's work there.
Phoenix’s clients come over and they’re greeted with drinks. Tom tries to flog Copyright to them but doesn’t mention France once, so that’s clearly a non-starter. At Sterling, none of the team are on the door and so miss the gin people arriving. Stephen then finds them, waving his own drink around. He has an awkward conversation with them where he says Nathan’s who they’ve chosen, after much prompting from the Joely Richardson-esque member of team Beefeater who fancies herself as bitch of the week and says ‘nobody’s told us’ what’s happening. None of the other team seem to have noticed the corporate clients arriving. Stephen fumbles about a bit and then asks if they want a glass of wine. One of them says ‘well, we were hoping for a gin and tonic’. Stephen, in classic fire-tease-edit mode, then retorts, ‘I wish’.
The corporate clients leave without even seeing Nathan’s live art. Eventually Jenna manages to do something (with her hair back up) – and sells some prints of the new Dalek Paradigm at long last.
Last minute selling montage, in which the point of note is that no-one buys a James Jessop.
Boardroom time!
LordSralanSugar says ‘graf-fee-tee’ like it’s something he stepped in and then offers a terrible completely hilarious ‘writing’s on the wall’ gag. Tom says he was the PM for Phoenix and the best, most knowledgeable PM the team has ever seen, and they were lucky to have him. Adam points out that he was out of his comfort zone, and Sralan agrees via a terrible Turner/Turnip prize gag. Meh. It’s no Knees up Muvva Brown.
They reveal that they didn’t get Pure Evil. Nick says they didn’t seem very enthusiastic about representing him. LordSralanSugar tries to liken himself to an artist. Tom says maybe he was ‘too interested’ in him, which makes no sense and LordSralanSugar points out that Tom was more interested in showing himself off. Tom makes an ‘I’m going to be sick’ motion into his hand.
He then says he had a RISKEH STRATEGEH to go for James Jessop. Nick2 and Jenna say Gabrielle was a good PM for Sterling, whilst Stephen and Ricky Martin sulk because they’re still bitter about last week. They could have sold all that tan! And more! Karren says Gabrielle was a great schmoozer and couldn’t have bestowed her schmoozing on better subjects. The editors then do an amazing cut to Tom wearing a face of hatred, plotting his revenge on her for schmoozing some two-bit artists when she should have been worshipping at his feet like all mere mortals must.
LordSralanSugar raises the gin company fiasco and Gabrielle’s usual aversion to maths. She says she didn't ask their budget on purpose because it’s art! They should be willing to pay any price for the beauty! Union Jacks! (I actually have a soft spot for Gabrielle, but then I quite like most of the creatives, even mad Rachel with her shoes off)
LordSralanSugar huffs that the gin company had a budget of £10,000. Oops. Figures time! Beefeater gin bought £0. Renault spent £5000, generating a £2000 commission. Gallery sales for Phoenix = £5980, commission = £2,442. Overall = £4442. Sterling’s sales = £11,630 and a commission of £4,579.65. Not a huge margin of victory, but a whopping difference on the gallery sales.
Their reward is to ‘action paint’, which involves dressing up in boiler suits and pressing themselves against a canvas. It’s basically a cross between that time the Stone Roses went all Jackson Pollocky, that time in Big Brother 1 where they all went mental and got naked and pressed their bums on the wall and that time in Byker Grove when PJ went blind and a whole generation were putt off paintballing for life. Arty! Needless to say, Gabrielle loves it. Also – what is with all the art-themed rewards this year?
Loser café. Tom pulls a sour face. Again. Some more. He acknowledges that it’s his fault, because of the RISKEH STRATEGEH. Adam calls him wet behind the ears, which is a little unfair, as he’s about thirty years younger than Adam.
In the boardroom, Laura says James Jessop was too risky a STRATEGEH. Tom says he put all his eggs in one basket of pure evil. Heh. LordSralanSugar says the other team made over £10,000 on Pure Evil’s stuff. Ouch. Tom says Adam is exempt from any blame because he’s playing the faux (possibly) naïf card, and therefore Jade is to blame for anything that went wrong on the sub-team. I’m not sure of the logic there, as Jade never professed to be up on art either, but I suppose she’s not really like you Sralan so any excuse would be fine. But Copyright sold OK, Tom decided to go with James Jessop instead of Banksy Redux and Jade’s said about as much as Jenna this week so this is all a moot point.
Tom says the lack of James Jessop was his call but they still could have sold more in the gallery. We know learn that Adam sold £2,480, Jade £1500, Tom £1200 and Laura £750 EVEN THOUGH she has her own shop. Sralan says she’s not a good salesperson. Laura says she can sell, and Adam did a great job, but it was blagging, ‘that’s not an insult but...’ and that she didn’t know much about art either… LordSralanSugar points out Adam sold more and he was the most out of his depth because he’s just a humble fruit’n’veg man like Gregg Wallace guv’nor, COR, give that pudding a big snog, buttery biscuit base. I’m still not sure why Adam is somehow less ‘qualified’ to know about art than any of the others, but nevertheless, his redemption (/being kept for a rotty mauling come interviews time) edit continues apace. Unfortunately.
Obviously Jade and Laura are coming back in. Nick, Karren and LordSralanSugar say Laura sucks on the task but is good in the boardroom, Jade stands back too much and ‘the only time Tom was in trouble’ was when he lost Pure Evil. Blech. LordSralanSugar mentions Laura putting sales on her ‘application’. I am missing the lack of REZ-HOO-MAY action this series. It’s about as disconcerting as the lack of PM firings.
Tom says Jade’s back there because she was on the sub-team and she didn’t like Banksy Redux enough. She tries to argue back and Tom whines that he ‘didn’t want you to push him, I wanted you to be objective’. I have no idea what he even means here. He then whines that he makes decisions unlike Jade and they have a pointless spat. Tom reminds us that he STRATEGISES and points out that he is YOUNG and blabs that he runs a company with a multi-million pound turnover (O RLY?). Also: BANKSY. SralanLordSugar then drops in the Katie Hopkins memorial ‘are you here for the right reasons’ curveball, which I am guessing will come back in interviews.
Tom then whines at high speed in much the same way he tried to ‘court’ Pure Evil by the sound of his own drone. He then says he doesn’t even know what Jade and Laura did. Jade points out she chose Copyright and sold more than him. He says Adam sold the most and he wooed the corporate client – although it wasn’t like he even let the others try. Jade says she chose the art work for the corporate client so it was a team effort. Tom sulks and then said Laura should be fired. Jade, immediately sensing which way this boardroom is going to go, stops attacking Tom and says Laura should go, and that she was with Tom when he chose the monster paintings so should take some accountability.
Laura blabs about how great she is, using that annoying Apprentice thing of saying ‘myself’ whenever she means ‘me’ or ‘I’. LordSralanSugar says she talks a lot, although she doesn’t talk as much as Tom and she is at least more animated. LordSralanSugar says Tom wasn’t good on this task and Jade sucked last week and should have pushed Banksy Redux. Tom gets the fire-teasing because LordSralanSugar is concerned about him ‘taking the space of someone else’. It’s like he’s dropping plot hints about the rest of Tom’s story arc, isn’t it?
Anyway, Laura is fired because she sold the least and because in this series, PMs never get fired. Coatwatch: the same belted brown thing she’s been wearing all series. It’s supposed to be like Big Brother, you’re supposed to have a (boring, black) eviction outfit prepared. Must try harder. She seems fairly philosophical in the cab, wishing she’d sold more.
At the house, Adam says anyone could go. He is the most enthusiastic at greeting the other two. Tom says he was kept in for making decisions. There are still eight of these people left, which seems a lot.
Next week: selling English sparkling wine! The traditional terrible TV advert task! Join us then!
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