Something corporate

Week Six: 5th June 2013

Previously: DUBAI! And the always-great "source a bunch of items in a short amount of time" task. Zee swore he knew Dubai like the back of his hand, and while that may have been the case, he didn't seem overly familiar with the sort of things you can buy there, insisting that the "oud" they were looking for was a fragrance rather than, as it turned out, a musical instrument. Meanwhile, Dr Leah struggled with the accent barrier, while Jason, Jordan and Luisa were officially the most adorable (and surprisingly efficient) subteam ever as they wandered around a mall and basically treated the task as a mini-holiday. And still did better than pretty much everyone else. Myles scored his fifth successive win, and his first as PM, while Zee made the huge mistake of bringing Natalie and Leah back into the boardroom where they teamed up to eviscerate him and call him a sexist piece of trash, and he got fired. Oops.

It's 6am at Entrepreneur Estates. A towel-clad Jordan heads down the stairs to answering the phone, revealing a horrible tattoo on the side of his torso in the process. The disembodied voice of NotFrances instructs him that LordAlan would like to meet the candidates at Guildhall, and that the cars will be there in half an hour. I appreciate that this is very much a staple of the series, but since it's pretty much always half an hour between the phone ringing and the cars arriving, I wonder why anyone ever bothers to answer it. It's not like they need to know where they're actually going, is it? Alternatively, Lord Sugar could just tell them what time they need to be ready the night before and allow poor NotFrances to have a lie-in, rather than having to be in the office at 6am every third day to make an entirely unnecessary phone call.

This week's gratuitous shirtlessness comes courtesy of Myles and Neil, as Neil - ever the sportsman - frets that he's "played five, won three, lost two" and therefore he needs to step up to the plate, give it all he's got, sick as a parrot, and other vaguely sports-related phrases. In the women's chambers, Natalie tells Dr Leah that they have to win this task, because she can't afford to be in the boardroom again, while Rebecca says (to herself, as far as I can tell) that she doesn't think she's impressed on the last few tasks, and she needs to show what she's capable of now more than ever. Luisa tells...somebody that Rebecca's desperate to be PM, but "I still don't rate her". Well, I'm sure she's devastated.

In possibly the most hilariously overblown transition yet, choral music blares out as the teams approach Guildhall and enter a chapel, where they assemble while Nick and Karren stare ahead dispassionately. We cut from shots of nervous-looking candidates, to scary-looking statues, to the lit-entirely-from-behind entrance of LordAlan, with the choristers getting louder all the while. This is basically the first five minutes of an episode of Lewis. Not that I'm saying one of this lot is about to snap and murder LordAlan in a brutal yet inventive manner, but I'm sure at least half of them are capable of it.

LordAlan tells them that they're at Guildhall because it's a location that hosts a lot of corporate events, and that's what they're doing this week: staging an awayday. He's set up two influential clients, and the candidates will be tasked with providing entertainment or an event, and they'll be judged both on the profit that they make and the customer's satisfaction. "This is not some jolly," warns LordAlan. "This is a business task where the client wants value for money." Well, they probably shouldn't have contracted it out to candidates on a reality show where you win by making as big a profit as possible, then.

It's time to mix the teams up a little bit, so Myles is being moved back to Endeavour, where Dr Leah will be the LordAlan-mandated project manager. On Evolve, because Francesca has experience in corporate events (presumably by hiring out her services as Britain's foremost Stella English lookalike), she will be PM. Blah blah blah, profit and customer satisfaction, one of the losers will be fired.

The voiceover informs us that the awayday market is worth £1bn a year, yet I don't think I've ever met anybody who actually enjoys being sent on awaydays. Mind you, most of the people I know work in sectors where an awayday basically involves being sent to do your work in a different building with a slightly better selection of biscuits, but being forced to interact with your colleagues more than usual.

Each team has two days to create and run an event to meet the brief of a corporate client. Francesca is pleased to be "PM at last" and congratulates herself for "intelligently pull[ing] back" from some of the other tasks. Luisa's makes a "lulwut" face in response to this. Francesca describes herself as "Mrs Corporate", while Luisa says that she's totally anti-corporate. "I hate the corporate world," she announces in an interview. "The boring black suits, I'm not into corporate jargon. I think it's boring, the people are dull." At this point, I wanted more than anything else for Luisa to survive long enough to make interviews, because that is going to be a culture-clash car crash and I for one am going to LOVE IT.

In an Endeavour Apprentaxi, Alex and Neil welcome Myles back to Evolve. Neil states that Dr Leah had "a point to prove" on the last task, but if she just lets everyone do what they're good at on this one, then they'll win. Well, I guess there's definitely a market for a "Neil talks about football while Myles sashays around in a thong"-themed awayday. I'm sure I could book a few people on that myself.

First up: brainstorming potential ideas. Neil thinks a clear theme is important. He suggests a back-to-school theme with events like a sack race and an egg-and-spoon race. Dr Leah likes the idea of a history-themed awayday that they can make "majestic". (Be prepared to hear that word a lot in the next five minutes, by the way.) Neil shoots her down by saying "everybody has been to school, not everybody is into history." Well, yes, but a lot of people weren't into school either, Neil. I think there are plenty of people who are in absolutely no hurry to relive those adolescent years of having no friends and getting beaten up behind the bike sheds. Er, so I'm told, anyway. He suggests they could get people to wear something school-themed, and someone chips in "St. Trinian's!" and Dr Leah reacts in horror. I think her instincts are right, incidentally: it's not that I'm against the school theme per se, but I think you need to take it seriously. There's a difference between arranging a school-themed awayday for a corporate client and arranging a School Disco night at Shooters, is what I'm saying.

Over on Evolve, Francesca suggests themes like Vegas, James Bond and the Moulin Rouge, but says that her two top choices are "luxury" and "back to school". This at least makes it sound like the teams were given a pre-determined shortlist of themes to choose from: I'm not saying it's impossible that they both would've come up with "back to school" independently, but given the way this show usually works, I'm thinking it's not just sheer coincidence. Also, "luxury"? Such an appropriate theme for an awayday in the current economic climate. I know I want our most dynamic business minds spending their time learning more about what luxury feels like. Back to school is a popular theme on Evolve, so they go with that. Francesca interviews that she's "not technically an event organiser" (that seems like quite a serious technicality to me), but she does supply to a lot of events like this so she has an idea of what people want to see.

Now they need to pick team-building tasks for the day (again, it would seem that they're choosing from a list given to them by production), and Rebecca suggests wine-tasting. At a back to school day. Jordan says that it would only fit in their theme as a "clandestine, don't-get-caught-by-the-teachers" thing. I must admit I'm a bit surprised that his school didn't have a resident sommelier stationed next to the ostrich burger van. I guess it wasn't that fancy after all. Another theme considered is chocolate-making, and Luisa points out that she does cupcake-making classes as part of her day job, and that's as close as dammit, damn it. So having Luisa do the class herself is a potential cost-saving strategy, though Francesca's concerned that they "don't want to stinge". Is stinge a verb now? I stinge, you stinge, we have stinged? Luisa counters that it's daft to pay for a chocolate-maker to come in and teach a class when she can do it for free, more or less, since that would save them £1000. Jordan volunteers to be financial controller, and Francesca delegates Luisa to go and investigate what the chocolate-maker is capable of, since Francesca deems Luisa to be entirely unbiased about her own abilities and therefore perfectly qualified to judge whether she can deliver a class of the same quality for a vastly-reduced price. This is the first of many mistakes that Francesca will make over the next two days. In the Apprentaxi with Jason, Luisa's off: she doesn't think Francesca's a good PM, she doesn't have any conviction in what she says, and she's setting herself up to fail already. This is going to be a long task, isn't it?

Over at Endeavour, Dr Leah is still pushing for a history theme, but Neil argues that it's too expensive. Dr Leah wants archery and "an English lawn game" as potential activities since they're reasonably-priced, but Neil whines that that "sounds boring". Neil calls for a vote on who wants a school theme, and he, Myles, Natalie and Alex raise their hands, while Dr Leah does not. Kurt's vote is a bit of a mystery: he may have his hand in the air, or he may just be biting his nails, it's hard to tell. Neil passive-aggressives: "you're project manager, it's four against two, but it's your call." Dr Leah asserts her authority and decides that she's going with the history theme. "I'm really worried this isn't fun!" cries Neil. I can't tell if he's specifically objecting to Dr Leah's interpretation of the history theme, or if he thinks it's genuinely impossible to ever make history enjoyable. If it's the latter, man, fuck him. I was crap at history at school, but you'll never convince me that it can't be fun if you do it properly. Karren interviews that previously in the boardroom, Dr Leah had admitted that she hadn't followed her gut instinct, but this time she has, "much against the majority of her team, regardless of the logic of the decision." SHADE. In the Apprentaxi, Alex bitches that Dr Leah made a "selfish decision", while Neil kvetches that he made it very clear, he's been to lots of these events, and he knows what works. Again, I'm not entirely sure if he's really making the distinction here between "what works" and "what Neil likes", so I'm not sure his pushing for a back to school theme was any less selfish than Dr Leah fighting so hard for history, but the decision's been made, so let's move on.

It's now noon, and half the teams are off to arrange activities while the others are off to meet with the clients. So they're going to be booking people up for the awaydays before they've had their themes signed off by the client? Sure, that sounds sensible. Francesca, Jordan and Rebecca go to meet with their clients: lastminute.com. (By which I mean they are working with the online deals agency, I wasn't channeling Natasha Scribbins describing their poor timekeeping.) Mr Lastminute.com says that their ethos has always been 5* experiences for 3* prices, and they need to collaborate and communicate quickly. "So there's supposed to be business value in this day, collaboration and communication," Jordan parrots back to him.

At 12:30pm over at Canary Wharf, Endeavour are due to meet with their client, Barclays Retail Banking. Well, at least now we know what they're doing with all that money that isn't going into taxes. Leah, Myles and Natalie are on their way to meet them, bickering and running late. For some reason they're all hovering by the lifts until Karren comes to fetch him, hissing "guys, your client's waiting". Well, maybe someone should've told them where to go then? I mean, I realise this team has not covered itself in glory so far but it didn't look like they were waiting there out of their own choice. They go in to the meeting, and Mr Barclays opens by bitching "you've obviously had a hectic morning." Dr Leah, bless her, either doesn't recognise this as a slam on her professionalism or simply doesn't care. She asks what they're hoping to get, and Mr Barclays says that their branch managers need to improve their listening and communication skills, and if this session that Endeavour arranges works out well, they're going to farm it out to cover 35,000 employees. Dr Leah pitches her ideas: the historic, medieval theme, "providing escapism, majestic, medieval, outdoor lawn games, with very classic hot food during the day, and just go with the classic medieval majestic escapism theme." Oy. Mr Barclays isn't keen: "I'm not here to solve this assignment for you. What we're looking for is a fresh perspective to this. It's very, very important that you keep the objective in mind - understanding and listening to customers better." Endeavour are dismissed, and Mr and Ms Barclays openly laugh at them as soon as they're gone. Outside, Dr Leah admits to Natalie and Myles that she's surprised at how the order of the day seems to be "it must not be fun". I'm not sure that's exactly what they were being told, but I guess at least it means Neil can stop worrying about how history is a total drag, man.

Speaking of the devil, Neil, Alex and Kurt are making a deal for an archery event in Hertfordshire. The archery woman charges £400, and Neil tries to negotiate down to £320. She tries to negotiate back up to £330, but Neil holds fast at £320, and they agree on that. Their celebrations on the way home are dampened by a call from Dr Leah, informing them that the client wants more of a focus on communication, so she's changed the theme from medieval to "army". I guess I sort of see the logic there, though I kind of wish we'd actually been able to see that conversation. Neil complains that Dr Leah "doesn't have a scooby."

Meanwhile, Jason and Luisa are meeting with Hannah the chocolatier, who explains that she demonstrates how people can make their own truffles. She asks Luisa if she's ever done anything like that, and Luisa's all "NO, BUT I HAVE A CAKE SHOP!" Jason asks about pricing, and Hannah says her fixed price is £795 for the first 12 people, and then it's an additional £70 for each extra guest. Luisa asks Hannah if she minds excusing them for a second while they step outside and talk about pricing. They shuffle into the corridor, and Luisa decides to make an executive decision to just source all the products themselves and she'll run the workshop, which Jason agrees with. They go back in and apologise to Hannah, and Luisa says that "just from a cost point of view", they're better off sourcing their own ingredients and having her do it, because "I am you, just in a different industry." Hannah's face: "girl, you are NOT me and I resent that implication so much that I'm considering suing you." Luisa, totally committed to making friends and influencing people, goes on to say that "there's no point in us paying £50 per head just for the stuff." Seriously, why is she saying ANY of this? Hannah does not need to know your alternative arrangements, and all you're doing is insulting her; just politely decline and leave. To cap a truly diabolical meeting, Luisa then asks Hannah if they can buy some piping bags off her. Hannah's face: "Get the fuck out of my kitchen."

Now in North London, Francesca, Rebecca and Jordan are shopping for school dinner ingredients in Morrisons. Well, Francesca and Rebecca are running around playing Supermarket Sweep, while Jordan is frantically trying to keep tabs on how much they're spending. Apparently they're buying scones. We never had scones for school dinners: did you? Jordan interviews that nobody else is paying attention to the costs, and Rebecca in particular is "running around like a child in a sweet shop". Never have I felt the absence of Yasmina Siadatan more keenly. In total, they spend £284.97, for those of you who like to keep tabs on that sort of thing.

By contrast, Dr Leah and her subteam are haggling at a cash and carry in Hackney. This does seem to be the more sensible strategy; I've never really understood why people trying to maximise their profits always want to pay retail prices for ingredients. Neil calls from his Apprentaxi and Dr Leah actually answers by saying "talk to me", like she's Terry Tibbs. Neil tells her that he's worried they haven't got enough activities for the afternoon, so they thought about adding sumo wrestling. Dr Leah "does not love the idea of sumo wrestling at all". Kurt points out that they're charging £5000 and basically all they've got so far is archery. Dr Leah reminds him that these are managers from Barclays and she doesn't want them rolling around in sumo suits at her event: "I think it's distasteful". I don't think it's distasteful, I just think it's stupid and unsuitable. Alex screams in the background "for God's bloody sake, Leah, you're talking nonsense!" and Dr Leah fires right back that Neil should "tell Alex to have a wee bit of respect, I'm getting a bit sick of him. Tell him to keep quiet!" Let's not forget: these are the people in charge of showing others how to communicate effectively as a team. Dr Leah tells Neil that if they HAVE to, as a LAST RESORT, they can have the sumo suits, "but they're not wrestling each other, they can just touch each other." Bam-chicka-wah-wah. Alex interviews that Dr Leah is too indecisive and totally out of her depth.

At 5:30pm, Jason and Luisa are now in Kent trying out a team-building exercise which basically involves two planks of wood with string handles, where each participant has to put one leg on each plank of wood and then work together to co-ordinate themselves along some sort of obstacle course. I am FASCINATED to know how much this insultingly simple piece of kit costs for the day. Apparently they're offering "three activities for £350", and once again Luisa and Jason form a surprisingly effective negotiation team as they get it down to £310. Luisa is pleased because it looks professional and high-quality.

At 9pm, everyone reunites back at Entrepreneur Estates. Neil wants Endeavour to have a chance to air all their frustrations so they can put them behind them and concentrate on working together cohesively the next day. This is...surprisingly not a terrible idea, and Dr Leah agrees, so everyone vents. Meanwhile, Francesca puts a timetable together for her day. Rebecca wants them to end it with a motivational speaker, but Luisa and Jordan argue that they can do that themselves for nothing, rather than spend the £600 it would cost to hire a professional. Francesca points out that it's not just a profit task, it's a quality task as well, and interviews that she thinks the cost-per-head value at present is very good. Over on Endeavour, Neil is back-seat driving again and volunteers to do the motivational speech as the self-appointed best public speaker in the group. He interviews that even though they've got some reasonably low-rent activities, "people like myself and Myles" can make it value for money. ME. THE WORD IS ME. NOT "MYSELF", "ME".

The next day, it's 9am and Endeavour are arriving in Hertfordshire where they'll be staging their military-themed awayday. Myles says that he and Neil want to work on linking the whole day together to make sure it all flows smoothly and that - crucially - it actually reflects what the client wants. Dr Leah agrees and gives them 10 minutes to do that. Kurt and Natalie, who have both been pretty much invisible all episode and will continue to be (so much for Natalie vowing to show her passion and dynamism), are assigned catering duty.

Meanwhile, five miles away, Evolve are setting up for their school-themed day, which involves Luisa and Jordan unpacking such obviously educative props as a feathery thing, a plastic flamingo and a fabric flame thingy. They have apparently spent £300 on these, which have no relevance to any part of their day as far as I can tell. I suspect that the prop-shopping part of the task involved Francesca watching QVC at 3am whilst high. Oh, and Rebecca and Jason are on cooking duty together again. Rebecca interviews that she's "delighted" to be in the kitchen because it's essential that the food is ready, so it's the most effective use of her skills. I feel like she is pretty much handing her resignation in right in front of us.

At 11am, 16 managers from lastminute.com arrive for their awayday with Evolve, while "a squad" of bank managers turn up at Endeavour's event. Neil greets them and then informs them that he is "Sergeant Neil (prompting a few rolleyes) before he and Myles explain the objective of the day and how everything they do will have a business subtext, because it says so in the script. Meanwhile, Dr Leah is stood behind them dressed like Helga from 'Allo 'Allo, and the final guest of honour is Colonel Alex, who strides in wearing camouflage gear, aviators and warpaint on his face. This is, I think, almost exactly the same outcome as if the task had been "make a Triga movie". Alex strides in doing his very best R. Lee Ermey impression and informs them to follow his sergeants out to their training posts, leading to some Dandrew-quality marching from the bewildered bank managers.

Over at Evolve, the team are still preoccupied making sure everyone's got tea or coffee, and people are starting to notice the general lack of focus to the day so far. Finally Francesca heads to the front of the room and announces herself, saying that they wanted to get across the idea of communication, teamwork and motivation. Which would be fine, except she doesn't stop there and babbles on about helping them to achieve "success in work, success in your life, and happiness", prompting Luisa to give Jordan a "can you believe this shit?" look. I think Luisa is pretty much my favourite candidate at this point just for her reliability when it comes to providing reaction shots. Meanwhile, Francesca's still going, asking everyone what they wanted to be when they were at school and saying that she wanted to be a policewoman. Oh dear god. She asks everyone if they're happy. The room is conspicuously silent.

Endeavour are leading their delegates in some lawn games, military-style. It's incongruous, but it works because Neil is explaining it with conviction. They've adapted the games so it involves people having to do it with their eyes closed while a colleague gives them directions, and all that sort of thing. For the most part, it works. One thing that does not work, however, is Neil's army face paint. It looks like he went to the village fete and got the nice man to make him look like a kitty cat. Neil interviews that he's totally masterminded all of the brilliant ideas, and we get a shot of Dr Leah sitting down by herself making some notes, while Karren watches her from a distance questioningly.

Disaster! It's raining. Dr Leah admits that they need to make some adjustments, and she's "thinking as we speak". So everyone heads inside, while five miles away over at Francesca's event (where it is not raining), people are doing that thing with the planks of wood that we saw earlier, while Luisa yells "TALK TO EACH OTHER!" repeatedly. It seems to be going well, anyway.

Back on Endeavour, everyone is indoors being brought tea and coffee by Natalie, while one delegate interviews that she isn't seeing much of a wet-weather plan here. Dr Leah's brilliant plan is a "conflict resolution" seminar...using the sumo suits. While she asks if anyone would like to share their examples of resolving conflict in the workplace (no, apparently they would not), Neil and Myles - the two people who've drawn the short straw of wearing the sumo suits - giggle backstage about how ridiculous they look and wonder why they even bought the damn things in the first place. Dr Leah brings Neil and Myles in to demonstrate "how conflict can spiral out of control and not be resolved". There are a few laughs, but there's also a lot of cringing. After Myles and Neil have finished running into each other and giggling, Dr Leah chuckles that conflict resolution is a SERIOUS topic and they want to work on how you can avoid that. "That" being having to put on a silly rubber costume and make a fool of yourself, apparently.

Lunchtime! Rebecca is serving up school dinners for Evolve, which seem to be well-received, while over on Endeavour, Natalie and Kurt's beef stew appears to be actual garbage. Natalie tells Kurt that somebody "hasn't even touched his mashed potato! Well, he's missing out." Somehow I suspect he is not. Meanwhile, Dr Leah looks at all the dirty dishes and squirms. Looks like someone has a touch of the OCD, to quote Cheryl Cole.

At 2:30pm, Jason and Rebecca are staging the wine-tasting, clearly having made no plans prior to this point. I realise they were busy in the kitchen, but surely they could've discussed it a bit while they were peeling turnips? Jason explains that they're trying to establish which of the wines are high-quality, medium-quality, and low-quality. One of the delegates asks if they're going to explain how they should be able to tell, and Rebecca gabbles that that's not the point of the task, but that she and Jason know which ones are the most expensive, and therefore "the best". She does air-quotes and everything. It's brilliant. She tries to link this to the lastminute.com business model by saying that this task is about "costing and quality", but I don't think she's even convincing herself, let alone anyone else.

Meanwhile, Luisa is leading the people who aren't doing wine-tasting in a cupcake-decorating class. It appears to involve "pipe some icing on and covering it in marshmallows", so while everyone seems to be enjoying themselves, I'm not sure it's an exact substitute for "make your own truffles". Meanwhile, a senior-sounding type from lastminute.com interviews that the back to school theme seems to have been pretty much abandoned and the day lacks structure. A grumpy-looking type asks Francesca what the point of this session is, and she replies that it's "all about experiences", because that's what the company supplies. Yeah, not like this it doesn't. Over at the bar, it's time for Jason to tot up everyone's scores and reveal the results...except he keeps getting confused over who gave what answer, and he keeps getting the wines muddled up. NAILED IT!

Over at Endeavour, the weather has cleared up, so it's time for archery. Again, there's no real business point to it, but they cleverly cover that up by having Neil and Myles wandering around talking to the people who aren't currently firing arrows at a target and asking them about their strengths and objectives and whatnot, so they get away with it. Essentially, I'm not sure that Endeavour did that much of a better job actually arranging business-themed tasks than Evolve did, but they certainly did a vastly superior job at dressing them up in corporate clothes, which might just make all the difference. Karren interviews that Neil and Myles have done a great job in making sure all the games hit the client's objectives.

5.15pm, and time for the last session of the day. Evolve bring in their subcontracted motivational speaker, while Neil delivers a personal speech to their banking clients. He talks about his dad dying of cancer when Neil was 18, and how his dad wanted him to be a football player, adding that he played semi-pro football and thought that was his dream. (Wow, reach for those stars, Neil!) Meanwhile, Evolve sit back and enjoy some downtime while their hired-in speaker talks about the importants of growing and EVOLVE-ing continuously. Ah, I see what they did there. Very clever. Rebecca interviews that the day has been a success, and that none of them could've done as good a job as their speaker Adrian. One of the delegates interviews that Adrian was very inspiring, and in fact he was the most (/only) inspiring part of the day. Another delegate interviews that the day's been fun, but he's not sure if he's actually learned anything.

Back at Endeavour, Neil's closing his speech by talking about the importance of being motivated every single day, and the crowd applauds and Louis Walsh tells him how proud of him his dead dad will be after that performance. Oops, sorry, wrong show. The delegates praise Neil's engaging performance, and Colonel Alex thanks everyone for their hard work and dismisses them all. Neil tells Endeavour that it's going to take "something remarkable" for the other team to beat them.

The next day, and the boardroom. NotFrances, who actually gets into the shot this week (steady on, if she gets any more exposure they'll have to give her an Equity card), sends them all through. Dr Leah's hair is kind of mad again. Is it really humid in the boardroom, is that why that happens? If so, why is she the only one affected by it? LordAlan wants to start with Endeavour, and asks Dr Leah how she got on as PM. She admits that it wasn't easy, and explains that their brainstorm was "relatively organised", which Neil disputes, saying that he was passionate about the school-themed event. Dr Leah says she wanted the "majestic medieval" history, and Neil says that the point is that Dr Leah said "let's have a vote", and it came down 4-2 in favour of the back to school theme. Except that's not actually what we saw happen, because it was Neil who proposed the vote in the scene that we saw. Possibly Dr Leah was the first one to bring the idea up and Neil was just reviving it, but I can only go on what we were actually shown, which is that the vote was Neil's idea, so it's not quite such a terrible sin that Dr Leah disregarded the outcome, despite the show's attempts to convince me otherwise.

Karren admonishes Dr Leah for being late to the meeting with the CEO of Barclays Retail Banking, and that the history theme was a clearly "half-arsed idea" when they were explaining it. Dr Leah says that Barclays didn't want the "fun-fun-fun" aspect of the school idea that Neil was backing either (Neil makes a face of disbelief at this, as though it's inconceivable that any idea he puts forward could ever be anything less than perfect), so they went with "army" as their theme. LordAlan says that what he's getting from this is that Dr Leah is indecisive, and that surely as a doctor, she should be much better at assessing a situation quickly: "If I come into your surgery with a stomach pain, you don't put it to a vote whether I should have an enema or have my appendix out, do you?" Leaving aside the bizarre implication here that a democratic vote is no way to settle a business dispute, I think LordAlan's hit on the next new entertainment format here: Surgery: Live! People come on the show and describe their symptoms, and the public vote for what sort of operation they should have. Dr Christian Jessen can be head judge, with the rest of the panel consisting of Tom Chambers (because he used to play a surgeon on TV) and Sharon Osbourne (because: her face). Dr Leah explains how the army event placed Alex "in a sergeant major role", which Alex immediately corrects: "Colonel." Hee. Karren tells Alex that he was "a bit pantomime at times". I know, imagine something on this show being a completely cartoonish lampoon of a real world activity. Alex says it was a "last-minute theme with dishevelled components" and that he thinks he got the best out of his troops.

LordAlan asks where the business theme came through, and Dr Leah says they did "conflict resolution and how not to resolve conflicts by wrestling" (COMMAS ARE YOUR FRIEND, DR LEAH) and LordAlan is all "oh god, not with the bladdy sumo suits?" Yup, with the bladdy sumo suits. Neil explains how he and Myles were the sergeants, motivating the teams.

Over to Evolve. Francesca says that they decided on a school theme, with Rebecca and Jason in the "hospitality team" and also doing the wine-tasting. LordAlan questions the coupling of "wine-tasting" and "school" as Endeavour giggle in the background. LordAlan asks where the business message was. Jordan says that their themes were "collaboration, communication and creativity", and that's what they were trying to encourage between the teams. LordAlan asks about the motivational speaker, and Rebecca explains that she's attended a lot of corporate events and that she knows how beneficial a motivational speaker is, and that she felt "very strongly" that they didn't have the experience or the expertise to do that themselves.

Asked if Francesca was a good PM, Rebecca declares that she was "very good". Jordan says "weak managemenet, non-existent strategy", and Luisa says she'd agree with that. "Surprise surprise," snits Francesca under her breath.

RESULTS TIME!

Endeavour were paid £5000 and spent £2170.50, but the bank wanted a refund of 25% due to the lack of rainy-day contingency plan, so the profit was £1579.50.
Evolve were also paid £5000 and spent £2654.19, and their client wanted a refund of £1250 (so, 25% again) due to the "entire lack of business sense", leaving them with a profit of £1095.81.

So essentially "customer satisfaction" has been measured entirely in pounds and pence, and "not having a rainy-day plan" is as big an offence as "not having any point whatsoever". Interesting.

Dr Leah wins! But the glory is not hers, because Karren says that the client was "very impressed with Neil" first and foremost, and LordAlan says that she has her team to thank for her victory. Their reward? A luxury spa day. Meanwhile, at least one of Evolve is being shown the door.

Reward: Alex gets his eyebrows done and admits that he plucks them, which explains a lot. Natalie has a hot stone treatment and plans to win again if this is what all the treats are like. Myles gets his tits out.

Loser Café. Jordan thinks they'd have won the task if they hadn't had the motivational speaker. In theory, but the motivational speaker was the only part of the day that got positive feedback; who's to say that without him the refund wouldn't have been even bigger? Obviously this puts a target on Rebecca's back. Francesca says that she wants people to stop "passing the buck", and Jordan says that it's not about that, it's about finding who's responsible. Does Jordan think Francesca's responsible for the failure of the task? Yeah, kind of. Francesca interviews that Jordan is a "turncoat" because he went along with everything until they were losing and then suddenly changed his mind. She says that the decision to hire a motivational speaker was ultimately her call. Luisa interviews that Francesca sucked as a PM and had no strategy.

Boardroom 2: The Firing. LordAlan reminds them that they were told in no uncertain terms that this was supposed to be a business function, for business people. Maybe they should've done a lunch special for business women? The feedback indicates that the day was disorganised, didn't adhere to its theme, and that they were basically making it all up as they went along. Francesca replies that she felt like it was "a professional event". LordAlan wonders what the delegates will get from the cupcake class, for example, and Francesca waffles about tapping into the creativity of each person. Karren: "Do you believe what you're saying? Can you hear it? Can you hear what you're saying?" I'd estimate that Karen is only about a minute away from going on a full Nikki Grahame meltdown at any point during this boardroom. LordAlan says that Francesca talks a good game and that if she says something is inspirational enough times, she'll convince herself.

Picking up the baton of inappropriateness (I think we had a visitor come into our PSHE lessons at school once to tell us about that) and running with it, LordAlan says that the cupcakes and wine-tasting sessions didn't suit the "so-called event" (harsh), and Francesca says that's why she "genuinely wanted to explore the other activities". Luisa says that she saved them £1000 by doing the cupcake course herself instead of paying Hannah to demonstrate how to make truffles.

LordAlan reminds them that they lost by £500, and paid £600 for their motivational speaker. I will Rebecca to say that it was the most successful aspect of the day and save herself, but she doesn't: instead she hems and haws that Jordan and Luisa both potentially put themselves forward for the speech, "but on the day that didn't come across", whatever that means. Francesca says that nobody said they would do it, but Jordan counters that several of them expressed an interest only to be shot down. Again, we never actually saw this conversation, which is a bit annoying, because someone is obviously misrepresenting what happened and I have no idea who. Francesca tries to kneecap Luisa by pointing out her outspoken dislike of the corporate world, and Luisa explains that she "thinks a lot of empty words are spoken in the corporate world." THIS IS AN ACTUAL SENTENCE THAT WAS SPOKEN BY SOMEBODY ON THE APPRENTICE. It's like the very fabric of the show has cracked. To be fair, she cites Francesca as an example of someone throwing out corporate jargon that means nothing, and how the delegates were sniggering at her. It's a crudely expressed point, but it's certainly not without merit. Unfortunately, this sets Karren off again. "You might find a rough attitude when you get in front of a bank asking for investment in your business," she seethes. Seriously, guys, do not insult the corporate world in front of Karren. I think she could turn nasty.

LordAlan asks about the props, which Francesca takes responsibility for and Jordan admits to "an overspend" which was "where we ultimately lost the task". Again, I don't think that solitary factor lost them the task all by itself, but it certainly was a prominent symbol of the lack of coherent thinking in the whole arrangement. Jordan says that he tried to fight his cause, but people didn't want to listen.

And what of Jason? LordAlan asks if he's a waste of space in the process, because while he seems like a nice bloke, that's not what LordAlan is looking for. Jason says that if he had been PM, he would've listened to the client and tailored the whole day according to the brief. Which is a strategy I very much appreciate, but it doesn't really address the key problem here, which was that they had to do half of the planning and arranging before they even met with the client in the first place. Seriously, this task seemed like it was designed to make them fail in that respect. LordAlan asks whose idea the wine-tasting was, and Luisa sighs "Rebecca's." Rebecca clears her throat several times and says that it wasn't solely her idea, but a suggestion - the irony being, of course, that in this case that's actually true, but she lied about this back in week two when she forced the team to go to that tiny beer festival, and now she's the businesswoman who cried wolf. Oops. So now Rebecca's being blamed for both the motivational speaker and the wine-tasting, which together cost the team £900, which is more than the margin they lost by. Again, I'm frustrated by how simplistic they're trying to make this - if it genuinely wasn't a task judged on profit (and I'm growing less convinced of that with each passing minute), then we have no idea how much the loss of the motivational speaker and/or the wine tasting would've affected the result in terms of customer satisfaction, so it seems unfair to say "these events were Rebecca's idea and cost a lot of money so it's her fault that you lost", which is essentially what LordAlan does here.

LordAlan tells Francesca that she has to pick two candidates for the final boardroom, and he warns her that they must be people who are responsible for the failure of the task, not just people she doesn't like. Francesca insists that she would never do that, and decides to bring back Rebecca and Luisa, prompting Luisa to immediately denounce this as a personal attack. Jason and Jordan are dismissed, and I cannot even tell you how thrilled I am that Jason was actually on the losing team for once and STILL didn't end up in the final boardroom. Vive le Jason!

Francesca, Rebecca and Luisa are sent into the anteroom while LordAlan grumbles to Nick and Karren that their event was so shapeless it might as well have been about knitting, and that Rebecca hasn't made much of an impact on him in the last six weeks. Karren admits to being worried about Francesca's reasons for bringing Luisa back, and that she "senses real animosity between those girls". Gee, you think? LordAlan wonders why Jordan wasn't brought back, being the one in charge of finance, and a lack of control of the pursestrings being one of the main reasons they lost.

NotFrances sends them back in, and LordAlan asks Francesca why she brought Luisa back. Francesca says that "the cupcaking...was good", but that she didn't like how Luisa was so bellicose the whole time about not agreeing with Francesca's decisions. Luisa says that what she doesn't like about corporate events is "exactly what Francesca has just shown: empty, hollow words." LordAlan asks Luisa if she ever regrets what she says, and Luisa is all "...occasionally?" He digs out her REZ-HOO-MAY where she apparently wrote "if you push me and push me, I will flip, and when I flip, you don't want to be there." Heh, well, I think any residual illusions about this being a serious recruitment process kind of went out the window there, because no HR department in their right mind would let that past a first reading. Luisa insists that she's not difficult to work with, but Rebecca disagrees, saying that she finds Luisa "obstinate and argumentative". Luisa sniffs that she's just not EMOTIONAL, and she works better with men than with women, who all JUDGE HER FOR BEING SO BEAUTIFUL. Oh, Luisa. LordAlan says that he doesn't mind an argumentative nature as long as you're making sense, and Luisa says that the failure of this task wasn't because of her doing cupcakes because she saved them £1000 (that feels like an exaggerated figure, for starters - I'm sure they scrimped on the materials for her cupcake classes but I bet they haven't taken expenditure on the basic ingredients into account when throwing that £1000 figure around) - the problem was a lack of control of the money, which LordAlan says "is hard to disagree with." Francesca thinks that she can't motivate top-end management, which is why they had to hire in an expert. Luisa has the perfect answer for that: "Neil did."

LordAlan notes that Rebecca is being very quiet, and he's wondering if this high-pressure situation is for her. Rebecca says that she has her feet planted in reality, that she's given up a lot to be here, and that she has the skills and ability to be his business partner. Asked if she has the skills to be LordAlan's business partner, Francesca says that she's professional and fair and really wants it. Same question to Luisa, who says she's got a proven track record of making a success out of three businesses, and her direct attitude gets results. Asked who she thinks is responsible for the failure of the task, she thinks it's a joint failure between Rebecca and Francesca.

Decision time. Luisa is "a bombshell", but is that enthusiasm or abrasiveness? Rebecca is quiet, which is fine, but she hasn't really shown anything of worth so far other than some skill at selling. Francesca was put in charge as PM due to her alleged experience with corporate events, but this was a disaster. It's very nearly Francesca who goes, and there's a brief tease towards firing Luisa, but ultimately LordAlan's "instink" tells him to fire Rebecca, so she's gone. Francesca and Luisa are both given "the benefit of the doubt" and sent back to the house. Hugs in the anteroom, no hard feelings, etc.

Coatwatch: dark and calf-length, accessorised with a chiffon scarf. Rebecca taxinterviews that she was disappointed not to have shown more of what she's capable of, and that she's a bit shocked that she was fired.

Back at Entrepreneur Estates, Jason thinks two people are going. Jordan thinks Francesca is "definitely gone". Luisa and Francesca return, and Luisa admits she thought she was going. Neil jokes that only nine more people need to get fired until he wins.

Next week: selling caravans in the Midlands, and I'm sure Nick will have a few choice words to say about how everyone there is too poor to afford a caravan. Also, Alex has a hood for when it starts raining. I'll bet he does.

Planet of the oud

Last week!  The notion of a farm shop morphed into some kind of takeaway task!  Kurt’s milk fetish caused ALL THE KELIS REFERENCES IN THE WORLD!  Luisa’s team took a Buffalo Stance!  And Uzma was finally fired for always being in the boardroom!

430am at Apprenti-towers, and Jason is answering the phone in yet another pair of pyjamas that you never normally see outside the pages of children’s books.  Or toothpaste adverts.  Apparently they need to pack to go to Dubai.  In a very early moment of foregrounding, it’s established that Zeeshaan used to live in Dubai.  Luisa gets very excited and talks about packing bikinis.  I still can’t figure out if she really is like that or if some of it is a deliberate act.  Either way, Luisa –land seems a much more happy place than I would have imagined it to be in episode one when I thought she might be being set up as queen bitch.

They go to the SPLENDID OPULENT WALDORF ASTORIA which is being built and it’s time for the ten items task!  Except this lot are not good enough for ten so they only give them eight to source.  And, as we shall see, even that’s a tall order.

Leah is ported over to Endeavour.  The voiceover lies that all 300 rooms in the hotel are in need of ‘top class touches’.  Yes, I’m, sure sixteen pieces of tat (or as this task usually goes, twelve pieces of tat, one very overpriced luxury item where the vendor saw them coming and three things they couldn’t find) would be just the ticket.

On Endeavour, ‘international property expert’ Zeeshaan is blabbering on about how he is perfect for the task because he used to live in Dubai and we see one of his video interview clips about no human intimidating him.  Just don’t let him near any animals, because he’ll run whimpering like a child.  Leah would also like to be team leader because she is amazing at everything and has been to Dubai before.  Neil votes Zee and because he is Regina George, everyone goes along with him. Zee tells people to put away the maps because he knows Dubai like the back of his hand.  Leah’s eyes start rolling.  SPOILER: They will not stop.

Myles is PM for Evolve and we see him interview bragging about his glamorous lifestyle and how his business idea is about luxury brands.  Whatever, Myles, you’ve still been reduced to appearing on The Apprentice.  Also: LOL at the idea of SralanLudSuga ever having a bar of ‘luxury goods’.  Have you watched this show or followed any of the products his companies have made, Myles?

Time to see what the products are and Endeavor identify that a kandura is Arabic clothing, a falcon hood is a hood for a falcon (for why is this a hotel requirement?) and Zee says that Oud is a perfume.  Not one of them, NOT ONE, makes a Doctor Who joke.  YOU ARE ALL DEAD TO ME, APPRENTI.  Alex points out that the instructions mention mahogany and asks if that’s the container.  Zee says it smells of mahogany.  I think he may be getting confused with SANDALWOOD.  Zee assures them it’s easy to find.

Evolve wonder if an oud is a statue.  Jordan says the important thing is to ‘take it back to 50,000 feet’.  WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN??    They start to phone around and then make the decision to go to the mall.  Meanwhile, Zee says the key will be to get as much as possible from the souks and as little as possible from the mall.  Leah expresses doubt they’ll have time to find everything at the souks but Zee says he’s just ‘telling you what the facts are’ which are that he could get the kandura from a souk for 100 dirams and at the mall the other team would get them for 1000 dirams.  To be fair to Zee, there is potentially some merit in this idea, as usually on this task we’d be expecting teams to go to markets over shopping centres, for example – but then that assumes the markets and malls in Dubai are anything like the ones over here, which is not necessarily the case – and it is possible that the markets wouldn’t have all the items either.  Leah’s crash!edit! from quiet, competent and above all this shit to Apprentice-crazy, the real theme of this episode, continues apace as she declares that she will take her sub team to the mall and Zee’s all ‘you what now?  I never said you could lead a subteam’ and then has to make her sub-team leader because everyone says she should be.  Such a glorious mess already.  Leah, Neil and Alex are sent to Souk Medina and Zee confirms they shouldn’t go to the mall. [I have no idea what happened here, or why - Helen]

Dubai porn!  Their shard is longer, thinner, taller and shardier than the London one!

Car conversation time!  Jordan is excited by the scenery, Rebecca has a failed conversation on the phone with someone who doesn’t speak Arabic, Zee is up for some hard negotiating and Natalie concurs (SPOILERS: LOL), Leah is worried about being able to source things at the souk, so much so that she tells the driver to go to the mall instead.  Alex and Neil remain quiet. [again Leah, WHY? - Helen]

Louisa, Jordan and Jason arrive at the mall, which is the world’s largest, apparently.  Jason tries on a kandura but it costs 300 dirams and he says, in a bizarre accent, that he doesn’t want to pay that.  They find another store and negotiate one for 110. 

Leah’s strategy is to go straight to the perfumery.  Zee rings them and finds out they’re at the mall, which he isn’t happy about.  He asks to speak to Neil and Leah says Neil can hear him and he needs to stop trying to appease Neil – which is all the men have done so far all series, as far as I can tell.  Zee tells them they have to go to the souk and asks them to get the coffee pot, the kandura and anything else they can see – so two of the eight items?  Bokay then.  Neil snipes that just because Zee knows Dubai, it doesn’t mean he knows it all.  Leah points out that she would have been a better PM – and were it not ZEE that were the PM I’d say they were setting her up for a ‘you didn’t respect the PM’ type firing/telling-off a la Miranda in series one.

Myles’ sub-team go to get the plant and decide they need to go in and out very quickly.  Myles tries to get more than 10% off and the saleswoman offers to get the boss who can get them a bigger discount.  Myles refuses because he’s in a rush (oh the foreshadowing) and gets 15% off.  Karren says he was a bit hasty and should have spoken to the boss.

Zee’s sub-team are in the cab calling ahead to a flag shop to get theirs made.  It needs to be a UAE flag, 4x6 feet.  Kurt says to Zee that a foot is 12 centimetres.  Natalie looks confused at first but then says ‘yes’ and Zee orders a 48x72cm flag because clearly no-one has learned last week’s lesson that KURT NO DO MATHS.  Zee does say 48x72, 4 foot by 6 foot on the phone, and the seller doesn’t seem to question which but quotes them 10 dirams for it.

Myles’ subteam of him, Rebecca and Francesca, go to the flag place where Francesca gets a tiny discount bringing the price down to 175 dirams.  It’ll take an hour to produce and Myles saysthat he hates waiting, but they will anyway, and then, for… reasons, I guess, they pay up front.  They phone the other team and Myles says he doesn’t mind them spending time in the mall as long as they get good products in the manner of a dad who’s just let a bunch of teenagers loose in Meadowhall.

Leah’s subteam are in one of the souks and having no luck sourcing an Arabic coffee pot, and given that is probably one of the easier items, good luck with the falcon hood.  They seem to find one but Leah’s increasingly strong accent means there is some sort of confusion over inch/ounce [And yet they picked on me – Kurt] and they don’t buy one from a place that seems to sell them.  Some randomer then offers Alex Viagra: ‘I don’t need that, I’m from Wales’.  Heh.

At the mall, Luisa, Jordan and Jason are hunting for falcon hoods to no avail and Jason’s accent becomes even weirder.  They want an Arabic coffee pot too but the man says they should be searching for Deller.  Hey, I’m right here, guys.  Karren tries to create a sense of panic that they might be late because that’s always an alleged danger in this task.

Back at the flag shop and Myles’ subteam are still waiting, when Zee’s arrive there… to collect their tiny flag.  They gripe that it’s not 6ft and the shop owner says 42cm x72cm.  Then we have the best Nick Hewer face and Apprenti penny drop face since the sandalwood episode as Kurt slowly realises what’s happened.  Kurt then tries to blame Zee but sticks to his story that there are 12 cms in a foot… and eventually says ‘inches?’  They order another flag for an hour, but instead of waiting an hour, they leave and Zee says ‘let’s head out boys…. and ladies’. 

Searching for the Kandura, Neil says he’s not interested in quality, only price, because he knows what Sralan is like.  He aggressively negotiates a price down to 60 because he’s in a ‘very very rush’ (which is more offensive – this kind of language to help the forrins understand, or Jason’s accent straight from a dodgy 1970s sitcom?).

In the car and Kurt is looking up numbers for sources.  Natalie asks to look up glass in the book and Zee says there’s no point.  She suggests ringing perfume shops and he point blank ignores her. 

Myles’ subteam are still waiting for the flag and he goes into the back to track it down and they say it’ll be another ‘five minutes’.  The people in the shop couldn’t care less.

In Leah’s car and she’s trying to track down OUD – OIYD - perfume and, remarkably, the person she speaks to understands her and says it’s OUDH.  Alex looks in the Dubai yellow pages and confirms that oudh is perfume.  Luisa, Jason and Jordan go into an Aoud shop but the man doesn’t know what an oud is.  Jason then has ‘had a flash… do you think an oud is something else’.  Bless.

Zee is having a phone call with Leah’s subteam.  Alex, perhaps looking to be Apprentice gold with how quotable he is this episode, points out the spelling differences to Zee with a ‘Listen sunshine’.  Zee is convinced mahogany is a scent whilst Alex says it’s a wood and he’s talking crap.  Alex and Leah get stressed, and Neil – NEIL – is the voice of reason: ‘just let him do that and we’ll get on with what we’re doing.’

Myles’ subteam are trying to negotiate a discount on the flag that took forever and the shop owner, the smuggest seen this side of Smug Cow (TM Monkseal) just smiles and shakes his head at the suckers.  They phone the other sub team who are still to buy several items and Myles bitches that the other sub-team hasn’t done enough.  As opposed to sitting in a shop the whole day waiting?

Natalie, Zee and Kurt go hunting for the plant and speak to the boss of the plant shop for a 50% discount.  So apparently in plant shops, asking for the boss is the way to go.  I’m sure garden centres everywhere will be thrilled at this piece of information being fed to the public. 

Francesca can’t find mosaic tiles, Jason gets a cheap coffee pot with his terrible accent and then nows at the sales man, Rebecca and Alex grab some Frankincense and Zee tries to negotiate on the flags.  The man forces him to buy both flags – the small one is being offered to them for 40 – even though they said 10 earlier.  Zee gets him down to 28, or 200 for both, because he wants to do ‘future business’ LOL like anyone falls for that, but I think smug flag owner is just glad to see them off.  The voiceover tells us they paid 25 dirams more than the others but as they got two flags they got the bigger one for 3 dirams less.  But anyway.

Luisa and co finally find someone in a perfume shop who knows what an oud is – a musical instrument.  

Jordan decides to take the negotiation and Jason says ‘go for it’ – this sub team actually seem to have worked well together for a change. Jason and Jordan between them negotiate it from 1850 to 990 and Luisa congratulates them.

LAST MINUTE BUYING!  Leah’s team are having no luck with oud and no-one is having any luck with falcon hoods.  They run to the hotel and put their items on tables to be inspected by the hotel manager.  They will be fined the market value for any incorrect items or missing items – we see that one of the kanduras is marked as ‘not correct’.

Zee boasts that they got a good bargain on the plant (whoop) and that the other team would totes have got ripped off at the mall so it’ll all be fine.  I love how his strategy essentially relied on the other team being really crap and total mugs.

BOARDROOM TIME!  Sralan says they had an ‘important client’.  It always amuses me when this show pretends to be real.  Bless.  He asks Endeavour if Zee was a good team leader and gets a resounding no, with Leah (whose hair has gone as big as Mike and Monica’s in that episode of Friends when they go to Barbados)  and Alex particularly going for it, Leah saying she wanted to be team leader all along and Zee snapping about her trying to take over.  Zee’s ‘expert’ credentials are trounced and he keeps blabbering about oudh being a scent, whilst Alex goes for another line: ‘no-one wants to smell like a dining table’.  Oh Alex, bless you, you may look like Nosferatu but you are very endearing.  Nick and Sralan go on about the spec mentioning size and wood, whilst Zee continues to dig about the oudh in the very manner of NOT TAKING THE HINT.  We’re then reminded of Kurt’s bad maths and Nick Hewer overplays his part in the way he so often does by exaggerating both the size of the hotel and the smallness of the flag.  Oh Nick, all your best work is subtle.  Try to remember that.  Neil says he got a good price on the kandura and Kurt says he did well on the plant.

Over to Myles and Sralan: ‘Kurt would call you kylometres most probably’.  Not only is this a genuinely funny joke, it’s even better for Kurt’s face as he doesn’t get it, but then pretends to when everyone else bursts into fits of giggles.  Amazing.  We hear about Jordan and co in the mall and Myles and co waiting around for ages (90 minutes).  Myles’ reason for not going away and coming back is that the man had started.  Karren points out that they shouldn’t have paid upfront for the flag.  Sralan berates Myles for going to the garden centre shop assistant and not the boss as you do when buying plants.  He then makes an awful palm-tree related joke which I won’t repeat, but you can guess.

Evolve got six items for £311 with no falcon hood or tiles giving fines of £384.16 – which I presume is for the tiles, else those are some very well dressed falcons – leaving their total spend at £695.16.

Endeavour got four items (plant, kandura, frankincense and flag) and ‘negotiated a whole lot better’ but their kandura was wrong: modern and not traditional, so they therefore had five fails, spending £783.36 (we’re not told what they spent and what was fines though).  Endeavour win by £90 and get a genuinely good treat in the form of LOVELY BOOZE!  Hooray!  Jordan manages to save his glee for outside the boardroom this time.

There is flirting between Luisa and Jordan – who were rumoured to be this year’s couple – and Francesca and Jason, which seems… unlikely.  But then cocktails will do that to you.

Over at NotLoserCafe (where’s the Bridge café these days?) Neil thinks their strategy was wrong and Leah thinks the entire problem is Zee.  Kurt is pissed off because Zee doesn’t know anything and he’ll probably get brought in for getting centimetres and inches wrong.  Zee thinks the other sub-team are at fault for only getting two items (as did his sub-team), one of which was wrong – even though it was the item that required ‘local knowledge’ so should maybe have been on his shopping list instead.

Sralan lies that if they found one item more they’d have won because they were better negotiators.  Surely depends on which item?  Sralan tells them off for not going to the mall and Leah says she tried to but Zee told her not to.  Sralan tells her to ignore him – oh Sralan, half the time you berate candidates for undermining their PMs.  Zee snaps that the other sub-team got one item and Leah reminds him he got TWO despite his ‘regional knowledge’.  Zee asks what the other team members did and puts his hand up in Leah’s face which she snaps at.  Nick says Leah’s sub-team is full of fighting spirit and Natalie and Kurt don’t really say anything.  We then revisit the tiny flag and Zee actually looks kind of proud of it.  Who was responsible?  Alex says Zee, Zee whines that everyone is saying he is wrong and ‘the sub-team’s effort was under par’. 

Leah asks him why he didn’t acknowledge he was unsure and just said he had a bit of local knowledge but didn’t know everything.  Oh Leah, as if any acknowledgement of weakness is in Zee’s capability.  He’s one of those Scrappy Doo types.  He gets all offended by this ‘A BIT of local knowledge?  I LIVED THERE.’  He decides to bring back Leah for the failure of the sub-team and after Neil staring at him so hard he brings back Natalie because he and Kurt were booking appointments in the car.  Natalie goes mental and says she was trying to do that and he wouldn’t let her.

So, Zee sexism-gate then… Is he sexist?  I suspect he is and certainly there is plenty in this episode that would suggest that in the way he treats Natalie especially.  But I think it’s the sexism of ignorance - i.e. just not realising women exist to be useful in any way - rather than his consciously hating on women.  I also think he’s just got so used to being with Kurt and Neil and trying to join their cool gang that he would never dare offend them.  The team shuffles felt a bit late coming this series which probably didn’t help.  Natalie’s fury at him seemed pretty heartfelt and I suspect there have been tensions behind the scenes or on tasks outside of the footage we see.

Sralan sends them out and points out that all Leah does is accuse Zee of being a bullshitter.  Nick says they fell out right from the start.  Sralan hopes Natalie has a lot to say for herself.  Karren says she says more than she does.  NotFrances sends them in and Zee lets the door shut in Natalie’s face, which gets a curt ‘don’t bother about the door.’   Sralan says he asked for people to be brought in for the right reasons and wonders why Natalie is here.  Zee says she didn’t contribute much or take initiative but is ‘lovely to be around, don’t get me wrong’.  He said Kurt made an error and Natalie said that lost them the task.  So didn’t.  But she then goes into uber-maul mode and berates him for not listening to her, not letting her have the yellow pages and asks him if he has a problem with women after bringing them both back and calls him chauvanistic.

Zee tells her to ‘calm down’ although doesn’t add the ‘dear’ as I thought he might.  Leah says that there is some merit in that.  Zee snaps that he respects her but she got the kandura wrong.  She says that was Neil and he hasn’t even bothered to have a go at Neil, which causes Natalie to tear back into him.  Zee says Leah was the sub-team leader and forced herself into that.  Leah says two men made key errors but he still brought back to women.  Zee says he made her sub-team leader and Natalie says he didn’t have a choice.  Leah says all she’s done in the process whilst Sralan says she was weak on this task.  He says she has indecision, which seems a bit harsh as she did decide to go to the mall but her PM told her not to.

Sralan reads from Zee’s REZ-HOO-MAY and says he doesn’t like criticism.  Zee thinks this is good and completely normal, especially if people don’t have your respect.  Sralan says he comes across as pretty arrogant and that travellers should uphold modesty in Dubai ‘well they must have loved you there’ and then says Zee was fired from Phones4U.  Zee says he was their top salesman EVER (and got fired anyway?).  Jennifer Maguire laughs in his face at this.  BEST SALESWOMAN IN EUROPE BITCHES.

Sralan says Natalie shows passion in the boardroom but not on tasks, she says she does.  Both say Zee is responsible.

Sralan says Zee thinks too much of himself but clearly  has a good business and everyone else seems to be against him.  He hopes Leah hasn’t used personality against him.  Natalie gets the fire-tease for it being ‘regretful’ she’s back in the boardroom, but she has shown him some passion so she gets a last chance.  Zee’s business plan is for international trading but he’s shown he can’t deal internationally and the failure of the task was his fault, so he’s fired.  Natalie cries what look like tears of relief and she and Leah march past Zee without even really looking at him never mind hugging or shaking hands.

Coatwatch: black, high-collared, like the big boys wear.  Zee says his name will go down in history although he’s not exactly sure why?  Fifth most annoying contestant on the UK Apprentice, maybe? 

Back at the house, Luisa asks why Natalie got brought in and Kurt says she was criticised for not doing much.  There is relief at Leah and Natalie returning and Leah says Lord Sugar thought Zee brought back the wrong people.  Kurt says ‘do you mean me and Neil?’  Leah says yes, and Neil nods as if he agrees, which is interesting given the lack of humility he’s  shown so far.  Are we in for a REDEMPTION ARC, people?  I think we may be.

Next week!  They organise corporate away days.  Oh my days, best task ever?  I was convinced this series would be awful given the diminishing returns of the show lately but I think it’s turning out to be the best one in a while, certainly the best since series six.  Anyway, join Steve then!

My milkshake brings all the boys to farmyard.

Week 4: 22^nd May 2013

Last week Steve talked you through literally thinking Outside the Box as the good ship Endeavour trounced Evolve with an adult high chair.  Ludalan loved it and Sophie fell on top of the TidySidey and wheeled herself off into the taxi of doom.

This week’s episode begins with the designer phone ringing at 5.20am. Natalie, who is handily sleeping in her bra, rushes to answer as everyone else makes their hair directional. DaddySugar wants them to meet him at Surrey Docks and the cars will be with them in half an hour. Luisa stands behind all “WHAT DID THEY SAY I MUST KNOW” and Natalie replies that they’re going to Surrey Docks in East London. I always thought Surrey Docks were in South East London but I’m splitting hairs. Luisa skips through the house in annoying slippers telling everyone to get up and Kurt ponders whether its worse having to get up or having Luisa wake you up. Oh you pretty idiot. OF COURSE Luisa makes stuff worse. Jordan walks around with his top off for a bit which is LOVELY as the girls ponder whether they’ll be selling fish or Meat. Zeeshaan thinks the teams might be getting shaken up a bit today. Luisa doesn’t want to work with Zeeshaan as he’s full of bullshit. He thinks that he could be the girl’s saviour. I do love the smell of bitching in the morning.

Nightime Londonporn as Natalie and Uzma try to better each other over who’s been in the board room more and how that makes them better people as Luisa yawns in between them. Natalie thinks that it’s made her try more and Uzma thinks it’s made her see the bigger picture. Look ladies, it’s not a competition. It’s a PROCESS.

Everyone tries not to get animal poo on their designer BIZNIS SHOES as they arrive at Surrey Docks Farm which is very definitely in South London because I work a ten minute walk away from it.  Daddy Alan is waiting for them at a farm because Farmers Markets are everywhere all over the world annoying all of us with their £10 sausages and he wants a slice of that, please thanks. [The farmers markets in Sheffield are very non-farmer-y. About five farm stalls usually and the rest are European confectionery, pic'n'mix, tagines or overpriced bags - Rad ] Their task is to open a Farm Shop. He wants them to source stock and sell it to the public. The winning team will obviously be the one making the most profit and the losing team will contain the firee. He’s going to mix the teams up first though. Uzma and Natalie are going over to Endeavour because eyes are on them.  Myles, Jason and Jordan are going over to team Evolve. This will facilitate a lady being on the winning team. This pleases Lord Sugasugasuga as he’s been disappointed thus far and it’s time for the GELS to show him what they can do because he hasn’t seen it thus far.

It’s then explained to us what a farm shop is and why they are important. Trendy middle class guilt isn’t mentioned. The team’s task is going to be to source stock from the South East and sell it.  The teams decamp to separate sheds to plan their respective attacks.  The ladies are welcomed to team Endeavour in the most patronising way. Over at Evolve, Luisa puts herself forward because she has a shop and sourcing local produce is what she does. Rebecca does smell the fart acting at her and says that she would like to be project manager because she’s interested in farms.  Myles asks her if she’s got any experience. She says no but it can’t be all that hard, can it? Myles takes charge and nominates Luisa then congratulates her because he’s a patronising arsehole. Luisa then interviews that she knows about shops even though her shop isn’t a farm shop, but a cake shop and it’s still local produce. She’s looking forward to leading Evolve to their first victory.  They then decide what to try to hawk. Jordan suggests Buffalo meat because there’s always more excitement around meat someone hasn’t tried before because it feels unusual. [Jordan's brain is an interesting place.  Buffalo meat, nettle beer... - Rad]

FNARFNARFNARFNARFNAR. I’m sorry. I can find innuendo in most things but that’s just tipped me over the edge. Jordan then goes on to say that he had a van that came round his school that sold ostrich burgers and that always created lots of excitement. Francesca gives him a look that is worthy of that statement. The van that came round my school sold Wham bars and single cigarettes which is probably why I’m not a SRS BZNZWMN. Myles is worried that Buffalo meat might not have universal appeal but they decide on it.  Jordan also suggests introducing a takeaway element to encourage turnover. They all agree. [Why on earth didn't they sell buffalo burgers as part of their takeaway going on Jordan's logic?  That would seem like an obvious opportunity missed - Rad]

Over on team Endeavour, Neil has put himself in charge and is wondering what will make the highest profit. He interviews that he knows nothing about farm shops and farming but is a born leader. BOKAY THEN. They discuss that they might want to sell something with a high profit margin. Kurt suggests milk. Just milk. The dick. Zeeshaan suggests that milk might not exactly be a unique selling point. EvilAlex, who is wearing a red tie today and who I have recently decided looks like John BARROWMAN after a botched facelift pipes in and says that people don’t generally pop out to buy milk because they have milk at home. Where does he think it comes from? He suggests that maybe they should sell cheese on toast at their farm shop because everyone can eat it. I don’t even know what this programme is about any more. Kurt then pipes in and says he’s in the milkshake business and the produce is cheap for that. Neil doesn’t want any arguing, that’s what they’re doing. Uzma immediately tries to argue and she’s shut down. EvilAlex agrees.

Both teams are on the road by 10am and out into the countryside in the Home Counties to look for produce. Francesca suggests Apples and satsumas because they’re in season. [Satsumas in season? In the UK?  Bokay then - Rad] The other team try and fail to read a map.  Neil doesn’t care where they are as long as they get the blueberries except he actually means blackberries.  Meanwhile, with Evolve, Leah is trying to pin down Luisa about how many potatoes they will need and ponders how many are in a kilo. On team Evolve, EvilAlex says that he really doesn’t mind dressing up as a scarecrow. That is very, very specific, EvilAlex. [I assume one of those creepyass scraecrows from Doctor Who.  - Rad] Neil gives him a look of WTF and nothing more is said.

Luisa and half of her team arrive at a buffalo farm and Luisa remarks on how much she enjoys the smell of shit. Figures. Meanwhile Jordan is encouraging some buffalo to work it as he takes some pictures. They look at buffalo kofte in the farm shop but Rebecca points out that they might want something with a higher mark up such as buffalo sirloin and filet. Luisa wants to know what the wholesale price is and apparently you can buy it for £28 and sell it to the right people for £45. Over to Nick who manages to inject so much hatred into the word ‘Buffalo’ that it’s a thing of wonder. He’s disgusted because even though it’s high cost and medium margin, Evolve are falling for it because it’s DIFFERENT and that’s going to attract people. Nick thinks that it’s high risk but he’s going to have to wait to see if it’s going to work, even though everything in his manner suggests that he doesn’t think it has a hope in hell of succeeding. They order the meat. 

Over on Endeavour, Neil, EvilAlex and Natalie are heading out to a dairy farm to get milk for milkshakes. Kurt thinks they’re going to need 250ml per milkshake and reckons he could sell 200 of them. Zeeshaan thinks that this might be a bit over ambitious. Kurt disagrees. Zeeshaan plays the “it’s your game” card.  EvilAlex works out that this is a milkshake every three minutes but ploughs on regardless into a Hampshire dairy farm, announces that he’s from Wales and orders enough milk for enough milkshake to bring every single boy in the world to the yard.  EvilAlex shouts some numbers at a lady until she sells them an amount of milk that I still don’t understand even after three viewings for £40 and they do some cow milking. Natalie cringes at every animal whilst shouting that she’s not an animal person whilst EvilAlex chases after a cow. The voiceover man tells us that their £40 has bought them 100 litres of premium Jersey milk.

Meanwhile, the other half of Evolve, Myles, Francesca and Jason, are bulk buying vegetables in Essex. Jason helpfully re-explains that vegetables can be cooked and sold on at a high mark up. They buy some cabbage and some beetroot even though the trade price is only around 10% less. Francesca reports back to Luisa who thinks that they should only be buying a small amount of vegetables to put on the shelves to make the shop look rustic. Myles then does that thing where he gets the project manager to reiterate what they’ve just asked him to do so that he can throw it back at them in the boardroom and asks Luisa if she’s actually asking him to buy stuff that’s just to look nice on the shelves rather than be sold in the shop. She reiterates that this is exactly what she wants and the real money is going to come from the burgers and the jacket potatoes and the veg is to make the shop look more local. Francesca snarks that they’re hardly going to be able to dress a whole shop with six corn cobs. Luisa wants them to spend £40 and tells them to engage their brains. Francesca tells the boys that this is why they lose tasks.

Meanwhile, in Kent, Uzma, Kurt and Zeeshaan are buying fruit and taking pictures. Neil is giving them a budget of £100 so they can buy more but Kurt doesn’t think that this is a good idea. Neil presses on regardless and they go off and buy more fruit. Over with Francesca’s Evolve Subteam, Jason still isn’t sure that six corn cobs is enough to dress an entire shop and gets Francesca to phone up Luisa to ask to spend more because the shop needs to look like it’s got something in it. She asks for £150 to buy cabbages, broccolis (sic) and 100 corn cobs. Luisa mouths “one hundred corns?!” in disgust. Francesca’s point is that the shop needs to look like it’s got something in it. Myles then comes over all alpha male and says he’s making the call and he’s going to buy it, which makes Luisa go all “buy it then, I’ll just have to come and save the day and sell it” whilst Rebecca looks at her clipboard and imagines that she would have dealt with this shit entirely differently. Leah is worried about the cost but Luisa decides to take the path of least resistance and makes a mental note to sock it to them in the board room for it if it proves to be a mistake. Myles makes the deal at £146, a mere £106 over budget. His logic is that if they didn’t put things in the shop, they wouldn’t have anything in the shop.

Over with Endeavour, Kurt, Uzma and Zeeshaan are buying fruit and veg. Zeeshaan and Kurt can’t agree on anything. Karren gives us her theory that because Kurt wants to go in to the Milkshake business with Ludalan, he’s using this task as an opportunity to show off his milkshake skillz and won’t look at anything else but the bigger picture is about the farm shop.

Back to Evolve, Myles, Francesca and Jason are trying and loving some apple juice so they phone up Luisa to ask if they should spend £75 instead of £50 on the apple juice. Luisa reminds them that they have a budget and they shouldn’t spend any more and they are now finished. Francesca interviews that she doesn’t get why they’re not out buying more and she’s concerned that she’s not got enough to sell.  The other half of Evolve are buying potatoes. Luisa thinks they have more than enough stock because their shop is going to be more about takeaway food than produce. Jordan then hilariously tries to get a bag of potatoes which is taller than him into the back of the van whilst Leah and Rebecca laugh at him openly.

EvilAlex, Neil and Natalie of Endeavour are at a farm shop in Surrey buying blackberries for milkshakes. They haggle a bit but Neil wants to check in with the others about how much they’ve bought. They’ve only spent £33 of their £100 budget. Neil and EvilAlex make unhappy faces. Neil demands to know what they’ve bought. They look at each other and shrug, then say 10 cabbages [For £33?  Bloody London prices - Rad]. Neil is concerned that they will sell out and they could sell more. Kurt explains that they are going to make ALL THE MONEY from the milkshakes. Neil isn’t so sure and stomps back into the shop to buy stuff from the farm shop at retail price.  Natalie handily points out that it was the subteam’s job to buy all this stuff and Neil points out that the point she is making is a good one. Neil interviews how he’s annoyed with the subteam and he’s got to get on with it tomorrow and sell the stock at the best margin.

7am the following day and the teams must sell their farm bought stuff to the public. Neil announces to his subteam that it’s D-Day. They discuss Uzma and how she never sells. Uzma tells Kurt and Zeeshaan that this kind of task is her thing and they’re going to see her in action. They’re going to be selling in well known centre for hipster helmetry, Broadway Market. Luisa’s team shop is brilliantly named Buffalocal and she gathers round Evolve to tell them that the buffalo meat is their USP, but it’s the takeaway food that’s the moneyspinner. She wants to sell 150 jacket potatoes and 200 portions of soup. Myles handily points out that everyone has to sell one of these every ten minutes. Not that he’s trying to take over or anything, but he takes over about six times. They are assigned their tasks and get ready for the day.

Team Endeavour have opted to name their shop Fruity Cow [BLEE - Rad] and EvilAlex is admiring himself in a hairnet on the poster. Neil doesn’t think they’ve got enough fruit and veg and he’s not happy with the subteam for not buying enough. He hopes Kurt can live up to his milkshake promise. Back over at Buffalocal, Jordan asks Myles to hold him tight as Myles grabs his bum and I weep again for the end of TV Burp. The first customers arrive and Leah tries to sell them a £20 buffalo steak and the woman actually chokes. Luisa thinks that they shouldn’t drop the prices yet. Fruity Cow still aren’t ready as Uzma dresses the shop.  Uzma wants to make it perfect but Neil isn’t interested.

Buffalocal aren’t doing well with their soup. Nick is worried that they won’t be able to shift it. Myles doesn’t want to give out free samples because it isn’t’ very nice. Way to get behind your product. Fruity Cow are doing better with their milkshakes and the orders are coming in ‘thick and fast’. LOL KARREN U IZ FUNNEH. Karren is worried that Kurt might not be able to live up to his bold milkshake claim. [Why do they only seem to be selling one milkshake flavour?  And why is it apple and blackberry, which sounds vile? - Rad]

It’s finally lunchtime and Buffalocal sell £100 worth of buffalo meat to one man, but they are having problems shifting the soup. They decide to bring it out front so that people can see it and want it. Fruity cow are still selling lots of milkshakes down the road, but Kurt wants to diversify a bit and start selling carrot juice. Uzma, Neil and Zeeshaan go off to get some apple juice to mix it with. Uzma has the temerity to ask what’s going on and they are so unbelievably rude to her that she calls him out on it. They continue to ignore her as they pop up to Costcutters for apple juice. Kurt declares it “alright” before giving it out to customers.

Meanwhile, Buffalocal haven’t sold any hot food. Jason is in the kitchen bitching that all their hard work in the kitchen is being ignored. Myles is handed some baked potatoes to sell and is unhappy with them, as he is with everything. Over at Fruity Cow, EvilAlex is shouting about fresh produce in the middle of the street whilst holding a basket, saying he’s only here for a day in a very threatening manner. Uzma weakly holds out some milk and Neil tells her to walk around a bit. She decides to talk to a couple of guys who clearly aren’t the Broadway Market type about the special milk. Neil doesn’t know what Uzma is for as she walks up to people on the street, offers them blackberries and giggles.  EvilAlex walks around like a circus ringmaster.

This happens just as Buffalocal start to sell some leek and potato soup. Myles starts shouting at Jason in the kitchen as he can’t get the lid on some soup and then goes outside to interview that he’s not really sure what Jason is for and calls him a ‘Trickless pony’. Luisa has a go at him for not being quick enough but Jason just seems to be having what can only be described as a posh daze.  Luisa wonders how he functions in his everyday life. I wonder that about every single person on this programme to be fair. Neil then tells EvilAlex to sell his fruit and veg as a box load. Karren thinks the milkshakes are holding their own but they’ve still got loads of milk left. Uzma comes with another idea that we don’t get to hear as she’s shot down by Neil.

Both teams give a final push on the sales. Evolve aren’t selling many baked potatoes and they’re declared by Luisa to be an Epic Fail. Francesca is glad that they overstepped the mark as regards stock otherwise they’d have nothing to sell.  They finish off selling the potatoes.

With Endeavour, Neil is confident that he’s led the team to the best of his ability and has driven the sales and has done enough to win. With Evolve, Luisa says that her original plan was takeaways with stock to make the shop look full but it didn’t work so the lack of stock may be the team’s downfall. BIZNIZ MINDZ.

There’s some sunset Londonporn to denote that some time has passed before we’re all at the boardroom. Daddy Lordalan arrives and wishes them all a good afternoon. He tells them that what they’ve been doing is bringing fresh farm food into the city. He starts with Evolve and asks them what happened. Luisa replies that she was the project manager and that the team quickly decided to go into the buffalo market. LordAlan begins to take the piss but Jordan jumps in and says that buffalo meat is trendy and he believes him because he has fancy glasses and directional hair so he must know what’s in. Ludsugar doesn’t want to lose face though so he makes a crack about cowboys which everyone pretends to laugh at. Myles then asks him if he’s tried buffalo meat and if he hasn’t, maybe he should. This is followed with an uncomfortable silence. Ludsirsugar asks the team if they thought they were being clever and Luisa answers that unusual meat creates a buzz and this brings them in the shop where they can sell them soup and jacket potatoes. DaddyAlan wonders if this is what people expect from a farm shop. Luisa says that she was keen to sell soup because it was low cost and she would make her money on that. Rebecca says that their target was 200 soups and 150 potatoes but Leah reveals that the number was 70 and 20 respectively. Everyone makes a face at this. Luisa explains that she adapted the strategy as soon as she realised that the baked potatoes weren’t selling. Nick then drops her in it by saying that she didn’t want them to spend as much on stock as she did. Francesca gives Luisa the side eye when she says that she thought she could stock a shop without having to buy that much stock. Ludalan gets the feeling that she wanted the other team to buy window dressing and nothing to sell. Myles confirms this because he is a disloyal, two faced git who is really making me angry today for some reason. Ludalan asks them if they were sent home and Myles drops her in it even further.  The Good PM? Question is asked and Myles keeps stirring the pot by saying that there was no strategy, no direction and no budget and he had to rely on his own initiative.

Over at Endeavour, SugaDaddy is happy that Neil was the project manager as he was sick of him being the backseat bridesmaid and never the bride. He asks what the strategy was. Neil replies milkshakes because Kurt has knowledge. They decided that they were going to make Apple and Blackberry milkshakes basically so that Ludalan can make a mobile phone joke. Ludalan asks how much Kurt pushed the milkshake angle. Neil replies that it was totally his idea to use all the wikid skills that his team has and capitalise on his very own milkshake expert. Alan asks if everyone agreed on the ‘Milky thing’ and singles out Zeeshaan. Zeeshaan keeps it diplomatic and says that he didn’t agree with the amount projected. Kurt jumps in and says that he thought that he could sell £500 worth of milkshakes on the day. Ludalan then moves on to Neil’s management style which he describes as ‘dictatorial’. Karren is a bit more tactful with ‘direct’. Ludalan then points out that Neil’s surname is Clough and wonders if he’s related to Brian. Neil says that he isn’t but he is quite similar. He then asks the team if they’re happy with their manager. They all mumble that they are, apart from Kurt who felt like some direction was missing at some points.

Numbers! Karren is first with Endeavour. Their total sales on the day was £1,097.82 on sales and £558.50 on stock giving a total profit of £539.67. Nobody dares look happy. On to Evolve. They made total sales of £1,249.52 but spent £618 generating a profit of £631.82. Jordan does some extremely undignified celebrating and is summarily told that he’s not at a football match. Neil makes a noise like a punctured football.  Alan isn’t sure why there’s such a big celebration as there’s only £91 in it, but makes a crack about Luisa having herded her buffalo well. She said that it wasn’t so bad after all, and Alan reminds her that if it was up to her, she would have lost. Their treat is tea at a restaurant called the Tram Shed. Jordan is still cheering when they get out back.

Back in the boardroom, Ludalan is berating the Milky cows for losing and tells them that it’s fine to concentrate on milkshakes if they sell enough, but they didn’t so they’ve got to come back.  The winning team go out for tea in somewhere that looks only slightly more luxurious than the loser’s cafe and Jason gets to show off his newfound catering skills. Luisa interviews that Miles pissed her off in the boardroom too because he made it seem like she had no control over the team and they only never said that she was good because they thought that they had failed.  They’re all happy now however.

Back in the loser’s cafe, Neil looks like a forlorn Danny Dyer as even EvilAlex’s eyebrows don’t seem as perky. Neil wonders aloud whether they went in the right direction. Zeeshaan wonders whether Kurt’s mind had been addled by milkshakes. Kurt doesn’t think that they sold what they had at the right margins and that it’s all Neil’s fault because he was in charge of sales. Neil looks like he’s going to cry as he explains that he doesn’t like losing and it’s all Kurt’s fault because he promised the milkshakes were a winner and they weren’t.

Back at the boardroom, the candidates all go in. Uzma looks like she’s going to vomit. Alan begins by saying that the milkshakes took over the task. Zeeshaan agrees that the focus was lost to milkshakes at the beginning. Neil argues that he went with the expertise of his subteam leader, Kurt. Ludalan then goes on to one of his analogies about going on a trip and realising that you’ve cocked up and needing to change your plan but you didn’t. It makes no sense.  Karren then chimes in and said that they diversified a bit by adding in juices. Ludalan asks about the juice. It was carrot, apple and pear. He wonders where the Apple juice came from.  The reply is Costcutters. Alan sad. Alan Angry. Alan say that stuff should be handpicked and fresh and not from supermarket. Neil can’t speak. Neil said that he would love to take responsibility but it’s all Kurt’s fault. Kurt hits back by saying that he raised half the profit himself with the milkshakes and everyone else only raised £200. Ludalan reads the figures. Milkshakes and juices made a profit of closer to £400, but Neil sees his escape route and starts shouting that he was promised SIX HUNDRED POUNDS WORTH OF MILKSHAKE. Kurt and Neil then get into a scrap about whether that figure included outlay or not but Kurt keeps coming back with the fact that he sold 2/3 of the day’s stuff himself. He also says that he could’ve made more milkshakes if Neil’s team had sold more. Alan then gets sick of this and wants to know what Uzma was doing all day because he said that he wanted to keep an eye on her.  Neil jumps straight in and says that Uzma is the worst on the team and not only was she pointless, he could’ve done better without her. Neil also says that Uzma’s team didn’t buy enough stock for them to sell and Kurt didn’t want to buy more, leading to them having to buy stock from the farm shop. The subteam say that they were not given clear direction about what to buy. At this point EvilAlex crawls out of Neil’s backside and says that OF COURSE they were given clear instructions. Neil jumps on this and says the task failed because Kurt isn’t a milkshake psychic and the subteam didn’t buy enough stock. Neil thinks the responsibility lies with Kurt for not selling enough milkshakes. Kurt looks ready to kill. He’s bringing back Kurt and Uzma. Uzma doesn’t understand, but that’s for later.

Ludalan wants another chat with Karren so everyone is dismissed for a moment. He’s wondering whether Neil was browbeaten and what Uzma is for. Karren wonders the same thing.  They return. Ludalan begins with Uzma and wants Neil to explain why she’s back. Neil thinks that she’s the weakest and it’s unsurprising that she’s been in the boardroom so often and she asks stupid questions. As far as I can see today her questions have been relevant, but it’s not my gameshow. Sorry! Process. Neil thinks that she’s definitely the weakest link and he half arsedly apologises whilst she says that she welcomes his criticism.  Ludalan would like to know why she keeps coming back into the boardroom and what it is that she gives off that makes people think that she’s doing nothing. Neil immediately begins to talk over her as she says that she’s an easy target and yet again she’s not being allowed to talk. I think it’s a fair argument. She says that she’s back because she’s under his eye. Neil says that he knew that she would say that and if that’s the case he’d have brought Natalie back but she worked hard. He then goes on to say that she’s clearly out of her depth and she won’t win. LordSirAlan reads from his REZOOMAY which says that he’s happy to trample over people and wonders if this isn’t just an incidence of this. OF COURSE IT IS. Then the Lord points out that there’s a difference between confident and cocky and maybe Neil should have a look at this, because he seems to think that what he says goes. Neil says that even though he seems to be outspoken, he’s still delivered results. Kurt is next in the firing line because he convinced the PM to sell milkshakes and made the fatal error of naming a number. Ludalan’s problem is that although everyone is picking on him for pulling a number out of the air, he’s supposed to know what he’s talking about. Kurt argues that he does know what he’s talking about, and he outsold everyone by a large margin. I watch him say large margin a few times because it’s pleasing with a Liverpool accent. Neil still tries to pass the buck but this just makes Ludalan wonder whether he can be talked into anything.  Neil strenuously denies this.

Like the rest of the entire world, Alan is now sick of talking about milkshakes and wants to know why Kurt thinks that he shouldn’t be fired. Kurt thinks that his mistake was putting out a number, but he thinks that Uzma should be fired. Uzma thinks that Neil should be fired and Neil thinks that Kurt should be fired because he’s responsible for the failure of the task, but also thinks that Uzma should be fired because she’s the weakest link. Ludalan rightly says that it’s his job to spot the weakest candidate, and it’s Neil’s job to point out who is responsible for the failure of the task. This is Kurt and this is still down to money. Ludalan shushes them.

He gets down to the nitty gritty. He tells Kurt that if today was about proving the viability of a milkshake business he’s failed because he can’t guess how many he’s going to sell.  He doesn’t want comments. He’s suspicious that Uzma is in the bottom three again and that everyone says that she doesn’t do anything. This is backed up by Nick and Karren. Finally, Neil. Neil got browbeaten and he shouldn’t blame everything on Kurt. Neil hasn’t got any room left for mistakes. Kurt needs to learn a bit of humility and Uzma must be bad at bizniz because there’s no smoke without fire.

Bye Uzma!

Uzma Taxiterviews, in a coat that matches her contacts, that Ludalan hasn’t seen the FIRE that the smoke comes from and she’s going to make millions. Back at the house, Zeeshaan is saying that Kurt messed up on the milkshakes but Neil shouldn’t have relied on him. Jason wonders aloud whether Neil can actually drive a CAR OF BIZNIZ. It remains to be seen.  Neil thinks the decision has been made.  Luisa hopes that Neil has been knocked down a peg or two. He hasn’t. JOY.

NEXT WEEK! Finding stuff task. Join Rad to see how they get on.