In which that horrible ruddy-faced bastard does not appear

So, after weeks of cleaning things and cooking things and selling things and going on the telly to sell things, we are down to the interview stage, if by interview you mean ‘see how well the contestants handle being insulted to their faces for several hours’.

We get the usual bumph and then the recap of last week’s episode, where Debrabarr excelled at being the sort of almost-human that does well on shopping channels, and Howard went home.

The comparatively late time of 6.30. Kate answers the phone with no make-up. The cars are coming in 30 minutes. She stomps about rousing people. The Humanise Debrabarr Edit continues apace, as she sits in a tracksuit and singsongs ‘We’re going for interviews!’ to Lorraine like a small child, then gives Lorraine a bit of a pep-talk and a hug and tells her not to worry about the interviews. Yasmina to-cameras that she’s never had an interview and not got the job. Lorraine to-cameras that all the rest are looking forward to interviews, but she’s bricking it.

A kind of dull and repetitious introduction to the candidates. Debrabarr is a bit mean. Kate is unflappable. Lorraine has six wins and is the most successful (Yasmina’s 3 for 3 record as project manager would like to have a word) and has a spotty CV because she spent time raising her kids. Yasmina is going to be brilliant at the interviews, she says. James says he’s the best candidate. Yuh-huh. He makes an unpleasant analogy involving his arse and Alan Sugar.

At Viglen’s offices, Sralan’s like ‘no tasks lol! Interviews though! 3 of you will be bladdy fired! Lol!’

The four rottweillers are (and as ever, I reserve the right to misspell their names, because they’re asses) Borden Chatchuk, CE of Viglen; Claude Littner, ex-assassin of Sralan; Karrrren Brady, MD of Birmingham City; and Alan Watts, a bladdy lawyer [presumably to prove that he doesn't hate them after all - Rad].

There’s a weird badly-edited confusing montage of interview clips. We see several of them saying ‘Pleased to meet you’ to the interviews, which: sigh. The correct, polite, thing to say is ‘How do you do?’ when meeting someone for the first time in a formal situation. [I didn't know that. Never let it be said that this blog isn't educational. - Steve] Kate just wants to get started. James thinks it’s like waiting to see the headmaster.

Claude tells James his CV is ‘exceptional’ – but exceptionally bad. He goes on for about twenty minutes about how James has far too many telecoms-specific terms in it; though he does complain about ‘SLA’, which is ‘service level agreement’ and isn’t that bizarre, really. [Seriously. I've encountered that one in nearly every job I've had. - Steve]

Kate tells Bodrun about herself – first class degree, marketing for a coffee chain, so on. Bodrun is impressed, but asks why she’s there. She says she wants to work in another industry, and get the chance to progress. As she comes out, the other candidates are amused that she’s smiling. She says ‘I always smile’ and then does a funny little twitch, which is either her taking the piss out of her own smiling façade, or is it legitimately slipping. Either way: heh.

Karrrren asks Yasmina about her restaurant. She and her brother were working in a restaurant and decided ‘Rah! No more making money for The Man! We shall make money for ourselves!’ Claude looks at her CV, and we get to see that she is owner, finance director and waitress of her restaurant (Claude has written ‘Why not MD?’); that she was fired from a housekeeping job in the Alps; and that her hobbies are eating nice food, horse-riding, and surfing. He praises her website and says the restaurant looks lovely. He then gets into her figures. 4.5% of her turnover was profit. She gets a bit flustered and says ‘bottomline profit’ and then gets confused between gross and net profit. Then Claude pulls out her accounts, to her astonishment, though he says ‘they’re public documents’ and she calms down. Then he tells her off some more about what she claimed her turnover was – she said it was £8,000 a week, but her accounts didn’t show £400,000 for the first year. She asks if it says £370,000 and he refuses to tell her. Which, yeah. C’mon Yasmina. Know your own figures [seriously. Has she never watched Dragon's Den? I know it's not the same show, but surely the same principle applies - Rad]. She’s dressed like a pilgrim. She comes out and tells everyone he was nice, and it was enjoyable. [or not! - Rad]

Lorraine says she’s nervous, Yasmina reassures her. Lorraine goes to see Karrrren – ‘Pleased to meet you!’ GRRR! – and Karrrren asks about Lorraine’s CV, which claims she has ‘a special gift’. Turns out this is intuition, and not firing pingpong balls from her cooch. Karrrren then picks her up on the fact that she says her job was May 07 to present, when in fact it was May 08, and asks why she LIED. [She should have said 'because lying on your CV wins you this show' - Rad]

James says the guy interviewing Debrabarr will be more scared than she is. Claude says that she’s got a great degree and so on, but she’s not a team player and seems a bit ruthless. Debrabarr says she’s ambitious, but she doesn’t want to ‘ruin’ anyone else, and she doesn’t really like the term ruthless.

Claude tells James off for saying that his job was ‘putting a leash on people who spunk money up the wall’ and then asks James why the hell he said he brought ‘ignorance’ to the table on his CV. James claims it’s a good ignorance. That’s okay then. Lorraine says that James said he was there for the challenge, and Debrabarr is all ‘Nuh-uh! He don’t challenge himself no how!’ Alan calls James immature. James gets het up and says that he doesn’t want to be seen as the joker, and has achieved everything asked of him. You weren’t asked to lose all those tasks, sweetness.

Claude asks why Kate’s CV says her greatest challenge would be working in an all-female team. She starts off fine, saying that she has worked with men more, and that’s her comfort zone, but then says that women have more ‘emotions and bitching’ but she does acknowledge that it’s a generalisation, and only her experience. Still though. Poor show, Kate.

Alan says one of Debrabarr’s references say she’s arrogant and tells people to fuck off. Does she? Yes she does! He then says that if you have to swear to communicate (fine so far), it shows that you’re arrogant (WRONG). If you have to swear to communicate it shows that you’re too inarticulate to express yourself any other way, which, by the way, is a bigger flaw in a businessperson than arrogance. Interviewer FAIL. [I don't like this assumption about people "having" to swear. I don't HAVE to, I just fucking choose to. - Steve] Then Karrrren dives in and says that her colleagues says ‘you love her or hate her, but lots of people hate her’ and ‘she thinks she’s the dog’s bollocks’. Debrabarr literally snorts with laughter at this and responds brilliantly, basically saying that yes she’s driven, yes she’s passionate, and if you see those qualities in a woman, it’s easy to turn around and call her a bitch. Karrrren, who, by the way, is wearing this bizarre white smock thing, with like a cummerbund with a blue pattern on it – looking like she’s inspired by Lady GaGa’s china outfit and got a bit muddled – goes on about how she’s a successful businesswoman, but nobody calls her a bitch. Debrabarr doesn’t even dignify that shit with a response and just stares at Karrrren. Outside, they ask if anything was nice at all, and Debrabarr says ‘Yeah! “Pleased to meet you”!’ and laughs beautifully. She really should laugh more.

Karrrren then goes to Kate, oooh, you’ve got trouble with emotions in the workplace, but you had emotions for Philip, didn’t you? Kate’s like, nah, not really. Karrrren’s like ‘oh, but it was a problem for other people!’ as though Lorraine wasn’t using it as a brilliant boardroom tool as opposed to something the actually gave a shit about. Kate says it’s ‘a nonsense’ and people’s own binniz be they own binniz. Karrrren’s like, so you’re not whinging and moaning then? Kate’s like, well, yeah, I am now and we see a flash of personality for a second, but she locks that down with a quickness to ‘everyone has the right to whinge and moan’ sometimes. Karrren, all smug like she’s just struck the coup de grace says, but that’s your greatest problem! Women who whinge and moan! I caught you out! I am the fucking Sherlock Holmes of Apprentice interviews! Much like Debrabarr, Kate doesn’t even respond.

Alan has a big go at Yasmina that her mother remortgaged her house to raise finance for Yasmina’s restaurant. As though she held her mother at gunpoint, rather than this grown woman making her own decision. What a bullshit thing to complain about.

Karrrren asks if Lorraine is tough. She claims she is – dealing with her husband leaving her and her daughter being ill. Karrrren asks if she rubs people the wrong way, and Lorraine is like ‘Apparently! Who knew?’

Claude tells Kate she’s Little Miss Perfect – she says nobody is perfect – and that even though she’s clearly very very competent, and even in this interview she’s well within her comfort zone – but she’s not passionate. Kate says that she is and says that at 16 she was the youngest person to be put forward for the McDonald’s management programme (managing in her tone of voice to express ‘this is a little bit ridiculous, but it does still prove my point’) and that you can’t achieve excellent results without having passion.

Debrabarr tells Alan that the biggest thing she’s learned the past ten weeks is how her personality may impact on other people, and even though that was hard it was brilliant, because at 23 she has the opportunity to transform that. Perfect answer.

James says blah blah blah he doesn’t want to go home yet.

Debrabarr has never had so much negative feedback in one day, but really wants to be the Apprentice.

Back at the flat, they eat dinner and Cheers! each other. Lorraine’s second Irish line of the episode tells us that she’s a bit shocked and she says that if she gets this it will show she’s more than what she’s achieved so far.

To the boardroom. NotFrances’s computer has no icons at all on the desktop.

Sralan’s interviewers chat to him, Nick and Margaret. Alan starts off on Lorraine. She talks too much but doesn’t answer the question. Karrrren goes off on one about the special gift and intuition. Bordun goes on about how she claimed to read minds. We see in a clip she said no such thing, but that she was able to mirror people. He asks what he’s thinking, and her third Irish line of the episode says he doesn’t know if she’s for real. Margaret defends her, saying she makes the right call when others don’t, but doesn’t know when to shut up about that. Others say that she’s not right and wouldn’t cope with the stress.

Claude says Yasmina actually shows entrepreneurial spirit, and has her own business, but that she didn’t do that well once he questioned her accounts. Alan asks why would she want to be back on the ladder, rather than running her own business. Claude then goes back to that bullshit well about her mother’s mortgage. Karrrren tells him to shut up because the restaurant is a success and so it was a good risk. Claude says ‘Hindsight is great!’, all petulant, and srsly, what the hell is your damage, Mary? Sralan then reminisces that his parents used all their savings to buy him a car, so shut up Claude. Nick says parents make sacrifices, so shut up Claude. Karrren (now wearing a nasty blue dress that appears to be made out of some rubberised material an has funny little peak sleeves like the uniforms in Captain Scarlet, and as we will see, again with the weird patterned cummerbund) says Yasmina is great.

James didn’t have a good interview with Karrrren. He recognised that it wasn’t good. She gave him one opportunity to say something impressive, and he said he wanted Sralan to be Willy Wonka and give him the keys to the factory; he couldn’t stop joking. Bordun says he’s got some impressive achievements. Nick says he’s lucky and ‘shimmied through’.

Karrren was very impressed with Kate, but perhaps she was too good, and a bit robotic. Interview flashback to Karrrren and Kate, with Kate saying that she definitely isn’t boring, and anyone who knows her would say that. Nick says, as a genuine suggestion, ‘maybe she hasn’t got a personality!’ Karrrren raises her complaint about bitchy emotional women again. They conclude that unflappability isn’t a bad thing and that Kate would be a great employee.

Karrrren says that Debrabarr’s references were harsh, and Alan says he wasn’t convinced by her argument that she’s learnt to moderate her personality. Bodrun says she might upset people. Claude says she’s young enough to be able to change. Sralan says she’s got some nasty ways, but some great qualities. They all agree that she’s very mature for 23, (although 23 isn’t the magical age of 24, so she doesn’t carp on about it), and has some great qualities but could be risky.

The interviewing folk leave. Margaret says they’re all good but none are perfect, but that would be too much to ask. NotFrances sends the candidates through. Sralan wants them to tell him why they should get the job. Who wants to kick off? Nobody responds. Eventually James does, saying that he doesn’t look great on paper, and has lots of losses, but he thinks he and Sralan could be a good match. At this, Kate’s eyes practically bulge out on stalks. James prattles on about how he’s not just a joker blah blah blah.

Sralan moves to Debrabarr. They’ve forgotten that she’s just 23, but can she curtail her attitude? She says that she’s taken on the negative feedback, which has been hard, but she’s now willing to adjust her personality if that’s what’s necessary. Sralan says she needs to conquer herself before she conquers the world.

He tells Kate that the interviewing people considered her robotic; she awesomely says ‘I’ll take that as a compliment’ and says that she’s very composed and controlled. Sralan says he’s never met anyone that controlled who is successful. She says she isn’t always like that, but in interview situation, it shows strength of character to stay composed and not get flustered. Sralan says that he’s a bit old-fashioned and doesn’t like storyboards and spreadsheets and so on; Kate says that’s great, and it’s about acting appropriately for the situation.

Lorraine has had some tough times and Sralan does believe she’s tough as an ox. However, she’s been a focal point of conflict, and has been a bit more critical of people than others. She was a bit shocked by the feuding and so on. Sralan’s like ‘that’s nothing compared to these CREDIT CRUNCH times!’.

Sralan asks Yasmina why she wants to curtail her freedom by coming to work for him and she says that she feels a bit wasted in the catering industry, and she wants to develop her skills and then get that freedom back later. He asks if she’s one of the most credible, and she says definitely.

Sralan, verbatim: ‘Debra, leopard, spots. Will it change? Won’t it change? Young.’

‘Yasmina. Here for the right reason? Dunno.’ Cue HWUH? face from Yasmina.

Lorraine might not be right, Kate always has the right answers. He tells James there’s nothing wrong with being friendly, but he’s a corporate man and that don’t exist at Sralansugarindustries Incorporated, so with regret he’s fired. James thanks him, and says it’s been brilliant.

Debrabarr starts to cry. Yasmina, seated between them, has an arm on Debrabarr and Lorraine, reassuring them. Sralan sends them out for a breather. Sralan, Margaret and Nick says James is great. Notfrances sends them back in.

There will only be two people in the final. HOORAY! He tells Yasmina he’s concerned about her commitment because of her restaurant. She says that she didn’t want to do the graduate training programme like everyone else (cue slight bitchface from Kate, who did one) and wanted to learn about business from the grassroots level. Kate’s received lots of compliments, but she’s clinical and robotic. She says that she’s performed well and achieved results, and you don’t do that as a robot. She claims she’s not short on personality but manages to seem like a total robot while doing so. I think Kate’s issue is that she’s so into this ‘being professional and composed’ mode, which is a good thing, that she finds it hard to let it slip and let herself come out. I don’t believe she’s a robot, she just has incredibly strict Work-Life boundaries.

Lorraine starts on about her tough background, and Sralan basically says ‘I’m sympathetic, but shut up’. She says that she’s learnt when to push herself forward more and will take it with her for the rest of her life. Sralan says to take that with her now, cos she’s fired. She thanks him for the opportunity. She and Debrabarr share a touch as she leaves.

Sralan says there are three awesome people left, basically. He tells Yasmina that the big hiring computer would tell him not to hire her cos she already has a business. He tells Debrabarr that if she manages her character, her reputation will manage itself. She says she can do that. He says that’s just words. She says no, she’s done it over the last ten weeks and will continue doing so. [Which is true, and is also pretty much what Claire did last year - Rad]

Sralan says, ‘Kate, you’re in the final’ and it’s bizarre to watch. First you have her very professional ‘thank you Sralan’; then a ZOMG!!! Face; then professional calm; then ZOMG!! again.

He tells Debrabarr and Yasmina there is nothing between them and it was a tough decision. He’s not worried about the person who’s leaving. Debrabarr, you should be proud of yourself, and I wish you the best of luck, you’ll be successful in the future, you’re fired. And, because it’s awesome, Debrabarr verbatim: ‘Thank you very much, each of you, for your feedback, and I’ll take it with me, and be a success’. Sralan tells her to keep in touch. She grins hugely and hugs Yasmina and then Kate. Nicest firing and best firing response ever. [It almost felt like Debrabarr fired Sralan, somehow, given how she totally came out on top. It was awesome. - Steve]

Yasmina can’t seem to process that she’s in the final. It was the toughest decision he’s had to make, and walking out that door might be his biggest mistake. He doesn’t want them to let him down, blah di blah. Back to the penthouse! Kate and Yasmina hug and prance in the lobby.

Now, I love both Kate and Yasmina, so this is an awesometastic final. And last year’s four-way final was ricockulous. But a three-way Debrabarr, Yasmina, Kate final would have been amazing.

Londonporn. The girls gossip in the back of a taxi. Very excited, blah-di-blah.

Next week (or rather, on Sunday): the fired candidates come back (obviously) (Yasmina: ‘Awww!’). They have to design and launch a new box of chocolates. Debrabarr says ‘It looks like a box of Tampax.’ Philip choreographs something. I generally like to predict who’ll win by which fired candidates they take, but as Kate appears to have Ben, and Yasmina appears to have Philip, they’ve got an albatross each, so who can say?

[Join me tomorrow LIVE! For a Liveblog! And crying about Margaret quitting - Rad]

Summer gays , drifting away

Previously on The Apprentice... Our hapless heroes thought they were going somewhere exotic but they went Oop North. Mona didn’t go for any of Sralan’s ace leads put pulled off some awesome negotiations. Lorraine’s team picked some rubbish items and Philip, Ben and Kate couldn’t be arsed to sell anything. In the boardroom Philip was a dick, Lorraine snitched on his relationship with Kate, Kate wiped the floor with both of them and Philip was fired, which was a joke. According to Philip.

It's 5.10am(!), and NotFrances calls. Mona, barely awake, answers the phone. The cars will be with them in half an hour and they have to take an overnight bag. Sunrise over London porn.

This week’s tenuous venue is the Millennium Dome the O2, built ‘about ten years ago’. Yes, Sralan, for that big thing that happened ‘about 10 years ago’ called the millennium. Anyway, it rebranded successfully (allegedly, although I defy anyone to see a picture of it and not think of it as the Dome first) and so they’re going to rebrand Margate. Considering the wealth of creative brandng talent on show so far this series, I bet Margate can't wait. They're surely kicking themselves over Philip's firing last week when he could have come up with a wonderfully inappropriate concept this time around as well.

The teams have two days to come up with a ‘marketing makeover’. In team one, everyone wants to be the manager, especially Howard, but Debrabarr tells him he can be the subteam manager if he wants. I can't work out whether she's incredibly harsh here or just incredibly awesome by deciding she's PM and not engaging in any debate. It's pretty forceful, whatever.

In team two, Yasmina and Kate are wearing matching waistcoat/tanktop combos. Yasmina wants to be PM and everyone else agrees.

Mona apparently knows Margate well and says ‘it’s all about families’. Which, yes, it's a seaside resort, that stands to reason. Howard and James say that’s not rebranding. Howard asks how they feel about the gay market. Mona says she’d rather go with families but the others want to actually rebrand as per the task remit, so the gays it is. Mona PTCs that Kent is not a place for the gays and no gays are in Kent. Kent says no to gays!

Over in team two, Lorraine says with the ‘economic downturn’ (drrrink) more families will want to holiday in Britain. The team quickly agree to sell to families.

Lots of London porn and twiddly classical music.

In team two’s car, Lorraine is working a Jenny Celery-esque scarf and discussing things with Ben and it’s all rather amicable. It's actually quite amazing how the dickwipe quotient in that car has decreased by about 110% (drink!) since Philip left - even though it still has Lorraine AND Ben in it.

Mona and James discuss how they need to find out what’s going on in Margate.

Team one – Empire, apparently – are casting for their models. They have two men and Howard asks if they’ve ever done any same sex modelling? They say no. Howard then gets lots of boys to touch each other up for his and Debrabarr’s pleasure.

Margate, we are told, is ‘just another faded seaside town’. Cue lots of shots of broken glass and boarded up shops. However! Margate needn't be sad, as the candidates will fix all of this! Or! The producers have just dealt the Margate tourist board a nasty blow.

Mona and James talk to the locals and say they want to rebrand Margate. The locals say ‘that’s our job’. They mention attracting the gays. The locals are all well up for it, but Mona keeps trying to talk them out of it. Kent is up for the gays after all!

Yasmina and Kate, still in matching outfits, audition for the ‘perfect’ mum and dad. They get people to flash their legs and chests. These auditions are really just an excuse for a good old perv, aren’t they?

Ben and Lorraine are looking for something to make Margate special and attract young upwardly mobile (hello 1987) families. They settle for a nice shot of some rockery in what’s either a park or a crazy golf course, I can't really tell, with a view of the sea behind. Ben VTs that Margate is hardly the Seychelles. He comes up with a slogan ‘shellebrate family fun’ and phones Y and K with this. They lol and are all ‘NO WAI’. He then says something about it being the epitome of British culture and they LOL some more. Lorraine suggests seeing it through children’s eyes and they are up for that.

Mona talks to a pre-op transsexual and asks if Margate is for the gays and then asks what her sexuality is. She is told about waiting for the op and asks so ‘are you a boy or a girl’ and says 'you can't tell' (which: you could tell a mile off, sorry) seems rather shocked by the whole thing. Oh, Mona. The complete horror of this exchange doesn't work so well in recap but it's essentially something only to be watched through the gaps in your fingers.

James phones back and says everyone’s thought it was time to move on from the blue rinse brigade, and they’re onto a winner.

8am, the morning of the photo shoot and it’s all fogtastic. It will be interestinf to see if Sralan can blame then for the bladdy weather in the boardroom. I wouldn't put it past him. Lorraine and Ben call Yasmina in a panic and she’s all ‘get a nice shot, we want background with lots of space in’ and not really getting the whole weather situation.

Over at team gay, five models are pretending to be lesbian and gay. The lesbians are clearly in a three-way setup. Progressive! Not only is Margate embracing the gays, it's embracing threesomes! Brilliant! Mona asks them to pose. James hangs on to a pole-dancing pole. Nick says it’s all looking a bit stiff and wooden (heh) and they’re not getting much direction. I'm not entirely sure why Howard isn't in team Margate, as being the creative one, it would seem to make more sense.

Ben is taking control of team nuclear family and making lots of square ‘framing’ gestures with his fingers to show he knows what he is doing, right. It's all very Michael Sophocles, film director, except even crapper, which I wouldn't have thought was possible.

In London (because there are no design guys in Margate, clearly), Yasmina lays out her leaflet, whilst Debra and Howard are struggling with their posters – Howard thinks there’s too much text and there should only be four words. The design guy sits and stares into space. Debrabarr's, all 'I dunno, four words isn’t many'. Howard says you’re not listening to me, which, no, she’s just not convinced, Fishy. At this point I assume they'll come up with a compromise, you know, more than four words, but less than oooh, let's say ten. Let's see whether this happens, shall we?

James is taking a shot of two ‘gay’ men with ice-creams and says ‘not too much suggestive licking guys’.

Ben is back ‘framing’ again and says ‘none of this horrible stuff; more of the sea, less of Margate’. The Margate tourist board put their collective heads in their hands. Lorraine thinks the shots are too boring (families sitting down) and wants an action shot with them jumping for a beach ball. In London, Yasmina receives the photos and bitches that they don’t have enough empty space for the text. Ben rings and she says ‘Ben you dickwad, where’s my empty space? And you Lorraine’. Lorraine’s all ‘you don’t put text on photographs in posters’ which: when was the last time you saw a poster, Cassandra?

Debrabarr and Howard have a discussion. Debrabarr suggests comparing Margate to Manchester and Brighton, as the next big gay destination. Howard says ‘thought you knew about Margate?’ It all seems very civil.

Yasmina asks Lorraine what she thinks of the poster. Lorraine says 'I think the photo should be the centre'. Yasmina says 'we need to finish it and then talk about it afterwards'. Lorraine’s all ‘that would be too late, numpty’. They then have a big fight. We see the poster and it’s a random image of a child and parent doing pottery with a slightly random font choice - a nice font, but rather formal for a child-oriented thing. Kate tries to bridge over the troubled waters a little.

Team gay aren’t convinced by their leaflets because they don’t have enough content and the design guy doesn’t have enough time to get all the content on. It’s not clear whose fault this is. They leave a big space in the bottom right hand corner, which Nick points out and they decide they have to leave it. In the taxi, Debrabarr says she’s pissed off they didn’t finish the leaflet. Howard asks if there’s an image, a colour, anything in the gap. Debrabarr says no, they left it empty. Howard pulls the face of one who knows they've just lost.

They now have to pitch to ‘industry experts’ and the people of Margate. First to hear the pitches are two industry chiefs and a tourism expert.

Kate’s team show their posters and Kate gives a reasonable presentation that sounds confident and mentions how they played on the British weather. One exec asks if they took their logo off, would they recognise it as their campaign? They say yes, the blue is key, the ad execs say, well not really. The logo is a wave with margate on, and the design is all blues and whites, which is quite nice, but it all looks rather formal rather than ‘fun’.

Howard pitches for team gay. He starts by asking ‘do you know Margate?’. One exec withers ‘yes’. Their posters are ridiculous and I can only deduce that their graphic designer is either a fake, or hates the gays/the candidates, because regardless of the 'creative direction' of the candidates, no graphic designer worth their salt would even contemplate something that looks like this. They've used ugly as hell fonts and a nasty beige colour that all looks so amateur, and there are several paragraphs of text on each poster, although some of their photos could be nice if used differently. Essentially, it looks like a year eight poster produced in a PSE lesson to promote some sort of 'issue'. Howard fudges the blank on the leaflet saying it’s for adverts. One ad man says ‘posters should be under 10 words, yours has 70’. One ad lady says ‘your leaflet isn’t finished, is it?’ Mona says it’s a work in progress, and really, just hold your hands up and say you ran out of time.

Pitching to Margate. Kate pitches through children’s eyes. Slogans say things like ‘see the children enjoy themselves’ and ‘award winning sandy beaches’ which seem more parent-oriented to me, but, hey. One lady says Kate’s pitch was ace but the leaflet image looks like an oil slick and she thought they might offer something different. A man says it’s solid, safe and pedestrian, they want to promote arts and culture and there’s nothing there. Kate says some nonsense about long-term strategy and this being the first campaign in a lengthy rebranding. Oh Kate, you know how this show works by now, and longevity is never a factor (except when offerng exclusivity on other people's products like Princess Lindi and The Best Salesperson in Europe).

Howard says people associated Margate with dull, grey, old people and the camera pans to some older, grey haired officials. Ooof. Howard explains their publicity better than he did with the execs. A woman says nice pitch but dreadful visuals – we can’t read the posters. Howard says, yeah, you’re right. The man who told Kate they were safe then tells them off for limiting the marketing just to the gays. What the hell does Margate want? Howard says where the gays lead, everyone else follows.

Boardroom time, and there’s a shiny blue screensaver on NotFrances’s desk to match the shiny blue lighting and shiny blue eyes. Mona is now wearing Kate and Yasmina’s shirt/tank top uniform.

He asks Ignite how they came up with a family theme. Yasmina says they had a bit of discussion. Sralan interjects as to why she was PM. She says they all wanted her to do it. Sralan: hmmm. Sralan asks about their ideas and the others try to claim they had some brilliant ones. They go on about children liking the beach and Sralan points out there weren’t any children on their rather arty beach shot. Surprisingly, Lorraine doesn't bang on about her unused beach ball photo here.

He asks who put themselves forward as Empire team leader. Debrabarr says she and Howard wanted to. Sralan asks how did you decide? Howard says they agreed on a compromise. If compromise means Debra telling you what you're doing, then sure. Howard explains they chose the gays because it was all about rebranding. Sralan says yes, but your marketing sucks. Howard says ‘we had some clear points’. Sralan says, yes, very clear and shows two blank sides of paper. Fail. He asks Debrabarr who was weakest on their team. She says James and Mona.

The marketing people marked the teams out of 10. From the Margate jury, Team gay: 4; Team nuclear family: 7. From the pro jury, Team gay: 4; Team Nuclear family: 7. It seems to boil down to them having nicer looking publicity and an actual slogan, which is fair enough, even though they didn’t really do any rebranding, and if they'd lost, you just know Sralan would have taken them to task for this. They win some fast car driving, which is probably a bit more fun than laughter yoga. James almost cries.

At the car track, Ben has an orgasm to the camera and they all whoop a lot. Last year's apprentices collectively shudder as watching the fast cars evokes the memory of the supercar task.

In the café of doom, Mona says the fail was because Margate hates the gays (even though they clearly love the gays as we all saw). She then asks if Debrabarr only left an hour for the leaflet. Debrabarr says we wanted to wait for you. James says we lost because our leaflets and posters were shit and turned around in five minutes. Trufax.

Sralan says they made a bold statement about going for the gay market, then whispered the message. Howard says ‘we didn’t want to alienate people’. Sralan says the people were all up for the gays, you just sucked. Sralan says the posters were confusing. Margaret says they should have one big picture and only ten words. Howard says they wrote too much text. Sralan says who wrote it, you or her? Howard and Debrabarr say they both did. Sralan says Mona, you live in Kent, so why didn’t you give them hints? Mona says yes I live there but Debra didn’t listen [to my homophobia]. Sralan says Nick and Margaret say Mona doesn’t have many ideas and where’s her creativity? Mona says she found locations and spoke to a gay, which must mean she's creative and progressive, right? James says she was inappropriate at times. Mona says it was because she was uncomfortable with the subject. Mona says she didn’t agree with the concept. James says whatever your own opinions you need to leave them aside and get on with it. James has come a long way from the doofus of the early weeks, hasn't he?

Sralan says this leaflet isn’t finished. Debrabarr flusters and Nick says you said it was designed for advertisers. Margaret says they didn’t like being lied to and it blew the trust between advertisers and clients. Sralan: 'you’d have been better off saying to them…' Debrabarr: ‘I had Mona in my ear for 15 minutes and couldn’t get on?’ Sralan: 'exactly'. James says he and Howard had no responsibility. Mona says she and James were shocked that nothing was done when they arrived. Debrabarr says the Margate team weren’t creative enough. No-one takes any responsibility. Debrabarr: is it just the images and text that were wrong? (Well, no, it;s the lack of them in the case of the leaflet) Sralan: maybe it’s you. Debrabarr’s bringing back James and Mona. Sralan says you couldn’t bring Howard back because he did loads, although he was also with the 'designer' so I'm not entirely sure he should escape all culpability.

Margaret says they didn’t get a lot of support from the team in Margate, Sralan says Debrabarr needs to think on her feet more and stop lying, although surely you end up lying if you think on your feet too much?

He asks James for a rundown as he hasn’t had much time to talk to him in recent weeks. James says Debrabarr is a bulldog and difficult, but at least she's consistent, whilst Mona blows hot and cold. Debrabarr says Mona wasn’t up for it. Mona says ‘why did I talk to a gay person if I wasn’t?’ Debrabarr says they gave her limited ideas. James and Mona said she thought their ideas were great. Sralan asks who was responsible for the lousy posters. James says Mona was responsible for 15 minutes and Debrabarr for six hours. Debrabarr says I was sat in front of the computer but I needed my team and I wish I was you two sat out eating fish and chips. She and Mona fight a bit.

Sralan tells Mona she sits in the background and doesn’t do anything. Mona says ‘with all due respect Nick and Margaret are not always there and don’t always listen'. What's with the candidates trying to hate on Nick and Margaret this series? Sralan says she just says what she thinks people want to hear. Sralan accuses James of also taking a backseat. James says he doesn’t. Debrabarr asks what he did. He says he sorted out all the photos and didn’t have time to look at the posters. Sralan says he’s playing a clever game to make sure he doesn’t get brought back into the boardroom. James says if he’s looking for someone who says yes Sralan no Sralan three bags full Sralan, that’s not him, he's not a knucklehead. Unfortunately James, that's exactly the kind of person Sralan wants in his organisation.

Sralan says Debrabarr is bossy and can’t afford that in his organisation (but she'll be a good one to come second, or to go out in the rottweiler stage). He says James is a court jester, but he’s not looking for that, and with Mona he doesn’t see any creativity and has to think abot where she would slot into his oh-so-creative organisation. He thinks she might be right at the end of the pier in this process. Mona, with regret, you’re fired. He’s going to keep his eyes on James. I'm not getting why Sralan still hates James so much. I mean, he sucked royally at the start, but he's seemed pretty competent recently, and everyone else seems to like him.

Coatwatch: boring black but with a fetching green scarf. Note to other candidates: if you must wear boring black coats, accessorising is the way to go.

In the cab we hear that Sralan was wrong because Mona’s a stronger candidate, but she’s not going to cry over it.

Crackden apts. They’re not sure who will be back. Lorraine really likes Debrabarr but thinks she’s gone. Ben hopes it's James because to send back the weakest would be an ideal situation for him, because he knows he's going to get fired soon anyway. They return and Debrabarr says she’s ace so she knew she wouldn’t go, and she thought James would go before Mona. Ouch.

Next time: the candidates scare small children at a baby goods sales fair.

Value Added Twats

As you may have heard, there’s this job going at NotAmstrad. The pay will be bang on £100,000 which is much less than the runners-up will make from media appearances, and in order to succeed at it, you’ll need to lose all sense of personality or ambition and develop a strong appreciation for sitting in a storecupboard with no windows. Still, that’s months away and for now you’ve got a telly show to make… welcome to The Apprentice.

I’ve realised that every time I get to do a recap it’s a really dull week so I apologise in advance for this one and the rather dull task, it’s clearly my fault for being on the rota. So, onwards.

Last week Kate stormed to victory with an advert that had a jingle I’ve still got in my head a week later, whilst on the losing team, Philip bulldozed everyone into thinking selling breakfast cereals to children using a character called Pantsman, who is allowed to wear his pants outside his clothes, but you’re not because eating the cereal means you don’t put your pants on over your clothes. Everyone was confused, Kimberly proved to be a cream puff, but not in the least bit ruff or tuff and was FIRED and Steve recapped it all for you a little further down the page.

Crackden Apartments. Philip finally answers the phone in his pants, but it’s too late to try and get us interested in you now, cuntwipe.

This week we’re off to an auction house in Chiswick and in this place people come to have their products VALUED and sold. Get the emphasis there? Good, because the next think Sralan says is that this task is about selling. He’s then all cryptic and like ‘sell them but don’t take everything at face value’.

More team swapping, which makes Ignite and Empire meaningless as team names. Anyway, Kate and Noorul swap, presumably on the grounds that swapping possibly the best candidate with possibly the worst one will make the teams more even. Ben and Philip are the team leaders which automatically means there’s no-one to root for this week.

Sralan asks if everything’s clear – it truly isn’t.

Sralan PTCs that they have ten items but don’t have to sell them all, they do have to sell them at the right price and the right value. This wasn’t particularly clear from his instructions earlier, although it was revealed on You’re Fired that the written brief was a little clearer. The items they have to sell include a rug, some shoes and a box of books. Ben tells Imnite they need to value their items.

Ben VTs that he is a natural born leader and that’s what Sandhurst saw in him, and situations when he’s under pressure, under gun fire, is when he can lead. Interestingly, his voice wobbles a bit as he’s saying this.

Over at Egpire, Philip says he and Lorraine fight but he doesn’t want that any more. He then tells Lorraine off for looking at a rug which isn’t important. He VTs that she’s erratic, for example, she’s looking at a rug made ‘about five years ago’ and that she’s volatile.

Ben decides to ‘lead from the front’ and takes seven items to sell, whilst Philip divides his team’s articles in half.

Philip is convinced the skeleton has the highest value and goes to see a dealer in old curiosities. They tell him it’s amazing and ask if he’s sold that kind of thing. The dealer says no, it’s too new, and suggests they try the universities.

Ben ‘leads an assault’ on book dealers. Interestingly their pile includes some sort of Take That annual circa 1992. The VO tells us the booksellers know their stuff but can’t be rushed. After a few seconds, Ben starts to ask for a decision on a costume book, which the dealer says is worth £10 at the most. After a couple of valuations, Ben leads and says he can’t take any shit ‘I’m fed up of these book people talking shit to me for too long’. Debrabarr says they just want to talk at you. Ben then snarks that this is a horrible task for him to be PM of so will no doubt blame the task if it all goes wrong.

Philip still has his skeleton bone-on whilst Lorraine is keen on the rug. Philip says ‘it’s a nylon rug, made in the last year, try and heed some of my advice’. Lorraine tries to persuade him to get a valuation and he dismisses her.

Ben’s team go to another book dealer with their first edition Octopussy – it’s a James Bond specialist store, so they’ve struck gold. Debrabarr negotiates well and gets £100 from him. Ben shakes his hand, just in case you were worrying he didn’t totally nail that negotiation with his ace skillz.

Philip and co wheel their skeleton into a pub and accost some customers asking if they are doctors or nurses. Philip then shouts out ‘anyone interested in buying a skeleton?’ Someone asks how much and says he’ll give them two quid. Another man asks what it retails at. Philip says £250-300 and the man offers £150. They agree on £160 cash. Margaret says they were very lucky ‘they found someone in a bar who’d wanted one all his life’ but that they learned it was worth trying. I think she might be vaguely impressed at their gall.

Kate tries to flog another book to a market trader and they debate over whether or not she has hungry eyes, and I think he's trying to come onto her a bit which makes me feel rather queasy.

Yasmina and Ben sell some jellied eels in melting ice for £30 to a fishmonger who doesn’t seem keen but thinks getting on the telly might boost his business.

The voiceover tells us that the Indian rug is worth over £200. At this point, everyone I was watching with exploded with glee.

Philip tries to sell it at a flea market and the sellers all think it’s too expensive for them to afford. Margaret says this must be one of the most stupid activities they have ever engaged in. Lorraine VTs that she keeps bringing up the need for the rug to be valued and keeps being told it’s a piece of shite, so she;s quite confused as to whether it’s a gem or a piece of shite. Heh, love Lorraine a little bit today.

Noorul’s found a taker for the skeleton, and both the voiceover and Yasmina sound amazed he’s managed to sell. It’s apparently worth over £150 (not £250-300). They meet a man who says he’s a student and therefore needs a discount. He offers them £50 and Noorul flounders for an eternity before Ben steps in and says he appreciates the man’s a student, ‘but it’s springloaded on the jaw!’ They agree on £60.

Yasmina and Deke go to some rug shops in North London but are told it’s too expensive for that area by several shop owners, who clearly wouldn’t know a piece of one year old nylon shite if it walked into their shop rolled up. Oh, wait…

Philip and co try selling door to door, but people don’t seem to need rugs. Margaret is speechless and apart from Lorraine, they’ve ignored its true value all day and they’ll be lucky to get £10 for it the way they’re going on.

Two hours left and Ben can’t get a buyer for the commode. He suggests selling it as ‘an accessory, rather than what it actually is’. A dealer says it’s not interested as he doesn’t have clients for those types of chairs. They ask if he’ll buy it for a fiver. He says he’ll give them a fiver to go away. Ben wonders if they should offer people money to take it. He calls Debrabarr’s half of the team and tells them to get rid of the rug and come back to him. She says they don’t have time. Yasmina bitches that Debrabarr’s tone of voice is horrible, and she clearly hasn’t forgiven her for futureblackbabygate.

In Greenwich market, Ben’s trying to offload his remaining five items, including vintage shoes worth over £100. He suggests selling them as a load of crap for £1. Nick VTs that they’re treating the whole thing as a ‘flog-off’ and Ben needs to get a grip.

Thirty-five minutes to go, and Philip still has the rug and he ‘cannae believe they cannae sell it’. A market trader tells him she doesn’t have the clientele for it. Philip has not heard a single word a trader has said to him all episode. I imagine Philip’s head is like Homer Simpson’s when he has that little cartoon jingle going on in it all the time, only in Philip’s head is a loop of him singing the ‘pants on your head’ song and guffawing at himself. They call out at a passer by and ask if he wants to buy a rug. The man asks if it’s blue. Philip says he needs to sell it and will offer £50. The man says he wants blue. Mona says ‘there’s blue in it’. The man is all ‘are you avin’ a larf?’ He says he’ll give them £50 because it’s brand new (and he’s on telly). He goes off and Lorraine says ‘that was the gem’ and she feels the rug and the shoes were the valuable items. Philip says ‘you never fail to disappoint, you didn’t say anything about the rug all day and now you’re changing your tune’. A whole nation throws darts at their tellies.

Boardroom.

Sralan says some of those products were worth more than you thought, bit like him, not much to look at but worth lots. He asks if Ben was a good team leader. A couple of the team go ‘alright’ in the most damning-with-faint-praise way ever. Sralan asks if he’s tired. Ben says ‘exhausted’. Sralan says ‘never mind’. He asks Ben if it was too tough for him. Ben says yeah but no but yeah but no.

He asks if Philip was a good team leader and if they've gotten over last week. Lorraine says yes, they were professional. Philip talks about the books and Sralan makes a racialist slur by saying he can’t understand Philip’s accent. He asks if anyone else made valuations. Lorraine says she wanted to value the rug but no-one else did and she didn’t want to cause trouble like on the previous task. Sralan says ‘but you were right last time’. Yes, and you told her off for it. Margaret calls her the ‘Cassandra’ of the team, which no-one else in the room gets, but Margaret is clearly on a BBC-sponsored mission to educate and inform us about classical mythology, so now we all know that Cassandra was a 'prophetess' who was always right but nobody listened to. Sralan says Lorraine needs to speak up, which is exactly the opposite of what he told her last week, so I think the poor bladdy woman's on a hiding to nothing, and tells Philip off for not taking any notice of his team.

Sralan will be calculating profit/loss on what they sold against what the items were worth. Impire make a loss of £96 and Egnite make a THUMPING net loss of £269. Sralan says as far as Philip’s team are concerned they won, but not for him as they made a bladdy loss. He says Philip’s mind is like concrete, fully mixed but set in its ways. Heh. He says their prize is truffle tasting, but not the chocolate kind. Kate cheers and everyone else looks nonplussed, presumably as they’d prefer chocolate.

The other team need to prepare themselves and they’re gonna need that bladdy commode as one of them’s gonna get fired.

At the meal, Philip says he’s always wanted this to happen to him, although we’re not clear what the ‘this’ is and he says there must be a real difference between cheap wine and other stuff because what they’re drinking is really smooth. No shit, Sherlock. He toasts ‘Cassandra’ for putting up with him and she looks displeased because she knows he's learned fuck-all this past couple of tasks.

Loser café is looking even more crumbly than ever. Yasmina says ‘it’ll be interesting to see where Sralan points us to apportion the blame’, clearly proving she will know how to read a boardroom should she end up leading a team in there. Interesting. Debrabarr VTs that she doesn’t know who’ll get fired but it won’t be her.

Sralan says anyone with half a brain cell would sit down and work out where the gems are in the pile of stuff and work out what to sell. Why didn’t that happen? It didn’t happen in the other team either, which might suggest that your instructions were a crock of shit. I’m just saying. Sralan says they failed in identifying prices and seemed to think it was important to sell at any price because for the first time ever they were clearly thinking of previous tasks. Nick says Ben closed the deal with the skeleton. Noorul says ‘no he didn’t, I did’. Nick says erm no you dickweed, you floundered about and Ben had to step in.

Sralan asks Debrabarr what the problem was and she says the division of items didn’t work, they should have divided them equally. Yasmina jumps in on her very quickly and says she’s making the same point over and over again and Debrabarr is just a vortex of negativity. Debrabarr says she sold the most and didn’t cause any rift in her group (Ben: ‘that’s cos I didn’t let you’). Nick says Ben was instrumental in the books. Debrabarr says ‘Nick, how can you say that? I sold it and Ben was just there’ and although SHE DID NOT just shout at Nick, she is actually completely in the right here. Ben flounders, because he knows he did fuck all, and ends up saying ‘are you disagreeing with Nick?’

Sralan tells her off for talking to Nick like he’s a second-class citizen, and really, she should totally know better than to react like that in the boardroom, but I can understand her frustration. However, making an enemy of Nick is never a good move, and this could come back to bite her in future weeks.

Sralan asks Ben who he’ll bring back. Ben says when you decide you look at how people have done over the whole competition. Sralan says ‘no you won’t, that’s my job, you pick on this task, you asswipe’. Ben says he’ll bring back Noorul and… Deke. Deke and Sralan are all ‘Deke? Read the room’ so Ben says ‘oh no no I was deliberating between Deke and Debra’. Debra says BRING IT LOSERBOY and Ben flimflams that he’ll bring Debra, he doesn’t know what James contributed. Sralan asks if he was bringing back Deke because a village was missing its idiot. In the end it’s Debra and Noorul. Noorul says ‘you’d better have good reasons for bringing me back’. Oh, Noorul.

Nick, Margaret and Sralan conflab and Nick says Ben’s lost his fighting spirit, and this from a man who got an offer from Sandhurst. Margaret: ‘he didn’t actually GO there, though, did he?’

Sralan says Ben looks like a defeated man. Ben says 'I CAN WIN', which is apparently this year’s MAKE ME PM and 'the man to my left doesn’t have any qualities'. Noorul tries to defend himself and the two of them shout over each other. Noorul says he was brought in because he had the balls to say the strategy was flawed because the others were shitting it in case speaking up puts them in the bottom three, which is the only insightful thing he’s said all series. Ben shouts that his strategy was fine. Debrabarr tries to argue and he shouts at her to shut up and LET ME FINISH. Debrabarr says ‘when you’re finished, will you let me know?’. Heh.

He moans at Debrabarr about being ‘corrosive’ and she says they should have divided the items up. He says ‘that’s got nothing to do with it’ (even though he had five items to flog at the last minute). They all bicker and Ben shouts and whinges that the other two shout too much. He says he brought Debrabarr back because she was rude about booksellers. Pot. Kettle. Debrabarr helpfully reminds him of this and he sniffles about how he didn’t and his MUM IS DEAD. Oh, wrong show.

Sralan asks Noorul why he shouldn’t be fired. Noorul says he sold three items (also: is it just me, or does Noorul look like a Halloween mask with those big dark circled hollow eyes of his?), and names the skeleton as one of these and the bike as another. Sralan says he sold the bike at a lower price than anything else. He says Ben is volatile and didn’t do anything, he’s rude, arrogant and doesn’t let anyone speak. This is usually the cure for Sralan to make some comment about how someone reminds him of his youth, so I’m not excited it’s going anywhere. Sralan says Ben talks down to so many people, he’s getting a rick in his neck looking up. Noorul thinks Ben should be fired.

Debrabarr thinks Ben should go for being an asswipe and Ben thinks Noorul should go because Sralan hates him and has had it in for him for weeks he’s sat on the fence throughout the competition. Noorul tries to defend himself and Ben goes ‘just let me finish (big huffy sigh), just let me finish’. Noorul tells him to speak properly and justify his reasons. Ben fails to do so.

Sralan asks why Ben shouldn’t be fired. He says I’m a good leader and I’m really really good at it and I CAN DO THIS. Noorul says Ben’s always on about his magazine deals. Ben says ‘that’s unfair, I say that erm, as a joke’. Sralan’s bladdy eyes go through his bladdy eyebrows.

Sralan is worried Ben is a broken man because of his age, which is not 24. Ben shakes his head. Sralan says Noorul is a bit lucky and other people have been outraged he hasn’t been brought into the boardroom when they were. Debrabarr, I can’t put up with someone with a mouth like yours, trust me love, you’re nothing special (but you could easily come in second). However, Noorul, to no-one’s surprise whatsoever, you’re fired. He tells Debrabarr never to shoot her mouth off like that again but fails to warn Ben for being a total cunt. He says whoever employs Noorul better get a receipt. That’s us isn’t it, from our taxes? Money back, NOW.

Coatwatch, boring and grey. How appropriate. (Although I’m secretly excited that it’s grey and not black). Noorul gives the usual ‘Sralan made the wrong choice’ spiel, but I don’t think he believes it.

Crackden apts. They are split over who should return, but ‘Cassandra’ thinks it’ll be Debrabarr in a shock firing. Ben and Debrabarr return. Deke tells Ben he gives it all mouth and then he crapped his pants. Beginning to love Deke, despite him clearly being a bit crap.

Next week: trade sales, which is always cause for much epic failery, although two sales tasks in two weeks is a little badly planned.

Working at the car wash (yeah)

Welcome back to another year of London porn, 110%, the best salespeople in Europe (after Jennifer Maguire of course), epic fails and, if rumours are to be believed, the return of our favourite ever task, shopping channel week, later in the series. Steven, Fiona, Joel and I (and possibly Carrie occasionally) will be here to recap it all for you week by week in all its 'glory'.

Every now and then we get asked how to play the drinking game - there are no hard and fast rules, but essentially any business cliche, London porn, mention of 110%, appeal to be project manager, eyeball roll from Margaret, pursed lips from Nick and so on are the things to watch out for. This week I'll give you some handy DRINK hints, but forgive us if we don't bother doing that after this time - we'd clearly end up with a blog that was impossible to read (and you'd end up without a liver, so be careful kids).

Opening voiceover: The job interview from hell, Britain's brightest business prospects (ahem) yadda yadda yadda.

And into the obligatory 'I'm great, me' VTs we go:

'Making money is better than sex' (Ben) 'I am outstanding, it's a given. I'm intelligent, articulate, eloquent' (Anita) 'Making money's more important than being popular' (Phil) 'I'm a winner. I'm a winner every single month that I do what I'm paid to do' (and by that token so are the rest of us, yay, we win, everyone) (Debra), 'I was born to do great things' (Majid), errr... 'I'm a rough, tough cream puff from New York'. Bless you Kimberly, but I don't think you've got the hang of this thing yet.

They'll fight it out for a 'top' job with a six figure salary (I half expected that to have been 'credit-crunched' this series).

'People say it's the taking part that counts. Rubbish, it's the winning that counts' (DRINK!)(Noorul). The others clearly didn't give good enough VT.

Here's Sralan, who started out selling car aerials from the back of a van (DRINK!) and here are some snazzy close up shots of his face iterspersed with a few choice boardroom Sralan moments from later in the series, although none of them are as memorable as those from previous series. Someone didn't sell, apparently. He now heads up a 'vast' business empire rather than an umpteen-hundred-million pound one, so clearly its value is depreciating... helicopters, London porn (DRINK) and Sralan saying 'first prize is working for me, second prize is a lucrative media career for a year, a few days of public adulation, lots of 'you woz robbed' headlines and more money than the winner will get, plus the bonus of not having to have the life drained out of you at NotAmstrad for a year or more'. Or rather that's what he should be saying. He actually says 'second prize doesn't exist'.

The voiceover calls them 'YOUNG business prospects'. They may be young, but are they 24? That's young, you know. The voiceover is all over the 16 candidates thing, which bags the question of whether this was recorded pre-contestant 16 jumping ship (he was on You're Fired. He seemed a bit of a twat. Some very strange men I know thought he was attractive).

NotFrances calls them into the boardroom where Sralan delivers the news that one of the men has 'bottled it' and 'you can't even blame me cos I've never met him'. They laugh nervously as he lectures them about being able to put up with pressure. He wants to find out if they're good with words as he knows the words to 'Candle in the Wind' but it don't make him Elton John, which I don't entirely get, and neither do they judging by the two people giving a vague nervous laugh in response. He then gets a slight dig at Helene Speight in by saying 'don't tell me you're a Global strategist, cos you're talking a load of balls'. He tells them he's as hard to play as a Stradivarius (which, no. Make me PM Sralan! I'm a good Jewish boy like you Sralan! I worked hard from the ground up Sralan! I made sure I kept showing the product in the advert Sralan!) whilst they are as easy to play as bongo drums (as a percussionist I reserve the right to huff a bit here). He's looking for a diamond and reminds them that a diamond started out as a piece of coal but then came good. So is he actually looking for a piece of coal then? Grubby, a bit useless and needs to be crushed? Actually, that's possibly fair, going on several previous winners.

Close ups on people's scary boardroom-blue coloured eyes as we get our first look at the contestants. My PVR is currently paused on the face of someone who looks nothing like anyone in the publicity shots. I'm guessing it's Yasmin but if so, it must be her on a bad, bad day, as her skin looks rough, her hair's a mess and she looks nothing like the fierce-Jennifer-Maguire-bitch-potential-esque person I imagined.

Sralan tells us he was never afraid to dirty his hands (DRINK) and their first task will involve them getting their hands dirty. They have to clean things - toilets, windows, anything. They have some vans with equipment, every time they take something from it, they'll be charged, and the team who makes the most profit wins. Got that, everyone? Good.

They have ten hours of hard graft ahead, which seems quite a lot of time to be cleaning, actually. James and Philip introduce themselves to each other, and this is the first instance in the episode of anyone being named (this series has got so lazy with its opening episodes since it moved to BBC One and assumed everyone was well-versed in the pre-publicity. I mean, most of us are, but that's no reason to get cocky about it). Some of the other men talk about their job and Noorul (who actually gets a name tag) shuts them all up by boasting that he's a teacher, he likes to stand out in his job (which is surely the point, I mean you don't want the kids thinking you're one of them. I teach students and occasionally get mistaken for one and it's embarrassing). In his best Manc accent he tells us he looks posh and talks posh, which: no. Also, way to go, Mr Choudhury, abandoning your class to appear on a reality show that you'll never even win (see also Beverly from that show with all the dead relatives and Westlife songs).

The third Appleton sister, working a nice shirt and waistcoat (Kate Walsh) tells us she's not a dumb blonde, she's a straight A student and that's why she should be the next apprentice. One thing in your favour: if a bladdy woman has to win, it's likely to be the pretty blonde. One thing against: the last pretty blonde woman to win did a bladdy runner.

Anita is the complete package (DRINK) and has the rainbow of skills, apparently. She's a lawyer that doesn't work as a lawyer. Debra, who looks like the bastard offspring of Sharon Horgan and a Moomin, says she doesn't think anyone's background will be a particular advantage. Anita sneers and turns her back.

We're told it's hard to start a business in the recession (DRINK, for I feel recession/credit-crunch relevance will be a recurring theme). They discuss what to clean and Jo Cameron mk2 (Paula) suggests 'people'.

They arrive at a warehouse that the men think looks like a mafia den. Poor Kimberly proves her inability to be on this show by being jolly and suggesting they call themselves Shazam. Bless. The others piss themselves and she looks quite hurt. Noorul suggests 'Carpe diem which is like seizing the day' in a clear attempt to prove he's of superior intellect to the others, which: that's the one bit of Latin every buuger in the world knows, and you pronounced it Carp-like-a-fish Deeyemm, so score one for the 'standards in our schools are slipping' brigade. [People on this show should really steer clear of Latin-inspired team names - I remember a team on the third season of the US version mispronouncing 'magna cum laude'. - Steve]

Philip suggests Empire, as it's distinctly British and reminds us of the greatest nation and of us once being a super-power, and I sure as hell hope he's not a secret BNP man. They settle on Empire anyway. [Let's hope future tasks involve setting up a record shop and a magazine. - Steve] The women want something strong and not stupid. They debate Genesis briefly, before settling on Ignite.

Time for the poisoned chalice of first PM of the series. The men fight about it, with both Philip and Howard (who runs ten pubs apparently) fighting for that. The women all pretend they have no business experience because they know exactly how dodgy being the first PM is. Mona leads the discussion and essentially talks herself into it. She says 'it's a cleaning task for god's sake so we've got to win'. This will not be the last time this series that sexist stereotypes are employed. The yellow pages are out, roles are allocated, Anita is put in charge of the women's spending, the music playing is full of doom. This may be important.

Howard tells the men to work our what they will spend as this will help them work out the profit. He sends them off in the dark and the next minute we see them in the sunlight. Eerie. They're going to wash cars but Howard suggests not taking on jobs that involve cleaning the interiors. Philip's VT. He gives a paltry 100%. Tut tut, Philip. The non-car wash men are going to clean shoes.

Mona pronounces her name 'Monna', much to the displeasure of everyone on the interweb, who all recall the great Craig McLachlan hit and now can't use it. The women are also cleaning cars but can't agree on how much to spend. Nick VTs something about getting a spanking in the boardroom. Ooh-err. Anita says they've used their budget wisely and have come within budget at £196-something. [And looks to Nick for approval - he's not your PM, dear. - Steve] The other women fear they've spent too much money. This may be important. Just a hunch, y'know.

The men pitch to a man to clean cars for £17 a unit. He tells them they can do it for £15 and they settle on £16. It's all pretty quick. He tells them they'll only pay for work they're happy with. James compares unravelling a hose to Sudoku. James says he's looking for a 'doer' on this task. The men start to lean a car before the doors are closed. With a jetwash. Oh.

The women negotiate to clean some of those fugly hummer limo things you get for stag and hen dos. They offer £300 and the business owner balks, saying their current supplier is way cheaper. Mona asks what their supplier does for them and he lists the works. I am dying for someone to offer a 24-hour hotline here, but sadly not. He says his current supplier charges £20 a car and the women are all 'THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE'. Mona tells him he's got his figure wrong. Good start.

The other half of the women's team, led by Debra, say they'll do the cars on the front for £80 all in and then pitch for the other ten in the showroom at £10 a time. No-one told them it was impossible to clean cars for under £20. They need to ask one of the car showroom staff how to work the pressure washer. Nick tuts (DRINK).

Mona's half are 'haggling', offering to do £60 per hummer. They come down to £45 and the men concede they can do it for £40 because of the telly cameras (I presume) and Mona says they;ll get a good job because they're women, not stinky men. To a couple of men. Oh, Mona.

At St Pancras station, and Howard, Maj and Noorul are cleaning shoes, which makes me think someone's been playing Animal Crossing: in the City and taking tips from that. Expect fortune tellers, forged paintings and pink hair makeovers later in the series if so.

With the car washing men, their client tells them off for washing the car with the doors open and disses their cleaning because the cars are, you know, not actually clean. Howard rings them to discover they're finishing off their first car. He sighs and decides to bring his half of the team over. Phil snarks that Howard won't be able to clean a car. In the cab Howard moans that he told them not to clean the outside. Maj says they can't lose to girls: 'I'm not a sexist but...', which is the equivalent of 'I'm not a racist but...'

One of the hummer limos drives away and it really is the ugliest car I've ever seen. Back with Debra's team, and they didn't do a fantastic job, with ace mad cleaning skillz as great as the men's. The man at the showroom points out there are five cars left and there isn't time. Debra's all 'we can do five in an hour easy' and he's like 'well it took you three hours to clean four so do the maths'. He then says 'it's great that you've done these' in the kind of patronising manner you use for praising a three year old whose big brown splodge on paper is meant to be you. It's even funnier because he looks about twelve.

Notalie Appleton phones the others and pretends their epic fail is a 'change of plan'. She has a ridiculous sidegob, almost worthy of Pirate Jessie.

The men regroup and that Western music they always use for stand-offs, which I'm sure one of the others will know the name of. Margaret VOs, Churchill-stylee that 'never have so few cars been washed by so many people in such a long time' and doubts their ability to break even.

Notalie begs a man for business and the other ladies accost people in the car park of a shopping centre (DRINK). Lorraine jumps in front of a car shouting 'stop' then says 'I'm not scary honest. Oh, clearly I am'. Heh.

Debra gets frustrated and phones Mona to moan about the other team members (DRINK). The teams regroup, London porn (DRINK), Philip VTs about how crap Howard is. It's only half an hour into the show. How long will this boardroom be? Mona VTs about how she's been a fantastic team leader.

NotFrances sends them through. Sralan jokes about Ignite setting the world alight and calls Mona 'Mono'. American Kimberly says she thinks Mona did a good job of keeping people under control, Kate snarks that she was crap and Mona was all 'so why didn't you make yourself PM, bitch?' Sralan jokes that Howard was the emperor for the day, and I will never get the image of the Empire Stores Catalogue out of my head when thinking of this team from now on. Phil bitches that shining shoes was rubbish and Ben backs him up.

Figures. Ignite took £35 and spent £196.45 = £160.55 profit. Empire took £347, spent £107.39 = profit of over £239. Empire win, Howard looks 'surprised'. He says 'relieved'. Sralan comes over all The Queen and says 'one's going to congratulate you on it'. They win cocktails.

The loser cafe looks slightly different, and in fact more prison like. Mona demands answers and the others are appalled, but Mona bitches that her half of the team did better than the others. She calls Debra on her bitchy phone call. Debra is all 'Anita is crap at cleaning cars'. The whole thing descends into shouting.

The men go back to the NEW! PENTHOUSE! LUXURY! house. Someone says it's 'so feng shui'. [Which: no. Be quiet, whoever you were. - Steve] Oh. There's a fishtank, which is rumoured to have one fish per contestant, which will dwindle during the series. There only look to be about two fish in it from the brief glimpse I get so maybe the others are all hiding. It's bright blue, though, like the boardroom. Nice touch.

Someone else feels like P Diddy and another one does the 'I'm the King of the World' schtick on the balcony. The cocktails are poured, jollity ensues. There's an impressive bit where one of the bartenders pours four different cocktails at once.

The women arrive back and start talking, and I hope for a moment we're going to get the first night of everyone hating each other stuff we got in series 1-3, but it's not to be, as 'the boardroom awaits'. I won't be impressed if the rest of the series is all twenty-plus minute long boardroom. I mean, the boardroom is great, but it doesn't need to be more than fifteen minutes max.

Debra says she knows Mona will take her to the boardroom and if she doesn't, it'll be a waste of a good suit.

In the boardroom Debra bitches about Mona being crap. Mona says 'we wasted time' in the most long-winded way possible but admits she's not right about everything, she's human, she's here to learn and at least she had the courage to be PM unlike this lot who are all mouth and no trousers. She says Anita was given the job of costing. Sralan points out they didn't have a 'budget', they had to spend as little as possible. Notalie says she can see this, Sralan's all 'why didn't you speak up then?'.

They bitch about who made what decision. Sralan says to Anita 'didn't it occur to you that the way to win was to spend less'. Anita looks dumbfounded at a leading question, so he tries again 'didn't you think to question it?' she flounders some more and says there was a team of strong individuals and she didn't want to be a strong individual as well. Sralan hasn't got a bladdy clue (DRINK).

Mona decides to bring Debra and Anita back. Debra says everyone on her sub-team a did great job and Mona says 'so why bitch about them on the phone to me then?'. Margaret calls them a complete shambles (DRINK).

Mona says Debra was a rubbish group leader, has failed her and has failed the task. She says Debra is dishonest. Debra says they lost because Mona didn't delegate early enough and they spent too much money. Mona says Debra's half of the team didn't sell as much. Sralan says he can understand why Mona thinks she's done better. Nick says the failing to win ten cars and £100 was a problem. Anita says she added up some sums, which was what she was asked to do. Sralan says 'you were elated at being in budget? What bladdy budget?'. Anita says with hindsight she can appreciate she should have done more. Sralan asks what she'll bring to his party. She says she's hungry for it (DRINK) and really really wants the job (DRINK) and doesn't think she was responsible for the failure. Debra says she worked hard and is different from people who want to remain under the radar. Mona says she made a profit and the people they worked with WOULD refer them unlike the other half of the team. Sralan says how do you know? The other two snark that they needed to plan. Nick points out they'd have won if Debra's half had cleaned the other ten cars. Debra gives Nick a bitchface, which will surely come back to haunt her.

Srals says Mona has shown spirit, but no business acumen, Anita saw the money flow out, Debra, at the end of the day (DRINK) is seriously responsible for a lot of the things that went out. His gut instinct is telling him something. Anita put herself forward as one of Britain's best business prospects but showed no initiative - Anita, you're fired. Sralan says Anita showed no business acumen. Nick sharpens his knives for future use and says Debra should count herself lucky.

Coat watch: stylish but boring black thing.

Back at the house, Notalie says they made more money, Phil says they made more profit, Ben businessclichés (DRINK) that 'turnover is vanity, profit is sanity'. Everyone whoops and cheers at the returnees, which I doubt will happen in future weeks. They all laugh and joke.

Anita is bitterly disappointed, and 'without appearing to have a chip on my shoulder I think Sralan doesn't like lawyers. Let's sit and see if in ten year's time he doesn't think that maybe I made the wrong decision'. Yes, let's see.

Next week: cookery task! Yay! And the men wear togas. Ummm.....