Sunday, 7 December 2014

Paper view

Week 9 – 3rd December 2014

Last week! Daniel having a really big grouse in the country! The GLORIOUS firing of James, the Dapper Laughs of the process who was always one step away from an apologetic Newsnight interview in a rollneck. Never mind though! It’s the specific items task! Oh I love this one. Mainly for its utter pointlessness. Eight left! That’s easy to recap. Thanks time.

We begin with the news and the binmen which heralds a “Life in London” montage. We even get a little look at Mark Wright having a nap. Cut to Roisin in her jammies complaining about being tired. Seems like Lordsir is on his way to the Apprenthouse to surprise everyone.  Felipe eats some toast whilst it dawns on Katie that the fewer of them there are, the more chance there is of being back in the boardroom. Wow. I didn’t know an understanding of the law of averages counted as BZSNZ SNS.  Oh! He’s here! Lordsir is at the house. He’s so short he can’t reach the knocker. Bless. Solomon answers the door in his pants. Lordsir doesn’t muck about. He doesn’t even say hello, he merely demands Solomon gets everyone and brings them to a specific room. Cue much pyjama awkwardness while he looks at his watch. Daniel’s room is a shit tip but he looks super adorable with his hair all ruffled so I’ll forgive him.

Lordsir wishes them a good morning and explains to them why they’re there. We all know. He’s “looking for a business partner” and part of that is about negotiation. He’s not going into bladdy business with someone who doesn’t bladdy have good negotiation skills. He’s asking them to get products for the best price. This will be a greatest hits finding stuff task, with famous things from over the last 10 years. Please let there be a kosher chicken disaster. As usual, the team that gets them for the lowest price wins. The other will lose at least one member. The task starts now! Don’t be late etc  etc.

First up, we’re still ignoring the fact that the internet exists and using the Yellow Pages. I’d love it if just once, someone broke ranks and ordered everything on Amazon Prime then won a billion points for ingenuity. Items include – Diamonds, A human skeleton, a KOSHER CHICKEN(!), Nigella Seeds and a Belfast Sink (which Filipe thinks will be easy HA). But before all that, who no earth will be the PM? Daniel puts himself forward for Tenacious D because he has close to a taxi driver knowledge knowledge of London. Mark Wright then says that he’s been living in London for two years so he knows it as well as Daniel. Seriously, this would be easier if they just compared penises. Why don’t they just do that? Eh? Katie then puts herself forward and says that it’s a task about being organised and that’s her. Daniel disagrees. It’s about knowing where to get stuff for cheaps in different areas. He then steamrollers Mark into backing him and Katie doesn’t stand a chance. Daniel interviews that this was his chance to show how he can get his team behind him. Katie also offers her support on the proviso that the boys stop arguing for long enough to get the job done. Daniel then goes on to say that perhaps he and Filipe need to build bridges and they’re going to work together whilst Katie leads the subteam of her and Mark.

Over with Sommat, Sanjay is putting himself forward because of London knowledge and organisational skills. Nobody else wants it so it’s his. He interviews that it’s about organisation and using time correctly. He believes that he can win the task. He also reveals that he doesn’t want another boardroom kicking.

So! They’ve got the Yellow Pages, A map and £1000 each to get the items. Sanjay’s strategy is to plan what they’re going to do before they leave and confirm everything is where it’s supposed to be before leaving. Sanjay reckons that an extra half an hour spent planning at the base will make everything easier. Roisin would really quite like to go and find the diamonds. Bianca suggests Hatton Garden. Roisin wants the outskirts rather than central London. This is why Roisin isn’t the project manager. Don’t do this Roisin, don’t go all soppy eyed and stupid at the prospect of shopping. EVERY SINGLE woman in the country implores you.

Tenacious D are employing a different strategy. Daniel is telling everyone what they have to get and splitting the money. He implores Mark to get the lowest price possible.  Katie chips in that she’s also capable. We know Katie, he knows. He’s just having a dig at Mark. You’re smarter than this, Katie. 10.30 and Tenacious D are off. Mark wastes no time bitching about Daniel badly wanting the PM job and hoping that he behaves himself and doesn’t destroy the team from the inside. Katie’s whine is that Daniel needs to get it out of his head that he’s salesman of the year and that he’s not actually better at selling than anyone else. Ok girls, I take both your points.  Meanwhile, Daniel is boring the tits off Filipe, who looks like he’d rather be anywhere than beside Daniel in a car. Daniel is Jewish so knows all about where to get a kosher chicken. It’s Golders Green. They’re going to get the cheapest one they can.  Daniel walks into a butchers and immediately gives the chat about how his family comes to the butcher and starts the haggling. He tries to get a £6-odd chicken for £4 and to everyone’s surprise, succeeds. Even Nick appears to be impressed. Daniel declares that they have it. I’m sure.

Sommat still haven’t left the base. Roisin is diamond shopping with all the enthusiasm of a female stereotype. Karren is annoyed because Bianca told her to go to Hatton Garden but Roisin is still trying to get a diamond from an independent jewellers who apparently ANY FULE NO don’t carry loose diamonds, that being the job of Diamond Dealers. The jeweller tells her to go to Hatton Garden. Bianca swallows an “I told you so” down so hard it actually looks painful and Karren wonders why Roisin isn’t listening to anyone.

Bianca manages to secure a Belfast sink from Declan.  Katie and Mark Wright find Declan first though, who has lots of Belfast sinks that he’s not selling for any less than £80. Katie and Mark confer and decide to offer him £75. He takes it and Mark gets him to promise that he won’t sell to the other team for less.

Sommat still haven’t left and Karren gives her watch a shady glance. Sanjay sends Bianca and Solomon off for the seeds, sink, skeleton and rope, while he and Roisin go off for the rest.  Bianca goes to see Declan for the sink. Declan has no loyalty so he tells her what the other team got theirs for. She goes lower and says £65. Declan is willing to do a rubbish sink for that price. Bianca gets him down to £60 before interviewing that that she thinks they spent too much time farting about but she used it to her advantage and got them the better deal. They move on to the skeletons, and then have an argument about how to pronounce anatomical. [I think antamological should be a real word.  I like it - Rad] They phone up a medical supply place and do it properly

Sanjay and Roisin take a different tack. They see a skeleton in a shop window and go in and ask to buy it. It has a name and everything so is obviously a member of the team. She offers to sell it to them for £5000. It’s obviously a “no”. Karren interviews that they seem to have gone from having a plan for everything to riding around spotting stuff in shop windows and perhaps this isn’t the best way of doing things.  Sanjay offers her £60 which isn’t even cost. DENIED.

Filipe and Daniel are in the car looking for a skeleton. He manages to find a paper one that isn’t built. Apparently this still meets the specification so they’re going to do it and it’s going to save them loads of money. Mark snarks that they seem to be thinking more than they have on previous tasks.  Cue a montage of buying things with varying degrees of success.  Bianca and Solomon have got everything they need bar the skeleton. They congratulate themselves. Katie and Mark also manage the Nigella seeds and old rope from a garden centre. [I like how no-one bats an eyelid about Nigella seeds this week unlike the year they were originally in this task. Also: that was the first time I discovered they were a foodstuff and tonight was the first time I also discovered they were something you could plant in a garden.  Because I am slow like that - Rad]

Felipe and Daniel are stuck in traffic so decide to walk there instead. They adorably hold hands to cross a busy street and I immediately decide to ship that shit.  They buy the paper skeleton. The shopkeeper warns him that it will take ages to put together. Filipe doesn’t care. All he’s bothered about is that it’s fully anatomical. Nick looks sceptical. Filipe can’t see a problem as regards the description and believes that he has not only won the task, but has proved he has every single thing it takes to be LordSirSugar’s business partner.  I’m sensing that this is quite an ominous edit regarding then skeleton but I’m keeping an open mind. HAHAHA. Daniel and Filipe check in with Katie and Mark Wright. Katie boasts about getting the Old Rope for free. Daniel thinks it’s unbelievable. Yes. It’s unbelievable that they’ve managed to get something that nobody wants for free. They reckon that they’ll come in under £100. Mark is wondering how much Daniel and Filipe have spent. They say £18. Mark is rightly sceptical because this seems to be cheap for a skeleton.  He probes further regarding the cheap skeleton. Daniel says it’s on them. It better be.

Back to Sanjay and his AWESOME PLANNING. Which seems to be mainly about him and Roisin driving around aimlessly looking for fish and chip shops and phoning fish shops.  Excellent.

Daniel and Filipe are in Hatton Garden, planning what seems to be the world’s most rubbish diamond heist. They have a code and everything. Oh Daniel, you’re such a tool. It’s why I like you so much. The story involves a fake wedding and some eyebrows. This is going to be good.  Roisin and Sanjay arrive not long afterwards without a story.  It all seems to be going very well until Daniel offers the man £150 for a £215 diamond.  The man is rightly horrified and suggests that Daniel might be taking the piss a bit. SURELY SOME MISTAKE. The arrogance of it all though. Oh the sexy, sexy arrogance.  They barter a bit and manage to get him down to £200. Roisin is having better luck and gets offered the diamond for £140. She actually purrs and says that she was hoping to get it for under £100, even as low as £65. Cut back to Daniel and he’s still going for £170 and he’s very respectful but he’s run out of money. The man gives him a final price of £175 and he explains Mazel Tov to him but Daniel jumps in very quickly with “I’M JEWISH!!1” and they have a deal at £172. Roisin is faring better because the man fancies her a bit. He says £75 final price, but she looks at him and gets him down to £65. He comes down but seeing that she’s having luck here, Roisin tries her luck on £50 and wins. MEN. Karren is impressed.  Apparently there’s charm and charm. Sanjay is impressed. We all are, dear.

Solomon and Bianca have decided that a chemist is the ideal place to try and buy a skeleton.  Solomon charges in and forgets how to say words. He wants a £200 price tag but the man seems fairly sure that it’s £260. He offers him a 10% discount and Solomon seems impressed by this. He then looks over the skeleton in a manner that suggests he knows what he’s doing when everyone knows he doesn’t. Bianca complains in her interview that Solomon is all chat and no trousers or some other mixed metaphor as we see her go in and negotiate a further discount whilst Solomon plays with the skeleton’s chin. She manages to get the guy down to £230 and that’s them done.

In 3 hours we’re back in the boardroom, and Sanjay and Roisin still haven’t got anything other than the diamond. Bianca phones them up to moan at them a bit but they’re more concerned about getting all the way over to Stratford to get some Oud Oil whilst the edit shows them to be on Brick Lane. Nice one, editors. [With all that London knowledge I declare you PM of the blog.  Such an honour - Rad] Sanjay hands over the scallops and the chicken to Bianca and Solomon. Bianca is unimpressed by this. Bianca and Solomon then have a little bitch in the car about how Sanjay isn’t as organised as he thinks he is and how he’s a little bit scared that they won’t be back in time. They’re in a pickle too. It’s generally a pickle.

Mark and Katie find a private seller of Oud Oil who lives in an opening scene from an episode of Casualty. They all seem a bit nervous. Katie remarks that it’s not the type of place she’s used to doing business. Mark thinks that she must be used to it being from THE NORTH. Fuck off, Mark. Nick Hewer looks awkward as he interviews that they’ve found an online seller of Oud oil and online means cheap due to lack of overheads. They look like they’re doing a crack deal, albeit one with a camera crew and an elderly gentleman taking notes on a clipboard about how well they’re doing the crack deal.  He offers them the price of £60. They try for £40, he goes to £55. Katie tries £49 but they settle on £50. Mark then offers £45 even though Katie has just offered £49. They finally come to an agreement at £48. That was exhausting.  Mark thinks they got it for the best price. He thinks that they could’ve gotten it cheaper and it’s all Katie’s fault. He hopes it doesn’t come down to, say, the price of two diffusers in the boardroom.

Over with Sanjay and Roisin, they’re buying Oud oil from a posh shop and that really doesn’t bode well. I’m right. He says its £300 on sale at £150 but he’s willing to do a deal. Sanjay was hoping for £60 but the man says he can’t do better than £100. Sanjay tries for £90 but no cigar. They settle on £100. This means that Sanjay’s team are now on 6 items. [I miss Dr Leah's OY-YOI-DOI OYD so much.  Why didn't they get her on YerFiyud this week?  For shame, Apprentice. - Rad]

Filipe and Daniel are buying the scallops and manage to get them for £19. They do a fishmonger’s fistbump and Daniel congratulates himself and Filipe a bit. They head back to the boardroom, as do Mark and Katie. Bianca and Solomon run through the streets as Sanjay wonders aloud if all chicken is kosher chicken. Bianca and Solomon get the tea then phone in to Sanjay who tells them to go back to the boardroom and leave the chicken and scallops to them.  Katie and Mark try to shorten their rope in the back of the car. Sanjay and Roisin are still trying to get scallops and suggest a price so low to a fishmonger that he actually laughs at them.  With 5 minutes left, Solomon suggests they try to get a kosher chicken as Sanjay and Roisin finalise the scallop deal.

Daniel congratulates Tenacious D on their efforts and he means it this time, which is just lovely. He’s being honest for once, everyone! Even Mark congratulates him on his efforts.  Mark boasts about tossing him a bone and you can hear the pride in Daniel’s voice. It’s all lovely, all this bonding. It’s making me teary.

Half six and team Tenacious D are the only ones on time. Sanjay realises he’s missed the deadline and does the sadface staring out of the window of the car thing. He interviews that he’s been a good, clear and decisive project manager today and Lordsir will be impressed by that but if it comes down to being late, he’ll stand by it. Bianca is of a slightly different opinion, in that if they fail, it’s because Sanjay is a big idiot who can’t even plan his way around London.  Cut back to Katie doing a “we’ve learned something about teamwork today” speech to her colleagues. Daniel interviews that today was about bringing people on board as business colleagues and not friends. Oh shut up Daniel. You wanted them to love you. We know.  Sommat arrive at some point and it’s finally boardroom time.

Lordsir Sugar comes in and wishes them a good evening.  He then goes on to explain that business is about negotiation then does a secret Cockney handshake with Daniel about discount, knockdown and haggling. Some have even suggested haggling with a vending machine. It’s all about the right price.

We begin Schrodinger’s project manager. Tenacious D are first. Daniel explains that he fought to be PM so he could show what he had learned in the process.  How did he do? Filipe thinks that Daniel has become a man. Aww, see? Told you. BONDING. Katie feels there’s a new leaf involved and he’s much more positive. Lordsir is surprised that they got everything and they got it on time.  Lordsir and Daniel do a secret Jewish handshake about the kosher chicken and getting a third off. Jeez, it’s all about playing up to stereotypes today, isn’t it? What did Katie do? Well, she got the Oud oil cheap and got the seeds and rope from the garden centre.  Lordsir then gets pernickety about the length of the free old rope. Oh man, he’s going to love the skeleton.  He really does love the idea of a skeleton made of paper. He likes it so much that he says it three times looking more and more like an angry ballsack each time. Daniel shakily argues that he didn’t specify that it shouldn’t be paper. He’s got a point, but Lordsir doesn’t see it that way and claims that they’re taking the piss. Filipe tries to explain that it’s a full sized anatomical skeleton. I think he’s got a point. Lordsir doesn’t and tells him he’s not in the courtroom now. Lordsir asks them if they thought they were being clever. Daniel says that’s exactly what he was doing but he calls it thinking outside the box. Mark Wright says that they did check it was an anatomically correct skeleton but Lordsir has had enough and he wants to move on. [If they'd built it, so it actually WAS full-size, then maybe - maybe - they would have gotten away with it.  Probably not though.  Sugarman only likes initiative if it's something he'd have thought of, not if it's something that makes hiim look daft.  Also, as we all know, he hates lawyers, so... - Rad]

Why the bladdy hell was Sanjay the PM of Sommat then? He blathers something about wanting to show his organisational skills. Lordsir then questions his logic about staying in the house for ages researching. Bianca said that being late gave them the advantage in the sink task and they got one for way cheaper than the other team. Lordsir moves on to diamonds. Roisin said that she found it hard to find a diamond merchant initially. Lordsir then says that ANY FULE NO about Hatton Garden and that time shouldn’t be wasted. Roisin claims that she thought that Hatton Garden was a retail place and that it would be expensive. Sanjay claims not to know about it but Karren says that Bianca was saying it from 9am and they didn’t manage to go there until 11.30am. Anyway, forget that. How much did they get the diamond for? Daniel’s face at Roisin’s £50 claim is worth my license fee alone. Lordsir says that jewel thieves normally wear masks. Sanjay says that it was like a heist. It wasn’t really, but never mind. On to the Oud. Sanjay goes through the bartering process. Lordsir then wonders why they were late. Sanjay says that he weighed up the fine for not getting the thing and the fine for being late and made a BZNZ DCSN. They didn’t get the kosher chicken because the only kosher butcher in London didn’t have one. So that’s double fine, but apart from that, what kind of PM was he? Solomon feels that he was a bit rushed and had to do a lot of the work. Bianca says that going into Stratford may have cost them. Sanjay is clearly hurt by this as he thinks they got on well and did well. OH WELL. NUMBERS.

Summat spent £483.97 on eight items. They didn’t get the chicken and they were late so that’s two fines, bringing them up to £644.97. Tenacious D spent £347.59 and they were fined for the rope being too long so that leaves them with £399.59. Lordsir then hops in and says he’s not happy with the skeleton situation so he wants another £310 on there which takes them to £709.59.

I’m not sure how I feel about this to be honest. I think they’ve done what they’re supposed to do and being fined for being a bit clever. Part of me thinks they should’ve realised that Lordsir Sugar hates anyone that rates intelligence highly but something tells me that if Lordsir had liked the team a bit better or had gotten out of bed on a different side this would’ve been seen  as the greatest business decision of all time.

Tenacious D are appalled anyway. Katie has a shitfit about not having worked this hard to be trounced like this. They claim that they worked really hard only to have it messed up by Daniel. Are we not going to mention that if they had been able to cut the rope like sensible people then they would have lost by a less significant margin? No? Just me. The winners are off to Silverstone. Lordsir is angry with the losers. They’re coming back in tomorrow. Awkward night in the Apprenthouse then.

Summat have a lovely time doing the wrong kind of Drag Race. Sanjay makes a joke about using his BZNZ money to buy a drag car. Yeah. That’s going to go down well.

With the losers, Mark Wright is the first to speak. He’s never been so angry through the whole process and let down and that one item has devastated them. Filipe is still claiming it’s in the rules. Mark Wright says that might be so, but they’ve rolled the dice on their lives without consulting them. Dramatic. He interviews that it’s both their faults as one of them should’ve realised that it was an atrocity. I think that’s stretching it a bit. Katie has never been so angry in her LIFE. They should’ve walked it and should they really be in the cafe? Daniel said they should because they’ve lost. Well done on ferociously burning down all those bridges you’ve been building, Daniel. She’s sick of hearing him today and forever.

Next morning and we’re back.  He congratulates them on getting everything and being on time but they’re still losers so ner. He cites the skeleton as being a major cock up and he wants to know the logic behind it. Daniel wastes no time on blaming everything on Felipe being a lawyer and saying that the paper skeleton matched the description. Lordsir then says that he asked for a skeleton and they didn’t bring him one. Technically they did, but who am I to argue. It’s only logic, after all. Lordsir then compares it to bringing eggs and flour to a party and saying you’ve brought a cake, which I suppose is fair enough really. Filipe said that he misinterpreted the rules. Katie, who has obviously calmed down LOADS since yesterday immediately bellows at him for trying to find a legal loophole and being a smartarse. Lordsir then says it’s more of a noose than a legal loophole and he’s talking to the judge, jury and executioner. It’s not a bladdy skeleton. Filipe then says that none of his teammates protested the paper skeleton. Lordsir then wonders if anyone knew that the skeleton was paper and what it looked like. He says he did. Mark and Katie claim he didn’t. Katie said that she asked whether it was an anatomical skeleton. Nick pipes in that would suggest they had doubts. They agree. Nick says that then maybe they should’ve said something. They can’t really say anything to that so Mark starts on about Daniel and Filipe being so sure about it. Daniel says that he backed Filipe’s decision but he thought it was the right one at the time. Nick calls him out on his weaselling when he was his wingman. Lordsir says that Daniel was beside Felipe the whole time. Daniel tries to flip this and give himself the ‘cheeky chancer sniffing out a deal’ edit but Lordsir Sugar doesn’t fall for it. It’s not a case of expertise. Daniel agrees and basically says that a big boy made him do it.

Lordsir then asks them to think about how they would’ve done if they’d taken the skeleton out the equation. For example, the rope and the fine they incurred for it being too long. Filipe says that he would’ve cut it with his teeth to win. Lordsir also says that if they’d done a better deal on the sink, they might not have been there. Mark says it was probably more to do with the diamond. Lordsir has had enough and wants to know about who’s coming back into the boardroom.

He’s bringing back Filipe for Skeleton Gate and Katie for not being able to cut a rope. Katie rightly points out that this was a 50/50 fault with her and Mark and says that she’s only being brought back for slagging him off in the cafe. Daniel says that everyone knows Mark is the one he hates so her logic is flawed. He then asks if he can bring all of them back but he can’t so he’s got to go with his first decision. Lordsir then wonders what happened to the new Daniel of yesterday. They do a secret Cockney handshake about Leyton Orient season tickets which only serves as a segue to a terrible joke about Daniel holding a season ticket to the boardroom. This is his 4th trip.

Everyone leaves and it’s time for the chat. Lordsir is still pissed off about the skeleton.  Nick says it may have been Filipe’s decision but Daniel was behind him and the others knew. Karren says that Katie is probably only there because Daniel wants to show he’s such a new man he’s not holding a grudge.

LORDSIR SUGAR WILL SEE THEM NOW.  Filipe should know what a skeleton was and decided that he should be clever. Filipe says he’s shown all the way through that he’s a business man as well as a lawyer.  Lordsir wonders when he has shown that. He says all the time. Lordsir says that for this task he’s missed attention to detail and has been a bit stupid. Filipe says that the last time he was PM he won even though his team were fighting so he must be well good at BZNZ. Katie said that she did most of the work on that task. On to Katie, she’s there because she’s the subteam leader and she cocked up on the rope. She reiterates that was a joint decision and Mark negotiated the tea and the sink so he should take the blame. Daniel seizes his chance and says if Mark did all that, what did she do. Really, Daniel? Katie got the Oud oil and that was the best one over on the other team. Daniel goes further down that road and says that the only other thing she did was the rope and that’s why she’s here.

We move back to Filipe. Filipe says that Daniel let him get away with the skeleton and he’s already been in the boardroom three times so of course he should be fired. Lordsir tries to use a football metaphor so Daniel can understand. Why should he back a player that’s missed four penalties? Well, because he’s willing to take them, is Daniel’s reply.  Lordsir is pleased to see that Daniel has grown as a person but it’s not about free therapy for the deluded, it’s about BZNZ and why should he stay? Daniel claims that he’s shown he can manage people. Lordsir then goes back to Katie’s REZOOMAY and quotes her line about not being a “stiff in a suit” and wants to know more about that. Katie says that when she first started she was intimidated by all the bankers and stuff but she’s outperformed people who do these roles for a living and if she can do that in 9 weeks, imagine what she can do as a business partner though.

So. The summary. Katie has shown common sense but that isn’t necessarily business partner material.  Felipe tried to prove tactical genius and failed.  Daniel has shown sprit and contrition but doesn’t know how many more chances he can give. It’s difficult but he’s making a decision that he might be sorry for. Katie gets another chance. Daniel is running out of warnings but he made an error in letting a clever boy talk him into being stupid. Filipe may have thought he was being clever but SUPREME COURT JUDGE LORD SIR SUGAR ALAN LORD is telling him it failed. Filipe is fired.

Lordsir then looks at Daniel and threatens him with a CRASH FIRING but he’s getting away with it on the basis that he’s learned something.

Filipe leaves in a lovely long black coat with a grey scarf. It’s not the end of him, and he’s shown that he’s capable of talking about himself in the third person. BYE THEN.  Back at the house, Mark is still shocked that he wasn’t brought in. Nobody is happy to see Daniel back again. Katie is upset that her record of never being in the bottom three is broken. Daniel wonders if it hasn’t made her a better person. She says she was fine as she was, thanks. [Loved that response - Rad]


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