Saturday, 31 March 2012

Splish Splash - Early Bath

Week 2 – 28th March 2012

Hello, and welcome to what is my first ever week as an Apprent-Bitcher, and to the second week of the idiot wrangling competition that is The Apprentice. Oh, let’s watch them squirm, shall we? I wonder if this will be the week where nobody is a humongous fool and everyone does the task like they’re supposed to, no stupid errors are made and everyone gets sent home with a bag of Pick and Mix (but not a BixMix sadly, which is harsh, because I’ve been craving one ALL DAY) [I feel shame. For a moment I wondered why you wanted to eat an X-Factor girl group. How can I have forgotten last series already? - Rad] and a pat on the head from Lord Alan Sir Sugar.

Who am I kidding? TO THE FOOLS!

We begin with everyone arriving in London as per, and everyone pretending to laugh at Lordalan’s joke about wanting a dog to be his friend. He’s such a curmudgeon, it’s hilarious. We see him berating the girls last week. We see the Assassin put her head in her hands as assassins do and Maria eyeliner open her mouth in the best display of mock surprise this side of an episode of any of the Top Model Franchise. We get some spoilerific clips from future tasks and then a recap of last week. The boys messed up but still came out victorious due to Biliyana being amazing whilst not really knowing where the shops are. Poor Biliyana. Even though she wasn’t the worst she thought she could get through by making sadfaces about her POVERTY BACKGROUND but she should have realised that this isn’t the X Factor four years ago [or The Apprentice two years ago. I don't think the "underprivileged background" thing will work again considering how things ended up with Stella... - Steve] and her pleas did nothing apart from getting her fired. Bye then!

Fifteen remain!

LondonPorn! Night version. Ooh, is that The Shard? The phone rings somewhere in the depths of the house, we’re told it’s 5.30am. Someone must have been having some Private Emotions as RickyMartin [you're going to fit in so well here, Helen - Steve] is waiting by the phone and grabs it with one tattooed arm to be told that the Sugar Lord wants them to meet him at the Victoria and Albert museum and the cars will be there in fifteen minutes. So he wants them at the V&A around 6.30am? Seems a bit unnecessary.

There’s lots of makeup and hair straightening going on. I often wonder where the coffee comes into this equation? I couldn’t do without it. Is it drunk in the cars? I MUST KNOW. RickyMartin tells the guys they’re going to Kensington in fifteen minutes. This is met mostly with bleary eyed confusion apart from Stephen and his Breathe Right (tm) strip who jumps out of bed shouting “Let’s do it!” I immediately hate him. [Co-signed. - Steve] Who is enthusiastic in the morning? I don’t trust those people. They’re like people with wine racks. Adam is still asleep face down on the bed. There’s a gratuitous shot of the boys in their underwear but let’s cut to the girls.

The girls are already ready. They’re just putting down the finishing touches. A faceless lady wants to beat the boys. Jade thinks they’re just being arrogant and acting like they’re at school and they need to be brought down a peg or two. To be fair, they’re on a 100% record so far. They’ve a right to gloat a bit.

The cars arrive in formation for the unnecessarily early meeting at the V&A museum. Michael thinks that the boys are better than the girls because they are more knitted as a team. Well, something is full of wool, etc. Laura thinks the boys think that they’re all this, what “this” is is left undefined, but Laura thinks that they shouldn’t think it anyway. As far as she’s concerned it’s game on.

The V&A museum showcases the best in British design, which is undoubtedly some quite heavy FORESHADOWING. We see the Sug with his tiny, tiny limbs ascend an ornate staircase to greet the contestants from a balcony like he’s fupping Evita or something. He wishes them a good morning. They chime a good morning back in unison like good little schoolchildren. The Sugarnator does the Evita hand movements and everything whilst telling them the museum was set up over 150 years ago to be a source of inspiration for British designers and manufacturers, including Tom, no doubt. What these business monkeys have to do is design a new gadget for the house. Any room they choose, he’s not that bothered. He doesn’t care, because house stuff is for BLADDY WOMEN. He tells them that this task will be all about the concept because if that’s not right, everything else is a waste of time if the product ‘sucks’. Too much time on Twitter there, LordSir. They have to design the product, get a prototype made and pitch it to major retailers. The team that sells the most amount of products wins; the other will contain the one that’s getting fired. They all thank him and he tells Argentina not to cry for him.

So, the voiceover man will now handily explain what we’ve just seen. The teams have two days to think up, design and sell a new gadget. If they get it right then they’ve got a piece of the lucrative homeware market.

To the project manager bunfight! I love how they all want to be PM in the first half then dodge it in the second. Sigh. Jane has experience of bringing projects to market and pitching to retailers and the Blonde Assassin tells us it’s right up her alley but offers no further explanation. If she’s an assassin, surely she can just kill Jane? (I can’t promise I won’t stop the assassination jokes, sorry in advance). Katie the assassin actually has qualities beyond the ability to heartlessly take the life of another though, she’s a product developer for a supermarket so she’s just as good as Jane for this, honest. Jane looks forlorn. Everyone else looks at the camera because they want Jane to do it and they don’t want to be assassinated. Jane spouts some business babble that’s frankly too boring to transcribe then interviews that although she’s a team player, she likes to be a team leader rather than a follower. This skill is given a visual aid to back it up - she shushes someone and tells them to wait her turn. She continues that her son calls her a bossy boots so that totally qualifies her. The blonde assassin sits and gives her evils as she attempts to herd the business cats. Presumably, she’s going in for the kill later.

Over on team Big Balls, Azhar throws his hat into the ring, because this is what he does. Being a refrigeration entrepreneur qualifies you for this allegedly. There are no arguments from the boys. Sigh. Azhar interviews that ‘people’ call him the Killer Whale of the sea world (eh?) [Maybe he said of the C-word. Would make more sense - Rad] because he’s intelligent, polite and nice on one hand but he’s aggressive and committed in the business world. That’s right, because Orca’s are known for their manners. Azhar asks for suggestions and RickyMartin decides to bang in with the idea that there is more scope if they design a kitchen item. Everyone quickly agrees. This leads to a lame voiceover pun about cooking up ideas. Much do better.

Back to team The girls. Jane is insisting that their idea should solve a problem. Maria looks bored. They begin by brainstorming bathtime. Jane asks for ideas and is met with a room full of blank faces. Laura helpfully points out that they’re struggling, which helps. Karren furrows her brow whilst Jane’s team tell her that they’ll go with her idea. Ooh, group thinking to get yourselves a sacrificial lamb... I like it.

Over on the boys team, led by Free Willy, Duane insists that everything is about recycling now and could they not do something to do with that because he always forgets. Duane wants a rubbish compressor that fits in a cupboard. RickyMartin and Tom who has barely figured until now both nod furiously whilst Nick does a NickFace. Duane looks happy his idea is the one, and why shouldn’t he? LudAlan has already told us it’s all about the product so if this goes well, he’s home and dry. Duane thinks that this is a product for anyone that cooks food. Wow! That’s nearly everyone. Well done Duane. He’d use it and he’s pleased that it’s modern and fashionable. Cue lots of high fiving from TeamTosterone.

Tomorrow, the teams will be showing their products to retailers, but no time for that now! It’s time for tiny sample pointless market research which is usually totally ignored. YAY! Boys first, they are in a fancy kitchen shop where a disinterested woman is showing them some bins. Shop lady confirms that there is in fact nothing that compacts waste so she thinks it’s a good idea. As is asking one woman in one shop a question and calling it market research. Back in the boycar, Adam is concerned that the product is complicated and crushing waste is an industrial thing. Tom sticks his bottom lip out to show he’s not sure. But why are they not sure about the good idea that has such sound market research? What’s this?! Adam has an idea! He wants to put scouring pads on rubber gloves to make washing up easier. [If I can act as the market research person here, I love cleaning, and even I think that sounds like an idiotic idea. - Steve] RickyMartin is revealed to be the third person in the car who tries his best to look interested in this. Oh boys, Duane had a good idea, please stop this pissing contest, it will get you nowhere. Tom thinks it’s a good idea and RickyMartin suggests pitching it. They phone up the other half of the team on the Apprentiphone and tell them how clever they are. Duane shakes his head at the mere thought of there being any other ideas in existence. Azhar tells him to pitch it to the focus group. Ah, some slightly more fact based market research coming up.

The slagging off of Duane’s idea continues in the back of the boycar. Adam says he’s never thought of a time when he hasn’t known what to do with all his veg waste and that’s not something that happens in real life. Tom and RickyMartin think that this is HILARIOUS.

Meanwhile, the girls haven’t even left the V&A. Jane just keeps saying that the idea is the main thing. That’s helping. Laura pipes up that she has a problem with her little boy when he’s in the bath. He can’t stop splashing. She wants to put a colourful splash screen on the bath and wants to sell pens with it so they can decorate it. That’s a good idea! And the colours can be washable...oh. The blonde assassin can’t let anyone else have the idea so she suggests a tap cosy so that you can sit at the tap end of the bath or put your feet up. At this point I notice that one of the ideas on the board is “Phone and remote holder”. Clearly these ladies have never bought a Sunday paper. [Also, none of these are gadgets. - Steve] Jenna points out that taps come in lots of different sizes, which is a fair point. She’s ignored and this causes Karren to attempt a NickFace. Laura is confident in her idea though. Jenna makes her point again and the blonde assassin gives her a look that indicates that she is well and truly on her hit list.

Gabrielle, Jane, Jenna and Maria are sitting in the car. Maria does that thing where she gives advice that is blatantly obvious so it looks like she’s done something if it all goes tits up. She says something along the lines of “the idea has to be something that people want, not what we think they’d want or because we think it’s a good idea”. Jenna all but does an eyeroll at her. I like Jenna a bit.

Jade, Katie and Laura are off to see five mothers and their offspring for some ‘Market Research’ at a mother and toddler group. Laura does her splash guard first and calls her four year old mental. One of the mothers rightly says it might be harder to get your child out and that splashing is fun, no? Hells yes, splashing is fun. Some notes are made on a clipboard and we swiftly move on. Jade then introduces the idea of something to stop taps being hard, sticky out and made of metal. The mothers seem to like it. Jade finds this interesting.

Maria is sent out of the street to ask people what they think about the products. We are told that she is the YOUNGEST TEAMMATE and goes on about people underestimating her because she’s ONLY TWENTY. [Except she seems twenty in the same way AmeliaLily seemed sixteen... - Rad] I personally underestimate her because it looks like she’s used a crayon to paint on her eyeliner. There is apparently nothing that she can’t do and she will have five restaurants by the time she’s 25. Jane thinks they’re on to a winner with the tap cosy. The blonde assassin says that it’s been amazing. Jane is happy that her market research is the same and they decide that the tap cosy is a goer. Laura is happy that everyone is on the same page whilst Jade scribbles some Tap Cosy designs in the back of the car. She’s not sure about the name but the name is strong AND clever and it should look like a cosy. Eh?

Boy time! The boys go into an East London catering college for their ‘Market Research’. They’re pitching the glove and the compacting bin. Someone with very East London hair talks about how annoying it is to have food waste. In your FACE, Adam. Adam is going with his gloves though, which is met with disinterest, distain and amusement as far as the faces go, but they are quite positive in what they say apart from one bloke who says he’d rather buy a sponge. Adam thanks him then decides that it was completely unanimous for the glove idea. That’s not what I just saw, but hey.

We are told that there is two hours until the designs have to be finalised and we’re back in the girls’ car. Jenna is still banging on at Jane that it’s going to be difficult to make a universal Tap Cosy because bath taps all vary so widely. Jane makes a face that can only be described as my babysitting face. The one where you stare into middle distance and try to ignore the noise. Jane thinks that they may be overcomplicating things. Jenna then turns into Lauren Socha and bangs on about the bath screen so much that Maria falls asleep. Jane bows to pressure and thinks that the Tap Cosy may not be as viable as she thought. She then decides that as PM she should at least pretend to have a go at Maria for sleeping so she very meekly asks her if she has any ideas. Maria just says that she’s “FINKING”.

Half the boys arrive at the designer. Fortunately, this isn’t the team with Adam and his glove on it. Azhar wants to put a filter on it to stop the odour. Duane likes this. Team Adam are still stuck on the glove and are trying to think of a name for it which will no doubt end up sounding a bit rude. Magic Hands! There we are! It’s only at this point that it becomes apparent that Nick is in the car, sitting in the front with his hair and doing nothing. What’s he been up to all day is anyone’s guess. RickyMartin thinks that the real challenge will be selling the idea to the other half of the team because they’ve already made their mind up to go with the product that isn’t ridiculous. Tom is elected to make the call but it’s Adam that’s going to sell the product. It’s too late though, because they’re already there. In your FACE AGAIN, ADAM!

4.30PM and the girls are with someone with fabulous hair who is called Kelly Hoppen. It’s the half of the team that spoke to the mums and haven’t been ground down by Kelly off Misfits the speaker of truth. They’re going with the Tap Cosy and are talking pebble colours. Laura wants to make it luxurious and Kelly Hoppen thinks that this is really clever. The other half of the team are with the actual designer and Helen is confused. Karren handily sums up that they are going back and forth between two products and Jenna seems to be championing the splashguard and has her ‘own way’. The blonde assassin rings Jane to tell her about the ideas that Kelly Hoppen gave them for the Tap Cosy and Jane breaks the news that they’re not doing it because of reasons. Mainly that it wasn’t going to work. The blonde assassin explains that their pointless market research will be even more pointless if they ignore it and asks if there is room for negotiation. Jane is at the point of exasperation and tells them no and asks them if they prefer Splish Splash or Kids Splash. They like Kids so they go for Splish. The blonde assassin thinks Jane has made the wrong decision and her work has been ignored.

By 9pm, the boys are talking design with each other around the Eco Press. (That’s what it’s called now) Duane asks team Magic hands if they understand it and asks if they’re ok. RickyMartin says he’s felt redundant today and his work has been ignored. Poor the RickyMartin. Azhar says it doesn’t matter because at the end of the day they’ve got a good product. Azhar is disappointed team Magic Glove aren’t on board with the idea. RickyMartin says something about his feelings and then tells everyone they need to focus. Oh boys.

It’s 8am. Arty shot of the spiral staircase, followed by RickyMartin telling everyone over his Weetabix that he’s going to smash it today. The prototypes have been made overnight and Azhar takes delivery of his baby. Duane is rightly excited. It looks like a gigantic thermos flask. Azhar thinks the logo sells the product and it looks like an espresso machine. Everyone pretends that they all wanted it all along. Duane is proud of his idea and is standing by it. Adam grudgingly says he’s 100% behind it but he wouldn’t buy it.

The Splish Splash arrives. Jane Loves it and they immediately try it out on the Apprenti-bath. It’s tiny. It’s not going to stop any splashes but it’s a good toy that could possibly stop you from reaching your children if they are drowning. YAYGIRLS! There is immediately water all over the floor. Laura ignores this fact and shouts about how amazing it is, as does Gabrielle and they all think they are going to win. There’s no WAY they’re not going to win. We’ll see.

Glorious Londonporn! Today we’re pitching to retail giants of the homeware business. They’re so important, one of them has an iPad. First of all, Jane’s team are going to meet the UK’s biggest online retailer. I know that porn sells Splish Splash, but not the kind we’ve got here. Gabrielle and Jenna fine tune the figures in the car. Fine tuning as in saying that the more they buy, the cheaper they will be. That’s some fine fine tuning there. Jenna suggests offering a price if they want to buy a million.

Jane leads the presentation and explains to Amazon what a Splish Splash is. Not only is it a good buy, it’s solving a problem and fun for kids. The bods at Amazon have a look at it and make slightly bemused faces. Jane sticks something in about knowing how many customers they have. She offers them ONE MILLION SPLISH SPLASHES and Karren pulls a face. Amazon don’t want a million. She then offers them five hundred thousand of the buggers and tells them that they’ll get a 225% profit margin on them. Riiight. She goes down to a hundred thousand and tells them that that will give them a 185% profit margin. Karren does a brilliant “Bitch Please” face and the Amazon men shift uncomfortably in their chairs. They are rightly suspicious about the numbers and asks if they’re really sure that those are the numbers because they don’t add up. Jane just looks wide eyed then passes it over to her “financial team” who scribble on the back of their ring binders. Jenna just says the same thing again. The blonde assassin tells them off for trying to sell a million bits of plastic and says that they were laughing at them. Well, they weren’t laughing with you ladies.

The Boys off to Amazon next. Stephen and Azhar will be doing the pitch and Duane is told that he’s not allowed to answer any questions to avoid everyone jumping in. Nick gives this idea the contempt it deserves. Duane rightly questions this logic and points out to Azhar the folly of this. They ignore him. Only 72% of people cook at home? That can’t be right. Stephen demonstrates how the bin works with a bit of lettuce and a banana skin. He tells Amazon men that food can smell when left around and nobody likes to have undesirable smells when they’re watching telly. Nick facepalms with a pen, probably because he’s in company and needs to be subtle, but it’s there. You plunge down your rubbish and so on. Amazon men ask what’s different about their bin and Duane sits up like he’s back at school ready to answer whilst Stephen can only mumble about it being a good question and does some babbling about the market. Duane breaks rank and answers because he’s the only one that knows what the bloody thing is and everyone else still wants the self flagellation glove. He says that he would love to recycle more at home and recycling is in now and he often forgets to do it himself and having a shiny bin around would help him remember. When they get out, Duane thinks it went well and Nick interviews that it was utter nonsense that Duane was forbidden to speak as the inventor and he was the one that was going to be enthusiastic and that Amazon men liked it probably.

Back in the car, the girls have another chance to do their sums. Jenna gives the other half of the team simplified figures, but they order the toss and Maria does her first thing today that isn’t falling asleep and shouts at them that they just need to impress with the product. The girls are off to Lakeland. Laura lets them touch the Splish Splash and tells them that it’s practical and fun. Lakeland man has a little touch. The RRP is £17.99(!). They ask what the mark up is and Jenna starts spouting about doubling their money but the blonde assassin jumps in with some actual figures and everyone looks relieved. IPad Lakeland man wants to know what’s stopping kids from taking the crayons and decorating the bath. Laura is rightly flummoxed by that one. Stopping one problem to create another. *Double thumbs up*

The boys are back at Lakeland, but there’s already a compost bin in the shop. Whoops! The boys have realised their mistake and Duane is now the one answering questions. Nick is pleased. Duane explains that he could use it to pop his food waste into as he’s cooking. Stephen doesn’t blink and tells them that it’s fashionable and chic. The Lakeland men are inscrutable.

Orders will be totted up tonight and results tomorrow. Duane wants to go to the pub. So do I.

Everyone leaves the house in the morning to go and see Lord SugaSugaSuga. Maria is wearing purple again today. Pointy shoes seem to be the order of the day for the boys.

There are some worried faces when each team clocks the other’s product. Alan wishes them a good afternoon then has a look over at the boards. He starts with the ladies. The team agree that they were all happy with Jane apart from the blonde assassin who says nothing. Jane explained that Laura came up with an idea as a mother which is probably her first mistake. She explains the Splish Splash and it’s passed to Lord Alan. Lord Alan thinks it’s a toy but Jane unconvincingly tells him that it’s a portable product. The Sugarlord asks if there were any other ideas. The blonde assassin tell him that they all wanted the Tap Cosy and that’s what everyone wanted anyway but they ignored it. Jane puts forward her argument that taps are all different which is probably a valid one but Alan asks her what the point is of doing pointless market research if they’re going to ignore it. Jane can’t answer this without mocking the entire concept of the Apprentice so she wisely keeps her mouth shut. Jade’s smirking though. She knows.

Alan then goes on to ask about the pitches. Jane explains who took the lead where. He asks how Jane did at Amazon. He asked about companies and numbers. Jane tells him that she offered Amazon ONE MILLION Splish Splashes. Alan hasn’t heard of this kind of gigantic order before.

Over to the boys, Adam is still sore that his special glove didn’t get a look in and slags off Azhar’s management skills. Duane says that he wasn’t supported as a Project manager, but he didn’t make decisions when needed. The sub team then go on about how left out they were when their scrub-a-glove wasn’t picked and that they didn’t feel like part of the team. Azhar patiently explains that they were a sub team and went off to do their job. Lordalan’s had enough of the bladdy talking and asks for a look at the bin. He handles it like it’s toxic and wants it all explained. Azhar explains that it’s a composter and Lordalan thinks that it looks like something for nuclear waste, then bemoans its size and says that it’s a bin for vegetarian dwarves. Lordalan asks everyone if they like it. OF COURSE Adam doesn’t, he wanted his glove and tells Alan all about it. Alan wants to know why they didn’t use it and Azhar said that the market research was already done. That was the market research where you asked one woman in one shop? BOKAY. Nick asks the sub team if they felt like country cousins who weren’t invited to the party. I hope this means he’s asking if they kissed. Tom tells daddy Alan that they felt neglected after their hard day’s work. OH TOM, YOUR POOR FEELINGS. Lordalan asks them if this means that there was a lack of team culture and this becomes totally what they meant. Lordalan thinks that this isn’t a good thing that a PM doesn’t listen to the team and tells the girls that he’s sure that they know that. Eh? Where did that come from? That’s ridiculous seeing as the sub team were just as grumpy on the girl’s side.

Numbers! Karren was cringing in the ‘major online retailer’ pitch but they still put in a 7,500 order anyway. They bought 3,000 compost bins. Lakeland didn’t like the Splish Splash so no orders, but they loved the bin and have bought ten thousand.

VICTORY THE BOYS! Suddenly everyone wants to touch Azhar and they’re all off to the Ivy for dinner in a private room. The girls get – doom. Maria gives Jane a dirty look whilst Lordalan berates the girls for losing two weeks in a row.

Over at the Ivy, all differences are forgotten as the boys backslap each other and toast their massive balls. It’s all about the product and Duane gets lots of credit. Azhar thinks that everyone won because the right people were in the right places. RickyMartin doesn’t rate him though because his feelings are hurt. L

In the Loser's Cafe, Maria is gutted. She wants to take over and they’re all sad that someone has to go. Jane thinks Katie should get it because she did nothing but bitch. Katie illustrates this point by bitching about all the things other people did wrong because THAT’S WHAT ASSASSINS DO.

Back in the board room, Lordalan reminds them that it was all about the product and their product was rubbish and they misread what they were supposed to do. I’ve scrolled back and I’m pretty sure the only thing they were asked to do was to invent something for the home and they’ve done that, so I don’t know what the bloody hell it is that he wants. Laura explains that they were bashing out bathroom ideas and it started about splashing and grew from there. Jane explains that it’s not a toy; it’s an entertainment centre, which I think is a bit like a tea person calling themselves a beverage consultant but we’re in the land of pointless exaggeration so I’ll let it slide. Lordalan wants to know who championed it. Jenna looks guilty, but Laura takes the rap because it’s her idea but nobody stopped her and she didn’t try too hard to push it forward. Karren rightly says that it’s about lack of ideas and maybe if they’d had more then they wouldn’t have been forced to go with the Splish Splash. The blonde assassin says that most of the team wanted the tap cosy but Jane has to tell her AGAIN that ALL TAPS ARE DIFFERENT. Lordalan is now bored. Jane used the Splish Splash because it works. Alan berates them for messing up the figures with Amazon. Jane puts them on to Gabrielle and Jenna. Jenna explains that she did everything that everyone else did and nobody took responsibility for figures so she did and she’s not even that good at them anyway. On to Lakeland, Laura graciously says that she gave it her damnedest and to be fair to her, she did.

Where Alan is at is that he has a bad product and bad financial modelling and he wants to know who’s responsible. Jane says it’s difficult but she’s going on contribution and she picks Maria who did nothing but whine and the Blonde Assassin who did nothing but think about how to kill people and bitch. Maria’s WHUT!? face is a joy. Come on, you’ve done nothing. She grasses her up for falling asleep. Katie argues that she did all she was told and Maria gets all mouthy about it and Jane tells her that she was asked to do the figures and refused. I don’t remember that bit. Then it all gets a bit shouty and Lordalan asks Jane if she’s sure that her decision is a rational one because she’s a BLADDY WOMAN with a womb and all that and she totally caves and replaces the blonde assassin with Jenna. Lordalan loses it a bit at this point and says that he can fire more than one of them if he wants to. I bet he won’t.

The three stay and the others go home. Lordalan is disappointed in the women and thinks that Jane seems to have it together and might have made a mistake thinking that the others could do anything. God, he really hasn’t watched this, has he? He’s still blaming Jenna for the figures and Karren can’t understand why someone would put themselves forward to the detriment of the team if they can’t do the thing. Karren says that Maria has lots of energy, which is what you say to the parent of a badly behaved child. Nick hits the nail on the head by saying that she’s just a bit shouty. Can someone mention the terrible eyeliner please? They’re called back in.

Lordalan gives them a look of pity. He wants to know why Jane brought these two back. She brought back Jenna basically because he told her to. Jenna then goes back into Lauren Socha mode and says that she contributed and worked very hard and that there’s people here that think they can get through it by shying away and that Katie was quick to point the finger but less quick to get involved. That must be her assassin ways. Lordalan asks Jane if it was a toss-up between Jenna and Katie, even though she’d already picked Katie then changed her mind, which kind of indicates that that was the case. Jane sticks to her story of bringing in Jenna because that’s what he wanted. He chose Maria because if she had to line everyone up by contribution she would be at the lower end of the scale and she didn’t pull her weight in this task. Maria responds to this by going in the huff. Go on! Defend yourself! Defend that eyeliner! I DARE you. Lordalan then asks who was sleeping. Maria says that that was her fault. Well, unless someone drugged or hypnotised you that tends to be the case. She says it’s ok because it was only for a few seconds. Jane says that she was discussing with everyone where they would go from where they were and she turned round and Maria was asleep. Maria denies this. Maria, it’s on this page. Have a look. She says that she wasn’t sleeping, she was thinking. So you weren’t asleep then? I’m confused.

Lordalan asks Jenna what her business is. Its hair, beauty and clothing all under one roof. I know that somewhere this is the slogan of a terrible regional advert. [And Toys R Us, if you disregard the first half. - Steve] Alan makes a hilarious pun about beauty turning ugly and she messed up the finances. Jenna says that she did it because nobody else did and she doesn’t shy away from stuff. Lordalan asks if she thinks it would be unfair if she was fired. Does anyone ever say yes to that? Jane says that the only reason she’s here is because she was project manager. That’s kind of how it works. Jane says that nobody could say she did a bad job. Maria responds to this by saying that she creates aggression. Jenna and Jane disagrees. Maria changes her tune and says that Jane isn’t a bad project manager after all. Lordalan wants to know what Maria’s point is. So do I. Maria thinks that Jane should be fired despite being a project manager because she made the decision about the Splish Splash and Maria was asleep when the decision is being made.

Lordalan wants to know what Maria’s business is then answers his own question. He thinks that she should know about costs and margins and stuff. She agrees. Alan then wants to know why she didn’t speak up after the first pitch was messed up. Maria says that she didn’t want to get involved with the shouting because she was in a professional place. What’s the boardroom then, Shouty? Jane starts giving her speech about how good she is at business and Maria chips in that she is too. Lordalan stops her and says that she’s only digging a hole because if she was that good at business she wouldn’t be here after messing up the task and making a product that ‘Sucks’. Too much time on Twitter there, Alan. He tells her basically that she can’t go on about how she’s excellent at business then mess up as epically as she did. Jane says that she is really determined to win and she’s more upset that she lost than she was about her son crying on the telephone. Maria gives her the side eye at this. Presumably because she has no womb fruit to barter with. Lordalan has no doubt that she wants it and he wants to find the right person to invest in, but sob stories and bringing out the violin will get her NOWHERE. Jane admits to her mistakes but tells him she can’t do everything herself.

Lordalan can’t believe that all three have their own business and they all screwed up so monumentally and he has to decide who out of the three of them he can trust to run a business and they should have all known better. He asks Jane who should be fired. She says Maria. Lordalan is surprised that Jenna isn’t in the firing line. Jane thinks that Jenna should stay because at least she stepped up, whilst all Maria and The Blonde Assassin did all day was bitch. She’s got a point there. Jane and Maria then get into a “let me finish” battle which Lordalan does not have time for. Maria insists that when Jane was arguing with the Blonde Assassin she did something that Lordalan does not let her say.

Lordalan asks Jenna who should be fired. She agrees that it should be Maria on lack of overall contribution. Lordalan gives Maria a chance to save herself. She says the magic words about having her own business at 19 and hasn’t stopped working hard since [Is this our first 'I'm just like you Lord Suga' of the series? - Rad] and he should trust her to work hard for him. She begs for a chance to be Project Manager. [God, your liver would be fucked if you played the Apprentice drinking game tonight - Rad] Daddy Alan expresses his disappointment in all of them. He recaps that Jane runs her own business and shouldn’t have screwed up a tiny one.


He is unclear about what Maria actually did and she gets the finger of fired. She stomps out and Daddy Lordalan gives his very disappointed speech and threatens to fire another one. Jane gives her starting her business from nothing speech in the hope that she can appeal to his ego. She admits that delegating finance was a mistake and she imagined that they’d figure it out between the two of them, but she won’t be making that mistake again.

He doesn’t even want to look at them and lets them both know how disappointed he is again before sending them both back home. Cab for Maria! She’s going to carry on expanding her business and she’s going to have her five restaurants by the time she’s 25 and she doesn’t even need Lordalan’s money anyway. BYE THEN.

Back at the house, The blonde assassin thinks that Jane is for the off for boardroom tactics, then hugs her when she comes in. The two faced...! The cheer when Jenna walks through the door is markedly less enthusiastic. They say that Maria got offed for lack of contribution and Jane’s life has been reduced by two years.

Fourteen remain! Next week – New condiments! Burney Chutney! Something is a joke and someone gets fired. I can’t wait.


Scott Willison said...

What's wrong with wine racks?

Helen said...

My mother taught me that people who can have lots of wine in their house and don't drink it are never to be trusted.

Sooze said...

This is a true fact. Same goes for people with "drinks cabinets".

Anonymous said...

Are you going to do a recap of the third week?