Sunday, 5 April 2009

The Rocky Hors D'oeuvres Show

TX: 1st April 2009

We open as always with epic, sweeping London porn and Sralan's charming warning to his potential future employees that they'd better not make a bladdy mess of things. First prize is a job with him, second prize "don't exist". The English language sits in a corner and quietly weeps. 15 of the country's brightest business prospects have come to London - it would've been 16, but as we saw last week, Matey bottled it. They're here to compete for the usual six-figure salaried job - this is all as familiar as the line-up of prizes and judges on America's Next Top Model by this point, surely? I'm just going to skip ahead if nobody minds.

Last week: Sralan sent the candidates out to clean whatever took their fancy, and Mona didn't recognise a feather duster, while Anita didn't recognise a budget. The girls did not impress the car dealer whose autos they were cleaning poorly, and the boys won. Mona and DebraBarr clashed in the boardroom, but it was Upside Down Mouth Anita who was fired. Now 14 losers remain!

Crackden Apts, 7am. (Come on, that flat looks nice and everything, but just look at the area it's in whenever you see them leaving the building. It doesn't look good.) NotFrances calls, and Mona answers the phone - Sralan will be with them in 30 minutes. Philip frantically irons a shirt and proclaims that the boys are getting along nicely while the girls are still subject to some turmoil from their defeat. This, in case you're wondering, is what we in the recapping trade refer to as "foreshadowing". Kimberly says that they now know where their weaknesses are and how they can improve them, so they can come out fighting today. That's the spirit! I mean, she's probably wrong, but still.

Sralan arrives and drawls that he hopes they're enjoying the luxury penthouse that he's got them - the type, he claims, that city slickers like to hang out in. Yeah, not any more, I shouldn't think. Today's task is about supplying a service to people who work in the city, who are hungry for business, but also? For food. That segue was as smooth as sandpaper. They will set up a catering service to serve both a lunchtime service, and an evening reception for up to 50 people. The teams will remain the same, but Nick will follow the boys and Margaret will follow the girls. The team who returns to the boardroom with the most profit will win, and a member of the losing team will be bladdy fired.

The London porn blends into establishing footage of the "hungry city workers", who we know to be important business types because they are doing things like crossing the road while talking on a mobile phone and wearing a power suit. Personally I think they missed a trick here by not having a shot of a former City banker lying in a shop doorway with a crude cardboard sign saying "will short-sell for food", but I guess that's not really the image they want to present. Anyway, the food provision is for tomorrow, but today they must decide what sort of food they will offer, and who will be PM.

Over at Empire, James (who looks uncannily like Deke from Professor Layton and the Curious Village, and will thus be referred to as Deke by me until he gets fired, and possibly also thereafter) asks if anyone has catering experience. Rocky, owner of a sandwich chain in the north-east, puts himself forward to be PM. He confessionalises that he has 15 outlets across the north-east and employs 150 people. Ben (who looks like the Absorbaloff from Doctor Who with that tiny face on that unnaturally wide head, but I'll stick to calling him "Ben" because it's shorter) thinks Rocky is the man for the job, and Rocky thinks the obvious option here is sandwiches. Meanwhile at Ignite, Yasmina has volunteered to be PM, but DebraBarr wants to check on her credentials, so Yasmina explains that she is a restaurant owner and this therefore second nature to her.

Yasmina VTs that the most important thing when managing a team is to cut the crap (and then spread said crap between two slices of white, but I'm getting ahead of myself) - sure enough, we see her chastising Kimberly for having the nerve to apologise for interrupting rather than just butting right in. Kimberly pulls a face, as well she might. Yasmina says that her employees may describe her as rude, brash, or "a little blunt". Or something that rhymes with that last one, anyway. She explains that they need to aim for a 70% gross profit, because that's how you succeed in the catering industry. She suggests a nice broad theme such as Mediterranean that will give them lots of leeway. "Pasta!" suggests Kate Walsh (who will be referred to as Dr Addison Montgomery from here onwards, for what I hope are obvious reasons) [Sorry, I have no idea who that is - Rad]. Yasmina clarifies that she was thinking more along the lines of "beautiful flatbreads" (and you'll see why I put this in quotation marks once they actually start cooking), and Dr Addison Montgomery worries that this sounds expensive. Yasmina assures her that it's basically a piece of bread, a piece of cheese, a slice of tomato on top and maybe a basil leaf. I hope you're writing this down, folks, because you need never worry again about what to serve at your future cocktail parties!

Empire: Ben suggests Best of British as a theme, but Majid thinks people will want something a bit different. Philip thinks it should be London-themed, which leads Majid to ask what the biggest thing coming to London is, expecting (and getting) the answer of "the Olympics". So, several years after it was announced that London would be hosting the games, and several years before London will actually be hosting the games, this is what passes for topical catering, is it? Noorul suggests they could do food from "different parts of the world" and the motion is carried.

10.45am, and the teams go out to get pitches for lunchtime orders. Dr Addison Montgomery pitches her Mediterranean, "good quality, wholesome food" menu while Lorraine and DebraBarr are still unpacking their pens and notebooks (professional!), while Philip, Majid and Ben pitch the boys' team's "Olympic lunch", which earns a furrowed brow from the lady they are pitching to, presumably as a result of wondering why on earth she should care. Philip explains the sandwiches will cover a "five continent range" - ploughman's for England (presumably representing for the entirety of Europe there, nice work), chicken tikka "for your Asia" - it's good for what Asia! - peanut butter for America, and so on. The woman asks if they have any experience, and Philip says that they are a "fledgling company". This doesn't bode well.

Back at the penthouse, Rocky is managing the brand, suggesting they should go dressed in "Olympic stuff". Howard looks very excited at the prospect of Rocky in a singlet. Deke likes the idea, but thinks it should still be "sharp". Rocky assures him it will be, but it will just have a "funny twist". My sides are splitting already.

Rocky goes to what looks like the same fancy-dress place Gok went to in the Comic Relief apprentice to get togas and statues and whatnot. Howard is concerned that as a Friday night event, it may be black tie and they may not out of place. Rocky thinks it's good that they'll be giving people something to laugh about/at.

Ignite. The plan is for 400 wraps, to be called "Italian flatbreads", which Paula asserts will be easy to make "because there's naff all in them". Yasmina's plan is to go for cheap tuna "and the shittest chicken that we can get". Mona pulls a face. Paula suggests frozen, cooked breast chicken, which is very cheap.

At 2pm, the teams find out if they have any contracts for tomorrow - the girls have two contracts, one which involves 27 sandwiches and 10 salads, while the boys don't get any contracts, and Philip appears to cut the woman who calls to inform him of the decision off in mid-sentence, which is never acceptable under any circumstances. What a total fucking tit. Rocky's team appears to be at some kind of cash-and-carry warehouse at this point, by the way. Deke says that they just need to estimate, based on their "units per sandwich", how many they can sell tomorrow. Rocky thinks they can sell over 300, so they buy lots of bread.

The teams are guaranteed an evening event each, but have to pitch a menu to the clients that Sralan has provided for them. Yasmina calls Dr Addison Montgomery to dictate the menu - Dr Addison Montgomery asks her to divide the list into hot and cold, and Yasmina curtly informs her that this is what she was going to do all along. We hear Yasmina describing that tomato, basil and mozzarella is hot (at which Dr Addison Montgomery makes a "well, duh" face), but clarifies they should pitch it as "Italian tomatoes with mozzarella and fresh basil", and even does an exaggerated Italian accent for "mozzarella" which makes her sound like Luigi Risotto from The Simpsons.

Dr Addison Montgomery is in charge of pitching to the prestigious city accountancy firm that is to be their client, and tells them of their "wealth of experience", and how their "chief executive" has her own "restorount" (sic). If you don't mind, I'm just going to transcribe this bit verbatim:

DR ADDISON MONTGOMERY: For the hot canopies, we have tomato mozzarella.
CLIENT LADY: [unconvinced] That's unusual, hot tomato mozzarella.
DR ADDISON MONTGOMERY: [already beginning to fall apart] I'm...I'm guessing that it's grilled in some way?
DEBRABARR: Yeah, it'll be warm, basically.
DR ADDISON MONTGOMERY: I'm...I'm not the chef, so.
CLIENT LADY: You're representing the chef. [Triumphant flick of eyebrows.]
DR ADDISON MONTGOMERY: Okay. Um, tuna and basil oil. [Enormous pause.] Again, that's being served as a hot canopy.
[Agonising pause.]
DR ADDISON MONTGOMERY: The cold canopies...bruschetta, which is...always a favourite.
CLIENT LADY: [turning to Client Man in utter disbelief] Usually served hot, but never mind.
CLIENT MAN: So it's cold bruschetta?
CLIENT LADY: [at the same time] Just bruschetta?

Anyway, you get the point. Client Man says there isn't enough choice, and asks if they could also do blinis or something to that effect. "I've heard of blinis!" Dr Addison Montgomery brightens, clearly regaining the confidence of everyone in the room now that they're aware she is, in fact, vaguely aware of alternative varieties of finger food. She smugs that they will be able to provide them because of their aforementioned wealth of experience. "I don't know if that's hot or cold," she finishes, unwisely. Client Man is concerned (much like Lee McQueen), and unconvinced that she knows what she's doing - he agrees to the price, but with the proviso that it can be reduced if he's not happy with the quality of food and/or service.

On the way back in the FailCab, DebraBarr is not impressed. "We can regain it!" Lorraine insists. "Regain it my arse," counters DebraBarr. Dr Addison Montgomery thinks they should move forward and do the best they can. Lorraine points out that the money will decide who wins. DebraBarr points out that they may just have lost a bunch of money, which may cause them to lose.

The boys' client is a law firm based in the Gherkin. Howard calls an events company to get an idea of what to charge per head - he's quoted £50-£60, with £2,500 to deck the room out. He's impressed - he was expecting £15-£20 per head. Deke says that the parties they do at his work are usually £40 a go.

Rocky calls Philip and tells him to go no lower than £60 per head. Ben and Philip think it's too high, and Rocky suggests £3,000 for the package, saying they don't want to undersell themselves. Phil counters that they also don't want to look like dicks, though in his case the horse appears to have already bolted and the stablehand is still fumbling with the gate latch. Rocky points out that it is a big central London law firm and they're bound to negotiate down. They hang up; Majid thinks it's high but they'll have to work with it. "It's £10 a canape, nearly!" laments Ben.

Philip goes in to lead the negotiation. He suggests to their clients a sum of £65 per head, including a selection of canapes - two sweet, six savoury, plus the staff for the evening. Client Man (a different one, obviously) tells him he'll need to seriously rethink that, and Client Lady (likewise) politely points out that that's more the figure for a sit-down three-course dinner. Philip does some calculations on his mobile, and suggests £35. Client Man shakes his head. Philip exhales loudly, and suggests £17.50, which he thinks is "incredibly realistic". Client Man is still umimpressed. Philip says that they'll struggle to make it work at lower than £15 per head, and Client Lady says that's feasible.

Exiting the meeting, Philip grouses that it was "hideous", and blames Rocky for giving them the wrong instructions, while Majid whines that they looked like total prats. Philip shakes his head and plots how to present this to Sralan in the most passive-aggressive way he can.

Ignite are now in Asda, ignoring any requests for high quality food and buying low-cost frozen chicken, 72 tins of tuna, flour tortilla and suchlike. Yasmina picks up some cake which is 2 for £2, and then the ladies cluck that another product is "still too dear" at £2.99. Possibly because you're in a SUPERMARKET, ladies, when you need to be in a cash-and-carry like Empire were. Did you learn nothing from the pub grub task last year? They buy 72 tins of tuna chunks at 34p a pop (that's £24.48, in case you were wondering). Dr Addison Montgomery is concerned that, having lost the task on cost last time, that this time they've taken it too far the other way, and spent not very much money on cheap crap that will shame them.

Crackhouse Apts, and Empire reunite. Rocky explains the costume idea to the rest of the team, and Ben is not happy about it. Howard thinks it gives the whole evening structure. Philip thinks the entire thing is a farce, but naturally he's full of alternative suggestions of how they can improve things. Oh wait, my mistake. He says he's "trying to stay positive". Liar. The strum of failure takes us into a fade to black.

The next day, Ignire are preparing their food, and Yasmina insists that everyone call her "Chef". I'd say this was ludicrous, but what follows is actually quite a good idea - she delivers a rousing speech where she asks if anyone wants to lose and be in the boardroom tomorrow ("No, Chef!"), if they want to go back to Loser Café ("No, Chef!"), are they going to win? ("Yes, Chef!") The team seem quite well-motivated by this, and set to work. Drill Sergeant Yasmina shows them how to make very little go a long way. We get a small segment devoted to Lorraine's abortive attempts at making a mozzarella and tomato wrap. "Mark my words, there'll be complaints today," she says.

In Empire Kitchen, Rocky plans to sell 500 sandwiches and salads on the streets. Their Olympic theme encompasses the aforementioned chicken tikka sandwich, a ploughman's wrap, couscous salad (for Africa) [which just looked like a giant bowl of plain couscous. Scrummy!- Rad] and peanut butter (for the USA). Deke asks Majid if he thinks it'll work. Majid thinks it's different: "It's not every day someone comes to your office and says, 'd'you want a peanut butter sandwich, mate?'" Speak for yourself, Majid! Nick looks at his watch.

At Ignite Kitchen, Yasmina is determined they must be on time. Ignite load their sarnies into their van, as do Empire, and away everyone goes. Ignite's first delivery has a slight hitch - the person receiving it was expecting slightly more than one sandwich per person. Dr Addison Montgomery suggests putting some extra mozzarella on the plate, while Paula actually senses that what the client really wants is more sandwiches, and offers that. There's also a platter which appears to be 70% lettuce, and they're asked to do something to make it look more attractive. "It looks like you've dropped it, to be honest with you," the client tells them.

The sandwiches are delivered to a meeting - by the way, the client appears to be AXA if the writing on the meeting room walls is anything to go by - and the workers are a little discouraged by the lack of variation and overabundance of lettuce. Someone complains that there's no dressing on the salad, and someone else has a hair on hers. One person very sensibly decides not to have any lunch.

Rocky tries to sell sandwiches outside a McDonalds, plugging the "Michael Phelps Peanut Butter Sandwich" *facepalm* while Deke accosts passers-by elsewhere to ask if they've had their lunch yet while dressed as a boxer. Rocky sells some sandwiches, Deke appears to be less fortunate.

The other half of the team are on the South Bank, which is very sensible of them, because Tourists + Television Cameras surely = Profit, regardless of how crappy the food actually is. It probably also helps that they have the slightly more attractive members of the team, for the most part. They clean up (unlike last week).

Ignite go desk-to-desk with their remaining sandwiches. Someone is disappointed that there's not much in them, while a chap offers some "feedback" when his chicken wrap turns out to be devoid of chicken. Kimberly apologises and offers him a replacement, which he accepts, albeit somewhat grudgingly, and as Kimberly and DebraBarr leave, Kimberly calls back that they appreciate the feedback. Love her.

It's not 2.30pm, and Yasmina is making her cheap-ass canapes. She is making what she refers to as "bellinis", which, pronunciation issues notwithstanding, are not what you or I would recognise as a blini, but are in fact basically just really greasy-looking wraps [I thought they were large pancakes? Like pancake-day type pancakes - Rad]. CATERING FAIL. Lorraine is making what appears to be a slice of mozzarella and a small piece of tomato on a Hovis cracker, while Yasmina moves on to the bruschetta, which is a giant chunk of supermarket baguette covered in tomato slices. Margaret queries the wisdom of the sizing, and I whimper and hide behind a cushion, because I love bruschetta and I hate seeing its good name besmirched by this bunch of cowgirls. Yasmina is sure everyone will be too wankered to care what they're eating.

Empire make their Olympic canapes for their evening reception, to be held in the Gherkin. Nick VTs that there is a problem, because the firm will be expecting the very best, and are in fact getting cheese cubes on a cocktail stick, albeit with a bit of pickle to make it a ploughman's, I guess.

The remaining members of Empire decorate the room - Phil asks in a very loaded fashion whether they're planning to get rid of the hideous gold-effect tablecloths, which look like something that Jordan might use as a teatowel, and Deke (I think) says it's fine. Philip complains that it looks like a brothel. "I wouldn't know," Deke replies.

Phil complains in a VT. I know, I'm shocked.

The Client Man tells them to get a move on, because they have 35 minutes before the party starts, and he doesn't want people to be turning up while the room is still being prepared. Rocky clarifies the order of business: he and Philip will man the kitchen, Howard's on the bar, Deke is the timekeeper for the canapes, and presumably everyone else is a serving wench.

Ignire set up their own kitchen. Paula VTs that they've tried to keep costs down as much as possible, which she is theoretically supportive of as a concept, but she doesn't think the food is up to scratch. She's not wrong: it looks hideous. But, since the aim here is to make a quick profit once rather than build a sustainable longterm business model, I can sort of see what Yasmina's getting at, even if I'd rather lick the corns on Sralan's feet than actually eat any of Ignite's canapes. Paula says it looks like the food for a funeral at a working men's club. Hee. Yasmina says that once everything's gone in the oven, had a basil leaf put on top and some olive oil drizzled on it, it'll all be fine.

The boys' party starts at the gherkin, with "50 high-powered lawyers" in attendance. Client Man asks them to greet the guests as they arrive - and Deke, Ben, and Noorul emerge from their hiding places, wearing togas. Oh, it's so hideous. I'd do a screengrab for you, but honestly, I think if you didn't see it for yourself, you should count your blessings and move on. Majid comes into the kitchen wearing half a toga and some black loafers, and Philip can't control his mirth. The canapes seem to be a bit of salsa and perhaps some chorizo [it didn't look as swanky as chorizo, maybe it was Makro's own brand - Rad] on a Dorito. Classy! Nick interviews that the togas have not gone down very well, largely because the boys are too hairy and spotty. He adds that some of the older women have been appreciative, but the younger ones have found it a turn-off. Deke hands round champagne with a face like thunder.

Yasmina is running front of house at the accountancy firm, leaving Mona and Paula to run the kitchen. Mona rescues some canapes from the oven, saying "That's actually a burning smell." Paula's attempts at drizzling with olive oil are, shall we say, overenthusiastic. Mona and Paula basically end up laughing at the absurdity of it all, which I think is all you can really do. "If any of the clients don't like tomatoes, we are up shit creek," laughs Paula, though Mona points out in all seriousness that they will have to have 34p tuna and cucumber.

People eat the giant canapes that Yasmina prepared, though a lot of it falls on the floor. Dr Addison Montgomery whispers to camera that the bruschetta is the largest she's ever seen, though I am doubtful as to whether she has in fact seen bruschetta before, as this whole newfangled concept of "food" has seemed somewhat alien to her so far this episode. She cleans up some tomato spillage. Yasmina is confident that when she speaks to Client Man (whose name is Charles, apparently) later, she can apologise for the bruschetta and everything else will have been so good that he won't mind. She thinks her food is worth the £750 they agreed. She is insane.

In the Gherkin, Empire's food is about to go out. Chicken tikka vol-au-vents! Oh my days. Deke VTs that it's embarrassing walking around handing out "a crisp with a slice of sausage and a splash of ketchup". Hee. He thinks the theme hasn't worked. You reckon? The vol-au-vents appear to be cold, so Majid takes them back to the kitchen - and so does Ben. Client Man comes in to tell them that people are complaining of their hunger [heh, it's like playing Theme Patk - Rad]. Deke starts to freak.

As the guests discard their finger food amid the office shrubbery, Rocky's canape ploughman's goes out (a cube of sweaty-looking cheese, a miniscule chunk of red onion, and a small bob of pickle on a cocktail stick). Most people look like they would rather eat the crud from under their shoes than eat this abomination, though one woman admits to being so hungry she'll eat absolutely anything at this point, and takes one. It appears that people are eating the sticks of cheese as a sort of dare, though Ben returns to the kitchen and informs everyone that they're proving very popular.

At the accountancy reception, Yasmina's "blinis" go out, and people look at them in a deeply nonplussed fashion, as well they might. Client Lady, whose name may be "Sonja", but it's hard to tell, returns one to Yasmina establishing that it's "a sweet pancake with savoury food in it", in a contemptuous tone. Yasmina gurns, and returns to the kitchen.

Charles says that he would expect a blini to be about the size of a jam jar lid (I'd expect them to be even smaller, myself) with something hot on it. Sonja(?) says that the fillings of cold courgette and big chunks of tomato were unacceptable. She suspects people would discard them on the floor rather than eating them, mentioning "we've already had a health and safety risk over there." HA! Seriously, she says this with such a straight face, as well.

Finally the ordeal is over, and everyone packs up and goes home.

The next morning, everyone leaves Crackden Apts and heads for the boardroom. London porn. Yasmina VTs that she believes herself to be better than all the other girls, and she's sure Sralan thinks that too. Rocky thinks that if he gets past today, he believes it'll be him and Philip in the final two. NotFrances sends them all in.

Sralan enters, and asks who the team leaders were. He turns to Rocky first, and says that he understands Rocky runs 15 sandwich bars. "I own 15 sandwich retail units," Rocky corrects. Sralan asks if he was a good team leader. Philip thinks elements of it could've been managed a lot better; Howard thinks Rocky gave it a good shot. Sralan asks what happened with the brainstorm. Rocky says that the 2012 Olympics were suggested, and Nick clarifies that it was Majid's idea. Majid elaborates that he thought they could use 5 foods to illustrate 5 Olympic rings and 5 continents. Sralan wants to know what an Australian cheese sandwich looks like, and then asks about the evening theme. Noorul says that they went for a Greek theme, and some of the lads dressed in togas. Sralan scoffs, and the girls giggle.

Sralan turns to Yasmina, who the girls think was a good team leader. Yasmina says they chose their theme straightaway, and that the wraps packaged as Mediterranean flatbreads went down well. Margaret queries this, and at Sralan's questioning of whether she would've eaten it, quickly refutes the idea. Yasmina says that the customers liked it, and Margaret points out the man with the PETA-approved chicken wrap. "That was a bit of a shame," says Yasmina. "Unfortunately the girl that was in charge of the chicken wraps forgot to put chicken in a couple of the wraps. But she did well otherwise." "She managed to add a hair to one of the other salads, though, as compensation," Margaret asserts. "Yes," replies Yasmina, gulping down some water and suddenly looking rather nervous.

Time for the results: Margaret reports on Ignite, who spent £354.77, and had an agreed figure of £750 for their evening event, but the client was not entirely happy - he was pleased with their personal presentation and punctuality, but not with the food itself, so they only decided to pay £500, which brought their takings to a total of £1,006.20, with a profit of £651.43. Nick reports on Empire, who spent £821.37, and their agreed £750 for the evening event was halved, and their sales totalled £660.61, resulting in a loss of £160.76. "A loss?" repeats Sralan. "Unbelievable!"

He congratulates the ladies on a job well done despite the complaints. [If they'd lost him bladdy money, he'd have torn them to shreds for the lame-ass food, though - Rad] "They were incredibly efficient in the kitchen on the food production," says Margaret. Their reward is learning to play polo. Yasmina has always wanted to do that. They're off to Ascot Park, and they scamper out of the room delightedly. Dr Addison Montgomery actually tapdances out, or so it appears.

Rocky will be back with the rest of his team, and somebody will get fired. The boys are dismissed.

The girls play polo. Someone struggles to mount a horse. They appear to have a lot of fun despite some inadequacies. Yasmina congratulates everyone on a job well done and says they all worked really hard; they toast to their success.

London porn. The Crumbling Remains Of Loser Café. Rocky asks Howard about the costings for the evening reception. Howard asks why it was his responsibility. He VTs that it was poorly managed, and blames Rocky. Rocky says that having been on two tasks with Deke, he finds him hard to deal with. Deke VTs that he feels hurt at the implication that Rocky will take him into the boardroom. "I honestly feel like I did when my cat died," he sniffs. This is not The X Factor, Deke, your VOTE FOR ME MY CAT IS DEAD sob story holds no weight here. It all dissolves into a shouting match. Rocky VTs he's never been questioned in his business life before, but this has made him question his own thoughts.

Boardroom. Sralan enters, and asks Rocky what gives, given his professional credentials. He asks the others if they viewed Rocky as a convenient patsy for that reason. Deke disagrees, and Sralan tartly informs him that he expected him to say that, that it was unlikely they'd pipe up "yes, Sralan, that's exactly what we were up to", however true it may have been. Deke does not, however, read the room well and tells Sralan that he really wanted to win this task: "That other lot are out there right now riding around on horses, and I'm sitting here having to look at you," he grouses, before adding as an afterthought, "I don't mean that disrespectfully." He says that he thought Rocky was the best pick for PM. Philip says that while he had reservations about many thinks, he thought Rocky was a genius when it came to food preparation and team management. Sralan is unimpressed by the loss, and Rocky is embarrassed - he thinks the task was lost on the theme, and should've put his foot down and said no.

Deke counters that the theme was not the issue, that they lost on the pitches - that Philip did all the work while Ben and Majid sat there doing nothing. Majid says that they pitched as hard as they could. Ben snorts that Deke talks to much, while Deke counters that he's just "telling it like it is". Yeah, he's Coolio - he's so real that other people are afraid of him because he will show them up for the fakey fakers that they are! Ben asks what Deke brings to the table, "other than your big gob".

Sralan asks Deke about the line on his CV claiming that when he wakes up, he can "taste success in [his] spit". Eurgh. Deke says that it's just one of thoes feelings you get. "Did it taste of success this morning?" asks Nick. No, it did not, Deke admits.

Sralan has been looking at the figure breakdown, where £180 was spent on props and togas, leaving £640 on food - so even if they hadn't farted around with the theme, they were still spending nearly twice what the girls did on food before they even started - and asks who worked out the food costings. Rocky says that he put the list together and got Howard to research costings. Howard claims he got straight on the phone but could only get through to one person (hmm), who quoted £50-£60 per head. Nick says that Philip opened the batting at £60 and knocked the client for six. "I was embarrassed," spits Philip. Nick continues that the hilarious thing was that Philip was then negotiated (if that's the right word) down to £15 per head, and was still offering exactly the same package. Philip doesn't seem to realise how idiotic this makes him look. Rocky says he guessed what they could produce in the time that they had, and Sralan wants to know why his figures were so far off, given that Rocky does this sort of thing for a living [because he lives up North, apparently - Rad].

The talk turns to the £750 contract that was actually worth £375, a figure Sralan declares to be "more than generous". Nick explains that the complaints were that the standard and relevance of the food was all wrong, the presentation was poor, the theme and the outfits were tacky, and they didn't really run the event like they were asked to - Nick says that he watched Noorul wandering around with a tray, not offering food, people just wandering up and taking it. "Not at all," Noorul attempts to counter, but this won't wash - Nick says that he saw it because he was watching: "In fact, I made it my business to watch you for some time." Cree. Pee.

Time for Rocky to decide who comes back - Deke and Howard. Sralan excuses everyone else, but tells them that he's not happy with how this all turned out. Deke, for some reason, gets up to leave and Sralan goes "not you". Heh. Then Sralan sends the remaining three out to reception while he confers with Nick and Margaret.

Margaret thinks Rocky looks young at 21. Pfft, it's not like he's 24, though, is it? That's young! Sralan's wondering if the others had all pounced on him. Margaret thinks Rocky will learn, but she's not sure about Deke. Nick thinks Deke is a big mouth. Sralan wonders why Howard, who has ten pubs, has such a poor grasp of catering.

NotFrances sends the trio back into the boardroom. Sralan begins "Seconds out, round three: Rocky, you're well and truly on the ropes here." Bet he's never heard that one before. Sralan says that Deke looked hurt to have been brought back in. Of course he did, it reminded him of his cat, WHO IS DEAD. Deke is shocked at the prospect that Rocky considers him and Howard to be the two weak links, because he thought Rocky would've considered him to be the most valuable contributor. Deke, apparently, paid no attention to the conversation at Loser Café. Rocky says that Deke keeps out of the way of decision making, both on this task and the way before, and accuses him of flying under the radar. Deke wonders how that's even possible when he was running the evening event. Ah yes, that spectacularly successful evening event: nice line of defence, Deke. Deke turns to Rocky and starts going on about how this was out of his comfort zone, at which point Margaret reminds him that there are people on the other side of the table as well.

Sralan asks Deke why he deserves to stay. Deke says that he's a valuable employee, that Sralan hasn't seen enough of him to write him off. Sralan asks if he made any mistakes. Deke says that on a personal level, he should've kept his mouth shut. Sralan tells him to stop banging the table. Hee. Sralan says that he's not heard any reasonable explanation for him to stay. Deke says that there was nothing untoward in his actions over the previous two tasks. They were untoward! They were not toward! Sralan asks Deke who should be fired. Deke says he should just fire Howard and Rocky and have done with it.

The question is then turned on Howard - Howard says he worked hard, ran the bar, etc, and that Rocky is showing his immaturity by choosing the wrong people to be here.

Sralan turns to Rocky, who's never had a job before, because he ran his own business and before that trained with the Middlesborough youth team until he had to leave because of the arthritis in his knees. Rocky says that from the age of 16, he left school and worked hard - he's learnt from his mistakes and is more of a man now. He says that if he gets another chance to be a PM, he'll prove that this won't happen again. Sralan asks who should be fired, and Rocky says Deke. Sralan asks Howard, and Howard says Rocky, for choosing the wrong people to come back.

It's decision time, and Sralan has heard enough. Rocky stood up and took the job on, and everyone thought he was the right man for the job. Howard should've grasped the task better because of his pub-running experience, and Sralan thinks he should've been more supportive of Rocky. Deke could certainly "bunny off a scratch", whatever the hell that means (I've googled it and I'm still none the wiser), and Sralan is confused by his "rezhoomay", because he appears to be well-respected in the industry, so he can't be as much of a blowhard as he's made himself look over the past couple of days. However, Sralan is concerned by his ability to express himself well in business.

Sralan's concluded, however, that Rocky has made a series of immature mistakes, and thus he is fired. Rocky exits, and Sralan warns Deke and Howard that he will find out about them. Rocky goes to the cab. Coatwatch: dark and hulking, not unlike the sort of thing you'd expect a football manager to be wearing at the side of the pitch.

Sralan thinks Rocky was out of his depth. Nick agrees - in a few years, Rocky will be a star, but he's too young right now.

Back at Crackden Apts, Majid thinks Deke cracked under pressure, and expects Rocky to return. Ben thinks Deke brings nothing to the table. Howard returns to cheers, and Deke returns to delighted and surprised squeals, and gets hugged by Yasmina and Mona. Deke tells them all that Rocky shot himself in the foot. Howard does himself no favours by telling everyone that none of the three who were in the boardroom deserved to be fired, prompting Ben and Majid to ask, not unreasonably, who then should have been fired, and Howard doesn't want to say, but breaks it down by saying that one of the four guys who returned shouldn't be there and his BFF Rocky, whom he just totally threw under the bus, should. Whatever, Howard.

In his taxinterview, Rocky says he's feeling a little bit gutted, but he's going to take it on the chin, and the whole thing's made him more determined to succeed.

Next week: inventing a piece of home fitness equipment. Men and women work together! [Pitching to industry experts!!!111!!1 - Rad] Ben models the equipment while looking very camp. Howard tells Ben not to smack his own arse. Deke fails at skipping. DebraBarr shouts at someone. One team gets no orders! Someone is fired. How exciting!

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