Camping Carry On

Week 7- Wednesday 12^th June 2013

Hello! Welcome back. Last week Steve talked you through who was slightly less shit at doing team building days. I think we can all agree that everyone was utterly rubbish and the only winners were EvilAlex’ facial eyeliner and Neil Neckbeard’s already mahoosive ego, which were the only thing to save Leah’s farce of a team. Ultimately, Rebecca was fired for having ideas, which is nothing for a woman to have. HOW DARE YOU.

So, to BZNZ. It’s 6am at the Apprentice house. Neckbeard Neil answers the phone. I’m annoyed that his beard doesn’t cover his entire body but we can’t have everything. His hair is done and his glasses are on which belie his ‘just out of bed’ voice and space. Lord Sir Alan sugasugasuga wants them all to meet him in half an hour at the Tower Of London and they’ve to bring overnight bags. Ooh! Maybe he wants to take them all to a dirty weekend in a Travelodge? Neckbeard Neil relays this information through the medium of shouting.

In the girl’s bedroom, Luisa is wondering where on earth they could be going. She’s holding out for a Premier Inn. She’s no slag. Natalie doesn’t think they’re going abroad. In the boy’s bedroom, Jason hilariously packs a gigantic teddy bear whilst wearing some of the most adorable pyjamas this side of an Aquafresh advert. If this was a process to find the cutest contestant he’d be a shoo in. Jordan then watches the big boys shave whilst telling EvilAlex that it’s legal to kill a Welsh Man on a Thursday before 9am. EvilAlex is too busy trying to hide his white flabby chest with his non shaving hand to take any notice, but I’m sure Jordan will keep.

Because nobody on this programme ever learns anything, Francesca and Luisa sit in the back of the car and wonder what it could mean that they’re going to the tower of London. IT MEANS NOTHING. Luisa thinks that it means Tourism. Francesca thinks it might mean Diamonds, because that’s exactly the level of class that this show is about. Over in the other car, Neil Neckbeard continues the bullying of EvilAlex by telling him that he’s going in the dungeon. EvilAlex tells Neckbeard that he’s TOTALLY NOT FUNNY and that he doesn’t need his BULLSHIT today.

The cars arrive at The Tower of London where it’s all half light and gothic violins. Daddy arrives and welcomes them to the Tower which is one of the greatest tourist destinations in the world. It’s not just for forrins though, LordSugar is quick to point out, it’s also for natives and this is what the task is about. What? Xenophobia? No silly, it’s about holidays and leisure. More specifically, it’s about the Caravanning industry which is apparently worth six billion a year and ALAN TOTALLY WANTS IN ON THAT SHIT. Myles is not happy with this. They’re off to Birmingham to the Caravan show and they’re choosing stuff to sell including one high ticket item. Whoever sells the most, wins. Make no mistake though, this is a selling task and everyone has got to sell.  There will be no hiding. Neil gets sent over to Evolve to even things out.

So everyone is off to the caravan show tomorrow, and today they are choosing stuff to sell but first they’ve got to pick leaders. Endeavour discuss first. Myles isn’t passionate about caravans but he’ll give it a go if he has to. Kurt then puts himself forward because he once went on a caravan holiday and has experience of being inside a caravan. Then EvilAlex puts himself forward because he’s not been PM yet. Myles wonders if EvilAlex has caravan experience. He does not and therefore does not understand the mentality of a caravan buyer. Oh god, I wish I was making this up. Myles votes for Kurt and EvilAlex concedes. Kurt feels that it’s his chance to prove himself after taking lots of criticism.

Over at Evolve, Neil Neckbeard has already declared himself project manager and has decided that the task is all about picking the right product and selling lots of it. Oh shit, he’s going to win, isn’t he? Jason the Woobie then puts his metaphorical flag in the ground to front the sales team. There is no flagging in Neckbeard’s team as he’s shot down in flames and told that everyone is selling so there.  Karren thinks that the fact that it is a selling task may be difficult for some people, namely Jason, who seems to have spent most of his time peeling potatoes in a back room like some kind of public school educated house elf.

Everyone is off to Birmingham. Myles reiterates that he hates caravans whilst Jason confesses to never having been to Birmingham or in a caravan.  I think that that is because they are mainly poor people pursuits. HAHA! SORRY CARAVANERS. Neil Neckbeard gives him a look of DEATH.

EvilAlex and Kurt are faring a little better over in the Endeavour car, as they look at the caravans that are coming past them on the M6 and pretending that this is some kind of research. They note that the people tugging caravans along behind their cars are in their 50s and 60s and this is their market.

We arrive in Birmingham at 1pm. First up, half of Evolve, namely Jordan, Francesca and Luisa, begin to look at some potential items to sell, including a tent, a massage chair, a chair with a roof and a roof box boat. Jordan reckons that he would enjoy having a roof box boat. Francesca gives him the sideeye whilst pretending to play with her hair.

Half of Endeavour, namely Leah, Myles and Natalie, look at the same equipment. Leah goes on and on about how small a pot plant barbecue is and Myles doesn’t think that it’s worth £100. They look at the chair with the roof on it and like it. They also look at a boys camping kit and Myles comes over all “I’M NOT A SEXIST HONEST” by saying that his daughter would like it.  Leah doesn’t love it. Natalie is less impressed by the rooftop box boat, saying that plastic with oars and a tiny wheel isn’t exactly worth £600.  Who’d have thought that boats would be horrendously overpriced? They meet the boat man and Myles tells him that he is brilliant, much to Natalie’s annoyance whilst Leah just looks bored. Myles interviews that he’s used to talking to A-Listers and Royalty in his job so it’s going to be a piece of piss to schmooze a man with Lego hair selling a boat box. Schmooze he does whilst the girls smile unconvincingly. Myles turns it on for the roof chair man whilst Nick yawns behind his hand and interviews that he made him feel a bit sick.

Over with Evolve, Luisa is less convincing when talking to the inventor of the boys' camping kit. She says that it’s of Strong quality, calling it a box with Oomph. The inventor wants them to sell 40-50 a day. They can totes do that. She loves them and she knows that they love her box.  Endeavour meet the same lady and she firstly corrects them for calling it a toy and then has to explain to a confused Leah what things children like. Leah further provokes her ire by asking her what her rock bottom end of the day desperate price is and the adventure kit lady says that she doesn’t need no rock bottom end of the day price because her adventure kit is awesome. Leah does not take the hint.

4pm in Brum and we finally get a look at the caravan show. Kurt and EvilAlex are out to find a high end item. They observe again that people who like caravans are mainly old.  Kurt notices that even the traffic warden is a “coffin dodger”. Nice.  EvilAlex marvels at someone’s electric bike, which Kurt points out is actually a mobility scooter. They suss out what smaller items are selling well and note that the market is flooded with chairs. Meanwhile, Jason the Woobie and Neil Neckbeard are looking for their teams’ high end item. Jason approaches a bemused lady asking about motorbikes. Neil drags him away. Jason then walks over to a folding chair and asks Neil Neckbeard if he’s sat in it. Neil Neckbeard obviously hasn’t because he’s all BIZNIZ then interviews that Jason is a Big Girls Blouse and doesn’t think that they’re a good match. I agree, but for different reasons. Mainly because Jason is awesome and you are fawful. He then goes over to an electric bike stand, which is clearly different to a motorbike stand, and finds out that they’re only selling 5 or 6 a day. Jason is unsure about power assisted bikes, because who wants a bike that you don’t pedal? Luisa! That’s who! She, Jordan and Francesca are talking to the power assisted bike inventor lady who says that she sold 55 over six days, which tallies with what the other guy said. That’s FIVE OR SIX A DAY, GUYS. REMEMBER THIS. Francesca loves it, Jordan wants to buy ten. [Do they get up hills though?  That's surely the important question - Sheffield -based tellybitcher]

Over with the other team, they’re asking about price and Leah’s putting her foot in it again by asking what she can flog their product for at the end of the day. Nope, still £949. There is no room. Not even for a twofor. Myles thinks that there’s a good market for the bikes and Leah and Natalie, who clearly don’t have a clue what they’re doing, agree with a grimace. Natalie says she wants to sell five of them and make five grand. Oh Natalie, you have to buy them first.

Luisa calls Woobie and Neckbeard, who are totally my new favourite crime fighting duo and tells them what they think of the products. Luisa thinks that they can sell 15 bikes. Neil agrees. Oh dear. Luisa also likes the adventure boxes, and thinks they can sell 40-50. Neil asks Luisa to make the call. Jason still can’t see the appeal of the electric bike. Neckbeard doesn’t care what he thinks.

Over with Kurt and EvilAlex, they are speaking into the wrong end of a phone to their subteam who also like the electric bike and the box. I sense a problem here.  Can Myles’ soft soap be enough? No. Evolve get it. Who’s going to get the boxes? That’s also Evolve, because they understand adventure. Natalie can’t understand why they’ve done badly. Myles interviews that perhaps it’s the fact that Leah doesn’t really ‘do’ enthusiastic and Natalie kept trying to push the price of the bike down.  It’s however down to Myles to let Kurt and EvilAlex know that they couldn’t get the items that they wanted.  They’re understandably upset with their chair and boat box and EvilAlex wonders aloud how they could lose both of them whilst Nick tries not to laugh in the background. EvilAlex thinks it’s because they’ve lacked a strategy. Wait until he finds out that it’s all down to Leah’s grumpy face. [Can you imagine her being your doctor?  I don't know what area of medicine she worked in but I'm not sure she had the most comforting of bedside manners - Rad]

There’s still got to be a high priced product to be chosen. Neckbeard and the Woobie look at some mini caravans. The Woobie loves the tiny caravans and would like to move in. He’s gloriously adorable. They move on to some VW style retro caravans that cost £18k, but Neckbeard isn’t so sure that they’ll sell, despite the owner having sold six already.

EvilAlex and Kurt are desperate. EvilAlex can’t believe the money that goes on caravans. They look at a collapsible tent that fits in a trailer, giving a whole new meaning to Holiday Armadillo. They’ve already sold eleven to quite a mixed demographic, from age 35 up to people in their 60s. EvilAlex isn’t convinced, and thinks that people aren’t going to spend that amount of money on ‘a tent on wheels’. He’s got a point. Kurt pushes it, saying that it’s sold more than most of the other things that they’ve seen at the exhibition. EvilAlex still has a bad feeling. Neckbeard and the Woobie look at the same thing but only ask about numbers. Kurt and EvilAlex then look at the retro campervan and ask about ages again. You can tell that Kurt is keen and EvilAlex seems a bit more comfortable with this one. They’re going to go off and think about it.

Finally, Neckbeard and the Woobie have decided to phone their team and tell them that they like the holiday Armadillo tent on wheels because it’s sold the most. They like the VW but it doesn’t seem like their target market. The Woobie makes hissing noises at the phone. Luisa thinks it’s a no brainer. It’s the tent on wheels. Jason doesn’t seem pleased with this choice.

Its decision time for Kurt and EvilAlex. They aren’t convinced that the caravan loving oldies would want the hassle of folding up their tent every night. They also like the fact that the VW camper is fully customisable. Kurt thinks it’s more of a gamble but if they sell one Retro Camper they could win the whole thing.  Tomorrow is showtime!

The next morning, everyone leaves the Travelodge at 8am. EvilAlex wants to concentrate on the big ticket items. Kurt remembers that Myles sells to the richest people in the world and it might be useful to capitalise on that. EvilAlex isn’t so sure.  When they arrive, it’s time to set up the stalls. Luisa wonders whether helium is helium whilst Neckbeard barks at the rest of Evolve about their sales targets while Jason strokes his metaphorical chin. He instructs them to compete with each other. Thanks Boss! Over at Endeavour, Kurt wants to sell the campers and thinks that although EvilAlex was really good at agreeing with him yesterday, he’d rather Myles was on his team. EvilAlex does not like this idea because he’s got experience in selling bespoke stuff. Kurt reminds him that this was only over the internet. Alex’ leg twitches as he explains that he’s also talked to people on the phone. Kurt then explains that nobody wants to buy a campervan from what is essentially an evil child. EvilAlex doesn’t even think that that comes into it, bruv. Kurt wants to give themselves the best chance. Poor EvilAlex. He looks and interviews like a spurned lover about how he could’ve given everything to the team but now he’s stuck selling boat boxes and chairs with a roof. He’s bloody well talented and won’t have anyone talking ‘down at him’ (sic) just because he’s young. He says that that is the wrong attitude, in a barely concealed threatening manner.  Endeavour seem to be selling the chair well, though.

Over with Evolve, nobody wants an electric bike. A man kindly explains that most people want to ride a bike for exercise so there is very little point in a bike that pedals for you. Another man explains that you can buy a car for a grand. Karren thinks that the goods are too highly priced for passing trade. She seems to be right.

Back with Endeavour, EvilAlex manages to sell a roof box and Kurt is getting people interested in the campervans. Lots of people are geeking out over the Retro Campers but as Nick points out, people who like caravans are usually people who like a chat and it might be a good idea to separate your enthusiasts and customers. The fish that they thought they had on the hook was an enthusiast. Myles doesn’t hit him.

Meanwhile, Jason the Woobie seems to be going down very well for Evolve. He’s being very, very charming selling the Holiday Armadillo whilst Neckbeard is floating around like me at a school dance. Karren points out that Jason seems to be doing better, because this point really needs to be forced. He may be overly theatrical and overly since but the caravanners LOVE it, and so do I. I especially love that Neckbeard is being put in his place by the power of NICE. [Me too. - Rad] The oldies love Jason. One old lady practically pinches his cheek. YOU GO GIRL.

It’s now midday, and someone is actually buying an electric bike. I don’t know either. The adventure box is now a Den In A box and someone seems to have bought one of those, too. Luisa has sold them both. Jordan wants to know what her secret is because he needs the help. Her voice goes up an octave and she’s all “I don’t know, I just, like, sold them”. They call up and confess that they’ve only sold one of each and perhaps the initial figures might possibly have been unrealistic. YOU THINK?

Back with Endeavour, EvilAlex is forced into the worst role-play since “I’VE BEEN CRAVING A BIXMIX ALL DAY” by Natalie. It works though, and literally two people are drawn in. Natalie then gets a bit confused thinking that the chair in the boat is a table, because what you need in a five foot rowing boat is somewhere to eat your dinner. This results in EvilAlex interviewing that Natalie is a bit stupid because she knows nothing about boats.

Jason is closing a deal on the folding camper by being his bumbling self. Neckbeard confesses to having hurt pride, but the day isn’t over yet. A cheque is written. They’re not having as much luck with the retro camper over at the other side of the arena. Myles interviews that most people think that their kids would like it. Myles thinks that the issue is with the product and not the sales technique.  Of course you would. Kurt isn’t faring much better as his sales technique seems to be all about staring into middle distance and telling people how much other people love them. Nick finds this technique to be a bit lackadaisical.  Any more laid back and he’d be asleep inside it. Nick thinks that the no pressure technique is all well and good but this is a selling task and they only have a day. Quite right.

4pm and it’s the end of the day. Some more bikes are being sold and a teddy bear falls on Nick Hewer. Neckbeard finally sells a holiday armadillo and Leah actually manages to sell a boat box on the strength of it being both a boat and a box. As they’ve sold no campervans, Kurt comes up with the idea of using Leah as boybait. Myles rightly looks appalled at this suggestion, but not as appalled as Natalie looks at the boybait not being her. [So much for her being a righteous feminist the other week - Rad] With time ticking down, people look interested in the boatbox, the campervan and the holiday armadillo.  A campervan is sold at the last minute, as is the trailertent.  Totals will be revealed in the boardroom tomorrow.

Through the magic of television, tis tomorrow already. The teams are called in and Lord Sugar wishes them a good afternoon. Lordalan congratulates himself on making the task interesting. He starts with Endeavour. His first line of attack is wondering why EvilAlex has never been project manager. EvilAlex says that he wanted to be, but was trumped by Kurt because he went on holiday in a caravan once so therefore is an expert on all things caravan. Lordalan wonders if EvilAlex hasn’t been project manager because his team mates don’t trust him. Moving swiftly on, the subteam is questioned on their strategy. Myles explains that the strategy was all about showing love for the products whilst Leah pouts and flicks her hair in the background. Myles suggests that they failed to get the products that they wanted because Leah wasn’t very enthusiastic. Leah replies in the voice of an android on Mogadon that she was just as enthusiastic as everyone else. Lordalan is doubtful. Natalie has the sense to keep quiet as Myles continues his attack on Leah, stating that she said “of course I don’t have children” which made her look like a bit of a dick. I’m paraphrasing, but by the amount of chewing of the inside of her cheek that Natalie is doing, I think she agrees.  Lordalan says that it was clear that there wasn’t enough enthusiasm because they didn’t get the items that they wanted. Leah persists in saying that she was totally enthusiastic in a voice that says the total opposite. Natalie then blames Leah for pushing for a discount where there perhaps wasn’t room for one. Leah says she brought it up once despite knowing that she was being filmed pushing the point. Nick even has to point it out that the ven-DOR was getting annoyed. Over to the high ticket item, Lordalan wonders whether the retro campervan was perhaps a bit young for the elderly caravan market.  Kurt says that the man what gave him the caravans told him that they sold to people from age 35. Ludalan then wants to know how the teams were split. Kurt says he took Myles over to sell with him because he wanted an opportunity to prove himself.  Ludalan wonders if this was the best idea and asks EvilAlex what he thinks about the whole thing. OF COURSE EvilAlex isn’t happy. He’s spoken to people on the PHONE and EVERYTHING and he totally could have done a better job. Kurt plays the internet card again, but EvilAlex plays a ROYAL FAMILY card which of course trumps everything. He claims that he made plaques for the royal family. Ludalan wonders aloud whether he actually pitched to the actual Queen. He didn’t, but they were still expensive items. Ludalan is bored of this now and asks the rest of the team if Kurt gives good strategy. Myles says it will all be proven in the high ticket item competition.

Evolve’s turn. Luisa says that they were all given targets ad they failed to meet them.  Neckbeard then gets a chance to stick the knife in when asked about the high ticket item, saying he didn’t think the retro campervan fit the target market and based his decision to buy the holiday armadillo on average sales per day of three, and if he could make that, he’d win the task.  Ludalan then goes on to ask him about his decision to bring the Woobie along with him. He wonders whether the Woobie has ever been in a caravan. He of course hasn’t. He also confesses to having never been to Birmingham. Ldalan wonders if he did an impression of a caravan all day, following Neckbeard around. He says they worked as a team.

Numbers! Endeavour sold £1,479 worth of accessories but sold no campervan, even though Leah got close. Evolve, Karren is pleased to say, because she’s worried that Neckbeard seems not to have slept, that Evolve have won on accessories sales alone, totalling £3116. They also sold three holiday armadillos for a total of £30,499, giving them an overall sales figure of £33,615. Leah pouts, and Francesca holds the Woobie’s hand. They’re all off to the Velodrome in Manchester to meet Chris Hoy. Luisa jumps into Neckbeard’s arms outside, but it’s not over yet. Ludalan wants to see Jason again. He looks beautifully confused like only the stupendously posh can. Ludalan wants to say well done to him. He wants to keep impressing him. Ludalan tells the losers that the Woobie is clearly learning from the experience but they aren’t.

Just to prove how adorable he is, Jason almost immediately falls off the bike at the Velodrome. Jordan wins. Hurrah!

Over at the loser’s cafe, Myles is blaming the choice of high ticket item for the failure of the task. EvilAlex is quick to disagree; it was only one of the elements. EvilAlex thinks that the high ticket sales team was more about glory hunting than strategy. Natalie thinks that Kurt should be fired for not managing the team properly. EvilAlex points out that they were totally annihilated. Kurt just looks doomed. They all head back to the boardroom.  Ludalan levels with Kurt that it was a risk for him to go on the high ticket sales on the off chance that he sold something and could come back into the board room saying how great he was. Kurt thinks that the problem wasn’t with the sales technique, it was with the product. Karren rightly points out that they had all the sales information, so why didn’t they use it? He blames EvilAlex for not liking the holiday armadillo. Karren tells him that his gut is a liar and that even though Neckbeard loved the campervan, he went with the figures. Kurt understands this. Ludalan then moves on to EvilAlex who is looking particularly evil today. He says that even though they had ascertained that their market was 50+, they picked a product aimed at 35-45 year olds on a day where there’s nobody there. He takes that on board but says that the holiday armadillo had a kayak on top of it which doesn’t exactly scream pensioner. Karren reminds him that his personal opinion doesn’t mean jack. Ludalan agrees and points out that he might not have been so sad to have been dumped by Kurt after all. He definitely disagrees with this.

Ludalan then moves back to Kurt and asks him the same question, and also reminds him that his opinion doesn’t mean jack. Kurt doesn’t really have an answer so Ludalan suggests that he and Myles might be deficient in their sales skills. Miles is aghast at this suggestion and declares that he definitely does know how to close a high ticket sale.  Nick then points out that they wasted a lot of time by not sifting out the interested parties from the enthusiasts. Myles maintains that there were no buyers around that day. Ludalan points out that the other team managed to sell 33k worth of stuff and that it’s an absolute disgrace in week 7 that they only sold £1,500 worth of stuff. They clearly have said that they can do things that they can’t.  He reads Myles’ REZOOMAY back to him which says that he’s the Jedi Knight of sales. Myles has the audacity to agree but says that it’s the wrong product for the target market. EvilAlex disagrees saying that if that’s the case, then why did Leah nearly sell one? Nick then sets the cat amongst the pigeons by asking Leah if she knows why she was brought over. Leah thinks that it was because she’s a top seller. OH NO SWEETHEART. Nick tells her straight that she was “eye candy” and Kurt can’t do a bloody thing except say that he did it to balance the group out and that word might have popped out. Nick’s BITCH PLEASE face at this point is amazing. Natalie is obviously still sore from not being eye candy and asks whether it wouldn’t have made more sense to bring her across as the high ticket items were more her thing. Ludalan wonders where she got this from. She answers that she’s in recruitment. Ludalan and the entire nation wonder what this has got to do with the price of cocoa. She replies she’s a headhunter. Ludalan and the nation wonder why this means she’s better placed to sell the stuff that Myles sells all the time.  She’s not really allowed to answer but I’m sensing there isn’t an answer. He asks EvilAlex outright what the failure was. He thinks that it’s in the sales team because Leah came the closest to selling and she went over at the last minute.  Leah is asked her opinion. Leah thinks the product wasn’t perfect but she probably could’ve sold one given more time. Who is coming back into the boardroom though? Kurt decides that it’s EvilAlex for pushing the campervans and Natalie for “scaring away the bike lady”. Both strenuously deny that these things are the case. Natalie accuses Kurt of being tactical. Myles, sensing that this will help keep his head from the chopping block, says that it’s not a tactical move. Natalie says that she wasn’t even in charge of the bike lady. Kurt continues that she only sold £170 worth of chairs anyway. Kurt is happy with his decision. Myles and Leah go back to the house, the others are sent out.

In the boardroom discussions, Ludalan is a bit confused because Kurt is both saying that the product is rubbish and that he chose the product and isn’t really defending himself. Nick reckons that EvilAlex hid out in the accessories because he knew that there was trouble in the campervans. Karren is confused as to why Natalie thinks that she could’ve sold lots of them but Ludalan thinks that bringing her in might be tactical as Kurt knows she’s on her last chance. They go back in.

Ludalan starts with EvilAlex and wonders why he doesn’t think that he should be there. EvilAlex chooses this opportunity to tell Kurt exactly how butthurt he is that he was dumped after they spent such a lovely day together picking retro campervans. He then changes tack and says that it should’ve been him and Myles in charge of selling. Kurt replies that he just wanted a chance to prove he could sell. Ludalan points out rightly that he can’t. Kurt maintains that it was the right product, but the wrong day. Natalie tries to say something but Kurt overrules her with the fact that she only sold £170 worth of chairs, but Natalie zings back that Kurt didn’t sell anything at all.  Natalie says that she wouldn’t have let him choose the campervan if she was allowed out to play with him on day one, and that her interest in fashion means that she’s good at choosing lines. Kurt just keeps talking over her and saying things that he knows Ludalan won’t like, like she’s always saying stuff in hindsight. It’s a bit ugly, if I’m honest. Natalie continues by saying that she’s good at choosing things other people would like. Ludalan replies that she’s very full of herself for someone who hasn’t actually delivered anything yet. He moves on to her accusation that bringing her to the boardroom was a tactical move. She replies that everyone knows that she’s been told that if she’s back in the boardroom, she’s fired. She’s clearly fighting back tears at this point. Kurt gets all GRRR WOMEN AND THEIR EMOTIONS MAKING ME LOOK BAD UGH. Natalie says she’s not crying, she’s angry. Ludalan says that he should only bring people back that were rubbish in this task. Kurt then says that he didn’t bring back Myles because the only reason he didn’t sell was that the product wasn’t right and Natalie lost them the bikes.

Ludalan then moves on to Kurt and asks him why he should stay in the process. Kurt says that he took a gamble and that he couldn’t prove his selling skillz because he picked the wrong item. It’s pointed out that the picking of the item was also down to him. EvilAlex is asked why he should stay. He says that he’s the only one in the process that has set up his own company. His company sells tombstones, which tells you everything you need to know, really. He says he isn’t just there to go on about how great he is, even though Ludalan tells him that he seems to be doing a fine job of it. He’s not one to brag and he’s one to get the job done. Ludalan tells him that even though he’s performed fairly well he helped pick a rubbish product which is a fatal business mistake. Ludalan admires Kurt’s honesty and that he can admit that it was the wrong product. Ludalan is concerned that Natalie is here again. She can explain but he doesn’t want to hear it.

HOWEVER, Kurt has messed up the task and he’s fired. He looks relieved more than anything. Ludalan isn’t sure about investing in someone as young and reckless as EvilAlex and he’ll have to give it more thought. ANOTHER HOWEVER, it may have been tactical, but this is still Natalie’s third visit to the boardroom and she’s had plenty chances and still hasn’t proved herself so she’s FIRED TOO. She thanks Ludalan for the opportunity. EvilAlex is sent home to take on board Ludalan’s words. Natalie is crying outside and Alex gives her quite a sweet hug. She taxiterviews that she’s upset that she was brought in to the boardroom tactically, but she should have shone more. Kurt taxiterveiws that he took a risk and it didn’t pay off.

Back at the house, Luisa is loudly shouting that Kurt put himself in the wrong place. Everyone is happy to see Evil Alex back though. They all cheer, and Luisa takes another sip of wine like it was her plan all along. Sinister. Jason gives a toast to them all being high calibre candidates.

Next week! Online dating and advertising campaign! EvilAlex is the Christian Grey of the valleys! Neckbeard doesn’t know what’s going on! Join Rad to find out exactly what it is next week.

Something corporate

Week Six: 5th June 2013

Previously: DUBAI! And the always-great "source a bunch of items in a short amount of time" task. Zee swore he knew Dubai like the back of his hand, and while that may have been the case, he didn't seem overly familiar with the sort of things you can buy there, insisting that the "oud" they were looking for was a fragrance rather than, as it turned out, a musical instrument. Meanwhile, Dr Leah struggled with the accent barrier, while Jason, Jordan and Luisa were officially the most adorable (and surprisingly efficient) subteam ever as they wandered around a mall and basically treated the task as a mini-holiday. And still did better than pretty much everyone else. Myles scored his fifth successive win, and his first as PM, while Zee made the huge mistake of bringing Natalie and Leah back into the boardroom where they teamed up to eviscerate him and call him a sexist piece of trash, and he got fired. Oops.

It's 6am at Entrepreneur Estates. A towel-clad Jordan heads down the stairs to answering the phone, revealing a horrible tattoo on the side of his torso in the process. The disembodied voice of NotFrances instructs him that LordAlan would like to meet the candidates at Guildhall, and that the cars will be there in half an hour. I appreciate that this is very much a staple of the series, but since it's pretty much always half an hour between the phone ringing and the cars arriving, I wonder why anyone ever bothers to answer it. It's not like they need to know where they're actually going, is it? Alternatively, Lord Sugar could just tell them what time they need to be ready the night before and allow poor NotFrances to have a lie-in, rather than having to be in the office at 6am every third day to make an entirely unnecessary phone call.

This week's gratuitous shirtlessness comes courtesy of Myles and Neil, as Neil - ever the sportsman - frets that he's "played five, won three, lost two" and therefore he needs to step up to the plate, give it all he's got, sick as a parrot, and other vaguely sports-related phrases. In the women's chambers, Natalie tells Dr Leah that they have to win this task, because she can't afford to be in the boardroom again, while Rebecca says (to herself, as far as I can tell) that she doesn't think she's impressed on the last few tasks, and she needs to show what she's capable of now more than ever. Luisa tells...somebody that Rebecca's desperate to be PM, but "I still don't rate her". Well, I'm sure she's devastated.

In possibly the most hilariously overblown transition yet, choral music blares out as the teams approach Guildhall and enter a chapel, where they assemble while Nick and Karren stare ahead dispassionately. We cut from shots of nervous-looking candidates, to scary-looking statues, to the lit-entirely-from-behind entrance of LordAlan, with the choristers getting louder all the while. This is basically the first five minutes of an episode of Lewis. Not that I'm saying one of this lot is about to snap and murder LordAlan in a brutal yet inventive manner, but I'm sure at least half of them are capable of it.

LordAlan tells them that they're at Guildhall because it's a location that hosts a lot of corporate events, and that's what they're doing this week: staging an awayday. He's set up two influential clients, and the candidates will be tasked with providing entertainment or an event, and they'll be judged both on the profit that they make and the customer's satisfaction. "This is not some jolly," warns LordAlan. "This is a business task where the client wants value for money." Well, they probably shouldn't have contracted it out to candidates on a reality show where you win by making as big a profit as possible, then.

It's time to mix the teams up a little bit, so Myles is being moved back to Endeavour, where Dr Leah will be the LordAlan-mandated project manager. On Evolve, because Francesca has experience in corporate events (presumably by hiring out her services as Britain's foremost Stella English lookalike), she will be PM. Blah blah blah, profit and customer satisfaction, one of the losers will be fired.

The voiceover informs us that the awayday market is worth £1bn a year, yet I don't think I've ever met anybody who actually enjoys being sent on awaydays. Mind you, most of the people I know work in sectors where an awayday basically involves being sent to do your work in a different building with a slightly better selection of biscuits, but being forced to interact with your colleagues more than usual.

Each team has two days to create and run an event to meet the brief of a corporate client. Francesca is pleased to be "PM at last" and congratulates herself for "intelligently pull[ing] back" from some of the other tasks. Luisa's makes a "lulwut" face in response to this. Francesca describes herself as "Mrs Corporate", while Luisa says that she's totally anti-corporate. "I hate the corporate world," she announces in an interview. "The boring black suits, I'm not into corporate jargon. I think it's boring, the people are dull." At this point, I wanted more than anything else for Luisa to survive long enough to make interviews, because that is going to be a culture-clash car crash and I for one am going to LOVE IT.

In an Endeavour Apprentaxi, Alex and Neil welcome Myles back to Evolve. Neil states that Dr Leah had "a point to prove" on the last task, but if she just lets everyone do what they're good at on this one, then they'll win. Well, I guess there's definitely a market for a "Neil talks about football while Myles sashays around in a thong"-themed awayday. I'm sure I could book a few people on that myself.

First up: brainstorming potential ideas. Neil thinks a clear theme is important. He suggests a back-to-school theme with events like a sack race and an egg-and-spoon race. Dr Leah likes the idea of a history-themed awayday that they can make "majestic". (Be prepared to hear that word a lot in the next five minutes, by the way.) Neil shoots her down by saying "everybody has been to school, not everybody is into history." Well, yes, but a lot of people weren't into school either, Neil. I think there are plenty of people who are in absolutely no hurry to relive those adolescent years of having no friends and getting beaten up behind the bike sheds. Er, so I'm told, anyway. He suggests they could get people to wear something school-themed, and someone chips in "St. Trinian's!" and Dr Leah reacts in horror. I think her instincts are right, incidentally: it's not that I'm against the school theme per se, but I think you need to take it seriously. There's a difference between arranging a school-themed awayday for a corporate client and arranging a School Disco night at Shooters, is what I'm saying.

Over on Evolve, Francesca suggests themes like Vegas, James Bond and the Moulin Rouge, but says that her two top choices are "luxury" and "back to school". This at least makes it sound like the teams were given a pre-determined shortlist of themes to choose from: I'm not saying it's impossible that they both would've come up with "back to school" independently, but given the way this show usually works, I'm thinking it's not just sheer coincidence. Also, "luxury"? Such an appropriate theme for an awayday in the current economic climate. I know I want our most dynamic business minds spending their time learning more about what luxury feels like. Back to school is a popular theme on Evolve, so they go with that. Francesca interviews that she's "not technically an event organiser" (that seems like quite a serious technicality to me), but she does supply to a lot of events like this so she has an idea of what people want to see.

Now they need to pick team-building tasks for the day (again, it would seem that they're choosing from a list given to them by production), and Rebecca suggests wine-tasting. At a back to school day. Jordan says that it would only fit in their theme as a "clandestine, don't-get-caught-by-the-teachers" thing. I must admit I'm a bit surprised that his school didn't have a resident sommelier stationed next to the ostrich burger van. I guess it wasn't that fancy after all. Another theme considered is chocolate-making, and Luisa points out that she does cupcake-making classes as part of her day job, and that's as close as dammit, damn it. So having Luisa do the class herself is a potential cost-saving strategy, though Francesca's concerned that they "don't want to stinge". Is stinge a verb now? I stinge, you stinge, we have stinged? Luisa counters that it's daft to pay for a chocolate-maker to come in and teach a class when she can do it for free, more or less, since that would save them £1000. Jordan volunteers to be financial controller, and Francesca delegates Luisa to go and investigate what the chocolate-maker is capable of, since Francesca deems Luisa to be entirely unbiased about her own abilities and therefore perfectly qualified to judge whether she can deliver a class of the same quality for a vastly-reduced price. This is the first of many mistakes that Francesca will make over the next two days. In the Apprentaxi with Jason, Luisa's off: she doesn't think Francesca's a good PM, she doesn't have any conviction in what she says, and she's setting herself up to fail already. This is going to be a long task, isn't it?

Over at Endeavour, Dr Leah is still pushing for a history theme, but Neil argues that it's too expensive. Dr Leah wants archery and "an English lawn game" as potential activities since they're reasonably-priced, but Neil whines that that "sounds boring". Neil calls for a vote on who wants a school theme, and he, Myles, Natalie and Alex raise their hands, while Dr Leah does not. Kurt's vote is a bit of a mystery: he may have his hand in the air, or he may just be biting his nails, it's hard to tell. Neil passive-aggressives: "you're project manager, it's four against two, but it's your call." Dr Leah asserts her authority and decides that she's going with the history theme. "I'm really worried this isn't fun!" cries Neil. I can't tell if he's specifically objecting to Dr Leah's interpretation of the history theme, or if he thinks it's genuinely impossible to ever make history enjoyable. If it's the latter, man, fuck him. I was crap at history at school, but you'll never convince me that it can't be fun if you do it properly. Karren interviews that previously in the boardroom, Dr Leah had admitted that she hadn't followed her gut instinct, but this time she has, "much against the majority of her team, regardless of the logic of the decision." SHADE. In the Apprentaxi, Alex bitches that Dr Leah made a "selfish decision", while Neil kvetches that he made it very clear, he's been to lots of these events, and he knows what works. Again, I'm not entirely sure if he's really making the distinction here between "what works" and "what Neil likes", so I'm not sure his pushing for a back to school theme was any less selfish than Dr Leah fighting so hard for history, but the decision's been made, so let's move on.

It's now noon, and half the teams are off to arrange activities while the others are off to meet with the clients. So they're going to be booking people up for the awaydays before they've had their themes signed off by the client? Sure, that sounds sensible. Francesca, Jordan and Rebecca go to meet with their clients: lastminute.com. (By which I mean they are working with the online deals agency, I wasn't channeling Natasha Scribbins describing their poor timekeeping.) Mr Lastminute.com says that their ethos has always been 5* experiences for 3* prices, and they need to collaborate and communicate quickly. "So there's supposed to be business value in this day, collaboration and communication," Jordan parrots back to him.

At 12:30pm over at Canary Wharf, Endeavour are due to meet with their client, Barclays Retail Banking. Well, at least now we know what they're doing with all that money that isn't going into taxes. Leah, Myles and Natalie are on their way to meet them, bickering and running late. For some reason they're all hovering by the lifts until Karren comes to fetch him, hissing "guys, your client's waiting". Well, maybe someone should've told them where to go then? I mean, I realise this team has not covered itself in glory so far but it didn't look like they were waiting there out of their own choice. They go in to the meeting, and Mr Barclays opens by bitching "you've obviously had a hectic morning." Dr Leah, bless her, either doesn't recognise this as a slam on her professionalism or simply doesn't care. She asks what they're hoping to get, and Mr Barclays says that their branch managers need to improve their listening and communication skills, and if this session that Endeavour arranges works out well, they're going to farm it out to cover 35,000 employees. Dr Leah pitches her ideas: the historic, medieval theme, "providing escapism, majestic, medieval, outdoor lawn games, with very classic hot food during the day, and just go with the classic medieval majestic escapism theme." Oy. Mr Barclays isn't keen: "I'm not here to solve this assignment for you. What we're looking for is a fresh perspective to this. It's very, very important that you keep the objective in mind - understanding and listening to customers better." Endeavour are dismissed, and Mr and Ms Barclays openly laugh at them as soon as they're gone. Outside, Dr Leah admits to Natalie and Myles that she's surprised at how the order of the day seems to be "it must not be fun". I'm not sure that's exactly what they were being told, but I guess at least it means Neil can stop worrying about how history is a total drag, man.

Speaking of the devil, Neil, Alex and Kurt are making a deal for an archery event in Hertfordshire. The archery woman charges £400, and Neil tries to negotiate down to £320. She tries to negotiate back up to £330, but Neil holds fast at £320, and they agree on that. Their celebrations on the way home are dampened by a call from Dr Leah, informing them that the client wants more of a focus on communication, so she's changed the theme from medieval to "army". I guess I sort of see the logic there, though I kind of wish we'd actually been able to see that conversation. Neil complains that Dr Leah "doesn't have a scooby."

Meanwhile, Jason and Luisa are meeting with Hannah the chocolatier, who explains that she demonstrates how people can make their own truffles. She asks Luisa if she's ever done anything like that, and Luisa's all "NO, BUT I HAVE A CAKE SHOP!" Jason asks about pricing, and Hannah says her fixed price is £795 for the first 12 people, and then it's an additional £70 for each extra guest. Luisa asks Hannah if she minds excusing them for a second while they step outside and talk about pricing. They shuffle into the corridor, and Luisa decides to make an executive decision to just source all the products themselves and she'll run the workshop, which Jason agrees with. They go back in and apologise to Hannah, and Luisa says that "just from a cost point of view", they're better off sourcing their own ingredients and having her do it, because "I am you, just in a different industry." Hannah's face: "girl, you are NOT me and I resent that implication so much that I'm considering suing you." Luisa, totally committed to making friends and influencing people, goes on to say that "there's no point in us paying £50 per head just for the stuff." Seriously, why is she saying ANY of this? Hannah does not need to know your alternative arrangements, and all you're doing is insulting her; just politely decline and leave. To cap a truly diabolical meeting, Luisa then asks Hannah if they can buy some piping bags off her. Hannah's face: "Get the fuck out of my kitchen."

Now in North London, Francesca, Rebecca and Jordan are shopping for school dinner ingredients in Morrisons. Well, Francesca and Rebecca are running around playing Supermarket Sweep, while Jordan is frantically trying to keep tabs on how much they're spending. Apparently they're buying scones. We never had scones for school dinners: did you? Jordan interviews that nobody else is paying attention to the costs, and Rebecca in particular is "running around like a child in a sweet shop". Never have I felt the absence of Yasmina Siadatan more keenly. In total, they spend £284.97, for those of you who like to keep tabs on that sort of thing.

By contrast, Dr Leah and her subteam are haggling at a cash and carry in Hackney. This does seem to be the more sensible strategy; I've never really understood why people trying to maximise their profits always want to pay retail prices for ingredients. Neil calls from his Apprentaxi and Dr Leah actually answers by saying "talk to me", like she's Terry Tibbs. Neil tells her that he's worried they haven't got enough activities for the afternoon, so they thought about adding sumo wrestling. Dr Leah "does not love the idea of sumo wrestling at all". Kurt points out that they're charging £5000 and basically all they've got so far is archery. Dr Leah reminds him that these are managers from Barclays and she doesn't want them rolling around in sumo suits at her event: "I think it's distasteful". I don't think it's distasteful, I just think it's stupid and unsuitable. Alex screams in the background "for God's bloody sake, Leah, you're talking nonsense!" and Dr Leah fires right back that Neil should "tell Alex to have a wee bit of respect, I'm getting a bit sick of him. Tell him to keep quiet!" Let's not forget: these are the people in charge of showing others how to communicate effectively as a team. Dr Leah tells Neil that if they HAVE to, as a LAST RESORT, they can have the sumo suits, "but they're not wrestling each other, they can just touch each other." Bam-chicka-wah-wah. Alex interviews that Dr Leah is too indecisive and totally out of her depth.

At 5:30pm, Jason and Luisa are now in Kent trying out a team-building exercise which basically involves two planks of wood with string handles, where each participant has to put one leg on each plank of wood and then work together to co-ordinate themselves along some sort of obstacle course. I am FASCINATED to know how much this insultingly simple piece of kit costs for the day. Apparently they're offering "three activities for £350", and once again Luisa and Jason form a surprisingly effective negotiation team as they get it down to £310. Luisa is pleased because it looks professional and high-quality.

At 9pm, everyone reunites back at Entrepreneur Estates. Neil wants Endeavour to have a chance to air all their frustrations so they can put them behind them and concentrate on working together cohesively the next day. This is...surprisingly not a terrible idea, and Dr Leah agrees, so everyone vents. Meanwhile, Francesca puts a timetable together for her day. Rebecca wants them to end it with a motivational speaker, but Luisa and Jordan argue that they can do that themselves for nothing, rather than spend the £600 it would cost to hire a professional. Francesca points out that it's not just a profit task, it's a quality task as well, and interviews that she thinks the cost-per-head value at present is very good. Over on Endeavour, Neil is back-seat driving again and volunteers to do the motivational speech as the self-appointed best public speaker in the group. He interviews that even though they've got some reasonably low-rent activities, "people like myself and Myles" can make it value for money. ME. THE WORD IS ME. NOT "MYSELF", "ME".

The next day, it's 9am and Endeavour are arriving in Hertfordshire where they'll be staging their military-themed awayday. Myles says that he and Neil want to work on linking the whole day together to make sure it all flows smoothly and that - crucially - it actually reflects what the client wants. Dr Leah agrees and gives them 10 minutes to do that. Kurt and Natalie, who have both been pretty much invisible all episode and will continue to be (so much for Natalie vowing to show her passion and dynamism), are assigned catering duty.

Meanwhile, five miles away, Evolve are setting up for their school-themed day, which involves Luisa and Jordan unpacking such obviously educative props as a feathery thing, a plastic flamingo and a fabric flame thingy. They have apparently spent £300 on these, which have no relevance to any part of their day as far as I can tell. I suspect that the prop-shopping part of the task involved Francesca watching QVC at 3am whilst high. Oh, and Rebecca and Jason are on cooking duty together again. Rebecca interviews that she's "delighted" to be in the kitchen because it's essential that the food is ready, so it's the most effective use of her skills. I feel like she is pretty much handing her resignation in right in front of us.

At 11am, 16 managers from lastminute.com arrive for their awayday with Evolve, while "a squad" of bank managers turn up at Endeavour's event. Neil greets them and then informs them that he is "Sergeant Neil (prompting a few rolleyes) before he and Myles explain the objective of the day and how everything they do will have a business subtext, because it says so in the script. Meanwhile, Dr Leah is stood behind them dressed like Helga from 'Allo 'Allo, and the final guest of honour is Colonel Alex, who strides in wearing camouflage gear, aviators and warpaint on his face. This is, I think, almost exactly the same outcome as if the task had been "make a Triga movie". Alex strides in doing his very best R. Lee Ermey impression and informs them to follow his sergeants out to their training posts, leading to some Dandrew-quality marching from the bewildered bank managers.

Over at Evolve, the team are still preoccupied making sure everyone's got tea or coffee, and people are starting to notice the general lack of focus to the day so far. Finally Francesca heads to the front of the room and announces herself, saying that they wanted to get across the idea of communication, teamwork and motivation. Which would be fine, except she doesn't stop there and babbles on about helping them to achieve "success in work, success in your life, and happiness", prompting Luisa to give Jordan a "can you believe this shit?" look. I think Luisa is pretty much my favourite candidate at this point just for her reliability when it comes to providing reaction shots. Meanwhile, Francesca's still going, asking everyone what they wanted to be when they were at school and saying that she wanted to be a policewoman. Oh dear god. She asks everyone if they're happy. The room is conspicuously silent.

Endeavour are leading their delegates in some lawn games, military-style. It's incongruous, but it works because Neil is explaining it with conviction. They've adapted the games so it involves people having to do it with their eyes closed while a colleague gives them directions, and all that sort of thing. For the most part, it works. One thing that does not work, however, is Neil's army face paint. It looks like he went to the village fete and got the nice man to make him look like a kitty cat. Neil interviews that he's totally masterminded all of the brilliant ideas, and we get a shot of Dr Leah sitting down by herself making some notes, while Karren watches her from a distance questioningly.

Disaster! It's raining. Dr Leah admits that they need to make some adjustments, and she's "thinking as we speak". So everyone heads inside, while five miles away over at Francesca's event (where it is not raining), people are doing that thing with the planks of wood that we saw earlier, while Luisa yells "TALK TO EACH OTHER!" repeatedly. It seems to be going well, anyway.

Back on Endeavour, everyone is indoors being brought tea and coffee by Natalie, while one delegate interviews that she isn't seeing much of a wet-weather plan here. Dr Leah's brilliant plan is a "conflict resolution" seminar...using the sumo suits. While she asks if anyone would like to share their examples of resolving conflict in the workplace (no, apparently they would not), Neil and Myles - the two people who've drawn the short straw of wearing the sumo suits - giggle backstage about how ridiculous they look and wonder why they even bought the damn things in the first place. Dr Leah brings Neil and Myles in to demonstrate "how conflict can spiral out of control and not be resolved". There are a few laughs, but there's also a lot of cringing. After Myles and Neil have finished running into each other and giggling, Dr Leah chuckles that conflict resolution is a SERIOUS topic and they want to work on how you can avoid that. "That" being having to put on a silly rubber costume and make a fool of yourself, apparently.

Lunchtime! Rebecca is serving up school dinners for Evolve, which seem to be well-received, while over on Endeavour, Natalie and Kurt's beef stew appears to be actual garbage. Natalie tells Kurt that somebody "hasn't even touched his mashed potato! Well, he's missing out." Somehow I suspect he is not. Meanwhile, Dr Leah looks at all the dirty dishes and squirms. Looks like someone has a touch of the OCD, to quote Cheryl Cole.

At 2:30pm, Jason and Rebecca are staging the wine-tasting, clearly having made no plans prior to this point. I realise they were busy in the kitchen, but surely they could've discussed it a bit while they were peeling turnips? Jason explains that they're trying to establish which of the wines are high-quality, medium-quality, and low-quality. One of the delegates asks if they're going to explain how they should be able to tell, and Rebecca gabbles that that's not the point of the task, but that she and Jason know which ones are the most expensive, and therefore "the best". She does air-quotes and everything. It's brilliant. She tries to link this to the lastminute.com business model by saying that this task is about "costing and quality", but I don't think she's even convincing herself, let alone anyone else.

Meanwhile, Luisa is leading the people who aren't doing wine-tasting in a cupcake-decorating class. It appears to involve "pipe some icing on and covering it in marshmallows", so while everyone seems to be enjoying themselves, I'm not sure it's an exact substitute for "make your own truffles". Meanwhile, a senior-sounding type from lastminute.com interviews that the back to school theme seems to have been pretty much abandoned and the day lacks structure. A grumpy-looking type asks Francesca what the point of this session is, and she replies that it's "all about experiences", because that's what the company supplies. Yeah, not like this it doesn't. Over at the bar, it's time for Jason to tot up everyone's scores and reveal the results...except he keeps getting confused over who gave what answer, and he keeps getting the wines muddled up. NAILED IT!

Over at Endeavour, the weather has cleared up, so it's time for archery. Again, there's no real business point to it, but they cleverly cover that up by having Neil and Myles wandering around talking to the people who aren't currently firing arrows at a target and asking them about their strengths and objectives and whatnot, so they get away with it. Essentially, I'm not sure that Endeavour did that much of a better job actually arranging business-themed tasks than Evolve did, but they certainly did a vastly superior job at dressing them up in corporate clothes, which might just make all the difference. Karren interviews that Neil and Myles have done a great job in making sure all the games hit the client's objectives.

5.15pm, and time for the last session of the day. Evolve bring in their subcontracted motivational speaker, while Neil delivers a personal speech to their banking clients. He talks about his dad dying of cancer when Neil was 18, and how his dad wanted him to be a football player, adding that he played semi-pro football and thought that was his dream. (Wow, reach for those stars, Neil!) Meanwhile, Evolve sit back and enjoy some downtime while their hired-in speaker talks about the importants of growing and EVOLVE-ing continuously. Ah, I see what they did there. Very clever. Rebecca interviews that the day has been a success, and that none of them could've done as good a job as their speaker Adrian. One of the delegates interviews that Adrian was very inspiring, and in fact he was the most (/only) inspiring part of the day. Another delegate interviews that the day's been fun, but he's not sure if he's actually learned anything.

Back at Endeavour, Neil's closing his speech by talking about the importance of being motivated every single day, and the crowd applauds and Louis Walsh tells him how proud of him his dead dad will be after that performance. Oops, sorry, wrong show. The delegates praise Neil's engaging performance, and Colonel Alex thanks everyone for their hard work and dismisses them all. Neil tells Endeavour that it's going to take "something remarkable" for the other team to beat them.

The next day, and the boardroom. NotFrances, who actually gets into the shot this week (steady on, if she gets any more exposure they'll have to give her an Equity card), sends them all through. Dr Leah's hair is kind of mad again. Is it really humid in the boardroom, is that why that happens? If so, why is she the only one affected by it? LordAlan wants to start with Endeavour, and asks Dr Leah how she got on as PM. She admits that it wasn't easy, and explains that their brainstorm was "relatively organised", which Neil disputes, saying that he was passionate about the school-themed event. Dr Leah says she wanted the "majestic medieval" history, and Neil says that the point is that Dr Leah said "let's have a vote", and it came down 4-2 in favour of the back to school theme. Except that's not actually what we saw happen, because it was Neil who proposed the vote in the scene that we saw. Possibly Dr Leah was the first one to bring the idea up and Neil was just reviving it, but I can only go on what we were actually shown, which is that the vote was Neil's idea, so it's not quite such a terrible sin that Dr Leah disregarded the outcome, despite the show's attempts to convince me otherwise.

Karren admonishes Dr Leah for being late to the meeting with the CEO of Barclays Retail Banking, and that the history theme was a clearly "half-arsed idea" when they were explaining it. Dr Leah says that Barclays didn't want the "fun-fun-fun" aspect of the school idea that Neil was backing either (Neil makes a face of disbelief at this, as though it's inconceivable that any idea he puts forward could ever be anything less than perfect), so they went with "army" as their theme. LordAlan says that what he's getting from this is that Dr Leah is indecisive, and that surely as a doctor, she should be much better at assessing a situation quickly: "If I come into your surgery with a stomach pain, you don't put it to a vote whether I should have an enema or have my appendix out, do you?" Leaving aside the bizarre implication here that a democratic vote is no way to settle a business dispute, I think LordAlan's hit on the next new entertainment format here: Surgery: Live! People come on the show and describe their symptoms, and the public vote for what sort of operation they should have. Dr Christian Jessen can be head judge, with the rest of the panel consisting of Tom Chambers (because he used to play a surgeon on TV) and Sharon Osbourne (because: her face). Dr Leah explains how the army event placed Alex "in a sergeant major role", which Alex immediately corrects: "Colonel." Hee. Karren tells Alex that he was "a bit pantomime at times". I know, imagine something on this show being a completely cartoonish lampoon of a real world activity. Alex says it was a "last-minute theme with dishevelled components" and that he thinks he got the best out of his troops.

LordAlan asks where the business theme came through, and Dr Leah says they did "conflict resolution and how not to resolve conflicts by wrestling" (COMMAS ARE YOUR FRIEND, DR LEAH) and LordAlan is all "oh god, not with the bladdy sumo suits?" Yup, with the bladdy sumo suits. Neil explains how he and Myles were the sergeants, motivating the teams.

Over to Evolve. Francesca says that they decided on a school theme, with Rebecca and Jason in the "hospitality team" and also doing the wine-tasting. LordAlan questions the coupling of "wine-tasting" and "school" as Endeavour giggle in the background. LordAlan asks where the business message was. Jordan says that their themes were "collaboration, communication and creativity", and that's what they were trying to encourage between the teams. LordAlan asks about the motivational speaker, and Rebecca explains that she's attended a lot of corporate events and that she knows how beneficial a motivational speaker is, and that she felt "very strongly" that they didn't have the experience or the expertise to do that themselves.

Asked if Francesca was a good PM, Rebecca declares that she was "very good". Jordan says "weak managemenet, non-existent strategy", and Luisa says she'd agree with that. "Surprise surprise," snits Francesca under her breath.

RESULTS TIME!

Endeavour were paid £5000 and spent £2170.50, but the bank wanted a refund of 25% due to the lack of rainy-day contingency plan, so the profit was £1579.50.
Evolve were also paid £5000 and spent £2654.19, and their client wanted a refund of £1250 (so, 25% again) due to the "entire lack of business sense", leaving them with a profit of £1095.81.

So essentially "customer satisfaction" has been measured entirely in pounds and pence, and "not having a rainy-day plan" is as big an offence as "not having any point whatsoever". Interesting.

Dr Leah wins! But the glory is not hers, because Karren says that the client was "very impressed with Neil" first and foremost, and LordAlan says that she has her team to thank for her victory. Their reward? A luxury spa day. Meanwhile, at least one of Evolve is being shown the door.

Reward: Alex gets his eyebrows done and admits that he plucks them, which explains a lot. Natalie has a hot stone treatment and plans to win again if this is what all the treats are like. Myles gets his tits out.

Loser Café. Jordan thinks they'd have won the task if they hadn't had the motivational speaker. In theory, but the motivational speaker was the only part of the day that got positive feedback; who's to say that without him the refund wouldn't have been even bigger? Obviously this puts a target on Rebecca's back. Francesca says that she wants people to stop "passing the buck", and Jordan says that it's not about that, it's about finding who's responsible. Does Jordan think Francesca's responsible for the failure of the task? Yeah, kind of. Francesca interviews that Jordan is a "turncoat" because he went along with everything until they were losing and then suddenly changed his mind. She says that the decision to hire a motivational speaker was ultimately her call. Luisa interviews that Francesca sucked as a PM and had no strategy.

Boardroom 2: The Firing. LordAlan reminds them that they were told in no uncertain terms that this was supposed to be a business function, for business people. Maybe they should've done a lunch special for business women? The feedback indicates that the day was disorganised, didn't adhere to its theme, and that they were basically making it all up as they went along. Francesca replies that she felt like it was "a professional event". LordAlan wonders what the delegates will get from the cupcake class, for example, and Francesca waffles about tapping into the creativity of each person. Karren: "Do you believe what you're saying? Can you hear it? Can you hear what you're saying?" I'd estimate that Karen is only about a minute away from going on a full Nikki Grahame meltdown at any point during this boardroom. LordAlan says that Francesca talks a good game and that if she says something is inspirational enough times, she'll convince herself.

Picking up the baton of inappropriateness (I think we had a visitor come into our PSHE lessons at school once to tell us about that) and running with it, LordAlan says that the cupcakes and wine-tasting sessions didn't suit the "so-called event" (harsh), and Francesca says that's why she "genuinely wanted to explore the other activities". Luisa says that she saved them £1000 by doing the cupcake course herself instead of paying Hannah to demonstrate how to make truffles.

LordAlan reminds them that they lost by £500, and paid £600 for their motivational speaker. I will Rebecca to say that it was the most successful aspect of the day and save herself, but she doesn't: instead she hems and haws that Jordan and Luisa both potentially put themselves forward for the speech, "but on the day that didn't come across", whatever that means. Francesca says that nobody said they would do it, but Jordan counters that several of them expressed an interest only to be shot down. Again, we never actually saw this conversation, which is a bit annoying, because someone is obviously misrepresenting what happened and I have no idea who. Francesca tries to kneecap Luisa by pointing out her outspoken dislike of the corporate world, and Luisa explains that she "thinks a lot of empty words are spoken in the corporate world." THIS IS AN ACTUAL SENTENCE THAT WAS SPOKEN BY SOMEBODY ON THE APPRENTICE. It's like the very fabric of the show has cracked. To be fair, she cites Francesca as an example of someone throwing out corporate jargon that means nothing, and how the delegates were sniggering at her. It's a crudely expressed point, but it's certainly not without merit. Unfortunately, this sets Karren off again. "You might find a rough attitude when you get in front of a bank asking for investment in your business," she seethes. Seriously, guys, do not insult the corporate world in front of Karren. I think she could turn nasty.

LordAlan asks about the props, which Francesca takes responsibility for and Jordan admits to "an overspend" which was "where we ultimately lost the task". Again, I don't think that solitary factor lost them the task all by itself, but it certainly was a prominent symbol of the lack of coherent thinking in the whole arrangement. Jordan says that he tried to fight his cause, but people didn't want to listen.

And what of Jason? LordAlan asks if he's a waste of space in the process, because while he seems like a nice bloke, that's not what LordAlan is looking for. Jason says that if he had been PM, he would've listened to the client and tailored the whole day according to the brief. Which is a strategy I very much appreciate, but it doesn't really address the key problem here, which was that they had to do half of the planning and arranging before they even met with the client in the first place. Seriously, this task seemed like it was designed to make them fail in that respect. LordAlan asks whose idea the wine-tasting was, and Luisa sighs "Rebecca's." Rebecca clears her throat several times and says that it wasn't solely her idea, but a suggestion - the irony being, of course, that in this case that's actually true, but she lied about this back in week two when she forced the team to go to that tiny beer festival, and now she's the businesswoman who cried wolf. Oops. So now Rebecca's being blamed for both the motivational speaker and the wine-tasting, which together cost the team £900, which is more than the margin they lost by. Again, I'm frustrated by how simplistic they're trying to make this - if it genuinely wasn't a task judged on profit (and I'm growing less convinced of that with each passing minute), then we have no idea how much the loss of the motivational speaker and/or the wine tasting would've affected the result in terms of customer satisfaction, so it seems unfair to say "these events were Rebecca's idea and cost a lot of money so it's her fault that you lost", which is essentially what LordAlan does here.

LordAlan tells Francesca that she has to pick two candidates for the final boardroom, and he warns her that they must be people who are responsible for the failure of the task, not just people she doesn't like. Francesca insists that she would never do that, and decides to bring back Rebecca and Luisa, prompting Luisa to immediately denounce this as a personal attack. Jason and Jordan are dismissed, and I cannot even tell you how thrilled I am that Jason was actually on the losing team for once and STILL didn't end up in the final boardroom. Vive le Jason!

Francesca, Rebecca and Luisa are sent into the anteroom while LordAlan grumbles to Nick and Karren that their event was so shapeless it might as well have been about knitting, and that Rebecca hasn't made much of an impact on him in the last six weeks. Karren admits to being worried about Francesca's reasons for bringing Luisa back, and that she "senses real animosity between those girls". Gee, you think? LordAlan wonders why Jordan wasn't brought back, being the one in charge of finance, and a lack of control of the pursestrings being one of the main reasons they lost.

NotFrances sends them back in, and LordAlan asks Francesca why she brought Luisa back. Francesca says that "the cupcaking...was good", but that she didn't like how Luisa was so bellicose the whole time about not agreeing with Francesca's decisions. Luisa says that what she doesn't like about corporate events is "exactly what Francesca has just shown: empty, hollow words." LordAlan asks Luisa if she ever regrets what she says, and Luisa is all "...occasionally?" He digs out her REZ-HOO-MAY where she apparently wrote "if you push me and push me, I will flip, and when I flip, you don't want to be there." Heh, well, I think any residual illusions about this being a serious recruitment process kind of went out the window there, because no HR department in their right mind would let that past a first reading. Luisa insists that she's not difficult to work with, but Rebecca disagrees, saying that she finds Luisa "obstinate and argumentative". Luisa sniffs that she's just not EMOTIONAL, and she works better with men than with women, who all JUDGE HER FOR BEING SO BEAUTIFUL. Oh, Luisa. LordAlan says that he doesn't mind an argumentative nature as long as you're making sense, and Luisa says that the failure of this task wasn't because of her doing cupcakes because she saved them £1000 (that feels like an exaggerated figure, for starters - I'm sure they scrimped on the materials for her cupcake classes but I bet they haven't taken expenditure on the basic ingredients into account when throwing that £1000 figure around) - the problem was a lack of control of the money, which LordAlan says "is hard to disagree with." Francesca thinks that she can't motivate top-end management, which is why they had to hire in an expert. Luisa has the perfect answer for that: "Neil did."

LordAlan notes that Rebecca is being very quiet, and he's wondering if this high-pressure situation is for her. Rebecca says that she has her feet planted in reality, that she's given up a lot to be here, and that she has the skills and ability to be his business partner. Asked if she has the skills to be LordAlan's business partner, Francesca says that she's professional and fair and really wants it. Same question to Luisa, who says she's got a proven track record of making a success out of three businesses, and her direct attitude gets results. Asked who she thinks is responsible for the failure of the task, she thinks it's a joint failure between Rebecca and Francesca.

Decision time. Luisa is "a bombshell", but is that enthusiasm or abrasiveness? Rebecca is quiet, which is fine, but she hasn't really shown anything of worth so far other than some skill at selling. Francesca was put in charge as PM due to her alleged experience with corporate events, but this was a disaster. It's very nearly Francesca who goes, and there's a brief tease towards firing Luisa, but ultimately LordAlan's "instink" tells him to fire Rebecca, so she's gone. Francesca and Luisa are both given "the benefit of the doubt" and sent back to the house. Hugs in the anteroom, no hard feelings, etc.

Coatwatch: dark and calf-length, accessorised with a chiffon scarf. Rebecca taxinterviews that she was disappointed not to have shown more of what she's capable of, and that she's a bit shocked that she was fired.

Back at Entrepreneur Estates, Jason thinks two people are going. Jordan thinks Francesca is "definitely gone". Luisa and Francesca return, and Luisa admits she thought she was going. Neil jokes that only nine more people need to get fired until he wins.

Next week: selling caravans in the Midlands, and I'm sure Nick will have a few choice words to say about how everyone there is too poor to afford a caravan. Also, Alex has a hood for when it starts raining. I'll bet he does.

Planet of the oud

Last week!  The notion of a farm shop morphed into some kind of takeaway task!  Kurt’s milk fetish caused ALL THE KELIS REFERENCES IN THE WORLD!  Luisa’s team took a Buffalo Stance!  And Uzma was finally fired for always being in the boardroom!

430am at Apprenti-towers, and Jason is answering the phone in yet another pair of pyjamas that you never normally see outside the pages of children’s books.  Or toothpaste adverts.  Apparently they need to pack to go to Dubai.  In a very early moment of foregrounding, it’s established that Zeeshaan used to live in Dubai.  Luisa gets very excited and talks about packing bikinis.  I still can’t figure out if she really is like that or if some of it is a deliberate act.  Either way, Luisa –land seems a much more happy place than I would have imagined it to be in episode one when I thought she might be being set up as queen bitch.

They go to the SPLENDID OPULENT WALDORF ASTORIA which is being built and it’s time for the ten items task!  Except this lot are not good enough for ten so they only give them eight to source.  And, as we shall see, even that’s a tall order.

Leah is ported over to Endeavour.  The voiceover lies that all 300 rooms in the hotel are in need of ‘top class touches’.  Yes, I’m, sure sixteen pieces of tat (or as this task usually goes, twelve pieces of tat, one very overpriced luxury item where the vendor saw them coming and three things they couldn’t find) would be just the ticket.

On Endeavour, ‘international property expert’ Zeeshaan is blabbering on about how he is perfect for the task because he used to live in Dubai and we see one of his video interview clips about no human intimidating him.  Just don’t let him near any animals, because he’ll run whimpering like a child.  Leah would also like to be team leader because she is amazing at everything and has been to Dubai before.  Neil votes Zee and because he is Regina George, everyone goes along with him. Zee tells people to put away the maps because he knows Dubai like the back of his hand.  Leah’s eyes start rolling.  SPOILER: They will not stop.

Myles is PM for Evolve and we see him interview bragging about his glamorous lifestyle and how his business idea is about luxury brands.  Whatever, Myles, you’ve still been reduced to appearing on The Apprentice.  Also: LOL at the idea of SralanLudSuga ever having a bar of ‘luxury goods’.  Have you watched this show or followed any of the products his companies have made, Myles?

Time to see what the products are and Endeavor identify that a kandura is Arabic clothing, a falcon hood is a hood for a falcon (for why is this a hotel requirement?) and Zee says that Oud is a perfume.  Not one of them, NOT ONE, makes a Doctor Who joke.  YOU ARE ALL DEAD TO ME, APPRENTI.  Alex points out that the instructions mention mahogany and asks if that’s the container.  Zee says it smells of mahogany.  I think he may be getting confused with SANDALWOOD.  Zee assures them it’s easy to find.

Evolve wonder if an oud is a statue.  Jordan says the important thing is to ‘take it back to 50,000 feet’.  WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN??    They start to phone around and then make the decision to go to the mall.  Meanwhile, Zee says the key will be to get as much as possible from the souks and as little as possible from the mall.  Leah expresses doubt they’ll have time to find everything at the souks but Zee says he’s just ‘telling you what the facts are’ which are that he could get the kandura from a souk for 100 dirams and at the mall the other team would get them for 1000 dirams.  To be fair to Zee, there is potentially some merit in this idea, as usually on this task we’d be expecting teams to go to markets over shopping centres, for example – but then that assumes the markets and malls in Dubai are anything like the ones over here, which is not necessarily the case – and it is possible that the markets wouldn’t have all the items either.  Leah’s crash!edit! from quiet, competent and above all this shit to Apprentice-crazy, the real theme of this episode, continues apace as she declares that she will take her sub team to the mall and Zee’s all ‘you what now?  I never said you could lead a subteam’ and then has to make her sub-team leader because everyone says she should be.  Such a glorious mess already.  Leah, Neil and Alex are sent to Souk Medina and Zee confirms they shouldn’t go to the mall. [I have no idea what happened here, or why - Helen]

Dubai porn!  Their shard is longer, thinner, taller and shardier than the London one!

Car conversation time!  Jordan is excited by the scenery, Rebecca has a failed conversation on the phone with someone who doesn’t speak Arabic, Zee is up for some hard negotiating and Natalie concurs (SPOILERS: LOL), Leah is worried about being able to source things at the souk, so much so that she tells the driver to go to the mall instead.  Alex and Neil remain quiet. [again Leah, WHY? - Helen]

Louisa, Jordan and Jason arrive at the mall, which is the world’s largest, apparently.  Jason tries on a kandura but it costs 300 dirams and he says, in a bizarre accent, that he doesn’t want to pay that.  They find another store and negotiate one for 110. 

Leah’s strategy is to go straight to the perfumery.  Zee rings them and finds out they’re at the mall, which he isn’t happy about.  He asks to speak to Neil and Leah says Neil can hear him and he needs to stop trying to appease Neil – which is all the men have done so far all series, as far as I can tell.  Zee tells them they have to go to the souk and asks them to get the coffee pot, the kandura and anything else they can see – so two of the eight items?  Bokay then.  Neil snipes that just because Zee knows Dubai, it doesn’t mean he knows it all.  Leah points out that she would have been a better PM – and were it not ZEE that were the PM I’d say they were setting her up for a ‘you didn’t respect the PM’ type firing/telling-off a la Miranda in series one.

Myles’ sub-team go to get the plant and decide they need to go in and out very quickly.  Myles tries to get more than 10% off and the saleswoman offers to get the boss who can get them a bigger discount.  Myles refuses because he’s in a rush (oh the foreshadowing) and gets 15% off.  Karren says he was a bit hasty and should have spoken to the boss.

Zee’s sub-team are in the cab calling ahead to a flag shop to get theirs made.  It needs to be a UAE flag, 4x6 feet.  Kurt says to Zee that a foot is 12 centimetres.  Natalie looks confused at first but then says ‘yes’ and Zee orders a 48x72cm flag because clearly no-one has learned last week’s lesson that KURT NO DO MATHS.  Zee does say 48x72, 4 foot by 6 foot on the phone, and the seller doesn’t seem to question which but quotes them 10 dirams for it.

Myles’ subteam of him, Rebecca and Francesca, go to the flag place where Francesca gets a tiny discount bringing the price down to 175 dirams.  It’ll take an hour to produce and Myles saysthat he hates waiting, but they will anyway, and then, for… reasons, I guess, they pay up front.  They phone the other team and Myles says he doesn’t mind them spending time in the mall as long as they get good products in the manner of a dad who’s just let a bunch of teenagers loose in Meadowhall.

Leah’s subteam are in one of the souks and having no luck sourcing an Arabic coffee pot, and given that is probably one of the easier items, good luck with the falcon hood.  They seem to find one but Leah’s increasingly strong accent means there is some sort of confusion over inch/ounce [And yet they picked on me – Kurt] and they don’t buy one from a place that seems to sell them.  Some randomer then offers Alex Viagra: ‘I don’t need that, I’m from Wales’.  Heh.

At the mall, Luisa, Jordan and Jason are hunting for falcon hoods to no avail and Jason’s accent becomes even weirder.  They want an Arabic coffee pot too but the man says they should be searching for Deller.  Hey, I’m right here, guys.  Karren tries to create a sense of panic that they might be late because that’s always an alleged danger in this task.

Back at the flag shop and Myles’ subteam are still waiting, when Zee’s arrive there… to collect their tiny flag.  They gripe that it’s not 6ft and the shop owner says 42cm x72cm.  Then we have the best Nick Hewer face and Apprenti penny drop face since the sandalwood episode as Kurt slowly realises what’s happened.  Kurt then tries to blame Zee but sticks to his story that there are 12 cms in a foot… and eventually says ‘inches?’  They order another flag for an hour, but instead of waiting an hour, they leave and Zee says ‘let’s head out boys…. and ladies’. 

Searching for the Kandura, Neil says he’s not interested in quality, only price, because he knows what Sralan is like.  He aggressively negotiates a price down to 60 because he’s in a ‘very very rush’ (which is more offensive – this kind of language to help the forrins understand, or Jason’s accent straight from a dodgy 1970s sitcom?).

In the car and Kurt is looking up numbers for sources.  Natalie asks to look up glass in the book and Zee says there’s no point.  She suggests ringing perfume shops and he point blank ignores her. 

Myles’ subteam are still waiting for the flag and he goes into the back to track it down and they say it’ll be another ‘five minutes’.  The people in the shop couldn’t care less.

In Leah’s car and she’s trying to track down OUD – OIYD - perfume and, remarkably, the person she speaks to understands her and says it’s OUDH.  Alex looks in the Dubai yellow pages and confirms that oudh is perfume.  Luisa, Jason and Jordan go into an Aoud shop but the man doesn’t know what an oud is.  Jason then has ‘had a flash… do you think an oud is something else’.  Bless.

Zee is having a phone call with Leah’s subteam.  Alex, perhaps looking to be Apprentice gold with how quotable he is this episode, points out the spelling differences to Zee with a ‘Listen sunshine’.  Zee is convinced mahogany is a scent whilst Alex says it’s a wood and he’s talking crap.  Alex and Leah get stressed, and Neil – NEIL – is the voice of reason: ‘just let him do that and we’ll get on with what we’re doing.’

Myles’ subteam are trying to negotiate a discount on the flag that took forever and the shop owner, the smuggest seen this side of Smug Cow (TM Monkseal) just smiles and shakes his head at the suckers.  They phone the other sub team who are still to buy several items and Myles bitches that the other sub-team hasn’t done enough.  As opposed to sitting in a shop the whole day waiting?

Natalie, Zee and Kurt go hunting for the plant and speak to the boss of the plant shop for a 50% discount.  So apparently in plant shops, asking for the boss is the way to go.  I’m sure garden centres everywhere will be thrilled at this piece of information being fed to the public. 

Francesca can’t find mosaic tiles, Jason gets a cheap coffee pot with his terrible accent and then nows at the sales man, Rebecca and Alex grab some Frankincense and Zee tries to negotiate on the flags.  The man forces him to buy both flags – the small one is being offered to them for 40 – even though they said 10 earlier.  Zee gets him down to 28, or 200 for both, because he wants to do ‘future business’ LOL like anyone falls for that, but I think smug flag owner is just glad to see them off.  The voiceover tells us they paid 25 dirams more than the others but as they got two flags they got the bigger one for 3 dirams less.  But anyway.

Luisa and co finally find someone in a perfume shop who knows what an oud is – a musical instrument.  

Jordan decides to take the negotiation and Jason says ‘go for it’ – this sub team actually seem to have worked well together for a change. Jason and Jordan between them negotiate it from 1850 to 990 and Luisa congratulates them.

LAST MINUTE BUYING!  Leah’s team are having no luck with oud and no-one is having any luck with falcon hoods.  They run to the hotel and put their items on tables to be inspected by the hotel manager.  They will be fined the market value for any incorrect items or missing items – we see that one of the kanduras is marked as ‘not correct’.

Zee boasts that they got a good bargain on the plant (whoop) and that the other team would totes have got ripped off at the mall so it’ll all be fine.  I love how his strategy essentially relied on the other team being really crap and total mugs.

BOARDROOM TIME!  Sralan says they had an ‘important client’.  It always amuses me when this show pretends to be real.  Bless.  He asks Endeavour if Zee was a good team leader and gets a resounding no, with Leah (whose hair has gone as big as Mike and Monica’s in that episode of Friends when they go to Barbados)  and Alex particularly going for it, Leah saying she wanted to be team leader all along and Zee snapping about her trying to take over.  Zee’s ‘expert’ credentials are trounced and he keeps blabbering about oudh being a scent, whilst Alex goes for another line: ‘no-one wants to smell like a dining table’.  Oh Alex, bless you, you may look like Nosferatu but you are very endearing.  Nick and Sralan go on about the spec mentioning size and wood, whilst Zee continues to dig about the oudh in the very manner of NOT TAKING THE HINT.  We’re then reminded of Kurt’s bad maths and Nick Hewer overplays his part in the way he so often does by exaggerating both the size of the hotel and the smallness of the flag.  Oh Nick, all your best work is subtle.  Try to remember that.  Neil says he got a good price on the kandura and Kurt says he did well on the plant.

Over to Myles and Sralan: ‘Kurt would call you kylometres most probably’.  Not only is this a genuinely funny joke, it’s even better for Kurt’s face as he doesn’t get it, but then pretends to when everyone else bursts into fits of giggles.  Amazing.  We hear about Jordan and co in the mall and Myles and co waiting around for ages (90 minutes).  Myles’ reason for not going away and coming back is that the man had started.  Karren points out that they shouldn’t have paid upfront for the flag.  Sralan berates Myles for going to the garden centre shop assistant and not the boss as you do when buying plants.  He then makes an awful palm-tree related joke which I won’t repeat, but you can guess.

Evolve got six items for £311 with no falcon hood or tiles giving fines of £384.16 – which I presume is for the tiles, else those are some very well dressed falcons – leaving their total spend at £695.16.

Endeavour got four items (plant, kandura, frankincense and flag) and ‘negotiated a whole lot better’ but their kandura was wrong: modern and not traditional, so they therefore had five fails, spending £783.36 (we’re not told what they spent and what was fines though).  Endeavour win by £90 and get a genuinely good treat in the form of LOVELY BOOZE!  Hooray!  Jordan manages to save his glee for outside the boardroom this time.

There is flirting between Luisa and Jordan – who were rumoured to be this year’s couple – and Francesca and Jason, which seems… unlikely.  But then cocktails will do that to you.

Over at NotLoserCafe (where’s the Bridge café these days?) Neil thinks their strategy was wrong and Leah thinks the entire problem is Zee.  Kurt is pissed off because Zee doesn’t know anything and he’ll probably get brought in for getting centimetres and inches wrong.  Zee thinks the other sub-team are at fault for only getting two items (as did his sub-team), one of which was wrong – even though it was the item that required ‘local knowledge’ so should maybe have been on his shopping list instead.

Sralan lies that if they found one item more they’d have won because they were better negotiators.  Surely depends on which item?  Sralan tells them off for not going to the mall and Leah says she tried to but Zee told her not to.  Sralan tells her to ignore him – oh Sralan, half the time you berate candidates for undermining their PMs.  Zee snaps that the other sub-team got one item and Leah reminds him he got TWO despite his ‘regional knowledge’.  Zee asks what the other team members did and puts his hand up in Leah’s face which she snaps at.  Nick says Leah’s sub-team is full of fighting spirit and Natalie and Kurt don’t really say anything.  We then revisit the tiny flag and Zee actually looks kind of proud of it.  Who was responsible?  Alex says Zee, Zee whines that everyone is saying he is wrong and ‘the sub-team’s effort was under par’. 

Leah asks him why he didn’t acknowledge he was unsure and just said he had a bit of local knowledge but didn’t know everything.  Oh Leah, as if any acknowledgement of weakness is in Zee’s capability.  He’s one of those Scrappy Doo types.  He gets all offended by this ‘A BIT of local knowledge?  I LIVED THERE.’  He decides to bring back Leah for the failure of the sub-team and after Neil staring at him so hard he brings back Natalie because he and Kurt were booking appointments in the car.  Natalie goes mental and says she was trying to do that and he wouldn’t let her.

So, Zee sexism-gate then… Is he sexist?  I suspect he is and certainly there is plenty in this episode that would suggest that in the way he treats Natalie especially.  But I think it’s the sexism of ignorance - i.e. just not realising women exist to be useful in any way - rather than his consciously hating on women.  I also think he’s just got so used to being with Kurt and Neil and trying to join their cool gang that he would never dare offend them.  The team shuffles felt a bit late coming this series which probably didn’t help.  Natalie’s fury at him seemed pretty heartfelt and I suspect there have been tensions behind the scenes or on tasks outside of the footage we see.

Sralan sends them out and points out that all Leah does is accuse Zee of being a bullshitter.  Nick says they fell out right from the start.  Sralan hopes Natalie has a lot to say for herself.  Karren says she says more than she does.  NotFrances sends them in and Zee lets the door shut in Natalie’s face, which gets a curt ‘don’t bother about the door.’   Sralan says he asked for people to be brought in for the right reasons and wonders why Natalie is here.  Zee says she didn’t contribute much or take initiative but is ‘lovely to be around, don’t get me wrong’.  He said Kurt made an error and Natalie said that lost them the task.  So didn’t.  But she then goes into uber-maul mode and berates him for not listening to her, not letting her have the yellow pages and asks him if he has a problem with women after bringing them both back and calls him chauvanistic.

Zee tells her to ‘calm down’ although doesn’t add the ‘dear’ as I thought he might.  Leah says that there is some merit in that.  Zee snaps that he respects her but she got the kandura wrong.  She says that was Neil and he hasn’t even bothered to have a go at Neil, which causes Natalie to tear back into him.  Zee says Leah was the sub-team leader and forced herself into that.  Leah says two men made key errors but he still brought back to women.  Zee says he made her sub-team leader and Natalie says he didn’t have a choice.  Leah says all she’s done in the process whilst Sralan says she was weak on this task.  He says she has indecision, which seems a bit harsh as she did decide to go to the mall but her PM told her not to.

Sralan reads from Zee’s REZ-HOO-MAY and says he doesn’t like criticism.  Zee thinks this is good and completely normal, especially if people don’t have your respect.  Sralan says he comes across as pretty arrogant and that travellers should uphold modesty in Dubai ‘well they must have loved you there’ and then says Zee was fired from Phones4U.  Zee says he was their top salesman EVER (and got fired anyway?).  Jennifer Maguire laughs in his face at this.  BEST SALESWOMAN IN EUROPE BITCHES.

Sralan says Natalie shows passion in the boardroom but not on tasks, she says she does.  Both say Zee is responsible.

Sralan says Zee thinks too much of himself but clearly  has a good business and everyone else seems to be against him.  He hopes Leah hasn’t used personality against him.  Natalie gets the fire-tease for it being ‘regretful’ she’s back in the boardroom, but she has shown him some passion so she gets a last chance.  Zee’s business plan is for international trading but he’s shown he can’t deal internationally and the failure of the task was his fault, so he’s fired.  Natalie cries what look like tears of relief and she and Leah march past Zee without even really looking at him never mind hugging or shaking hands.

Coatwatch: black, high-collared, like the big boys wear.  Zee says his name will go down in history although he’s not exactly sure why?  Fifth most annoying contestant on the UK Apprentice, maybe? 

Back at the house, Luisa asks why Natalie got brought in and Kurt says she was criticised for not doing much.  There is relief at Leah and Natalie returning and Leah says Lord Sugar thought Zee brought back the wrong people.  Kurt says ‘do you mean me and Neil?’  Leah says yes, and Neil nods as if he agrees, which is interesting given the lack of humility he’s  shown so far.  Are we in for a REDEMPTION ARC, people?  I think we may be.

Next week!  They organise corporate away days.  Oh my days, best task ever?  I was convinced this series would be awful given the diminishing returns of the show lately but I think it’s turning out to be the best one in a while, certainly the best since series six.  Anyway, join Steve then!